Tuesday, January 19, 2021

 Well I won't be able to write this one on my other blog so here goes truth,...

I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to end my life. But I don't know how. I have tried and failed in the past and this one CANNOT BE A FAIL ~ It has to be my end.

I've been having trouble with people in my building. That's no secret. I've been writing how frustrated they have made me over the past year. Well it seems when I told a neighbour to put on her mask,.... for the millionth time so I can walk by her she didn't. So I said "Fine, It's an $880.00 ~ just saying". Well an hour later the police are here. I was 'name-calling'    O M FUCKING God! You have got to be kidding me. She called the police over name calling??????? 

So, It would seem that these neighbours have declared war on me. 

I have to live here. I hate it here now. But there is no where else to go. I am on the bottom rung of the ladder. I am stuck here. And I cannot even afford HERE so the next rung is homeless. 

I HATE MY LIFE AND I WANT TO DIE! If anyone out there can help me with that,.... please get in touch,.... because I just really need to be gone.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

Jacquie,... Jake,... and Mathilda,...

Before I start getting into this,.... I cannot express enough that I DO NOT HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES!!! I say this because even though I have never told anyone about this, I did tell a psychiatrist in one of the psychiatric hospitals I had been in, and he diagnosed me with Dissociative identity disorder. I didn't know what that was and I had to look it up.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. The disorder is accompanied by memory gaps beyond what would be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. Dissociative disorders involve experiencing a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions and identity. People with dissociative disorders escape reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy and cause problems with functioning in everyday life. Dissociative disorders usually develop as a reaction to trauma and help keep difficult memories at bay. Symptoms — ranging from amnesia to alternate identities — depend in part on the type of dissociative disorder you have. Times of stress can temporarily worsen symptoms, making them more obvious.

Hmmmmm,... I do not think that this is me at all. But,....

My name is "Jacquie". But I have two other 'alter egos'. (How to explain this without sounding crazy,...) I tend to morph into what ever 'ego' I need for any particular situation. These are NOT 3 distinct personalities,... They are 3 facets of my one personality,.... Jacquie. And I am aware of all 3 at all times. I don't compartmentalize these egos. They all know about each other. It's just that one will be dominant and they end up in control.

Jacquie is the largest one. She has been running the show the most. She is average. She just wants to live her life peacefully. She is a bit of a hippy. Peace and love all the way. She is fair. Stable. Plain. And kind. And loves to help people. She has a special bond with animals and loves her pets. She is the one that most people meet.

Then there's 'Mathilda' - I once had a blog all about her named "Waltzing with Mathilda" but have since lost it somewhere. Mathilda is mentally ill. Her life is a train wreck. She is always unwell mentally. Mathilda goes through life holding on by the skin of her teeth. She disassociates all the time. She is the one that is self-destructive. She is a cutter. When Mathilda is running things I always end up with new cuts. I tend to revert back to her when I can't cope with life. Mathilda is agoraphobic and does not leave the apartment. She is delicate and fragile. She breaks easily.

And finally there is "Jake" - Jake is hard. And tough. She takes no crap from anyone. She is volatile and destructive. Jake is the one who causes me to get into so much trouble. Jake is a fighter. She is the one who keeps me going. She refuses to quit. She is bitter and resentful of her life and generally is miserable. No one wants to antagonize Jake. She can and will explode!!!

And the three of them makes up one "me"

I just re-read all this and I can see how it's going to look absolutely crazy to people. Maybe I have explained it wrong. It's quite complicated. Does anyone else have alter ego's? (besides Beyoncé as Sasha Fierce or Eminem with Slim Shady? I don't think this is the same thing as them though)

I don't even know what else to say about it. I think I just had to FINALLY get it out into the open. To write it down. I've been hiding it my whole life. And now that it's out there,.... I feel nervous. I'm not sure I really want anyone else to know about it. I know they won't understand properly. But I just felt compelled to get it off my chest. And now I have,...