I am back,....
I am spiraling tonight. Well, if truth be told I have been spiraling all day,... all week. I don't have the technical jargon that means "losing my shit" ~ but I definitely know the signs. I get sad. Really sad. But then I start to feel 'tight' wound up like my body is a pressure cooker ready to explode. Is this what anxiety is? I always thought anxiety was when you worried about everything inappropriately. Does it mean this too? I'm trying to describe how I feel right now in this moment as I write this. It is anger. I am angry right now. I'm bitter and resentful at being mentally ill and that I have to struggle like this. If I can't even name how I feel how can I stop the spiral? I am on a self-destructive collision course right now that is fueled by my Irish temper and my resentment of people presently.
This is how today went. I think my 'cause' was in the right place but my emotions and anger definitely got the best of me.
I live in a 4 story government owned affordable housing building. There are 13 rental units from affordable housing and 3 units for head injury patients run by T******e per floor. (A medical care company that looks after these folks). So that is,... at least 16 people per floor times 4 equals 64 people minimum living in my building. There are signs everywhere asking people to wear masks. No one is but me and a handful of others. The people NOT wearing them are the people who work or go to school and are out and about in our community. So I would say that they have a more likely chance of bringing it into our building than us that rarely leave our units. And the ones who rarely leave seem to be the only ones wearing masks. So I called head office - twice - asking is they - as a government run company, can demand that we wear masks in all there buildings. But they refuse. They say they cant. So I started asking people who weren't wearing one - why? Well,... you can imagine how this turned out. I'm already angry. I'm already fed up. And I'm just spoiling for a fight. Which, by the way, is NOT like me ATALL. So this is how I know I am starting to spiral dangerously. I wasn't wearing mine on purpose. So when they asked where's mine? I told them I'm not going to wear one either. If you don't protect me - why should I protect you? In the end, I told them guess what,... If you want to play Russian Roulette with our lives then lets play. I'm not going to wear a mask either. BUT,.... if I contract covid,... I am not telling anyone. I will just keep walking around here with no mask - breathing all over you people. And you will be none the wiser. Is that the game you want to play??? then lets play,.....
Ok, ok, it was stupid. I shouldn't have lost my temper. But I did. I shouted at five of my neighbors (who now hate me) and the maintenance lady and the woman at head office. So,.... I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in trouble for this one. I really lost it.
And now I'm sitting here hopping mad. And I don't know what to do with this ANGER!!!!!!! I'm so angry at the world. I can't calm down. I've smoked a doobie. That didn't even help. I don't even drink but I'm thinking of pouring some wine just to calm down.
I'm scared. I'm really scared that my emotions are out of my control right now. I have had horrible thoughts going through my head today. Just run out in front of a truck! Just jump off the balcony (is 4 floors high enough - I don't think so) I just don't want to be here anymore. I really really do not want to exist anymore. But I don't know how to kill myself. I have tried numerous times and failed.
So I can't help but think that Covid has come at a perfect time. Catch covid. My lungs are already toast from smoking and vaping. If I get sick with it I'm dead for sure. It's perfect. I don't have to have the shame of suicide to my name and I still get to die