What the hell has happened to Canada's customer service??? It sucks everywhere!

 Today has been another day,... I have to rant. Canada is in such a decline that even common customer service is gone. I have to get these two things off of my chest as I don't have anyone to talk to and this is just eating away at me. I know that if I just 'write it out' I can put it behind me. So,...

Rant: (no need to read - just venting)

Walmart delivery! What can i say about these shisters? I am forced to order my groceries from Walmart as I have no other way of getting them. But I hate the way they are so liberal in my bank account. The minute you click on 'order' they take the total out of your bank. THEN they go and collect all of your groceries off of the shelves. But of course not everything is available so the total changes. Usually they go in a credit the first amount they charged and then charge the second amount. But on May 9th - they forgot to credit me. They charged me twice. I already hate that they go in to my bank account so many times. Us poor people get charged $1.25 for every transaction they do. Once they went in 3 times costing me $3.75. That may not sound like much but on top of the delivery fee, the fee to the person who gets your ggroceries off the shelves,... and then,... the tip. It all adds up. So STEALING money out of my account is infuriating. I had to call Walmart a half a dozen times. I went into the store. I called them again,... I got the complete runaround. Wait 5 days,... then 15 days,... then another 24 - 48 hours,... they were just not giving me my money back. I ended up having to call my credit card company and they resolved it by giving me my credit.

Walmart ~ you are out and out THIEVES! When you have to beg for you own money???? That is really bad business. I will try not to ever use Walmart delivery ever again. They are just too greedy in my bank account.

Burger King ~ I eat out about once every 2 or 3 MONTHS! I just can't afford it anymore. But yesterday Aidrian and I decided to treat ourselves to Burger King. The weather was gorgeous and the walk would be nice. However,... this is the Fergus Burger King. (all run by foreingers who can barely speak english) We walk in and get ignored for about 5 minutes. All the staff are 'busy'. Finally some kid takes my order. I pay and wait. And wait,... and wait some more. Finally I ask,... where is my order? What order? Now I have been standing at their counter for about 20 minutes now. Noone asked why I was there. Noone asked what I was waiting for. I was literally ignored. Now I ask about my order (why else wouold anyone be standing there unless they were waiting for their order!) It has never eached their screen. The order was never done. So now they panic and they just want to get my food fast. So they throw my food in a bag and give it to me. I leave. My fries were obviously sitting in the heater for a long time as they were all rubbery and old and cold. The hamburger was no better.

What the hell is going on with customer service in Canada????? Back in my day,... if we had ignored customers or treated anyone the way Walmart treated me? I would have been fired.

And don't even get me started on the foreign workers stealing our jobs,... and they can't even speak english and do the job!!!!!!

There. Rant over but I am still pissed that Canada has declined so badly. 

I have got to get the hell out of this place!

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, it was hot out,... It was one of the first great days of spring. So I decided to take advantage of this weather and finally go back out to the gazebo to smoke a joint. I hadn't been out there for ages due to "Stay out of the fucking gazebo or else!" fiasco from Mark. But today I didn't care. I held my head high and marched right on out to the gazebo and had my joint. Mark and Darren were not at all pleased and shot me the dirtiest of looks and then got up and left. They think they are punishing me by getting up and leaving when in reality they are just giving me their chair so I don't have to stand. I still giggle when they do this. The real reason they get up and leave is Darren is terrified I will tell everyone out loud what he did to his cat. He doesn't want anyone to know that so he made up lies about me to get everyone to hate me. Didn't work. Two years later only him and Mark hate me. Noone else joined in. I thought they had but after going out a few times I was told they had no idea why I stopped coming out to the gazebo. When I told them Mark threatened me to stay out they were shocked. They had no part in that even though Mark told me they all hated me. WRONG 

And yesterday proved it. I sat out there twice and had many people sit and chat with me. Mark you are a fucking liar. And all day him and Darren had to stand outside elsewhere to smoke.

But this is exactly why I need to leave. I am 63 and suppose to be retired ~ enjoying life. Instead I am having to live a life walking on egg shells because of the bored gargoyles who do nothing but gossip and interfere in others lives. This place is a cesspool of bored folk hurting others just to pass the time. AND I AM DONE WITH IT ALL!

My apartment is completely packed now with only essentials out. I am that desperate to get the hell out of here. I don't even have a place to go. But I am so unhappy living here I have compleltely packed up what little life I have into boxes and I wait to leave. 

I have wasted ten years of my life here. 

Now it's time to get the hell out before I literally lose my mind or end my life,... and if I have to end my life to escape I will. I don't want to. I really don't,... but I will if I am forced to stay here. I have never been so miserable as the years I have spent in this building.

I need to get the hell out of this building!!!!! But how?

Music can awaken a dead soul

It is Monday today. A holiday. What us Canadians call the "May 24 weekend". (That's pronounced two-four not twenty four). Traditionally it is the start of summer for us here. Even though the weather can be a bit iffy, people are itching to get outside and see the state of their gardens and start clean up for the summer. Pools get opened,... cottages get opened,... but for me? It is just another day. Monday,... No family,... no plans,... just alone ~ again. And I am sat here once again feeling like "what the fuck am I even here for?"  Another holdiay alone,... 

I give a sigh and think here I am - another boring day to fill up. What can I do different to stop this boring mundane life? And to do that I thought what are my passions that can pull me out of this dispair?

Football,... music,... and animals.

But my body just feels so empty. I don't know where passion is in your brain, but mine must be frozen. Because the only things I feel lately are anger and despair. But this morning, I was doing my usual routine of cleaning and watching Youtube videos, when a music video came on that made me stop in my tracks. Classical music,... specifically the cello - my favourite instrument. It had been so long since I have really enjoyed music. It almost felt foreign to me. But it awakened something in me. So I went and sat down. And listened,... I closed my eyes and I just let myself be drawn into the music. And it worked,... I could feel my body responding. And the more I listened, the more my body awakened. 

Music has always been a passion of mine. And having played the piano as a child I was familiar and enjoyed classical music. I have become fond of cello and violin pieces specifically. I find them,... mournful,... deep. I can completely immerse myself. And that is just what I did. I sat there and just enjoyed it. The stress that has been sitting on my shoulders like an albatross has kept me from enjoying anything. But the music was melting that away. There is something about music that just get right down deep into my soul. It is part of me. 

And so I sat there - finally feeling something. It felt nice,...

Life has become unbearable

It's Sunday morning. Without having Molly & Murphy here, I slept in until seven o'clock. I am sat here with my coffee watching all my 'off-grid' youtube channels. "Skote Outdoors", "Jay Legere" "Holdfast Alaska",.... all people living life how I want to. If I was 25 again I would drop everything, buy land and live off-grid. But unfortunately I am not 25 anymore. I am going to be 63 in September. And I am considered 'legally disabled' so I would never be able to run an off-grid homestead on my own. It would just be too physical for me. (Now if I had someone to go in with me that would be golden,... but I have noone to do this with sadly).

But I can't tell you how sick of people i am right now. I think our government is scamming us working for the elite and rich while us poor go under. I think the new generation of kids (at leasst the ones living here) are spoiled and entitled. I just feel like there are no morals or respect left ~ at least in this building. And sadly, I dont' see life outside of this building. I am trapped inside with the addicts and people living on the fringes of society. I have had my fill of these folks and I am getting out ~ one way or another. I am either going to find a place to live finally or I will just take a fentanyl overdose to end it all. But either way I will not be living in this hell hole ever again.

Now I dont' want to die so I am fighting tooth and nail to find a place to call my own. But this world just seems to be against me. I have Just over $100,000 in  my bank account but the downfall is I only get $1500 a  month to live on. It's my monthly income that is the challenge.

If there is anyone reading this who can help ~ PLEASE reach out! I need a place to live. An RV, a trailer, a mobile home,... it doesn't matter. As long as I can afford it I will be happy.

BUT WHERE?

I have been scouring the internet looking for anywhere in Canada. Ontario is preferable as my monthly income will be a lot more as I won't lose my ODSP (disability). If I move out of province, I lose nearly $600 of my monthly income so Ontario is the best place to stay. But I will move anywhere if I can find somewhere affordable.

My biggest hurdle is having no car to view these places. My life just seems to be one big challenge. And at the end of each hurdle seems to be a "no". A roadblock,... a wall,.... a dead end,...

Surly to God, there has got to be a little slice of land somewhere I can buy with a well already on it. I can do electricity myself with solar generators and I am not beneath using an outhouse instead of sewage system. The only thing I definitely need and can't do without is water. I would need land with a well already on it.

But all of this seems to be pipe dream,....

I KNOW there is a place somewhere in Canada where I can do this,... but the million dollar question is where? Because right now I can't find it. 

Please let me find a place to live, God. I really don't want to die. But I refuse to live homeless or in this building so if I can't find land or a place to live ~ I will end my life.

Because life right now is unbearable and I just can't do it anymore,....

maybe it's time to just walk away from my life

I never seemed to fit in with the Morgans. I thought I did, but later learned they didn't fit with me. We ended up estranged and I no longer have any contact with my brothers of any kind.

Having no family naturally made me start thinking of my birth family. The Holyoaks. Because I already have all my paperwork strewn out all over my livingroom while I am packing, I came across all my mothers letters to me. I sat down and read every single one of them. And now,... I feel this overwhelming need to find out where she lived in BC and go there. All I know is key words from her letters,... Lone Butte,... 100 mile,... Williams lake,... She had 9.8 acres of land and lived in a trailer on that land. But where is that land?? 

So I took to google. Land property searches,... came up with nothing. I have to remember that a lot of what my Mother told me were lies. Cruel lies. But right now this is all I have to go on. None of the names she mentions seem to be close to each other. I dont think I will ever learn much about her. She seems to be a blank on the internet. But I may keep digging. Maybe I can find a death certificate. being her natural daughter I could easily send away for it.

I hate where I live so much I have become suicidal. I have been searching for a place to go for a few years now but so far,... no luck. And in the past year I have been feeling this pull towards BC. I have been feeling this need to learn more about my mother. Where did she live exactly.What hopsital did she die? What was her full real name? I dont even know that.

I feel like I have no family at all. The Morgans didn't want me but I dont really know the Holyoaks anymore. I feel adrift in a layer between families. Not in them,... just outside. Aside from my childhood days, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere,... always on my own. And now that I am older and feeling like a heart attack is close by, I feel this overwehlming urge to go and find my mothers life in BC. The rejection of my daughters and the Morgans ran deep and I never recovered. maybe I am searching for love and belonging somewhere else? I feel I have always been searching for love and belonging my whole adult life. 

But why am I chasing the dead? I dont know. But I will continue to search. I hate Ontario. I can't live here anymore. maybe I will just throw a backpack on my back while in BC and just live homeless. Make my way from the island to Vancouver to do some research. I have enough moeny for rooms to rent, etc,... if I'm frugal. I can then make my way into the mainland and up towards Mission. My half-brother Tony lives there. He is mentally challenged and I really wouldn't know what to expect from him. All I know is he took her ashes and buried them somewhere only he knows. 

I feel so untethered right now. Nothing connects me to anything. I am alone - adrift in life with noone. 

What have I got to lose? I am so unhappy here I have daydreams of just walking out the door and never stopping,... just walk away from this life. Walk, walk, walk,... I just have this overwhelming urge to leave everything behind and just walk right out of my life,...

And the sad part? Noone would even notice I was gone,....

So much rejection in my life,... abandonments,... It has left me feeling like a nobody. And now I just want to leave. Tail between my legs and walk off into the sunset into nowhere,.... 

It can't be any worse than livng the life I'm living now.

I'm so miserable I just want to die

I am so disappointed in Canada ~ I out and out can't survive anymore

 I am fed up of the nickel and diming this country has done to me and every other Canadian. This country is so poorly run,... our leadership so weak,... we are not surviving!!!!!!

I am trapped in the system and even with settlement money, I can't seem to get out of this damn system. Why is the cost of one watermelon $19.99? A bag of chocolate chips $48.00!!!! Why are there no doctors,... what good is free health care if you can't access it? Why is there no housing?

Canada! Where the fuck is all our money???

I have been trying for two years to get out of this building. But there just doesn't seem to be an answer for that. 

Immigrants get twice what I do a month,....

It seems the nationals that were born and raised here are being punished. We did nothing wrong except have the bad luck of living in Canada presently. Immigrants have doctors,.... Immigrants have enough to live on,... Immigrants were just interviewed not working but bought a brand new vehicle for $40,000. WTF Canada??? You won't even let me find a place to live!! Or give me a doctor,... 

I was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada in 1963. Yet I live on the bottom of the food chain.

If I can't find a place to live in the next few months,....

I AM ENDING MY LIFE!

But will Canada care???? No,... Right now Canada thinks of me as a finacial burden that would be happy to see me go. One less disposable to fund,....

There is no dignity living in this country anymore. Our government is so busy funding the rich and their 'project's' to make them richer,... they have completely forgotten about the rest of the people. Noone is finding life easy in Canada. Except maybe the immigrants,....

Maybe I should move to India and come back in as an immigrant. maybe I would do better that way,...

What the fuck does that say about Canada?

I am seriously thinking death will be so much easier than this fucking struggle to just breath,...

Life is so bad that noone will even see me to give me a home

Today has not been a good day,... 

My apartment is almost packed up,... I have sold everything I want to sell,... but I still have no place to go. The stress of the situation I am in right now is unbearable. I can't take much more. My plans are like sand running through my fingers. There one minute and gone the next,... slipped away as I found yet another impediment. BANG! I've hit another wall. And this is how my life has been for two years now. Every plan I make,... falls through. Every hope at a new idea to help me escape this prison ~ dashed by yet another obstacle,... and a person can only take so much disappointment before they give up completely.

Where is there a place for me on this planet??????????

I have scoured the internet all over Canada. But our society is in such decline that the ones on the bottom are losing,.... their homes,... their jobs,... their lives,.... and we have no place to go once this happens. How can a person have over $100,000 in their bank not be able to secure a place to live????? It's insane! And it's all because of my low monthly income. They see I only bring in $1583.00 a month they refuse to even let me talk about the apartment, RV, trailer,... I am just not a 'viable option' for these people.

When did society get so bad that we can't even find a home???

I cannot stay in this apartment building any longer. I am out and out suicidal living here. I have got to get out before I end it all. But HOW????? My things are sold,... packed,... all ready to move. But I have nowhere to go,...

I feel so invisable,... so disposable,... I don't want to die!!!! But it looks like that will be what happens. becasue I can't take one more day of this suffering. Pain with no doctor,... pain with no surgeries becasue I have no doctor,... and none will see me to give me a home.

I will be 63 this year. But will I even see my birthday????

 It's time to re-evaluate. Nothing is working and I need to sit down and ask myself why,... and the answer is ~ no car. I cannot do anything without a vehicle. So I have sat down and tried to make a plan. How to dig myself out of this horrible situation I am in.

So first things first, I have to get my drivers license. So i called a driving school and left a message to ask if they do refresher courses for people whos license has relapsed. Once I get a license, I will have to look at getting a car. 

Getting a car changes everthing. Now all my money will be put towards insurance, maintenance, and gas. All very expensive things. But I know that no transportation is my biggest worry. I am literally trapped here without a car.

So I was thinking,.... instead of moving,... how about buying a small motorhome or van?? Instead of moving,... I can travel. It's just a thought at this point. I dont know how feasable it is. But I will just take things one step at a time. First ~ get my license. That is the most important thing to do right now. Once I have that, I can start looking at vehicles. If I get a camper van, I can travel. Obviously there are a lot of hidden costs to this lifestyle so I would have to do a thorough research into it but it has to be better than sitting in this apartment getting bullied every time I open my door.

And maybe,.... just maybe,... I can plan a huge trip all across Canada to find a new place to live. In a vehicle it will be 100% easier.

I dont want to die ~ i just feel completely trapped. If I can find a way to escape this hell hole, it could mean the difference between suicide and thriving.

But one step at a time,.... today I concentrate on getting my license back and then I can think of step 2.

My whole goal in life now is to die

I am sat here feeling totally defeated. No matter what I do or who I call ~ there is no help for me. There is no place for me to live,...

I have been on the internet for over a month now every single day souring all across Canada to try and find me a place to live. But there just isn't one,...

How badly has Canada sunk when $100,000 can't even save me. I am about $50 or 60 thousand short. I tried financing but my mortgage would be too high. I live in poverty,... I wouldn't be able to swing the monthly costs.

I called 24/7 to see where that woman was who promised to take me grocery shopping but I never heard from. I sat on the line for over 20 minutes waiting,... she wasn't there today and wont be in the offive for a few days. So I told her ,..."This is not a mental health crisis - I am lying in bed unable to move - unable to look after myself,... unable to cook or do laundry or even sleep as the pain is too severe now. But with no help,... all you guys can do is call me mentally ill and offer me THAT help,... so just forget it,.... I guess noone can help me" and I hung up. And thats exactly how I feel. I need help with a doctor,... with housing,... with grocery shopping,... but all they can offer is mental health help.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW

I am looking for a place to buy - but no car to drive to see them.

I am too exhausted and in pain to get my groceries on a walker anymore,.... 

I am too fucking exhausted full stop

Today I just want to die

What kind of world does not help you - but refuses to let you die?

A fucked up world that just does not see you

Unless you are mentally ill - you are going to suffer.

I am moving up my plans now.

I have no intention of borading a plane to BC now. How can i enjoy a vacaation when I can barely move a muscle from pain??????

Fuck this world

I am done

now - I do things my way and I dont talk to a sole form this moment on

My whole goal in life right now is TO DIE! 

Good-bye Molly

 

Good-bye Molly

Well I said good-bye to my Molly today. She was originally going to the young girl upstairs but she changed her mind. So i called the couple that took Murphy and they happily agreed to take her too. They were so happy they came with a few hours to get her. I wasn't prepared and I hadn't said a proper good-bye to her yet. But I love this couple and I can see how happy Murphy is. So I know she will be just as loved and spoiled.

I now think of myself as thier foster Mom. I gave them a good start. Now they are two lovely cats ready for their forever home.

They gave me so much. i will miss them. But I need to move and i couldn't take them with me. This was the best scenario for everyone (except me).

Good-bye Molly,... you were the sweetest kitten ever,....

My life changes constantly

Yesterday I was choosing MAiDs since everything was falling apart. I could not find a place to live. I still can't. Yesterday I was out and out panicing. I am slowly getting rid of everything i own in anticipation of moving to BC. But this morningit has all changed again.

I didn't limit my search for a place to live to any one province or city. I just looked for home or properties in my price range anywhere in Canada. I was hoping for BC because the weather is so much better and with my fibromyalgia that makes a big difference. But the drawback of leaving Ontario is that I lose my ODSP. So knowing this I thought I would give Ontario one last shot.

I found a real estate agent way up in Georgina Ontairo. She sells mobile homes in a park for reasonable prices. Today we had a sit down facetime going through 2 of these homes. I loved them both. She has two more to show me coming up for sale next week. Once I see them, I will arrange a trip out there. She said to stay in the radison (the safest and cleanest) and make a weekend or short get-away out of it as this motel is right on the waterfront.

When there I can then view the homes myself and if I buy one, do the inspeciton and paperwork while staying there. It would be so much easier if I just had a car. But I dont. And my life seems to be all about adapting. And so I will adapt without a car. I asked if I was close enough to groceries with a taxi and she said I was. 

So now I am excited again. If i stay in Ontario I get to keep my whole monthly income of $1565.97. Now most people would think that is a pittance to live on. But if i can get my mortgage payment as low as $200? I can easily swing this. I am QUEEN of budgeting. i can stretch a penny like it's rubber.

My head is still all over the place though. Things seem to change hourly - not daily. And with that in mind, this could fall through as well. My biggest concern? Financing. It would be so much easier to swing with a mortgage. But can I even get financing??? I really dont' think they will give it to me. Which is why I am not allowing myself to get too excited. This could all fall apart in an instant if i cant get accepted for a mortgage.

I have a huge down payment so I am hoping becasue the mortgage will be so small they will give it to me. But I need to be prepared if I can't get the financing.

Fingers crossed,....

 Dear CMHA

STOP fucking calling me

I need help with housing

I am not in a mental health crisis 

and I am so sick to death of you guys

turning everything around to mental health

I AM NOT IN CRISIS

I need housing

I need food

I need transprotation

I need a fucking DOCTOR

but what I dont need is you fucking calling me mental

Fuck off and leave me alone

I will never ask for help again

 Can you die of a broken heart because you're so unwanted?

The world is a scam now

 I have scoured the internet to find a solution to my problem. But all I have discovered is scammers and prices so high I can't even almost afford.

The obvious solution is what is all over the internet ~ tiny homes. You can buy a tiny home for $50,000. Thats money I have. So I did a deep dive into tiny home life. And what I discovered is, it's all a scam. There is no place to put a tiny home. The by-laws and zoning is so strict you can't put a tiny home. And believe me, I have been on the internet getting in touch with real estate agents in both BC and Ontario but they all say the same thing. You pretty much need to live off-grid as noone will allow for hookups to water, sewage or electricity. The by-laws just won't permit it. Ditto for RV living. You can buy your own property - but the 'highers that be" wont allow you to put what you want on it. There are millions of people on facebook selling tiny homes. But not one can tell you where to put them. it's all a scam by the "tiny Home Sellers" trying to make a buck. So tiny homes are out.

A traditional apartment is out. WAY too expenisive for my $1600 a month budget. Which is why I have been investigating alternative housing. But no matter what I research, there is always a catch why I cant.

Renting an apartment: My monthly income is too low to even get an application to fill out

Tiny house: no land allows on-grid living

RV: I can't find a permanent place to put it. Infact, I can't even get into a trailer park!!! Noone will accept my application. 

I can't even get accepted into a trailer park!

So then I looked at tiny mobile homes in my price range. But,... (and there always seems to be a but,...) One,... I dont even have a car to get to view these places. The one I like is way up north on Georgian Bay. How the hell am I going to get their with no car??? All I can afford is way, way up north which does not have buses or trains there. They are in the middle of nowhere and you would absolutely need a vehicle to survive. I cant afford a vehicle.

There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing you are 100% completely on your own and have to find a home. I have no help with all the physical aspects. The packing,... the moving,... I have always had to do it myself. And this time,... I am not well enough. And I dont even have a car to physically move!!! If I can't walk there,... I can't get there,... transportation has been my downfall for 5 years. With no car ~ you just can't go.

So what is the answer? What does a 62 year old disabled lady do to find a home?

How loud do I have to shout?

How long do I have to suffer?

Before someone sees me and helps me find a home?

How long before I just cant do it anymore and give up?

July 1st,.... if I dont have a place to move on July 1st I go down to Vancouvers downtown eastside and I do my own 'Maids". A fatal OD. To be found by a stranger in a dirty alley,... but at least I will have finally ended my suffering,...

What kind of world do we live in when a 62 yr old is priced right out of living???

A fucked up world I no longer want to be a part of! THATS what kind of world we live in.

A fucked up one!

And I'm done suffering

There just doesn't seem to 

be a place for me

anywhere on this

planet

There just doesn't seem to be a place for me on this planet for me

I am so overwhelmed. Nothing is working out and I am starting to panic. What is wrong with this world when $100,000 can't even save you? I have been on the internet for days now trying to find a place for me to live. But all I seem to get is no and resistence.

Why does noone want me???? 

I have looked into renting, buying, anything,.... but there just isn't a place for me on this planet.

I have sold a lot of my stuff so my apartment is pretty sparse right now. I am packing up,... selling off the rest,... yet I have nowhere to go. 

I send applications ~ they don't even call me back. I phone,... they actually seem annoyed I am bothering them. Story of my life,... a burden,... a bother,....

Maybe it's just time to do it. Everything else has failed and it's not from lack of trying. It's simply I am too poor and nobody wants to deal with me. Noone will take a chance on me,... I am too poor. 

When you have to research to find a place to live,... something is wrong. When you have to practically beg people to take you in,.... it's time to call it a day and just end it.

I should have ended it 10 years ago. But I held out hope my children would come back to me. They didn't. 

I just need to end it now.

I am done.

On to Plan C

Things are crazy right now! My life is so fluid it is changing by the day. I have so many ideas that I am working on to get out of Ontario Housing. 

My original plan was BC. Buy an RV and put it on a rental pad in an RV park. But finding a park has been a real problem. So istarted looking at alternatives. I have looked at buying land way up north in BC for a tiny house or cabin,.... then I saw listings of mobile homes for under $100,000. Now that would be a good option. When I actually looked into this option I realized I wouldn't even have to move to BC! I saw a few listing here in Ontairo. So i called the agent. I told her my situation and asked if this would even be feasable. She thinks it is! And she has some listings for me to look at. They are actually near where I used to live years ago. Newmarket area. it is a mobile home in a mobile park for over 55+.

So in the past four days I have been all over the place looking for a future. I know $100000 is not a lot. But if I am careful and usse a good agent, I think I can find a place in Ontario. And the reason I prefer staying in Ontario is I won't lose my ODSP. I will still have my $1608 a month if i remain in this province. 

My head is all over the place. It's been quite overwehlming. But I am determined and I f that is what it takes then I will succeed.

So fingers crossed 

Proof you were wrong Diane ~ and you ruined my life becasue of it

To Diane:

You scammed me with your trailer offer only to find it infested with rats and mice. I complained you made me feel like a princess who was just a complainer. I phoned exterminators and was quoted $2000 to have the trailer exterminated and they said it may need doing twice it was so bad. 

Diane, you refused to let me clean it professionally. You actually said to just take a broom and sweep it all out. I knew that was dangerous but you refused to listen to me. I tried to explain the seiousness of the virus you catch from the dried droppings in which there was thousands of in that trailer,... but you wouldnt listen.

Well Diane, here is the result of the Hantavirus from mice,... IT KILLS YOU. And here is proof. 3 peopke have died on this cruise ship due to mice and their droppings. If I had moved into that trailer,... I would have caught this virus and I told you so. You refused to believe me.

It ruined my life.

Diane, this is proof you have no idea what you are talking about. It is dangerous,... very dangerous yet you wanted me to live there so you could keep your home. LOW LIFE SCUM you are. I lost everything due to your dishonesty and refusal to listen to what needed to be done to fix the problem. You out and out refused to allow me to call an exterminator,... why?

I was not weak - I was right and you were wrong.

And sadly, that ruined my life,......

There seems to be no place on this planet for me

I am so discouraged. I am trying so hard but I am overwhelmed with it all and just want life to go away. I refuse to live here in Ontario Housing any longer. My mental health deteriorated so bad I have become suicidal. I need to get out of this building. But that is not easy.

There is nowhere affordable in Ontario. So I am looking into BC. Why BC? The weather. No more harsh winters causing me such pain. But finding a place to live has become a trial. I only have $100,000 and i have bills of $15,000 to pay off once my GIC matures in September. I still have to pay off my headstone and cemetary plot. I'm sure after it's all paid I will have about $80,000 to use. I need to buy an RV and then find a park or pad to put it on which will cost me about $1000 a month. I can't afford that but I will have to make it work. If i can get an RV for 30,000 that would leave plenty to live off of if I am frugal and careful. Which I already am. Queen of budgeting! The problem seems to lie in the parks and pads I need. They don't want to take me as my monthly income is too  low. 

I can't seem to catch a break. All I want to do is live! But Canada has priced me right out of living!!!! My cousin left a text last night which I read this morning saying the woman in his park is worried I dont' have a monthly income and doesn't want to let me in that park.

What do I have to do to be seen???? What do I have to do to get a place to live? I shouldn't have to work like its my full-time job just to find housing. It's inhumane that noone will let me live there,....

So I called Maids again. And I emailed them when I will be on the Island and see if they can arrange an appointment with me while I am there. I am so fed up of being invisable and unworthy noone will even give me a place to life ~ even when I DO have the money.

What am I expected to do????? I feel like this world hates me and just wants me gone. So I think thats what I will work on. Noone will let me live in their trailer park or apartment or RV or tiny home,... noone wants me full stop.

I think it's just time to admit defeat and just do it. If BC Maids wont do it for  me,... then I will just take the ferry to Vancouver to the downtown eastside where hundreds and hundreds of homeless drug addicts live and I will just take an overdose and die.

I am not begging this planet to live!!!!! If they wont help me find a home,... then I just end it all,....

how the fuck did I become so invisable,... so worhtless,.... so disposable,......

I just neeed to die now

Just a rant ~ no need to read

I had a not bad day today ~ until Tonya fucking Halls. I was walking down the hall to go to the outside garbage. Tonya just getting on the elevator (I was about 15 ft away around a corner) and she says "Good fucking riddence cunt" And being the coward that she is, she said it just as the elevator doors shut. So I waited until she came back up. And i let her have it. Then I wrote her up. I want housing to see that I go through this every fucking day and it's absolute harrassment and THIS is why I am leaving. Noone should have to put up with these childish playground snarky comments every time you walk by. It's just tedious and frustrating and she doesn't stop. So this time I wrote her up and as I walked by her doorbell camera I lift it up and said yup, I wrote you up. I want her to know she does not get to say things like that to me anymore. And next time,... I will walk right up to her face and stick my nose on her nose and scream at her,.... I have never done anything like that before but I am fed up of this fat fucking cunt and her hatred. ONE MORE TIME Tonya cuz I'm leaving and have nothing left to lose,.... YOU can still be evicted. 

And this is why I a m leaving. The nosy nasty cunts in this building. I have had enough!!!!!!

So now after 10 yrs of holding my tongue I have let both Tonya and Arseen hear my wrath. And about fucking time. But the jokes on them. I'm leaving and they are still stuck here,.... in pooverty,... in Ontario Housing,.... in hell. 

I got out cunt!!!!!! so whos laughing now

I  just blocked my daughter on Facebook

I am not happy about it

It means I am finally done 

and need to protect myself 

by cutting them all off 

once and for all

my heart is broken

Goodbye Hayley,... I'm not your punching bag anymore

Molly had me awake at 5 o'clock this morning. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. Tossing and turning and never really sleeping. I had sent a text to my daughter Hayley saying:

"Hi Hayley. First of all I have to say I miss you. But that's not why I am writing. I would like to talk to you about my plans. I am leaving Ontario and moving to BC. Only this time I have settlement money so I won't end up homeless. I would very much love to say goodbye. I do not want to leave on bad terms. I am needing a new start and this is it. I will not text anymore. Everything gets misconstrued so I would like to meet up for a coffee. But only if you want to. I wont bother either of you if you still want to be left alone I only want you girls to be happy. I am going to Vancouver for a week on June 30th. Do all the leg work and try and find a place to put an rv. My money is in a GIC until September so I can't buy an RV until September but I am going out for a week to do all the legwork. But don't worry my cousin Brian will be with me making sure I'm taken care of."

She replied: I need to think about it

That really hurt me. You have to think about it???? 

I waited two complete days hearing nothing from her. And every minute that passed I knew she didn't want to. So this morning I texted her back:

"Look Hayley I don't want any problems. I just wanted to say goodbye. But if you have to think about it, then forget it. If I'm too hard to be around then forget it. Talk about hurtful Hayley. I'll just go without you. whatever. I didn't realize I was that hard just to say goodbye to. I must be a fucking monster. I don't wanna see you. I don't even want to hear from you. We're done. Have a nice life. When you can't even say goodbye to your own mother. Theres no relationship to save. Sorry I reached out - how stupid of me. It'll never happen again. I am a good person if you can't see that, then you don't deserve me."

And now it's done. I am so sick of being the scapegoat. Hayley is not perfect. Yet she was allowed to make mistakes (she was a fentynal addict!! I took her in when noone else would!!) I am so tired of all of them hating me. I am done. 

I have some pride left and this is it showing it's last harah. I am going for a brand new start in BC. And I refuse to go with the feeling of everyone hating me back in Ontario. They have made me feel like a monster.

NO MORE

If thats what they think??? Fine. But I no longer let it effect me. I will now be 4000 km away. I was hoping for them to visit someday and see where i have ended up. But they dont' care,... they never cared,... their father and the rest of that click all made sure I was hated.

I dont' deserve it and I refuse to wear it. I leave knowing I tried. Being rejected was on them.

I'm sorry it has to be this way. It's not my choice. But i can't keep taking their rejection anymore.

I dont' deserve it

So today I start a new life and my children will never be in.

The difference now is ~ before I was pinning for them. Now I don't want to see them either,..... they are too painful for my mental health and I need to protect myself now.

They have lost their power. I no longer care what they think. I am starting a new life and I don't need them.

How sad. How very fucking sad.

Looking for land and a tiny house in BC

Well today has started out a lot better than yesterday. I got an email from the couple who took Murphy and they sent a video of him in his new home and he looks so happy and content. Now I can rest ~ Murphy is ok.

Molly has cheered up a bit too. Nevaeh came down for an hour to play with her. She is the young girl who will be adopting her. So I no longer have to worry about my kittens. They will both have found great homes. All I want is for them to be loved and cared for. 

I have been on the internet all morning looking for companies or realestate agents that specialize in tiny homes on land. I would really love to own my own land so noone can ever threaten me with eviction ever again,.... whether it's feasable or not time will tell. But I am determined and once I put my mind to something I don't give up until I get it.

I am now awaiting to hear back from people I emailed.

I am getting out of 'the system' one way or another,.... even if it takes every single penny I have saved.