Thursday, September 30, 2021

How did I get here?

 I'm trying. But,... life just isn't fun. I exist. I don't live. I exist.

The money that **** gave me is running out. I have been stock piling things. Toilet paper,... kleenix,... shampoo,... soap,.... everything I will need in the future but will no longer be able to afford now that I am on ODSP. I am striving to have a stockpile of 5 of everything. That way I know I have a few years to coast until everything is gone And when that happens? I don't know. 

I have been trying to live on the allotted $1,169.00 a month. But I can't. It's not possible. When I lost my spousal support,... my friend **** drove down from Wasaga beach during a lockdown to give me $10,000.00. An EXTREMELY generous gift. Her and her husband wanted me to have my rent paid for one year so I could ease my way into this new ODSP hell. Not wanting to affect my ODSP she had to give me cash under the table. With this money,... I put $100 each in individual envelopes and labelled them a different week. I wanted to have $100 a week to spend on groceries and things I needed. But of course, life got hard really, really quickly. I was dipping into those envelopes at an alarming rate. What had originally expanded well into the new year of 2022,... has now dwindled down to less than half. I am well stocked up,... but,... it has definitely shown me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on what I should only have. IT CANNOT BE DONE. Without ****'s generous gift of that $10,000 I would already be starving.

**** you are an angel. You say you wanted to help like it was no big deal. But the gift of that money SAVED MY LIFE and SAVED ME FROM BEING EVICTED. You will never know just how grateful I am. 

But to be honest,... It has just slowed down the inevitable. What happens when this money runs out and I have nothing.

What happens then?

I am scared. I am terrified. Because I know I will not have enough to eat and cloth myself and be able to survive. Who says modern day Canada is a privilege to live in? Because from where I sit,.... I feel like I have been thrown away. 

I am no longer useful to society being disabled and unable to work so I got thrown away. Disposable. No longer wanted or needed. And very few cared. It really did show me how little this society cares about others. As long as YOU get what you need in life,... to hell with others. 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to be alive anymore. I want to leave this life. Theres nothing left here for me anymore. I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting my hands on some fentanyl. One quick hot shot and \it could all be over. You know your ready when that sentence only leaves you feeling relieved. I am so ready to leave this unfair and unjust world. I just have to find the courage and the fentanyl.

Saturday, September 25, 2021

 I woke up sad this morning. I feel empty. I didn't wake up until noon. No reason to get up anymore. I try and waste my time by sleeping.

But now I am awake. Sad. hurt. And feeling empty.

I hate my life and just want to die in my sleep

Friday, September 24, 2021

 I'm so mad,....

This one IS for the ‘friend’ who got so uptight and mad about my comment I made on Facebook.

I said,… “The middle class have no idea how much easier they have it than the poor,…” Wow,… did I get messaged back with a “I didn’t like that comment,… **** and * work very hard for what we have,…. blah,…blah,…fucking blah,…”

Obviously she didn’t even stop to actually read and process what I wrote. I wasn’t even talking about her. I was talking about,….

And now for my last final rant because I am seriously done.

I have been trying over the past few months to get things. Just random things,…. Amazon Prime. Sign up through ROKU and everything is hunky dory until the month end. They cancelled my subscription because I need a credit card to pay for it. (Being told NO) I called customer service and told them I have a $200 Amazon gift card and I will pay for a two year subscription with it – NO,… YOU NEED A CREDIT CARD. So NO Amazon Prime. Do you know you can’t even sign up for Itunes without a credit card? EVERYTHING you do now needs a credit card.

Obviously I don’t have one. I’m poor. I live in fucking poverty.

Tonight I go to Walmart and try and see about a new cheaper phone service. I wait the standard half hour while the ONE person deals with other customers. Finally he gets to me. We talk and pick a new phone and plan that will be cheaper and have more data, etc,… AND I would get $350.00 in Walmart gift cards. I wait forever while he sets me up. Um,… do you have a credit card? here we go,…. No. So he decides he can accept my drivers license and my social insurance number (which I’m sure is illegal to ask for as id) and he seems happy. uh oh,… your drivers license expired 18 DAYS AGO. So we can’t accept it. Well you can imagine my reaction to that. I pled with him. I ask to talk to a supervisor (none on site) nothing. And now,… madder than hell,… I have to WALK back home.

I walked away with no phone. AND ~ not able to get one anywhere. Ever. I am so mad I could spit. This isn’t the first or the second or even the third time I have been told NO you can’t have it ~ all because I don’t have a credit card or drivers license. I can’t sign up with the ride-well transportation service which is geared to low-income people because I don’t have a credit card.

I’m so fed up. I have given up EVERYTHING. Soccer. Ancestry,… everything I enjoyed. I have nothing left. And everywhere I go now I am being told NO ~ You can’t have that.

All because your so fucking poor you don’t even have a credit card or a drivers license (can’t afford to renew and why should I? I don’t drive anymore) This world is so unfair to people in poverty. We do not get the advantages that the middle class get. Driving,…. disposable income,…. hobbies,… holidays,.. CREDIT CARDS. Everything is easily accessible for most of the middle class. But if your poor,… you don’t get to have anything. If this doesn’t make me feel singled out and punished I don’t know what does.

I feel like a low life piece of shit who has to rely on everything I get or do from someone else.

My food ~ the food bank

transportation ~ volunteers

shopping ~ WALK even in winter even when I’m in severe pain. I walk.

My life is fucking hard. And for her to compare her life to mine is laughable. She goes on holidays worth more than I get a month. She has no concept of no groceries in your apartment. She has no concept of needing to go to hospital in the middle of the night but don’t have a car so have to phone an ambulance. I now have four $45.00 bills I can’t pay and creditors after me for it.

Why am I still here? Why? Can anyone give me one good reason to stick around. Cuz aside from Michelle who will be heartbroken but will get over it,… (and I only see 3 or 4 times a year anyway,…) I have nothing to live for. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No money to go there. No car to get there. Just sit in my apartment day after day after fucking day. I can’t do it. It’s not a life. It’s a bloody existence and a hard one at that. Why should I continue this struggle? It’s been 21 years of nothing but struggle. And now on ODSP it’s gotten incredibly worse. Every month I lose something else I can’t pay for.

My life is now empty. Completely empty. What is my purpose? I don’t have one. I’m just wasting air

And so,... this is it for me. Nothing but a life of struggle and poverty.

 I am depressed. Actually,... I don't know if it's actual depression or if it's my situation. I just know I am not getting by on this ODSP $1,169.00 a month. Living on that amount is impossible. And more to the  point,... why should I? I didn't ask to be disabled. I didn't ask for Fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to be mentally ill. But because of these things no one wants me and I was thrown away.

Just the thought that no one seems to want me and I was thrown away to the wolves to fend for myself is enough to depress anyone.

But now add that for the rest of my life I have to live in poverty. POVERTY. And why? What did I do that was so terrible in this life that for the past 20 years I have done nothing but struggle. When do I get to rest. When do I get to enjoy? I don't. This is it for me. Poverty and depression.

I don't think I'm going to be hanging around for a whole lot longer.

There is zero JOY.  Just struggle and depression. 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

I've limped home

 I feel like I have limped back over here with my tail between my legs. I am defeated.

Just let me come back home here and cry for a while.

My heart is broken. Too sad to write.

But I'm coming back here.

I always come back here when I need to hide from the world.

And right now,... I am broken and need to curl up in my home and heal for a bit. I need to hide and lick my wounds.

But I will be back to write.