Sunday, November 20, 2011

I feel frozen

"There is an invisible cage, a delicate netting of glass, an ice sculpture surrounding me that no one can walk through. I'm cold. I've frozen into someone who just can't be touched. I dare you to try."

--More. Now. Again--   ~Elizabeth Wurtzel

I couldn't have said it any better if I had written this myself. My life is lonely and empty but I still refuse to let anyone in.
So sad.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

"My Medical Vacation"

I seem to be hitting a patch of "Don't want to go to bed" right now. Very weird. I will sit up all night long watching TV and hanging out on twitter until I literally cannot keep my eyes open.


What is it that won't allow me to go to bed at 11:00pm (or some other reasonable hour) like everybody else? I have a few theories but there only guesses.

ONE): I have been a natural "up all night - sleep all day" girl since I had my first night job when I was 18 years old. That set my inner clock and I have never been able to change it no matter what I do. And believe me ~ I have tried every trick or suggestion I could. Nothing ever worked.

TWO): I have been fighting my sleep issues for over 30 years now and my anxiety towards sleep is off the scale. I think that I now just don't want to go to bed because going to bed will start the high anxiety. I lay awake unable to fall asleep which creates the anxiety that I just can't seem to stop. It gets worse with each passing year. Now, I just think I can't be bothered with the fight. So I sub-consciously avoid it by just not going to bed at all.

This is a serious problem for me and it has affected my entire life.

The past month has been especially bad. I stay awake for 24 - 36 hours at a time until I just can't function anymore and ~ eventually ~ fall asleep.

This has caused me to resort to my old - but fairly dangerous - solution of what I have termed "My medical Vacation" I used to take 800 mg of Seroquel everyday for 2 years so I am well aware of its sedating effects. Hell, it had me walking around like a zombie for two full years. Totally catatonic! Now, since I went into hospital they knocked it back to 150 mg - so much more reasonable. But,... when I have gone for a long time without sleep and feel I just can't take it anymore, I will take 800 mg to 1200 mg at once just so that I will pass out and sleep for a long time. Usually 14 to 20 hours at a stretch. I wake up a little groggy (ok, a lot groggy,..) but once the sedating feeling has passed I finally feel refreshed. It's heaven. I don't do this very often - for obvious reasons (probably not the safest thing in the world to do) but I just get to a point where I'm so exhausted I can't even function.

The past few weeks I have been slipping in quite a few ways. Not sleeping,... getting more depressed,... not wanting to talk to anyone,... not leaving my apartment,.... I can feel it happening but I don't feel like I have the ability to stop it. It's just getting worse with each passing day. This,... is not good.

So I continue with my "Just do 3 things a day" plan.
1)  I always make sure I have a shower every day
2)  I always make sure the dishes are done & the apt tidied up every night
3)  feed the cat and scoop the litter box everyday

May not sound like a chore for anyone else, but right now,... to me,... it feels like climbing Mount Everest.

Today I had a little break-down about it all. I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. It's just getting to be too difficult. I just thought how wonderful it would be if someone just came to my rescue and took care of me for awhile. Financially, physically and mentally,.... I've been struggling on my own for many, many years now and I'm tired. I really am just completely tired of the struggle. I really do wish I could sink back into my childhood and have my parents tell me it will all be alright and they will take care of me,... But this is one wish that is never going to come true.

I'm so tired

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Today should be “Day 98″ of being clean. But instead, I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I fell off the wagon 4 days ago so I have to start all over again. Today is now only “Day 4″. Now it wasn’t a big fall, but a fall none the less. In an addicts world,… ANY slip up is dangerous.
I have not been sleeping much over the past few weeks. I have been afflicted with a toothache that has been relentless. (and before you all go telling me just to go to a dentist,… I don’t have any medical or dental coverage at all and I just don’t have that kind of money for dentists) So I have been doing the warm salt water rinses, sensydine toothpaste, and lots of mouthwash. But the pain has not receded. It comes and goes. But when it is here it is brutal and really wears you down. So after having this off and on for over 2 weeks I broke down and took some painkillers I had left over from my wrist surgery last fall. In my recovery, ANY medication not prescribed to me (especially strong pain killers) is an absolute no-no. I took these Tylenol 3′s with codeine for two days straight. They barely touched the pain. So I had them with alcohol. And then in larger doses. That definitely helped the pain. But once that delicious “zone out” feeling hit me I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t want to stop taking them. It is just indescribable how strong the urge to keep on taking more and more and more was. But,… I stopped. ~ Reluctantly,… but I did.
Last Friday my Transitional Nurse from “Homewood Hospital” came to see me. We had quite a long chat which turned out to be a major break-through for me. Well,… at the time, It was more of a break-down. We finally talked about stuff that was difficult and painful for me and I ended up a sobbing mess. Now she said that it was a “great” thing to have happened. I just felt drained and upset. In my book,… if you just stuff it down far enough and never think about it ~ then it can’t hurt you. Apparently not so. And she obviously called my psychiatrist about it because when I went to see him on Tuesday he thought it would be a wonderful thing to just bring it all back up once again. So, that day turned out to be a big drain to me too.
So I think with that and the toothache I was just feeling so worn down and weak. I have to think this is how I broke down and took the painkillers ~ with alcohol ~ in larger doses than necessary,… But when I woke up the morning after I felt terrible. All that hard work I had done to stay off these medications and in one weak moment I crashed and gave in. It’s a really horrible feeling because it just screams FAIL.
I am obviously still depressed too. I haven’t left my apartment in weeks except for the doctors appointment and to get groceries. And right at this particular moment I don’t feel strong enough to fix that. I’m just not ready to go outside unless I absolutely have to.
I had an appt with my therapist last week. She has told me there’s a group that starts in January for PTSD that she wants me to go to as she feels it would really help me with this ‘can’t leave the apt’ issue. (Becasue of what happened to me) I suppose I really should go but, hence the obvious,…. I would have to leave my apartment and interact and socialize with people. But, if she thinks it would be helpful then I will go. My friend A***** (who I met in the hospital) is going too so that will be very helpful. I’ll have someone to go with so I’m not too overwhelmed anxious.
Well, as you can see I am kind of all over the place right now. Still struggling along and finding things difficult. But still not giving up.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


November 1st 2011 ~ Crash.
I really did have high hopes that my last hospitalization would give me the tools and motivation to look upwards and forward. I have fought this depression for so long that it would be lovely to finally feel happiness and joy. I look at people around me and they are so enthusiastic about their lives. They have plans everyday. They bustle about "doing stuff" and enjoying it. They actually get something out of life. I am so envious of this.
I seem to live on this fluctuating line that goes from "blah" but often dips down to "depressed". I never seem to rise above that line.
I have tried very hard over the past few months to get better. But I haven't. I was suppose to go to all these groups and classes for my out-patient care but ended up dropping out of all of them because of my severe sleeping issues that has me not being able to get out of bed before noon and therefore missing all the scheduled groups. Please understand,... I am not lazy. I just have this up-all-night,... sleep all day,... cycle that has been ingrained inside of me since I was a child and try as I might I just cannot change it. This has obviously caused a great deal of upset in my life. It makes me different from everyone else. It makes it so I don't have a working or social life because I can't get out of bed. I simply cannot explain properly how difficult it is for me to reverse this cycle. But believe me I have tried. Time and time again.... only to revert back to going to bed at 3 and waking up at noon. It's frustrating to say the least.
This makes me feel like a lazy failure and that causes all the other areas of my life to suffer. No social life (meaning no friends) I can't hold down a job (which means I live in poverty which can be down right exhausting mentally).
I have lived this way for over 30 years now. My last hospitalization was a real hope for me to finally change. I gave it all I had. But here I am ~ just two months later ~ right back to where I always seem to be. I am so disappointed in myself.
I have reverted back to staying inside my apartment. I only go out if I need to and even then I usually wait until the evening when it's dark so there's less of a chance of running into anyone. I can't explain why, but I just hate interacting with people. I've never been able to explain why. I just hate it. So i avoid people at all costs. Hiding away inside my flat.
Most days all I can manage is a shower and to keep the dishes and kitchen clean. But everything else exhausts me. I have no motivation physically or mentally. I just watch TV or go on the Internet. I have become very attached to my mental health community on twitter. They are my only friends and my link to the outside world.
Why do I not want to interact with people? Why do I find it so difficult? My life has now been reduced to one small apartment with my TV, computer and cat. This isn't a life. This is just an existence. But I just don't have it in me to change. Right now I can't even be bothered to change it. I'm too depressed.
I can't help feeling like my life is just one big FAIL
I am once again totally enveloped in my Black Fog.