Over the past few months I have been noticing symptoms.
But over the past 3 or 4 days I have noticed more severe symptoms. The most concerning being chest heaviness. I have also been having galloping heart rhythms. I feel light-headed. I just generally feel "off".
I take my blood pressure every day. Just to monitor for changes. The past 3 days there are changes.
I am not a doctor. So I can only go by symptoms and instinct. I am not decided yet whether these symptoms are anxiety or heart related. I am having panic attacks which could be the symptom of a heavy chest. It leaves me feeling like I am just about to enter into a panic attack ~ all the time! So I purposely sit down and make myself calm down. Anxiety,... right?
My systolic blood pressure measurement is always high. (Always over 165) Which suggests more of a heart attack problem. (I am being as general as I can with this description as I don't know how to properly explain it) But my diastolic is usually only about 100. So overall,... it suggests that it is a chronic long term heart problem. Clogging of the arteries or something.
But over the past few days my diastolic has been climbing. Today it is 112. My actual reading being 179/112. This tells me something is going on.
Diastolic is the reading you should fear as it is usually the reason a person has a stroke rather than a fatal heart attack. This would be problematic to me. I want DEATH. Not to become an invalid.
I just don't feel well at all today.
But I refuse to call for help. If this is my heart then all I can do is hope that it causes me to have a FATAL heart attack. How sad my life is that I am HOPING for this scenario. But I am terrified of having a stroke instead. But if I do,... I guess I will just be incapacitated here in my apartment on my own (No help - no support) so would cease being able to care for myself. Depending on the degree of severity of the stroke, I could be on the floor unable to move or comprehend anything ~ or I could have a mild stroke leaving me mildly incapacitated. Either way I won't be able to take care of myself and I will probobly perish from starvation. To be found DEAD weeks later.
But I still refuse to call 911.
Because if I do,... they may insist on "fixing" any blockages or whatever can be fixed. I don't want that. I just want to die.
My life is so miserable I can't bear living it anymore. WHY would I fix my heart just to come back home to live this misery for yet another 20 years??? Now my heart is good,... I could live a very long life! I do not want that!!!!!!!!
No,... I will wait it out. If I have a heart attack and die ~ then my prayers have been answered.
But if I just stroke out? I guess I'll just have to risk it.
Because here is my chance to die.
how sad that I sit here hoping that today is the day I finally die and find peace.
What a fucked up world we live in when I am hoping to die,...
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