A Storm is coming,...

 

Everything is going wrong and now a storm is coming in. It has been raining the past week. Very normal for the Island I am told. It is a rain forest afterall. I actually like the rain. So I wasn't concerned about the past 2 storms and hearing a 3rd is on the way. But apparently this next storm is suppose to be different. We are expecting a lot of rain. A warning of flash flooding has been issued. Islanders are nervous,... and that is making me nervous. Apparently we are expecting more power outages,... heavy rainfall causing flooding and high winds. I am told that a storm in Ontario like this is not as bad as a storm in BC that comes off of the ocean. I am seeing that,... the ocean is angry. It looks like a washing machine. It is showing me that nature has a nasty day ahead for me.

I live in a 26 ft RV. In an RV park that is surrounded by the Cowichan river. IF THAT RIVER FLOODS ~ EVERYONE IN THIS PARK IS IN TROUBLE. I am looking outside right now and it is raining. It has been raining for days. The ground is getting saturated. I am anxious for this new incoming storm. If the ground is already saturated, where is the water going to go? I fear a flood. 

My situation just keeps on getting worse. I am now out of money,... all of my budgeted money for repairs and living is GONE. I am now back to living off of $1072.74 a month. (MY CPP and National Disability Benefit) 

MY RENT IS MORE THAN I HAVE COMING IN so you can see the trouble I am in. Everything went wrong and ate up all of my savings I had planned to draw on my savings ot top up my deficits to get by but that money is now all gone,... So there is nothing left for a car and other things to make my life easier. I am back to living in poverty,....

My RV drained me of every penny I had.

So now I have no  money to survive,...

No health care and I really do believe I have cancer. I am desperate for a physical to find out,... but can only get one issue visits, where I have to walk an hour there and back just to access it. My blood pressure is so bad I KNOW I will be dead by the end of the year. Noone survives a blood pressure that averages 180/110 every day. THAT is a death sentence. But I can't find a doctor,... and getting meds was like climbing a moutain so I gave up and stopped meds,... now I wait to stroke out or die,...

The weekends arent' too bad as I spend time with my cousin. But during the week I am alone and feel so claustrophobic trapped inside this 250 square foot tin can. When the temperature is alright (like the past 4 or 5 days) I can get by with heaters and extra clothes. But when it gets colder ~ I just feel pain. And nothing seems to warm me up enough to escape that pain. This RV is not the home I expected it to be and now I will be spending my winter freezing. I can't afford propane,.... I have some but once that runs out who knows if I can afford more. YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT PROPANE IN AN RV IN CANADA! you will freeze to death. Today is okay but I fear when the temps drop,...my bones will be nothing but PAIN.

All those months fighting with Ontario Disability to pay back what they say I was overpaid (over $2000). I phoned and emailed for months trying to pay this damn debt back but noone would call me back. And when I did get through to them they didn't seem interested,... wouldn't give me my client # to access the debt and I no longer have that client number. (So how can I pay the debt???) They were just disinterested and very unhelpful to the point they just got in my way and I wasn't able to pay it. So I gave up. 

Today I got an email they have sent collections after me,...

All I am good for in this society is peopke taking my money,...

ODSP wants $2000 (an over payment)

Superior Propane wants over $600 ( to cancel my contract)

The CRA wants $71 (another over payment - are overpayments not THEIR fault not mine???)

And I live off of $1072.74 a month

I have been priced right out of living,....

So fuck this world I am done

My plan is planned ~ and now I just do it

I asked for help ~  But I was invisable 

So now I do what I have to do 

NOONE should have to suffer like this - NOONE!

And to die so alone noone even noticed I was suffering,...

How fucking sad is that?

Had a total melt down

I hit my wall last night. I have had a break down. I just can't do this one more day. 

I am fucking freezing! But I dont dare use my propane as I am rationing it for showers and dishes and brushing my teeth. I am scared it will run out while I am in the shower and then the water will go icy cold instantly. I am so afraid of that I am not showering everyday anymore. I shower every 2 or 3 days now. And when you are wearng 2 and 3 layers of clothes to keep warm,... you sweat and smell bad.

So I was sat there cold and smelling bad. I lost it. I threw things around,... I had a good vent. But now the vent is over and I am just left completely numb and empty.

My life has just disintegrated.

So now I have ONE thing on my mind. DYING

I am so heartbroken - numb - empty,..... all I can think of is DYING

So I somehow have to find the energy to get dressed and walk into town and look for fentanyl.

I am DONE! A person can only take so much.

maybe my blood pressure will finally kill me today

Maybe God will take pity on me and with my blood pressure like this maybe I'll have a heart attack and die today kindest thing that could ever f****** happen

I seriously just don't know what to do

I give up

I feel like I am entering the end of my life. It's a general feeling throughout my whole being. Lately my thoughts have moved from the problems in my life that I can't seem to solve,... to a quiet acquiescene of acceptance that my life has been a failure and it's disintigrating right before my eyes.

And noone sees me falling so noone is coming to save me

And resigning to this downfall has left me melancholy. Reflective,... Because no matter how I view my life,... it wasn't a good life.

My mental illness (that noone ever let me forget I had) took everything and everyone from me. I didn't fit into this society and no matter where I was in my life ~ I felt it. I could feel people knew I was different. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in - I was different - and not in a good way. 

I just didn't seem to know how to fit it. And this has left me with an existential rejection that leaves me feeling such deep sorrow and sadness that I feel physical pain in my chest. A heartache that won't stop.

My family sees me as a monster. They don't use that word but in putting up a wall and not allowing me in has left me feeling like one. And this feeling I don't know what to do with. The over-powering pain is so deep it has changed me into a recluse who is afraid to even meet people as I know I will just eventually do something wrong and they will leave.

I am always alone.

And this has left me feeling something I can't even put into words. A deep lonliness,... a deep longing for loved ones who don't even want to try to 'like' you. Your just a mentally ill annoyance that ruined their lives,... you apologize but they don't want you back. What more could I have done?

I was not suppose to be born. I was a mistake after two teenagers got pregnant on New Years Eve 1962. Noone wanted me. I came about by accident. And I have felt 'not wanted' for the rest of my life. The only great years were my childhood with the Morgan family. From the time they adopted me at a year and a half old, to around 13 or 14. That was such a great time for me. It was the only time I felt uncondionally loved and actually wanted. It was probobly the only time I felt safe. 

But it didn't last. 

As an adult I was like a gypsy wandering through life. I have moved 24 times,... I have lived all over Ontario before I ended up here in British Columbia. But I could never put down real roots anywhere as I never felt I belonged. I always had that 'feeling' that noone really liked me. I can't tell you how awful that feeling is to never 'be good enough' and eventually dumped and abandoned. I have been dumped by so many people in life I can't help but feel like a monster.

So why would I continue to struggle. My RV is going to need $1000 just to fix all these issues. To make it insulated enough for me not to be cold anymore. BUT THE MONEY IS ALL GONE! I just wear 2 or 3 layers of clothes and winter hats and gloves. It's not fun and I hate it. 

But damn is it cold in here,..... brrrrrrr,.....

I make so many phone calls looking for help but I just get the run around. "We can't help with that but maybe this number can,..." but they can't. And so I spend my days feeling like an invisable ghost that noone sees.

How can you feel any self worth when the world thinks your a monster who is too horrible to even let me see my grandchild,...

I feel nothing but self hatred 

If my family don't even care that I am struggling,.... then what am I struggling for? They not only don't want to know _ they hope I fail so they can be 'right',... so sad,...

I am a soul that was never meant to be born. And because I was, I had no place. I never fit in anywhere,....

Noone saw any good in me - just a monster. 

And that has left a pain so deep,... I just can't bear it.

There was never a place for me on this planet and I always felt it.

It was not a nice feeling at all. And it never went away,...

 

I have never felt more invisable and unworthy in my life

 

I am sitting here in two layers of clothes,... a thick fluffy housecoat,...a winter hat,... slippers with wool socks and I am still cold,....

FUCK THIS SHIT

I didn't get my MAiDs application as the woman had the wrong address. She phoned me this morning. I didn't like her. She just blamed me for the mistake. Then she went on about we didn't have your phone number. You MUST leave your phone number! Obviously I thought I had but must not have. But here I am trying to access DYING! And she is repromanding me for asking for the application wrong,...

I give up

So as this poster says,...... If noone is coming to save me,... then it means noone is coming to stop me,.... and what I do from here on in is a necissity after being invisable to this country.

I got fed up of waiting to be seen and heard 

Now I just do it and they can all go to hell

I do it my way now ~ I asked for help and waited five years- noone came

I am so invisable to this world I can't even access MAiDs. I have tried everything but I am invisable to this world. They said they would send out an application 3 weeks ago. NO APPLICATION.

I have tried for 5 years to get MAiDs but noone takes me seriously. I am invisable. I have called every number given to me but every number failed me. Just said they couldn't help and gave me another number,.... I TRIED!!!!!

So forget MAiDs ~ If i dont'exist to them either then I take matters into my own hands and I do what I have to do to get pain relief.

FUCK YOU WORLD for letting me suffer alone. 

Not sure what more I could have done to get help. BUT EVRYONE failed me.

I'm done

I do it MY WAY NOW

I am freezing but I guess I'm to fend for myself

I am freezing! I wear three layers of clothes with a winter hat and gloves and I am STILL COLD! And once the cold gets into my bones I am done. Amd it has,.... 

I am in so much pain I am fucking miserable

I am rationing my propane to only showers and dishes. Once it runs out I have NO HEAT and NO HOT WATER and that will be any day now. So I am afraid to take a shower for fear the propane will run out while I am in it. And once it does,... the water is ICY COLD and there is no way to shower in it.

So I am sitting here counting down the days until I go from freezing to NO HEAT AT ALL!!!!!!!

And then what do I do??? I am fucked. Superior Propane won't pick up their tank until I pay their extortion fee of nearly $600. This is never going to happen as I dont'' have that money.

All of my money is GONE

And I am living back in severe poverty. One hamburger a day and two bowls of ceral,.... thats my groceries.

But as for the past few days? I can't get warm,.... and winter hasn't even started yet,....

This is INHUMANE!!!!!!

What I do from this day on is nobodies business.

I asked for help,.... none came,....

Now I do what I need to do to find peace

So tired of being scammed!!

 So, I have been scammed again,...

After my last post, one of my subscribers contacted me through the comments. They had a very interestig fact for me. The RV I purchased and was promised it was four season,... is NOT actually a four season.

IT IS NOT BUILT FOR THE WINTER

I have been lied to again.

My cousin specifically said I need a four season. I remember the whole conversation. The dealer said I didn't need one living on Vancouver Island but my cousin who has lived in an RV for 20 years here on the island actually interupted him and insisted I have a four season. To sell me anything different after hearing that was deliverate lying!

I have FM. I can't be cold. It's why we insisted on the four season.

Now everything is a mess.

Warranty? I am just as confused as everyone else. I thought I had one but after a few days of buying it their office emailed me a quote for $4000 for a warranty. I laughed. It's suppose to be turn-key. Why would I NEED $4000 worth of warranty? 

NOW I KNOW!

I cant afford lawyers who will eat up my money anyway.

No,... I am done. I am soooooo fucking done,....

I am so angry I can't even think right now. But the one thing I do know is I AM DONE.

No more bullshit from this society.

I just need to DIE now

Roll on MAiDs application,.... I don't have much time left

Just want to die now

 I have officially given up. 

Ny cousin was nice enough to come and put up plastic on my windows as this RV can't maintin heat and I am freezing. So he did a trial window. It worked well. But,... now I can't see out of this window. He is doing all the rest tonight. So as of tomorrow ~ not only do I live in a tin can where everything is broken,... but now I can't even see outside.

My dream home has now become my PRISON. A 230 square foot prison. Cold and now I can't even see outside.

This is torture.

So I had a discussion with my cousin. A discussion I was afraid to have. He has bent over backwards to help me. Yet,... it has been a failure. 

I gave up. I was worried my cousin would be angry after all the hard work he has put into this RV. But surprisingly he agreed with me. He too sees this RV is a lemon and that I have been scammed once again. But theres nothing he or anyone can do to help me. 

I am fucked.

So I told him I am applying for MAiDs (medical assistance in dying) and again I was expecting him to get angry and walk out. But he didn't do that because he sees it. He sees my horrible conditions and he gets it. It has left us both angry (not at each other but at the world) he doens't have a great life either so he totally gets it.

And now that the news has been given I can move forward on it. I still have not received my MAiDs appication in the mail???? So today my whole goal is to get onto MAiDs and get this ball rolling.

Noone in Canada ~ at 63 years old ~ should be thrown away and left to rot. But thats what Canada has done to me.

So now I give up.

I am actively doing everything I can to die now.

Hurry up Maids,.... I just want to be gone now. For the pain and suffering to end.

I am very angry life has done this to me. Scammed,... conned,... bullied and left to deal alone. Isolated and heartbroken that I am so under valued and invisable to the Country i used to be so proud to call my home. 

Now at 63 I sit in a freezing cold RV I can't even see out the windows in feeling cold and claustrophobic to the point I am going mad.

No health care,.... I'm in invisable

No help at all,.... I am disposable

And coming to this realization has left me devastated that I am so unworthy to anyone.

So roll on death,... you can't come fast enough to get me off of this planet and out of this pain and suffering.

 I am totally broken,....

I am walking away from RV life,...

Selling this money pit of a tin can,....

I'm done

But I have nowhere to go or money to move there 

So it's time,...

If society won't allow me to afford breathing 

then I leave this world

Buying an RV is a scam. They are garbage!!!!

DO NOT BUY A NEWER RV!

When I bought this RV, it was because I was in a desperate situation. I had to get out of a toxic situation in Ontario. My plan was to move to BC. Buy an RV and start a fresh life. Seemed fool-proof in theory. In practice,... it has been a nightmare.

What annoys me most of all is that I did my homework. I researched RV's for 5 months before I bought one. The one thing I did hear over and over again from the RV community was that RV's built after covid (around 2020) are all manufacturing GARBAGE! But the problem with that is,... that RV Parks will only allow new RV's to use their parks now. Ten years old and newer. So I had to buy a newer RV so I would have parks accept me for the next 8 years. Anything after 2016 will not get you into any RV parks. The system doens't allow you to buy older, better built RV's. So we are forced to buy newer ones and then we have all found out newer ones are garbage! 

I have a 2024 Rockwook Mini-lite. 26 foot. It looks beautiful!! When I walked onto the "Arbutus RV sales lot" I asked to see 4 season RV's. The sales men immediately said on Vancouver island you won't need a four season RV. Luckily for me I had my cousin with me and he immediately cut him off and said we only want to see 4 season RV's. They only had 4. I looked at the one I bought and i fell in love. It was beautiful. All shiny and clean and sleek looking. Both Brian and I gave it a good going over and saw nothing to concern us.

I went ahead and paid $51,000 for this RV.

I was promised it was turn-key. No problems - just  move in and enjoy.

Lets move ahead to last night. I WAS FROZEN. I have learned that this trailer has no way to maintain the heat. It instantly disappears through this shoddily built tin can. When the furnace is on (run by very expensive propane) I am warm. But 5 minutes after the furnace shuts off it is freezing again. All the heat has disappeared. Last night I didn't even sleep I was so cold. I sat up in 3 layers of clothes. A winter hat and blanket with a hearting pad plugged into a bluetti charger (as plugging it into my wiring would short it out). 

I was still cold. Toasty warm when the furnace ran,... but after it stopped the cold rushes right back.

To date I have spent so much money I have gone into debt. When I started this move I had over $100,000.00. Today I am in debt. This RV hemorrhaged money out of my bank account. Every day something new broke I had to replace. I have spent thousands on repairs just to make it livable and I have only been in it for less than 3 months.

I belong to a few Facebook RV groups and I am seeing that I am not the only one who has been scammed by this industry. THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people are facing the same harsh reality. The Rv's we spent our life savings on, are garbage. I only lost $100,000.00 but there are people who paid well over $200,000 (and more) for their new RV's for a fresh new start and almost all of these folk are regreeting their buy.

RV manufacturing is a joke. Everything they produce now is garbage. And, WE, the consumer are paying for it.

I myself have decided that my life has to end. I have been scammed,... used,.... conned and bullied once too often and now I have given up. I am old,... disabled and in pain. I refuse to live my last few years in a freezing tin can miserable. Unable to get the health care I need I am deciding to give up.

Last night was horrible. FREEZING cold. I dont deserve this. I did my homework. I did everything right and yet life scammed me anyway.

I am learning that life will never let me win.

To the people making and selling RV's. STOP taking good folks money just to have them watch their homes fall apart right infront of their eyes.

Our dreams,.... our hard earned money,.... GONE. Stolen by an industry that just doens't care what happens once that tin can drives off their lot.

Well I, and many, many others are paying for it.

Every single day I find something else that is broken and will cost me more money to fix. Well as of today I no longer put one more penny into this lemon. Infact,... I am thinking of how I can walk away from this RV altogerther. It's a badly built tin can that can't even hold any heat. And I am stuck with it. Can't sell it as it has depreciated so much I wouldn't get my money back. But I can't live in it. You can't live in a place that you have to wear a winter hat and 3 layers of clothes to stay warm.

I did not deserve this. But I am too tired to care anymore,....

I just want to be gone now. Die of a heart attack and escape this mess.

I hate my life and just want to die now. And with my heart problem, that probobly won't be long from now. I would say weeks rather than months i will be dead.

And after the past 10 years ~ I couldn't be happier I will die.

Get me off this unfair horrible planet ~ I have had enough.

If noone cares anyway,... why should I even bother trying to get help?

I don't even know where to begin this post. I have been phoning multiple agencies for help but all I get is "We can't help you here,... try this number instead" I feel like all I do is sit on the phone and BEG for help that never materializes. Just the fucking run-around.

My blood pressure is extremely high again. Infact, just for fun I googled it. And the answer??? GO GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!

So do I call 911 and have to pay $80 I don't have? Go to ER - sit in there all day for a 2 month prescription and then when that runs out have to start all over again looking for meds? NO ~ I am done with that bullshit bandaid care.

Do I phone the urgent care in the HOPES of getting an appointment and where I am only allowed ONE complaint??? Even if they DO have an available appointment I have to walk an hour there and an hour back just to access it. I am not well enough anymore to do that.

Or do I do nothing and hope to die,....

I am totally alone looking for health care. Noone is helping me at all. No matter who I call or talk to it is bandaid care that I have to climb a mountain to get. So I sat and asked myself.

If noone else cares about my health care then why should I anymore?????????

And with that ~ I decided to stop looking for care and just let myself die.

But this realization broke me. Discovering that NOT ONE PERSON gives a rats ass about my severe high blood pressure, has just left me feeling despondant. Invisable,... unworthy and a waste of breath

So if noone even notices I am desperate then that tells me noone cares anyway,...

and that has left me feeling like the worst fucking person on this planet.

A MONSTER that does't deserve 

And with that, I now just pray to die

If noone cares about my health care, then noone will care that I am dead.

And that is the most devastating realizations and I just can't live with that. NOONE FUCKING CARES!

All I wanted was help ~ too late now ~ I will be dead in a few months

I need help. With multiple things,.... but instead I am invisable. Unseen,... worthless to this society.

I have been on the phone for the past few weeks trying to get health care and help with Superior Propane gouging me. But it just seems I never dial the correct number and I just get fobbed off and told to call another number which ends up equally useless.

NOONE seems to be able to help me. NOONE!

So I am done.

I no longer ask for help from anybody, about anything.

I sit here and wait to die

And that wont' take long with my blood pressure 

Fuck you canada ~ I do not need to die! but I dont see how to get help

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN and now I will die

FUCK CANADA

I'm so done

I just heard from Superior Propane. A huge national company scammed me.

I can't fight a huge corporation

They want over $560 PLUS a bill when they come to remove my tank

So fuck off world this is the last straw

I am ending my life

Superior propane 

I hope this 'being right' was worth it because I can't take one more scam,... con,.... 

I am done

If i am dead NOONE can con me again

FUCK YOU SUPERIOR PROPANE Some people just don't have the money and can't be bothered being chased by debt collectors for the restr of my life.

YOU WIN ~ I DIE
Fuck this world

Happy Birthday to a daughter who hates me but I love her more than life itself

 October 19th 1994

This is the day my youngest daughter was born.

But she doesn't like me

I apologize ~ she ignores like I didn't even say anything

I don't even exist to my children. 

I am a monster

I can't live without my children

or knowing my family thinks I'm a monster

It's time to just go away,....

go away,....

go away,....

and thanks to our horrible health care system? I won't even need to do it myself. My blood pressure tells me I will be dead in 6 months anyway

I go to my grave a monster my children couldn't stand to even look at

I just want to die now

I am so frustrated right now. It is Monday morning. I have had a nice weekend. Infact, the weekends are the only time I am happy. And that is because on the weekend I have my cousin Brian. For companionship, (I am so fucking bored trapped inside that tiny, tiny RV!), for help getting laundry and other stuff done I have no way of doing on my own. Two days of relief from severe boredom and frustration. But now it is Monday morning again. A whole week ahead of me of nothing to do,... nothing to do,.... nothing to do,...

My blood pressure is up and down. Never good. Sometimes its only regular high but often it is dangerously high

I should be calling 911

I will not

Because health care is just too hard to get in Canada without a family doctor. I give up climbing mountains just for a 'you can only discuss one issue' visit with a nurse practioner. NO DOCTOR!!! Just bandaid care. well you can take your fucking bandaid care and shove it up your fucking ass. I'm tired and can't climb your fucking mountains to get help,.... so I give up.

I am fed up of being invisable to this country and to the world

I would rather die of a heart attack

I hate my life and I really just want to die

Sitting in a tiny 200 square foot tin can with nothing to do but watch tv is mind numbing. I am not living,.... I am just breathing.

My anxiety is out of control. I sit here feeling like I am going to have a panic attack all the time. My stomach is in knots,... my nerves are on fire,.. everything bothers me.

I just need to die!!!!!

What happened to Canada that left me invisable

I am waiting for my Walmart grocery order to be delivered. I have no car. I have always had to rely on delivery for food since I lost my car. But this is where being poor is so expensive. If I had a car I would have paid $156.00 total. But because I am poor and don't have a car, I had to pay a lot extra 

    *******************

$1.00 bag fee

$3.51 additional fee (doesn't even tell you what it's for!)

$8.97 delvery fee from store

$8.65 driver tip

$5.00 (cash) for driver at door

$27.13 Total ~ just because I don't have a car and needed delivery

    *********************************

He just arrived and dropped everything off. The delivery guy was very nice and helpful which is why I gave him a five dollar bill in cash. I don't know if Walmart actually gives the drivers their tips so if they are good deliveries I give them cash too. Afterall, they are just trying to earn a living too.

So if your poor and have no transportation your groceries will cost you $27.13 more. 

My laundry has gone up from $2.50 a load to $11.00 or up to $20 a load.

Groceries here are much more expensive than I ever anticipated. Whether this is the same all across Canada right now due to the tariffs and bad economy, or just here on the island, I don't know. But suddenly groceries have become a luxury for me. In that $156 of my MONTHLY shop, I still don't have enough to eat for a month. I will be living off of milk and cereal and hamburgers. Like I have for the past 3 or 4 years. 

Now that I have bought everything for the month on my budget, I can see I am in trouble. I went $400 in the hole last month due to unexpected costs. And we are only half way through October and I am already over $300 in the hole. This is telling me that the cost of living here is more than I can afford. 

I am going into the red every month by hundreds of dollars. At this rate I will be deeply in debt by the time I turn 65 and get my benefits to top me up to a livable monthly wage.

Canada has priced me right out of living!!!!

And with Superior propane scamming $600 more dollars which they are extorting me now. They are refusing to come and pick up their tank. It sits right infront of my RV. My cousin asked them not to put it there when they delivered it as my RV couldn't get out if there was a fire. They refused to put it anywhere else but exactly infront of my RV. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! If you don't pay they extort you,....

Pay or you can't move your RV or get propane from someone else. Now I have no heat or hot water once this tank runs out,...

It's like the world thinks I'm on this planet to be scammed,... conned,... bullied,...

I just can't take it anymore. WAY too much to deal with right now and I am not doing well. Pain,... money problems,.... can't find health care,... no car,... isloated in a tin can everyday going out of my mind with boredom. This is not living,....

Goint to Vancouver Whitecaps games is living,...

Getting to drive around and see the Island and all it's beauty is living,...

Having my daughters in my life and my grandchild is living,...

Being able to go where you want when you want and to afford it is living,...

But this???? This being completely isolated inside all day is NOT LIVING. It is surviving,.... it is not even existing, it is surviving. And surviving is fucking exhausting right now.

I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I am so numb inside that I can't even feel anymore. FROZEN

What the fuck happened to Canada that I am fucking invisable 

Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable

I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care

I guess I wasn't worth saving to anyone in this country

It's four o'clock in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I have given up trying and put the coffee on. I have a headache. I took my blood pressure. Very high. I should be calling 911. But I am not.

My life has not been good for years and years and years,....

I just hope I finally have a heart attack and die.

If I can't get health care,....

then lets hope tonight is the night that I finally have a heart attack and die.

I'm so tired of trying to get help.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy and undeserving in my life,...

I guess I just wasn't worth saving,.....

Canada is allowing me to die and not giving me help so FUCK CANADA!

My blood pressure is out of control again. My BP monitor broke from the move so I haven't been checking my blood pressure. But the past week or so I have had a pressure headache so I knew something was going on. Yesterday my cousin drove me to Walmart so I could buy a BP monitor. Theres another $70 wasted on stuff I hadn't budgeted for putting me behind even more.

It's DANGEROUSLY high again!!!

But this time,... I am not seeking help. Because this here is the cycle that I am in with no health care. I get severly high BP. I call an ambulance,... I go to hospital and get a BP perscription and go home. When that subscription runs out ~ I have to climb Mount Everestt to renew it. Walk an hour to walk in and then an hour back home. 

I am too old to do this anymore.

So I have made the decision to let myself DIE.

Health care is just too hard to access.

So roll on heart attack,.....

I can't wait to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!

And Canada ~ your badly run country just killed another one.

And YOU don't even care,.....

DUCK CANADA as you have literally allowed me to die!!!!!

Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU

 Maybe

 I was just not meant

 to be happy

I just need to die

I don't even know where to begin. I am not happy. I am in severe pain and I am getting no help.

I need to do laundry today. Will i do it? No. Why? Because I don't have it in me today to fill up my dirty clothes into a suitcase and walk that suitcase into town to the laundromatte. I honestly just don't have the energy. So how do I do laundry???? This has become a problem for me.

I guess I will just wear dirty clothes and smell now. :(

Living in an RV is not good for FM sufferers. My bed is a place of pain for me. Just getting in and out of it causes me such pain. Can you imagine waking up and just to get out of bed you have to endure severe pain. Not a nice way to start your day.

This RV is so small there is no room to do anything. And because of this, I am climbing over stuff to get to other stuff which is painful.

Everything about this RV causes me pain.

I HATE this fucking RV and I have made a terrible mistake.

Now I just want to die and get some relief from this fucking pain.

DIE
DIE
DIE

I hate my life and now I just need to die

I don't want this RV anymore

I don't want to live in this RV at all

But there are no other choices so I have to make a decision

And that decision is to die

I guess I was just never meant to be born,....

The thought of death is just so peaceful to me

 I have woken up a bit calmer. I think because I have made the decision and started the ball rolling. I feel such a deep exhaustion ~ a deep pain ~ that I just can't go on anymore. And making the decision to go through MAiD's has given me peace.

I know my suffering will stop soon

I love my children but they are never coming back. And them believing I am a monster is just too unbearable. So horrible I am not allowed to be part of the family - is a pain I cannot deal with. It has eaten me up inside. I go to bed every night and think about my children. I torture myself knowing they hate me.

I can't live without my children.

I can't live knowing they think I'm a monster

I feel relief having started the process to finally die,...

I am so heartbroken and in so much pain,...

How can you live in peace knowing your children think your a monster??? I can't,.... the pain of that tortures me and can no longer deal with that pain.

I am a failure

I have failed

I just need to die now

All i want to do now is die.

And the thought of death is just so peaceful to me.

The ball is rolling to start MAiDs

I know that people won't understand. But I have to do what is right for me at this point. My Pain has gotten too bad for me. I am not able to be self sufficient anymore which is very important to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and that is what I have become.

I made some phone calls today. They are sending out the MAiDs application form to me through the post as I couldn't print it out when they emailed it. I had a problem with a witness watching me fill out the form and sign it as I had noone to ask. The woman I spoke with said she would be my witness. So that problem is now sorted. 

I can't tell you how disappointed I am in Canadas health care system. It has failed me. But I am not going to spend my remaining years in agony just because my govenment can't get their act together and supply every Canadian with a family doctor. Those without have to jump through hoops for care and I am too old and tired for those hoops.

Life has not been kind or gentle for the past few years and it has destroyed my spirit. If I had my children and grandchild in my life the pain would be worth fighting through. But with noone in my life anymore,… and being isolated away in a trailer unable to go anywhere to live life,…. thats not living,… thats suffering.

Just let me end it now.

Life should never have been this way

So sad

 I have made phone calls. But apparently life is very unworthy and doesn't have a lot of value here in Canada as all I have got is the run around so far. Call this number - call that number,.... I have called about half a dozen numbers but so far - noone has called back. When you leave a message that you are 63 and in pain and can't access heaelth care in Canada so would like to go through MAiDs,... and you get the run around 

YOUR LIFE HAS NO VALUE

I can't even get help to die

I will wait for today. If noone calls me back that tells me I am an invisable piece of shit noone cares about.

I will just do it myself

RV Life is not for me and I am walking away. Taking a huge loss and walking away. I have had enough. 

I am so depressed and unhappy I can't go on.

So I am doing whatever it takes to die.

I cant eat,... I can't sleep. I am miserable because I know now there is no place for me on this planet.

I am not wanted

I am not loved

I am hated

I am a monster

I deserve to die 

Everyone thinks I'm an uncaring bitch,...

Hard

When really I just don't understand what people want from me

So I say the wrong thing

I don't read conversations the same way,...

I don't know how

so everybody leaves

I miss my girls

Without them,.....

I have no life

:( 

I really do give up

 I have woken up dispondent. I have only been in BC 7 weeks and already my dream has been shattered. All the plans I had to retire here and enjoy all that this island has to offer have been taken away. Stolen by a life of nickel and diming so much I have nothing left. I had so many plans,... 

You can't survive here without a vehicle. I live in an RV park just outside of town. If I need anything, I have to walk into town. Groceries,... health care,... every basic need will require me to walk into town. No matter the weather or how I feel. With my 'dream budget' money gone I can no longer afford a car or to go anywhere.

And this leaves me no better off than I was back in Ontario. Now I am stuck inside my RV with no way to go anywhere unless I walk. Or ask my cousin and bother him. Which I am not comfortable doing. I know he probobly doesn't mind (or he wouldn't do it) but I don't like being beholden to anyone. I want to live self sufficient. I can't help thinking that somewhere down the line my cousin is going to get tired of being my personal assistant and taxi driver that he will start to resent me. And that will sour our relationship (which is excellent right now). I can't explain how awful it feels to have to rely on someone else just for your basic needs. 

And it was never the plan. The plan was to get a car and LIVE! Go out and explore. Use the money I purposely put aside to be a tourist. Visit all the places the rest of the world come here to enjoy. But with no car or money,... I can no longer do this. Now, I just sit in my RV and watch tv. Exactly what I was doing in Ontario! What I was trying so desperately to escape. And the worst bit? The Island I want to explore is just outside my door. I just can't reach it,.... it taunts me but I just can't get to it. Unless I ask my cousin,... 

I am really enjoying getting to know my two cousins. But so far, all I have done is been a burden to them. The cousin I live next door to in this park helps me every single day. Unfortunately I need him. I don't like knowing I need anyone to rely on. 

Laundry. Is not only terribly expensive here at anwhere from $10 to $20 a load. I did a load on the weekend and it cost me $20. If I did that every 2 weeks it would be $40 a month just for laundry. 

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

The cost of groceries has sky rocketed so much I am back to living off of milk and cereal. I was doing alright the first month I was here but after the money drained I realized I can't afford the monthly cost to live here. It's much more expensive for everyday things that I had anticipated. So now I am back to rationing groceries to cereal,....

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

My RV pad rental alone is $1200 a month. More than I make a month. Which is why I put so much away in the bank to save. So I would always have my RV pad rental for two full years. Now some of that is already gone. Used to 'fix' the tin can I call home.

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

So what was suppose to open my life up to adventure and fun has been shut down forever. No car. No exploring. Back to living in poverty stuck inside watching tv.

And I haven't even started on my pain. I have lived with pain for years. But I am much older now and my pain has become unbearable. I will never get the health care I need (5 surgeries to correct stuff from being hit by a car) leaving me to continue to suffer. I am too old and in too much pain to walk two hours evertime I need to go to the clinic. That isn't even a family doctor - just a nurse practioner. I worked in the medical field so I know how inconsistant this care is. It's a bandaid solution. I desperately need a physical but I will never get one. You need a family doctor before you can get one. So I thought I would finally get the help I need but in the end nothing is different here in BC than it was in Ontario. If you dont have a family doctor ~ then you will have to 'chase' your health care. I am too old and tired and in pain for that. So I gave up even trying to access it.

If I have to 'ask' for everything I need like I am a child,.... then I dont' want this life. I came to BC thinking it would give me opportunities I couldn't access in Ontario. But after being here nearly 2 months I have learned that I am actually worse off here as now I either walk into town for everythig or ask for help. I DONT ASK FOR HELP. If i cant survive on my own ~ I dont' survive. I dont' rely on my cousin or others for basic needs. THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN and it goes agaist everything I feel comfortable with.

NOONE takes into consideration my pain. I live everyday in pain. 

I am tired now. And pain prevents me from living self sufficiently. I am at the point now where I physically can't walk into town anymore as it's too painful.

I am depressed now because of this. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

I am not happy living this way. I dont want to live this way anymore. And if people can't understand this then thats not my problem to explain it. My neighbour emailed me in dismay that I would want to die. But that nieghbour (back in Ontario) has a car and never has to walk anywere. So they dont get it. NOONE who has a car will ever understand having to walk for everything you need. If i have to explain that ~ then I give up. If you can't see that this new life is physically exhausting and you are dismayed I choose death then I guess I just am not getting across my desperation.

I AM 63 ~ AND IN PAIN AND EXHAUSTED. 

And now I have no reward for living this life. I no longer get to do any of the stuff I had planned. Now I just sit in a freezing cold tin can watching tv. Because that is all I am capable of. 

THIS IS NOT A NEW BEGINNING! This is my old life in a different place. Nothing has changed. I am still poor and in pain and isolated away from the world.

I cant get anywere 

So if you have a car then please dont judge me. A car is freedom that I longed for but never got,... and having no car has left me in a trailer park with no way to get anywhere.

THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN  and I refuse to settle for it. I physically can't keep us anyway even if I did accept this life.

So THAT is why I threw my blood pressure meds in the toilet and choose not to seek out health care. One it's just too ;hysically hard to access and two: I just want to have a heart attack and end the suffering.

I cant ask for help from the church i joined as I cant even get to the church i joined. I only ever got there twice. How? Asking my cousin. So i stopped going.

If I cant live self sufficinetly I dont want to live.

If I cant live without pain then I dont want to live.

If I cant live with a few bucks in my pocket to get me out of this RV, then I don't want to live.

I no longer wish to live. So please ~ God ~ give me a heart attack so I no longer have to wake up each morning in so much pain I can't do anything.

Please God ~ just let me die.

I just got an email from my old neighbour saying 

I am dismayed that you are talking about dying when a call to the Minister would solve your problem, unless I am missing information".

And I am dismayed that NOONE FUCKING GETS IT!!!

It's everything,.... it's no car and being stuck watchint tv all day,.... it's no health care,... 

I am not justifying my actions. Unless you have walked in my shoes then you have no idea what I am going through. 

I'm glad your life is so good you can't contemplate suffering but I am suffering and just want to die. if you dont get that then keep your fucking opinion to yourself.

spoken like a true person with money and a a car and doesn't have to walk anywhere or ask anyone for anythig=ng. When you have to ask people for everytthing you do and still can't understand me then by all means call me on it. But from someone who has what i need and judges me for complaining FUCK YOU

Now I just wish to die

 It's really early on Monday morning. It's still dark out. But I can't sleep ~ again. So I drag myself out of bed and put the coffee on. My head is still pounding. I have had this headache for nearly a week now. I'm pretty sure it's my blood pressure. But my blood pressure monitor broke so I can't even check it. But I don't feel right so I think my blood pressure is high.   

I made the decision to stop my blood pressure medication. I tried to get health care but I am finding it too hard. Going to the doctor should not have to feel like climbing Mount Everest. Way too much work. Knowing I will have to walk an hour each way just to get to this place and then only being allowed one complaint, tells me I am never going to get consistant health care.

I am desperate for a physical as I have NUMEROUS issues to deal with. Not just small issues - big issues. But if I am going to be forced to have to make an appointment for each and every issue then fuck it. 

I AM NOT WALKING TWO HOURS FOR ONE COMPLAINT AT THE DOCTOR. If I can't get a physical - which is what I desperately need - then fuck it. I GIVE UP.

So as of today, I have made the decision to stop all medication in the hopes of having a heart attack and dying. I can't live with this pain anymore - but I see no relief or help with it in the future. Just more suffering and struggling.

NOONE should have to work so hard just to see a doctor.

So I am not buying a new blood pressure monitor. I am choosing not to worry about it anymore and let nature take it's course. But with no meds,.... I can't see me surviving more than 6 months.

Thank you Canada for allowing me to fall between the cracks and giving up,.... I feel invisable and unworthy and most of all nothing but a burden. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR HEALTH CARE???????

I am in too much pain to go on,.... but noone seems to give a shit that I am suffering. So I guess they won't give a shit when I die of a heart attack ~ even though I COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SOMEONE JUST SAW ME STRUGGLING!!! But noone does because I am invisable to this country. Just another disabled person draining the resources of this country. Unwanted and now uncared for,....

Well fuck you Canada,..... now I just wish to die

I just hope to die

I am done with this life.

I did everything right. Yet,... this move has done me no good. Infact, when it comes to health care, I am worse off. I made a decision that day last week. I no longer fight for health care. I am so tired of jumping through hoops just to get help. Now the place i need to go is an hours walk away. I have relapsed,... my pain is unbearable,.... I cannot walk an hour there and an hour back. And all for ONE complaint??? I have to make individual appointments for each and every problem I have and walk an hour before and an hour after just to do it????

Fuck off 

It has now been over 5 years that I have tried to get help for my health. Now I give up. 

I stopped my blood pressure medication. Why protect myself from a heart attack just to be 'trapped' inside a cold tin can for the rest of my life with no way to do anything or go anywhere as 'life' nickeled and dimed my entire savings,... I am now BROKE and in debt and can't get by anymore.

I was suppose to be able to buy a car which was to change my life. But that money got eaten by 'fixing' this fucking RV so it's gone. NO CAR. To me - that equals no life. I am now 100% reliant on my cousin. If I need anything ~ I have to ask for a ride to go and get it. This is not ok.

I only want to live if I have REAL health care and the means to 'live' and not just exist. The whole point of moving here was so I didn't get stuck sitting in my apartment watching tv. This move was suppose to give me freedom to enjoy life for a change.

But the money is gone. There will never be a car,.... just me stuck in a freezing cold tin can watching tv for the rest of my life. A beautiful province I can't enjoy as life has robbed me again and taken my money so I have nothing. AGAIN.

My pain is too severe. And noone is listening. Even my cousin has the attitude well at least your not homeless - be grateful for what you have,....

So for his sake I just said ok and pretended I just had a wobble and now everything is ok. But it's not ok. I am done. I stopped my medication and now I hope to die.

I dont' know what happened in this country that I just can't survive but I can't,... and now I'm just too tired to even try

Oh and I got am invoice from Siperior propane for over $500. What a joke. They already have $511 of my money and now they want $500 more to break the contrarct. I am just  a means to take money to this world, free money for everyone. Jacquie has lots,... go scam her,... take her money,.... I"M FUCKING SICK of being used and nickeld and dimed. This company has fucked me. Over $1100 and I was only with them a month. Fucking sick of it all,.... The only reason I seem to be on this planet is to be scammed and conned. Well I have had enough and Superior Propane ~ I hope you can fucking sleep at night knowing you are the reason I gave up. You were the last straw of people being manipulative and sneaky to get all mymoney. YOU WON!!! I'm fucking broke now. You won!!!!!! and ruined my future.

So,.... Roll on death ~ I welcome you with open arms.

And for the record,.... Just because othres have it worse doesn't mean my pain doesn't matter. And thats the whole attitude of this life. Others have it worse so stop your complaining. NOONE cares about your stupid pain just deal and get on with it.

Well I care about my pain,... and I need it gone. But it will never go away as noone cares that I can't access health care. You can't walk the hour there and back? Then I guess your just shit out of luck.

I am fucking done

Roll on death