Saturday, October 15, 2011

So mad at myself

Yesterday was a really horrible day. I haven't been sleeping well at all so I was quite exhausted. On top of that I had a bad toothache. Well, a whole mouth-ache really. I can't afford the dentist so can't even go to get it looked at. But anyone who has ever had a toothache knows how miserable it can be.
This... on top of my over-all feeling of slipping back into a depression just got to be too much for me.

And I relapsed.

I took three 400mg Seroquel tablets. My addictions counsellor has been very adamant that I am only suppose to take 150mg a day ~ no matter what ~ my doctor prescribed amount. And up until today that's all I have ever taken. I also drank 4 vodka and iced teas. To say I woke up feeling rough would be an understatement. But the pain of my mouth and the pain of depression just got to be too much and I so badly needed to zone out and not have to deal with it.
I really regret doing it now.
So here I am. I have FAILED yet again. I am back down to one day clean. Having to start all over again. I have let myself down.
But hopefully I can just put this behind me and move forward. Today is a fresh start. Right???

I don't like myself very much right now.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Let's hope this is just a temporary dip in mood

trying so hard to be upbeat and humorous. But this past week has been really hard and I seem to be slipping right back into the agoraphobic 'Black Fog' that I was in before I went into the hospital. Makes me wonder if I will ever get well,...

Sorry to be such a downer on here,... I stay 'up' on my twitter but on here I can't lie.

I need a hug.

lets hope this mood will pass in a few days and all will seem brighter once again

P.S. To the readers who have left comments,... thank you very much. Just knowing that someone ~ anyone ~ actually reads this blog and does care means the world to me. Especially during these little blips of 'down' days. Your needed... A lot


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A bit of a wobbly weekend

This weekend was a bit of a bump in the road for me. Canada’s Thanksgiving weekend. Holidays are usually hard times for me because I have spent a lot of them alone lately. For the past few years anyway. And this weekend was no exception.
I picked Michelle and Hayley up Friday afternoon and brought them back here for a nice girlie movie night in. As usual we had a lot of fun. But, my girls have busy lives and therefore weren’t able to spend any more time here so I had to bring them back home early Saturday morning. They both work and had to be at their jobs that day.
I tried to look at this long weekend as just another weekend. I’m not working. I live alone, so it’s normal for me to eat, sleep, watch TV, etc,… alone every day. So I wanted to make this weekend just like every other day so it wouldn’t bother me. But I didn’t have a lot of luck. The image of happy family gatherings were everywhere, so it was difficult to pretend that it was the beginning of a long weekend and nothing more.
This is the first Thanksgiving without Mom. The girls were busy doing their own stuff and my brother had something quite special to do this year which I’m so glad he got to do. But unfortunately that left him and his wife out of town. So I was on my own.
I really, really missed not being able to go to Moms and have a lovely family get together at the old family home in Brampton. A house with memories in every corner. A house that was always willing to welcome me home is no longer there. Well,.. It’s still there,… but it’s now owned by someone else. Something I still can’t quite get my head around. It feels like my life has slipped through my fingers like sand. My parents have both passed on. The house is no longer “ours”. My kids can never go to their Nana and Papas to be loved unconditionally on Thanksgiving and other holidays. It’s a natural part of life this ‘moving on’ but it’s certainly not easy.
I missed the simple little things. Being with family… The smell of the turkey cooking… sitting out on the deck enjoying the last great weather of the season… all the things you take for granted. The memories that you don’t even realize are so precious while they’re happening. It’s not until they are no longer there that you feel the ache in your heart for them.
Ah my life. It sure didn’t turn out the way I thought it would have. Depression and mental illness sure did get in the way. And because of that I had to take forks in the road that were extremely unexpected and out of my control. It robbed me of the normal things that others don’t even realize they have. Happy marriages… children that are actually in their lives everyday… friends and family… even financial stability… I don’t have any of those things anymore. They’re all gone. And no time of year am I more aware of it than on holidays.
But… Thanksgiving is now over. Normal life once again resumes. Time to move forward. So I am. Onwards and upwards and all that, right? Right,….
I guess we all need a little sentimental cry every once in awhile.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Happy F***ing Thanksgiving

I am feeling so sad tonight. I live in Canada and this weekend is our Thanksgiving. Which I am ~ yet again ~ spending alone. My daughters came to visit yesterday but couldn't stay longer as they both had to work. They live an hour away so I had to drive them back early this morning. I miss them terribly already.

My girls are 17 and 20. They both go to school and work part-time. They are busy with their lives. I am not begrudging them as I was terribly busy at their age too and I'm sure I didn't put a lot of effort into my Mom back then either. So I understand in my head why I only see them every 4 to 6 weeks but in my heart,... I miss them.

And now, I am faced with yet another holiday without them. Without anyone. My Mom passed away in April of this year so it's even more difficult. But there are other members of my family that could have invited me over for a Thanksgiving meal ~ but didn't. My brother and sister in law (who I have just reconciled with last October) and my biological Aunt (who I used to be very close to). And this has hurt my feelings because neither one of them even bothered to get in touch to see what I was going to be doing. I purposely mentioned on Facebook that I would only be seeing my daughters on Friday,... and then they were leaving,.... which obviously meant that I would be spending the next 3 days alone.  Either people didn't read it (really? maybe only I'm the facebook/twitter addict) or they just didn't realize,... or worse,.... just didn't care,...

I'm so sick of spending holidays alone. Without going into my past troubles I will just say that I was estranged from my whole family (daughters and all) for many years. So I have spent a lot of Christmas mornings alone,.... Thanksgivings alone,.... Easters,...  whatever the holiday,... I was alone for a good 6 to 7 years.

All because I had a mental illness so my ex took me to court and won custody of my kids while I was having a hospital stay. All because I suffer from depression. He had everyone believing I was a danger to myself (Ok, I was,... I admit that one) to my children and to my family,... (NEVER would I have EVER hurt anyone!) but he had anyone who would listen believing I was a danger and therefore my children were taken away from me and my family disowned me. Hurt does not even begin to cover how that made me feel.

Anyway,... I digress,.....

This blog post was meant to help me get out all of the feelings I have today of loneliness,... unworthiness,... sadness,..... I feel discarded and unwanted. It's probably not intentional on any of my families part. But I feel unwanted all the same.

If you've been following my blog you will see that I have just come out of hospital after a 5 week stay. I was doing so much better. But the past week or two have been going back downhill and today I have just dropped right back into "My Black Fog" once again. It is so scary to me how quickly that can happen for me. And I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic by letting something so trivial like a turkey dinner get me so down.

So maybe I should just let myself have a good 'ol cry. Even pour myself a drink or two to relax. I don't know. I just know I feel really empty inside right now.

I really do hate holidays,.....

Monday, October 3, 2011

Two steps forward,... One step back,....

Well I think I have to admit that last week was a bit of a rough one. My therapist told me that I might find that it would get harder before it would get easier as time passed and she was right. Family and friends are getting on with their lives and I think they all kind of think mine should be too. I did what I needed to do (Hospital and therapy, etc,…)  and now most of that is done with so shouldn’t I be moving on to ‘normal’??

I’m trying. But this past week was hard. My sleeping issues have returned,… Insomnia is back,… fibromyalgia pain is back,…. And some depression is back,… All the things that I took massive amounts of drugs to cover up before ~ are now back. I can’t take drugs to help me sleep anymore. I can’t take drugs to help the pain anymore,…  As I was told would happen, I now have to deal with these things drug-free and it’s really, really hard. I can’t deny that the craving to use to help me with sleep and pain is huge. HUGE! But I have not given in!. But if I'm to be honest,... The only reason I haven't is because I don't have the type of drugs I want to take. I want sleeping pills,... lorazapam,... xanax,... any of those oh so lovely ~ help me to completely zone out ~ drugs. But I have no prescription and don't know how to even start looking for them on the street. But I do feel that Yes,.. I am that desperate for them.

I am still trying to be positive but I know I will sometimes slip. This week I had a few “set-backs” and  I didn’t go to my last 3 therapy classes. That was a fail. I wasn’t happy about missing them but ~ it happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I just have to try harder from here on in. (Man when they said it wasn’t going to be easy ~ they meant it!!) That’s the nature of mental illness and addiction. It’s unpredictable. So having said that,… This week is a brand new week. I can forget past ‘failures’ and instead concentrate on success. I am taking one day at a time. But that little voice in my head that is the illness in me wonders if I'm strong enough.