Friday, December 31, 2010

It's 7:30 in the morning and I have been up all night. Horrible night. Sweating profusely but freezing at the same time. Shaking uncontrollably. Sitting here rocking back and forth. My mind is agitated. There's no way I can sleep.  Is this a panic attack? It can't be. It's lasted all night. Panic attacks don't last all night do they? I can't stand the sweating. I can't stand being cold at the same time. Weird, weird feeling. Am I getting physically sick with something? Like legitimately ill and need to see a doctor? Or am I just ~ what is happening to me? Anyone ever felt like this before? This is all too weird.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas (tears and sadness,...)

I want so badly to write that I had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends and had a nice break from my relentless and suffocating depression. But it would be a lie. And I'm sure all of you out there are going to be rolling your eyes thinking "God, doesn't this chick ever lighten up?" And clicking to close my blog.
But the truth is, I had a horrible time. I had to hear how my family was all getting together without me. I know now why my brother didn't invite me (even though we don't get along so that should be the sole reason) but its because he invited my ex-husband, his wife and my two children to his house instead. Charming. Not only that, My Mom was there as well. So,. yes, my whole family together without me. I feel so unwanted. So disposable. So,.. so,... oh god,... I can only cry,.....
I did not receive one present. I got one phone call from my youngest daughter Christmas Eve (but not my oldest daughter) No phone call from my Mom. Or my brother. I spent Christmas Eve alone watching old movies and crying. I slept in as late as I could this morning as I just couldn't bear sitting alone knowing almost everyone in the whole world is with family opening gifts. So woke up around 10. Sat drinking coffee and snuggling with my cat for the rest of the day, again, crying,.... I'm a mess. I just did not cope well with this holiday this year. I'm not coping well at all.
I can't sleep. This depression is dark, and severe and its totally suffocating me right now. I realize its really bad today due to it being Christmas so I'm just dealing the best i can. But I know I just can't go on feeling like this for much longer. I feel alone. Lonely. Unwanted. Stupid. Fat. Ugly. and not worth the air I breath. I started this particular depression two years ago and it has gotten worse and worse over the past two years to a point where I can't see it getting any lower. I'm already at the lowest I've ever been and see no 'help' in sight.
I need a miracle.
I need my family. But apparently they don't need (or want) me.
I need to get better. But I just don't know how anymore,.... (cry,... sob,... ) Yes, I'm a pathetic mess right now and probably shouldn't have written this blog right now but I have no one to talk to and I just need to let it all out or I'll quite literally go insane.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The power of kindness

OMG, my Aunt called me a few minutes ago. Shes the one and only person in my life who loves me regardless of my mental illness(s). She is going through a terrible time right now with two very serious illnesses in her family. I would love to help her out but she lives 400km away and my car is off the road.
Anyway, after chatting with her for a bit I suddenly had this complete meltdown. Tears, sobbing, couldn't talk meltdown,... That is the absolute LAST think I wanted to do because she already has too much on her mind and does not need to be worrying about me on top of it all. I tried so hard, but when she said not to worry about my family and that she loves me and cares I just fell to pieces. That is what I have been wanting to hear  ~ from ANYONE~  in such a long time. Especially now with Christmas making my being alone unbearable. 
She is actually my biological Aunt from my birth family. I only met her 15 years ago and we've been very close ever since. My adoptive family knows of her but my two brothers are very angry that I have a relationship with her. But they have to understand that I lived with her (and my birth mother, grandmother and aunts and uncles) for the first 3 years of my life before being taken away by Children's aid and placed in foster care and eventually into my adoptive family. This aunt was only 11 at the time and she too was removed from the family home and put into foster care. So we have this special bond that only we understand. So i don't think its fair of my adoptive brothers to be so angry about our relationship as they don't have a clue what we have been through. 
Anyway, My Aunt (I call her Aunt D) has been there for me through everything. Through my OD's, my marriage break up, my hospitalization, losing my daughters, losing my home, losing my family,... and she has stayed with me through it all. She has been the one and only constant I have had for the past 15 years. 
I usually go to her house for Christmas day but as I mentioned earlier, this year her grandson and son-in-law are both in hospital with serious illnesses so she is kind of giving Christmas a miss this year. Just having her immediate family there and for once she is not cooking a thanksgiving dinner. It will just be a normal day as they will spend most of it at the hospital anyway. Well doesn't she tell me tonight that even with all of this going on in her life, she has offered to pay train fare for me to go there and spend a few days with her. My heart melted. But of course I can't. She has far too many serious worries to deal with me too. But I'm ok with that as it was just the thought that she would have gone out of her way to do that for me because she knows how upset I am at not being invited to my (adoptive) families homes. So even though I had this massive meltdown on the phone, I actually feel a bit better now for it. Maybe I just needed to hear that someone cared. (??)
Anyway, Massive hugs for my wonderful Aunt D! As always she knew exactly what to do and say to make my day a bit better. 
(But this doesn't mean that I'm not still devastated that my adoptive family, as well as my own children, haven't been in touch and have not included me in their plans for Christmas day - that says a lot and it HURTS a lot,.... But right now I am taking things minute by minute,... hour by hour,.... I do admit that I am still having suicidal thoughts and urges but that call from my Aunt saved me to spend yet another day here on earth. The power of kindness and caring knows no bounds,....

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Feeling so fragile

I am feeling so emotionally & mentally fragile right now. I need support from my family and friends but they are still choosing to put their heads in the sand. Apparently none of them is admitting that they know I will be alone for Christmas. In fact my brother Glen left a message on my answering  machine saying our Mom had had a minor fall in the nursing home but shes alright and then casually said hope you have a great Christmas where ever you go. My brother has always treated me like this. He's a great one for sounding happy and "up" all the time. He makes all these caring gestures when he sees me (which is rare ~ about once every year if that) but once out the door I don't hear from him again until the next time our Mom has something happen that forces us to see each other. I KNOW he KNOWS I'm alone Christmas day because my two daughters told him about 3 weeks ago. He just doesn't want me there so he plays the 'happy' game acting like he cares and is happy to hear from me etc,.. when in fact I know he tells other people I'm a loser/fuck-up. Hes so fucking PHONY!!!
My other brother hasn't spoken to anyone in our family for 15 yrs so I know he's out of the equation.
Mom is in the nursing home now (she just sold her house where I used to go every Christmas but obviously can't go to now) And my brother Glen has invited her to his house for Christmas day ~ but not me. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I mean even if he doesn't like me, do you not think he would invite me anyway for my Moms sake? So we could all be together on this day? Nope. Not only is he NOT inviting me, he is pretending he doesn't know I'll be on my own that day. Hurtful,.. painful,... very painful,....
My mental health has deteriorated over the past few months so that I am really in a fragile state right now. And just ONCE, I would like my family to care. But they don't. Because my illness is a MENTAL illness that gives them the choice to believe they don't have to be there for me. If I had cancer or something equally devastating they would be around like a flash playing the concerned family. Because I'm suffering from a deep, dark depression right now that means they're allowed to turn the other way and ignore me.
I'm so fragile,... and angry,... and emotional,.... In short, I'm a mess. All i wanted was to spend one afternoon with my family and to feel wanted and cared about. I just want a hug and a few words of support. I'm just so fucking ALONE!
(By the way, I was adopted into this family when I was 3 years old so I think I have really bad abandonment issues ~ Like I feel like I'm not REALLY apart of the family ~ So I can't decide if I'm being irrational about all of this or if I have a right to be upset and well, feel abandoned,...) I just know I'm really, really HURT!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Been a few days

It's been a few days since I've written on here. It's been a bad week. The suicidal thoughts have been looming strongly in the back of my mind. I mean, really, It's Christmas and none of my family have bothered to pick up the phone to see what I'm doing. NOBODY invited me to theirs. You can't misconstrue that,... I"M UNWANTED!!!!
My Mom will be going to my brothers,... I'm not invited. My daughters will be with their Dad (he has custody) a 3 and a half hour drive away. So they can't invite me because obviously their Dad - my ex - wouldn't agree to it. So even if I did drive all the way to see them, there would be nowhere to go to spend time with them. Even my Aunt has let me know I can't go there this year. THEY ALL KNOW I WILL BE ON MY OWN! Obviously they just don't care. I must be a pretty horrible person - so totally unlikable- if no one wants to invite me - even if just for a few hours - to see them on Christmas day. No one can 'put up with me' for a few hours even????
It's so painful to know that I'm just that fucked up that my own family doesnt' want to have to deal with me. Even on Christmas day.
I thought of OD'ing but to be honest, I just don't have any 'good' drugs that would kill me. So instead, over the past week I have been taking large doses of my meds just to keep me NUMB! Enough that it lets me sit staring at the TV with no feeling at all. I can't bear to FEEL right now. Much, much too painful,.... So I dope myself up and veg,... And I will continue to do this until the holidays are over. I can't wait until the new year so I can just put this whole stupid holiday season behind me.
So as you can probably guess I am quite angry at my family right now. I'm angry, hurt, and terribly sad and disappointed. Why have they chosen to just ignore me even when they know I am alone??? It breaks my heart.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just don't want to be here

I have been all over the place lately. I'm so depressed I can barely do the simplest of  chores. My memory seems to be none existent. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself. (paying bills, doing laundry,etc,...) I feel like I am just sinking lower into this damn Black Fog that has been suffocating me.
I want to end it all. After all, this depression is a long-term, chronic condition with me that I have been fighting for 30 years. I have no fight left. I can't take care of myself financially so just 'existing' is costing me more than I have coming in meaning I go a little bit more into debt each month. (I am so sick of creditors calling me making me feel horrible)
But the reason I just want to give up is the way I am feeling. I do nothing. I am not capable of anything anymore. I'm like this big fat ugly slug that can't move. I'm so tired. So sad. So depressed. I hate myself and my life. I'm just done.
But I just can't bring myself to do anything because I am so afraid that I will get it wrong (again) and just end up in hospital (again) and it will make my life even worse than it already is now. I don't seem to have the right pills at the moment. (nothing too strong or dangerous) so I'm pretty sure they won't do the job. But I don't know what else to do. I just want to be gone. To evaporate into non-existence. To go to sleep and have all the life drain out of me until I am gone. But I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Too scared I'll fuck up again and it won't work. I'm too scared to die but too tired and depressed and worthless to live. I am stuck. I long for someone to knock on my door and say "There there, I am here to take care of you. Physically, financially and mentally,... You just don't have to worry about anything anymore - ever" But we all know that is never going to happen. I am alone.
I am forever stuck in this limbo of hell. And all I can do about it is cry,...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

feeling on the edge

This week has been bad. I know I have been bad overall for the past 2 years but this particular week has been worse than normal. Probably the holidays. I will not be seeing my family this Christmas. In fact, I won't be seeing anyone this Christmas. (why did I move so far away?? stupid, stupid, stupid,...) Plus, my money problems are piling up and stressing me right out. I'm totally isolating so I haven't been out of my apt in days. I only go out if I need to get something (milk, etc,..) I miss my daughters so much right now that my heart actually aches. I cry all day long. I follow them on Facebook and they seem to be all cuddled up nicely in their little family without me (My ex husband, his wife and them 2) It's like they haven't even given me a thought. I'm not part of their lives anymore. I would like to think I'm distorting this and I'm just being over-sensitive but I honestly don't think I am. I really do feel that since I moved away nearly 2 years ago they just slowly dropped me out of their lives bit by bit. And I have no one to blame but myself. I hate myself. I make such stupid choices that cause bad consequences.
My (birth) Aunt who has sort of been the only steady in my life over the past 15 years has said she is 'cancelling' Christmas this year (there's two illnesses in her family right now - not life threatening illness though) but now I find out she actually is having Christmas Day dinner - I just haven't been invited this year. I think it's a case of shes just sick of my being sick and doesn't want to deal with me anymore. (although I have to say, when I am with her I always try to be upbeat and bubbly and optimistic so she doesnt' see a lot of my darkness) So this is a rejection to me.
If my car was on the road (and it could be if I just put the work I need done to it on a credit card) I have no where to go anyway. My Mom is now in a nursing home (but will be going to my brothers home Christmas day for a few hours) and my girls live with their Dad. (so I don't think there will be an invite there!!) So even if I make the 3 and a half hour drive out there, where will I take the girls? a hotel? My brother won't invite me, and now my Aunt has told me shes 'not having Christmas this year - sorry - which is her way of un-inviting me as I have gone to her house the past 10 yrs for Christmas). So, not one invite,... anywhere,... so why bother fixing the car? So not only am I sad and disappointed about not being able to see my children Christmas day,... I feel let down and hurt that no one invited me to their home. They all know I will be alone. So either they just aren't thinking about me and my plans or they really don't like me or want me to be part of their family festivities. Either way,... It's hurtful and I'm taking it very hard. REALLY hard. No one wants to feel unwanted at any time but especially at Christmas. I"M UNWANTED! No one wants me to be a part of their Christmas.
I'm heart broken. Sad. Disappointed. let down. And that makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit that no one wants.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

words can hurt,... even unintentionally

This morning I had someone I love tell me in an email to “Try and pull yourself together.” I’m bipolar, have BPD and suffer with chronic major depression. If I was able to pull myself together I would have done it 30 years ago. This is not something I enjoy struggling with and don’t do it for fun.  And saying things like that  just makes me feel weak, a complete failure, because I can’t function normally right now because of my illness. Bipolar and/or depression is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain so can’t be ‘controlled’ by your brain telling it to get better. I don’t ‘act’ like this ~ I am like this,…. Through no choice of my own. And I have no control over it except through medication. . It would be like telling someone with diabetes or cancer to just ‘get over it’ So people telling me to pull myself together is in fact, quite hurtful. Because that tells me that you think I’m just faking it or that I’m,… what? Acting to get attention??
Believe me. I would give anything to be well. To be just like everybody else who enjoys a normal life. I have asked myself what my life would be like if I wasn’t Bipolar or suffer from depression. It is very hard to know because my experience spans almost 30 years. If I am honest, I have been suffering symptoms since I hit puberty. I have effectively been depressed for ever, at least as long as I remember. I think that there may be too much emphasis placed on first symptoms and diagnosis. First symptoms only come to light when they are severe enough to require treatment. In my case, it was a long journey to diagnosis from the first severe symptoms (I was a complete mess in high-school!) to my actual diagnosis in 1999 where a depressive episode lead to a hospitalization where they finally took the time to evaluate me after many years of struggling.
So in this blog, I am trying to write about how it is to be a sufferer of manic-depression. Being Bipolar means that you have to live in a chaotic mind. Because of this I need to live with a regime of medication and psychiatric support. My psychiatric support at the moment is practically non-existent, which is probably why I am so unwell right now. Really I should be under the care of a (local) GP (mine is presently 3 hours drive away), a good therapist and a good psychiatrist. Right now I only see one Doctor who I’m not even sure what his title actually is. His card says (M.D, FRCP(C)) But I haven’t a clue what that means. I go in every 7 or 8 weeks and he prescribes my medication – end of. I have no therapist. No counseling of any kind. When I see my family doctor my mental illness isn’t even discussed except to ask what medications I’m on for her records. So I take meds every bedtime. Right now it’s Seroquel but I’ve had many over the years. Anyone who has followed this blog knows of my medication problem presently. On them, I’m completely stoned and can’t function,… (Sleeping for very long periods of time – usually 12 to 24 hours at one time!!)  Off them, I’m suicidal,… It’s always a “lesser of the two evils” with me and so far I haven’t decided which is the better evil. But, for now I do remain on them.
There are actually different types of bipolar. I have been diagnosed with the one that sees very few highs and instead I deal with long periods of chronic, severe depression.
When you are in a ‘high’ ~ full blown mania ~ you have pretty well lost control. You think everything you do or say is sane and rational when in fact you are away with the fairies. For me, this usually results in acquiring a new tattoo which I now have 7 of,…(???) But I have been known to become very chatty, talking at a high rate of speed and not letting anyone else get a word in edge-wise. My last manic episode I painted the whole downstairs of my house in 3 days staying up all night to finish. But for me, the downs are the thing I deal with the most. Depression or depressive episodes are notoriously hard to handle. Everything can seem so hopeless and it is hard to carry out a plan. I become over-whelmed with life and the simplest of tasks become monumental. My world crashes down around my ears and I usually retreat inside myself and become paralyzed. Unable to function at all. So even though I have had long periods of time where I have lived a some-what normal life, there is still a lot of time that I am quite ill.
And I’m not ill because I don’t try to get better.  I am ill because of my genes and a chemical imbalance in my brain. So please, nobody tell me to “Pull myself together”.  I have tried that many, many times. It just doesn’t work that way. And it is just so hurtful to me when you say that. I can appreciate that you may get frustrated with my behavior. And I know most ‘normal’ people haven’t a clue what it’s like to be so depressed your paralyzed. Depression is a horrible, all-consuming disease.  It’s an exhausting struggle ~ but I am trying,…. I wish there were words to explain how powerful this disease is but I can’t think of any.