Fuck you Ontario Canada

 I attempted a last ditch attempt for help. Ontario Housing was in house for us to talk with today. I asked for a transfer - nope. Because it's not an emergency (and apparently being threatened isn't an emergency) so I would have to go on the wait list and wait. And the wait list for housing in Ontario is measured in Years - not months - 10 to 15 years. So i can't even transfer out of this hell-hole. I was told for sure the answer is NO. What else is new?

So I attempted to call 811 once again but lost my cool and ended up yelling "NOONE gives a fuck about me in this province and I'm fucking fed up of it all" So I guess i'm now blacklisted or banned from there. I just get sick of hearing these people tell me what the problem is but noone can actually help me,....

I am an invisable worthless piece of shit in this province

I lay in bed and cried last night as the pain was so bad I couldn't sleep.

I am done.

I called about MAiDs again - but no family doctor??? NO MAiDs,....

I just call over and over again any number I can I see on the internet that might help me get a doctor or health care and now they are just annoyed I keep phoning as they can't help.

But the who the fuck can?????

I cann't live int his pain any longer. I have already lived 5 years longer than I needed to,.... I need to die now. And if this fucking province doesn't give one shit about my healht care???? Then they can't say ONE FUCKING WORD when I commit suicide,....

FUCK YOU ONTARIO CANADA

Life is very different when you have no one in it. And after learning that I am not liked by anyone, life has changed even more. I no longer live by the same foundation I came from. Now that I know I am not wanted or liked, I have changed how I will live from now on. I was so hurt by my childrens rejection that it changed me fundamentaly. I no longer have the same beliefs or hopes or wants,... When you are brutally told "I don't want you in my life" by your own child, it hits a place so deep in your soul, it breaks you. 

I am no longer the same person I used to be because of it.

Now I have choosen a life of solitude. No longer wishing to seek out any relationship of any kind. Friendship,... family,... romantic,... I just don't have it in me to start up a friendship only to have them reject me and leave. Or worse yet,... use me just to grift stuff and then leave when I catch on and stop giving. So to protect myself - I am choosing to stay alone.

My future plans only include myself and my two kittens. I am choosing not to re-connect with anyone (not that they would ever want to) If I am to stop this emotional pain of being rejected by my family? Then I have to walk away and pretend they never existed,... that is the only way to protect my heart.

I no longer tell people I have children. If they ask, I will tell them about my sons. But no daughters will ever be uttered from these lips as their names are just too painful to say. If I am to survive in the future I have to change who I am and where I came from.

Now I am a woman - never married with no children and no family.

Today I bury them in a symbolic burial. My past life is gone,... they didn't want me, so I had to erase them to survive. The pain of having children - but never seeing them and not being wanted in their lives is JUST TOO PAINFUL to bear.

And my future plans only include me. I no longer live for the hope of an extended olive branch. In the end, that hope was making me ill.

Time to let go,...

I love you girls,... look what I went through just to bring you into this world. But you couldn't see the good in me. I was not perfect. Noone is. I was mentally ill. But none of that matters. It was ME you rejected. Just me. And I can't recover from that. So I have to erase you. Move forward as a dementia patient who can't remember a thing,... you are gone,.... "poooof" 

And I go to my grave knowing I was so horrible my own children couldn't live with me. All the great things I did for them growing up. Stay-at-home Mom,... but that means nothing when your a monster.

I didn't stand a chance

It really does make me feel like I was put on this planet to be an incubator for Jeff and Lorraine to have a wonderful life with my children. Can you believe my own mother actually hung a portrait of Jeff, Lorraine and MY CHILDREN on her livingroom wall. THAT stung so bad I never recovered. It showed my Mothers hatred of me and love for my ex's NEW WIFE!!! Betrayal. And once they had my girls there was no need for me and I was tossed away. Jeff made everything immpossible for me to get them back. I had no money to fight back,....  Mental illness used as the excuse. And he literally took my children from me when they were only 9 and 12 and they have never felt anything for me since. They were gone,... physically AND mentally,... the bond had broken and I was left with empty arms and an empty soul,...

I was an incubator ~ who went thorugh hell to have those two girls ~ but incubators are not needed once the girls were born,...

NOONE wanted me

NOONE wants me now,...

So why the fuck am I even here????????

If things don't get better by June,....

Sunday morning. March 29th,... Spring is not coming in like a lamb this year,... it doesn't seem to be coming at all. It is cold this morning. I had a good sleep last night which is nice as I don't have good sleep anymore. So I actually woke up feeling good. The kittens had me up before six. 

"A" knocked on my door again yesterday and I again didn't answer it. He must be getting the hint by now. I took the garbage out to the garbage room early this morning and I happened to look out the window while walking down the hall. "A" was sitting outside on a bench beside his bicycle. (not a motorcycle - a bicycle - in the snow). That is just weird. Who gets up on a Sunday morning and just sits outside on a bench in the cold?? ~ at 6 o'clock in the morning???  I am beginning to think this man has gone off of his meds. And that tells me I need to stay away. Which is hard. He is a wanderer and is all over the place. I can't do my laps without running into him. So now I am in the hall looking out the window all the time before I do laps. I actually look for him. Where is he? And he is usually out there somewhere. As long as he is outside - I am safe to do laps. But between him and Mark and Darren - it's like hide and seek. I am doing guerrila warfare tactics evading all these people when i am doing my laps. Ducking into stairwells,... just trying to see them before they see me so I can hide and avoid any conflict or drama.

For some reason my pain has increased quite a bit. I am popping advil and tylenol like it's candy. I don't know the reason why either. And pain does horrible things. You can't think when your in pain,... you can't concentrate on anything while your body is throbbing with pain. It's all consuming ~ relentless. No break from it. And it totally wears you down. If I thought I had a hit a wall months ago,... I now can't even see the wall. I am broken - in a heap - on the ground.

All I see in my future is pain and bullying.

I am making final plans for my trip to BC. I am contemplating ending my life there and not even coming back here. It is so easy to get fentynel in Vancouver. How simple and beautiful would it be to take an OD and slip into unconsiousness and then die,...

All the pain would be gone!

If things don't get better by June,.... this is the plan,.....

I had to get this off my chest,....

I am doing something that I am not proud of. I am doing it out of absolute necessity to get Darren Green out of my life FOREVER.

He has been told by housing he no longer has smoking priviledges inside his unit and that he now has to smoke outside in the gazebo with everyone else. I know Darren Green better than anyone else in this building. And I know for a fact that he does not follow rules. He blatantly believes that he is not in the circle of people who have to follow rules. He actually believes he can still smoke in his unit and noone will know. I know from the past that he got a tension rod and a very thick curtain which he hangs over his door so he THINKS noone can smell the smoke. This gives him a false security to smoke in his unit. But I don't fall for his bullshit. I know exactly when he is smoking. YOU CAN STILL SMELL IT. It's marijuanna!!!! you can't hide the smell! But the obvious give away for  him, is his coughing. He is so greedy he smokes bowls that are too big and have too many THC products in that one bowl. So when he smokes it ~ he can't handle it and he has a mother of a coughing fit every single time, to the point he sometimes vomits. And THIS is what gives him away. Right now he goes out to the gazebo one or two times a day ~ JUST TO MAKE IT LOOK GOOD. Like he is going out. But a weed addict smokes every hour if not more. So I know him and I KNOW he will be smoking all day long in that unit.

So I gave this a think. I am normally not a person who deliberately does stuff to hurt someone else. And believe it or not, I dont feel good about making soomeone homeless. WHO WOULD? But Darren Green is running my life here in this building. He is dictating when I can and can't be in the gazebo. He even sicked his 6 foot 7 body guard on me to say "or else". And I took this,... and stayed away. I was more afraid of Mark than Darren, but either way I was not welcome and told to stay out or else!!! But no more. Now I have a chance to actually get him GONE from this building completely. EVICTED. GONE. OUT OF MY LIFE,.... so I am absorbing the guilt and my moral compass and saying fuck it. This kid is evil and I want him out of my life FOREVER. And this is a LEGAL way to do it without having to go through all the bullshit peace bond through the police. 

So I'm saying fuck you Darren - you have ruined my life living here. Now I turn the tables on you and now I call the shots,... you dont scare me. Your 5 foot 2 inches tall and about 100 pounds soaking wet. Your a weasle. A grifter. A coward who hides after he destructs someone,...An evil rager who harms his cat,..... your a waste of fucking BREATH.

FUCK YOU DARREN,.... 

I have written him up for his smoking about 6 times already and it's only been a few weeks. Once he gets his first - and then second warning, and he still continues to smoke in his unit he won't get a third chance. He WILL get evicted. And I for one will be the first to stand up and clap that the evil fucker who abuses his cat is now homeless. I can feel comfort in the fact that he DID GET 2 WARNINGS and still didn't comply becasue he thinks he is special and doesn't have to. So Thats on HIM!

It sounds like I am a bad person. But if you had been through what I have been through with this kid - AFTER I only ever tried to be like a MOM to him. He turned on me and tried to get Maggie taken away from me and then tried to get me evicted,....

And if your still feeling like I am being mean? Hear this,... This is a man who takes the glass from a hurrican lamp - put his cats head in one end and then blows marijuanna smoke into the glass from the other end FORCING the cat to get a facefull of marijuanna smoke. He has also told me that to dicipline him he grabs him by the scruff and takes him into the bathroom and runs the bathtub water and puts his cats head under the water. He joked while telling me this,... "I like to show him who is boss" The level of control I had to show when he told me these two stories made me sick inside. But I had to smile and pretend what he said was normal. IT WAS NOT. This man has no empathy for animals,..... I was HORRIFIED. This kid (I even stop short of calling him a man) is just evil. He has no right owning a pet!!!!!!

And heres one he could probobly have been arrested for,... apparently when covid was here and rampant, Tonya had  a planned vacation booked. So Darren - WHO HAD COVID AT THE TIME - purposely coughed into his hand and then wiped it on Tonya Halls doorknob. He laughed telling me this too,... He wanted her to catch covid so she couldn't go on holiday. Just mean,... just revengeful mean behaviour.

Another time - our 93 year old neighbour who lives beside him, got her son to knock on Darrens door to tell him to stop raging and be quieter. He told her to "go fuck yourself". A 93 year old lady who does nothing to nobody just asked him to be quiet and he told her to go fuck herself. NO RESPECT for anyone but himself. The cops were called and it all ended in chaos just like everything does when Darren Green is involved.

He once told me him and his one and only girlfriend he has ever had, had a fight and she shot herself in the face with a BB gun. I wasn't there so I dont' know the ins and outs. But I do know that Darrens rages are terrifying and I'm sure she was just doing what she needed to do to get away from him and one of his rages.

He said in public school (when your just a kid) he had to have a special needs teacher (one on one) with him at all times due to his behavoural problems. He said he used to throw desks at teachers!!!! And he laughed at this while telling me. This does not sound like a nice stable kid - he sounded like a nightmare. 

knowing all of this I dont feel so bad doing what I'm doing,.... So that means gloves are off asshole

YOUR FUCKING GOING DOWN AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO DO IT. And when your evicted? I hope the humane society takes that poor little cat from you. It deserves so much better.

Still feel like the Gangster you think you are????? 

And to you Darren if you ever read this??? Just remember, it's only slander if it's not true. This is your reckoning. Take a good long look in the mirror. Your a selfish person who hates the world and is never, ever happy,.... I hated you coming to my apartment in the end there as you were just so miserable. Nothing made you happy and all you did was complain. You had fits of rage in my apartment leaving me scared to be in my own home!!!!! I had been talking to K*** about how I was wanting to get you out of my life and I had plans to make our visits shorter and furthur in between petering out our friendship completely until I never had to hang out with you again. I was slowly dropping you. Until you terrorized your cat that day and I was forced to call the police.

I feel bad about making anyone homeless. But in this case - YOU did it yourself. You got two warnings and your entitled brain told you you still didn't have to follow the rules we all had to follow. Your not special Darren,.... you smoked in your unit? You got evicted,... It's all on YOU!!!!

And i for one will rejoice!!!!!

Finally free from the playground games of a troll

It has been about a month since I deactivated all of my social media. I thought I would miss it and feel regret. But I don't. Infact,... I finally feel peace. I closed up every single social media account I have except a very old FB game account which is ONLY for playing my game. It was never my main account. There is nothing personal at all on there. I have also set it to ONLY ME who can see anything. 

Everything is closed up tight ~ LOCKED

And I finally feel peace. I no longer have that nosy woman down the hall able to access ANYTHING. She is finally completely locked out of my life. And I have felt the difference in a big way. I should have closed up my social media five years ago when she started her bullying. Making fake accounts and sending horrible messages to me like it was from a stranger. I called the police finally a few months ago and they found out it WAS her. (or her son ~ it came from an IP address at their apaartment). And nothing I did stopped this woman from harrassing me. She was relentless and diabolical in just out and out being in every aspect of my life she could.

BUT SHE IS NOW GONE!!!!! and I feel brilliant about it. I really do wish I had done it much sooner.

But Tonya Halls wasn't the only reason I did this. It was just a complete hatred of internet - AI - scamming - nothing about social media felt safe to me anymore. It instead felt like an intrusion on my life. Getting rid of it has alleviated a lot of anxiety and I feel so much safer and protected from the trolls. Now they have to find a new victim. Who will be your new victim Tonya??? Cuz I am done with you!!!! My life is now LOCKED away where noone can access it unless you knock on my front door or phone me.

And it feels nothing but great. NO regrets at all. I only wish I had done it sooner. I am now FREE from Tonya fucking Halls

What the fuck is wrong with people?

It's just after 6 o'clock in the morning. I woke up to snow. Mother Nature YOU ARE DRUNK!!!! Stop the snow! I have had enough. The forecast said we were to get some nice spring weather for the next few days. Even going up to 18*. So waking up to a cold and snowy morning was a bit of a disappointment. Where is our spring????

I wrote on here a few days ago about my concerns about "A". The day after I wrote that, he tried to contact me about 6 or 7 times that next day. He knocked on my door two or three times (I didn't answer) He called me on the lobby phone (?) and also phoned me (I so regret giving him my phone number but didn't know how to say no when he asked - I really have to work on saying no!) He tried multiple times making me feel almost 'hunted'. I was literally hiding out in my apartment so he wouldn't see me. He eventually gave up and stopped. He phoned me again last night so I finally answered and said I had a migraine.

Roll on to this morning,... I am up bright and early as always. No other type of morning when you have two kittens needing their breakfast. After doing my morning ritual of brewing coffee, feeding the kittens, washing my face and brushing my teeth, etc,... I finally opened my front door to go out into the hall. It wasn't even 6 o'clock yet. But looking out the hall window at the snow I saw "A" out there walking out to the gazebo. I presumed for a smoke. I jumped out of the view of the window so he wouldnt' see me. But instead of stopping at the gazebo - he continued on to the building across from us where another smoker lives ("B"). "A" then knocked on "B"s door. WTF? It's not even 6 o'clock in the monring and "A" is wandering around knocking on peoples doors. You just have to wonder about this place. Did "B" call him over??? I doubt it. He must have just gone over there on his own. That is not normal and very inappropriate. But these people just don't seem to understand this.

I know why "A" does this. He does not have internet so his apartment is very, very boring. There is nothing to do. So he goes around to other tenants and invites himself in so he can watch tv and use our internet. I didn't catch on to this until my neighbour next door pointed it out to me. "A" doesn't want anyone as a friend - he just needs internet and place to hang out. He USED me. 

Living in this building is nothing but avoiding mine fields. You can't just 'live' here. It's like prison. You can never let your guard down. I let my guard down and "A" walked out my door with coffee, weed, a roll of toilet paper and most annoying - my phone number! WHY did I give? Becasue I was caught off guard. No more. Now I know he is a user and a grifter i will avoid him like the plague. Otherwise he will be knocking on my door at 6 in the morning,.... start as you mena to go on,.... and dont' allow him in. BYE BYE user,... you caught me offguard but no more.

My next door neighbour told me some wild stories about him and even came right out and told me to "be careful" around him. As a general rule, I don't listen to others opinions as I try and be fair and get to know the person first so I can make my own opinion. As long as they are nice to me - I dont' care what others think - I treat them nicely. But now - "A" has used me. NOW I can listen to the others and be aware. I also learned he is schizophrenic. I always knew he looked different. But looks can be deceiving. But now that I KNOW about him - I can see the creepy weirdness in him now. I almost wonder if he has stopped taking his meds. As he is behaving differently than the past 9 years I have known him. His behaviour the past week has definitely been eye-opening and caused me concern. But to see him knocking on peoples doors at 6 in the morning really showed me how he doesn't see others and how he bothers them - he only sees himself.

Just another reason to get the hell out of this building,....

I cna't stand living here anymore and I KNOW it will be the death of me one way or another. heat attack from the stress or eventual suicide becasue I just can't deal with it all anymore.

This isnt' a life. This isn't living,.... this is surviving. And I'm done just surviving,....

 I've done it now,.... but I have had enough!!!!!!!!!! So this is the letter I wrote to Ontario Housing:

*************************************************

I would like to talk to you next week about the bullying and gossip in this building. I am subjected to it daily when I do my laps. When I go out to the gazebo,...  And because of this my mental health has deteriorated to the point I no longer wish to be alive. I have called MAiDs and am starting the process of ending my life. WHY? Because I can't take one more day of the gossip and bullying in this building. It destroys you. I feel trapped with nowhere to escape but death. I am being bullied to death,... but no one seems to care. Not the police,... not housing,... not this community at all. So with no answers to help with this - I am choosing DEATH.

The last straw was yesterday I did my laps with the intention of getting my mail once on the first floor. When I came out of the stairwell in front of the common room, Arseen and Phyllis were sitting on their walkers - as they always do. They hate me (have no idea why) If you remember the first day I came back from BC and you and I met in the common room,... Phyllis was sitting in the lobby and accosted me the second I got into the building. "Why are you back - I don't like you I don't want you here,... blah, blah, blah,...) She literally made me cry! I don't even know this woman yet she has been rude and horrible since the day we met. But back to yesterday,...

As I came into that area Infront of the common room doors where they sit everyday, I distinctly heard Phyllis whisper to Arseen "I would like to punch that woman in the face" I immediately turned my head around to show her I had heard that, and as I looked at her, she sneered with gloat. Egging me on to say something to cause a scene. Then they could say I attacked them.  I totally ignored them and went into the main lobby to retrieve my mail. When I came  back out, I was forced to stand two feet Infront of them while I waited for the elevator. Which took about 3 minutes. Very awkward and uncomfortable three  minutes. They both stayed completely silent with looks of gloat on their faces as they knew I had heard her ~ but they also knew I couldn't prove she said it ~ so they were quite pleased with themselves. As I got onto the elevator they both broke out laughing,.... childish playground games I am fed up with. WHY?????????

Arseen and a handful of other gossips and instigators sit in the actual lobby or right Infront of the common room doors  every single day and have done for YEARS!. They sit here as they are able to see and hear everything that goes on in this building and then they gossip to everyone about what they heard. They make life unbearable for some of us folk living here.

Imagine calling 911 and you have to be wheeled out Infront of all of these people who you know will tell the whole building your business in minutes. I know - as they have done this. There is NO PRIVACY at all in this building. 

My solution is very simple but for 10 years I was told NO - you couldnt enforce my suggestion. Ontario Housing will not enforce this rule. I have no idea why as it can only help the situation. I say BANN anyone from sitting in the lobby (unless they are waiting for a ride) and Bann them from sitting directly Infront of the common room. The common room is made for people to get together and sit. So WHY do they have to be IN THE WAY in the lobby and the halls. Make them sit in the common room. THATS what it is there for!!!! But instead, I get subjected to their laughter,... their snide remarks,... and their general childish behaviour  just making me feel awful.

It comes from about 5 or 6 of your tenants. Gossips,... liars,.... just out and out instigators trying to cause drama. These two were blatantly 'baiting' me to start something.

I cant live here anymore. The day I moved in Tonya Halls and that handful of lobby dwellers decided they didnt like me and my life here has been hell ever since. Add darren and mark to the mix and now I dont even feel safe.

My life is not good. I have no family doctor and live in severe pain. I am still living with the pain and deficits of my car accident from 2 years ago as I have no health care. I live in pain and poverty. Life is really, really hard. To have to deal with the drama of a handful of childish people who have nothing to do during the day so they cause drama to pass the time. They use folk for their entertainment.

At this point, I am tired of fighting. I should not have to be made to feel like a hated ostracised person because your tenants are bored and mean and have nothing to do. Arseen is your number one gossip and instigator but he is clever enough to do it so noone sees. 

I'm done being a victim and am choosing death to escape. But maybe you and everyone else working at housing should sit up and take notice. WHY are tenants choosing Maids over living in your buildings. Because DEATH is better than what I am subjected to DAILY in this building. I am well aware of the suicides in this demographic of people. And one of the reason we do it is because we feel trapped and alone with no help in the future.

I wasn't put on this planet to be bullied. But that seems to be my purpose in this place. And poverty leaves me no choices to leave. And because I am trapped and have no place to go??? I am choosing DEATH. My mental health can't take it anymore.

Re-read that,.....

People on ODSP and living in Housing are so depressed and bullied they are choosing death.

Life has become unbearable and I will not be forced to endure living this way anymore. I have never felt so HATED and bullied in my life. I can't take it.

You do what you need to do and I will do what I need to do - but I need you and the rest of housing to understand how worthless and victimized we feel. but noone speaks out becasue we will regret if we do,.... I have been 'regretting' it for 10 years now and cant' take one more day.

I just want to be dead now.

*****************************************

Very unsettling experience - how does someone get your old email?????

Something has been on my mind since yesterday and it's really bothering me. I have to get it off my chest. Many, many years ago I made an email account for a game. It was hippiechick63@_____.  I ONLY used it for my game which I dont' even play anymore. I had completely forgotten I even had this email. So noone knows about it as it's never given out to anyone. Strictly used for one game and that is all. 

Yesterday my friend A****n came over. This already is an issue as I dont' invite him. He just follows me around and right into my apartment and not wanting to be rude, I let him in. He's an acquaintance from the smoking area. He has been acting as my 'bodyguard' against Mark and Darren when I go out to the gazebo. Theres no doubt "A" is 'different'. But so is almost everyone in this building. We all have our own issues. But "A" is definitely unique. But I like him. He has never been mean to me and has always treated me nicely even when other didn't. 

Just before I moved to BC (which of course didn't work out and now I am back) I had an old PC. It worked great. But I couldn't put a personal computer in my luggage so I had to sacrifice leaving it behind. "A" asked if he could have it so I said yes. Why not? I can't take it with me so why not let someone else enjoy it. I format it (put it back to factory settings and I thought all of my entire content would be gone - but was it?) And I thought that was the end of it.

Two weeks ago "A" knocked on my door with a wagon and my PC in the wagon. He said he was giving it back to me. How nice. I thanked him and put it together only to find it has been corrupted. No matter what I tried I could not get into my computer. No password worked. I worked on this for over a day. Watching Youtube videos on how to fix this. But in the end, no matter what I tried, it just said this computer has been corrupted. (????) what does that mean???? Was he in porn sights or something and watching something he shouldn't have been? He never even told me it was broken - just gave it back. No wonder he gave it back - it's unusable! So now I am stuck with a broken computer. What do i do with this machine? I can't get to a waste dump site. So i think he just dumped this on me as he didn't know what to do with it either, and he didn't want to get 'stuck' with it so he dumped it back on me.

Anyway,.... jump to yesterday. When I started going back out to the gazebo, I asked "A" to come out with me so I wasn't alone and felt safer. He was fine with that. But unfortuanately now I cant get rid of him. He follows me around like a puppy. We go out to the gazebo but then he follows me right up to my apartment so I end up asking him in not to feel rude. I dont' want him in my apartment - but he seems a nice guy so I let him in. He takes a seat and doesnt move. Now he has started the 'grift' Can I have a cup of coffee,.... ok - seems harmless enough so I put on a pot of coffee. Coffee is very expensive so I only make one pot a day in the morning. When I buy my groceries for the month - that is all the groceries I have until next pay. I am brilliant at budgeting and can always stretch my supply to get to the end of the month. But each item is spoken for. I dont buy extra. I have just enough to get me through the  month. So grifting pisses me off. The people in this building spen

d all their money on fast food the first week and then they are broke for the rest of the month. The grifting starts,... can I have this? Can I have that? It annoys me that we all make $1408 a month. Some of us make more (not me) so if I can budget - so can they. 

Yesterday, "A" walked out of here with coffee, a quarter bag of weed, and a roll of toilet paper,... and he was only here for an hour. I didn't even notice what he had done until he left and realized "wait a minute,..." why did I give him that????? 

I am too fucking nice. People ask? I give,.... why???? It only ends up in disaster. 

But here is the creepy part,.... yesterday "A" asked for an edible of mine (I would never have the nerve to just ask for someone elses edibes - they are very, very expensive) and I guess it made him loosen up. And in a sing-song voice he started saying "Hippiechick 63" and my blood ran cold.

NOONE knows about that email so how does he? He was inebriated so he didn't realize what he said. but he said it over and over again,... Jacquie is a little hippiechick63,.... and laughed,.... while I froze.

HOW does he know about that email? I had forgotten about it years ago so how did he know about it???? Him getting high yesterday and losing his control showed me he is creepy. I got a huge 'creep' vibe. I made an excuse for him to leave and now I don'tknow what to think.

NOONE knows that email - so how does he?????

I think it's time to blow this guy off and stop being nice to him. He has turned out to be nothing but a grifter asking for stuff every time he visits (uninvited). Every time I give something away, I now dont' have that for next month for myself and have to go without. Everything I buy is budgeted and accounted for and if it goes missing - I have to go without. So people asking me for stuff really pisses me off.

If I have learned to live on a budget of $1408 a month - then so can the rest of the losers in this building. They just blow there pay on fast food and then expect us to feed them the rest of the month. 

I am not a store!!!! Stop coming to me for your toilet paper and weed and all the other stuff you need. I am not a store! And in the end - I dont get payment from anyone so it's not even a store. They just take!!!!! for free!!!!!

And then theres internet. He has no internet (he says he can't afford it yet I can) and yesterday he sat in here so he could watc h my tv.  I didn't want him coming here everyday just ao he could have something to do. Why don't these people buy their OWN internet????? And watch their own tv,....

Maybe I should start walking around asking people for everything. Can I have a dollar??? Can I have some weed? Can I have an edible? Can i have a coke? Can I have a roll of toilet paper??  The nerve of people galls me. 

THIS is why I am so unhappy here. I am not a person,... noone sees me for me. I am a source of stuff for the grifters that know I won't say no if they need it. But now I will. From today on,... I give nothing to anybody,.... I am done being used for my stuff.

NOONE sees me for who i am 

I am worthless to the rest of the world and a source of grifting here in this building.

I HAVE NO WORTH to this world

And that has left me devastated.

All I'm good for is grifting from,.....

Toronto,... this is the new seating for the stadium? It will collapse!!!!!

 I am a die-hard football fan. Soccer to North Americans. And just like every other Fifa fan, I am definitely looking forward to the world cup tournament coming this June. And to know some of the games will be played here in Toronto was exciting. 

Until I saw the temporory bleachers they have installed to bring it's capacity up to 45,000 seats for FIFA's requirement. Toronto? What were you thinking?????

Think football fans,.... wild,... loud,... and stomping on the bleachers in time to one another during exciting plays. Look at this set up in the picture. Now imagine all of those fans jumping up and down at the same time.

Is this going to hold?

I am seriously concerned about this tooth-pick looking set up. We have been assured it is 100% safe but I don't believe them. I am seriously concerned this structure will collapse under the weight of excited fans all stomping and jumping up and down at once.

I challenge anyone to go look up a good FIFA game on Youtube and you will see the fans are absolutely crazy with excitement and they are hard on stadium bleachers. I dont' know how many people that one stand is suppose to hold? But I am concerned.

And I am embarrassed that they had 146 million dollars and THIS is what they come up with??? I am embarrassed for Toronto. As a big football fan,.... you have let us down. It looks rickity. I don't think I would trust them. I hope I am wrong. I hope they are as strong and sturdy as they say. But if they aren't,... Toronto,.... people are going to get hurt,......

 

I got outside yesterday!!! Yeah!!!! I can't tell you how good it felt to feel the sun and the spring breeze on  my face. Fresh air! I always knew that if I could just get outside for a bit, life would look more bearable. It wasn't for long as it was still quite cold out - but it was enough to rejuvinate my brain and feel a bit better.

I think Darren Green is digging his own grave and I for one couldn't be happier. I dont even have to lift a finger. He was given notice he is no longer allowed to smoke in his unit. But does he stop? No,... he has continued to smoke non-stop in his unit all day long. Why? Because he is better than the rest of us so the rules don't apply to him. Or so he believes. But this is PERFECT! Because even though it won't be me doing the snitching (I dont need the retaliation) I know others are writing him up. Why? Because I have just learned that NOONE likes Darren in the gazebo and they have all realized this is our opportunity to get rid of him once and for all. All we have to do is let him smoke inside - dig his own grave himself - and then a handful of others have been writing him up unbeknownst to Darren, he believes these people are his friends. They wouldn't do that to him. But they dont like him and they have all banded together to use this opportunity to get him evicted and out of our lives forever,... There are 2 for sures and 1 maybe who are going to do this. (I have no part in it - I am just overhearing the plans). Darren Green is going to get what he deserves - finally - and I don't have to do a thing. I couldnt' have planned this better. So either he will get his eviction warning and stop smoking in his unit (like the rest of us have to do) or he will continue to smoke in his unit and get evicted. And when he does he will blame everyone else but himself. Darren Green has never been at fault for anything. It's always someone else. The man has never owned up to anything. He is a coward. So,... this is great news for me. I dont' have to lift a finger but I get to see him evicted (or atleast put in his place when he realizes he is not liked in the gazebo). Does this mean I am finally vindicated? People actually see what he is really like and they want him gone too???? (I didn't know others didn't like him either!!!! that was good to hear) Thank you God,... I have prayed for this for years,.... 

Well I gave in and placed another grocery order. I can't stand wasting money on deliveries. I had to spend $20 on the delivery. On a very tight budget - this hurts. But I just can't get myself to the grocery store due to the weather. I am now out of everything so had to break down and place an order. $188.00 for a month of groceries. It's not much and I end up living off of cereal, hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. But I won't complain as I know some people don't even have that. At least I have food. And for that I am grateful.

We lost people again on my floor. A 94 year old woman passed away. And now I hear my friend 2 doors down is leaving. People hate living here. This guy said if he didn't get the hell out of this building it would have killed him,... (sound familiar?) How did he get out??? How can I get out??? But maybe,.... if we can get rid of Darren Green - I won't have to get out. I love my unit. It's clean and well maintained. It's the people. The Darrens,... The Tonyas,.... The Marks,... people who would con their own grandmother for attention. 

When I was growing up, I never dreamed that at 62 I would be living in poverty in Ontario Housing with no transportation or doctor,.... what the hell happened????? And sadly, it's not just me. Thousands and thousands of folk living in Ontario are lsoing their livlihoods. Their jobs,... their homes,.... Ontario is imploding and taking down all the good folk with it. 

I dont' like Ontario and Canada right now. I resent what our governemnt has done. They have ruined thousands of lives and now don't know how to fix it. Thank God I am 62 and on the way out. I would hate to be 25 and know I had years ahead in my future and nothing to survive it,....

Canada is dying,.... and my heart is broken for the home I used to love and be so proud to live in.

What has happened to my world?????

Fuck Canada I'm out of here

 I am so done with this country and this province

I need a doctor! Can't get one

Asked for MAiDs - won't give it to me as I have no family doctor!

I live in such pain I can't take care of myself anymore

Groceries are so expensive I cant even afford produce. I live off of hamburgers, cereal and chicken thigh on a bun. $130 for a month of food gets you NOTHING but HUNGRY!

I am one step away from HOMELESS

But noone cares 

I am worhtless 

I am invisable

I ASKED FOR HELP

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

But the answer was no

So now this country and this province dont' have a say in what I do next to escape this pain 

FUCK YOU Ontairo

FUCK YOU Canada

I am not living just to placate a no suicide law.

If I'm in pain and I get no help

BYE BYE

Fuck yOU Canada I'm out of here

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN AND SUICIDE IS THE ONLY ANSWER NOW AND I HATE YOU FOR IT!!!! i HATE YOU!!!

I'm done with this province and country ~ you dont give me MAiDs? I do it myself

I just got a call from Health Care Connect. The organization that is suppose to be connecting me with a family doctor. They call about once a year to update my profile but it never changes - YES, I still need a doctor! Today I thought she might have good news,... but no,... no good news. No doctor. Infact she said they are having difficulties getting doctors in this area. And she kept saying that she did offer me a doctor last year but I turned it down. Ummmm,.... that doctor was not even in my town and I have no car to get out of Fergus. She kept saying I know, I know you dont have transportation but we did find you a doctor and you turned us down,....

I lost my car becasue I was forced to go on ODSP which paid so little I lost my car,... NOT MY FAULT 

Now your going to make me feel guilty for saying no to a doctor I had no way to get to?????? Was I suppose to walk with a walker to another town????? No,... she kept saying it over and over. I was starting to get upset. I didn't show it,... I was all smiles and thank you thank you thank you,.... but inside I was fuming. How dare they make ME feel guilty for not accepting a doctor I have no way to get to,....

And this is my life all over. Hitting walls,... hearing no,... no,.... no,... I just can't take being so fucking worthless and invisable.

I just want out now. DEAD. Anyway I can. I was hoping for MAids but they won't even talk to me unless - wait for it - I HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR! Without one the answer is NO,... NO,... NO,...

And last night I lay in bed is such severe pain I decided I have hit my wall and I am done. 

Help is NOT COMING,..... I have been thrown away and left to rot in pain

I go on vacation in June and I may not even return,.... Vancouver. The home of the most drug addicts in Canada. One trip to the downtown eastside on my last day of vacation and one fatal overdose,....

Everything goes away,... the pain,... the bullying,.... the family hating me,.... it all goes away,......

I think this is my new plan

Take my vacation ~ just dont bother coming home,.....

Because there is no life for me in Fergus Ontario Canada

Infact i dont think there is any place for me,....

I am worthless and I am invisable

worthless

& 

Invisable

Look what this building has turned me into

I just got back from doing my laps. Every day,... three times a day - I do 3 sets of the four floors. (equally 12 floors). But everytime i walk by 'that mans' apartment he is smoking. Every single time. He is one of those people who coughs and coughs and coughs after each bong rip. And this morning he was disgusting. As i was walking by he was having a coughing fit - that turned into a choking fit - that led to what sounded like him throwing up. And it went on and on. This man is so entitled he has no intention of going outside to smoke. He goes out once a day to make it look like he does but he actually sits in his unit and smokes all day long,.... The rest of the building has had to go outside to the gazebo, so what the fuck is so special about Darren Fucking Green????

So I decdied this is the perfect opportunity to get rid of him. Multiple smoking complaints = eviction. He has already been warned and promised he wont do it again. LIAR. he smokes in his apartment all day long still. 

So I started thinking,... what is my issue in this building? What is making me want to leave? DARREN GREEN. So if I can get rid of him,... I get rid of all my problems,....

So even though I am not a tattle tale and would normally not report anyone. This is just too good of an opportunity to give up. If he is going to be dishonest and lie - then I will tattle until he is evicted.

THATS what this building has turned me into,.... never have I ever targeted anyone. But this time,... Darren has been absolutely evil to me and now its time to get rid of him through his own entitlement. if hes' better than everyone else and thinks he can still smoke in his unit when we all have to go outside??? Good,.... it will blindside him when he gets the evictio threat. This is a man who has put me through hell. Now,...  have the legal means to get rid of him. And all through his own fault. If you smoke - you get evicted. He was warned by housing thorugh a written letter. HE HAS BEED WARNED so if he continues thats on HIM. I just get the pleasure of finally getting rid of bad rubbish,....

keep smoking darren,.... it only works for me getting rid of you.

Is Vancouver going to be safe for FIFA?

I am taking my first vacation in 26 years this June. I am flying to Vancouver Island. I have booked a hotel close to my 2 cousins and plan on enjoying my well-deserved get-a-way. Even though it would be a dream come true ~ I am not actually going to a FIFA game at BC Place while there. The tickets were just too expensive and hard to get. But I generally find that going to a local pub or a fan-base area where they set up jumbotrons playing the games can be just as much fun. I haven't actually 'planned' anything yet as we are still awaiting any schedule of who plays who and where,... but I know I will catch some games. And I'm really looking forward to that. In the words of Dani Rojas (Ted Lasoo) "Football is life!".

But after seeing the news last night and the Iranian threat of retaliation on 'tourist destinations' I had to sit up and take notice. FIFA is probobly the biggest event that is going to happen in North America this year in terms of massive amounts of people from all over the world converging on one event. Football. Fifa is to be played in 16 cities across Canada, Mexico and the United States, with Toronto and Vancouver being the Canadian venues. 

Normally I would not even be concerned. But with the climate of what is happening in the Middle East right now and Trump being such a loose canon,... I have to be a little concerned. I am telling myself that IF anything were to happen it would more than likely happen in one of the 12 cities in the States. I really can't see Canada becoming a target. However,... I honestly couldn't see this war coming either,.... it just seems in this world right now ANYTHING could happen. So I am not concerned,... but I am aware and following the news. I am pretty sure I will fly out there and have a great time. But the whole trip will have an added concern of travelling during a war. But football is my life and the risk is worth it. I will definitely go. But I will be a tiny bit more aware when I travel this time. 

So roll on June 30th,... it can't come fast enough,...

Sunday mornings are "off-grid" videos

It's Sunday morning. I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube. Sundays are "off-grid" days. I follow a few channels of people living off grid. It's what I would LOVE to do myself but am now too old. I couldn't survive on my own with all my physical limitations. So instead I watch others and live vicariously through them. It was my dream in life,... but never to see,...

As I sit here drinking my coffee Molly & Murphy have the zoomies. It's quite a sight first thing in the morning to watch two kittens literally 'fly' through your apartment. I am used to it now. I just calmly sip on my coffee as these two run around chasing each other and having fun. It's the reason I got them. They are now about 9 months old. Murphy has grown into a huge cat. While my little Molly has remained a little peanut at only 6 pounds. I have zero regrets getting these two kittens. They have changed my life. They have given me something to get up for in the morning. But the best part? Cuddling. My last cat ~ Maggie ~ God rest her sole,... hated human contact so I rarely got to hold or cuddle her. But these two love sleeping on my lap while I watch tv. It's my favourite time of the day.

You have to remember that I have noone in my life. I have not touched or hugged another human being probobly since I hugged my cousin in BC almost a year ago. No human contact does strange things to a person. I crave contact,... and with these kittens, I get as much as I want anytime I want. It has softened my heart having these two cats in my life. They are expensive with all the food, and litter with me living on $1408 a month again. But they come first. I buy their stuff before I buy my own. I will starve long before my pets do. They always come first. 

I will  never regret having these two cats in my life. They are my life.

I sent housing an email about what happened with Darren yesterday. But with it being the weekend I dont' plan on hearing from them until monday. No drama since then. I just felt I needed to put it in writing to document to housing as then they have a "record". I also ran into two of my gazebo buddies and they told me they heard he treats his cat like shit. So if others are hearing this - it's not just me. Darren Green does not deserve an animal. I wish they would remove it from him but at this point I want no part of it and will never mention it again to anyone. Darren Green is too unpredicatable and dangerous to fuck around with. Just leave well enough alone and hope he stays away. I did tell housing that I do expect retaliation. 

The weather actually looks promising today. No snow! No arctic vortex! It almost looks like it will turn out to be sunny and nice. If it is, I need to get out!! I have no money left to go grocery shopping so I will just take a long walk. I have cabin fever so bad right now. I need to get out!!!! And hopefully today might be that day,...

I need to get out of this building

Living here is just one thing after another. I had yet another run-in with Darren Green about the same thing I had a blow up with him about last time - three years ago. His treatment of his cat. I was in the hall and heard him yelling. When I knew it was directed at his cat I stayed there listening. It went on and on and on and on,.... he just yelled at his cat! It was obvious he was just in a bad mood and taking it out on his cat. But when his voice got louder and more aggresive, I panicked and shouted through the door "Stop yelling at your cat", which of course infuriated him. Now he was hurling abuse through the door at me. So I left,.... but I heard his door open and him start yelling but I was back at my unit by then and just shut my door. 

I am so fed up of his rages and taking it out on his poor defenceless cat. But I am still feeling the effects of Darrens revenge after calling the Humane Society on him last time. So i didn't want to call again. So i wrote a long detailed email to housing and left it in their hands. I reminded them that there is cctv footage as we now have cameras in the hall. It's ALL ON VIDEO this time. NO DOUBTS and he can't wigle his way out of his abuse. They will all hear it!!!

I want darren gone. I want that cat removed from his care. I had a friend here once many years ago (K.M.) I was still friends with Darren at the time and one afternoon there was me, Darren and my friend "K". Darren spent the whole time talking about how he was going to buy a dog. A military dog he would teach to protect and attack (why?). Anyway, when Darren left my apartment, my frined "K" looked at me in concern and said "That man should never own a pet" My friend didn't know a lot of Darren. just a few visits here when he was here. But in that short time of knowing him, "K" knew Darren should not own a pet. Thats telling. I had said nothing to him about pets or abuse or Darren at all. It was strictly "K"s opinion after only knowing him for a short time.

So I sit here now knowing I will probobly never feel safe in this building now,...

Time to get the fuck out of this building no matter WHAT IT TAKES!

I don't know what to do about this smoking in the gazebo situation. It's just not working out. In the end, I don't want to sit out there with those people. (Mark and Darren). But housing forces us to. 

I feel so trapped. I can't stay in this building anymore. I don't feel safe. I am suppose to go out to the gazebo to smoke but I am not welcome there and they let me know!!! Noone wants to have to be couped up inside a tiny gazebo with people giving you the death glare.

I will be using the gazebo very rarely. I don't feel safe out there at all.

But housing can't help,... they refuse to give us a second place to smoke. We have two buildings full of people and we all have to share ONE smoking area.

IT IS NOT WORKING

Very few women go out there. The gazebo itself is disgustingly dirty. People spitting ont he ground after they smoke - so disgusting! It needs to be power-washed before any woman would feel comfortable in there. So in the end only myself and maybe one or two other woman use the gazebo. The rest of the women smoke in their units as they don't feel safe either. But I did the right thing and did not smoke in my unit and went out. All I got was abuse,... I dont feel safe,....

I don't feel safe!!!

Darren has decided he is too good for losing the smoking in his unit priviledge. Every single time I walk by his apartment he is smoking. When I was talking with housing about this whole situation I let them know that Darren has no intention of following rules and will continue to smoke in his unit and get away with it. So housing told me to write down every time he smokes. Um,... no thank you. This is a man who has proved he will retaliate over any little thing. You want ME to be the spy that gets him evicted??? 

Do your own fucking work housing ~ I am not a rat or a mole. I dont' work for Ontario Housing so why should I put my life in danger doing THEIR spying??? No way! If you want to catch Darren Green - YOU can do the tattling. I am staying well clear of that man.

The only way to resolve this issue is one of us has to leave this building. And in the end WHY should it be me? This is a perfect opportunity for me to 'tattle' every time he smokes and he will eventually get evicted. But will i do that? Absolutely not. First of all,... I have been homeless myself - twice - and I don't wish that upon anyone. Even Darren Green. it's INHUMANE. I do not want to be the reason a person loses their housing. I want Darren Green gone,... he has ruined my living here,... but I stop at making someone homeless.

So housing this is your problem. you dont' want smoking in your building? Yet you want us tenants to do all the dirty work catching them. WE DONT WORK FOR YOU - It's not our job to tattle. Do it yourself.

And I can't help thinking if it's that immpossible to catch someone - then maybe I should just smoke inside too,.... Housing has said it's near immpossible to evict someone without 'written' complaints to document. Like Tonya did to me for years (and I had to fight to stay here). If they threaten to evict me,... at least I have a case behind me I can fight it. I told them multiple times I dont feel safe,... yet nothing was done to ensure my safety. So I choose to protect myself and stay inside. But will i do this? No,... becasue I live here too. Why should I be trapped inside all my life due two men who are bullies????????

Life is not fair. And I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. My body is in so much pain now I can't function and look after myself anymore.

BUT NOONE CARES I can't find a doctor,... and noone cares,....

So I think it really is time to just disappear

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more bullies,...no more feeling like your the biggest piece of worthless shit around,....

It is time to plan,....

Come on Canada, I just lived on $16,022 for the whole entire year. No wonder I just want to die

Things have been grim. I feel as if I have been couped up in this apartment for years! It's only been the winter months but it seems to be the longest and coldest winter I can remember. Roll on spring,... I NEED to get outside! But even as I write this, it is raining out. And the temperature is dropping turning everything into ice. I won't be going out today.

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day. I actually did get outside. It was cold and damp but I just needed fresh air desperately. So I knocked on my 'bodyguards' door and we went out to the gazebo for a few minutes of fresh air. 

I finally got my taxes done yesterday. I am not by nature a procrastinator. But when it comes to my annual government taxes, I drag my feet and usually don't get them done until the last minute. There really easy for me. I own nothing,... and I live in abject poverty. So just as I figured,... I owe nothing,... I get nothing back,.... nil. I will take it. As long as I don't owe ~ I will just accept it.

But get this. In case anyone reading this blog wonders just how poverty stricken I am???? My annual income for the ENTIRE YEAR was,....

$16,022.00

And every person in Ontario on ODSP lived the same. It's a horrible thing to say and I never thought I would ever say this,... but thank God I got hit by a car two years ago as that is the only way I am surviving. And I am not surviving well,... I am just getting by. Infact,.. now that I have run out of the money I had from my settlement I am starting to hurt again. I did my monthly budget for April and already the money is all spent with nothing left over for groceries. I will either have to borrow from my cash I have saved up for my trip in June ~ or go to the food bank. 

Come on Canada!!!!!! Who can live on $16,022 a year.

No wonder people are using MAiDs at an alarming rate in this country. I WISH I WAS ONE OF THEM! I am so sick of poverty. So sick of having to walk everywhere,... so sick of no doctor,.... I am so sick of my life. Because this isn't a life

This is just surviving and not even barely,... I pray every morning with my coffee: "Please God,... I have had enough. Please just give me a heart attack and let me go,... I just can't cope with this life anymore,.... PLEASE just let me die and come home"

I am not coping

Today has just been a frustrating mess. I have broken down. I spend most of my days crying now. Watching tv and breaking down at every sad thing I see. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They rule me. And I seem to flip back and forth between severe sadness and anger. My tv and soundbar have been testing me. Every single time I turn on my tv - it doesn't work. I have to rip all the cords out to get everything to start up all over again - it's so maddening. EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch tv I have to fight with this. The second I turn my tv off - I lose the setting and the soundbar and it takes un-plugging,.... re-hooking up to the wi-fi (which is a pin in the fucking ass) WHY????? Why is everything I bought brand new Broken? I HATE THIS TV AND SOUNDBAR. I end up raging every morning tryng to get it to hook back up. Just that causes me to start my day so badly I can't recover and I spend my day angry,... sad,... hating life,.... This is not a way to live,... I am miserable.

While going by Darren's apartment during my laps I can smell he is blatantly smoking in there. I am worried. He knows it is me that got his priviledge revoked. And word through the grapevine is he couldn't get out to the gazebo fast enough to let everyone know! And he's not happy about it,... and when Darren Green is raging,... I am not safe. He will not forget about this as his life is so empty he has nothing else to do but sit in his boiling anger and get rager and rager until he loses it,.... I don't want to know what that looks like. I am so sick and tired of Darren fucking Green that I just want out of here.

I NEED out of here. And sadly there is only one way to escape this life and that is death....

I pray to God to give me a heart attack and let me end this suffering. But he doesn't hear me. 

The pain is getting worse. Unbearably worse and I am struggling to cope.

I am not coping

I just need to die

Canada's economy is so poor it represents a "Human Rights Crisis" I'm scared I'm not going to make it,....

I have been in crisis pretty much since covid way back in 2020. Canada has been declining and the people at the bottom of the ladder are the ones feeling it the most. Here in Ontario that would be the people on OW (Ontario Works) and ODSP (Ontario Disability). We are given so little that a lot of us don't even get basic needs. We are really, really struggling,....

I have felt it for awhile now. And I have to honestly say that if I had not been hit by a car two years ago and received a small settlement ~ I would be homeless right now. I do not bring in enough to pay rent, bills and groceries. I have to dip into my 'settlement' fund to get groceries. Once my bills and rent are paid there is NOTHING left for food. how sad is this country when getting hit by a car saved me,.... BUT,... that money is no longer there. It has run out,.... now I am scared. (I did put a small amount into a GIC but it doesn't mature until the fall and I can't touch it until then ~ but at least it is there for the future) 

I just heard that my CPP is going up 2%. A nice little break for us getting a few dollars more a month. But then I discovered that I don't get that raise. Why? Because people on ODSP are NEVER allowed to make more than $1408.00 a month. My total income comes from ODSP and CPP. With this 'raise' ~ I lose out becasue ODSP will just 'absorb' it and I still only get $1408 a month. WHY???? Inflation and the exorbitant cost of groceries right now effects me too!! CPP saw that we needed a raise due to this struggle with every bill we have right now and gave us a 2% raise. They gave it to us as WE NEED IT!

So why can't I have it,...? And that is what is wrong with this country and province right now. 

I am not exagerating ~ if I hadn't had a few extra bucks in the bank from my settlement, I would have LOST THIS APARTMENT months ago due to not being able to pay the rent. But ODSP still believes we all have enough and refuse to give us our raise from CPP.

This just stinks!!!!

Our groceries here in Canada right now are so highly priced I am eating HALF of what I used to. It's all I can afford in my budget. My settlement money has run out now and I am now starting back on my tight $1408 a month. That means living off of cereal, hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. I am so sick of eating the same cheap shit every day I could scream. How I would love fruit and veg,... and meat! I haven't had a roast beef dinner ~ my favourite meal ever ~ in about 10 years!!!!! YEARS!!!!! But those days are now gone,.... we are back to rationing cheap shit food I can barely afford. 

No groceries,...

No doctor,...

No fucking life,... 

WHO the fuck can live on $1408 a month. 

If you dont' think this country is in CRISIS ~ especially for the poor ~ you need to see this video. 

SHOCKING!

Please watch this video as our country is literally falling apart.

And us here on the bottom will fall first and hardest,... 

I AM SCARED I WON'T MAKE IT

FIFA is coming!

 It's yet another frosty day here in Ontario. I am starting to think this snow and cold is never going away. Longest winter ever,...

The kittens had me up at four o'clock again this morning. It doesn't bother me. I have no set hours or schedule. I sleep when I'm tired. I just made my coffee and turned on the tv to start my day. 

Youtube is a funny thing where you don't plan on watching anything, your topic sort of pics itself. Anyone who watches YT knows that you can go down a rabbit hole on one topic so easily. You don't plan what that topic is - the algorithum does. 

This morning turned out to be a day of football. As anyone knows I am a hige footy fan. I follow multiple teams on multiple leagues. Over the years, football has kept me sane. And 2026 is a big year as FIFA has rolled around once again. The tournament doesn't start until June, but I already know all I need to know before it gets here. And Youtube is a wealthy resource for finding out about anything FIFA.

It's going to be interesting this year as it will be played in both Toronto (where I live) and Vancouver - where I will be vacationing while it's on. If I wasn't poor, I could actually go to a game!! One in each city! What a life-long dream that is. But, as usual for world events the cost is so high that most middleclass folk can't afford it. But if I am in BC while it is on, then the sports bars will have tons of stuff playing. I will be able to find a game almost anywhere. I won't be there at BC Place,... but I will be in a bar close by able to absorb all the crazy atmosphere. My cousins are not soccer fans. But they might be by the time I leave. (or sick of it)

This weekend is also the season opener for the MLS. I have given up on Toronto FC. But I have been following Miami. One of my Manchester United idols owns Inter Miami and I have organically moved over there just with my interested in how this is going for him. I of course speak of David Beckham. And in following his career, I have grown a soft spot for Miami. So, maybe time to buy pink shirts instead of Torontos red?? The good news is that Apple has cancelled their (expensive - seperate) MLS app and is now just incorporating the games into the regular Apple tv subscription, which is much cheaper and I already have it. So I will be able to watch MLS games again this year.

My life is so boring and empty. Football gives me something to look forward to. Right now I am hitting the gold spot of football. We are still finishing up the Premier League (Manchester United) with MLS just starting. And FIFA is just around the corner.

Now,... I have something I love to look forward to.