Fuck you Ontario Canada

 I attempted a last ditch attempt for help. Ontario Housing was in house for us to talk with today. I asked for a transfer - nope. Because it's not an emergency (and apparently being threatened isn't an emergency) so I would have to go on the wait list and wait. And the wait list for housing in Ontario is measured in Years - not months - 10 to 15 years. So i can't even transfer out of this hell-hole. I was told for sure the answer is NO. What else is new?

So I attempted to call 811 once again but lost my cool and ended up yelling "NOONE gives a fuck about me in this province and I'm fucking fed up of it all" So I guess i'm now blacklisted or banned from there. I just get sick of hearing these people tell me what the problem is but noone can actually help me,....

I am an invisable worthless piece of shit in this province

I lay in bed and cried last night as the pain was so bad I couldn't sleep.

I am done.

I called about MAiDs again - but no family doctor??? NO MAiDs,....

I just call over and over again any number I can I see on the internet that might help me get a doctor or health care and now they are just annoyed I keep phoning as they can't help.

But the who the fuck can?????

I cann't live int his pain any longer. I have already lived 5 years longer than I needed to,.... I need to die now. And if this fucking province doesn't give one shit about my healht care???? Then they can't say ONE FUCKING WORD when I commit suicide,....

FUCK YOU ONTARIO CANADA

Life is very different when you have no one in it. And after learning that I am not liked by anyone, life has changed even more. I no longer live by the same foundation I came from. Now that I know I am not wanted or liked, I have changed how I will live from now on. I was so hurt by my childrens rejection that it changed me fundamentaly. I no longer have the same beliefs or hopes or wants,... When you are brutally told "I don't want you in my life" by your own child, it hits a place so deep in your soul, it breaks you. 

I am no longer the same person I used to be because of it.

Now I have choosen a life of solitude. No longer wishing to seek out any relationship of any kind. Friendship,... family,... romantic,... I just don't have it in me to start up a friendship only to have them reject me and leave. Or worse yet,... use me just to grift stuff and then leave when I catch on and stop giving. So to protect myself - I am choosing to stay alone.

My future plans only include myself and my two kittens. I am choosing not to re-connect with anyone (not that they would ever want to) If I am to stop this emotional pain of being rejected by my family? Then I have to walk away and pretend they never existed,... that is the only way to protect my heart.

I no longer tell people I have children. If they ask, I will tell them about my sons. But no daughters will ever be uttered from these lips as their names are just too painful to say. If I am to survive in the future I have to change who I am and where I came from.

Now I am a woman - never married with no children and no family.

Today I bury them in a symbolic burial. My past life is gone,... they didn't want me, so I had to erase them to survive. The pain of having children - but never seeing them and not being wanted in their lives is JUST TOO PAINFUL to bear.

And my future plans only include me. I no longer live for the hope of an extended olive branch. In the end, that hope was making me ill.

Time to let go,...

I love you girls,... look what I went through just to bring you into this world. But you couldn't see the good in me. I was not perfect. Noone is. I was mentally ill. But none of that matters. It was ME you rejected. Just me. And I can't recover from that. So I have to erase you. Move forward as a dementia patient who can't remember a thing,... you are gone,.... "poooof" 

And I go to my grave knowing I was so horrible my own children couldn't live with me. All the great things I did for them growing up. Stay-at-home Mom,... but that means nothing when your a monster.

I didn't stand a chance

It really does make me feel like I was put on this planet to be an incubator for Jeff and Lorraine to have a wonderful life with my children. Can you believe my own mother actually hung a portrait of Jeff, Lorraine and MY CHILDREN on her livingroom wall. THAT stung so bad I never recovered. It showed my Mothers hatred of me and love for my ex's NEW WIFE!!! Betrayal. And once they had my girls there was no need for me and I was tossed away. Jeff made everything immpossible for me to get them back. I had no money to fight back,....  Mental illness used as the excuse. And he literally took my children from me when they were only 9 and 12 and they have never felt anything for me since. They were gone,... physically AND mentally,... the bond had broken and I was left with empty arms and an empty soul,...

I was an incubator ~ who went thorugh hell to have those two girls ~ but incubators are not needed once the girls were born,...

NOONE wanted me

NOONE wants me now,...

So why the fuck am I even here????????

If things don't get better by June,....

Sunday morning. March 29th,... Spring is not coming in like a lamb this year,... it doesn't seem to be coming at all. It is cold this morning. I had a good sleep last night which is nice as I don't have good sleep anymore. So I actually woke up feeling good. The kittens had me up before six. 

"A" knocked on my door again yesterday and I again didn't answer it. He must be getting the hint by now. I took the garbage out to the garbage room early this morning and I happened to look out the window while walking down the hall. "A" was sitting outside on a bench beside his bicycle. (not a motorcycle - a bicycle - in the snow). That is just weird. Who gets up on a Sunday morning and just sits outside on a bench in the cold?? ~ at 6 o'clock in the morning???  I am beginning to think this man has gone off of his meds. And that tells me I need to stay away. Which is hard. He is a wanderer and is all over the place. I can't do my laps without running into him. So now I am in the hall looking out the window all the time before I do laps. I actually look for him. Where is he? And he is usually out there somewhere. As long as he is outside - I am safe to do laps. But between him and Mark and Darren - it's like hide and seek. I am doing guerrila warfare tactics evading all these people when i am doing my laps. Ducking into stairwells,... just trying to see them before they see me so I can hide and avoid any conflict or drama.

For some reason my pain has increased quite a bit. I am popping advil and tylenol like it's candy. I don't know the reason why either. And pain does horrible things. You can't think when your in pain,... you can't concentrate on anything while your body is throbbing with pain. It's all consuming ~ relentless. No break from it. And it totally wears you down. If I thought I had a hit a wall months ago,... I now can't even see the wall. I am broken - in a heap - on the ground.

All I see in my future is pain and bullying.

I am making final plans for my trip to BC. I am contemplating ending my life there and not even coming back here. It is so easy to get fentynel in Vancouver. How simple and beautiful would it be to take an OD and slip into unconsiousness and then die,...

All the pain would be gone!

If things don't get better by June,.... this is the plan,.....

Finally free from the playground games of a troll

It has been about a month since I deactivated all of my social media. I thought I would miss it and feel regret. But I don't. Infact,... I finally feel peace. I closed up every single social media account I have except a very old FB game account which is ONLY for playing my game. It was never my main account. There is nothing personal at all on there. I have also set it to ONLY ME who can see anything. 

Everything is closed up tight ~ LOCKED

And I finally feel peace. I no longer have that nosy woman down the hall able to access ANYTHING. She is finally completely locked out of my life. And I have felt the difference in a big way. I should have closed up my social media five years ago when she started her bullying. Making fake accounts and sending horrible messages to me like it was from a stranger. I called the police finally a few months ago and they found out it WAS her. (or her son ~ it came from an IP address at their apaartment). And nothing I did stopped this woman from harrassing me. She was relentless and diabolical in just out and out being in every aspect of my life she could.

BUT SHE IS NOW GONE!!!!! and I feel brilliant about it. I really do wish I had done it much sooner.

But Tonya Halls wasn't the only reason I did this. It was just a complete hatred of internet - AI - scamming - nothing about social media felt safe to me anymore. It instead felt like an intrusion on my life. Getting rid of it has alleviated a lot of anxiety and I feel so much safer and protected from the trolls. Now they have to find a new victim. Who will be your new victim Tonya??? Cuz I am done with you!!!! My life is now LOCKED away where noone can access it unless you knock on my front door or phone me.

And it feels nothing but great. NO regrets at all. I only wish I had done it sooner. I am now FREE from Tonya fucking Halls

What the fuck is wrong with people?

It's just after 6 o'clock in the morning. I woke up to snow. Mother Nature YOU ARE DRUNK!!!! Stop the snow! I have had enough. The forecast said we were to get some nice spring weather for the next few days. Even going up to 18*. So waking up to a cold and snowy morning was a bit of a disappointment. Where is our spring????

I wrote on here a few days ago about my concerns about "A". The day after I wrote that, he tried to contact me about 6 or 7 times that next day. He knocked on my door two or three times (I didn't answer) He called me on the lobby phone (?) and also phoned me (I so regret giving him my phone number but didn't know how to say no when he asked - I really have to work on saying no!) He tried multiple times making me feel almost 'hunted'. I was literally hiding out in my apartment so he wouldn't see me. He eventually gave up and stopped. He phoned me again last night so I finally answered and said I had a migraine.

Roll on to this morning,... I am up bright and early as always. No other type of morning when you have two kittens needing their breakfast. After doing my morning ritual of brewing coffee, feeding the kittens, washing my face and brushing my teeth, etc,... I finally opened my front door to go out into the hall. It wasn't even 6 o'clock yet. But looking out the hall window at the snow I saw "A" out there walking out to the gazebo. I presumed for a smoke. I jumped out of the view of the window so he wouldnt' see me. But instead of stopping at the gazebo - he continued on to the building across from us where another smoker lives ("B"). "A" then knocked on "B"s door. WTF? It's not even 6 o'clock in the monring and "A" is wandering around knocking on peoples doors. You just have to wonder about this place. Did "B" call him over??? I doubt it. He must have just gone over there on his own. That is not normal and very inappropriate. But these people just don't seem to understand this.

I know why "A" does this. He does not have internet so his apartment is very, very boring. There is nothing to do. So he goes around to other tenants and invites himself in so he can watch tv and use our internet. I didn't catch on to this until my neighbour next door pointed it out to me. "A" doesn't want anyone as a friend - he just needs internet and place to hang out. He USED me. 

Living in this building is nothing but avoiding mine fields. You can't just 'live' here. It's like prison. You can never let your guard down. I let my guard down and "A" walked out my door with coffee, weed, a roll of toilet paper and most annoying - my phone number! WHY did I give? Becasue I was caught off guard. No more. Now I know he is a user and a grifter i will avoid him like the plague. Otherwise he will be knocking on my door at 6 in the morning,.... start as you mena to go on,.... and dont' allow him in. BYE BYE user,... you caught me offguard but no more.

My next door neighbour told me some wild stories about him and even came right out and told me to "be careful" around him. As a general rule, I don't listen to others opinions as I try and be fair and get to know the person first so I can make my own opinion. As long as they are nice to me - I dont' care what others think - I treat them nicely. But now - "A" has used me. NOW I can listen to the others and be aware. I also learned he is schizophrenic. I always knew he looked different. But looks can be deceiving. But now that I KNOW about him - I can see the creepy weirdness in him now. I almost wonder if he has stopped taking his meds. As he is behaving differently than the past 9 years I have known him. His behaviour the past week has definitely been eye-opening and caused me concern. But to see him knocking on peoples doors at 6 in the morning really showed me how he doesn't see others and how he bothers them - he only sees himself.

Just another reason to get the hell out of this building,....

I cna't stand living here anymore and I KNOW it will be the death of me one way or another. heat attack from the stress or eventual suicide becasue I just can't deal with it all anymore.

This isnt' a life. This isn't living,.... this is surviving. And I'm done just surviving,....

Very unsettling experience - how does someone get your old email?????

Something has been on my mind since yesterday and it's really bothering me. I have to get it off my chest. Many, many years ago I made an email account for a game. It was hippiechick63@_____.  I ONLY used it for my game which I dont' even play anymore. I had completely forgotten I even had this email. So noone knows about it as it's never given out to anyone. Strictly used for one game and that is all. 

Yesterday my friend A****n came over. This already is an issue as I dont' invite him. He just follows me around and right into my apartment and not wanting to be rude, I let him in. He's an acquaintance from the smoking area. He has been acting as my 'bodyguard' against Mark and Darren when I go out to the gazebo. Theres no doubt "A" is 'different'. But so is almost everyone in this building. We all have our own issues. But "A" is definitely unique. But I like him. He has never been mean to me and has always treated me nicely even when other didn't. 

Just before I moved to BC (which of course didn't work out and now I am back) I had an old PC. It worked great. But I couldn't put a personal computer in my luggage so I had to sacrifice leaving it behind. "A" asked if he could have it so I said yes. Why not? I can't take it with me so why not let someone else enjoy it. I format it (put it back to factory settings and I thought all of my entire content would be gone - but was it?) And I thought that was the end of it.

Two weeks ago "A" knocked on my door with a wagon and my PC in the wagon. He said he was giving it back to me. How nice. I thanked him and put it together only to find it has been corrupted. No matter what I tried I could not get into my computer. No password worked. I worked on this for over a day. Watching Youtube videos on how to fix this. But in the end, no matter what I tried, it just said this computer has been corrupted. (????) what does that mean???? Was he in porn sights or something and watching something he shouldn't have been? He never even told me it was broken - just gave it back. No wonder he gave it back - it's unusable! So now I am stuck with a broken computer. What do i do with this machine? I can't get to a waste dump site. So i think he just dumped this on me as he didn't know what to do with it either, and he didn't want to get 'stuck' with it so he dumped it back on me.

Anyway,.... jump to yesterday. When I started going back out to the gazebo, I asked "A" to come out with me so I wasn't alone and felt safer. He was fine with that. But unfortuanately now I cant get rid of him. He follows me around like a puppy. We go out to the gazebo but then he follows me right up to my apartment so I end up asking him in not to feel rude. I dont' want him in my apartment - but he seems a nice guy so I let him in. He takes a seat and doesnt move. Now he has started the 'grift' Can I have a cup of coffee,.... ok - seems harmless enough so I put on a pot of coffee. Coffee is very expensive so I only make one pot a day in the morning. When I buy my groceries for the month - that is all the groceries I have until next pay. I am brilliant at budgeting and can always stretch my supply to get to the end of the month. But each item is spoken for. I dont buy extra. I have just enough to get me through the  month. So grifting pisses me off. The people in this building spen

d all their money on fast food the first week and then they are broke for the rest of the month. The grifting starts,... can I have this? Can I have that? It annoys me that we all make $1408 a month. Some of us make more (not me) so if I can budget - so can they. 

Yesterday, "A" walked out of here with coffee, a quarter bag of weed, and a roll of toilet paper,... and he was only here for an hour. I didn't even notice what he had done until he left and realized "wait a minute,..." why did I give him that????? 

I am too fucking nice. People ask? I give,.... why???? It only ends up in disaster. 

But here is the creepy part,.... yesterday "A" asked for an edible of mine (I would never have the nerve to just ask for someone elses edibes - they are very, very expensive) and I guess it made him loosen up. And in a sing-song voice he started saying "Hippiechick 63" and my blood ran cold.

NOONE knows about that email so how does he? He was inebriated so he didn't realize what he said. but he said it over and over again,... Jacquie is a little hippiechick63,.... and laughed,.... while I froze.

HOW does he know about that email? I had forgotten about it years ago so how did he know about it???? Him getting high yesterday and losing his control showed me he is creepy. I got a huge 'creep' vibe. I made an excuse for him to leave and now I don'tknow what to think.

NOONE knows that email - so how does he?????

I think it's time to blow this guy off and stop being nice to him. He has turned out to be nothing but a grifter asking for stuff every time he visits (uninvited). Every time I give something away, I now dont' have that for next month for myself and have to go without. Everything I buy is budgeted and accounted for and if it goes missing - I have to go without. So people asking me for stuff really pisses me off.

If I have learned to live on a budget of $1408 a month - then so can the rest of the losers in this building. They just blow there pay on fast food and then expect us to feed them the rest of the month. 

I am not a store!!!! Stop coming to me for your toilet paper and weed and all the other stuff you need. I am not a store! And in the end - I dont get payment from anyone so it's not even a store. They just take!!!!! for free!!!!!

And then theres internet. He has no internet (he says he can't afford it yet I can) and yesterday he sat in here so he could watc h my tv.  I didn't want him coming here everyday just ao he could have something to do. Why don't these people buy their OWN internet????? And watch their own tv,....

Maybe I should start walking around asking people for everything. Can I have a dollar??? Can I have some weed? Can I have an edible? Can i have a coke? Can I have a roll of toilet paper??  The nerve of people galls me. 

THIS is why I am so unhappy here. I am not a person,... noone sees me for me. I am a source of stuff for the grifters that know I won't say no if they need it. But now I will. From today on,... I give nothing to anybody,.... I am done being used for my stuff.

NOONE sees me for who i am 

I am worthless to the rest of the world and a source of grifting here in this building.

I HAVE NO WORTH to this world

And that has left me devastated.

All I'm good for is grifting from,.....

Toronto,... this is the new seating for the stadium? It will collapse!!!!!

 I am a die-hard football fan. Soccer to North Americans. And just like every other Fifa fan, I am definitely looking forward to the world cup tournament coming this June. And to know some of the games will be played here in Toronto was exciting. 

Until I saw the temporory bleachers they have installed to bring it's capacity up to 45,000 seats for FIFA's requirement. Toronto? What were you thinking?????

Think football fans,.... wild,... loud,... and stomping on the bleachers in time to one another during exciting plays. Look at this set up in the picture. Now imagine all of those fans jumping up and down at the same time.

Is this going to hold?

I am seriously concerned about this tooth-pick looking set up. We have been assured it is 100% safe but I don't believe them. I am seriously concerned this structure will collapse under the weight of excited fans all stomping and jumping up and down at once.

I challenge anyone to go look up a good FIFA game on Youtube and you will see the fans are absolutely crazy with excitement and they are hard on stadium bleachers. I dont' know how many people that one stand is suppose to hold? But I am concerned.

And I am embarrassed that they had 146 million dollars and THIS is what they come up with??? I am embarrassed for Toronto. As a big football fan,.... you have let us down. It looks rickity. I don't think I would trust them. I hope I am wrong. I hope they are as strong and sturdy as they say. But if they aren't,... Toronto,.... people are going to get hurt,......

 

Fuck Canada I'm out of here

 I am so done with this country and this province

I need a doctor! Can't get one

Asked for MAiDs - won't give it to me as I have no family doctor!

I live in such pain I can't take care of myself anymore

Groceries are so expensive I cant even afford produce. I live off of hamburgers, cereal and chicken thigh on a bun. $130 for a month of food gets you NOTHING but HUNGRY!

I am one step away from HOMELESS

But noone cares 

I am worhtless 

I am invisable

I ASKED FOR HELP

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

But the answer was no

So now this country and this province dont' have a say in what I do next to escape this pain 

FUCK YOU Ontairo

FUCK YOU Canada

I am not living just to placate a no suicide law.

If I'm in pain and I get no help

BYE BYE

Fuck yOU Canada I'm out of here

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN AND SUICIDE IS THE ONLY ANSWER NOW AND I HATE YOU FOR IT!!!! i HATE YOU!!!

I'm done with this province and country ~ you dont give me MAiDs? I do it myself

I just got a call from Health Care Connect. The organization that is suppose to be connecting me with a family doctor. They call about once a year to update my profile but it never changes - YES, I still need a doctor! Today I thought she might have good news,... but no,... no good news. No doctor. Infact she said they are having difficulties getting doctors in this area. And she kept saying that she did offer me a doctor last year but I turned it down. Ummmm,.... that doctor was not even in my town and I have no car to get out of Fergus. She kept saying I know, I know you dont have transportation but we did find you a doctor and you turned us down,....

I lost my car becasue I was forced to go on ODSP which paid so little I lost my car,... NOT MY FAULT 

Now your going to make me feel guilty for saying no to a doctor I had no way to get to?????? Was I suppose to walk with a walker to another town????? No,... she kept saying it over and over. I was starting to get upset. I didn't show it,... I was all smiles and thank you thank you thank you,.... but inside I was fuming. How dare they make ME feel guilty for not accepting a doctor I have no way to get to,....

And this is my life all over. Hitting walls,... hearing no,... no,.... no,... I just can't take being so fucking worthless and invisable.

I just want out now. DEAD. Anyway I can. I was hoping for MAids but they won't even talk to me unless - wait for it - I HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR! Without one the answer is NO,... NO,... NO,...

And last night I lay in bed is such severe pain I decided I have hit my wall and I am done. 

Help is NOT COMING,..... I have been thrown away and left to rot in pain

I go on vacation in June and I may not even return,.... Vancouver. The home of the most drug addicts in Canada. One trip to the downtown eastside on my last day of vacation and one fatal overdose,....

Everything goes away,... the pain,... the bullying,.... the family hating me,.... it all goes away,......

I think this is my new plan

Take my vacation ~ just dont bother coming home,.....

Because there is no life for me in Fergus Ontario Canada

Infact i dont think there is any place for me,....

I am worthless and I am invisable

worthless

& 

Invisable

Is Vancouver going to be safe for FIFA?

I am taking my first vacation in 26 years this June. I am flying to Vancouver Island. I have booked a hotel close to my 2 cousins and plan on enjoying my well-deserved get-a-way. Even though it would be a dream come true ~ I am not actually going to a FIFA game at BC Place while there. The tickets were just too expensive and hard to get. But I generally find that going to a local pub or a fan-base area where they set up jumbotrons playing the games can be just as much fun. I haven't actually 'planned' anything yet as we are still awaiting any schedule of who plays who and where,... but I know I will catch some games. And I'm really looking forward to that. In the words of Dani Rojas (Ted Lasoo) "Football is life!".

But after seeing the news last night and the Iranian threat of retaliation on 'tourist destinations' I had to sit up and take notice. FIFA is probobly the biggest event that is going to happen in North America this year in terms of massive amounts of people from all over the world converging on one event. Football. Fifa is to be played in 16 cities across Canada, Mexico and the United States, with Toronto and Vancouver being the Canadian venues. 

Normally I would not even be concerned. But with the climate of what is happening in the Middle East right now and Trump being such a loose canon,... I have to be a little concerned. I am telling myself that IF anything were to happen it would more than likely happen in one of the 12 cities in the States. I really can't see Canada becoming a target. However,... I honestly couldn't see this war coming either,.... it just seems in this world right now ANYTHING could happen. So I am not concerned,... but I am aware and following the news. I am pretty sure I will fly out there and have a great time. But the whole trip will have an added concern of travelling during a war. But football is my life and the risk is worth it. I will definitely go. But I will be a tiny bit more aware when I travel this time. 

So roll on June 30th,... it can't come fast enough,...

Sunday mornings are "off-grid" videos

It's Sunday morning. I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube. Sundays are "off-grid" days. I follow a few channels of people living off grid. It's what I would LOVE to do myself but am now too old. I couldn't survive on my own with all my physical limitations. So instead I watch others and live vicariously through them. It was my dream in life,... but never to see,...

As I sit here drinking my coffee Molly & Murphy have the zoomies. It's quite a sight first thing in the morning to watch two kittens literally 'fly' through your apartment. I am used to it now. I just calmly sip on my coffee as these two run around chasing each other and having fun. It's the reason I got them. They are now about 9 months old. Murphy has grown into a huge cat. While my little Molly has remained a little peanut at only 6 pounds. I have zero regrets getting these two kittens. They have changed my life. They have given me something to get up for in the morning. But the best part? Cuddling. My last cat ~ Maggie ~ God rest her sole,... hated human contact so I rarely got to hold or cuddle her. But these two love sleeping on my lap while I watch tv. It's my favourite time of the day.

You have to remember that I have noone in my life. I have not touched or hugged another human being probobly since I hugged my cousin in BC almost a year ago. No human contact does strange things to a person. I crave contact,... and with these kittens, I get as much as I want anytime I want. It has softened my heart having these two cats in my life. They are expensive with all the food, and litter with me living on $1408 a month again. But they come first. I buy their stuff before I buy my own. I will starve long before my pets do. They always come first. 

I will  never regret having these two cats in my life. They are my life.

I sent housing an email about what happened with Darren yesterday. But with it being the weekend I dont' plan on hearing from them until monday. No drama since then. I just felt I needed to put it in writing to document to housing as then they have a "record". I also ran into two of my gazebo buddies and they told me they heard he treats his cat like shit. So if others are hearing this - it's not just me. Darren Green does not deserve an animal. I wish they would remove it from him but at this point I want no part of it and will never mention it again to anyone. Darren Green is too unpredicatable and dangerous to fuck around with. Just leave well enough alone and hope he stays away. I did tell housing that I do expect retaliation. 

The weather actually looks promising today. No snow! No arctic vortex! It almost looks like it will turn out to be sunny and nice. If it is, I need to get out!! I have no money left to go grocery shopping so I will just take a long walk. I have cabin fever so bad right now. I need to get out!!!! And hopefully today might be that day,...

I need to get out of this building

Living here is just one thing after another. I had yet another run-in with Darren Green about the same thing I had a blow up with him about last time - three years ago. His treatment of his cat. I was in the hall and heard him yelling. When I knew it was directed at his cat I stayed there listening. It went on and on and on and on,.... he just yelled at his cat! It was obvious he was just in a bad mood and taking it out on his cat. But when his voice got louder and more aggresive, I panicked and shouted through the door "Stop yelling at your cat", which of course infuriated him. Now he was hurling abuse through the door at me. So I left,.... but I heard his door open and him start yelling but I was back at my unit by then and just shut my door. 

I am so fed up of his rages and taking it out on his poor defenceless cat. But I am still feeling the effects of Darrens revenge after calling the Humane Society on him last time. So i didn't want to call again. So i wrote a long detailed email to housing and left it in their hands. I reminded them that there is cctv footage as we now have cameras in the hall. It's ALL ON VIDEO this time. NO DOUBTS and he can't wigle his way out of his abuse. They will all hear it!!!

I want darren gone. I want that cat removed from his care. I had a friend here once many years ago (K.M.) I was still friends with Darren at the time and one afternoon there was me, Darren and my friend "K". Darren spent the whole time talking about how he was going to buy a dog. A military dog he would teach to protect and attack (why?). Anyway, when Darren left my apartment, my frined "K" looked at me in concern and said "That man should never own a pet" My friend didn't know a lot of Darren. just a few visits here when he was here. But in that short time of knowing him, "K" knew Darren should not own a pet. Thats telling. I had said nothing to him about pets or abuse or Darren at all. It was strictly "K"s opinion after only knowing him for a short time.

So I sit here now knowing I will probobly never feel safe in this building now,...

Time to get the fuck out of this building no matter WHAT IT TAKES!

I don't know what to do about this smoking in the gazebo situation. It's just not working out. In the end, I don't want to sit out there with those people. (Mark and Darren). But housing forces us to. 

I feel so trapped. I can't stay in this building anymore. I don't feel safe. I am suppose to go out to the gazebo to smoke but I am not welcome there and they let me know!!! Noone wants to have to be couped up inside a tiny gazebo with people giving you the death glare.

I will be using the gazebo very rarely. I don't feel safe out there at all.

But housing can't help,... they refuse to give us a second place to smoke. We have two buildings full of people and we all have to share ONE smoking area.

IT IS NOT WORKING

Very few women go out there. The gazebo itself is disgustingly dirty. People spitting ont he ground after they smoke - so disgusting! It needs to be power-washed before any woman would feel comfortable in there. So in the end only myself and maybe one or two other woman use the gazebo. The rest of the women smoke in their units as they don't feel safe either. But I did the right thing and did not smoke in my unit and went out. All I got was abuse,... I dont feel safe,....

I don't feel safe!!!

Darren has decided he is too good for losing the smoking in his unit priviledge. Every single time I walk by his apartment he is smoking. When I was talking with housing about this whole situation I let them know that Darren has no intention of following rules and will continue to smoke in his unit and get away with it. So housing told me to write down every time he smokes. Um,... no thank you. This is a man who has proved he will retaliate over any little thing. You want ME to be the spy that gets him evicted??? 

Do your own fucking work housing ~ I am not a rat or a mole. I dont' work for Ontario Housing so why should I put my life in danger doing THEIR spying??? No way! If you want to catch Darren Green - YOU can do the tattling. I am staying well clear of that man.

The only way to resolve this issue is one of us has to leave this building. And in the end WHY should it be me? This is a perfect opportunity for me to 'tattle' every time he smokes and he will eventually get evicted. But will i do that? Absolutely not. First of all,... I have been homeless myself - twice - and I don't wish that upon anyone. Even Darren Green. it's INHUMANE. I do not want to be the reason a person loses their housing. I want Darren Green gone,... he has ruined my living here,... but I stop at making someone homeless.

So housing this is your problem. you dont' want smoking in your building? Yet you want us tenants to do all the dirty work catching them. WE DONT WORK FOR YOU - It's not our job to tattle. Do it yourself.

And I can't help thinking if it's that immpossible to catch someone - then maybe I should just smoke inside too,.... Housing has said it's near immpossible to evict someone without 'written' complaints to document. Like Tonya did to me for years (and I had to fight to stay here). If they threaten to evict me,... at least I have a case behind me I can fight it. I told them multiple times I dont feel safe,... yet nothing was done to ensure my safety. So I choose to protect myself and stay inside. But will i do this? No,... becasue I live here too. Why should I be trapped inside all my life due two men who are bullies????????

Life is not fair. And I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. My body is in so much pain now I can't function and look after myself anymore.

BUT NOONE CARES I can't find a doctor,... and noone cares,....

So I think it really is time to just disappear

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more bullies,...no more feeling like your the biggest piece of worthless shit around,....

It is time to plan,....

Come on Canada, I just lived on $16,022 for the whole entire year. No wonder I just want to die

Things have been grim. I feel as if I have been couped up in this apartment for years! It's only been the winter months but it seems to be the longest and coldest winter I can remember. Roll on spring,... I NEED to get outside! But even as I write this, it is raining out. And the temperature is dropping turning everything into ice. I won't be going out today.

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day. I actually did get outside. It was cold and damp but I just needed fresh air desperately. So I knocked on my 'bodyguards' door and we went out to the gazebo for a few minutes of fresh air. 

I finally got my taxes done yesterday. I am not by nature a procrastinator. But when it comes to my annual government taxes, I drag my feet and usually don't get them done until the last minute. There really easy for me. I own nothing,... and I live in abject poverty. So just as I figured,... I owe nothing,... I get nothing back,.... nil. I will take it. As long as I don't owe ~ I will just accept it.

But get this. In case anyone reading this blog wonders just how poverty stricken I am???? My annual income for the ENTIRE YEAR was,....

$16,022.00

And every person in Ontario on ODSP lived the same. It's a horrible thing to say and I never thought I would ever say this,... but thank God I got hit by a car two years ago as that is the only way I am surviving. And I am not surviving well,... I am just getting by. Infact,.. now that I have run out of the money I had from my settlement I am starting to hurt again. I did my monthly budget for April and already the money is all spent with nothing left over for groceries. I will either have to borrow from my cash I have saved up for my trip in June ~ or go to the food bank. 

Come on Canada!!!!!! Who can live on $16,022 a year.

No wonder people are using MAiDs at an alarming rate in this country. I WISH I WAS ONE OF THEM! I am so sick of poverty. So sick of having to walk everywhere,... so sick of no doctor,.... I am so sick of my life. Because this isn't a life

This is just surviving and not even barely,... I pray every morning with my coffee: "Please God,... I have had enough. Please just give me a heart attack and let me go,... I just can't cope with this life anymore,.... PLEASE just let me die and come home"

I am not coping

Today has just been a frustrating mess. I have broken down. I spend most of my days crying now. Watching tv and breaking down at every sad thing I see. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They rule me. And I seem to flip back and forth between severe sadness and anger. My tv and soundbar have been testing me. Every single time I turn on my tv - it doesn't work. I have to rip all the cords out to get everything to start up all over again - it's so maddening. EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch tv I have to fight with this. The second I turn my tv off - I lose the setting and the soundbar and it takes un-plugging,.... re-hooking up to the wi-fi (which is a pin in the fucking ass) WHY????? Why is everything I bought brand new Broken? I HATE THIS TV AND SOUNDBAR. I end up raging every morning tryng to get it to hook back up. Just that causes me to start my day so badly I can't recover and I spend my day angry,... sad,... hating life,.... This is not a way to live,... I am miserable.

While going by Darren's apartment during my laps I can smell he is blatantly smoking in there. I am worried. He knows it is me that got his priviledge revoked. And word through the grapevine is he couldn't get out to the gazebo fast enough to let everyone know! And he's not happy about it,... and when Darren Green is raging,... I am not safe. He will not forget about this as his life is so empty he has nothing else to do but sit in his boiling anger and get rager and rager until he loses it,.... I don't want to know what that looks like. I am so sick and tired of Darren fucking Green that I just want out of here.

I NEED out of here. And sadly there is only one way to escape this life and that is death....

I pray to God to give me a heart attack and let me end this suffering. But he doesn't hear me. 

The pain is getting worse. Unbearably worse and I am struggling to cope.

I am not coping

I just need to die

Canada's economy is so poor it represents a "Human Rights Crisis" I'm scared I'm not going to make it,....

I have been in crisis pretty much since covid way back in 2020. Canada has been declining and the people at the bottom of the ladder are the ones feeling it the most. Here in Ontario that would be the people on OW (Ontario Works) and ODSP (Ontario Disability). We are given so little that a lot of us don't even get basic needs. We are really, really struggling,....

I have felt it for awhile now. And I have to honestly say that if I had not been hit by a car two years ago and received a small settlement ~ I would be homeless right now. I do not bring in enough to pay rent, bills and groceries. I have to dip into my 'settlement' fund to get groceries. Once my bills and rent are paid there is NOTHING left for food. how sad is this country when getting hit by a car saved me,.... BUT,... that money is no longer there. It has run out,.... now I am scared. (I did put a small amount into a GIC but it doesn't mature until the fall and I can't touch it until then ~ but at least it is there for the future) 

I just heard that my CPP is going up 2%. A nice little break for us getting a few dollars more a month. But then I discovered that I don't get that raise. Why? Because people on ODSP are NEVER allowed to make more than $1408.00 a month. My total income comes from ODSP and CPP. With this 'raise' ~ I lose out becasue ODSP will just 'absorb' it and I still only get $1408 a month. WHY???? Inflation and the exorbitant cost of groceries right now effects me too!! CPP saw that we needed a raise due to this struggle with every bill we have right now and gave us a 2% raise. They gave it to us as WE NEED IT!

So why can't I have it,...? And that is what is wrong with this country and province right now. 

I am not exagerating ~ if I hadn't had a few extra bucks in the bank from my settlement, I would have LOST THIS APARTMENT months ago due to not being able to pay the rent. But ODSP still believes we all have enough and refuse to give us our raise from CPP.

This just stinks!!!!

Our groceries here in Canada right now are so highly priced I am eating HALF of what I used to. It's all I can afford in my budget. My settlement money has run out now and I am now starting back on my tight $1408 a month. That means living off of cereal, hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. I am so sick of eating the same cheap shit every day I could scream. How I would love fruit and veg,... and meat! I haven't had a roast beef dinner ~ my favourite meal ever ~ in about 10 years!!!!! YEARS!!!!! But those days are now gone,.... we are back to rationing cheap shit food I can barely afford. 

No groceries,...

No doctor,...

No fucking life,... 

WHO the fuck can live on $1408 a month. 

If you dont' think this country is in CRISIS ~ especially for the poor ~ you need to see this video. 

SHOCKING!

Please watch this video as our country is literally falling apart.

And us here on the bottom will fall first and hardest,... 

I AM SCARED I WON'T MAKE IT

FIFA is coming!

 It's yet another frosty day here in Ontario. I am starting to think this snow and cold is never going away. Longest winter ever,...

The kittens had me up at four o'clock again this morning. It doesn't bother me. I have no set hours or schedule. I sleep when I'm tired. I just made my coffee and turned on the tv to start my day. 

Youtube is a funny thing where you don't plan on watching anything, your topic sort of pics itself. Anyone who watches YT knows that you can go down a rabbit hole on one topic so easily. You don't plan what that topic is - the algorithum does. 

This morning turned out to be a day of football. As anyone knows I am a hige footy fan. I follow multiple teams on multiple leagues. Over the years, football has kept me sane. And 2026 is a big year as FIFA has rolled around once again. The tournament doesn't start until June, but I already know all I need to know before it gets here. And Youtube is a wealthy resource for finding out about anything FIFA.

It's going to be interesting this year as it will be played in both Toronto (where I live) and Vancouver - where I will be vacationing while it's on. If I wasn't poor, I could actually go to a game!! One in each city! What a life-long dream that is. But, as usual for world events the cost is so high that most middleclass folk can't afford it. But if I am in BC while it is on, then the sports bars will have tons of stuff playing. I will be able to find a game almost anywhere. I won't be there at BC Place,... but I will be in a bar close by able to absorb all the crazy atmosphere. My cousins are not soccer fans. But they might be by the time I leave. (or sick of it)

This weekend is also the season opener for the MLS. I have given up on Toronto FC. But I have been following Miami. One of my Manchester United idols owns Inter Miami and I have organically moved over there just with my interested in how this is going for him. I of course speak of David Beckham. And in following his career, I have grown a soft spot for Miami. So, maybe time to buy pink shirts instead of Torontos red?? The good news is that Apple has cancelled their (expensive - seperate) MLS app and is now just incorporating the games into the regular Apple tv subscription, which is much cheaper and I already have it. So I will be able to watch MLS games again this year.

My life is so boring and empty. Football gives me something to look forward to. Right now I am hitting the gold spot of football. We are still finishing up the Premier League (Manchester United) with MLS just starting. And FIFA is just around the corner.

Now,... I have something I love to look forward to. 

 

 

I want the 1970's back

I am a baby boomer. Born in 1963. I look back with nothing but fondness when I remember my 1970's childhood. I loved the serene 'no internet ~ no devices' era. And as I grow older, I am becoming more and more disillusioned with this modern world.

My rant all started because I received an email from Tiktok saying someone had tried to log into my account. Normally these are scammers but looking at the email it came from and then googling it,... I realized it was real. 

But I deleted my Tiktok account? How could it be around for someone to try and log into? And that is when I learned ~ after hours on the internet investigating ~ that Tiktok does not delete accounts. And you just have to google this to see thousands of people upset that they can't delete their account. The email told me to log in and check my security. But I deleted my account,.... didn't I? No,... apparently if you delete your account it doesn't go away. The minute you click on the Tiktok icon your profile immediately pops up and says "welcome back to Tiktok please sign in" and your profile is still there to sign in to,... I deleted that account 7 times yesterday but each time it re-opens immediately.

Tiktok is playing games. And this got me upset at how much the internet 'owns' you. A lesson learned,... if you open an account on any platform - it NEVER really goes away. I don't like that. 

And then, on top of that, I decided to look into buying a printer. I just need it to print out this blog so I can delete the account (but will it really go away?) so I don't have to worry about the "Tonya's" reading it. But that opened another can of worms ~ subscriptions. I discovered thorugh Youtube videos that if you buy a printer it will work for 6 months during the 'free trial' of ink. But the minute you try and print something after that trial runs out? The printer will not work. It will just spit out one piece of paper asking you to choose which subscription you want for your ink,... WTF? They force you to buy a subscription. You CAN buy the ink physically at four times the cost,.... extortion plain and simple.

Then I started seeing other videos about subscription fatigue and watched a few. I was shocked at the audacity of companies stealing peoples money through subscriptions. The worst I saw that day? If you buy a car with automatic seat warmers ~ you have to PAY A SUBSCRIPTION to use them,.... again,... wtf?

And there seems to be this overwhelming trend of buy a tangible material product ` but it needs a subscrioption to use. And they are doing it for everything now. I already pay a lot of money on subscriptions a month. Too much,... mostly streaming sites as my life is only about watching tv sadly so I need a lot of streaming sites not to get bored. 

Because you have to buy multiple sites to get what you want it all starts to add up. And after realizing this,... i have come to a conclusion. I am slowly weaning myself out of society. Cutting the tether of the internet and social media. I want to end up self-sufficient with no subscriptions except for tv watching.

I will NEVER buy anything that requires an internet connection to use. I am going back to basics. If it doesn't plug in ~ I don't buy it. The internet can be turned off in an instant and with it most people world goes silent. I want to be able to live like the 1970's. You buy somoething - it works for years without needing a subscription. I then went into my budget and widdled my subscriptions down to a much easier load to handle.

No more music subscription - I now just watch music videos on Youtube which I already pay for. (I actually gave all my CD's to TONYA! Wish I hadn't done that now)

I don't like how this new tech world grabs everything they can about you to use later,... and once they have it - they have it - no such word as delete in this society.

Another reason I am doing this is all the scamming out there. I just don't feel safe on the internet anymore. With AI ~ I don't know what is real and what is fake anymore and that is a confusing world to live in. I feel like the only phone calls I get are scammers and they are getting more and more sophisticated with AI. I don't feel safe buying anything anymore as there is always a risk of scammers interfering and hacking your sale on line.

So I am weaning myself off of the internet. Right now the only thing I use it for is my banking,... my blog,... and a game I play for an hour every morning. I deleted all my social media accounts (as best I can as I discovered they really dont let you). 

We live in a world full of fatigue. Subscription fatigue,... immigration fatigue,... (Canada has practicly given Canada to immigrants while those of us born and raised here go hungry and homeless),... AI fatigue,.... scamming fatigue,... this whole world right now just wears me out trying not to get scammed,.... it's every fucking day someone is trying to get my data and money!!! It's exhausting. 

I want the 1970's back!! But if I can't have that in true form,... then i will just create it.

Bye bye techno world - I am done with you. Back to reading, puzzles, and hiking,... unplugging from the grid and going back to a world where we didn't have to pay every month just to warm our asses with seat warmers that we already paid for through the sale of the vehicle,.... but now hve to pay monthly just to utilize,... 

I live in poverty. I cn't afford to pay a monthly subscription just to keep my printer running. 

I am shifting my life away from civilization and instead cutting the cord and trying to live 'off-grid' as much as I can. 

This world has become a hostile place for me now. I don't understand it,... I don't know how to navigate it,... and I seem to be failing at it. I can honestly say I don't like our world anymore.

I want my 1970's back,..... 

I fucking hate immature little gossips with nothing better to do than ruin lives,.... hate it!!!

I don't think anyone will be using the gazebo today. LONGEST WINTER EVER

I hate waking up in the morning. Because I know I have 16 to 18 hours of time to fill and I have nothing to do but watch tv and clean. I sit there knowing I have to live another day of BOREDOM and being hated. I really just wish I would have a heart attack and die. The monotony of 'nothingness' is getting unbearable.

At least today is game day. Manchester United play at ten this morning so at least I have something to look forward to. Even if it does only take up a few hours of my day. Life really has become all about finding stuff to do to combat the boredom. But with no car or transportation,... the winter becomes a secluded prison sentence hibernating inside my unit unable to go anywhere. With spring just around the corner I am hoping I will be able to get back outside and start living again.

I found something out yesterday. I have an aquaintance here in the building that I talk to every once in awhile. I knew she was gossipy, but not in a overwhelming way like Tonya Halls, but you do have to watch what you say around her. Anyway, yesterday I stepped outside of my unit into the hall to go down and get my mail. There ~ sitting infront of Tonyas door ~ was Marion. At first i started to wave,... but the look on her face stopped me. It was GUILT. Like she had been caught. She didn't wave,... she put her head down in shame and quickly went into Tonyas apartment.

So know I know ~ SHE is my mole. I have closed down all my social media to get Tonya Halls out of my life and yet here she is, using Marion to get info on me still,.... I am so disappointed in Marion. She KNOWS everything Tonya is doing to me and yet she pretended she wasn't friends with her while i talked to her. Now I realize they ARE friends - secretly. WARNIG bells went off instantly. It was the look on her face that said "I've been caught' that told me she is a secretive little gossip. 

And this has been a lesson. Now I don't TRUST ANYONE in this building. I keep my mouth shut and myself to myself. This place is a cesspool of gossips and addicts and alcoholics and mentally ill,... it's a mishmash of people living on the fringes of society. We all have issues and problems. So to have to deal with these immature little gossips is so fucking tiring,... everyday you have to be on alert,... what you say to whom,... it's like living on a playground.

But I have learned. So now all my social media has been deleted except my game account which is ONLY used for a game,.... Tonya no longer has access to my internet life. Becasue there isnt' one anymore ~ BECAUSE of her!!!! I RESENT that I have had to deactivate my social media. i certainly didn't want to. But I felt for my own safety and privacy I had no choice. It has worked - but at what cost? 

I don't understand Tonya Halls. What is the obsession with gossiping about others and making their lives miserable??? I just don't get it!!! WHY does she need to know everything about everyone???? I get so frustrated as I am a private person and just want to be left alone.

So fuck you Marion ~ you fake fucking friend working for Tonya,.... YOU were my mole all along. SO disappointed in you,.....

I absolutely HATE living here. 

Maybe it is just time to leave,....

and we all know that that means,.....

Missing my family

Well even though I am able to go out to the gazebo now ~ the weather turned and I had to stay inside. We have had the longest winter that I can recall in my 62 years on this planet. So much snow,... I am definitely feeling cabin fever and need this winter to end. I am desperate to get outside and start living again.

I had a meltdown yesterday. I was just watching a tv sereies. In this program they had a scene of the whole family coming together for a wedding. Scene after scene of happy faces,... people laughing and hugging and dancing,... everyone enjoying themselves celebrating a family members joyful day. And suddenly I saw my family,... and I was not there. I saw my daughters wedding. And it broke me,... all the things that I have missed suddenly hit me. My daughters proms,... weddings,... births,... all happening without me. 

I don't think anyone can understand the heartache that missing out on family events causes. These are events that only happen once. I can never get back the birth of my granddaughter,... that has passed and I was left out. Even if my daughters and I resumed a relationship once again,.... I would still have missed out on the most important events in my life.

THEY ARE GONE ~ I haven't even seen pictures,.... just events I was not welcome to. The sting of being rejected,... the pain of losing out is unbearable and it has left me broken. I can't even watch tv shows now as everything just reminds me of the life I dont' have. 

And why? Because I am not good enough for this society. I am flawed,... mentally ill,... a monster noone wants around.

And yesterday ~ my body just couldn't take that ache one more day and it broke. I was a sobbing heap on the floor. 

There is no lonlier feeling than not being good enough and told to go away,...

That is something I will never recover from.

And it leaves me wondering what is the point? If I'm just sitting here in Gods waiting room ~ waiting to die while my family enjoys life. 

Rejection is the most painful thing in the world. And I have been rejuected by everyone since the day i was born,....

I am so sad that I just don't want to be here anymore,....

I want my family,... but they don't want me,....

Unbearable

I'm back in the gazebo

I went out to the gazebo yesterday for the first time since Mark attacked me. It's been months. All fall and winter. But with the nice weather soon to arrive I have been feeling claustrophobic from being couped up inside all winter. I have been fighting cabin fever and need to get out. So when I saw the woman who runs Ontario Housing was here, I asked her into my apartment to talk. 

I told her everything

I told her it wasn't fair that Darren got to smoke in his unit which left me with NO smoking area as they have 'banned' me from the gazebo. She was surprized to hear that Darren has permission to smoke in his unit. I told her I thought it was 'two sets of rules' and he wins and every other smoker loses. I pointed out the inconsistency in their decisions. That 'J**y', a parapalegic with only the use of ONE HAND was told NO, even she is not allowed to smoke in her unit and was forced to go outside in all weather as a parapalegic in a wheelchair. Not fair,... but what could she do? YET,.... they allow Darren a 30 year old male who is 100% able bodied ~ to smoke in his unit. The inconsistency was glaring. 

NOBODY KNEW Darren was allowed to smoke in his unit. So she will be looking into it and probobly make him 're-evaluate' his permission. They will probobly make him get a doctors note to prove he is unable to go out to the gazebo as he is too 'disabled' (joke!!). There is nothing physically wrong with Darren Green what-so-ever so I told her it was shocking that he 'conned' them into allowing him to smoke in his unit when even a parapalegic was denied,..... two sets of rules in this building. It's been a major problem for years. 

Anyway, I had run into A****** yesterday and he asked why I am never outside in the gazebo anymore. I told him about Mark. He was furious. He had no idea. And do you know what he did? He stuck up for me!!!! The first person in this building to do that. he said he wasn't afraid of Darren or Mark and he will be having words with them. In the meantime he literally took me himself and we went out to the gazebo for my first time in months. Noone else was out there so nothing happened. But I am very nervous about when Mark and Darren are out there. I will continue to use A***** as my 'body-guard' until they realize I am not going anywhere and they will have to put up with me in the gazebo. Mark lied. he told me everyone hates me that uses the gazebo,... A****** just told me they didn't even know Mark had done that to me. ANOTHER LIAR in this building. 

Living amoungst the personalities in this low-income building has been quite a ride,.... Tonya Halls and Darren Green alone have made my life unbearable. And I told Ontario Housing ALLof it yesterday. I got it all off of my chest and I feel 100% better. To give credit where credit is due,... she listened and is going to send out a memo 'reminding' tenants that everyone is allowed to use the gazebo. This way, Mark will know I have talked with housing and he may will be apt to just leave me alone if he knows housing is behind me. In the end,... all i want is to be left alone and have no drama. I just want to be able to go  out for a joint in the gazebo without having deal with other people.

Darren Green - I called the Humane Society on you three years ago!!!! For God's sake just get over it  and let it go,.... It's ancient history and all your doing is showing us you are obseessed and can't let go. Revenge is you only goal in life,.... take a good long look at yourself in the  mirror Darren. No family - No friends - as youe raged and pissed everyone off with your constant bad mood and fits of rage. 

Now he has one friend left talking to him - Mark. Now that A****** knows,... he is pissed and telling everone about it and how unfair Darren Green and Mark have been to me. FINALLY someone not only see's me,.... but did something about it. 

So the gazebo issue is somewhat solved. I wont know for sure until I am out there when Mark or Darren come out,... that will be the true gage of where things lie. I am hoping everyone will just leave it all alone and we can all move on. But with Darren Green? King of revenge and hatred??? I cross my fingers and hope he is done,.....

I also ~ not intentionally ~ tattled to housing about Darren smoking in his unit which most definitely result in him not being allowed to do that anymore. But really - thats fair! if a parapalegic is told NO - then what the hell is so special about Darrren Green??? housing fucked up with that one. And now they need to remove his priviledge and he will have to come out to the gazebo in all weather ~ just like the rest of us have to do! 

I am not sure what todays weather forecast is,... but I WILL be going outside to the gazebo to smoke. And Darren Green and Mark Rathwell will just have to deal,.....

I am no longer allowing them two or Tonya Halls to ruin my life.

Fuck you,... I pay rent here too,... and I will do as i please,.... if they don't like me in the gazebo then THEY can stay away.

And finally I get to go back outside,...

We are expecting an ice storm today

 Finally! I feel like I have made good choices. When I got my settlement money I knew it wasn't a lot and it wouldn't go as far as I hoped it would go. Putting most of it into a GIC and forcing me to sit on it has been the best choice I could ever have made. It has forced me to really sit down and think about how it can help me in this precarious time.

Governments are not taking care of their people. Our helath care is in crisis ~ I dont' have a family doctor and it has RUINED my life to the point I now just want to hurry up and die because I live my whole life in severe pain!!! The funding for the disabled and poor is WAY TOO LOW and so far below the cost of living folk are choosing to die rather than starve on ODSP or OW. The decline has been happening over that past few years. Some didn't pay attention,... but I did. 

Once you have felt hunger with no food in your pantry or fridge ! you never forget hardship and you learn to plan so it never happens again.

So instead of buying frivolous garbage like furniture and fancy devices,... I instead took care of my end of life needs as I knew my family wouldn't. If I hadn't done this myself - I would have ended up in a paupers grave just like my Grandma Ida did. Again,... taking care of myself.

I'm planning my first vacation in 25 years. Booked and paid for already. Now I am hearing that air fares will be sky rocketing in price due to the war and the cost of fuel. I AM ALREADY BOOKED AND PAID! If I had waited to book it could have cost so much I wouldnt' have felt it cost effective and probobly wouldn't have gone. But now - I don't have to worry. Just enjoy it when it comes June 30th. 

But the biggest thing I have been doing is preparing for war and the loss of supplies in the future. I stocked up. I have a years supply of toilettries and about two months of food (which I will be adding to over the next few months) I am now buying powdered versions (milk, bouillon,...) so if I can't get out to get fresh I will have powdered for back up. My whole struggle in life is NOT being able to access  basic needs. So this has helped me. Instead of panicing over when I can finally get out to get all this stuff ~ it is done.

All of this with the new generator has me feeling relaxed. I haven't felt safe and relaxed in a very, very long time. 

And today the ice storm is coming,.... so I sit back and smile. While others will end up sitting in the cold and dark - I will have power to run the heater and the kettle and coffee maker and most importantly for me - the tv so I dont' get bored. 

Roll on ice storm!! I am ready for you!

For once I am prepared

Another night of not being able to stay asleep. It has become a pattern now. Go to bed early. Anywhere between 8 and 10:00pm. I used to be a night owl all of my life going to bed quite late. But lately, I am so bored and in so much pain, I go to bed early just for the escape. Life is bearable when your asleep. It's only when I'm awake I am miserable. I woke up at 3:30am and I have been up ever since. My world no longer has a concept of time. I rarely go outside my apartment so I live in a cocoon. Theres no need for time in my life,.... nowhere to go,... noone to see,... just 24 hours a day of boredom watching tv and sleeping. 

There is no point to my life anymore. I am just sitting in God's waiting room ~ waiting to die.

I did get out yesterday though. For the first time in awhile. It was suppose to be really warm (although I found out it wasn't) so I decided to walk to Walmart, the dollar store and Freshco. My cupboards have very little in them which is ok normally. I don't eat much anymore. But after watching the news over the weekend seeing the start of the Iranian war, I knew that in the next few weeks there would be changes that would ripple all around the world. I suffered during covid as I couldn't get out to get food. And when I did finally manage to get out to a grocery store ~ everything was gone. There was nothing left that I needed. So when the world starting tilting over the past month,... I started getting nervous. I know that the first thing people in the world notice, is the loss of the supply chain. Deliveries over goods and services get slowed down or stopped all together due to world issues. I'm not saying that I am concerned war will reach Canada and I will have to protect myself as I really dont' believe combat will ever see Canada. I feel safe physically. I am nervous about supply and deliveries causing me to be unable to get what I need. I wanted to stock up before the shelves started dwindling. That is all. I wanted to feel safe if another covid -like situation hit. I would rather be stocked up and never have to use it than not and then something happens where I can't get groceries again. 

So yesterday I was able to get everything I needed. And the stuff i couldn't, I ordered off of Amazon which is arriving today. Once that is delivered, I have about 4 - 6  months of everything I need (except produce and meat and other perishables). I know it seemed silly to panic but once hungry - you never forget. Now,... I feel like I can relax. I have everything I need and then some. THAT makes me feel safe.

My power source (generator) arrived yesterday and I have got it all charged up ready to go. We are actually expecting an ice storm here in Ontario in the next day or two so I got it just in time. We almost always lose power in an ice storm. The power source I got is not a big one. It isn't designed to power a whole cabin or anything. You would need one of the bigger heavy duty ones for that. This one is meant for power outages. Gives me enough power to have the heater running,... to power the kettle or coffee maker. It will even run the tv with a DVD player for 4 hours. People living in Ontario are well aware power outages. We see a few during most winters. I have always wanted a back up power source because of this and now I have one. This too, makes me feel safe. 

So just getting that and stocking up my cupboards has alleviated my anxiety. Now, I can sit back and just chill. If this war makes getting supplies hard in the future ~ it wont effect me. I have everything I need now and for the next few months. 

Anxiety is a horrible thing. So if I can stop it by preparing, I will. Small thing to do for peace.

Please God,... Please make me die!!!!

It's early. Really early. I don't sleep much anymore. I was awake before the cats this morning. I spend a lot of mornings in the dark before the sun has risen. Do I not sleep because of natural reasons? I'm older now? Or do I not sleep because I am so unsettled? Whatever the reason, I average about four hours sleep a night now. No wonder I always feel so draggy. But with nothing to do all day but sit on my ass and watch tv, I don't expend any energy so my body gets little exercise. I don't know what that does to your body physically, but I can tell you what it feels like. When you have nothing to do all day, It feels like your body is storing up all that adrenaline. By the end of the day, my body has too much. I can feel the need for my body to get up and move. So I walk the halls a few times a day,... some days it's so bad I find myself pacing. My body feels over-stimulated. I constantly shake my leg,... shake, shake, shake,... I can never fully sit still.

I need to DO STUFF during the day. It not only expends all this energy/addrenaline, but it also gets me out of that apartment ~ my prison ~ and my mind gets to do and see stuff. A change is as good as a rest,... my Nana used to say. 

I am so bored!!!! My mind is turning to mush,... my body going slack,... I am an empty vessel waiting to die,...

This winter has been the longest winter I have known. It has been the coldest with temps at minus 50 some days!! And snow never stopped falling,... It was the worst winter I can remember in my life. And I felt it's impact even more as it left me trapped in my apartment unable to get out. I have never had cabin fever so bad as I did this winter,...

I NEED TO GET OUT

I really do need to get out of Fergus and into a city with transportation but as I have tried for the past 5 years,... there is no place to move. 

No transportation means isolation and that has turned me into a recluse.

I no longer even feel human anymore. Just a vessel waiting to die,...

So please God,... please just let me die,...

War is much more terrifying when you are a recluse alone

When you live alone as a recluse you have noone talk to. When something is bothering me I have to blog it, as I have noone in my life to get their opinion on things. Noone to share my concerns or worries,...I am completely alone. And that isn't always a good thing when the world seems to be immploding. 

I talk of world war 3

I have been watching everything unfold with the rest of the world wondering what on earth is going to happen. For the first time in my life I feel uneasy. Trump is so destructive and unpredicatable  ~ It's like the world is going mad.

But yesterday I read something that scared me to death. The Canadian Government put out a warning. "Iran is set to attack Canada with cyber attacks". Up until now I have not feared any 'combat' on Canadian soil. I had not thought of cyber attacks. This warning made me so nervous I immediately went on-line and closed down all my accounts. I have de-activated Facebook. Apparently the Iranian attackers go after personal profiles with many friends so they can take them over and then post all their propoganda on that hi-jacked account. They also warned that Iran has already warned Canadian banks to be prepared for cyber attacks. This makes me worry about the only money I own which is sitting in a GIC in a Canadian bank. It terrifies me to think that the Iranians can go into my bank and delete or sabotage my account stealing my money. It sounds so paranoid but reading the news ~ very possible.

And throughout all of this ~ I am alone. I have noone to talk to. Noone to plan with,... so I am planning on my own.

Firstly I shut down all my social media. Already done.

Then I bought a back up power source. Everyone on Youtube is talking about being prepared for a cyber attack on the grid. Electricity being shut down. Internet unavailable,... NONE of this stuff is likely to happen,... but if it does,... I am going to be prepared.

I ordered a small back up power source. IF the power goes out - I will have a back up. Nothing big and expensive. Just a small unit that can power the kettle,... the coffee maker,... a hot plate,... and my tv and DVD player. I can also use it for my heater and fan if things get too cold or hot. In other words. If I find myself in a prolonged black out ~ I want to be comfortable. During covid I really suffered not being prepared. I will not let that happen this time.

So I have made a 'preperation' list.

Back up generator for electricity,... arriving today via Amazin. Start taking out cash as much as I can from the bank,... (when the grid shuts down no internet or ATM's will be working). I have made a list of things I still need to buy. A chargable radio that doesn't need internet. And can be hand cranked to work,... I am starting to stock pile my pantry as well. During covid I learned the first thing to break down is the shipping industry so suddenly the shelves in grocery stores are bare. I am stock piling now so this won't happen to me again. I actually went hungry during covid not able to get groceries.

I have to admit that I am scared. I have no idea what the future holds with this new war. And I am all alone. Noone to talk to about it. Noone to alleviate my anxiety. I tried sleeping last night,... but I kept waking up. This cyber attack and this new war playing over and over again in my head. The uncertainty is leaving me unsettled.

Planning is the only thing I can do. I can't change the war,... but I CAN be prepared if it gets worse. If we go off grid ~ I want to be comfortable. I want heat,... to be able to cook and make coffee,... to be able to watch tv on my DVD player (probobly onwt be any internet) 

I hate what this world has become. My life is already hard enough with pain and poverty. Now, I have to deal with Trump and his destruction of the world. 

Noone knows the outcome of this new war. But i hope and pray it never reaches Canadian soil. But if it does,... I am going to be prepared this time. 

But while it's happening? I hate that I am all alone,....