Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm sad

I am really sad today. The aching heart,... on the verge of tears,... just want to sob my little heart out sad,...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Nov 29th ~ It's here

It has arrived. November 29th ~ The anniversary of my twin baby boys birth way back in 1989. They were born premature. Air-lifted by ambulance to a hospital in Toronto. The died that same week. They would have been 21 this year. I know its a long, long time ago. But it's still a hard day for me. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Planning a funeral only weeks before Christmas. No one should have to be buying caskets and grave plots while everyone else is buying Christmas gifts. Cruel,...
I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and urges and I have always said that if I'm going to finally do it, It will be on November 29th. It's already a terrible day. And here it is. And yes, I am still suicidal.
I also got my heart broken when I saw my daughters Facebook page today. She is doing that "30 pictures of,..." thing where they say "Day 1,.. someone you love,... Day 2,... your favorite pet,..etc,..." and you post a pic of your answer. Two weeks ago it was "something that you will never forget" and she posted a pic of an ambulance (no explanation to go with it) but I know it refers to me Overdosing in 2008 while she lived with me. i don't know what I was thinking. obviously I wasn't thinking because she came home from work and found me unconscious and called an ambulance. (I nearly died but pulled through and then spent a month in hospital) How I could have done that to her I don't know. I was obviously very sick. But seeing that pic on her profile drove home just how much it had effected her. traumatized her probably. That's something I can never forgive myself for. Never. (she was only 17 at the time and still in high school)
And then today,... the picture was of "Something you cherish and are thankful for" and she posted a pic of her Dad, step-mom and sister. with the caption "I couldn't live without my family" ~ ouch! stab to the heart,... I just realized that she thinks her family is her Dad, step-mom and sister and I'm not. I am NOT considered family to her. I just broke down crying. Ended up sobbing uncontrollably. My daughters are the only thing I have left in my life right now and to suddenly realize that I'm not as important to them as I thought really, really hurt. It broke my heart that she put her step-mom in their (who she hated for years) and I wasn't even mentioned. I just became a heap on the floor.  My baby girls do not think of me as family,... devastating. I can't lie,... I just wanted to run to my 'drug box' and swallow as many pills as I could and just die. But I didn't. I'm still devastated,... but I didn't take any pills.
I'm thinking that M******* probably has no idea how much she upset me with that. She probably hasn't thought twice about it. And I'm clinging to the hope that she does still consider me her family. (I'm her MOM,... her MOM!!!!) So, for my own sake I am going to believe that she didn't mean to hurt me. That she just didn't think I would even notice or care (But I do!!! ~ sob ~ I do care,...) That is the only way I am going to make it through today. because if I thought for one minute my daughters didn't love me and think of me as family I would be gone,.... those pills would be gone - down my throat - in an instant. So I choose to believe they do love me.
What I want to do to get through this horrible day is to just go back to bed and sleep it away. But I just had a marathon sleep. As previously posted I have been having problems with the seroquel I take as it makes me stoned so bad I sleep all the time. Yesterday I went to sleep at 1:00 pm in the afternoon and I didn't wake up until 9:00 the next morning. That's 20 hours. TWENTY hours!!!! Now I'm not tired so I will have to stay up and endure this day. 
God, my heart is broken right now,.... 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Lost & Empty

I am feeling so lost and empty right now. I mean I don't want to do a thing. Usually in my normal deep depression I still manage to twitter/blog & facebook and watch a bit of TV. My one pass time has always been Frontierville on Facebook. It's a mind-numbing ~ no brainer thing to do to pass the time. I don't have to make decisions or think in anyway at all. I just take my mouse and click, click, click,... Feed the animals,... harvest the crops,... collect your bonuses from all the stupid buildings you've accumulated over the past 6 months of playing this silly game. My daughter got me hooked when she visit over the summer. At first it was a cute way to feel connected to her once she left to go back to live with her Dad. We could visit each others "Homesteads", send each other "gifts" -- It was kind of fun. But I got hooked. I even set up a separate Facebook account so I could have "two" Frontierville games. Then, my daughter didn't want to play anymore so asked me to take over her account. So now I am playing 'three' accounts. But it passed the time and kept me distracted enough to just exist in my life rather than deal with the many problems I should be tackling but aren't. (mostly $$$$ problems) Besides I really was just too damn depressed to be capable of doing anything else. It really has been a BAD two years for me. Dark, dark, dark,.... Frontierville let in a wee slit of light that I grabbed on to. It was one of the last things I did that kept me connected to "the outside world".
But over the past few days I have just found it monotonous and annoying. I would open up the game and then just sit looking at it blankly. Ughh,... what am I doing? Suddenly, out of nowhere - absolutely no interest in this game what-so-ever anymore. In fact, over the past few days I have absolutely no interest in anything anymore. I open Facebook to check out what everyone is up to. I open twitter to do the same. And I blog to try and hold on to my sanity by letting out all my fears and frustrations that stem from this mental illness, in the only release I have available. My blog.
But for a lot of this week I haven't even had any interest in that. Today I have not even managed to turn the TV on. Or the radio. I have skimmed my Internet sites and then turned off the computer. All this week I pretty much ended up getting up out of bed everyday only to be so depressed I got right back into it again. Into my horrible "Black Fog" - I'm so lost. And empty. But most of all I'm sad and I'm very, very lonely and alone.

Friday, November 26, 2010

cutting again

I cut again. I just feel this need to be destructive. To hurt myself. Make myself hurt ~ feel pain. I want to feel pain because right now I feel so empty and hopeless and useless and fat and ugly. I didn't cut much. Just "hate" on my thigh. But it felt good to punish myself for being so fat and ugly

Struggling a bit today

My depression has gotten worse instead of better over the past few months. I’m really quite sick again. I have to ask myself  “why me?”. Why did I have to be born with the ‘mental illness gene’ while others are born to live happy joyful lives.
I think that whenever someone is born, God puts a brilliant light inside of them. It gives them strength and Joy. The bigger the light, the better that person is. But I think that when I was born, God forgot to give me this special light. So I never truly feel happiness or joy. It’s a heavy burden to me as I know it makes me different. And throughout my whole life I have been searching for my missing light. I never found it. I only felt true joy on the days that I gave birth to all of my babies. But even they were eventually taken from me. Maybe I just don’t deserve children. Maybe people born without “the light” are bad people who just don’t deserve to be happy. I get sad when I think about that. All I ever wanted in life was to be “normal”. To have a happy, healthy and productive life. Why didn’t God let me be like that? Why didn’t he give me that light????
Instead, I’ve had to live with  ”The Black Fog”.  That’s what I have always called this dark depression of mine.   “The Black Fog”.   It’s almost always there lingering inside of me. Around me. Someday’s it’s thicker and darker than other days, but it’s always there to some degree. Always there. It robs me of ever being normal and happy and leading a joyful life. It’s exhausting. It’s like a terminal punishment.
This week  has been one of the darker times I’ve had in a while. I desperately need to get some stuff done around the apartment. It needs a good clean and tidy not to mention a load or two of  laundry. But I’m so depressed I can’t even get up off the couch. In the end, nothing is getting done at all. The past 3 or 4 days I have spent about 70% of my time sleeping. That ever-present “drugged to the hilt”  feeling has kept me from doing anything but sleep or sit on the couch watching TV. I have no interest in anything. The feeling of sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. I am completely paralyzed right now. I have also started bingeing which I shouldn't because its hard to when your food is limited coming from the food bank. And last night I cut again. Not much,… but enough to show me that I’m feeling so much pain and stress right now I don’t know how to cope with it all. But, I did stop right away. And instead of making me feel better like it used to,… It just made me feel worse. So as you can see,… things aren’t really that great right now. I think the devastation of realizing I don’t have and never will have the money to move closer to Michelle and Hayley in April as I had planned  really hit me hard. I kept telling myself if I can just hold on until I move closer to the girls things will be so much better. I would be much happier having the two of them back in my life again. And once that happened, maybe I would start to get better mentally. But now that wish is gone. I am stuck here 300km away and probably will be for many years to come. I’m taking that hard.
And of course, I’m not dealing with the coming holiday season very well either. Reminders everywhere,…. Christmas,… Family,… Joy,… Friends,….. Sometimes I feel like throwing the damn TV out the window. I now have a small idea of what it must be like for all the non-Christians of the world. They must get sick of all the Christmas hoopla too. It’s everywhere – all the time – relentless. I’ll bet they can’t wait till January either!!!  I know I can’t. I wished I could just go to bed, close my eyes and not wake up until January 2nd 2011!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm just so conflicted,....

Yes, I know it's not about the computer. It's about my life being shit right now. The computer is just adding to it all.
I want to give up.
But I see my daughters faces.
So, I fight on,... But sometimes its just so hard and I can't find what it takes to be strong,.... I'm walking a fine line between "I can't give up for my girls",... and,... "But I just can't go on",.....
I'm taking it minute by minute right now

Feeling very fragile and defeated

I am feeling quite defeated today. If you'll remember, I spent $335.00 of money I didn't have (credit card!) to fix my computer. Yesterday, It crashed again and now doesn't work. To make a long story short,... The people who fixed it are not being helpful at all and it looks like I may be Shit out of Luck and have no computer. The reason I feel so defeated is that this type of stuff happens to me all the time. Nothing is ever simple for me. Even the little things in life get blown into big things and I lose out - get taken advantage of - Have the worst bad luck - I don't know what it is but I always seem to get the shit end of the stick. Normally I would be pissed off. And yesterday I was. But today, after waking up in the middle of the night again, I have woken up feeling completely fragile,... drained,... defeated,... hopeless,.... My computer means the world to me - literally! It is my lifeline to the outside world. Without it I am completely lost. So i sit here this morning thinking Fuck it,... If they can't fix it (without me paying even more which is what they are saying,... I DO NOT have any more money for them or anyone,...) then I give up. I don't have any more fight in me. I just give up. This will be the last straw. I sit here crying right now because I've given up. I will hold off and see what this computer repair company says but if they can't help me and my computer is no more,......
I just don't know what will happen then.
Fingers crossed everyone,... please don't let this world take away the only thing I have that helps me,.... my computer,....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I pulled a Britney

Monday morning I "pulled a Britney" meaning I cut off all my hair. Because of my financial state I haven't been able to afford the simplest of luxuries and one of those luxuries is a haircut. It's been well over a year since I've had it cut so It was all the way down to my waist. But it looked awful because it had no style or shape to it. It was just a long, curly, frizzy out of control mess. So Monday I marched, credit card in hand, to the local super Clips (cheap-o hair salon) and told the girl to cut it all off. She did. And now its chin length. I looked in the mirror and it was a shock. My hair hasn't been this short in over 10 years. But, even though it's going to take a while to get used to it looking like this, It hasn't taken me long to get used to caring for it. Now it's great. I just ran a brush through it and walked away. Such a relief.

But while my new hair is a good thing,... taking Seroquel once again isn't,.... I am getting worse and worse with each passing day on it. I feel completely drunk all the time. I stumble around my apartment. I have marks and bruises all over me because I'm constantly knocking into walls and furniture. And it makes me sleep all the time. I went to bed at around 5:00pm (dinnertime) Monday night and I didn't wake up until 8:00pm Tuesday night.  That means I slept for  27 hours!!! Ridiculous! I can't get stuff done anymore because I'm either passed out or so lethargic I can't move.  My Mom is in the hospital right now in a hospital 300km away. It's too far to visit but I should phone. Problem is, I'm always asleep during the respectable hours for phoning anyone. I'm only awake late nights to early mornings. She must be upset she hasn't heard from me. But what do I tell her? Um,... I haven't called you because I've been sleeping,.... That's pathetic. I mean really pathetic. I'm a terrible daughter. I'm a terrible mother for that matter too. I'm a terrible sister and niece and friend. It's why I'm alone and have no one anymore. I'm such a loser.

The anger of the past few days seems to have left me. (as well as the violent thoughts thank God - they were scary) But that just means I'm back to feeling so depressed I can't move. I feel so hopeless. So useless. So empty. There doesn't seem to be any purpose to my being alive so I'm constantly wondering why I am. The holidays coming up has just made things so much worse. I won't be seeing my family this year. My car isn't up to the long drive right now. It hasn't had an oil change in over 7 months plus theres some other stuff that needs fixing to make it road-safe. But even if it were theres no where to go this year. mom sold the family home to move into her retirement home so I have no where to bring the girls to have Christmas anyway. So I'm quite disappointed about that. Now I just want this whole holiday season to just disappear. It hurts too much to deal with it. I can see a lot of tears in the next few weeks. I'm just so fucking sad about everything.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Feeling angry

I don't know why other than I am feeling so fed up with my life, but I am really angry today.
And because of this I'm finding myself reverting to something I haven't done in a long time. I want to cut. But not in a nice slow, savoring way,.... I want to be violent and really cut myself. Like take my scalpel (that I stole from my last job in a medical clinic) and just hack at myself until I really hurt and really bleed.
And I'm noticing that my suicidal thoughts are turning violent too. normally I am an "Overdose with pills" girl. Trying to OD about half a dozen times in the past 10 years. But each time proved futile and I always woke up in the hospital with more of my life ruined because of it. Obviously the OD'ing on drugs isn't working for me. And lately I've been fantasizing about not only taking the drugs, but adding something more final to it. Like jumping off my 6th floor balcony after taking too many pills (so I would be too drugged to feel it hurt). But this is a quiet building with a lot of seniors in it so I worry about it causing too much trauma to the people who live here for them to see something awful like that. So then I went to jumping off a bridge we have here in town that is about the same height so no doubt would be fatal. Or hanging myself (but what do you tie the damn rope too that's strong enough to hold you?) or the worst and most violent way of taking a load of pills so I am so drugged I won't feel the pain and then stabbing myself in the stomach with a huge sharp knife.
WHY am I thinking these thoughts????? What changed that made me go from peaceful drug overdose to violent, horrible ways of committing suicide??? Is this a temporary thing? Will I wake up tomorrow feeling calmer and not so angry and then stop thinking of violence in any form to myself? I am not a violent person at all normally. I've never, nor would I ever, hurt another human being. But suddenly hurting myself has become all consuming in my thoughts. Is it the anger? Is it being back on meds? (although I was on them for 2 years previously and didn't think these thoughts) or am I truly just fed up with life and just at the end of my rope in dealing with it and just want to get it over with?????  All of this is rather scary. For the moment, I am rational. I know exactly what I'm doing and thinking and therefore won't act on these thoughts. But, will there come a time when I won't be rational and I will act on these thoughts???
God, I hate this depression. And my life. And myself. I just wished I would vaporize into a non-existent mist and never have to feel this hopeless and worthless ever again.

**** Please don't be worried over this entry ~ I am just being truthful about what I'm thinking. I would never carry through on these thoughts. I am NOT going to commit suicide ****

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pissed off today

I have been awake all night again. My sleeping issues becoming somewhat of a tedious problem to me now. So, having been awake all night I feel rather 'ratty' and exhausted to begin with. But another feeling I have today is that I am pissed off. Not at any one thing in particular - just my whole life in general. I'm so tired of it all. For the past year I have been a depressed mess. But today, for some reason, I'm an angry, depressed mess. EVERYTHING is irritating me. I think I am finally at the point where I am just fed up of my life. I'm fed up of being such a fucked up mess that I cant even hold down a job to support myself. I'm fed up of not even being able to go into a grocery store and choose the foods that I want to eat. Right now I'm using the food bank and even though I'm grateful (really - I really AM grateful) I am just so sick of boxed or canned food. What I wouldn't do for meat or fresh fruit and veg. I'm also fed up that I don't have enough money coming in to cover the cost of existing so I go deeper into debt each passing month just to pay my necessities. I didn't ask to need feminine napkins or toothpaste or soap or shampoo. I certainly don't get a kick out of buying them. There necessities. I'm fed up of living 300 km away from my daughters and not having the money to move closer. I'm fed up of always feeling so depressed. I'm fed up of living my life inside these four walls of my apartment for days and days on end without ever going outside. I'm fed up of being mentally ill. I'm fed up of society punishing me for being mentally ill. I'm just fed up of living altogether. No one should have to live a life of depression, poverty, misery and loneliness. And so, I'm just pissed off in general. I am so sick of myself.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bad time of year

November & December have always been a bad time of year for me. (As I've been reading it is for millions of other too,...)
November 29th is the birthday of my twin sons I had in 1989. They were born premature and sadly they only lived within a month of their birth. Both dying on separate days right during the holiday build up. I had to plan a double funeral the week before Christmas. On Christmas morning there were gifts under the tree for them. Neither me or my (ex) husband had the heart to remove them until we took the tree down. I was 26 yrs old and it had taken me 8 years to get pregnant with them so it was a devastating loss. (Luckily I fell pregnant soon after and in the end had 2 lovely daughters who are alive and well and beautiful)
Then of course theres Christmas. And this year especially will be a bad one. My 82 yr old Mom just sold the family home and moved into a retirement home. (My father passed away 7 years ago) This is a problem for me. My ex-husband has custody of my daughters. The eldest (20) is actually away at college, but the youngest (16) lives with her Dad and step-mom 300km away from me. In the past, I always picked the girls up and we then spent a few days at my Moms house celebrating Christmas. But now that Mom sold the house, I have nowhere to bring the girls for the holidays. They both have jobs so they don't get enough time off from work for me to pick them up (3 and a half hour drive) drive them back to my apartment here in St. Thomas (another 3 and a half hour drive) just for them to be here for a couple of days and then have to do all that driving once again to bring them home. So with nowhere to go with them I just won't be seeing my daughters this holiday. Devastating!
Also, I have really fallen on hard times this past year and I honestly don't have a penny to spend on holidays. So, if I'm not seeing my girls anyway, I have decided to just basically cancel Christmas this year. I just can't face it alone but that's the way it will be,... me,... alone,... again,... (I spent the last two years alone on Christmas day having celebrated with my girls a few weeks prior to the actual day) And let me tell you,... It's brutal. Everything is closed. The roads are nearly empty. There is just this 'desolation' about the whole day when you go outside. So quiet. The TV is full of Christmas related programing, the radio plays Christmas music,... Theres just no escaping what day it is. So to be alone for the whole day is heart-breaking. Last year I took a few sleeping pills (ok quite a few) the night before so I could purposely sleep most of the day away. It was just a tiny bit easier.
So I am NOT looking forward to December at all. I now know why the suicide rate sky-rockets this time of year. It's just so damn depressing when your alone. I wished I could just take sleeping pills all the time and just sleep through the whole damn month.
Then December 28th is my anniversary. or it would have been (our 25th too!)  if I was still married. My husband left me (because of my illness) on January 1st 2000. Happy Fucking Millennium to me. He totally broke my heart. I ended up having 4 Overdose attempts in that year alone. He had taken my daughters and I was left with no marriage, no kids, and we sold the house so nowhere to live. Ended up in my Moms basement but after my last OD she said she couldn't take it anymore and had me leave. So I lost my family too. It was 5 years before my Mom and I even spoke again. I didn't see her, my daughters, or my brother or anyone for 5 years!!! So that was very traumatic for me. It really was a horrible, devastating time. So I spent a LOT of holidays alone.
So, here we are, gearing up into the months of hell I just can't seem to cope with. Starting November 29th and ending January 1st. It's nothing but a reminder of what a huge fuck up - failure I am. I fight suidical urges hourly. And this year seems to be even worse because of the poverty I've fallen in. Using the food bank,... what kind of Christmas dinner can I look forward to? Beans on toast (again, and again and again,...so sick of beans!!) No, I am so not looking forward to any of whats to come.
I hate myself,... I hate my life,.... and I especially hate Christmas. I used to be a regular Church going christian and Christmas meant something to me. Now, with everything that's happened in my life I am pretty pissed off at God and even wonder if there is one. So Christmas doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. It's just another day to do whatever I can to get it done and over with as soon as possible.
It's going to be just awful.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I have been binging all evening. I hate myself. And I cut for the first time in about a year. I used to work in a medical clinic and I stole a scalpel that I keep in my room. I don't use it often, maybe once a year or so, but when I do it's sharp and leaves nasty cuts behind. Last year I carved my daughters names into my thighs and believe it or not if you look close enough you can still see the scars. Tonight wasn't too bad. Just a few on my thighs. But it does show I'm in so much pain right now I just don't know how to cope with it. It is totally over-whelming me. Binging & cutting are ways to distract me from the emotional pain I guess. But it didn't work. I still feel utterly hopeless and so deep into this depression I just don't care if I ever get better.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I cry as I write this

I'm so fucking low right now. I was holding on by a thread to get to my Nov 8th app't with my P-Doc so I could get back on meds so I could finally start feeling better from this dark, dark, black fog depression. But its not working. Not only am I still so depressed I'm fighting suicidal thoughts and urges, Now I'm completely stoned out of my head on top of it all.
I stopped going to the program I was so excited about. Couldn't afford the gas or the $7.00 a day parking. I also just can't stay awake long enough to go anywhere or do anything. I am also so stoned I don't feel safe driving anymore.
So my hopes for a better life have been crushed. This was the last stop. Back on meds,... It has failed. I feel like shit.
I don't want to be here anymore. Life is just too fucking hard anymore. No money, going deeper and deeeper into debt each passing month, can't even afford food so have to use the food bank,... can't afford to move,... (1st & last months rent plus the cost of moving company) No way I can work being this fucked up. No friends,... family could care less and never call. I spend my days alone. Day after day after fucking day,... alone,....I never leave my apartment. I never see anyone.  I'm going insane.
This is just a slow, torturous death,.... when will it finally be over????????

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Being back on meds,....

I've only been back on my meds for 4 days now and already I am totally stoned. NUMB,.... and stoned. Can't keep my eyelids open. Stumbling around my apartment stoned,.... Arghhhh,.... Is this it for my life??
No meds and I'm so severely depressed I want to die or being on meds and so stoned I have no life,....

Monday, November 8, 2010

Well, I finally had my long-awaited appointment with my Psychiatrist today. I have been quite unwell the past few months. Oh alright,…a lot unwell. So where do I even begin?
The first thing he decided is that I definitely need to be back on medication. No surprises there then. I have just plummet hard into this dark and soul-less place ever since I stopped taking my meds. I was so worried about my liver and being so stoned all the time that I just felt it was better to be ‘clean’ of all medication in my body. But he quickly reminded me that severe depression can be life threatening and the freedom of being off of meds is no good to me what-so-ever if I’m not actually alive to enjoy that feeling of being “stoned-free”  (ok, not a real word but you get the picture). So, It’s back on the Seroquel. 50mg for the first 4 days,… 120mg for the next four days,… 200mg the following 4 days and so on until I reach a maximum of 400mg a day. I’m still a bit reluctant of going back on Seroquel because it really does make me completely, unfunctionable, can’t keep my eye-lids open, stagger around my apartment -  stoned! But, at almost half the dose of my past amount (700) I’m going to be optimistic and try it.
The second thing he decided is that I need to be in hospital. I pretty much new that myself  but unfortunately it really isn’t an option for me because I have no one here to look after things for me. I have Maggie-May (my cat) to look after, my bills to be looked after, my rent to be paid, my cheques to be deposited,etc,… you know, the everyday stuff that just needs to be done and wouldn’t have if I had to spend many weeks in hospital. I don’t have any family close to me so they can’t help and really there’s only J*** & S***** that I’m friends with here in St. Thomas but I don’t know them well enough to be asking them to do all that, so really,… going into hospital just isn’t an option.
So we compromised.
He has got me to start going to a couple of classes/programs that are run here at the Psych hospital.  One is a depression support group once a week. Not overly exciting but I suppose it will help. The other program is much more detailed and delves much deeper into things. I’m not entirely sure exactly what it is really. But it sounds like a womans group that helps with self esteem issues and dealing with the bad things we do because of the way we hate ourselves. (like binging, starving, cutting etc,…) This one seems the most promising for actually doing some work on myself. I think he said its every day for 9 weeks or something. It will mean having to get up every morning, shower and (gasp!) put on make-up! It will mean a commitment to showing up everyday. My Doctor has said if he hears I am not going consistently (meaning EVERY DAY) then he will arrange to put me IN the hospital which I cannot let happen. So I will have to force myself to go. The two hour orientation is Wednesday so I will learn a lot more about it then.
On the one hand, I’m kind of relieved as I know I am really unwell and I know I needed some serious help. I know that this is a good thing for me and it will help me in getting better. But on the other hand, I’m dreading it. One of the problems I’m having right now is I can’t seem to integrate and be around people. I have isolate myself into this little cocoon of my apartment and I don’t come out unless it’s absolutely necessary. I have a difficult time interacting with people at the moment so I just keep myself to myself and stay alone. It’s where I feel safe right now. Being “out there” in society terrifies me. Too much noise. Too much stimulation. Too much of everything that I can’t seem to cope with right now. It’s honestly going to be quite scary to have to ‘get back out there’. I was hoping that I would have been able to do it at my own pace. Baby steps. But apparently not. So this,… this just terrifies me.
But over the past few months, things have hit a crisis point. At least this time I was able to get to my Doctor and explain everything and ask for the help. I’ve never really ‘asked’ for help when I’ve needed it before. (we won’t get into what I did do instead,…not good) My Doctor reminded me that being pro-active in wanting myself to recover is a big step. And this time, I took the step ‘forward’ - not backward (destructive) so I guess that proves there’s hope inside me yet. It’s just a matter of digging deep to find what it is I need to do in order to get better.
I know the money problems will still be a huge issue. But, I can’t cope with a lot at the moment so I’m going to have to just ignore all that and concentrate just on this program and getting well. I realize I will need to put the gas for my car everyday on my credit card. I know I will still have to rely on the food bank. But I think if I just take one issue at a time it won’t be so over-whelming to me. Debt is debt and it will always be there,… whether I do the program or not the problem with money will remain the same regardless so I may as well just forge ahead and put everything I’ve got into beating this horrible disease of mental illness and getting to a better place where hopefully I can even get back to working once again. (although my doctor has told me not to count on that until at least the spring) But that’s ok I guess. It’s a goal.
So that is where things stand at the moment. I dare not think too far ahead so from here on in it will be day-to-day. I will try to write on here as often as I can but I know from past programs they leave me exhausted and drained emotionally at the end of each day so no promises. I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers.

I made it to Monday

My sleeping is horrible. The past few days,... slept for 17 hours - - then I was awake for 20 hours - - then I was asleep for 19 hours - - And now I've been awake for 10 hours. But I FINALLY have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow at 4:00pm. Thank God it's late in the afternoon because I am wide awake right now (at midnight) so I know I won't get to bed/sleep until early morning. 5 - 6 - or 7:00am even,.... I really hate this erratic sleeping issue I have. I don't understand why I'm like this. It's impossible to have a social life because I'm sleeping when most people are awake and vise versa,... I sleep so long sometimes I miss a whole day. I'm awake so long sometimes I get all buzzy (like I've had 23 cups of coffee in a row). I have been locked up in my apartment for days. I rarely go out unless I absolutely have to. Like for an appointment or getting food, etc,... I've become a recluse. I've had sleeping 'issues' for years and years and years so I don't hold out much hope that I'm ever going to change now. I'm 47 years old and this has been going on since I was a teenager. It was hell when I worked. Luckily when I still worked in the medical clinic I worked the 5:00pm to 2:00am shift so it was the closest thing to 'comfortable' for me. (I'm definitely a night owl - Can't handle morning at all!!) But the late hours we were open for walk-in appointments usually meant I got all the drug-seekers, etc,... so my shift was the worst patient-wise. (But I still loved it) I HATE, HATE, HATE this sleeping problem!!!!!!
But, after a few long weeks of suicidal thoughts & urges that I've been fighting like mad, I have made it to my "November 8th" doctors app't. All month it's been like a mantra in my head. Just get to Nov. 8th,... Just get to Nov. 8th,... Just get to Nov. 8th,.... And finally it is here. I can now tell my Doctor that I need to get back on medication. I have never in my life knew with such a doubt that I can never live without medication again. It's horrible. I am so severely depressed. Fighting suicide is hour to hour. I still feel suicidal tonight but I have to tell myself that I've waited so long that I can wait another 14 hours. I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait to get back on medication!!!!! (I've been off meds since June except 100mg of seroquel every few days - I'm so erratic taking it)
So wish me luck everyone. Give me the strength to tell my doctor everything. Usually I go in and feel like I'm taking up too much of his time and never really tell him how bad things are. I have a terrible time with male Doctors. For some reason I can't tell them anything personal. But there are no female P-Docs at this hospital so I just have to take a deep breath and tell him.
I will hopefully blog again tomorrow after my app't and let you know how it went.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's like walking through syrop

God, I seem to be getting worse instead of better. The past few months It's like I've been walking blindly through syrup. I just can't get the smallest of tasks done anymore. If I managee a shower I'm having a good day. If I do the dishes,.. It's a goal accomplished!!! I mean really,... this is just down-right pathetic!
But, I will trudge through until my doctors app't on Monday. My P-Doc is going to be a bit surprised because I (and hopefully I will not chicken out) be telling him some TRUTHS! He has no clue I took myself off of the 700mg of Seroquel way back in June. I just stopped. I was so stoned I couldn't keep my eye-lids open and of course that meant I couldn't get out of bed. I actually slept 16-18 hours a day! But Doctors don't understand how horrible it is to lead your life when your so overly medicated you can't function. So I just did it. Then of course, I plummet downhill fast and landed in a cesspool of dark, paralyzing depression.
So, knowing I had done wrong by just stopping all meds I gradually started back on them but only 100mg a day (a teeny amount of my prescribed dose). And that is where I am right now.
But if you've been reading my blog you will know that it was discovered I have liver damage now. My Family Doctor discovered this during routine blood work before a minor surgery I had in September. So My P-Doc knows nothing about this right now. I will be giving him this cheery news on Monday when i see him. No one is saying how I got the liver damage but we all know its 30 years of medication. probably the last two of the high doses of Seroquel but no one wants to admit anything at this point.
So I'm in a position where I am really worried about taking anything now so I don't do anymore damage to my liver, but on the other hand, obviously I am NOT doing well on NO medication. Not doing well at all.
In fact I am now finding myself holding on by the skin of my teeth until Monday. I have been fighting very strong suicidal urges so I have been telling myself that if I can just hold on until Monday we can tell the Doc everything and hopefully start over again. If I can just hold on until Monday I can go back on meds. If I can just get back on meds I will start to feel better. At least theres some small ounce of logic tucked away in this tortured brain of mine. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be here to write this now.
But Oh the wait,... I just feel dreadful. I am full of self-loathing hating everything about myself. The depression is suffocating me. It's weird because on the one hand I feel totally empty - nothing,... sit on the couch for hours and hours - paralyzed,....   But on the other hand,... I'm so emotional. But not with good emotion. I cry constantly. I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I am enveloped with my "Black Fog". I am feeling very un-balanced right now.
I cling to my computer because even though I refuse to integrate into 'real life' (I am practically a full-fledged hermit) I long for human contact. Twitter & Face Book & Blogging are perfect for me. No commitment. Say what I have to say and then hide. I can read and follow and feel connected to all of you but don't have to integrate at all. It's safe. It makes me feel less lonely and alone but on my terms if that makes sense. I guess I need to know that even though I'm not out in that world, I still need to know its there,... and that its waiting for me when (and if) I finally start to come out of this horrible depression. My family and friends don't understand this at all. How could they possibly if they've never been clinically depressed. It's impossible to understand. That is why I treasure my computer and the virtual friends that don't ask questions,... They're just there,....
Anyway, writing this has exhausted me so I am done.
I just have to get to Monday,.... I just have to get to Monday,.... I just have to get to Monday,.....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When It Rains It Pours

I am so disappointed. I have been trying to find the money I will need to move when my lease is up here in March. (1st & last months rent & the cost of hiring movers) but despite trying everything I can think of nothing has panned out. I don't have the money to move. I will not be moving. I WILL NOT BE MOVING! I am devastated. I can't afford to stay in this apartment anymore as its gotten too expensive. And I'm three and a half hours away from my daughters and two hours drive away from my Mom,... I wanted so much to move close to them so I could start seeing them more. I hardly get to see them at all right now and when I do I have these marathon drives that exhaust me for days after I return. I'm devastated.
I won't get into all the money problems I'm having except to say they are getting really grim and I am starting to panic because I have no idea what to do or where to turn to get by anymore. I'm scared. I've never been in this much financial trouble before. Using the food bank, cancelling a lot of my services,... blah, blah, blah,..
And I am worried about my mental health right now. I have been off of all medication since June and I plummet into this dark and severe depression that I'm having a hard time coping with. I mean I am paralyzed. I am not functioning at all. It's getting beyond what I've ever faced before. I see my psychiatrist on Nov 8th ( 7 days) so I'm hoping to get on meds then. But I'm not sure what to do until then.
As you may have read in my last post I have been fighting suicidal thoughts. I thought of going to the ER and checking myself into hospital but I don't know anyone here in town and I have a cat I can't leave alone for more than 3 days and you know what its like once they've got you in the hospital.... It's up to THEM when your well enough to leave and my poor cat would be dead of starvation by that time.
So I sit here in my apt and wait. I try and stay on the computer so I can at least connect with my twitter/blog friends who even though they can't help they do get me through with staying in touch. (I'm sure we all know what that's like - Thank God for this virtual community!)
I am so tired right now. I'm not sleeping. So my body is exhausted and I feel 'ratty'. (or Buzzy as I like to call it if anyone knows what I mean). I am rambling now but I'm so tired. And I'm a bipolar NOT on meds -LOL - OK, not so funny. In short, I am unravelling,....
So I am going to go to bed now and with any luck I will finally get some sleep. And then maybe I'll feel a lot better in the morning because of it.