Friday, July 29, 2011

struggling to see the point

Despite yesterdays upbeat post I am still struggling tonight. I think I was on a kind of high all day yesterday as i was so pleased to finally have someone validate how I feel and that I don't have bipolar. But when i woke up this morning, reality set in. OK,... I don't have bipolar. But I still have a lot of issues and I am still mentally ill.
My depression is so severe I cannot function anymore. I don't even want to.
Then there was the woman telling me that she is certain I have deep-seeded trauma that has yet to surface which is causing my depression and agoraphobia and anxiety. I really don't remember anything.
I was adopted when I was 2. I lived the real "Leave it to Beaver" lifestyle. My parents were loving, never fought, never drank, we went to Church every Sunday. I tried telling this woman that I think shes wrong but she swears that something went wrong somewhere in my life.
That leaves before my adoption. I was born to an 18 yr old who lived for drugs and alcohol. I lived in the family home with Grandma ~ who was a prostitute and alcoholic.... with Mom who was a prostitute and alcoholic and drug addict.... and with 7 Aunts and Uncles who were WILD. Grandma didn't have a hope in hell of controlling any of them. So,... OK,....maybe this woman is right. Maybe bad things did happen to me in my first 2 years of life in my biological home.
But here's the thing. Can you really be so affected by trauma you don't even remember happened? I was a baby and remember NOTHING. Could I still be subconsciously feeling the affects?
She says "definitely". So she has agreed to have me come to her once a week and we are going to get to the bottom of this. Trouble is,... I don't have the energy. It sounds like a lot of painful stuff could come up and quite frankly I am just too depressed right now to care or work at it. I'm done.
She told me I need to look up "Emotion regulation developmental trauma" on the Internet. Emotion,... what???? Never heard of it. It makes me wonder if these doctors and counselors really know what they are doing or are they digging for stuff that just isn't there. I can't decide. Maybe I'm just too frightened to even go there. Maybe nothing happened at all.
Regardless of all that......
I have a different problem tonight. (Or should I say this morning as it is after 1:00am now) I have given up. I just feel so sad and depressed and worthless that I just can't decide whether I even want to bother anymore. I'm just so tired of it all. Exhausted from the daily struggle just to get out of bed and have a shower. I just don't see the point to it all anymore.
I think I need to have a good long sleep tonight. But unfortuantely I have insomnia. For three nights now I just cant fall asleep. I don't have any meds to take to make me sleep either. I'm at the point where I want to smack my head with a 2 x 4 just to knock me out so I can get some rest. (Don't worry, won't actually do that....) I guess it's another night of warm milk,... melatonin,... relaxation CD...and graval. And to lie awake in bed hour after hour wishing my mind would just STOP and let me sleep. My doctor stopped my anxiety meds two weeks ago and I don't think I'm adjusting well not having them. I have been taking them for years so for her to just stop them all of sudden I think has screwed up my body and sleep. Maybe in a few weeks my body will adjust and I'll start sleeping better.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

4 O'Clock in the morning ramble

I had a not-too-bad day today. My first appointment with the  Mental Health Centre was this afternoon. I didn’t know what to expect so I kind of worried myself into a state of anxiety the night before and couldn’t sleep at all. But it went well. I’m not sure what the lady I had the assessment with was (counselor, doctor???) but I like her a lot. My 20 minute appointment ended up being well over an hour long. She had received a lot of my paperwork ahead of time from Doctors, social workers and even had copies of my Children’s Aid stuff from my adoption way back in 1965!! (I was taken into care at a year old and then adopted into a new family when I was 2) which she had requested weeks ago and I sent to her. And she had taken the time to read it all before I even had my first appointment with her. I liked that. Most people I have dealt with over the years just skim my charts and throw medication at me. I definitely felt like just another “chart” to them. But this woman really seemed to want to help and did all her homework in able to do that. FINALLY….. Someone is listening to me. My move to F***** this spring looks like it could have been the best thing I’ve done. First I land a great Family Doctor 2 months ago. She has been listening to me and taking a lot of time with me. No family doctor has ever been so caring and supportive. (win!) And it was her (my new family doctor) that got me hooked up with this local mental health centre. She even called them herself to ensure that I got in right away. My first app’t was supposed to be August 30th which my doctor really felt was too far away. So she personally called over there herself to get me in right away. Having this new-found care has really given me hope that we can now start from scratch and take the time to get a proper diagnoses (No doctors have ever agreed with each other on what my diagnoses is so I have ended up with many…) All of my adult life I have seen many different doctors and I have been told I have many different mental illnesses. I think,… and I’m no doctor here… but I think I have depression/anxiety/BPD. (Not Bipolar… not OCD….or any of the other dozen or so ‘types’ that have been thrown around in my charts for the past 30 years.
So,… (yup, kinda got off track there sorry…) I was really pleased to hear that she absolutely agreed with me that I should go for a thorough evaluation that will, once and for all, discover what it is I really DO have. The reason this is so important is because I need to be taking the right medication that helps for that specific illness.
This being said…. Imagine how relieved I was when this woman told me that in no way do I have bipolar. Hallelujah!! I could have wept with relief. I have been telling doctors for 10 years that I really don’t feel that this was the right diagnosis but they all insisted that's what I had. Now,… finally…. Someone agrees with me.  I don’t know why doctors found it so difficult to know I wasn’t bipolar. I never have the “highs” your suppose to get with this disease. I have only ever been depressed so how is that bipolar?
Anyway,… went off track again…
This woman also told me I had…. Oh God, dare I say it? The “a” word. I have been mulling this around in my head for the past 3 years but didn’t even want to go there but she said it. Agoraphobia. Yup, there it is, the mental illness that doesn’t allow people to leave their homes. There are obviously didn’t degrees of this illness so in my mind I guess I thought agoraphobics NEVER leave their homes. (Which isn’t me) I leave my apartment, although rarely, if I need to. I can go grocery shopping or to the bank or to my brothers house. But I can’t go anywhere where I might have to interact with people I don’t know. My comfort zone is my apartment and that is about the only time I’m comfortable. Once “out in the world” my anxiety rises so high it’s very unnerving and overwhelming to me. I have basically been a recluse for the past 3 years. I spend 90% of my time in my home. I only go out when I need to get groceries or deposit a cheque, etc… and even then it’s a quick trip and then strait home. I have forced myself to go on walks once a week just to make sure I get outside a little bit. (But I REALLY don’t like to)
This has been a huge problem for me over the past 3 years. My world has shrunk to these four walls of my apartment and a tiny little circle of people who I am comfortable with (My daughters and my brother and sister-in-law) Otherwise, any type of social event has me too anxious and overwhelmed to participate in. My brother was going to be going to the F***** truck show last weekend. (I had gotten 2 free tickets) so a few weeks ago we planned for me to go with them. But, as always happens, the closer it got to the day, the more freaked out I became. So I cancelled saying it was too hot. I do this ALL THE TIME! Weeks before something I agree to go (and at the time I say this I really do believe that this time I will go...) but as the event or party or whatever gets closer the more anxious I become and I almost always end up making an excuse to not be able to go. And in doing this I have burned a lot of bridges with people because they get fed up with me and eventually just stop calling me or asking me to do anything. I had one friend in St. Thomas (where I lived for the past 2 yrs before I moved here) who tried so hard to get me out so we could do stuff together but as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t leave my apartment. This poor girl tried over and over again and in the end she was really hurt because she felt so slighted all the time. She thought SHE had done something wrong and I was just mad at her or disinterested altogether. But I wasn’t mad at her at all. I just wasn’t able to allow myself to do anything outside my home. To this day she still keeps in touch on Facebook. I felt really, really bad for her (and disappointed and upset with myself for not being strong enough to overcome my “outside of my house issues” But really… she’s the only one who hasn’t completely given up on me. I don’t blame people for being so fed up… I’M fed up of myself so I can’t imagine how they all feel!
So yeah,… this has been an eye opener for me. I think I always knew I had this but I just didn’t want to admit it even to myself. I mean come on,… agoraphobia???? Only people on “The Learning Channel” get that… Not me…. But nope… today it was said ~ out loud ~ that I have it. Bad news is… I have just been diagnosed with agoraphobia…. The good news is… It’s apparently highly treatable to overcome.
So with my severe and (very long-standing ~ stubborn) depression (Have had it my whole adult life) and my anxiety and BPD…. I can now add agoraphobia to my list. :-( But, on the plus side…. I don’t have bipolar. :-)
So, now that I have admitted this to myself I can hopefully work with this woman to overcome it. So I will be seeing her once a week for counseling. I can’t tell you the relief I feel just knowing that I now have someone supporting/helping me professionally on a constant and regular basis. I haven’t had that in YEARS.

We also talked a lot about my past and different things I have gone through, etc,... She thinks my first year of life I was traumatized and it has effected me ever since. She wants me to look up "Emotion regualtion develpmental trauma" for next session. I'm not sold on this but I will do the reading.

What happened in my first year of life that could have been so traumatizing for me? I'm still working on that. I think that will have to wait for another blog post. I've rambled on enough in this one.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

So sad

I am so sad today. It's not just the numbing depression anymore... It's this overwhelming sadness... I just want to cry. This mental illness has robbed me of my life. I'm so tired of it. I long to be "normal"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Back on Seroquel :-(

I went to my GP yesterday. I did not tell her about taking all the Tylenol last week. Instead I told her about how 6 months ago I had 3 abnormal liver results in my blood work and my last doctor didn't tell me what that meant so I'm asking her now. She decided to have me go for blood work to get it re-tested. This is exactly what I wanted her to do so I was pleased. Now I will know if my liver was affected last week due to all the Tylenol I took. And my Doctor didn't have to know what I did. I know it isn't smart to not always be honest with your Doctor but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what I had done.
In regards to my meds. She is going to have me continue on with the Cipralex only I'm now doubling the dose from 10mg to 20mg a day. She did not continue any of my anxiety meds which has freaked me out as I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage without them. My seroquel ran out 3 weeks ago so i told her that so she told me to start them up again. I'm not sure how I feel about this as Seroquel has certainly given me problems over the past 4 or 5 yrs I've been taking it. It leaves me feeling completely 'tranquillized' and I find I can't function. Over the past 3 weeks I was off of it I had suddenly 'woken up' I was getting up again at normal hours and not sleeping my life away. It felt nice. But last night I took my 300mg at around 4 in the afternoon. By 6:30pm I couldn't keep my eyes open so went to bed. I didn't wake up again until 1:30 this afternoon. That means I slept for 19 hours!!!!! And that hangover feeling of not fully waking up is back. So I'm really disappointed that I have been told I have to stay on this medication. I feel like this med has robbed me of my life for the past 4 or 5 years.
I have no medical coverage. I am living on a small disability and can't afford meds. So my doctors have been giving me samples from drug reps for years. I am so very grateful for this. I could not be on medication at all if they hadn't done this. So I came home yesterday loaded with my one month supply of meds. Including the dreaded Seroquel. I wished I didn't have to take this drug but it's one of the few the doctors can get through reps so that's why they keep me on it. Although they do insist it is a very effective drug and is doing me a lot of good. I have my doubts. It all comes back to the "Which is worse,... the disease or the side effects of the drugs used to combat it??" I'm so confused I just don't know anymore. I mean really,.... sleeping for 19 hours???? What kind of a life is that? I feel like all I do in my life is sleep. ~ sigh ~ But when doctors insist I'm better off taking it what am I to do?
I'm really getting tired of this mental illness.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

Feeling a touch better

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not only did I manage a shower but I have done 3 loads of laundry as well. But it's 35 degrees and humid as hell here right now so I think I'm done for the day doing anything else. It's just too hot.
Tomorrow I have my GP doctors app't where I go to renew my meds. I think I will tell her that I have been feeling nauseous and light-headed all week ~ But of course won't tell her why. Hopefully she will require I go for blood work so I can check out my liver. Not being truthful with her about what I did with the Tylenol may not be the smartest thing but I'm just too embarrassed and scared to tell her the truth. I have had liver problems in the past so I can tell her that it may be acting up again. Hopefully she will agree and get it checked again.
And a week tomorrow I finally get in to the psych centre for my first assessment appointment.
I am feeling better that it is now a lot closer. Originally my appointment was August 30th!!! But when my doctor realized I was in more of a need (crisis?) she called them and they got me in next week. It is nice to know that they are listening to me when I say that I really am struggling.
Taking it easy and just taking baby steps forward.
I will get through this,...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Yes it was a silly thing to do,...

I'm still not feeling well today. And I know why. I'm the only one who does. Last Monday I did something. I have been struggling so much with my depression and worthlessness over such a long time now. I just couldn't bear it any longer. I have OD'd a few times in the past but it has never worked. I was either found, didn't take the right meds or threw up. So I knew something had to be done differently. I decided that I would take an OD of Tylenol. But, having worked in a medical office I know a lot about this drug. It has a delayed effect. It enters your system and then (if not thrown up or forced to go to hospital for anti-dote or charcoal) it will take up to a week to do the damage to your body. By that time it would be too late to fix. Problem was, I didn't know how many "too many" was going to have to be. I knew I needed to not throw up so I came up with the plan to take 3 every hour for the whole day. And I did until I got to 21. By that time I was so nauseous that I couldn't move from my chair. I couldn't even get water down anymore without feeling like I was going to throw up so I stopped at 21. (wanted to take lots more but I physically couldn't because of the nausea) In the end it obviously wasn't enough because it hasn't done anything to my body. Well, except make me feel completely nauseous for the past 6 days. It has steadily gotten better over the course of this week so that today I just feel 'unwell'.
I'm not going to lie. I am disappointed. I wished I had died. But I can assure you. I won't be doing anything like that again. The nausea has been unbearable and now I realize the whole plan itself was flawed and stupid.
I told my brother (who dropped by a few days ago) that I guess my new medication isn't agreeing with me ~ hence the nausea. He bought it and is none the wiser to my silly fiasco.
My body has now healed. My depression has not. I called the Psych centre where I am waiting for a first appointment (assessment) and told them that I was struggling ~ a lot ~ and that I needed to speak with someone soon. They managed to get me an appointment for July 19th. A week and a half away. So I guess all that I have to do now is just sit tight until then. (I promise you all reading this I will not try to commit suicide) I will not admit to anyone I did this though as I do have an intense fear and hatred of the hospital and as mentioned in my blog before I can't leave my apt as there really isn't anyone to take care of my cat or bills or stuff. I always do much better at home. The hospital just causes me a lot of undue stress and anxiety. I've been admitted 6 or 7 times in the past 15 years and i never felt it ever helped me.
So right now I am just staying in my apartment. I am NOT going to hurt myself. I am just going to sit it out until my appointment. I feel numb and depressed and worthless. I am struggling to do even the simplest of everyday chores. But I think if I can just get up everyday,.. have a shower everyday,... and just stay safe everyday I will be fine. At least I know now that help is just around the corner.
I will be fine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Still here

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I am still here. But struggling so much. I don't understand why I am so paralyzed and can't do anything. Writing seems too hard right now.  :-(

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Feeling really alone

Really having a hard go of it right now. Just can't function. Hate this 'hovering in nowhere land' feeling too sad and depressed to care about life. Only managing to shower and eat everyday. Apartment is a disgrace. Forgot to pay rent. Forgot to deposit cheque. Can't seem to even manage one load of laundry. I wished I didn't live alone. Help would be so appreciated right now. Probably have to admit I'm unable to live on my own right now but have no one else so am forced to. Trying my best to stay above water. But can't help feeling like I'm sinking.