Happy Birthday to a daughter who hates me but I love her more than life itself

 October 19th 1994

This is the day my youngest daughter was born.

But she doesn't like me

I apologize ~ she ignores like I didn't even say anything

I don't even exist to my children. 

I am a monster

I can't live without my children

or knowing my family thinks I'm a monster

It's time to just go away,....

go away,....

go away,....

and thanks to our horrible health care system? I won't even need to do it myself. My blood pressure tells me I will be dead in 6 months anyway

I go to my grave a monster my children couldn't stand to even look at

I just want to die now

I am so frustrated right now. It is Monday morning. I have had a nice weekend. Infact, the weekends are the only time I am happy. And that is because on the weekend I have my cousin Brian. For companionship, (I am so fucking bored trapped inside that tiny, tiny RV!), for help getting laundry and other stuff done I have no way of doing on my own. Two days of relief from severe boredom and frustration. But now it is Monday morning again. A whole week ahead of me of nothing to do,... nothing to do,.... nothing to do,...

My blood pressure is up and down. Never good. Sometimes its only regular high but often it is dangerously high

I should be calling 911

I will not

Because health care is just too hard to get in Canada without a family doctor. I give up climbing mountains just for a 'you can only discuss one issue' visit with a nurse practioner. NO DOCTOR!!! Just bandaid care. well you can take your fucking bandaid care and shove it up your fucking ass. I'm tired and can't climb your fucking mountains to get help,.... so I give up.

I am fed up of being invisable to this country and to the world

I would rather die of a heart attack

I hate my life and I really just want to die

Sitting in a tiny 200 square foot tin can with nothing to do but watch tv is mind numbing. I am not living,.... I am just breathing.

My anxiety is out of control. I sit here feeling like I am going to have a panic attack all the time. My stomach is in knots,... my nerves are on fire,.. everything bothers me.

I just need to die!!!!!

What happened to Canada that left me invisable

I am waiting for my Walmart grocery order to be delivered. I have no car. I have always had to rely on delivery for food since I lost my car. But this is where being poor is so expensive. If I had a car I would have paid $156.00 total. But because I am poor and don't have a car, I had to pay a lot extra 

    *******************

$1.00 bag fee

$3.51 additional fee (doesn't even tell you what it's for!)

$8.97 delvery fee from store

$8.65 driver tip

$5.00 (cash) for driver at door

$27.13 Total ~ just because I don't have a car and needed delivery

    *********************************

He just arrived and dropped everything off. The delivery guy was very nice and helpful which is why I gave him a five dollar bill in cash. I don't know if Walmart actually gives the drivers their tips so if they are good deliveries I give them cash too. Afterall, they are just trying to earn a living too.

So if your poor and have no transportation your groceries will cost you $27.13 more. 

My laundry has gone up from $2.50 a load to $11.00 or up to $20 a load.

Groceries here are much more expensive than I ever anticipated. Whether this is the same all across Canada right now due to the tariffs and bad economy, or just here on the island, I don't know. But suddenly groceries have become a luxury for me. In that $156 of my MONTHLY shop, I still don't have enough to eat for a month. I will be living off of milk and cereal and hamburgers. Like I have for the past 3 or 4 years. 

Now that I have bought everything for the month on my budget, I can see I am in trouble. I went $400 in the hole last month due to unexpected costs. And we are only half way through October and I am already over $300 in the hole. This is telling me that the cost of living here is more than I can afford. 

I am going into the red every month by hundreds of dollars. At this rate I will be deeply in debt by the time I turn 65 and get my benefits to top me up to a livable monthly wage.

Canada has priced me right out of living!!!!

And with Superior propane scamming $600 more dollars which they are extorting me now. They are refusing to come and pick up their tank. It sits right infront of my RV. My cousin asked them not to put it there when they delivered it as my RV couldn't get out if there was a fire. They refused to put it anywhere else but exactly infront of my RV. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! If you don't pay they extort you,....

Pay or you can't move your RV or get propane from someone else. Now I have no heat or hot water once this tank runs out,...

It's like the world thinks I'm on this planet to be scammed,... conned,... bullied,...

I just can't take it anymore. WAY too much to deal with right now and I am not doing well. Pain,... money problems,.... can't find health care,... no car,... isloated in a tin can everyday going out of my mind with boredom. This is not living,....

Goint to Vancouver Whitecaps games is living,...

Getting to drive around and see the Island and all it's beauty is living,...

Having my daughters in my life and my grandchild is living,...

Being able to go where you want when you want and to afford it is living,...

But this???? This being completely isolated inside all day is NOT LIVING. It is surviving,.... it is not even existing, it is surviving. And surviving is fucking exhausting right now.

I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I am so numb inside that I can't even feel anymore. FROZEN

What the fuck happened to Canada that I am fucking invisable 

Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable

I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care

I guess I wasn't worth saving to anyone in this country

It's four o'clock in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I have given up trying and put the coffee on. I have a headache. I took my blood pressure. Very high. I should be calling 911. But I am not.

My life has not been good for years and years and years,....

I just hope I finally have a heart attack and die.

If I can't get health care,....

then lets hope tonight is the night that I finally have a heart attack and die.

I'm so tired of trying to get help.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy and undeserving in my life,...

I guess I just wasn't worth saving,.....

Canada is allowing me to die and not giving me help so FUCK CANADA!

My blood pressure is out of control again. My BP monitor broke from the move so I haven't been checking my blood pressure. But the past week or so I have had a pressure headache so I knew something was going on. Yesterday my cousin drove me to Walmart so I could buy a BP monitor. Theres another $70 wasted on stuff I hadn't budgeted for putting me behind even more.

It's DANGEROUSLY high again!!!

But this time,... I am not seeking help. Because this here is the cycle that I am in with no health care. I get severly high BP. I call an ambulance,... I go to hospital and get a BP perscription and go home. When that subscription runs out ~ I have to climb Mount Everestt to renew it. Walk an hour to walk in and then an hour back home. 

I am too old to do this anymore.

So I have made the decision to let myself DIE.

Health care is just too hard to access.

So roll on heart attack,.....

I can't wait to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!

And Canada ~ your badly run country just killed another one.

And YOU don't even care,.....

DUCK CANADA as you have literally allowed me to die!!!!!

Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU

 Maybe

 I was just not meant

 to be happy

I just need to die

I don't even know where to begin. I am not happy. I am in severe pain and I am getting no help.

I need to do laundry today. Will i do it? No. Why? Because I don't have it in me today to fill up my dirty clothes into a suitcase and walk that suitcase into town to the laundromatte. I honestly just don't have the energy. So how do I do laundry???? This has become a problem for me.

I guess I will just wear dirty clothes and smell now. :(

Living in an RV is not good for FM sufferers. My bed is a place of pain for me. Just getting in and out of it causes me such pain. Can you imagine waking up and just to get out of bed you have to endure severe pain. Not a nice way to start your day.

This RV is so small there is no room to do anything. And because of this, I am climbing over stuff to get to other stuff which is painful.

Everything about this RV causes me pain.

I HATE this fucking RV and I have made a terrible mistake.

Now I just want to die and get some relief from this fucking pain.

DIE
DIE
DIE

I hate my life and now I just need to die

I don't want this RV anymore

I don't want to live in this RV at all

But there are no other choices so I have to make a decision

And that decision is to die

I guess I was just never meant to be born,....

The thought of death is just so peaceful to me

 I have woken up a bit calmer. I think because I have made the decision and started the ball rolling. I feel such a deep exhaustion ~ a deep pain ~ that I just can't go on anymore. And making the decision to go through MAiD's has given me peace.

I know my suffering will stop soon

I love my children but they are never coming back. And them believing I am a monster is just too unbearable. So horrible I am not allowed to be part of the family - is a pain I cannot deal with. It has eaten me up inside. I go to bed every night and think about my children. I torture myself knowing they hate me.

I can't live without my children.

I can't live knowing they think I'm a monster

I feel relief having started the process to finally die,...

I am so heartbroken and in so much pain,...

How can you live in peace knowing your children think your a monster??? I can't,.... the pain of that tortures me and can no longer deal with that pain.

I am a failure

I have failed

I just need to die now

All i want to do now is die.

And the thought of death is just so peaceful to me.

The ball is rolling to start MAiDs

I know that people won't understand. But I have to do what is right for me at this point. My Pain has gotten too bad for me. I am not able to be self sufficient anymore which is very important to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and that is what I have become.

I made some phone calls today. They are sending out the MAiDs application form to me through the post as I couldn't print it out when they emailed it. I had a problem with a witness watching me fill out the form and sign it as I had noone to ask. The woman I spoke with said she would be my witness. So that problem is now sorted. 

I can't tell you how disappointed I am in Canadas health care system. It has failed me. But I am not going to spend my remaining years in agony just because my govenment can't get their act together and supply every Canadian with a family doctor. Those without have to jump through hoops for care and I am too old and tired for those hoops.

Life has not been kind or gentle for the past few years and it has destroyed my spirit. If I had my children and grandchild in my life the pain would be worth fighting through. But with noone in my life anymore,… and being isolated away in a trailer unable to go anywhere to live life,…. thats not living,… thats suffering.

Just let me end it now.

Life should never have been this way

So sad

 I have made phone calls. But apparently life is very unworthy and doesn't have a lot of value here in Canada as all I have got is the run around so far. Call this number - call that number,.... I have called about half a dozen numbers but so far - noone has called back. When you leave a message that you are 63 and in pain and can't access heaelth care in Canada so would like to go through MAiDs,... and you get the run around 

YOUR LIFE HAS NO VALUE

I can't even get help to die

I will wait for today. If noone calls me back that tells me I am an invisable piece of shit noone cares about.

I will just do it myself

RV Life is not for me and I am walking away. Taking a huge loss and walking away. I have had enough. 

I am so depressed and unhappy I can't go on.

So I am doing whatever it takes to die.

I cant eat,... I can't sleep. I am miserable because I know now there is no place for me on this planet.

I am not wanted

I am not loved

I am hated

I am a monster

I deserve to die 

Everyone thinks I'm an uncaring bitch,...

Hard

When really I just don't understand what people want from me

So I say the wrong thing

I don't read conversations the same way,...

I don't know how

so everybody leaves

I miss my girls

Without them,.....

I have no life

:( 

I really do give up

 I have woken up dispondent. I have only been in BC 7 weeks and already my dream has been shattered. All the plans I had to retire here and enjoy all that this island has to offer have been taken away. Stolen by a life of nickel and diming so much I have nothing left. I had so many plans,... 

You can't survive here without a vehicle. I live in an RV park just outside of town. If I need anything, I have to walk into town. Groceries,... health care,... every basic need will require me to walk into town. No matter the weather or how I feel. With my 'dream budget' money gone I can no longer afford a car or to go anywhere.

And this leaves me no better off than I was back in Ontario. Now I am stuck inside my RV with no way to go anywhere unless I walk. Or ask my cousin and bother him. Which I am not comfortable doing. I know he probobly doesn't mind (or he wouldn't do it) but I don't like being beholden to anyone. I want to live self sufficient. I can't help thinking that somewhere down the line my cousin is going to get tired of being my personal assistant and taxi driver that he will start to resent me. And that will sour our relationship (which is excellent right now). I can't explain how awful it feels to have to rely on someone else just for your basic needs. 

And it was never the plan. The plan was to get a car and LIVE! Go out and explore. Use the money I purposely put aside to be a tourist. Visit all the places the rest of the world come here to enjoy. But with no car or money,... I can no longer do this. Now, I just sit in my RV and watch tv. Exactly what I was doing in Ontario! What I was trying so desperately to escape. And the worst bit? The Island I want to explore is just outside my door. I just can't reach it,.... it taunts me but I just can't get to it. Unless I ask my cousin,... 

I am really enjoying getting to know my two cousins. But so far, all I have done is been a burden to them. The cousin I live next door to in this park helps me every single day. Unfortunately I need him. I don't like knowing I need anyone to rely on. 

Laundry. Is not only terribly expensive here at anwhere from $10 to $20 a load. I did a load on the weekend and it cost me $20. If I did that every 2 weeks it would be $40 a month just for laundry. 

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

The cost of groceries has sky rocketed so much I am back to living off of milk and cereal. I was doing alright the first month I was here but after the money drained I realized I can't afford the monthly cost to live here. It's much more expensive for everyday things that I had anticipated. So now I am back to rationing groceries to cereal,....

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

My RV pad rental alone is $1200 a month. More than I make a month. Which is why I put so much away in the bank to save. So I would always have my RV pad rental for two full years. Now some of that is already gone. Used to 'fix' the tin can I call home.

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

So what was suppose to open my life up to adventure and fun has been shut down forever. No car. No exploring. Back to living in poverty stuck inside watching tv.

And I haven't even started on my pain. I have lived with pain for years. But I am much older now and my pain has become unbearable. I will never get the health care I need (5 surgeries to correct stuff from being hit by a car) leaving me to continue to suffer. I am too old and in too much pain to walk two hours evertime I need to go to the clinic. That isn't even a family doctor - just a nurse practioner. I worked in the medical field so I know how inconsistant this care is. It's a bandaid solution. I desperately need a physical but I will never get one. You need a family doctor before you can get one. So I thought I would finally get the help I need but in the end nothing is different here in BC than it was in Ontario. If you dont have a family doctor ~ then you will have to 'chase' your health care. I am too old and tired and in pain for that. So I gave up even trying to access it.

If I have to 'ask' for everything I need like I am a child,.... then I dont' want this life. I came to BC thinking it would give me opportunities I couldn't access in Ontario. But after being here nearly 2 months I have learned that I am actually worse off here as now I either walk into town for everythig or ask for help. I DONT ASK FOR HELP. If i cant survive on my own ~ I dont' survive. I dont' rely on my cousin or others for basic needs. THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN and it goes agaist everything I feel comfortable with.

NOONE takes into consideration my pain. I live everyday in pain. 

I am tired now. And pain prevents me from living self sufficiently. I am at the point now where I physically can't walk into town anymore as it's too painful.

I am depressed now because of this. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

I am not happy living this way. I dont want to live this way anymore. And if people can't understand this then thats not my problem to explain it. My neighbour emailed me in dismay that I would want to die. But that nieghbour (back in Ontario) has a car and never has to walk anywere. So they dont get it. NOONE who has a car will ever understand having to walk for everything you need. If i have to explain that ~ then I give up. If you can't see that this new life is physically exhausting and you are dismayed I choose death then I guess I just am not getting across my desperation.

I AM 63 ~ AND IN PAIN AND EXHAUSTED. 

And now I have no reward for living this life. I no longer get to do any of the stuff I had planned. Now I just sit in a freezing cold tin can watching tv. Because that is all I am capable of. 

THIS IS NOT A NEW BEGINNING! This is my old life in a different place. Nothing has changed. I am still poor and in pain and isolated away from the world.

I cant get anywere 

So if you have a car then please dont judge me. A car is freedom that I longed for but never got,... and having no car has left me in a trailer park with no way to get anywhere.

THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN  and I refuse to settle for it. I physically can't keep us anyway even if I did accept this life.

So THAT is why I threw my blood pressure meds in the toilet and choose not to seek out health care. One it's just too ;hysically hard to access and two: I just want to have a heart attack and end the suffering.

I cant ask for help from the church i joined as I cant even get to the church i joined. I only ever got there twice. How? Asking my cousin. So i stopped going.

If I cant live self sufficinetly I dont want to live.

If I cant live without pain then I dont want to live.

If I cant live with a few bucks in my pocket to get me out of this RV, then I don't want to live.

I no longer wish to live. So please ~ God ~ give me a heart attack so I no longer have to wake up each morning in so much pain I can't do anything.

Please God ~ just let me die.

I just got an email from my old neighbour saying 

I am dismayed that you are talking about dying when a call to the Minister would solve your problem, unless I am missing information".

And I am dismayed that NOONE FUCKING GETS IT!!!

It's everything,.... it's no car and being stuck watchint tv all day,.... it's no health care,... 

I am not justifying my actions. Unless you have walked in my shoes then you have no idea what I am going through. 

I'm glad your life is so good you can't contemplate suffering but I am suffering and just want to die. if you dont get that then keep your fucking opinion to yourself.

spoken like a true person with money and a a car and doesn't have to walk anywhere or ask anyone for anythig=ng. When you have to ask people for everytthing you do and still can't understand me then by all means call me on it. But from someone who has what i need and judges me for complaining FUCK YOU

Now I just wish to die

 It's really early on Monday morning. It's still dark out. But I can't sleep ~ again. So I drag myself out of bed and put the coffee on. My head is still pounding. I have had this headache for nearly a week now. I'm pretty sure it's my blood pressure. But my blood pressure monitor broke so I can't even check it. But I don't feel right so I think my blood pressure is high.   

I made the decision to stop my blood pressure medication. I tried to get health care but I am finding it too hard. Going to the doctor should not have to feel like climbing Mount Everest. Way too much work. Knowing I will have to walk an hour each way just to get to this place and then only being allowed one complaint, tells me I am never going to get consistant health care.

I am desperate for a physical as I have NUMEROUS issues to deal with. Not just small issues - big issues. But if I am going to be forced to have to make an appointment for each and every issue then fuck it. 

I AM NOT WALKING TWO HOURS FOR ONE COMPLAINT AT THE DOCTOR. If I can't get a physical - which is what I desperately need - then fuck it. I GIVE UP.

So as of today, I have made the decision to stop all medication in the hopes of having a heart attack and dying. I can't live with this pain anymore - but I see no relief or help with it in the future. Just more suffering and struggling.

NOONE should have to work so hard just to see a doctor.

So I am not buying a new blood pressure monitor. I am choosing not to worry about it anymore and let nature take it's course. But with no meds,.... I can't see me surviving more than 6 months.

Thank you Canada for allowing me to fall between the cracks and giving up,.... I feel invisable and unworthy and most of all nothing but a burden. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR HEALTH CARE???????

I am in too much pain to go on,.... but noone seems to give a shit that I am suffering. So I guess they won't give a shit when I die of a heart attack ~ even though I COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SOMEONE JUST SAW ME STRUGGLING!!! But noone does because I am invisable to this country. Just another disabled person draining the resources of this country. Unwanted and now uncared for,....

Well fuck you Canada,..... now I just wish to die

I just hope to die

I am done with this life.

I did everything right. Yet,... this move has done me no good. Infact, when it comes to health care, I am worse off. I made a decision that day last week. I no longer fight for health care. I am so tired of jumping through hoops just to get help. Now the place i need to go is an hours walk away. I have relapsed,... my pain is unbearable,.... I cannot walk an hour there and an hour back. And all for ONE complaint??? I have to make individual appointments for each and every problem I have and walk an hour before and an hour after just to do it????

Fuck off 

It has now been over 5 years that I have tried to get help for my health. Now I give up. 

I stopped my blood pressure medication. Why protect myself from a heart attack just to be 'trapped' inside a cold tin can for the rest of my life with no way to do anything or go anywhere as 'life' nickeled and dimed my entire savings,... I am now BROKE and in debt and can't get by anymore.

I was suppose to be able to buy a car which was to change my life. But that money got eaten by 'fixing' this fucking RV so it's gone. NO CAR. To me - that equals no life. I am now 100% reliant on my cousin. If I need anything ~ I have to ask for a ride to go and get it. This is not ok.

I only want to live if I have REAL health care and the means to 'live' and not just exist. The whole point of moving here was so I didn't get stuck sitting in my apartment watching tv. This move was suppose to give me freedom to enjoy life for a change.

But the money is gone. There will never be a car,.... just me stuck in a freezing cold tin can watching tv for the rest of my life. A beautiful province I can't enjoy as life has robbed me again and taken my money so I have nothing. AGAIN.

My pain is too severe. And noone is listening. Even my cousin has the attitude well at least your not homeless - be grateful for what you have,....

So for his sake I just said ok and pretended I just had a wobble and now everything is ok. But it's not ok. I am done. I stopped my medication and now I hope to die.

I dont' know what happened in this country that I just can't survive but I can't,... and now I'm just too tired to even try

Oh and I got am invoice from Siperior propane for over $500. What a joke. They already have $511 of my money and now they want $500 more to break the contrarct. I am just  a means to take money to this world, free money for everyone. Jacquie has lots,... go scam her,... take her money,.... I"M FUCKING SICK of being used and nickeld and dimed. This company has fucked me. Over $1100 and I was only with them a month. Fucking sick of it all,.... The only reason I seem to be on this planet is to be scammed and conned. Well I have had enough and Superior Propane ~ I hope you can fucking sleep at night knowing you are the reason I gave up. You were the last straw of people being manipulative and sneaky to get all mymoney. YOU WON!!! I'm fucking broke now. You won!!!!!! and ruined my future.

So,.... Roll on death ~ I welcome you with open arms.

And for the record,.... Just because othres have it worse doesn't mean my pain doesn't matter. And thats the whole attitude of this life. Others have it worse so stop your complaining. NOONE cares about your stupid pain just deal and get on with it.

Well I care about my pain,... and I need it gone. But it will never go away as noone cares that I can't access health care. You can't walk the hour there and back? Then I guess your just shit out of luck.

I am fucking done

Roll on death

Now I hope to die

 I am sat here despondent. It's just after 3 in the morning. I can't sleep. I don't get a lot of sleep anymore. Too much on my mind. The air is cool so I am wrapped up in my housecoat trying to keep the damp out. Rain pounds down on my RV roof. I feel cold. I can never get warm these days. Feeling cold = pain for me. The damp gets right into my bones and just throbs. It's all consuming. I don't know how to cope with it. So I sit here and just cry.

I called the place to get health care today. I ended up so upset I threw my medication down the toilet and decided health care is just something that for some reason is just too hard to get for me. I found out the place I needed to go was an hours walk away. Much furthur than I had anticipated. I have not been well the past few days. Pain has been overwhelming. I am finding it harder to walk into town. Today,... I just couldn't face it. I asked to come in. She offered me 15 minutes to deal with my blood pressure but no other problems. So I am suppose to WALK for an hour just to talk about blood pressure and not allowed to discuss any other problem? And then WALK an hour home? I have 63 with no doctor. I have dozens of issues that need looking at. If I have to walk 2 hours for every appointment then it's useless to me.

I am too old to jump through hoops just for basic health care. 

Why can't I get a phsical and take care of ALL of my issues???? I have been without health care for years and it has piled up and I starting to suffer. But if 15 minutes is all I am worth and I have to walk two hours just to get it? Then I give up. I am too old and tired to deal with that nonsense.

So I took my meds and I threw them all down the toilet. From this day on I do nothing to help my health. And in this I hope to have a heart attack and die.

Health care should not be this hard to access and I am fed up and just dont care anymore.

ROLL ON HEART ATTACK! I am done suffering

I have now tried to get health care in two provinced in Canada and both were too hard to get.

Now I hope to DIE

 

I wish I had never even been born

 I'm back. I know this blog is only for when I am feeling overwhelmed and depressed, but that is how I feel today. And i need to write it all down to get it out.

This is not working out. It sounded great in theory. Buy an RV and live out my retirement in peace and happiness. But what theory doesn't expose is 'real life'. And in this case ~ money. I wish someone had sat me down and said buying an RV is just going to drain your bank account and leave you with nothing but a cold tin can to live in and a hefty RV pad rental cost each month.

I thought buying this RV was 'turn key'. All I had to do was move in. I had all these plans to make my life better ~ easier,... buy a car so I finally have transportation. I actually put money aside in my budget to make sure this would happen. With a car I could be self sufficient. Not have to rely on anyone to do my basic living errands. Groceries,... laundry,.... 

But instead nothing worked in this RV and I got stuck spending all my money just to make this thing livable. Now,... all that money I put aside is gone,.... This RV sure does look nice. Shiny and new,... but when you look closer? It's not well made. The windows are plastic and keep no heat in. It feels like a cold tin can. I know from this day forward I am always going to feel cold.

I have been 'conned' by Superior Propane into a very expensive propane plan. What I thought was free installation and $500 worth of free propane (an excellent deal I couldn't refuse) turned into a $119 charge for my monthly rental cost as well as $392 for the installation. (But I thought that was free?) Now I am learning that the $119 monthly cost is JUST THE RENTAL OF THE PROPANE TANK!!! I still have to pay propane on top of that! So i feel I was duped with fancy talking marketing promos that I obviously didn't understand. I cannot afford this at all so I have no choice but ot cancel out of this contract.

Now they are coming after me for over $1000.00 to break my contract. So I haven't even been on the island for two months and I already have debters coming after me. I got duped,... and it cost me way too much,... It cost me getting a car,...

And then theres laundry. Something that should be so simple. But here? A problem every time. I have no car, so I have to WALK into town pulling a big suitcase of all my clothes to the laudromatte where I pay $11.00 a load to wash my clothes. (I only paid $2.50 a load back at my old place) This wouldn't be a problem if I was 30 years old and not in constant pain. But for a 63 year old person to have to do this is just shit. Now I am sitting here with two large loads of dirty clothes on my floor and nothing clean to wear. Now I have to walk into town and spend $22 that I dont have. And because I dont have it ~ I have no clean clothes and dirty clothes everywhere as its so small in this RV I dont even have a dirty clothes hamper. No room. So they just lay on my bed or floor taking up room pissing me off every time I step all over them. If I want laundry done I have to do 'the fucking walk' or rely on my cousin.

I want to be self sufficient. If I cant do groceries and laundry myself then what is the fucking point???? I now have to bug my cousin every time I need something. I refuse to do this. So instead I have mounds of dirty clothes that need washing but I am too tired and sore to walk into town. SO IT HASN'T GOTTEN DONE IN 4 DAYS.

Now my money is all gone. It's not only gone,... but I am now in debt over $4000. The money I have set aside for RV pad rentals has been used for 'fixing' this broken tin can that was suppose to be 'turn-key' and move in ready. Instead I have spent a fortune to fix shit.

Now with no car in the future I am stuck right back where I started from. Being stuck inside my home with no way to go anywhere and no money to do anything. I am completely reliant on my cousin. I do not like this. I refuse to live relying on others for basic chores and needs. I am back to being POOR. Living in POVERTY. And stuck inside my home with nothing to do bored out of my mind watching tv again,...

I only get $1000 a month to live on. REREAD THAT.

$1,072.74 is all I bring in a  month. My rental pad is more than I bring in at $1200 a month.

So I am right back where I was 3 months ago. No money to live on,... no transportation to go anywhere and now I am stuck inside a cold tin can freezing. I can't even afford the cost of propane now. So now I have to live off of two 700 watt heaters (any stronger and I will blow out my fuses) to keep warm. It does not keep me warm. Infact,... it is so damp and cool my fibromyalgia has completely gone out of remission and I am now fighting that too,... SEVERE PAIN.

I dont' know what I did in life to deserve such hardship. But I am too tired to continue on,... I am 63 fucking years old and have been struggling for 25 or those years. I am done,....

I am not going to spend the remainder of my life freezing in a tin can I can't affrod to heat,...

I think I tried every which way I could to escape poverty. But Canada is too far gone and I can't survive. This country has priced me right of living. And now I'm not comfortable at all. I am not retiring peacefully and happily,.... I am cold. And broke,... and can't leave my RV as I have no car or money!!!.

It's time to realize all my efforts just weren't good enough. Canada just doesn't want me to survive. They made it too hard and I got too tired. The pain alone is unbearable,.... but no health care.

Now I plan my escape,...

How sad my life has been. I wish I had never even been born.

It's time to hand in my application to MAiDs.

I tried but Canada failed me.

Taking the good with the bad

 I have been in BC for just under one month. There have been good things happening,.... and there have been frustrating things happening. I am trying to embrace the good and cope with the bad. But boy there have been days that I wanted to pack it all in and just lay down in a heap on the floor and just cry.

But my cousin (Brian) has been awesome. He has not only stepped in and been my peresonal helper but he is also my cheerleader when I get discouraged. He reminds me that these are only teething pains. All RV owners go through them. He admits mine have been a lot and definitely frustrating but he did remind me that we will get it all sorted out and things will eventually settle down.

My refridgerator died. I lost all of my groceries. I had just bought about $60 worth of meat which went bad and I had to throw out. Infact, I had to throw out 3 bags of rotten food. I now have no food in my RV as I have nowhere to put it to keep it fresh. A neighbour brought me down a small bar fridge which I am thankfully using. At least I can still have milk and cereal now. Yesterday I had to go out and order a new fridge. It's going to be close to $1000 with delivery and taxes. THAT is one purchase I was NOT expecting and really hit my bank account hard. So today I have to walk to the Brick and pay for and order a new fridge. FRUSTRATING!

I had another issue where my batteries stopped working. Leaving me with no lights or tv or wifi. That took ages to figure out and fix. I am still having other issues I can't figure out so I had to break down and call an RV Technician to come out and take a look at all of these issues I am having. At $260 an hour I feel sick having to pay that but it has to be done. 

This RV that was suppose to be 'turn-key' ready,.... wasn't. And it has cost me way more than it ever should have leaving me with a lot less money. This wasn't part of the plan!!!!!!

But I did get some good news. The RV pad right beside my cousin has become available. So I have asked to move my RV down to be beside Brian. That way we can make an outside space for the both of us to enjoy. Share our space on the outside. Get a gazebo and a barbecue and chairs and make ourselves a nice out-door living space. It has been a real advantage having Brian in  my life. He is not only kind, but very knowledgable so he is always figuring things out for me when I run into something else that broke. He has offered me his time over and over again giving up things he had planned for himself. I owe my cousing a great deal.

I am feeling better mentally today. I just reminded myself again why I moved here. There are no 'nasty' Kelly, Darrens or Marks out to purposely make my life difficult. I can be whoever I want to be here. I can go wherever I want to go here. No bored drug addicts planning revenge just becasue they are bored. That part of my life - which was really bad when I left - is now gone. I can't tell you how much stress those 3 idiots caused me back in Ontario but now I am out. I am so grateful that I never have to deal with these people ever again. And that alone is worth all the shit I am going through now.

The bad news ~ I have sunk over $5000.00 into this RV just to 'fix' shit. I used way more money than I had anticipated so now I have to go out and find a cleaning job or something as I have to make back all this money I used. If i dont,... I will run out of money by 2028 and wont be able to pay my RV pad rental. So I have no choice but to find a job to make up $3000.00 over the next year.

But BC is so beautiful! Every time I get discouraged and have a melt down,... I pick myself up and dust myself off and tell myself I am still better off in BC than I ever was in Ontario. I just have to be patient and get through all these teething pains. I had not anicipated spending so much to start up. But I have. Instead of worrying about it, I just have to get through it. Once i am through all these unexpected 'fixes' I can relax. (At least that is the hope ~ please let me have some peace here eventually to just enjoy)

Today I have to walk into town to run some errands. I walk into town almost everyday. I have nothing in my (borrowed) fridge  as I threw it all out when it went bad. So I need to buy more groceries. (But no freezer now so can't buy meat). 

Life has been a challenge here. But i think once I settle it will all be worth it. I just have to hang in there and get through it.

 This ship is sinking,....

 Things just keep going from bad to worse. Today I woke up to no battery power. No battery power means no tv or wifi or lights. I have enough wifi left to google what the problem is and it sounds like when the hot water on demand tank was installed the wire got disconnected or loosened and now isn't working. Do I call the 'un-licenced' guy in my park who installed it for me? Or do I just finally call a real RV tech at A LOT OF MONEY to come and fix it? Either way I can't do anything right now as it's 6 o'clock in the morning.

This RV is a money pit.

I dont want to live in it anymore but I have nowhere to go.

So I am sitting here at 6 in the morning,.... with no tv and nothing to do. Sitting in a tiny RV with not a damn thing to do.

What have I done? I had no choice but to leave Ontario yet I find myself in yet another struggle I can't seem to get out of.

Maybe it's time to call it a day. My end of life stuff is all bought and paid for so maybe it's just time to end it all.

I am so tired of nothing ever going right. 

I think it's time to end it all.

 I have had enough but don't know what to do.

I can't stay in this RV anymore.

I am sat here - nauseaus - from the smell but have nowhere to go.

I just want to die

PLEASE just let me die

I just need to die

 Well I am back to the old misery blog so what does that tell you? I am miserable again. Moving to BC has not been the 'save' I thought it was going to be. Infact,... so far, it's been nothing but a money drain. I have not only used up my whole budget but have had to tap into my 'living expenses' budget. Ro the tune of thousands of dollars. That money was put away as I DONT MAKE ENOUGH TO SURVIVE EACH MONTH AND THAT MONEY IS TO SUPLEMENT THAT LOSS!! Now when the time comes to pay my rent - the money wont be there.

This RV has been nothing but a money pit.

I like the RV and I like the place i am in. But I was not expecting to be drained of every penny I had to start up this life. I have had smells,... water issues,... and everything came with a hefty pricetag to fix. Today I find out I need a new fridge. The one in here is so bad I have had to throw out chunky milk 3 times as the fridge wont work. I have had to throw out expensive meat and groceries as they have gone bad.

I can't help thinking I have gone from the frying pan into the fire,....

Why am I being forced to live? Why is everything i touch a struggle? Why can't I just live - normally - without hassle? WHY?

I have decdied this move was not the right thing to do. If the RV had been sound and i didnt' have to waste money 'fixing' it, things would have been fine. But they are not fine. Everything in this RV was broken and cost me my savings to fix. Now I have nothing left and have gone into debt and still I need a new fridge.

Time to make some hard decisions,.... stop my meds and hope to die.

I have had enough of being scammed and treated like a horrible fucking person,...

I just need to die!!!!!!!!!!!

What did I ever do in this lifetime that has left me struggling every single place I go,.... I can't take it anymore. I just want to die now.

 I am in crisis. All I want to do is DIE

I have woken up to NO WATER. But being brand new to the RV life I have no idea how to fix it. So I am sat here - crying - as I hate where I am. This RV still smells horrible and I can't stay here. So I gave Brian all of his stuff back and i plan on walking away. But I can't find affordable housing. Story of my life,.... noone wants me,... and I can't find a place i can afford.

So I think I am going to pack a bag and get myself over to the mainland and find a cheap hotel there and find fentanyl and die.

And now its all gone to shit

 I have decided I have had enough. I called MAiDs today and I am going to apply.

My brand new RV smells absolutely HORRIBLE of sewar gas and mold. I landed in the ER today and walked out with meds for steroids and puffers. I will suffer this horrible fiberglass feeling in my lungs for as long as I live here in this RV,

So I cant live in thsi RV.

This will be the third time I have lost everythign and had to start again.

I will not be doing that

I am exhausted and too traumatized to want to.

I did everything RIGHT but still paid $51000 for a moldy tin can.

I give up

FUCK LIFE

I'm going through MAiDs ~ and if they say no then I do it my fucking self. I take the ferry to Vancouver to the downtown Eastside and take a fatal dose of fentanyl.

NOONE SHOULD BE SCAMMED 3 fucking times and lose everything,....

 Things were going so well,... I was so happy. But in my life we all know happiness doesn't last. And today I reached out to MAiDs as I have had enough.

I have been in BC in my new RV for one week. The first few days were wonderful. Awesome,... the stress of the idiots in the gazebo had lifted and I was starting to feel peace. 

But now real life is setting in and with that comes a horrible horrible smell. My RV smells like sewage gas and mold. So bad I am sick. I have been sick since the day I moved in. Obviously it sat too long somewhere and it got mold and mildew. But on the inside. Even though this thing was in mint condition and was perfect ~ I guess mold was in here all along. As soon as I started turning my a/c or fan on I was blasted with a mildewy aroma that fills this whole RV. I have been sick because of it. I have been coughing up green flem and have a bad cough and feel nauseous all the time.

And then yesterday,...the smell of sewer gas started. This morning it's over-whelming and I can barely stand it. But when I went outside for some relief, it was too hot for me. (I'm quite sick and cant take the heat) so I am back sitting inside 'my new home' feeling like death warmed over.

I hate it. Not BC,.... this RV. I got sold a lemon.

But I refuse to be scammed once again and left with something I can't even live in.

I called the dealership and they are coming out at one o'clock and i know they are going to con me as they have said we will get you duct cleaning,.... what a joke. Its mold. dangerous mold and it cant be removed with duct cleaning.

So I know i will get bullied and left with this problem on my own. I refuse to deal.

I will just talk with MAiDs and if they wont help me then its the last option in my arsenal - Vancouver DES ~ Downtown Eastside. And a healthy dose of fentanyl and I will be gone,...

I am too old and too exhausted and too traumatized from all the shit I've had to endure to carry on,...

Now I just want to be dead. 

Now all I concentrate on is getting dead.

I am done with this fucking world

I nearly didn't make it to BC. Those idiots ~ kelly, Mark and Darren nearly got me arrested.

I had heard from people that they were 'up to something' and then later I heard they were actively trying to get me arrested so I couldn't board my plane to BC. Of course I thought this was ridiculous. Who on earth is that evil,... diabolical,... to purposely casue someone such hardship. I kind of just laughed it off - but I shouldn't have. Two days before I left, those 3 started this campaigne of finding me - yelling "stop stalking me" and things of that nature to make it look like I was after THEM. And it worked. The police got called,.... I got called the aggressor andI was placed in handcuffs and ready to be marched out. But I begged,... cried,.... I promised them I would stay inside my unit until the cabpickedme up to go to the airport. I had to GROVEL,..... but it worked. Me moving might have saved me. I was able to say I wont behere after two days and the whole issue goes away. Thank God they released me and I had to promise to "leave Kelly alone" which really pissed me off as everyone else knows (and have come up and told me later) that they all know I got up and walked away everytime Kelly came around. But because Kelly is such a liar and an evil personality - she went to her caregiver with this sob story how she is being stalked by me and I am abusing and bullying her,.... what a joke. Every smoker in that gazebo knows the truth. But because Mark is 6 foot 7 and a scary guy - noone stood up for me. (at least not infront of him)

I just can't believe how low these people will stoop. I knew Mark and Darren were a couple of evil idiots but they have found their third in Kelly. Between the 3 of them they have literally concocted this whole plan of 'chase me around everywhere I go and then yell stalker" and they did! I had to hide in my unit for the last week and I was too scared to come out for running into one of them and them starting this drama. I have no idea what is wrong with thsi Kelly but she is an evil bitch.

But I am out of there now,... gone,... and hopefully they are not going to follow me. (But I do have my concerns about things I have heard that they are still going to come after me even with me here in BC!???) what is wrong with these people??? Just let it go,.......

And as I was walking home from the dollar store with myt friends daughter, the woman who ran me over - Diane - drove into our parking lot and yells "Good bye asshole" My friends daughter couldn't believe it. But I get this all the time - every single day - from all of them. NOW my friends (Debra dn Sandra) see it. 

I have totally lost faith in humanity today.

 I don't even know if I have the heart to write this. They got me,...

And in the end what happened is exactly waht I said they wanted to happen.

I was doing laps - as I always do - when kelly came out of her unit and started in on me. Get off my floor - you dont belong on this floor,... stop stalking me,... blah,... blah,... blah,....

I am 100% honest when i say I didnt' even know what apartment she lived in. And in the end it doesn't matter - I have evdery right to do my laps as I have done for two years now since my accident.

The ambulance was called as my blood pressure soared,... police got involved and after all was said and done the police came back from talking to them and the end result?

I am the aggressor. 

So I totally give up. I have lost faith in humanity this morning. I clearly have said I want nothing to do with her yet she comes after me,... but noone stuck up for me and they believed her and I was told I have to stay away from her and Mark. What a joke,.... they didn't talk to anyone other than theri side.

Did I not say there plan was to get me arrested so I can't board the plane? They nearly succeeded becasue Kelly lied and said I was stalking her wehn I was just doing my laps.

The police 'agreed' to not press charges (for what? Running away from her every time I see her?) as Long as I get on that plane and leave.

Noone asked my side,... my frineds,... the people who saw everything kept silent. They are afraid of mark and kelly and I paid the price.

I refuse to leave my unit now. And I dont' want oto talk to one soul in this building. How dare they keep silent,.... I know they saw her accoust me,... I know they saw me get up and leave when she came in dozens of times,.... where was all that???? Instead she got to lie - her and mark and i was the aggressor and nearly charged.

I have totally lost faith in humanity today.

Fuck you Kelly - in the end who won?

 Ok it wasn't my last blog post as the nonsense has ramped up and I have to get it out of my system before I go. I have been accousted - twice by both Kelly and Marc to "stay out of the gazebo when we are in there" (Like they are the gatekeepers of the gazebo). And to show they mean business they are apparently 'wating for me' so they can 'have their showdown' which shows their mentality. I am here for one week yet instead of just letting it go - they are planning to retaliate. if it weren't so childish I would be offended. But coming from a couple of pot heads whos whole life is MARIJUANA - I could care less. I find the whole thing humourous as I know how immature it all is.

So to get back at them,... I have stayed away. i dont step foot outside or near that gazebo. Becasue who would go out there knowing they are waiting to ambush me? How stupid do they think I am to fall for that??? Rumour has it they want to 'get me arrested' by poking me to lose it so they can call the police and of course the police are going to believe 3 people over me,... so I probobly would be arrested. IF I WAS TO FALL FOR THIS  diabolical and evil plan. 

So the joke is on them,... as I will not give them their showdown. I am not hiding becasue I am afraid,... i am hiding so I dont walk right into their plan.

I do  not like these people and want no interaction with them at all. Why would I invite trouble when I will be in paradise this time next week,....

jokes on you Kelly and Mark and Darren,... they have been hanging out in that gazebo - rain or shine - all day long - waiting for me and this showdown,... lol 

I am not stupid enough to fall for it.

Have a nice life kelly - while I sip coffee in a chair by the river every morning - you will still be here. And THAT is what gives me comfort.

i dont do drama. I walk away. Leaving them frustratged and angry they didn't get what they wanted.

And THIS is exactly why I am leaving,... becasue the people here are nsty,... toxic,.... and just down right mean. So bored they ruin others lives for their own entertainment. While they are doing this? I will be in BC enjoying my new life.

And this place and these people will all be behind me never to have to be thought of again.

So who wins Kelly????? Who won in the end,.... you controlled me for a few  months but then I got out and won,....

FUCK YOU Kelly and Mark and Darren,....

Fuck all three of you

My last blog entry

 I was going to write about my usual shit ~ and shit has happened over the past few days. But I am not going to. Since I knew for certain that I was moving to BC, my mindset has been changing. I am finding myself lighter,... hopeful,... optomistic,... happy even. I haven't been able to say I am happy in years and years and years,....

So even though shit hit the fan here - just the normal gazebo crowd throwing their weight around - I let it go. Not at first. I couldnt as they got me so upset my blood pressure rose to a dangerous high and two days in a row I had to call an ambulance. If I wasn't moving, these past few days would have done me in. But when the dust settled and i realized I was still here, I smiled. Because I know I am getting out. These people in the gazebo can ramp up their nonsense all they want to. I honestly just don't care about them. I already live in BC in my mind. 

So instead of holding on to the past nonsense I have let it all go,... I mean really let it all go. When i see those 3 idiots 'guarding' the gazebo - daring me to try and come in,... I just smile. Petty,... silly nonsense. And it doens't hurt anymore as I know that I will never have to face those people ever again. Kelly,... Darren and mark,.... you all deserve each other and I am now gone. Good luck in living in Gods waiting room for the rest of your lives,...

Me? I am packed and counting down the days,... hours,.... until that cab picks me up and takes me away from this 'compound' of hate and nasty bored folk who hurt others to entertain themselves.

I will miss a handful of ladies though. Debra, Lyn, Sandra,... like me they hate living here too but manage to stay in their units to avoid trouble. (Being a smoker i was forced to 'enter' it every day). I have invited them to fly out to BC for vacation someday and I honestly do hope they take me up on that. But somehow life tends to get in the way. (and sadly poverty). But I do hope someday they can.

And i think i need to put this blog to bed now. It served it's purpose as  my sounding board,... my shoulder to cry on and my place to bang out my frustration and anger. Living in the system has been a challenge and this blog has helped me 'dump' my feelings into it everyday so i can feel lighter afterwards.

So i started a new blog. And this one will be of  my new adventure. I know it wont be perfect and I'm sure new problems will arise in the future. No life is perfect. But just getting away from the oppressive atmosphere here has given me the energy to want to live now. Enjoy life now. 

So blog,... thank you for being here but I am putting a "the end" here.

I need to step over to my new and fresh life in BC.

What is wrong with this woman?

 On top of my heart issues, I am having to deal with this woman here ~ Kelly. I have no idea who she is. Don't know anything about her except she moved here about 6 months ago and has been an annoying karen to me since. 

I dont want to be around her,... I get up and leave when I see her coming,... I avoid her at all costs,... yet she is spoiling to get into it with me. WHY????? She has become friends with my two enemies Darren Green and Mark and now she thinks she has the right ot stick her nose in and fight for them,... ummmm,.... dont care about Darren Green or Mark,... i dont care about this Kelly,... so why sont she leave me alone? 

Yesterday it came to a head as I was leving the gazebo she started filming me. So I fianlly just said "are you filming me?" which isn't normal for me as usually I just ignore her like she doesnn't even exist and walk right by her. But you could see she was spoiling for an altercation. Whethere she was actually filming me or now isn't even relevant as her actions wanted me to think she was filming me so she could get a rise out of me so she could fight,.... but after I said that I walked away - and she followed me ~ PROVING SHE IS THE INSTIGATOR AS I KEEP WALKING AWAY AND SHE FOLLOWS! It was a joke as she is following me she is saying "I dont like you so stay away from me and stop following me and leave me alone,..." She wanted everyone to HEAR that she was being followed and harrassed by me but I was the one walking away and she was one following me back into the building. And as I waited for the elevator she just sat there and berated me. "Your a crazy fucking bitch",... blah, blah,. blah,..... 

who the fuck is this woman???? I want nothing to do with her! I have less than 2 weeks left in this hellhole - and all I want is to get the hell out of here unscathed,.... but this woman is hell bent on a fight. WHY? Becasue she has made friends with my enemies and has instigated herself into the situation and thinks she has the right to attack me.

I dont care about kelly,.... I dont like her,... I dont want to be around her,... so I videoed that situation and took it to her caregiver, The caregiver told me Kelly has told them I am the one following her around harrassing her,.... waht a joke,... Everyone can see I get up and walk away every single time she comes out.

This is again childish head games I want no fucking part of. But this woman is a complete drama queen and willnot stop until she has her 'fight',... well I'm not giving ehr one. She can kiss my ass. I have two weeks left here and a heart condition to worry about. Kelly is the last thing on my mind right now and she needs to just go away and leave me alone. 

I am so stressed and unwell today,... I honestly think I am going to have a stroke today,....

the stress is just unbearable

I cant get help for fear of being forced into homewood

I am convinced I am going to have a heart attack or a stroke in the next few weeks. My symptoms have gotten worse. Now I go from bouts of high blood pressure to where it drops suddenly to the lowest numbers I have ever seen. I have felt weak,... shaky,... like I have had a glass of wine.

I know I am dying of heart disease.

Yet I begged this province for a physical from any doctor who would give me one ~ but no doctor would. Now I believe it's too late. I think my heart disease has advanced so much I have to worry whether I am even going to make it to BC in 10 days.

I finally got in at the walk in clinic yesterday, but I didn't even see the doctor. THIS is the result of Dr. Ray traumatizing me with her FORCED health care and throwing me in Homewood where I was traumatized. I am STILL afraid to seek medical attention for fear they will turn it around and make it mental illness and lock me up. It happens all the time. So as I was sitting in the that little room waiting for the doctor ~ I panicked. Just last month I had police banging on my door threatening to break it down if I didn't answer it ~ all because my blood pressure was high (which was normal for me and wasn't different than any other day! I know my body!!!) So for them to FORCE me to get medical attention really scared me. I really felt like I had lost my right to freedom. To choose,... and as I sat in that room waiting,... and waiting,... and waiting,.... my mind just woudn't go from that cop banging on my door threatening to break it down. Not becasue I did anything wrong - but becasue they thought they knew best about my health care and were FORCING me to get some. 

So as I sat there all I could think of was the doctor was going to come in and say you HAVE to go to emergency and I did not want to do that. I resent Ontario's health industry and I dont' think they have taken any care of me at all and I don't trust them. When you bring COPS into health care - of course it's going to be traumatizing,.... of course I am going to be terrified,....

So after half an hour of waitng inside that tiny room ~ i panicked and got up and left without even seeing the doctor. I couldnt' risk them forcing me to go to emergency and then something happening to prevent me from boarding that plane to BC. I dont' trust that they will not use force to prevent me from boarding that plane,.... my past experience shows me they have the control and the power to do it ~ and I have no say,... so I panicked and ran.

No health care for me

Thank you Dr. Ray for traumatizing me so much with your 'care' that I run from health care now,.... 

Today I feel awful. I woke up at four in the morning with a headache. A low grade all over my head headache. I took my blood pressure and it was very low. That is not good for me.

But I am too terrified to go get help,.....

So I think I am going to have a heart attack or a stroke in the next week or two,... yet I am too terrified from Dr. Ray to go get help.

I finally find my break in life and am escaping this hellhole of Ontario Housing and I will probobly die of a heart attack before I even get to go,....

When you have cops banging on your door saying they will "BREAK IT DOWN" if you dont' answer it and you didn't even do anything wrong but have high blood pressure - you dont seek medical help after that,...

When is this community going to understand they dont help with their aggresive care - they just terrify us into hiding when we need the help the most.

I am dying ~ I can feel it.

But I am too terrified of being 'locked up' that I can't get help!