SHAME on you Canada!!!

 Sunday morning. Off-grid youtube morning. I get to watch people live their dream while I plan to die,...

I am also doing what I do every single morning. I get on my laptop and research,... I scour the internet for an affordable place to live. I have not had any luck in all of Canada. 

I feel so defeated. So alone,...

What do I have to do to be seen? What do I have to do to get help finding housing????

What kind of country has no housing for someone who has $***,***.00 in the bank???  yet still ~ they say,.... that isn't enough?????? 

Well how much do you have to have that is enough??????????

I feel like I have tried absolutely everything,.... there just isn't any affordable housing in Canada.

What the fuck am I suppose to do? And to know that I have family that could help - but won't - because I am a monster that is just too hard to be around. (They say theres no stigma with mental illness??? Bullshit)

What the fuck am I suppose to do???????

We are not even HUMAN to Ontario housing

 I am so confused. Why can't anyone hear what it is I need?

I need housing. 

AFFORDABLE housing.

You don't go to a hairdresser to get your car oil changed,...

You don't send out a plumber to a fire,...

So why then,.... when I ask for houisng - are they sending out everything but the real help I need,.... HOUSING??????

I have had nothing but cops,... ambulances and threats of banging my door down if I dont open it and talk to them.

Thats not housing help - that is triggering harrassment

If you don't have housing - which obviously nowhere in Canada does,... (You find me housing with only a $1580 a month budget)

It's like they can't give me what I need - housing - so they blame me instead for being mad about it. They blame my behaviour at being resentful I will be homeless yet again,... I'm suppose to just shut up and take it quietly I guess,... lay down and give up. HELL NO! I will go down fighting every step of the way. All they have to do is give me an emergency transfer and it's all good - but they refuse. And now they are upset that I wont just take it lying down and I'm fighting to live. If I dont find housing - I DIE! So of course I am fighting to get out of this toxic building - so I can LIVE!!!! But they don't seem to care

I did not create this housing dilema - The Canadian government did. And now they are pretending they don't see us when we become homeless. We can't see you!!!!! If we can't see you we don't have to help you,.....

So why do I keep getting punished for yelling out NO!!!! I am angry there is no affordable housing yet I get punished for saying so,...

"SHUT UP poor people just shut up and be grateful for what you do have,... (abuse,... harrassemnt,... bullying,....???)

I don't need HERE 24/7 mental health help

WHY can't they understand that???? I need HOUSING!!!!!

WHY can't you give me an emergency transfer and all will be good.

But instead I get treated like a Karen,... like an annoyance,... just let her rant - she'll get over it. laugh laugh laugh

We are just monkeys in a zoo to Ontario Housing

But hey - if thats how we are treated then when I end my life you won't be bothered,.... because you never cared about anyone in this building. We are just worthless annoying poor people who are either mental, addicts or alcoholics and should just "shut up and be gratefull"

So fucking done with not being heard

I NEED HOUSING or I will end my life!!!!!!!!!

But all you do is hear suicide,.... 

theres never been help that I actually need. Just cops,... and harrassment,....

I fucking hate my life now. I have no worth,... no value,....

just shut up you stupid karen noone cares your being bullied or threatened,.... your just a stupid NOBODY!

drunks and meth mouths - I just can't escape this place

It's not even 9 o'clock in the morning and I have already had a run-in with another tenant. It seems to be getting worse. I don't normally go outside to the gazebo this early in the morning. I am not a smoker who needs to smoke all the time. I can go all day without smoking and it's not until my pain gets worse that I start thinking about weed. But the weather looked so nice I decided to pack up my walker with my stuff and head on out to the gazebo and have a quiet smoke - peace.

But - no peace. I go out there and Jen is out there half dressed - wearing a tiny tank top with no bra and her boobs literally hanging out. her shorts so short they were not apropriate. She is drunk. It is 8:30 in the morning,... She is holding a can of some alcoholic beverage and she is singing. She sees me and starts singing,... "weed! I wish I had weed,... can I have some weed,...?" grifter,... yesterday she asked me for food,... no money she said yet here she is drunk. She found money for alcohol,...

And yesterday I had to deal with meth mouth. I don't know his real name, but he is a meth head with no teeth, so I call him meth mouth. Mean? probobly,... but you don't have to sit with them everyday. He actually smokes his meth? crack? whatever it is he smokes right thhere in the gazebo. he thinks becasue he turned his body we can't see him do it,... ???? idiot. And then he goes into a verbal tyrade. Just will not stop talking nonsense. Noone understands him as he is high. But he wont shut up. So I just got up and left. It seems to be all I do out there lately - see the grifters and addicts and just leave. 

How the hell did I end up here??????

I am so unhappy,.... I just want the fuck out. ANY WAY I CAN,.....

I need HOUSING!

Affordable HOUSING!

But all anyone can do is refer me to mental health resources. WTF?

So this tells me that there IS NO HOUSING for me.

In absolute desperation I wrote this as my post on Facebook today:

When did we become so disaposable? I have been looking for housing for over 2 years. Not just in Ontario but anywhere in Canada that I can afford. I have come to the conclusion that there just isn't any. There is literally NO affordable housing for the poor in this country. So I have decided to end my life. I am too old and too disabled to live under a bridge. if my country has declined so bad it can't even house people anymore then I am not going to live homeless just becasue my country failed. I go to BC the first week of July to go through MAiDs to end my life. I have tried for two years!!!!!!!! But Canada wants me homeless. What kind of country leaves it's seniors to go homeless???? I am opoen to any help to find housing ~ but after 2 years of looking I just don't think there is any anymore,... I am so sad and disappointed that there is no place for me on this planet and noone in our government seems to care,.... guess I'll just deal my way then. If your poor, your invisable and disposable,... very very sad.

Guess what happened? Yup,... the dreaded "are you ok? Here is mental health numbers to contact?

So fucking fed up of people seeing I need help and then totalling moving on becasue "noone wants to get involved" so they push a button and I get "are you ok?"

No,... I am not ok. I need HOUSING

HOUSING

HOUSING

HOUSING

NOT mental health help

I am never getting housing,....

I am never getting help,....

And I fucking resent this country because of it

Fuck you all Canadian Govenment!!!

I give up there simply just isn't any housing

 I give up

I have been looking for housing for two years

there just isn't any

what the hell am I suppose to do

live under a bridge?

No thank you

Either this country gets its shit together and makes new affordable housing

Or I end it all

I am so fucking exhausted looking for housing

Canada doesn't want me so time to DIE!

I have totally given up finding a place to live. For two years now I have been trying to leave this building. But I think two years of looking is enough to tell me there is no place to rent in all of Canada in my budget.

I have been priced right out of living

So now, what do I do? I refuse to live here. Yesterday I went out to the gazebo. There were about 5 or 6 people out there. When I went out - they all left. They all got up and left,... all because of Darren Green. These people are new ~ people I barely even know. The only reason I am disliked is because Darren Green met them before I did and tarnished my reputation. Before they even got to know me - I was hated. That was the last time I get embarrassed like that again. It made me feel like I smelled. I walk up to the gazebo and noses wrinkle and everyone gets up and leaves. 

Now this is not a big deal if it happens only once in awhile. But I get this every time I leave my unit. Between Arseen, Tonya, Darren, Mark,... (just a few) they enjoy making my life a misery. I am their entertainment.

A person can only take this so much before they are severely effected mentally. How would you feel if everywhere you went people got up and left. I have never even met these people. They hate because they have been told to,....

Why am I hated so much? What did I do? I am so confused as to why I am such a hated unwanted soul. My family,... my old friends,... all gone. 

I am mentally ill monster that the world hates

And because of this my mental health has severely declined and now I am just out and out suicidal. All I want now is to die. I can't take one more 'here comes Jaacquie - time to leave" it's so hurtful. And after two years of it I refuse to let them effect me anymore.

But how to die? Hanging? Slice my corotid artery in my neck? Jump into the gorge? Wait until I get to BC and just take a fatal overdose?? Whatever method I use,...

I plan to be dead and buried by September never seeing my 63rd birthday.

I just can't take the hate anymore,....

I just can't take life anymore,.....

I am heartbroken that it is going to end this way,...

But whatever happens,... I just need to be dead.

And all because Ontario Housing refuses to help me get an emeerfency transfer out of here. All this could go away if only S**** M***** just took her head out of the sand and SAW ME! HEARD me! Helped me,... but she didn't. Rules are not meant to be broken - even if I am being tormented. I have to be 'domestically violated' before they will help.

So S**** now I die and YOU could have saved me,.... sleep on that 

I fucking hate my life,...

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

I fucking hate my life,... 

This video has INFURIATED me ~ I just want to give up now. Canada is NEVER going to take care of it's own

THIS is exactly what is wrong with Canada right now. I came across this video and it infuriated me. This is a conversation held in parliment which means it has to be 100% true. And according to this video, Immigrants - even convicted criminals - are being let into the country in record numbers. They are given health care,... housing,... 3 meals a day,... employment counselling,... they are put into shelters and hotels,... they are given MONEY!!!! Between the federal government and the provincial government the whole bill is on the taxpayer - Us - the natural Canadian. And it's not a small amount. In 2025 The federal gov. contributed 29.8 Million and 3.2 million from the regional government. That is 33 million dollars that Us ~ the natural Canadian ~ is on the hook for.

TAXPAYERS are paying 33 million to immigrants.

Canadians have been left pushed out - homeless and hungry not even getting half of what these immigrants are receiving ~ natural born and raised Canadians get pushed aside while immigrants take our resources. Just ask how the homeless feel when they see immigrants getting housed the first day they arrive,... The list of things given to immigrants is exactly what us CANADIANS need but are refused. For some reason it's ok for Canadians to be homeless and hungry but don't let that happen to the precious immigrants. Give them everything they need and more, more, more,... while us Canadians kill ourselves living in such poverty.

OPEN your eyes Canada ~ your government has given away what is rightfully ours!!!

After seeing this video I am feeling absolutely HOPELESS! This just proves that Canadians are not a priority in this country and we will never will be. 

I'm tired of living on the leftovers which isn't nearly enough. I'm tired of being invisable.

I hate what Canada has become. I am suffering becasue of it and so are thousands and thousands of natural Canadians not getting enough food and going homeless. Canada has sold our Country to the immigrants.

Immigrants get 3 times what I get and I was born and rasied here in Canada ~ I fucking give up!!!!

I was born and rasied in Ontario. I am now 62 and living off of $1580 a month. I have NO family doctor and ive in severe pain every single day. I am on ODSP and CPP and NDB. I worked as long as I could until I couldn't work anymore due to pain. I loved working and would work tomorrow if i was physically able. But I am not - and therefore Doug Ford and our governemnt has decided that the disabled are not worth looking after so they throw pennies are way ~ just enough to breath and not starve - but not be able to thrive. We just hope we survive. YET IMMIGRANTS get 3 times what we get before they even get off the plane,.... WHY AM I STRUGGLING???? Why does my government hate me???? I can't find housing and will be homeless in a few months. yet I just saw a youtube video of an immigrant - not working - but just bought a $40000 car for cash. HOW? Why do they get money and we don't???? WHY AM I SUFFERING when immigrants get what is rightfully CANADIAN resources for Canadians. I give up!!!!! Canada has collapsed and the lower class can no longer survive.

Canada you have disappointed me so badly I can't survive. You have priced me right out of living.

FUCK YOU Doug Ford and your fucking government that seems to hate natural Canadians and loves IMMIGRANTS!

what the hell does a Canadian have to do to survive now???? Let me know becasue I am going to be homeless,....

Wake up Canada ~ Your country is gone!

I can't take it anymore. And from what I am seeing in the media,... Noone else can either.

 It's nice to see that I am not the only one crashing out and losing it over the fact that my life has become nothing but sitting in God's waiting room hoping to die soon as I CANT AFFORD TO LIVE ANYMORE!!!!

But this is starting to get really scary. People in my country are not surviving. 

But here is my rant to Doug Ford,...

He is on  this video fuming that he is not allowed to  move a homeless encampment. Heres the irony Dougy,...

You fucking put them there and now you can't stand to look at them???????

Heres a thought society,... instead of wasting all the money on your GO station and have to 'relocate' the homeless to do it???? Then forget the GO station and use that money for HOUSING!!!!!! Now theres a thought,....

WHY is there ZERO affordable housing???? And your mishandling of Ontario has put them there.

YOU caused them to be homeless and now your upset they exist and they are hindering your precious little building. 

PRIORITIES have been lost on this government. HOmeless are not people anymore they are annoying fucks to get rid of,...

FUCK YOU DOUG FORD I hope someday you lose it all and YOU are on the side of the road in a tent someday. But your protected government ass won't ever allow that. But it's ok for you to make us live a crappy shitty hollow empty life,....

WAKE UP Canada! Your country is gone

To the gargoyles in this building this post is for you

Ok, I have to get this off of my chest,... no need to read,... just another rant,...

I have come back inside from having a smoke out in the gazebo and the rumours are running rampant about,.... me. WHY am I so interesting to the people in this building? Noone in this whole building knows what I am doing. 

One,... because I dont' even know what I am doing yet.

And two,.... IT'S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS what I am doing in my future.

It all started when I was selling my stuff. I was helping a pregnant woman who had just bought some shelves off of me. I was just helping her carry it down to her car. But of course the 'gargoyles' were right there. Now the woman who asked me this question is not a friend. Infact,... I don't like her because i found out she was the one who was secretly friends with Tonya. So I couldn't trust her and dumped her as a friend. Even though this woman knows I am pissed off at her, she still couldn't help herself being nosy and out and out asked me "Oh, are you moving?" to which I LIED back to her - "Yes, I am moving back to BC" and then left. Nothing had been decided yet so this was an out and out lie to see just how fast and far it would spread.

45 minutes

And everyone was asking me about moving to BC. And that is why I need to get the hell out of this building. You have zero privacy as they see and hear everything. If your not one of them,... then your a victim of their gossip and lies. I hate them all and I hate how immature and annoying living here is.

So now I know that it's Marion who is the gossip. I told her the lie and within 45 minutes everyone was talking abbout it. You can't trust ANYONE in this building. Which means you can never just chill and relax and chat with people. They seem to be "information seekers just wanting stuff to use against you" ????? Why? But this building is full of people like this. And it's infuriating. The ambulance are at your door? The whole building will know it. It's just exhausting having your private life be so 'attacked' I've dealt with it for 10 years now and I am done.

I wish these people would seriously look in the mirror and be honest with themselves. What is it about them that makes them so damn nosy and nasty? WHY do they need to have their nose in everyones business. They have done it for so long it's NORMAL around here.

Well not for me. It's not normal for me. These immature playground games and nonsense are just annoying and exhausting.

So Tonya? Marion? and all the rest of you gargoyles with big noses,... what I do with my life is MY business. You thinking you have the 'right to know' is just intrusive and entitled. Get a life,... get a hobby,... get distracted whatever way you need to but keep your fucking noses out of other peoples lives,... your so immature it's annoying.

The lower class can't survive now,... Canada is in ruins,....

The plan is put in motion

This place is killing me. The people in this building make my life a misery. Between bullying and bullshit I just can't take one more day.

Yesterday I decided to go out to the gazebo for the first time in awhile. There is a fairly new guy that was out there that I have seen once or twice but dont' really know who he is as he is from the Traverse side - not the Ontario Housing side. Anyway, he is in a wheelchair but I dont' know why and I never ask people about their private business. So I just started my usual pass the time chat. Weather is a bit crap,... that kind of thing. Next thing you know he pulls out a pipe and starts smoking I don't know what crack,... meth,... whatever it is drug addicts smoke.

Then he proceeds to tell me that he used to play on the national hockey team and then a minute later he said he played rugby for the national team. Wow he is so good at sports he plays on the national team for two different sports? And all this with meth mouth and no teeth. This is what I have to put up with here. Bullshit, drugs, abuse,.... yet they won't give me a transfer.

How much bullying and bullshit do I have to deal with before I end up commiting suicide as I just can't take it anymore. 

How loud do I have to shout to be heard???????

I hate this place and I would rather DIE than live here.

WHY can't Ontairo Housing help me????? Because they just don't want to as they think I'm a complaing 'karen'. I can guarantee you that if this woman that works at Ontario Housing - the woman who is deniying me help - if SHE had to see what I see everyday in HER neighbourhood ~ she would be disgusted and fight to get it cleaned up. But because she only works here and doesn't live here - it doesn't bother her that we are bullied and threatened until we are suicidal. She uses the 'sorry I can't help you - rules and regulations!' which is bullshit. If she truyly cared, she would look into it for me and get me that emergency transfer. But she doesn't want to,... I dont' know why. You will have to ask her why she doesn't care I am being bullied and harrassed so bad I am suicidal. I have told her,... I have written it to her in writing to make it official (several times) yet - I am still INVISABLE and unworthy of helping.

Between the meth heads in the gazego (along with the bullying) and the nasty gargoyles who sit in the lobby and just harrass people I am not going to live here anymore. I have tried for 2 years to find another place but affordable housing in Canada is non-exixtent now. Canada has priced me right out of living so I have no where to go.

What would you do? I have phoned the legal aid,... I have complained to whoever will listen (which isn't many as noone wanted to listen) but I have found that the poor are invisable and not worth helping to the rest of the world. Oh wait,... yeah,.. they will help you. But the only help they have available is MENTAL HEALTH. And they keep houding and harrassing me trying to make me feel as if this whole situatrion is all mental health related. BULLSHIT. The truth is I need housing - badly - but you refuse to help with that so you tell yourself I am mentally ill in crisis and need to go to homewood. THEN you can feel like you 'helped' pat yourselves on the back - we put away antoher crazy,....

I'm not crazy, I am bitter,... mad,.... resentful that I have been thrown away and left to rot. I need physical help now as I am disabled. I need help getting groceries, and doing laundry,... THATS the help I need but insteaad you send ambulnaces and cops to my door threatening to break my door down!!!!!!!!!! Thats inhumane.

You can keep 'your help' and I will just do what I need to do to escape this ridiculous and miserable situation I have been trapped in.

You won't help society??????? Then I do what I need to do to find peace,....

I asked for help,.... but you guys are so heavy handed and so focused on the wrong thing, that I gave up asking for help.

Fuck you all ~ now I do it my way,.... DIE!

What a cruel world we live in

I have totally given up now. I feel I have tried my best to find new housing but this country is in such bad decline the lower class don't stand a chance anymore. There isn't anything affordable to us at all out there,... NOTHING

I called my cousin and told him I won't need him to drive me to Georgina. I didn't tell him it's because it's too late as I didn't want him to feel bad. None of this is his fault. Infact I kind of dragged him into it. I was so desperate for someone to help me. He is a kind person and just as I thought, he couldnt' say no. But in my heart I felt bad because I dont' think he really wanted to have to drive so far. He just said yes because he's kind. But I am not his responsibility and I really had no right to ask him for help of any kind.So I told him to forget it as the house I wanted was sold.

I called the real estate agent and let her know I wouldn't be able to get there so I wouldn't be buying the house.

I then deactivated my Facebook account again as I am finished with Marketplace. No need to sell anymore. I'm not moving.

Now I am just going to be tying up loose ends. Making sure my end of life stuff is completely paid off which means I have to break my GIC. 

My apartment is all packed ready to move,... but I'm not going anywhere. So I am living out of boxes. I'm too exhausted to put everything back. I know what I will be doing so why bother? Just leave it for whoever to deal with. They can keep it all. It never meant anything to me anyway. All new,...from starting over. 

I had just been back a year. I had bought all new stuff. I had adopted Molly and Murphy. I thought life could be good if only I could get out of this building. 

And then Crash,.... every avenue I tried I was met with a problem. A dilema,... a wall. And no matter how much I tried, nothing ever came into fruition. I failed. And now theres nowhere to go. I am stuck in this unit,... in this building until the day I die.

So now I need to die. And now the real planning begins,...

I am so sad that my life is going to end not even close to how I would want it to. But I'm not hanging around to be bullied,... to live in pain,... to live in isolation,... I'm done with all that.

And sadly the only way out now is suicide.

What a fucking cruel world we live in

 

I can't wait,.... I have to do it now

 I can't eat,... I can't sleep,... my life is a fucking misery and it's time to end it.

So i booking a hotel in Guelph. I will take the $80 to $100 taxi fee,... and I will find fentanyl and overdose.

I can't take this anymore and more to the point

WHY SHOULD I?

By the end of the weekend I will be dead

I think I have to admit defeat and just end it all

It's gone. The mobile home I wanted is sold to someone else. I didn't get to Georgina in time. I had called my cousin to see if he could drive me and he can,... but not until May 31st. I was heartbroken when he said that as I know the other one will be sold by then too. I can'r get mad as my cousin is doing me a huge favour. he is a man who comes from a very busy life. Family, job, grandchildren,... his life is very, very full and he can't just drop everything to drive me half way across Ontario. And I know that,... but understanding why didn't do anything to curb the disappointment.

I hate being so alone with no help. If I had friends or family they could have helped drive me there a month ago and I could have bought it. But being poor and alone and isolated from the world doesn't give you a lot of choices. I tried very hard to get to Gerogina but without a car or a licence it just isn't happening.

I think May 31st is going to be too late. Now that spring is here all the homes are doing open houses. This one will get snapped up by the weekend I'm sure. This is prime time to buy a mobile/holiday home. 

So again my hope has been dashed. And tonight I feel so defeated all I want is to end my life. I am never going to find a place to live,... I am a mentally ill monster that noone wants and I just need to die now.

I have rehomed Molly and Murphy,... I have sold half of my stuff,... and now there's no place to go. I've lost it all again. and I'm not doing this starting over thing again,... it's seriously time to die!!!!!

And the sooner the better now. Now that hope is gone on my mobile home, I dont see any other place to move. I seriously think its time,...

The dream is gone now,....

 How much longer do I have to suffer in this fucking pain?I can't fucking take it anymore.

Why is nobody fucking helping me with my pain????

Life is so fucking cheap and disposable when your poor and a nobody

This is my blood pressure just after Ontario Housing left my unit. This is actually the 3rd reading. The first 2 were so high they wouldn't register on the monitor just saying error. I am DYING!

I just had the worst and most humiliating thing happen this morning. I asked S**** months ago for an emergency transfer but I got a no. I then told her that I will be going through MAiDs as I can't stay here and theres nowhere else I can go. Again - nothing. No help,... no let me look into it,... just NO!!! Today they came to do the annual maintenace check up and I refused to let her into my unit. This is how much that woman cares,....

I tell her my life was threatened and I'm unable to use the gazebo as I was told not to "or else". i told her I dont feel safe here and need to get out. No help. She knows I have a plane booked going to Vancouver to DIE! I told her I was going through Maids (although  truthfully I am just going to go to the downtown eastside and take a fatal fentanyl overdose)   MY Maids   ~   since my country ignored me and left me feeling invisable too. Refused to help. Just left me to rot on my own when i couldn't cope anymore. And then, to add insult to injury,... they wouldn't give me Maids here in Ontario. No matter. In the end it will happen one way or the other.  

Because no matter what ~ I am going to DIE!

Today she knocks on my door and with a big smile says hello how are you? She got the shock of her life when i asked that out of respect and dignity to me i would appreciate her not entering my unit. I told her why. I am too bitter and angry at S**** becasue she knows I'm ending my life and could have helped but CHOOSE not to. And knowing I am going to die - she smiled and said how are you like NOTHING WAS WRONG. TONE DEAF unfeeling cold hearted woman! 

I was calm but firm and shut the door on her face. The other lady came in and she does her inspection and then (tone deaf) starts on about taps,.... so I looked her dead in the eye and screamed 

"You guys just dont get it do you? I am going to DIE! I dont give one fuck about taps or things broken in this unit,... I will be DEAD by Septemeber!!!" And S**** could have helped but choose not to so I directly blame her for my death!!!!!! If she had helped - i would not be doing this."

I am so angry at the lack of empathy with Ontario Housing. We are just numbers to them that they can evict us like we're ants with the snap of a finger and they dont' give one shit about us as human beings.

I am so DISGUSTED in S****'s smiling happy face like nothing was wrong, that I wanted to punch her. TONE DEAF - A cold hearted uncaring person!!!!

I am going to die because S**** M****** just didn't want to,.....she couldn't be bothered,... it wasn't important enough to look into,... I was just another animal in the zoo making noise,..... not her concern.

I hate this world,... I hate Ontario Housing,... I hate the fucking system,.... and now it's just time to 

DIE!

Life is fucking disposable if your poor and a nobody

What the hell has happened to Canada's customer service??? It sucks everywhere!

 Today has been another day,... I have to rant. Canada is in such a decline that even common customer service is gone. I have to get these two things off of my chest as I don't have anyone to talk to and this is just eating away at me. I know that if I just 'write it out' I can put it behind me. So,...

Rant: (no need to read - just venting)

Walmart delivery! What can i say about these shisters? I am forced to order my groceries from Walmart as I have no other way of getting them. But I hate the way they are so liberal in my bank account. The minute you click on 'order' they take the total out of your bank. THEN they go and collect all of your groceries off of the shelves. But of course not everything is available so the total changes. Usually they go in a credit the first amount they charged and then charge the second amount. But on May 9th - they forgot to credit me. They charged me twice. I already hate that they go in to my bank account so many times. Us poor people get charged $1.25 for every transaction they do. Once they went in 3 times costing me $3.75. That may not sound like much but on top of the delivery fee, the fee to the person who gets your ggroceries off the shelves,... and then,... the tip. It all adds up. So STEALING money out of my account is infuriating. I had to call Walmart a half a dozen times. I went into the store. I called them again,... I got the complete runaround. Wait 5 days,... then 15 days,... then another 24 - 48 hours,... they were just not giving me my money back. I ended up having to call my credit card company and they resolved it by giving me my credit.

Walmart ~ you are out and out THIEVES! When you have to beg for you own money???? That is really bad business. I will try not to ever use Walmart delivery ever again. They are just too greedy in my bank account.

Burger King ~ I eat out about once every 2 or 3 MONTHS! I just can't afford it anymore. But yesterday Aidrian and I decided to treat ourselves to Burger King. The weather was gorgeous and the walk would be nice. However,... this is the Fergus Burger King. (all run by foreingers who can barely speak english) We walk in and get ignored for about 5 minutes. All the staff are 'busy'. Finally some kid takes my order. I pay and wait. And wait,... and wait some more. Finally I ask,... where is my order? What order? Now I have been standing at their counter for about 20 minutes now. Noone asked why I was there. Noone asked what I was waiting for. I was literally ignored. Now I ask about my order (why else wouold anyone be standing there unless they were waiting for their order!) It has never eached their screen. The order was never done. So now they panic and they just want to get my food fast. So they throw my food in a bag and give it to me. I leave. My fries were obviously sitting in the heater for a long time as they were all rubbery and old and cold. The hamburger was no better.

What the hell is going on with customer service in Canada????? Back in my day,... if we had ignored customers or treated anyone the way Walmart treated me? I would have been fired.

And don't even get me started on the foreign workers stealing our jobs,... and they can't even speak english and do the job!!!!!!

There. Rant over but I am still pissed that Canada has declined so badly. 

I have got to get the hell out of this place!

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, it was hot out,... It was one of the first great days of spring. So I decided to take advantage of this weather and finally go back out to the gazebo to smoke a joint. I hadn't been out there for ages due to "Stay out of the fucking gazebo or else!" fiasco from Mark. But today I didn't care. I held my head high and marched right on out to the gazebo and had my joint. Mark and Darren were not at all pleased and shot me the dirtiest of looks and then got up and left. They think they are punishing me by getting up and leaving when in reality they are just giving me their chair so I don't have to stand. I still giggle when they do this. The real reason they get up and leave is Darren is terrified I will tell everyone out loud what he did to his cat. He doesn't want anyone to know that so he made up lies about me to get everyone to hate me. Didn't work. Two years later only him and Mark hate me. Noone else joined in. I thought they had but after going out a few times I was told they had no idea why I stopped coming out to the gazebo. When I told them Mark threatened me to stay out they were shocked. They had no part in that even though Mark told me they all hated me. WRONG 

And yesterday proved it. I sat out there twice and had many people sit and chat with me. Mark you are a fucking liar. And all day him and Darren had to stand outside elsewhere to smoke.

But this is exactly why I need to leave. I am 63 and suppose to be retired ~ enjoying life. Instead I am having to live a life walking on egg shells because of the bored gargoyles who do nothing but gossip and interfere in others lives. This place is a cesspool of bored folk hurting others just to pass the time. AND I AM DONE WITH IT ALL!

My apartment is completely packed now with only essentials out. I am that desperate to get the hell out of here. I don't even have a place to go. But I am so unhappy living here I have compleltely packed up what little life I have into boxes and I wait to leave. 

I have wasted ten years of my life here. 

Now it's time to get the hell out before I literally lose my mind or end my life,... and if I have to end my life to escape I will. I don't want to. I really don't,... but I will if I am forced to stay here. I have never been so miserable as the years I have spent in this building.

I need to get the hell out of this building!!!!! But how?

Music can awaken a dead soul

It is Monday today. A holiday. What us Canadians call the "May 24 weekend". (That's pronounced two-four not twenty four). Traditionally it is the start of summer for us here. Even though the weather can be a bit iffy, people are itching to get outside and see the state of their gardens and start clean up for the summer. Pools get opened,... cottages get opened,... but for me? It is just another day. Monday,... No family,... no plans,... just alone ~ again. And I am sat here once again feeling like "what the fuck am I even here for?"  Another holdiay alone,... 

I give a sigh and think here I am - another boring day to fill up. What can I do different to stop this boring mundane life? And to do that I thought what are my passions that can pull me out of this dispair?

Football,... music,... and animals.

But my body just feels so empty. I don't know where passion is in your brain, but mine must be frozen. Because the only things I feel lately are anger and despair. But this morning, I was doing my usual routine of cleaning and watching Youtube videos, when a music video came on that made me stop in my tracks. Classical music,... specifically the cello - my favourite instrument. It had been so long since I have really enjoyed music. It almost felt foreign to me. But it awakened something in me. So I went and sat down. And listened,... I closed my eyes and I just let myself be drawn into the music. And it worked,... I could feel my body responding. And the more I listened, the more my body awakened. 

Music has always been a passion of mine. And having played the piano as a child I was familiar and enjoyed classical music. I have become fond of cello and violin pieces specifically. I find them,... mournful,... deep. I can completely immerse myself. And that is just what I did. I sat there and just enjoyed it. The stress that has been sitting on my shoulders like an albatross has kept me from enjoying anything. But the music was melting that away. There is something about music that just get right down deep into my soul. It is part of me. 

And so I sat there - finally feeling something. It felt nice,...

Life has become unbearable

It's Sunday morning. Without having Molly & Murphy here, I slept in until seven o'clock. I am sat here with my coffee watching all my 'off-grid' youtube channels. "Skote Outdoors", "Jay Legere" "Holdfast Alaska",.... all people living life how I want to. If I was 25 again I would drop everything, buy land and live off-grid. But unfortunately I am not 25 anymore. I am going to be 63 in September. And I am considered 'legally disabled' so I would never be able to run an off-grid homestead on my own. It would just be too physical for me. (Now if I had someone to go in with me that would be golden,... but I have noone to do this with sadly).

But I can't tell you how sick of people i am right now. I think our government is scamming us working for the elite and rich while us poor go under. I think the new generation of kids (at leasst the ones living here) are spoiled and entitled. I just feel like there are no morals or respect left ~ at least in this building. And sadly, I dont' see life outside of this building. I am trapped inside with the addicts and people living on the fringes of society. I have had my fill of these folks and I am getting out ~ one way or another. I am either going to find a place to live finally or I will just take a fentanyl overdose to end it all. But either way I will not be living in this hell hole ever again.

Now I dont' want to die so I am fighting tooth and nail to find a place to call my own. But this world just seems to be against me. I have Just over $100,000 in  my bank account but the downfall is I only get $1500 a  month to live on. It's my monthly income that is the challenge.

If there is anyone reading this who can help ~ PLEASE reach out! I need a place to live. An RV, a trailer, a mobile home,... it doesn't matter. As long as I can afford it I will be happy.

BUT WHERE?

I have been scouring the internet looking for anywhere in Canada. Ontario is preferable as my monthly income will be a lot more as I won't lose my ODSP (disability). If I move out of province, I lose nearly $600 of my monthly income so Ontario is the best place to stay. But I will move anywhere if I can find somewhere affordable.

My biggest hurdle is having no car to view these places. My life just seems to be one big challenge. And at the end of each hurdle seems to be a "no". A roadblock,... a wall,.... a dead end,...

Surly to God, there has got to be a little slice of land somewhere I can buy with a well already on it. I can do electricity myself with solar generators and I am not beneath using an outhouse instead of sewage system. The only thing I definitely need and can't do without is water. I would need land with a well already on it.

But all of this seems to be pipe dream,....

I KNOW there is a place somewhere in Canada where I can do this,... but the million dollar question is where? Because right now I can't find it. 

Please let me find a place to live, God. I really don't want to die. But I refuse to live homeless or in this building so if I can't find land or a place to live ~ I will end my life.

Because life right now is unbearable and I just can't do it anymore,....

maybe it's time to just walk away from my life

I never seemed to fit in with the Morgans. I thought I did, but later learned they didn't fit with me. We ended up estranged and I no longer have any contact with my brothers of any kind.

Having no family naturally made me start thinking of my birth family. The Holyoaks. Because I already have all my paperwork strewn out all over my livingroom while I am packing, I came across all my mothers letters to me. I sat down and read every single one of them. And now,... I feel this overwhelming need to find out where she lived in BC and go there. All I know is key words from her letters,... Lone Butte,... 100 mile,... Williams lake,... She had 9.8 acres of land and lived in a trailer on that land. But where is that land?? 

So I took to google. Land property searches,... came up with nothing. I have to remember that a lot of what my Mother told me were lies. Cruel lies. But right now this is all I have to go on. None of the names she mentions seem to be close to each other. I dont think I will ever learn much about her. She seems to be a blank on the internet. But I may keep digging. Maybe I can find a death certificate. being her natural daughter I could easily send away for it.

I hate where I live so much I have become suicidal. I have been searching for a place to go for a few years now but so far,... no luck. And in the past year I have been feeling this pull towards BC. I have been feeling this need to learn more about my mother. Where did she live exactly.What hopsital did she die? What was her full real name? I dont even know that.

I feel like I have no family at all. The Morgans didn't want me but I dont really know the Holyoaks anymore. I feel adrift in a layer between families. Not in them,... just outside. Aside from my childhood days, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere,... always on my own. And now that I am older and feeling like a heart attack is close by, I feel this overwehlming urge to go and find my mothers life in BC. The rejection of my daughters and the Morgans ran deep and I never recovered. maybe I am searching for love and belonging somewhere else? I feel I have always been searching for love and belonging my whole adult life. 

But why am I chasing the dead? I dont know. But I will continue to search. I hate Ontario. I can't live here anymore. maybe I will just throw a backpack on my back while in BC and just live homeless. Make my way from the island to Vancouver to do some research. I have enough moeny for rooms to rent, etc,... if I'm frugal. I can then make my way into the mainland and up towards Mission. My half-brother Tony lives there. He is mentally challenged and I really wouldn't know what to expect from him. All I know is he took her ashes and buried them somewhere only he knows. 

I feel so untethered right now. Nothing connects me to anything. I am alone - adrift in life with noone. 

What have I got to lose? I am so unhappy here I have daydreams of just walking out the door and never stopping,... just walk away from this life. Walk, walk, walk,... I just have this overwhelming urge to leave everything behind and just walk right out of my life,...

And the sad part? Noone would even notice I was gone,....

So much rejection in my life,... abandonments,... It has left me feeling like a nobody. And now I just want to leave. Tail between my legs and walk off into the sunset into nowhere,.... 

It can't be any worse than livng the life I'm living now.

I'm so miserable I just want to die

I am so disappointed in Canada ~ I out and out can't survive anymore

 I am fed up of the nickel and diming this country has done to me and every other Canadian. This country is so poorly run,... our leadership so weak,... we are not surviving!!!!!!

I am trapped in the system and even with settlement money, I can't seem to get out of this damn system. Why is the cost of one watermelon $19.99? A bag of chocolate chips $48.00!!!! Why are there no doctors,... what good is free health care if you can't access it? Why is there no housing?

Canada! Where the fuck is all our money???

I have been trying for two years to get out of this building. But there just doesn't seem to be an answer for that. 

Immigrants get twice what I do a month,....

It seems the nationals that were born and raised here are being punished. We did nothing wrong except have the bad luck of living in Canada presently. Immigrants have doctors,.... Immigrants have enough to live on,... Immigrants were just interviewed not working but bought a brand new vehicle for $40,000. WTF Canada??? You won't even let me find a place to live!! Or give me a doctor,... 

I was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada in 1963. Yet I live on the bottom of the food chain.

If I can't find a place to live in the next few months,....

I AM ENDING MY LIFE!

But will Canada care???? No,... Right now Canada thinks of me as a finacial burden that would be happy to see me go. One less disposable to fund,....

There is no dignity living in this country anymore. Our government is so busy funding the rich and their 'project's' to make them richer,... they have completely forgotten about the rest of the people. Noone is finding life easy in Canada. Except maybe the immigrants,....

Maybe I should move to India and come back in as an immigrant. maybe I would do better that way,...

What the fuck does that say about Canada?

I am seriously thinking death will be so much easier than this fucking struggle to just breath,...

Life is so bad that noone will even see me to give me a home

Today has not been a good day,... 

My apartment is almost packed up,... I have sold everything I want to sell,... but I still have no place to go. The stress of the situation I am in right now is unbearable. I can't take much more. My plans are like sand running through my fingers. There one minute and gone the next,... slipped away as I found yet another impediment. BANG! I've hit another wall. And this is how my life has been for two years now. Every plan I make,... falls through. Every hope at a new idea to help me escape this prison ~ dashed by yet another obstacle,... and a person can only take so much disappointment before they give up completely.

Where is there a place for me on this planet??????????

I have scoured the internet all over Canada. But our society is in such decline that the ones on the bottom are losing,.... their homes,... their jobs,... their lives,.... and we have no place to go once this happens. How can a person have over $100,000 in their bank not be able to secure a place to live????? It's insane! And it's all because of my low monthly income. They see I only bring in $1583.00 a month they refuse to even let me talk about the apartment, RV, trailer,... I am just not a 'viable option' for these people.

When did society get so bad that we can't even find a home???

I cannot stay in this apartment building any longer. I am out and out suicidal living here. I have got to get out before I end it all. But HOW????? My things are sold,... packed,... all ready to move. But I have nowhere to go,...

I feel so invisable,... so disposable,... I don't want to die!!!! But it looks like that will be what happens. becasue I can't take one more day of this suffering. Pain with no doctor,... pain with no surgeries becasue I have no doctor,... and none will see me to give me a home.

I will be 63 this year. But will I even see my birthday????

 It's time to re-evaluate. Nothing is working and I need to sit down and ask myself why,... and the answer is ~ no car. I cannot do anything without a vehicle. So I have sat down and tried to make a plan. How to dig myself out of this horrible situation I am in.

So first things first, I have to get my drivers license. So i called a driving school and left a message to ask if they do refresher courses for people whos license has relapsed. Once I get a license, I will have to look at getting a car. 

Getting a car changes everthing. Now all my money will be put towards insurance, maintenance, and gas. All very expensive things. But I know that no transportation is my biggest worry. I am literally trapped here without a car.

So I was thinking,.... instead of moving,... how about buying a small motorhome or van?? Instead of moving,... I can travel. It's just a thought at this point. I dont know how feasable it is. But I will just take things one step at a time. First ~ get my license. That is the most important thing to do right now. Once I have that, I can start looking at vehicles. If I get a camper van, I can travel. Obviously there are a lot of hidden costs to this lifestyle so I would have to do a thorough research into it but it has to be better than sitting in this apartment getting bullied every time I open my door.

And maybe,.... just maybe,... I can plan a huge trip all across Canada to find a new place to live. In a vehicle it will be 100% easier.

I dont want to die ~ i just feel completely trapped. If I can find a way to escape this hell hole, it could mean the difference between suicide and thriving.

But one step at a time,.... today I concentrate on getting my license back and then I can think of step 2.

My whole goal in life now is to die

I am sat here feeling totally defeated. No matter what I do or who I call ~ there is no help for me. There is no place for me to live,...

I have been on the internet for over a month now every single day souring all across Canada to try and find me a place to live. But there just isn't one,...

How badly has Canada sunk when $100,000 can't even save me. I am about $50 or 60 thousand short. I tried financing but my mortgage would be too high. I live in poverty,... I wouldn't be able to swing the monthly costs.

I called 24/7 to see where that woman was who promised to take me grocery shopping but I never heard from. I sat on the line for over 20 minutes waiting,... she wasn't there today and wont be in the offive for a few days. So I told her ,..."This is not a mental health crisis - I am lying in bed unable to move - unable to look after myself,... unable to cook or do laundry or even sleep as the pain is too severe now. But with no help,... all you guys can do is call me mentally ill and offer me THAT help,... so just forget it,.... I guess noone can help me" and I hung up. And thats exactly how I feel. I need help with a doctor,... with housing,... with grocery shopping,... but all they can offer is mental health help.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW

I am looking for a place to buy - but no car to drive to see them.

I am too exhausted and in pain to get my groceries on a walker anymore,.... 

I am too fucking exhausted full stop

Today I just want to die

What kind of world does not help you - but refuses to let you die?

A fucked up world that just does not see you

Unless you are mentally ill - you are going to suffer.

I am moving up my plans now.

I have no intention of borading a plane to BC now. How can i enjoy a vacaation when I can barely move a muscle from pain??????

Fuck this world

I am done

now - I do things my way and I dont talk to a sole form this moment on

My whole goal in life right now is TO DIE! 

Good-bye Molly

 

Good-bye Molly

Well I said good-bye to my Molly today. She was originally going to the young girl upstairs but she changed her mind. So i called the couple that took Murphy and they happily agreed to take her too. They were so happy they came with a few hours to get her. I wasn't prepared and I hadn't said a proper good-bye to her yet. But I love this couple and I can see how happy Murphy is. So I know she will be just as loved and spoiled.

I now think of myself as thier foster Mom. I gave them a good start. Now they are two lovely cats ready for their forever home.

They gave me so much. i will miss them. But I need to move and i couldn't take them with me. This was the best scenario for everyone (except me).

Good-bye Molly,... you were the sweetest kitten ever,....

My life changes constantly

Yesterday I was choosing MAiDs since everything was falling apart. I could not find a place to live. I still can't. Yesterday I was out and out panicing. I am slowly getting rid of everything i own in anticipation of moving to BC. But this morningit has all changed again.

I didn't limit my search for a place to live to any one province or city. I just looked for home or properties in my price range anywhere in Canada. I was hoping for BC because the weather is so much better and with my fibromyalgia that makes a big difference. But the drawback of leaving Ontario is that I lose my ODSP. So knowing this I thought I would give Ontario one last shot.

I found a real estate agent way up in Georgina Ontairo. She sells mobile homes in a park for reasonable prices. Today we had a sit down facetime going through 2 of these homes. I loved them both. She has two more to show me coming up for sale next week. Once I see them, I will arrange a trip out there. She said to stay in the radison (the safest and cleanest) and make a weekend or short get-away out of it as this motel is right on the waterfront.

When there I can then view the homes myself and if I buy one, do the inspeciton and paperwork while staying there. It would be so much easier if I just had a car. But I dont. And my life seems to be all about adapting. And so I will adapt without a car. I asked if I was close enough to groceries with a taxi and she said I was. 

So now I am excited again. If i stay in Ontario I get to keep my whole monthly income of $1565.97. Now most people would think that is a pittance to live on. But if i can get my mortgage payment as low as $200? I can easily swing this. I am QUEEN of budgeting. i can stretch a penny like it's rubber.

My head is still all over the place though. Things seem to change hourly - not daily. And with that in mind, this could fall through as well. My biggest concern? Financing. It would be so much easier to swing with a mortgage. But can I even get financing??? I really dont' think they will give it to me. Which is why I am not allowing myself to get too excited. This could all fall apart in an instant if i cant get accepted for a mortgage.

I have a huge down payment so I am hoping becasue the mortgage will be so small they will give it to me. But I need to be prepared if I can't get the financing.

Fingers crossed,....

 Dear CMHA

STOP fucking calling me

I need help with housing

I am not in a mental health crisis 

and I am so sick to death of you guys

turning everything around to mental health

I AM NOT IN CRISIS

I need housing

I need food

I need transprotation

I need a fucking DOCTOR

but what I dont need is you fucking calling me mental

Fuck off and leave me alone

I will never ask for help again

 Can you die of a broken heart because you're so unwanted?

The world is a scam now

 I have scoured the internet to find a solution to my problem. But all I have discovered is scammers and prices so high I can't even almost afford.

The obvious solution is what is all over the internet ~ tiny homes. You can buy a tiny home for $50,000. Thats money I have. So I did a deep dive into tiny home life. And what I discovered is, it's all a scam. There is no place to put a tiny home. The by-laws and zoning is so strict you can't put a tiny home. And believe me, I have been on the internet getting in touch with real estate agents in both BC and Ontario but they all say the same thing. You pretty much need to live off-grid as noone will allow for hookups to water, sewage or electricity. The by-laws just won't permit it. Ditto for RV living. You can buy your own property - but the 'highers that be" wont allow you to put what you want on it. There are millions of people on facebook selling tiny homes. But not one can tell you where to put them. it's all a scam by the "tiny Home Sellers" trying to make a buck. So tiny homes are out.

A traditional apartment is out. WAY too expenisive for my $1600 a month budget. Which is why I have been investigating alternative housing. But no matter what I research, there is always a catch why I cant.

Renting an apartment: My monthly income is too low to even get an application to fill out

Tiny house: no land allows on-grid living

RV: I can't find a permanent place to put it. Infact, I can't even get into a trailer park!!! Noone will accept my application. 

I can't even get accepted into a trailer park!

So then I looked at tiny mobile homes in my price range. But,... (and there always seems to be a but,...) One,... I dont even have a car to get to view these places. The one I like is way up north on Georgian Bay. How the hell am I going to get their with no car??? All I can afford is way, way up north which does not have buses or trains there. They are in the middle of nowhere and you would absolutely need a vehicle to survive. I cant afford a vehicle.

There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing you are 100% completely on your own and have to find a home. I have no help with all the physical aspects. The packing,... the moving,... I have always had to do it myself. And this time,... I am not well enough. And I dont even have a car to physically move!!! If I can't walk there,... I can't get there,... transportation has been my downfall for 5 years. With no car ~ you just can't go.

So what is the answer? What does a 62 year old disabled lady do to find a home?

How loud do I have to shout?

How long do I have to suffer?

Before someone sees me and helps me find a home?

How long before I just cant do it anymore and give up?

July 1st,.... if I dont have a place to move on July 1st I go down to Vancouvers downtown eastside and I do my own 'Maids". A fatal OD. To be found by a stranger in a dirty alley,... but at least I will have finally ended my suffering,...

What kind of world do we live in when a 62 yr old is priced right out of living???

A fucked up world I no longer want to be a part of! THATS what kind of world we live in.

A fucked up one!

And I'm done suffering

There just doesn't seem to 

be a place for me

anywhere on this

planet

There just doesn't seem to be a place for me on this planet for me

I am so overwhelmed. Nothing is working out and I am starting to panic. What is wrong with this world when $100,000 can't even save you? I have been on the internet for days now trying to find a place for me to live. But all I seem to get is no and resistence.

Why does noone want me???? 

I have looked into renting, buying, anything,.... but there just isn't a place for me on this planet.

I have sold a lot of my stuff so my apartment is pretty sparse right now. I am packing up,... selling off the rest,... yet I have nowhere to go. 

I send applications ~ they don't even call me back. I phone,... they actually seem annoyed I am bothering them. Story of my life,... a burden,... a bother,....

Maybe it's just time to do it. Everything else has failed and it's not from lack of trying. It's simply I am too poor and nobody wants to deal with me. Noone will take a chance on me,... I am too poor. 

When you have to research to find a place to live,... something is wrong. When you have to practically beg people to take you in,.... it's time to call it a day and just end it.

I should have ended it 10 years ago. But I held out hope my children would come back to me. They didn't. 

I just need to end it now.

I am done.

On to Plan C

Things are crazy right now! My life is so fluid it is changing by the day. I have so many ideas that I am working on to get out of Ontario Housing. 

My original plan was BC. Buy an RV and put it on a rental pad in an RV park. But finding a park has been a real problem. So istarted looking at alternatives. I have looked at buying land way up north in BC for a tiny house or cabin,.... then I saw listings of mobile homes for under $100,000. Now that would be a good option. When I actually looked into this option I realized I wouldn't even have to move to BC! I saw a few listing here in Ontairo. So i called the agent. I told her my situation and asked if this would even be feasable. She thinks it is! And she has some listings for me to look at. They are actually near where I used to live years ago. Newmarket area. it is a mobile home in a mobile park for over 55+.

So in the past four days I have been all over the place looking for a future. I know $100000 is not a lot. But if I am careful and usse a good agent, I think I can find a place in Ontario. And the reason I prefer staying in Ontario is I won't lose my ODSP. I will still have my $1608 a month if i remain in this province. 

My head is all over the place. It's been quite overwehlming. But I am determined and I f that is what it takes then I will succeed.

So fingers crossed 

Proof you were wrong Diane ~ and you ruined my life becasue of it

To Diane:

You scammed me with your trailer offer only to find it infested with rats and mice. I complained you made me feel like a princess who was just a complainer. I phoned exterminators and was quoted $2000 to have the trailer exterminated and they said it may need doing twice it was so bad. 

Diane, you refused to let me clean it professionally. You actually said to just take a broom and sweep it all out. I knew that was dangerous but you refused to listen to me. I tried to explain the seiousness of the virus you catch from the dried droppings in which there was thousands of in that trailer,... but you wouldnt listen.

Well Diane, here is the result of the Hantavirus from mice,... IT KILLS YOU. And here is proof. 3 peopke have died on this cruise ship due to mice and their droppings. If I had moved into that trailer,... I would have caught this virus and I told you so. You refused to believe me.

It ruined my life.

Diane, this is proof you have no idea what you are talking about. It is dangerous,... very dangerous yet you wanted me to live there so you could keep your home. LOW LIFE SCUM you are. I lost everything due to your dishonesty and refusal to listen to what needed to be done to fix the problem. You out and out refused to allow me to call an exterminator,... why?

I was not weak - I was right and you were wrong.

And sadly, that ruined my life,......

There seems to be no place on this planet for me

I am so discouraged. I am trying so hard but I am overwhelmed with it all and just want life to go away. I refuse to live here in Ontario Housing any longer. My mental health deteriorated so bad I have become suicidal. I need to get out of this building. But that is not easy.

There is nowhere affordable in Ontario. So I am looking into BC. Why BC? The weather. No more harsh winters causing me such pain. But finding a place to live has become a trial. I only have $100,000 and i have bills of $15,000 to pay off once my GIC matures in September. I still have to pay off my headstone and cemetary plot. I'm sure after it's all paid I will have about $80,000 to use. I need to buy an RV and then find a park or pad to put it on which will cost me about $1000 a month. I can't afford that but I will have to make it work. If i can get an RV for 30,000 that would leave plenty to live off of if I am frugal and careful. Which I already am. Queen of budgeting! The problem seems to lie in the parks and pads I need. They don't want to take me as my monthly income is too  low. 

I can't seem to catch a break. All I want to do is live! But Canada has priced me right out of living!!!! My cousin left a text last night which I read this morning saying the woman in his park is worried I dont' have a monthly income and doesn't want to let me in that park.

What do I have to do to be seen???? What do I have to do to get a place to live? I shouldn't have to work like its my full-time job just to find housing. It's inhumane that noone will let me live there,....

So I called Maids again. And I emailed them when I will be on the Island and see if they can arrange an appointment with me while I am there. I am so fed up of being invisable and unworthy noone will even give me a place to life ~ even when I DO have the money.

What am I expected to do????? I feel like this world hates me and just wants me gone. So I think thats what I will work on. Noone will let me live in their trailer park or apartment or RV or tiny home,... noone wants me full stop.

I think it's just time to admit defeat and just do it. If BC Maids wont do it for  me,... then I will just take the ferry to Vancouver to the downtown eastside where hundreds and hundreds of homeless drug addicts live and I will just take an overdose and die.

I am not begging this planet to live!!!!! If they wont help me find a home,... then I just end it all,....

how the fuck did I become so invisable,... so worhtless,.... so disposable,......

I just neeed to die now

Just a rant ~ no need to read

I had a not bad day today ~ until Tonya fucking Halls. I was walking down the hall to go to the outside garbage. Tonya just getting on the elevator (I was about 15 ft away around a corner) and she says "Good fucking riddence cunt" And being the coward that she is, she said it just as the elevator doors shut. So I waited until she came back up. And i let her have it. Then I wrote her up. I want housing to see that I go through this every fucking day and it's absolute harrassment and THIS is why I am leaving. Noone should have to put up with these childish playground snarky comments every time you walk by. It's just tedious and frustrating and she doesn't stop. So this time I wrote her up and as I walked by her doorbell camera I lift it up and said yup, I wrote you up. I want her to know she does not get to say things like that to me anymore. And next time,... I will walk right up to her face and stick my nose on her nose and scream at her,.... I have never done anything like that before but I am fed up of this fat fucking cunt and her hatred. ONE MORE TIME Tonya cuz I'm leaving and have nothing left to lose,.... YOU can still be evicted. 

And this is why I a m leaving. The nosy nasty cunts in this building. I have had enough!!!!!!

So now after 10 yrs of holding my tongue I have let both Tonya and Arseen hear my wrath. And about fucking time. But the jokes on them. I'm leaving and they are still stuck here,.... in pooverty,... in Ontario Housing,.... in hell. 

I got out cunt!!!!!! so whos laughing now

I  just blocked my daughter on Facebook

I am not happy about it

It means I am finally done 

and need to protect myself 

by cutting them all off 

once and for all

my heart is broken