Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Quick update

Well, I have finally started remembering a few things. The number one thing,... how I ended up taking 30 klonopin without even realizing. Dumb,... dumb,... dumb,...
I now remember getting a tub of yogurt and putting 3 or 4 klonopin in each mouthful on the spoon. Why?? I have no idea. I was pprobably already so messed up I didn't realize what I was doing. I certainly wouldn't have done it if I was thinking strait.  So at least now I'm not tearing through the apartment looking for them. I know they're gone.
I think I blacked out for two days. (definitely 24 hours anyway) And its' just today that I'm starting to feel better physically. Serves me right.
But it's frightening to know that I can lose my mind (cuz basically that's what happened ~ I wasn't in control of my mind anymore) and do stuff with serious consequences. 
There are times I really hate this illness. It robs me of who I am and what I do. 
I just want to be normal. But that's never going to happen. sad. 

Won't be pulling THAT stunt ever again!

Well what a weird experience I have had over the past week. I don’t know what the hell happened but I woke up Tuesday morning doing the “what the fuck just happened,… “
It started with my insomnia. (doesn’t it always start with insomnia in my life?) so my daughter (adult daughter,… shes not some elementary school drug dealer or anything) brought me some weed. Now you have to understand that after I was in the hospital for 6 weeks they took me off ALL of my anxiety meds. Since then I have averaged about 3 hrs sleep a night and I am quite literally going insane with feeling so tired all the time.
So,… my daughter gave me some weed which I smoked. And just for verification I use a pipe and I only have one (or two at the most) tokes. I hadn’t smoked weed in a long time. I was a little apprehensive. But it worked. Really well I might add. I smoke a bowl right before bed and I actually FALL ASLEEP! I’ve been using it every  night now for over a week.
But somehow, and I still can’t figure out how, I found a bottle of 30 klonopin pills. A prescription given to me that I filled ages ago and then hid ~ just in case ~ But I totally forgot all about it.
Roll on Tuesday morning. I felt like my body was made of lead and I seriously could NOT move out of bed. I was well and truly drugged up to the nines. But I couldn’t figure out how because my weed was still in the bedroom ~ not touched. So that wasn’t it. But I knew something had gone on because one day its Sunday morning and then next thing I know its Tuesday night. ??? In my drugged up stupor I barely remember finding the klonopin. I thought I took two. But, now I realize I took the whole bottle. This is the first time I have ever ‘blacked out’ and not known what happened. I have been tearing this apartment apart looking for these klonopin but I just couldn’t find them anywhere. By this time, because of how horrible I felt, I realized I had taken all 30.  THIRTY! I know I have OD’d (on purpose) in the past at least 6 times but this time was NOT intentional at all. I was just so high I don’t remember doing it. (I had not smoked weed at all during these few 'lost' days)
It wasn’t until I went to change the garbage tonight that I pulled the bag out of the garbage container and there on the bottom of the bag was ~ you guessed it ~ an empty bottle of clonopin. (am I spelling it right? ) There was also a bottle of rum and an over the counter med for colds. Which leads me to the million dollar question,… What in Gods name was I doing??? I am starting to feel better now physically but mentally it scared me that you could do something so risky and  not even realize the consequences ~ or that your even doing it at all!
When I did finally ‘come to’ yesterday I felt deeply drugged, sicker than a dog and I had bruises all over my body. Hmm,.. It’s times like this I wished my cat could talk. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall to see what I was up to.
So, I did call my doctor and gave her the vanilla version. (Only took 7 or 8 & just felt tired and it wasn’t intentional,.. anything to keep her from putting me back in the hospital. She made an app’t for tomorrow just to check me out physically but right now, I actually feel a hundred times better. I have always abused drugs so this wasn’t what I would call an Overdose. (believe me I know all about those ~ and this time was different ~ It was a mistake,… end of,… and I would hope that it will never happen again.)
So, NO MORE PILLS except the Seroquel XR and the ciprolex that was PRESCRIBED to me. That’s all I have in my apartment now. I actually did the “complete sweep” of all meds I am not prescribed, and flushed them down the toilet. I know a lot of people won’t agree with me but,.. I think weed is much safer for me than pills are.
So now, with my empty medicine cabinet, I am taking this for what it was,… A scary mistake. What I don’t understand though,… is how does someone take 30 clonopin and still be here to tell? So, that’s it for me,… nothing but weed from now on.
Life lessons can be difficult and even fatal. I’m just lucky that there was an angel on my shoulders Sunday afternoon.
I’m embarrassed. Humiliated even. But, I am human and coming from a drug addiction problem for many years, it wasn’t the worst I’ve been through. But it most definitely was a HUGE reminder of how any drug can be dangerous.
I’m just completely grateful to be here to write this.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Welcome to the Asylum

Not coping. There. I've said it so it's official ~ When I woke up this morning I was not doing well. I was exhausted. I was mentally and physically drained. I have not been sleeping well at all.  I made coffee, slumped on the couch and knew that today was going to be ‘one of those days’. I knew my depression was bigger than me and I was not going to be able to function. So I gave in to it. This apartment could have caught on fire and I would not have been able to move. I was paralyzed in ‘my black fog’ So here I was facing yet another wasted day by Queen of Depression.

I know most people don’t understand my depression and social anxiety. Depression is full on mental agony. It leaves you in ruins. I like to joke that I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user-friendly. But the truth is I can’t leave my apartment because of my anxiety. And that really is no joke. Itleaves me feeling lonely and a failure.

My illness just rolls on to varying degrees over time. Today, I have dipped quite low.  

I can see that I am deteriorating. I can feel it. Hayley came for the weekend. This always makes me feel better to some degree. But this particular visit was actually a bit hard. I was not well mentally (but didn’t want her to know that) so it really was a struggle to keep it all together. I have to admit that once she left, I collapsed in bed and cried. It took everything out of me to ‘pretend’ to her that I was alright. It left me drained.

Mental illness really does take a hold of you to the point where you barely recognize who you are anymore. I don’t think I will ever find peace with the person I see in the mirror each morning. I constantly feel guilt and humiliation. That definitely takes a toll on you.

I have a feeling that there are friends of mine who don’t understand my ‘silences’ and have given up on me. That’s alright. I may have given up on me at this point too. I just want to say to them that,… I haven’t called because I’m finding it too hard. I am concentrating all my efforts into getting well. Sometimes just waking up, having coffee and then a shower is all I can accomplish in that day. Other days I can get up and do a lot. There’s no rhyme or reason to what and how much I am capable of doing. Each day is different from the last. And unfortunately, the past month has been difficult and I have been struggling.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Forward is better than backwards

I think the word for how I’ve been feeling over the past few months is ‘discouraged’.

I went into the “Homewood Mental Health Hospital” in August because of my deteriorating mental health. For the past two to three years I had declined into a state of never leaving my apartment and not talking to anyone but my daughters. I knew something had to be done as my life had shrunk down to a barely existing state. So “Homewood” was supposed to be my recovery.

But here we are 4 months later and I seem to have slipped back into the very state I worked so diligently to change.  A new diagnosis along with new medication was suppose to kick start me into finally getting control over my illness and life.

Today, not only has it not helped me recover but I seem to have regressed to where I was last year. I’m again finding it impossible to integrate in society so have reverted back to my agoraphobic state. Only leaving my apartment if it’s with someone I really trust and who knows my situation. Mainly my daughters,… My brother and his wife,… and my friend Amanda. Everyone else I have completely lost.  I do realize that this is my doing. I have purposely pushed everyone else out. As much as I miss them in my life,... I wouldn't wish "me" on anyone. (Being with someone with mental illness is hard work)

The depression has definitely worsened. Along with the sadness and hopelessness one feels with this illness, there are so many little things that stop me from leading a normal life right now. My memory is terrible. I can’t seem to concentrate on the simplest of things. I can’t manage to take care of myself properly in regards to daily household chores ~ meals, cleaning, laundry,… Each of these tasks at times seems to be unachievable.

My reality of functioning right now is completely different than someone else’s who doesn’t suffer with mental illness. I don’t seem to have the same tools and thought process and capabilities that a “normal” person would have. In fact, Life is pretty overwhelming and I can’t even begin to explain just how difficult it is to cope with normal everyday life.

So, yes, right now I am feeling quite discouraged. I want so much to be “better’. I want so much to have my life back but I just don’t seem to be able to achieve that right now.

But I haven’t given up. ‘Discouraged’ is not the same as ‘failed’. And as long as I still manage to get up every morning then I’ve made it through yet another day. And each day is a baby step forward. And forward is better than backwards.