Saturday, January 29, 2011

So shattered


7:30 am  Leave St. Thomas
11:30 am Arrive in Alliston to pick up daughter
12:00 pm get to Tottenham to see new apt (take measurements)
1:00 pm get to Newmarket for specialist Doctors app't
3:00 pm get to Aurora to visit Aunt & stay the night


9:00 am leave Aurora
10:00 am arrive in Barrie to visit with eldest daughter to celebrate her 20th birthday
4:00 pm leave Barrie
5:00 pm get to Tottenahm to drop youngest daughter off at home
6:30 pm get to Fergus to visit Mom in Retirement Home
8:20pm arrive back in St. Thomas ~ HOME!!!!  :-)

7 towns,... and 770 km on my car in just two days

I AM SHATTERED!!!!  But had an awesome time with everyone I got to visit.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Still sad and now binging. Feeling like a failure.

I'm still feeling rather down and sad. I hope I'm not retreating back to how I was. With having to move in less than a month I just can't be sitting around doing nothing. But that's what has happened the past few days. Just can't find any motivation to continue on with packing this apt up.
I'm also binging a lot. I just eat so much. I eat constantly until I feel so full I think I'm going to burst. I don't purge although I feel like it would relieve that horrible full feeling. I just can't bring myself to do that. I don't know why I binge. I try not to but can't seem to control it. It feels good at the time but then I feel horrible later. I hate myself for being so weak and not being able to stop. I'm disgusted in myself. WHY do I do it???
I don't know a lot about binging. Is it considered an eating disorder? Is there stuff I can do to stop it? Is it triggered by something?
I've been binging for two days now. Today I am going to try my best not to. (but not feeling very optimistic I will be able to control it)
It really makes me feel like a failure.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Alright to depressed. So quickly. ????

I don't know why but my moods fluctuate a lot. Today I woke up at the crack of NOON (the seroquel still in my system combined with my "never seem to be able to go to bed before 3" issue) I went on the computer for a while. Watched TV for awhile. Then impulsively decided to drive all the way into London (Ontario) an hour away to go to a specialty pet shop to find something that I can use on my cat for the 3 and a half hour drive she has to take with me the day we move. Found what I needed. (Some special calming spray) Then I go outside to find that its nearly a blizzard outside. OK, this is Canada. I am very used to driving in wintry conditions. But it wasn't pleasant. Got home, ate dinner then watched a movie. All of a sudden I realize I am really depressed. Suddenly my thoughts go dark. I feel utterly hopeless and useless and all I want to do is die. Not be here anymore. I didn't act on these urges. But I was concerned at just how quickly I can go from ho-hum not feeling too bad ~~~ to really depressed in the space of an hour or two. My thoughts turned to "Why am I moving? It's putting you in debt $2,900.00.  Do you really think changing your location will suddenly make you "well" which will suddenly make you able to finally get it together to hold down a job? (No) Do you really think it will take away your anxiety and depression? (No) Do you really think it's going to change anything at all? (No) I'm still going to be mentally ill. I'm still not going to be comfortable socializing and making new friends (so I know I won't) In fact,... my life is going to be just as shit in the new place as it is here. So why am I doing it?
And this is how it goes with me. I can turn hopeless and depressed in minutes and nothing or no one can pull me out of it or change my mind. Right now, I just want to take a bunch of pills so I can fall into a deep, deep sleep so I just don't have to deal with these moods anymore. But I don't have any pills. So instead, I will take some Gravol and maybe a couple extra Seroquel and go to bed. It will probably make me sleep until tomorrow evening. But I don't care. That is what I want. I want time where I don't have to feel. I don't have to cope. I don't have to deal,.... I just have to sleep. And I won't have to be consumed by this horrible black fog of my depression.

Monday, January 24, 2011

My First Award!!!

Yeah,... I have an award! My first one. :-)  It's from "Crashing into the Mental Health system"
Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!!
Now apparently I am suppose to pass it on to someone else, let the recipient know and then answer the 10 questions.
  1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy about doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you had started out anonymously so you could be anonymous now? Yes, I blog anonymously. It helps me to be more free with my writing. I can write exactly what I'm feeling and thinking and no one will know it is me. Having said that, I do have another blog that my name is attached to but it is not all about my illness. It touches on my illness but friends and family get uncomfortable when I write about it. So I keep it light. (and therefore fake I guess)
  2. Describe the incident that shows your stubborn side. Even if people tell me my decision is wrong and I'll regret it I do it anyway. (They're only trying to help as my illness makes me impulsive and I don't always think things through)  
  3. What do you see when you really look into the mirror? Honestly? I see a fat, ugly, old lady. I want to change that but for now that is what I see.
  4. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?I was the one always in trouble for everything
  5. If you closeed your eyes and wanted to visualize a very poignant point in your life, what would you see? The birth of my children.
  6. What is your favorite cold summer drink? Iced Tea
  7. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life? Everything. Right now I'm coming out of a dark, 2 yr depression and I haven't worked or socialized or gone out. Those are the things I want to work on right now. Live again!
  8. When you take time for yourself, what do you?  As stated earlier, I've been really ill the past 2 yrs with depression so all I've done is watch TV, surf the net, and sleep. Pathetic!!
  9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog or are you more comfortable writing plots about other people and events? No, definitely me. It's my only venue for talking about my depression/bipolar/BPD/anxiety. And I make a point of being bruttally honest even if I know it won't make me popular - In the end, this blog is for ME. Like journaling
  10. If you had a choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone which would you do and why? I've had this weird phone phobia for the past 2 yrs (I always get this way when I'm depressed) I just won't answer the phone cuz I don't want to talk to people. So I would rather read a book. But having said that, the past month I have answered every time the phone rang. Progress!!
And I would like to pass this award on to:  "My Thirteenth Sad Day"

Actually I would like to pass it on to all my blog readers because I love reading them all. It's so important to me that I have all these friends on here that understand exactly how I feel and don't judge me. They're just there for me. So maybe I should also give this award to the whole mental health bloggging community. You guys all rock!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

ramblings from a mind with no sleep

I can't sleep again! I was off my Seroquel for 3 weeks as I had simply forgotten to take it. Then I took it for 4 days and turned back into an unfunctioning Zombie. So I stopped taking it again. Now, I can't sleep! I'm sure in a few days things will even out but for now I'm pretty frustrated because this is the second night in a row I haven't slept. I'm tired,... no, I'm exhausted,...I just can't sleep (??) It's 5:09am right now. and I am
 W-I-D-E    A-W-A-K-E!!  My mind will simply not turn off. Arghhhhh!!!
I can't wait until I move & see my brand new psychiatrist. His promise of starting from scratch to find my 'real' diagnosis will help me start a proper medication geared for me and my new diagnosis. Hopefully that will mean no more of this awful Seroquel!
And that is my rant for this evening,... er I mean morning,.... I feel better already.  :-)

Friday, January 21, 2011


I have been reading all my friends blogs on here and they're all talking about blog awards. Hmmm,... I have no idea about these awards. How you get them,... who you get them from,... It's so typical of me to be standing on the outside looking in thinking WTF? I don't have a clue what these people are talking about. I feel like the kid who hasn't been picked for a team in gym class. LOL 
Yes, I'm feeling left out today. In a lot of stuff. I really have to work on my self confidence I think. Becausee right now I'm feeling like no one likes me or wants to be a part of my life. Some of that is true (my brothers and Mom) but I'm sure a lot of it is imagined. Maybe once I get a new psychiatrist I can see if he can hook me up with a therapist or something. (believe it or not, I just haven't had a lot of talk therapy/counselling over the years) and I think at this point it would be beneficial to me. Sort out why I always feel these things. (hated, not good enough, fat, ugly, stupid,...) Hope my new psychiatrist can help once I settle at my new place.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


For the past few weeks I have been feeling alive again. Anyone following this blog knows that I am moving in a month so I have been quite busy packing & sorting, etc,... I have been going to bed at a descent hour and waking up at a descent hour. I have felt motivated and productive.
Then 3 days ago I realized that I haven't taken my medication for about 3 weeks. (How you can just "forget" to take meds for that long I have no idea but I managed to,...) So 3 days ago I started taking my 400 mg of Seroquel again.
And then,... bang,.... suddenly I am feeling exhausted all the time. I have been sleeping until after noon. I fight to keep my eyes open all day long. I drink 3 very large coffees instead of my usual one and I still feel groggy. I have no motivation what-so-ever. All I want to do is sit on the couch and stare at the TV. IT'S THE SEROQUEL!!!!! I have been having trouble with this medication for about 4 yrs now. When I'm off of it I feel alive & awake,... when I am on it, I feel like a complete zombie who can't stay awake. It's so frustrating.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I have no choice but to continue on packing this apt all up for my move but when I am on this med I can't do that. No matter how badly I want to do it I just can't. It's like I'm experiencing a "body stone". My mind is flat & depressed. My body like lead.
So I'm thinking of staying off meds until I have moved. (Feb 25th). I know it's not good to be on and off your meds all the time but I think in this circumstance I just can't afford to be sleeping all day and watching TV like a zombie when I'm awake. Getting ready for this move is a necessity I can't screw up. And in order to be able to do it - I can't take my Seroquel.
I have arranged to get set up with a new psychiatrist once I am settled in at the new place. They have said that they start out by giving me a 90 minute assessment so they can figure out where I am mentally. Once that's done I am assigned a new doctor. I am actually looking forward to this because for the past 10 yrs I have moved so many times I have no continuity of care and therefore I keep getting these quick diagnoses given to me,.. then all new meds,... then I move and it starts all over again. I have been told I have numerous different mental illnesses. I'm hoping that this time, I can be assessed properly and given a proper diagnosis. I just feel I need to "start from scratch" with a fresh perspective.
So knowing all this, I'm not so apt to be so worried about stopping my meds. I'll just wait for the new doctor to take over and hopefully I will be given the proper medication at that time. (I don't think the Seroquel has been helping me anyway)
This move is going to be a fresh start in a lot of different ways and the care of my mental illness will be a fresh start too.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Letting go,....

Well it’s slowly getting done. Although today I did way too much. I think the hardest part of all of this has been going through all of my things and having to decide what to keep and what to throw/give away. You accumulate so much over a lifetime. Memories. Almost ever thing you own has a memory to it. And because this new apt will be so much smaller I am being forced to go through everything and decide just how important that item is to me. Some things were easy. Stuff you have in the back of your cupboards and closets that you haven’t seen in years. Pretty safe to discard all that. But I’ve had to cut my belongings down to about half. Think about that. Look around your home and picture it with half of your stuff gone. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Half your furniture. Half your clothes,… What would you choose? There have been days that I have had a bunch of stuff layed out on the floor and I have actually cried because I just don’t want to part with a lot of it. But I have no choice. There just isn’t room for it at the new place. It was like throwing away memories. I know people say it’s just stuff and you don’t need it. But I have parted with all my crystal,… all my china,… half of my kitchen. My favorite lounge chair,… a whole spare room of furniture and stuff I hoped I could keep for a long time. But a lot of it is already gone. Every load I take to the charity shop is hard. And I’ve done 9 so far. ~ sigh ~ I never dreamed I would have to give away things I wanted my children to have. (They’ve taken some stuff but not as much as I’d hope)
So over the past 2 or 3 weeks I have been taking my time. Every day I sort through a cupboard,… a closet,… and keep some, and discard some,… I pack a box or two a day. I go to the charity shop every few days. I run to the dumpster once a week. Bit by bit I am getting it done. I’m sure once I have finished and I am settled into the new place I won’t miss the stuff I had to get rid of. That’s the beauty of “stuff’ I guess. It is just “stuff” and you eventually forget all about it. But actually doing the ‘getting rid’ has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. Memories,….
The fibromyalgia has flared up some too since I started. All that lifting and carrying, etc,… so I’m going to slow down a bit from here on in. I have plenty of time because I started this so early. (The Virgo in me I guess) Last time I moved it was so quick. I had 17 days to find a place and pack a whole townhouse and be out. I don’t want to have to feel that pressure again. Luckily I have a lot longer this time. Besides I already have a lot done. So I think I can slack off a bit now. Just a box or two a day now. Not having the pressure actually lets me enjoy the anticipation of knowing I’ll be back around my kids soon. I’m sooooo going to enjoy that and take full advantage of it. Hayley and I have already made a ton of plans. :-)
So, Now I’ve had my little moan about how sad it is to discard. I won’t think about it again. It’s done. So now,… I just look forward. Onwards and upwards. Isn’t that what they say? So I’m moving on.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Girl interrupted

I just watched "Girl Interrupted" for about the fifth time. I have to admit that this movie is a trigger for me. I haven't been doing too bad in the past few weeks after about 2 years of really bad depression. But after I saw this movie it just brought back so many memories and thoughts. Although I have never spent a year in a psychiatric hospital like Susanna Keyson did, I have had numerous stays ( 6 or 7??) of about a month each time. They were really awful, low periods in my life. Most occurring after an overdose.
It made me sad again because I related to so much in the movie. I felt the things that Susanna did. I have behaved the way some of the girls in this movie did. It brought home to me that I was once really sick. Am I now? Hmmm,... I'm pretty depressed. I have suicidal thoughts and urges. But I don't think I'm as sick as I have been in the past. But, It scares me that my moods change so quickly. How I can be feeling a bit better and then wham,... I'm back to feeling low ~ depressed ~ useless ~ hopeless,....
Maybe I'm just sad because this movie brought back memories of my lowest times. I dont' know if this sudden plunge into depression is just a passing mood from the movie or if I'll wake up tomorrow feeling the same depression I have been feeling for the past 2 yrs. I thought I was getting better. But now I wonder if I will always be triggered by movies or memories or thoughts and that I will always struggle with being up one day and down the next. I'm 47. I've been this way for a long time. I have to think that if I was going to finally "get completely well" and never feel sad or depressed again it certainly would have happened by now. I think this movie just reminded me that I will always struggle with my depression and BPD. That I will never be truly "recovered" and that makes me sad. Because anyone with a mental illness knows that it's not an easy life to live. It's a constant struggle. I guess I'm just sad because I'm reminded that this cycle will continue probably for the remainder of my life. And that's not a nice thought.
But, tomorrow is another day. And hopefully with a good nights sleep the feelings stirred up tonight will be gone by the morning. And I can tell myself that it was just a trigger. And when you know it's a trigger,... you can tell yourself that and put it behind you and move forward. I have made myself plans and goals in the past few weeks. I've made the decision to move back to be close to my daughters in a new apt. So I have to look forward.
Do any other people get this affected by movies,etc,.... and how do they deal with it? I guess that's why I like blogging and twitter. I meet other people with the same illnesses and I can write exactly what I feel and know that they all understand because they live it too. And we all help each other through these little set backs.
(So thanks everyone,...) And now I'm off to bed.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Looking forward

I haven't written on here for a bit. I'm happy to say that I've been busy. I haven't been able to say that in a very long time. Since I moved here to St. Thomas (Ontario) 2 yrs ago I have been very depressed. I didn't bother getting to know anyone or get involved in anything so the past 2 yrs have been me staying in my apt doing nothing. PATHETIC I know but nothing I did seemed to shake me out of this depression. It was horrible. Paralyzing.
So when my lease came up, I decided to move back to Tottenham (Ontario, Canada ~ not England) where my two daughters live with their Dad. I originally moved here, 3 hrs away, because it is so much cheaper and I can't afford to live in Tottenahm. But I have had enough. I know that not having my girls in my life contributed to my depression in a big way. Any mother will tell you that their children are their lives and without them, their life isn't complete. With me, It wasn't even worth living.
So, I took out an advance on my credit card ~ more damn debt ~ but I don't care. I feel in my heart if I don't do this, I will waste away in a pile of black depression eventually committing suicide before the next year is out. (I know this is true becasue I have had a few attempts already last year) Yes, things are that bad. So I decided not to worry about more debt. My main and only goal is getting back to my daughters.
I found an apt close to them last week. It's really cheap. And on the ad it looked brilliant. So I drove the 3 and a half hours out there to look at it. It's a basement apt in a country house. A horse farm. It's filthy. It's small. Theres no closets or cupboards. No storage. It's in a rural house so theres mice. In short,... It's a dive. BUT I DON'T CARE!! I can clean it. I have slowly been getting rid of a lot of my stuff at the charity shop. (9 loads so far) so I won't need the space I have now. I have a cat for the mice. All I saw when looking at it was the fact that I am going to be in my daughters lives once again. So I took it. It's a really big step down for me. Honestly, this place really is a dump. And once I move in I may find myself feeling depressed again because of the condition it's in. But I hope not. I really am going to try and look forward and upward in 2011. I am so sick of wallowing in that horrible, dark depression I was in (still am but struggling the best I can to move forward) It's really hard to do. Anyone who suffers from it knows the deep roots it has on you and how paralyzing it can be. Honestly, It has left me feeling totally hopeless, helpless and full of despair. But from here on in I am going to FIGHT MY WAY BACK! I want my life back!
I am having to pack this whole apt by myself. It's been hard. When you suffer from depression, decisions don't come easy. I find myself standing in the middle of the room with a sea of boxes around me. Twice I have sunk to the floor in tears with the over-whelming-ness (not a word I know) of it all. But then I think of my girls and it helps to get me going. I am doing baby steps. Because I have 5 weeks to move, I can some-what take my time. So I tell myself that I have to to 12 boxes a day. That's all. And most days, that's all I can cope with. of course theres other stuff to deal with too. Deciding which stuff to get rid of. It's really sad to 'liquify' your life. But I have no choice. I'm going to an apt half the size so half of my furniture, etc,.. has to go. It's been agonizing. Everything I own comes with a memory. But it had to be done. So I am slowly letting it all go.
When I get teary and sad and depressed,.... I think of my girls. The power of love. It is definitely keeping me going.
So, even though the apt is a dump. I am still looking forward to going. And once I'm settled I will be concentrating on doing everything I can to help get myself better. My girls deserve their Mom back.

I was also reading "Bipolar and me" blog. She wrote about taking better care of herself in the future. And that is what I am going to do too. I haven't worn make-up in over a year. I wear nothing but sweats. I don't care what my hair looks like. In short, I've turned into a frumpy mess. NO MORE! From here on in, make-up every day. Jeans instead of sweats. Hair to be done. Weight to be lost. Walks everyday (or at least on days when its above zero ~ very cold in Canada right now) I think this too will be a big help.
But my biggest goal of 2011?? Getting a job! But I can't think of all that yet. Baby steps. Get the packing done. Get moved. Get unpacked. and then,.... I can look forward at the rest of my goals. ONE DAY AT A TIME,.......
*I also tell myself that I need to feel blessed that I have a place to live at all ~ only a few weeks ago I was looking at losing everything and going into a shelter ~ So I am happy and grateful that I will have an apt of my own*

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Feeling a bit better

Well, I'm feeling a bit better today. I went to my credit cards bank and begged them to give me an advance on my credit card to pay for my move. They refused. But, (and how embarrassing) I lost it and started to cry. The woman called in the supervisor and after hearing my situation she reluctantly agreed to give me the money. I am sooooo relieved. This has been the biggest stresser to me. Now I know I CAN move so that takes away a lot of that stress.
This morning I went out and brought a bunch of stuff to the charity shop that I know I won't be able to bring with me (I have to move to much smaller accommodation) It's hard handing over your personal things to a charity shop but in the end it is just stuff, right? I'm trying to streamline my personal belongings to the bare necessities. I'm going from a two bedroom flat with storage to a bachelor flat with no storage at all. So about half of my furniture and stuff has to go. :-(  But right now I am so relieved that I won't be out on the street I don't care about my belongings.
It's going to be hard to look for a flat three and a half hours away when I have no where to stay overnight while I'm looking. I can't afford a hotel so I will have to do a lot of driving in one long day. i will probably leave here at 5 in the morning ~ get to where I'm looking for a flat around 8:30 or so. I will book as many apartment viewings as I can in that day and then leave to drive back home late that evening. I just hope I find something in that one day. Last time I looked for a flat it took weeks.
I also went around town getting boxes so I can start packing right away. I hate moving. I have done it way too many times so i have it down to an art but it is sooooo much work and I'm not young anymore. I'm 47. And I have fibromyalgia so I get very sore quite easily. I have no one here to help me pack but hopefully at the other end my daughters will unpack for me. I'm hoping to move March 1st or April 1st. It sounds like a long time away but I have to give 60 days notice on this flat and I don't know how long it will take or how many trips east it will take to actually find another one so I am stressing. I have anxiety so I know I'm going to be freaking out until its all done and over with. Worry, worry, worry,......
BUT I WON'T BE HOMELESS!!!! Such a huge relief.

I just don't know what to do

I haven't written in a few days. My life is spiralling out of control. I have been so depressed that I can't seem to do anything. I have been writing this blog because it is the only place that is safe to vent. So when i got that nasty comment from anonymous it just knocked me for 6. I don't have the tools right now to deal with that kind of hatred. So I took it all to heart, believed every word he wrote and tried to Overdose.
I was so distraught that I just wasnt' thinking clearly. I felt that every word he said, everyone out in the 'real-healthy' world really did believe that I'm a fucked up waste of space. I felt so alone and hated.
I couldn't find any 'good' drugs to OD with so I did a terrible thing and took 30 (500mg) tylenol. (I did this twice in a week and a half) I know all about this drug and how you can be fine for 2 or 3 days and then the symptoms start. (I worked in a medical clinic for 2 yrs ~ I KNOW BETTER) It was horrible. I was totally nauseated for 24 hrs where I couldn't move. I couldn't eat. I just felt really, really ill. And then after the nausea left I got a dull ache in my back in my upper right hand side. Pretty sure that's the liver. But luckily it went away after about a day. But then, still so depressed I could barely move I did the whole thing all over again. So about 4 days after the first round, I stupidly did it all again. Took 30 tylenol. I am now over the nausea period. And so far, no pain in my back. So I think I just didn't take enough and I'm pretty sure that I will be fine. I just feel drained. I obviously didn't take enough. Which I still can't tell you if that is a good or bad thing right now. I'm sitting on the fence.
I also got word that my rent increased by $20.00. And anyone reading this blog knows how much I am struggling financially right now so this is just $20.00 too much that I just don't have. So I need to move. But I can't find the money to get 1st & last months rent plus the cost of the actual movers. I've tried everything. My Mom won't lend it to me. My brother wont' help. I can't get an advance on any of my credit cards. But I have no choose and have to leave this apt by March 31st. I AM PANICKING! I have been scouring the Internet looking for a new apt that I can afford but I can't find anything. I have decided that if I am moving, I will be moving back to the area where my 2 daughters live. Which is great. But how can I do this if I don't have the money??? Panic, panic, panic,.....
I have actually called a few places but they want credit checks and won't take me because I am on disability. They don't come right out and say that's the reason but they are always enthusiastic until I tell them (I can't hide this fact-they check all income) and then suddenly they find a reason I can't have the apt. What am i suppose to do? I can't find the money ~ I can't afford to stay here ~ No one will accept my rental application,.... It was after I learned all this that I attempted the second round of Tylenol because I feel so helpless. I feel like I don't have any options left to me. I am a bundle of anxiety right now. I have been homeless before (for a month where I stayed in a hotel but I lost EVERYTHING that I owned that didn't fit into my car - furniture, everything,...) so this is a real possibility and it scares me  to death. 
How do other people manage? Certainly I'm not the only person in the world on disability due to a mental illness. How do others manage? 
I am in such a difficult place right now. I really don't know what to do. It would be so much easier for me if I had just died. But I can't even succeed at that. And the truth is, I don't want to die. I just can't live. I literally can't afford to exist. This problem is eating away inside of me. I'm so stressed and full of anxiety. I just don't know what to do,.....