I'm trying. But,... life just isn't fun. I exist. I don't live. I exist.
The money that **** gave me is running out. I have been stock piling things. Toilet paper,... kleenix,... shampoo,... soap,.... everything I will need in the future but will no longer be able to afford now that I am on ODSP. I am striving to have a stockpile of 5 of everything. That way I know I have a few years to coast until everything is gone And when that happens? I don't know.
I have been trying to live on the allotted $1,169.00 a month. But I can't. It's not possible. When I lost my spousal support,... my friend **** drove down from Wasaga beach during a lockdown to give me $10,000.00. An EXTREMELY generous gift. Her and her husband wanted me to have my rent paid for one year so I could ease my way into this new ODSP hell. Not wanting to affect my ODSP she had to give me cash under the table. With this money,... I put $100 each in individual envelopes and labelled them a different week. I wanted to have $100 a week to spend on groceries and things I needed. But of course, life got hard really, really quickly. I was dipping into those envelopes at an alarming rate. What had originally expanded well into the new year of 2022,... has now dwindled down to less than half. I am well stocked up,... but,... it has definitely shown me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on what I should only have. IT CANNOT BE DONE. Without ****'s generous gift of that $10,000 I would already be starving.
**** you are an angel. You say you wanted to help like it was no big deal. But the gift of that money SAVED MY LIFE and SAVED ME FROM BEING EVICTED. You will never know just how grateful I am.
But to be honest,... It has just slowed down the inevitable. What happens when this money runs out and I have nothing.
What happens then?
I am scared. I am terrified. Because I know I will not have enough to eat and cloth myself and be able to survive. Who says modern day Canada is a privilege to live in? Because from where I sit,.... I feel like I have been thrown away.
I am no longer useful to society being disabled and unable to work so I got thrown away. Disposable. No longer wanted or needed. And very few cared. It really did show me how little this society cares about others. As long as YOU get what you need in life,... to hell with others.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to be alive anymore. I want to leave this life. Theres nothing left here for me anymore. I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting my hands on some fentanyl. One quick hot shot and \it could all be over. You know your ready when that sentence only leaves you feeling relieved. I am so ready to leave this unfair and unjust world. I just have to find the courage and the fentanyl.