Monday, April 25, 2011

Slowly on the rise??

I actually had a good long weekend. I didn't think I would because it is the first Easter without my Mom. In the past, my 2 daughters and I always went to my Moms for dinner. But with her passing away we obviously didn't do that. And with her passing being so recent it made it all the more difficult. I felt really sad. But I tried my best to stay distracted. My youngest daughter spent the whole weekend with me which was great. Because my stove here in the cave,... dungeon,.. mausoleum,.. er I mean flat is broken I couldn't cook a nice Easter meal like I wanted so I took her out to a restaurant instead. I couldn't afford it but because I NEVER eat out I considered it a special treat and put it on the credit card. It was fun. The NHL playoffs were on and her being such a huge Flyer's fan we decided to sit near a TV and we just relaxed and watched the game. I haven't done anything like that in a very long time. The past two years I've been so depressed I have barely left my apartment let alone actually "socialized" So because I actually felt relaxed (no anxiety!) and enjoyed myself, I'm wondering if that means I really am taking a step forward and getting better. Even though the past 3 months have been incredibly challenging with some really stressful situations, I do find that overall my mood has been better. Not great,... but better,....  So I remain optimistic.
My moods are notorious for their swings. One day I feel good. The next day,... or even that same day later,... I can plummet to suicidal. I've been fighting this for over 30 years. But right now,... I'm having more upbeat moods than down. That is a positive change.
So, I am cautiously puttering along. I want to embrace happiness. But it's always a chaotic journey with me so I am just taking things one day at a time. Today was good. I can only hope tomorrow will be too. :-)

~ Only ONE WEEK until I move out of this basement flat ~
Yeah,..... :-)  :-)  :-)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sunnier Outlook

Yesterday I had an appointment with my new Family Doctor in Elora. I liked her. Obviously it’s hard to know how she’ll be in the long run but our first appointment went well. She seems to listen which my last Doctor didn’t really do. Todays appointment was more of a “meet & greet” with her also taking my whole medical history. We did obviously touch on my mental health and all the medication issues I have been having. We had to as I’m out of medication so she had to prescribe something. She decided to stick with what I was already on for the time being. At first I was kind of disappointed as I really do want to get off this damn Seroquel. But she took the time to explain that right now she has no past records so doesn’t really have a diagnoses except for all the different ones I’ve been given in the past. She explained that after I receive all my medical records from my last GP as well as the last two psychiatrists I saw over the past 5 years she will be able to decide for herself where I stand. She is going to refer me to a new psychiatrist in that area (although she did warn me it can take a very long time as the demand is high). Once I get seeing the new Psychiatrist, they can take the time to give me a proper more accurate diagnosis so that I can change my medication accordingly. But unfortunately all this will take time. Obviously I am disappointed in having to wait but if that’s what I have to do then I will do it. I will just have to make-do with the Seroquel for a while longer. But at least the ball is rolling. Things will change. I just have to be patient. Afterall, I have been dealing with this medication problem for years and years. I’m sure I can live with it for another few months. The important thing is that this Doctor is listening and wants to help and is taking the time to do it properly. That is what I have been wanting all along. So i am feeling really optimistic about this new Doctor.
Despite the cold, after the doctor’s appointment I took a walk through Elora. What a pretty, quaint little town! So many tiny little boutiques and shops and cafes and pubs,etc,…. Most sitting right on the river. It felt good to get outside and clear my head and just take in all the sights. If I thought it was pretty on a cold and gray day I can’t wait to go back and enjoy it on a warm summer day!
When I knew I had to get out of this apartment that I am in now, I really didn’t care where I moved to just so long as it had heat and working appliances. I was more in “I have to find somewhere that has an available apartment for rent NOW” mode than where I wanted to live. I think it was fate that my brother suggested and encouraged me to look in Fergus. It had to be fate. Because in the whole Orangeville/Alliston/Tottenham area no one seemed to have an apartment available right away. Only Fergus offered one. So off G*** and I went to have a look at it. I wasn’t overly excited about ”the flat” at first. (as I have affectionately begun to refer to it as) As I mentioned before it is small and really neglected in the “cleaning” department. I was luke-warm about the whole place. But I took it. It meant I could move out of here and at the time that’s all I was thinking about. But having had the opportunity to go to Fergus for different errands that needed doing, I now had the time to look around properly. I saw a lot of positives. Fegus in general is another pretty and quaint little town. It’s just the right size. (I much prefer small-town living than the city) and yet it’s close to Orangeville and Guelph so I have everything I need just a short drive away. I am walking distance to downtown which is so beautiful. It’s definitely has a “village” feel to it. I can see myself going for many walks there exploring all it has to offer. And then there’s the fact that it’s close to G*** & L***.  My brother is now all I have left of (the Morgan) family. Suddenly I feel the need to be closer to him. I am looking forward to spending some time with him and his family. (But not too much time,… haha,…. Less is more sometimes,…. have to find that healthy balance,…. no one wants the “Frank & Marie Barone Parents” living on their doorstep,…)
Now, I am starting to look forward to my future. That is something I haven’t done in a very long time.
I also had a bit of a sad moment yesterday. Moms retirement home was in Elora. As I was driving there I suddenly realized that I couldn’t turn on to the street she had been on because she wasn’t there. Before this, the only reason I would ever have been in Elora or on that particular road would have been to visit Mom. So that’s what this drive represented to me. I had this over-whelming urge to drive to the retirement home and see her. It was a hard reality for me to realize she wasn’t there and she never would be again. I couldn’t hold back the tears. All these moments where you remember she is no longer with us are difficult. They hit you at the least expected time. like thunderbolts they strike your heart from out of nowhere. It still seems so unreal to me that I will never see her again. So sad.  ~ sigh ~
Anyway,…. Today I am going to stay in and read. It’s not as nice outside as I was hoping it was going to be (Where has our Spring gone Mother Nature??) I bought 2 books at the Fergus market yesterday so I think I’ll put some coffee on and snuggle up with MaggieMay for a good read this afternoon. Haven’t done that in a while so I’m looking forward to the escape. My life has been so hectic lately that I really need some down time.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

teetering between two worlds

I have two worlds I live between.
 I have my "real" world which is my friends and family. I have a "real" Facebook, Twitter and Blog for this world. My writing and communicating in this world is very watered down.
I have my "mental Illness" world which is my Twitter, Facebook and Blog in a community I have built up with many other people who suffer from and write about their struggles, pain, recuperation and health with mental illness. This community is tight. I have grown to like all my friends here. I read their blogs and status updates like I am catching up with an old friend. I can be completely honest when I write on this side of my world.
But lately I have been sitting on the fence between the two. For some reason I have backed away from reading and writing as Indigo Rose or put much effort into my blog here. I don't know why. I think it might be because I was getting too involved in other peoples lives here. I think I was getting too involved in the whole "mental Illness" world. It was comforting to me to read about others going through the same struggles as me. It was comforting to be so completely honest and not be judged because of it. But,... was it also triggering?
I struggle with depression,... BPD,..... self harm and eating issues. Does reading about others direct problems with these same issues allow me to continue my behaviour because "others do it too" so I'm not the only freak. Or does reading about their struggles help me? I don't know.
So I have stood back a bit to give myself some time to think.
I am still very sick. But due to some things that have happened over the past few months I have been forced to step up and deal with them. (moving, then having to move again 9 weeks later and my Moms illness and then her passing away less than 2 weeks ago) But I know I am just going through the motions. I know I am "acting" for the sake of others. And when I get right down to it,... I don't feel like I belong in their "normal" world. I don't feel like I completely fit it no matter how much I "act". My illness makes me different and a lot of people don't understand me becasue of it. I feel like people "put up with me" just to be polite rather than really liking me and wanting me to be around them. (Is this making any sense at all?????)
But no matter how well I am looking, the truth is I don't seem to be getting well at all.
So I'm coming back to my friends here in this community once again. Maybe I'm wrong and reading their blogs and posts really IS helping me. I know I have missed being a part of it all. Sometimes I feel like even though I've never even met anyone here on these sites I consider them dear friends. Some of them have disappeared over the past month or so and I can't seem to find their new blogs. But most of them are still here. I took some time today to read a lot of the blogs and twitter updates. And I was happy to realize that this comforted me.
So I'm going to try harder to stay apart of this community once again.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

struggling along,...

Boy, the past two weeks have been hard.
I recovered from that flu after 24 hours or so. Guess it really was just the old-fashioned flu. Felt good for a couple of days. Made myself get out every single day. Very important for people with depression. Sunshine and motivation really does make a big difference in mood.
 I got a call from the new apartment owner on Monday saying I would definitely have the keys to my new place on May 2nd. So that was good news. B***, who has so kindly offered to do the move for me, came over and we made some plans. I think we’re going to plan the move in a few stages. The apartment is so tiny that I think moving in one day would just fill the whole place with boxes and leave no room to move. So i am hoping to go in there on the day I get the keys and do a MAJOR clean. (If you’ll remember I said it was horribly filthy due to it being occupied by a an old gentleman who wasn’t able to walk let alone clean so it was quite neglected) The next day, I want to bring all the kitchen boxes and put all that away in the cupboards. The next day, the bathroom and closets. That will take care of quite a few of the boxes. Then B*** and I will do the actual truck move. It’s going to be a tiring time but overall I do believe it will be easier in the end. I’m so grateful that I have B*** helping me. I really was terribly worried about how I would manage to do it on my own. Now that I have dates I can plan much better. So it looks like things will be happening a bit earlier than I thought so that is good news.
Ever since I had the argument with the Landlords wife things have gotten worse here. Suddenly there is much more noise. It’s almost like they’re mad at me and waging a noise campaign to drive me crazy. The banging and stomping around and yelling is definitely worse since the argument. They are also playing games with my shower time. I never had a problem before the argument but now every single day I have had a shower they have suddenly turned the washing machine or dishwasher on (so that suddenly there is NO water coming out of the tap) or just flush the toilets so I get burned. I even heard them laughing when they did it. (As I said earlier, there is NO sound-proofing at all so I can hear everything they say) It’s just so juvenile but also very annoying. I haven’t been getting any sleep because of all the extra noise. Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I have bad sleeping issues to begin with. If I take my medication (Seroquel) then I sleep for about 12 – 15 hours at a time. So I really don’t like taking it and lately have not been. But when I don’t take it I have the total opposite effect of insomnia. The past 4 nights I have not taken it and haven’t slept much at all. Add on all the extra noise that suddenly has appeared I am finding it really difficult. I went to bed at 11:30 last night and didn’t sleep at all. Finally at 6 this morning I gave up when all the upstairs noise started. So today I am really quite tired. I had made an appointment with my cousin in Newmarket to get my hair cut at 1:00 but ended up cancelling. I just feel awful. Not getting sleep for several nights running has really effected me. Tonight I will be breaking down and taking my Seroquel just so I can get some sleep. because tomorrow I am driving into Fergus to see L*** so we can finish up some stuff for Moms funeral. I don’t want to be sleep deprived for the hour-long drive there. I think I will feel so much better if I can just get a good nights sleep!!!!!
I also had some kind of allergic reaction to something in the past day. My eyes are all swollen and my skin has gotten all itchy and blotchy. Haven’t a clue why that is. I just took a Benadryl and hope it will be gone tomorrow.
I’m feeling rather down today as well. probably due to Moms passing as well as the sleepless nights. The silly noise and shower games the people upstairs are playing isn’t helping either. But, I think I will just stay in and relax today. Hopefully that will help. Get an early night and a good sleep under my belt and I think I will feel a bit more up-beat tomorrow. Hopefully it’s just the situation and not a set-back on the depression. I can’t tell. I’m sure an afternoon with L*** will help as well as she is always happy and positive which is infectious. I am secretly envious of people who seem to be able to look at a glass half full ALL of the time. To be naturally happy would be a wonderful blessing. I get resentful at times that happiness for me seems to be a struggle that I have to work at daily. How great it would be to never feel depression again. ~ sigh ~ Well, hopefully this new Doctor in Fergus I will be seeing on Monday can help with that. A good understanding Doctor can be the difference between healthy and unwell to a person who suffers with depression. Fingers crossed she can help me get back on the up-swing once again.
Anyway, I am so tired I don’t think I am even thinking straight right now. Not good for writing as I tend to ramble and carry on not making a lot of sense and boring to boot. So I will stop here then.
Next entry? POSITIVITY!!!! I am moving in two weeks and that means light at the end of the tunnel. Right?????

Don't seem to be moving forward at all

Haven't been writing much on here lately. I think it's a combination of my Mom passing away less than 2 wks ago and trying to do all the stuff needed for the funeral, etc,... while feeling like all I want to do is stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep for the rest of my life.
I'm finding it really hard to be positive about my future. Everyone keeps saying that once I get out of this horrible flat I was conned into things will get better. They keep talking about "Once I move and get a job I will feel more normal and life will get better,..." I have been hiding how bad I am because with my Mom dying my family has enough on their plate without me having another breakdown and giving them something else to be worried and stressed about. But the truth is, I put on a smile when I'm around them and lie by making them think I am much better. I give them the impression that I am up early everyday ~ I get things done ~ I go to bed at a normal hour ~ and things are getting much better with my depression. But I am lying. They all live in different cities so it's easy to lie. The truth is I am not doing well. I haven't been doing well for a very long time.
Moving into this nightmare flat has been so stressful. Having to move for a second time in two and a half months is stressful. Putting up with all the issues going on in this apt until I move again is stressful. And people just think that once I move I will get a job and life will be honky-dory once again. But truthfully,... I'm not ready for a job. I am still depressed. I still cry everyday. I still have no stability with my sleeping patterns (When i take my Seroquel I sleep all day ~ when I don't take it I can't sleep at all) I still think about dying all the time. Life seems so futile to me. My future seems too bleak to me to bother carrying on. My financial situation is horrible and I'm sick of people hounding me for money all the time. It would all be so much easier if I would just go to sleep and never wake up.
But apparently I'm putting on quite a show because no one sees any of this. It's exhausting "acting" normal when I am with family (my daughters and brother and aunt) I literally have to psych myself up for when I am with them and then once I leave I usually burst into tears and feel exhausted. Life just seems too hard right now. Everything seems like it's just too hard to accomplish. I'm overwhelmed with it all.
Once I move, people are expecting me to get a job. I know I'm not stable enough for that. They are all going to be so disappointed in me. I know they are all going to just give up on me ~ fed up that I just can't seem to get well. Lets face it,... a depressed person is not fun to be around and people tire of it real quick. I disappoint people all the time. i disappoint myself all the time. But HOW do I finally get well??? I want to get well. I just don't. I feel like a complete and total failure.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Now I'm sick on top of it all ~ Ughhhh,....

Oh dear,... It's 5:26am and I am still up. I seem to have quite a dodgy tummy at the moment. Yuck! I'm sure its all the stress. When I get stressed out and find myself struggling to cope my stomach usually pays the price. And tonight ~ It's definitely paying the price. I can't even keep water down at the moment. So I think for the rest of today I will be tucked up in bed trying to recuperate.
Tea, toast and sympathy time I think.  And hot chicken noodle soup if I can find someone to bring it to me.
I'm telling you,... I will be so much happier once all this stuff is behind me. Because I really don't cope with stress and upset well at all.

Rambling Thoughts

Well it certainly has been one heck of a week. I’m still trying to let it all sink in as right now it just doesn’t seem real. Just one week ago today Hayley and I were in Fergus with Nana. Now,… only 7 short days later she is gone and the funeral is over. It just doesn’t seem possible. It’s been a blur. I have purposely kept myself very busy. Distraction has been good. You don’t have time to fall apart or break down when your busy with errands and things that need done. But now that it’s all over,… I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I thought I was doing quite well considering. But tonight I finally broke. All over something so stupid too. Hayley has been with me the entire week so I haven’t had to be alone. Today we forced ourselves to get out. We drove into Newmarket to see the movie “Soul Surfer” and then came home to make a nice pork chop and roasted veggie and potatoes dinner. In my financial situation a nice roasted Sunday dinner is a rarity for me but I felt it would be a nice treat after such a difficult week. I put the dinner in the oven and waited. 45 minutes later it was barely warm let alone cooked. The stove was broken. I tried cooking it until it would be done but after 2 hours I knew it was futile. I drove Hayley home – giving her no dinner – and then came back and took my half-cooked meal out. I dumped it on the stove top and then,… proceeded to unravel. I phoned the landlord upstairs but by this time it was 9:00pm so i just told them the stove was broken but I didn’t want them coming down then to check it out as it was just too late. I’m not sure how it got started but the Landlords wife and I got into a big fight. I think all the things that have gone wrong in this apartment had all added up and the broken stove was the straw that broke the camels back. I don’t mean I was screaming or anything but I didn’t hold back on what I thought of their “Family Rec Room” that they have tried to con me into believing is an “apartment”.  The conversation lasted about 5 minutes with her only wanting to know the date I’m leaving. She denied any issues were their fault and basically accused me of having too high of standards. Blah, blah, blah,….. I ended up hanging up on her.
After hanging up I was so upset that I was shaking. I ended up downing two glasses of red wine just to calm down. (Which is so not like me as I rarely drink – I just wanted to stop crying) After an hour I fired off an email to the landlord apologizing for becoming so upset with his wife – but I would NOT apologize for the reasons why. I told him I was wrong to get so upset and I felt bad but I have just had enough of all their little “issues” around here. I told him I didn’t want to cause anyone any trouble. I just want to keep myself to myself until I could get myself out of here.  I mean, I DO feel bad as I handled it so badly. (I only hope they can appreciate losing Mom this week has left me raw and emotional and hope they can accept my apology) But that DOESN’T leave them off the hook for anything they have put me through by conning me into this apartment. Having to move again has been very stressful and expensive. For two months I don’t feel like I have a home. I feel like I’m camping. Living out of boxes,… tripping over extension cords,… ahhhh,… I’m starting to rant again. Now is not the time for that.
Moving on,… after the email, I sat on the couch and promptly burst into a flood of tears again and couldn’t stop. I sobbed my little heart out. I think we all know the tears were for Nana and not a ruined Sunday Dinner and a broken stove. But it did worry me that I cracked when I was coping so well there for the week. So I just let myself cry it out. (and that took a while,…) and now I feel totally, emotionally drained. Is this a good thing? Is this what I needed to do but couldn’t while I was so busy all week? Or am I slipping backwards into my world of depression again. I’m hoping it’s the former and not the latter. I’m hoping that I will crawl into bed tonight and sleep (finally,… SLEEP!) and wake up feeling better about the whole situation. Grief is a funny thing. No two people seem to do it the same. But with me, I worry about my emotions. I never know what is grief and what is my mental illness (depression). Or if they are both intertwined right now. I suppose I’m a little bit scared that I will/am sinking back down to where I was a few months ago. (And that was not a good place). Me + stress + upset = not being able to cope. So I guess I just have to be aware of this and try harder to focus on looking forward. If I can just look ahead,… If I can just make it to getting this second move done and over with,…. If i can just aim for that goal and reach it I will be alright. I am guardedly, shakily optimistic I can and will get through it.
I feel a bit resentful right now that this whole apartment fiasco has robbed me of my time and space to grieve my Mom. I wished I had time to just sit back and absorb and reflect her loss. To have a clear mind so I could be able to remember all of the wonderful times I had with her. But instead, I’m having to deal with “The Landlord” and the problems here in this apartment. With living in such frustrating conditions. But,… C’est Levee,… this is my lot in life right now.
Maybe that good cry will have done me a world of good. Maybe it was the best thing for me tonight. Get it all out.
I’m probably not making a blind bit of sense right now. I feel like I’m just rambling. But I think I can be forgiven for being a bit “all over the place” at the moment. It’s been a really difficult week. And I don’t know where I’m at just yet. I thought putting a few words onto my blog might sort my head out a bit but to be honest,… I don’t think it did. I think I’m going to need a few more days before I’m able to pull myself together. Gather my thoughts properly.
Until then, I just can’t help feeling really sad that Mom is gone. I miss her so much it hurts my heart.  :-(

Monday, April 4, 2011

I am numb

My mom passed away in the early hours of this morning. I am numb. I knew it was coming but it still shocked me when my brother called at 5:30am to tell me.
I am numb.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Not a good time to be so depressed

Drove out to Fergus today to see my Mom. She is in hospital right now. And not doing well. She has decided to refuse all further medications and procedures. She is deteriorating fast. Today she looked so frail and weak. She was having a bit of trouble breathing so I called in the nurse and they gave her some morphine. It's hard watching her so ill. It was only a few weeks ago my brother and I were scolding her for being such a pain to all the nurses and doctors. But now,... in such a short time she has gotten so much worse. No more naughty Nana. (That's how we knew she wasn't doing too bad ~ she was a cantankerous old grump to everyone) Today she was quiet. Fading in and out. I don't think she has much longer.
I have decided that even though she lives an hour away I am still going to drive out there everyday and sit with her. No one knows how much longer she has. My Mom and I have had some epic troubles in the past. She has never understood the problems I face having a mental illness. I have resented her for not understanding. But still we had a relationship. We still loved each other. And right now none of that past stuff matters. Right now she is my Mom and she is dying. I will be there for her every minute I can.
I drove home with a heavy heart.
My depression is paralyzing me. It's not a good time for me to be so sick. But I can't shake it. I am trying. I don't want to be so sad and depressed. WHY can't I just move on? My mom needs me. I'm trying my very best. I think I'm being there for her. I don't know. I'm so messed up mentally I don't know. I'm not eating again. I'm not sleeping. I'm a mess.
But I really am trying. i don't want to let my mom down.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Why did I even move

This whole moving fiasco has done me in. Moving once was stressful enough. Running into all these problems and then having to move again has been too much. I should never have made the decision to move in the first place. I may have been 3 and a half hours away from my family but I was in a nice, clean large apartment. Moving to this area has been EXPENSIVE! (and having to do it twice has been twice as expensive) And to top it all off,... I still don't see my daughters. One is at College and busy with that. The other is in high school and is always out with her friends. So why did I bother? I may have been missing them in my old apartment but here,... I just feel rejected because I'm just around the corner yet they always have something else to do. I'm just as lonely only now I can add rejection to my list of self hates.
For the past week I have done nothing but cry and sleep and watch TV. I am so depressed. So sad. I'm paralyzed. I will be getting a new doctor but not until I move as she's in my new town. Until then I am forced to remain on the dreaded Seroquel which obviously isn't working for my depression. All it's doing is making me sleep most of my days becasue of the horrible "elephant tranguillizer" effect it has on me.
This is no life.