Sunday, December 4, 2011

feel so down

I know that people are going to tell me that I have to give my new medication time to start working.

But, I just feel like I am getting worse by the day instead of better. All I'm doing now is sleeping or watching TV. I just feel so hopeless and exhausted and empty and numb. And so alone. It's pathetic.

Friday, December 2, 2011

A quick update

I have received a few private emails wondering how I am so thought I would just write a quick update.
Things have definitely not been easy the past few weeks. It is, of course, the anniversary of the twins this week. Their birthday and then the two separate days they actually passed away. I don’t know why after 22 years this still makes me so sad but it does.
I also have a difficult time with holidays. I will be alone again on Christmas day. I have told the girls to go to their Dads side as I want them to celebrate with their Grandparents and cousins. We will, as usual, celebrate the 3 of us a week later or so. But that leaves me alone for the 25th. What will I do? Probably a Lean Cuisine for one ~ flavored by my salty tears ~ and lots of red wine.  (No, actually I am just kidding). Because of my health not being very well right now I am still finding it hard being around people. So Christmas Day is one of those “I hate being alone because it’s going to be so sad and lonely,… but,… I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my apartment right now to go to someone elses house”. It’s a catch 22 that there really isn’t an answer for. If I don’t want to be alone then I will have to leave this apartment and socialize and interact with people and unfortunately I’m just not ready to do that yet. So it’s completely my fault that I will be alone but it doesn’t make it easier. In fact, it makes it worse because it leaves me feeling like such a failure. Why can’t I do something so extraordinarily easy such as leaving my apartment????  I can’t explain it,… I can only say that I can’t,… and that leaves me feeling like a complete failure.
So all this run up to Christmas Day is like torture. Every ad on TV,… on the internet,… on the radio,… Christmas is absolutely everywhere! and every time I see one I feel guilt and failure. But it’s just impossible to turn off. I have put up no decorations. I have lost them all anyway with all of my moves. I just cant’ face looking at a tree or decorations. I’m trying very hard to pretend it doesn’t exist. I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up on January 1st 2012. Voila! All over with. But that’s not going to happen.
I have also started on new medication. This always throws your body out of whack. It’s left me so tired I can’t keep my eyes open right now. I know over time that will subside but for right now it’s quite annoying. The depression is definitely still there. I can’t do the simplest of things at the moment. Achievements in my day are if I can manage to have a shower and feed the cat. It really is horrible. But I am very optimistic this new medication will help and I can start to feel better by the new year. But for now, unfortunately, things do feel a struggle.
Yup, I have once again been brutally honest on here. I want people to know and understand that depression can kick you in your butt and drop you to your knees and suck the life out of you. I want people to know and understand that it’s not just a case of ‘pulling up your socks and getting on with it” (if it was that easy I’d have done that long ago) It has, for the moment, sucker-punched me and I am down. But, I’m trying to look through “The Black Fog” and forward to better, healthier times because I know there will be better times. It’s just a matter of riding this out until the new medication kicks in. And if this medication doesn’t work, then we’ll try another,… and another,… until something does work.
Sorry for the gloom & doom but depression is not a pretty reality. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s dark and it sucks. But I will get through to the other side.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I feel frozen

"There is an invisible cage, a delicate netting of glass, an ice sculpture surrounding me that no one can walk through. I'm cold. I've frozen into someone who just can't be touched. I dare you to try."

--More. Now. Again--   ~Elizabeth Wurtzel

I couldn't have said it any better if I had written this myself. My life is lonely and empty but I still refuse to let anyone in.
So sad.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

"My Medical Vacation"

I seem to be hitting a patch of "Don't want to go to bed" right now. Very weird. I will sit up all night long watching TV and hanging out on twitter until I literally cannot keep my eyes open.


What is it that won't allow me to go to bed at 11:00pm (or some other reasonable hour) like everybody else? I have a few theories but there only guesses.

ONE): I have been a natural "up all night - sleep all day" girl since I had my first night job when I was 18 years old. That set my inner clock and I have never been able to change it no matter what I do. And believe me ~ I have tried every trick or suggestion I could. Nothing ever worked.

TWO): I have been fighting my sleep issues for over 30 years now and my anxiety towards sleep is off the scale. I think that I now just don't want to go to bed because going to bed will start the high anxiety. I lay awake unable to fall asleep which creates the anxiety that I just can't seem to stop. It gets worse with each passing year. Now, I just think I can't be bothered with the fight. So I sub-consciously avoid it by just not going to bed at all.

This is a serious problem for me and it has affected my entire life.

The past month has been especially bad. I stay awake for 24 - 36 hours at a time until I just can't function anymore and ~ eventually ~ fall asleep.

This has caused me to resort to my old - but fairly dangerous - solution of what I have termed "My medical Vacation" I used to take 800 mg of Seroquel everyday for 2 years so I am well aware of its sedating effects. Hell, it had me walking around like a zombie for two full years. Totally catatonic! Now, since I went into hospital they knocked it back to 150 mg - so much more reasonable. But,... when I have gone for a long time without sleep and feel I just can't take it anymore, I will take 800 mg to 1200 mg at once just so that I will pass out and sleep for a long time. Usually 14 to 20 hours at a stretch. I wake up a little groggy (ok, a lot groggy,..) but once the sedating feeling has passed I finally feel refreshed. It's heaven. I don't do this very often - for obvious reasons (probably not the safest thing in the world to do) but I just get to a point where I'm so exhausted I can't even function.

The past few weeks I have been slipping in quite a few ways. Not sleeping,... getting more depressed,... not wanting to talk to anyone,... not leaving my apartment,.... I can feel it happening but I don't feel like I have the ability to stop it. It's just getting worse with each passing day. This,... is not good.

So I continue with my "Just do 3 things a day" plan.
1)  I always make sure I have a shower every day
2)  I always make sure the dishes are done & the apt tidied up every night
3)  feed the cat and scoop the litter box everyday

May not sound like a chore for anyone else, but right now,... to me,... it feels like climbing Mount Everest.

Today I had a little break-down about it all. I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. It's just getting to be too difficult. I just thought how wonderful it would be if someone just came to my rescue and took care of me for awhile. Financially, physically and mentally,.... I've been struggling on my own for many, many years now and I'm tired. I really am just completely tired of the struggle. I really do wish I could sink back into my childhood and have my parents tell me it will all be alright and they will take care of me,... But this is one wish that is never going to come true.

I'm so tired

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Today should be “Day 98″ of being clean. But instead, I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I fell off the wagon 4 days ago so I have to start all over again. Today is now only “Day 4″. Now it wasn’t a big fall, but a fall none the less. In an addicts world,… ANY slip up is dangerous.
I have not been sleeping much over the past few weeks. I have been afflicted with a toothache that has been relentless. (and before you all go telling me just to go to a dentist,… I don’t have any medical or dental coverage at all and I just don’t have that kind of money for dentists) So I have been doing the warm salt water rinses, sensydine toothpaste, and lots of mouthwash. But the pain has not receded. It comes and goes. But when it is here it is brutal and really wears you down. So after having this off and on for over 2 weeks I broke down and took some painkillers I had left over from my wrist surgery last fall. In my recovery, ANY medication not prescribed to me (especially strong pain killers) is an absolute no-no. I took these Tylenol 3′s with codeine for two days straight. They barely touched the pain. So I had them with alcohol. And then in larger doses. That definitely helped the pain. But once that delicious “zone out” feeling hit me I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t want to stop taking them. It is just indescribable how strong the urge to keep on taking more and more and more was. But,… I stopped. ~ Reluctantly,… but I did.
Last Friday my Transitional Nurse from “Homewood Hospital” came to see me. We had quite a long chat which turned out to be a major break-through for me. Well,… at the time, It was more of a break-down. We finally talked about stuff that was difficult and painful for me and I ended up a sobbing mess. Now she said that it was a “great” thing to have happened. I just felt drained and upset. In my book,… if you just stuff it down far enough and never think about it ~ then it can’t hurt you. Apparently not so. And she obviously called my psychiatrist about it because when I went to see him on Tuesday he thought it would be a wonderful thing to just bring it all back up once again. So, that day turned out to be a big drain to me too.
So I think with that and the toothache I was just feeling so worn down and weak. I have to think this is how I broke down and took the painkillers ~ with alcohol ~ in larger doses than necessary,… But when I woke up the morning after I felt terrible. All that hard work I had done to stay off these medications and in one weak moment I crashed and gave in. It’s a really horrible feeling because it just screams FAIL.
I am obviously still depressed too. I haven’t left my apartment in weeks except for the doctors appointment and to get groceries. And right at this particular moment I don’t feel strong enough to fix that. I’m just not ready to go outside unless I absolutely have to.
I had an appt with my therapist last week. She has told me there’s a group that starts in January for PTSD that she wants me to go to as she feels it would really help me with this ‘can’t leave the apt’ issue. (Becasue of what happened to me) I suppose I really should go but, hence the obvious,…. I would have to leave my apartment and interact and socialize with people. But, if she thinks it would be helpful then I will go. My friend A***** (who I met in the hospital) is going too so that will be very helpful. I’ll have someone to go with so I’m not too overwhelmed anxious.
Well, as you can see I am kind of all over the place right now. Still struggling along and finding things difficult. But still not giving up.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


November 1st 2011 ~ Crash.
I really did have high hopes that my last hospitalization would give me the tools and motivation to look upwards and forward. I have fought this depression for so long that it would be lovely to finally feel happiness and joy. I look at people around me and they are so enthusiastic about their lives. They have plans everyday. They bustle about "doing stuff" and enjoying it. They actually get something out of life. I am so envious of this.
I seem to live on this fluctuating line that goes from "blah" but often dips down to "depressed". I never seem to rise above that line.
I have tried very hard over the past few months to get better. But I haven't. I was suppose to go to all these groups and classes for my out-patient care but ended up dropping out of all of them because of my severe sleeping issues that has me not being able to get out of bed before noon and therefore missing all the scheduled groups. Please understand,... I am not lazy. I just have this up-all-night,... sleep all day,... cycle that has been ingrained inside of me since I was a child and try as I might I just cannot change it. This has obviously caused a great deal of upset in my life. It makes me different from everyone else. It makes it so I don't have a working or social life because I can't get out of bed. I simply cannot explain properly how difficult it is for me to reverse this cycle. But believe me I have tried. Time and time again.... only to revert back to going to bed at 3 and waking up at noon. It's frustrating to say the least.
This makes me feel like a lazy failure and that causes all the other areas of my life to suffer. No social life (meaning no friends) I can't hold down a job (which means I live in poverty which can be down right exhausting mentally).
I have lived this way for over 30 years now. My last hospitalization was a real hope for me to finally change. I gave it all I had. But here I am ~ just two months later ~ right back to where I always seem to be. I am so disappointed in myself.
I have reverted back to staying inside my apartment. I only go out if I need to and even then I usually wait until the evening when it's dark so there's less of a chance of running into anyone. I can't explain why, but I just hate interacting with people. I've never been able to explain why. I just hate it. So i avoid people at all costs. Hiding away inside my flat.
Most days all I can manage is a shower and to keep the dishes and kitchen clean. But everything else exhausts me. I have no motivation physically or mentally. I just watch TV or go on the Internet. I have become very attached to my mental health community on twitter. They are my only friends and my link to the outside world.
Why do I not want to interact with people? Why do I find it so difficult? My life has now been reduced to one small apartment with my TV, computer and cat. This isn't a life. This is just an existence. But I just don't have it in me to change. Right now I can't even be bothered to change it. I'm too depressed.
I can't help feeling like my life is just one big FAIL
I am once again totally enveloped in my Black Fog.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

So mad at myself

Yesterday was a really horrible day. I haven't been sleeping well at all so I was quite exhausted. On top of that I had a bad toothache. Well, a whole mouth-ache really. I can't afford the dentist so can't even go to get it looked at. But anyone who has ever had a toothache knows how miserable it can be.
This... on top of my over-all feeling of slipping back into a depression just got to be too much for me.

And I relapsed.

I took three 400mg Seroquel tablets. My addictions counsellor has been very adamant that I am only suppose to take 150mg a day ~ no matter what ~ my doctor prescribed amount. And up until today that's all I have ever taken. I also drank 4 vodka and iced teas. To say I woke up feeling rough would be an understatement. But the pain of my mouth and the pain of depression just got to be too much and I so badly needed to zone out and not have to deal with it.
I really regret doing it now.
So here I am. I have FAILED yet again. I am back down to one day clean. Having to start all over again. I have let myself down.
But hopefully I can just put this behind me and move forward. Today is a fresh start. Right???

I don't like myself very much right now.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Let's hope this is just a temporary dip in mood

trying so hard to be upbeat and humorous. But this past week has been really hard and I seem to be slipping right back into the agoraphobic 'Black Fog' that I was in before I went into the hospital. Makes me wonder if I will ever get well,...

Sorry to be such a downer on here,... I stay 'up' on my twitter but on here I can't lie.

I need a hug.

lets hope this mood will pass in a few days and all will seem brighter once again

P.S. To the readers who have left comments,... thank you very much. Just knowing that someone ~ anyone ~ actually reads this blog and does care means the world to me. Especially during these little blips of 'down' days. Your needed... A lot


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A bit of a wobbly weekend

This weekend was a bit of a bump in the road for me. Canada’s Thanksgiving weekend. Holidays are usually hard times for me because I have spent a lot of them alone lately. For the past few years anyway. And this weekend was no exception.
I picked Michelle and Hayley up Friday afternoon and brought them back here for a nice girlie movie night in. As usual we had a lot of fun. But, my girls have busy lives and therefore weren’t able to spend any more time here so I had to bring them back home early Saturday morning. They both work and had to be at their jobs that day.
I tried to look at this long weekend as just another weekend. I’m not working. I live alone, so it’s normal for me to eat, sleep, watch TV, etc,… alone every day. So I wanted to make this weekend just like every other day so it wouldn’t bother me. But I didn’t have a lot of luck. The image of happy family gatherings were everywhere, so it was difficult to pretend that it was the beginning of a long weekend and nothing more.
This is the first Thanksgiving without Mom. The girls were busy doing their own stuff and my brother had something quite special to do this year which I’m so glad he got to do. But unfortunately that left him and his wife out of town. So I was on my own.
I really, really missed not being able to go to Moms and have a lovely family get together at the old family home in Brampton. A house with memories in every corner. A house that was always willing to welcome me home is no longer there. Well,.. It’s still there,… but it’s now owned by someone else. Something I still can’t quite get my head around. It feels like my life has slipped through my fingers like sand. My parents have both passed on. The house is no longer “ours”. My kids can never go to their Nana and Papas to be loved unconditionally on Thanksgiving and other holidays. It’s a natural part of life this ‘moving on’ but it’s certainly not easy.
I missed the simple little things. Being with family… The smell of the turkey cooking… sitting out on the deck enjoying the last great weather of the season… all the things you take for granted. The memories that you don’t even realize are so precious while they’re happening. It’s not until they are no longer there that you feel the ache in your heart for them.
Ah my life. It sure didn’t turn out the way I thought it would have. Depression and mental illness sure did get in the way. And because of that I had to take forks in the road that were extremely unexpected and out of my control. It robbed me of the normal things that others don’t even realize they have. Happy marriages… children that are actually in their lives everyday… friends and family… even financial stability… I don’t have any of those things anymore. They’re all gone. And no time of year am I more aware of it than on holidays.
But… Thanksgiving is now over. Normal life once again resumes. Time to move forward. So I am. Onwards and upwards and all that, right? Right,….
I guess we all need a little sentimental cry every once in awhile.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Happy F***ing Thanksgiving

I am feeling so sad tonight. I live in Canada and this weekend is our Thanksgiving. Which I am ~ yet again ~ spending alone. My daughters came to visit yesterday but couldn't stay longer as they both had to work. They live an hour away so I had to drive them back early this morning. I miss them terribly already.

My girls are 17 and 20. They both go to school and work part-time. They are busy with their lives. I am not begrudging them as I was terribly busy at their age too and I'm sure I didn't put a lot of effort into my Mom back then either. So I understand in my head why I only see them every 4 to 6 weeks but in my heart,... I miss them.

And now, I am faced with yet another holiday without them. Without anyone. My Mom passed away in April of this year so it's even more difficult. But there are other members of my family that could have invited me over for a Thanksgiving meal ~ but didn't. My brother and sister in law (who I have just reconciled with last October) and my biological Aunt (who I used to be very close to). And this has hurt my feelings because neither one of them even bothered to get in touch to see what I was going to be doing. I purposely mentioned on Facebook that I would only be seeing my daughters on Friday,... and then they were leaving,.... which obviously meant that I would be spending the next 3 days alone.  Either people didn't read it (really? maybe only I'm the facebook/twitter addict) or they just didn't realize,... or worse,.... just didn't care,...

I'm so sick of spending holidays alone. Without going into my past troubles I will just say that I was estranged from my whole family (daughters and all) for many years. So I have spent a lot of Christmas mornings alone,.... Thanksgivings alone,.... Easters,...  whatever the holiday,... I was alone for a good 6 to 7 years.

All because I had a mental illness so my ex took me to court and won custody of my kids while I was having a hospital stay. All because I suffer from depression. He had everyone believing I was a danger to myself (Ok, I was,... I admit that one) to my children and to my family,... (NEVER would I have EVER hurt anyone!) but he had anyone who would listen believing I was a danger and therefore my children were taken away from me and my family disowned me. Hurt does not even begin to cover how that made me feel.

Anyway,... I digress,.....

This blog post was meant to help me get out all of the feelings I have today of loneliness,... unworthiness,... sadness,..... I feel discarded and unwanted. It's probably not intentional on any of my families part. But I feel unwanted all the same.

If you've been following my blog you will see that I have just come out of hospital after a 5 week stay. I was doing so much better. But the past week or two have been going back downhill and today I have just dropped right back into "My Black Fog" once again. It is so scary to me how quickly that can happen for me. And I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic by letting something so trivial like a turkey dinner get me so down.

So maybe I should just let myself have a good 'ol cry. Even pour myself a drink or two to relax. I don't know. I just know I feel really empty inside right now.

I really do hate holidays,.....

Monday, October 3, 2011

Two steps forward,... One step back,....

Well I think I have to admit that last week was a bit of a rough one. My therapist told me that I might find that it would get harder before it would get easier as time passed and she was right. Family and friends are getting on with their lives and I think they all kind of think mine should be too. I did what I needed to do (Hospital and therapy, etc,…)  and now most of that is done with so shouldn’t I be moving on to ‘normal’??

I’m trying. But this past week was hard. My sleeping issues have returned,… Insomnia is back,… fibromyalgia pain is back,…. And some depression is back,… All the things that I took massive amounts of drugs to cover up before ~ are now back. I can’t take drugs to help me sleep anymore. I can’t take drugs to help the pain anymore,…  As I was told would happen, I now have to deal with these things drug-free and it’s really, really hard. I can’t deny that the craving to use to help me with sleep and pain is huge. HUGE! But I have not given in!. But if I'm to be honest,... The only reason I haven't is because I don't have the type of drugs I want to take. I want sleeping pills,... lorazapam,... xanax,... any of those oh so lovely ~ help me to completely zone out ~ drugs. But I have no prescription and don't know how to even start looking for them on the street. But I do feel that Yes,.. I am that desperate for them.

I am still trying to be positive but I know I will sometimes slip. This week I had a few “set-backs” and  I didn’t go to my last 3 therapy classes. That was a fail. I wasn’t happy about missing them but ~ it happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I just have to try harder from here on in. (Man when they said it wasn’t going to be easy ~ they meant it!!) That’s the nature of mental illness and addiction. It’s unpredictable. So having said that,… This week is a brand new week. I can forget past ‘failures’ and instead concentrate on success. I am taking one day at a time. But that little voice in my head that is the illness in me wonders if I'm strong enough.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Seeking out the humour

The past week has been a struggle of wanting to get better but not finding it easy so pushing myself to do what I need to do to "move up" instead of down.
Since I got out of  "the Bin" (I love this term I learned from all my British twitter friends) I have wanted to get well. And for the most part I have been doing much better. The one thing I've noticed in particular is my need for humour. Suddenly I want to watch funny TV shows and movies whereas before I would want to wallow in "mental" or sad movies. I loved to be triggered into my comfort zone of depression. But now,... all I want is humour. I can't get enough. This has to be a good sign. It certainly has me smiling and laughing which has been non-existent for a very long time. People around me have definitely noticed.
But I'm still struggling with sleep issues. Nothing new there. Probably always will struggle with this. So in the past week I have not been able to get up when the alarm goes off. Therefore, I have missed my groups this week. (There were only 3 but still, I really should have gone to them). This has me worried that I am slipping right back to where I was before.
So, I have decided that I am not going to beat myself up about the "up all night ~ sleep till noon" pattern as it causes me way too much guilt and shame and anxiety. I am going to let this issue go. It's just too difficult to change and right now I don't have the energy to put into working on it. But I will work on everything else I have learned. I will get out every single day (If only for a walk). I will continue seeking out humorous TV to keep myself laughing. I will call at least one friend or family member a week (I never called anyone before ~ I hated using the phone and never answered it) I think If I can work on these things, then maybe the rest will just fall into place and I will feel so much better.
Think Positive! Think Happy! Think Humour!

Monday, September 26, 2011

depression day

I seem to be struggling today. I'm so disappointed in myself. I have been trying really hard to do everything I have been told from all the doctors and therapists in the hospital. I've been out of hospital for 3 weeks now and for most of that I had accomplished a lot.
But I can feel myself slipping. I am slowly reverting back to the way I was before I went into the hospital. I had a therapy group appointment this morning at 11:00am. But I went to bed way too late (3'ish) and therefore I just couldn't get out of bed in time this morning. In the end, after trying to wake up I just turned off the alarm and rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30pm this afternoon. Big, fat, FAIL!!!!
I feel guilty for letting people down. And that guilt just lead to me feeling depressed. I am a loser,.... that is what has been rumbling around in my head all day. You can't even do the simplest of things like getting up in the morning!!! How stupid are you??? And so my mood has spiralled down, down, down,....
I know I harp on and on about my sleeping problems on here to the point of boredom. But I just don't understand it. Why do I need to stay up half the night and sleep half the day? It seems to be my natural clock and I know it will never change. I fight it but I never win.
So today I am taking a "depressed" day for myself. I am going to just stay inside and watch TV and do nothing else. Depression,... you really have destroyed my life.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Been out of Hospital for a week

I have been out of hospital for exactly one week today. But already I am slipping back into my old life.

Although I really tried to get my sleeping habits back on track, I found it too hard. So I am now back to the "up all night ~ sleep all day" routine that I have had for most of my adult life. I think I just have to face the fact that this is my bodies natural clock and I will probably never change. I am actually quite comfortable with this schedule really. It's just society that tells me it's wrong and I have to change it. This actually irritates me no end. I mean, I can't be the only person in the world who is a natural night owl. There must me hundreds,... thousands of us. Why can't you all just leave us be and let us go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at noon. Maybe I should ask the rest of the world to change to MY schedule. Let them see how difficult it is to change a lifetime of habit.

I'm already having problems with medication too. Before I went into hospital I was on a lot of drugs. Seroquel, cipralex, lorazapam,.... in differing dosages over the past 5 years. The highest being 800 mg of Seroquel. (tranquillizing!!!) But now they have me on ONLY 100 mg of Seroquel and NOTHING else. At first this felt good. Wonderful even. But after 6 weeks I am starting to see some problems. ONE,... I can't fall asleep anymore. I'm sleeping very little which is leaving me exhausted. Dragging myself through each day. And TWO,... The fibromyalgia pain has come back with a vengeance. For years I was so medicated and numbed out that the pain was masked. Now that the medications are gone, the pain has returned. It's excruciating. Now I remember why I loved being so zoned out on my meds!!

I also can't afford medication. (I don't have a health plan of any kind) and for the past few years my doctors were giving me samples from the drug reps. But when I left the hospital last Friday I was given a one week supply of my Seroquel (100mg) which runs out today. I was given a prescription for it but when I took it in to the pharmacist I was told it would be $200.00 Are you kidding me???? I don't even pretend to have that kind of money. So I had them cancel it. So now, it looks like I will be on no meds! Now I have a stock-pile of Seroquel hidden away (as every good psychiatric patient usually does,...) but they are 400mg tablets. Here's the dilemma. Do I take no meds? or 400 mg a day of Seroquel? (4 times my prescibed dose). And then when this stockpile runs out what do I do? I'm very, very frustrated right now about the whole medication issue. I'm ready to pack it all in and go "No Meds" and just say to hell with it all. I know I'll eventually crash and get really sick again but,... well,.. you tell me the answer,.... My family doctor will not prescribe anything to me until she gets the hospital report back and even then I can't afford what she will prescibe anyway. It's all a huge mess.
And I'm also frustrated because the psychiatrist I'm to see can't get me in until November. NOVEMBER? Seriously? I just got out of a psychiatric hospital for trying to kill myself! And now they're asking me to just sit tight for 2 and a half months before I get any care. I hate this system. The hospital smothered me in care and then spit me out leaving me to fend for myself all of a sudden. I can tell you right now that is not going to work. I already feel abandoned and afraid.
Anyway, I will stop here as what was suppose to start off as a nice calm entry into letting everyone know how I'm doing since I got out of the hospital has turned into a frustrated rant. probably not that exciting for people to read. I guess I'm more upset than I thought.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Healing and recovery begin

Being in the new ward was where the healing and recovery began. Suddenly I found I was busy. It felt like I was in College. Each morning I was up and showered by 6:30am and off to breakfast before classes began. Some of the classes were light and educational. (In other words, boring and mandatory,..) But some were quite intense. Apparently we must peel off all the layers of our life. Like an onion. (Theres a lot of crying before it’s all done) before we can build ourselves back up again on a more solid foundation. These classes were hard work emotionally and I usually felt quite drained afterwards. I had no idea just how hard all this “getting better” was going to be.
It’s why I enjoyed my meal times so much. It was like “recess”. The cafeteria was a buzz of every patient from every ward in the whole hospital coming together. I’m a people watcher. And this place had a whole lot of variety of different folks to watch.
Our ward (Trillium 1) was usually the first in line. We joked amongst ourselves what gluttonous pigs we have become. Next to come are usually the H.A.B.S. This is the drug and alcohol addiction ward. There are a lot of tattoo’s and funky hairdo’s with this group. Then theres what I call “The Sticks”. (and I use this term affectionately having been an anorexia survivor myself,....) Girls from the Eating Disorder Unit. They keep to themselves. Huddled up at a table talking calories and exercise. I’ve never seen a stick actually eat anything more than salad and coffee. Some of these girls are so painfully thin they have to drive around the hospital on scooters because they’re too frail to walk for any length of time. And so it goes. All patients from all the wards getting together. It really is a mixed bunch.
I have been in Homewood now since August 4th. ~ 26 days ~  I’m not sure how long I will have to be here. I don’t mind really. I know it’s helping me to get well. And it’s not exactly a hardship. All meals made for you (No dishes!!) Hot tub, massages, work out room, bowling alley, crafts, miles of lovely trails to walk,…. And every night is like a slumber party in the patient lounge. We all sit in our jammies watching TV and having fun. In fact, I’m a little anxious about having to return home when the time comes.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Step 2 ~ "Supported Care"

Down at the end of the hall were the ominous, locked double doors that separated the “Crisis Care” ward of T1, from the “Supportive Care” of T2.

This was the door to freedom.

Each time we heard the loud clunk of it opening, all the patients would look longingly at the people coming in and going out. Because the people moving through this door had something we all wanted ~ freedom.
After nearly a week of existing in the prison of T1, I was finally called to the nurses station and given the news that I had graduated to “Supportive Care” (Otherwise known as T2) It was late at night — 10:00pm. An unusual time for a patient transfer so it completely took me off guard. Suddenly, after days of pacing the halls and reciting the mantra in my head “I can’t wait to get out of here and move to T2,…” the time had finally come. I collected what few belongings I had and walked behind the nurse towards the doors. But in doing so, I found myself feeling a bit apprehensive. As boring and uncomfortable as T1 was, it had strangely become my bubble of security. Nothing was expected of me here so I had settled into a comfortable peace. No stress. Just a calm and quiet environment in which I was told to do nothing but heal.

But now I was taking my first steps to my next level of recovery. I felt a light stirring of fear. Fear of the start of my journey of taking responsibility. Hmmm,…. Now that it was here I wasn’t sure I was ready. But I put that all aside and dutifully picked up my bag and followed the nurse through the doors to what was commonly called “The Other Side” ~ Trillium 2.

With no personal grooming for nearly a week I probably looked a bit worse for wear. I certainly felt like I had been through a battle. So I was a bit embarrassed and a lot self-conscious as I passed through the doors walking straight into the patient lounge of 20 curious people. All eyes turned to me. I felt awkward. I kept my eyes averted as I followed the nurse to my new room.

My room was a double. My room-mate couldn’t have been more different from myself. A very young, strikingly beautiful Muslim girl. That took me by surprise although I don’t know why. I guess I was expecting a more middle-aged woman like the ones I had befriended in T1. It once again reminded me of how unbiased this disease of mental illness was. Not caring what age, gender, race or religion you were. It affected everybody from all walks of life. She gave me a shy hello before scurrying out leaving me alone in my new surroundings.

This ward allowed a more relaxed and comfortable atmosphere. I now had my own closet and drawers. (No more locked cupboard!) We were allowed everything but “sharps” now which meant I could keep everything I had except my razor. I unpacked what little I had and sat on my bed. I had been given my phone back so I plugged that in to charge it right away. I was anxious to text Michelle and Hayley. To finally have my life-line to the outside world was exhilarating to me.

T2 had a simple system of 5 privileges. When I first arrived I was at the first level. “Ward”. This meant that I was confined to this unit only. Meals were brought to me and eaten at the long wooden table in the lounge. I didn’t mind. It was a much more comfortable setting than T1. Leather chairs to relax in and a TV that wasn’t covered by a scratched up piece of Plexiglas.

The second level, which I received by my doctor the next day, was “Ward with Manor Patio”. This was what all the patients coming from T1 covet. To finally get to go outside! I could now go to the sidewalk at the front of the building which is where all the smokers hung out. Or I could go out back to a large patio. This is where I preferred to go as it was a no smoking zone and usually empty. We were allowed outside to either of these places for 15 minute intervals once per hour. We had to sign in and out when we used this privilege so our assigned nurse for the day always knew where you were.

I was one of the lucky patients who was given the level 3 privilege after only 4 days. (It’s usually 2 weeks before any patient receives this,… I must have been a good girl!) This was “House”. Now I could go anywhere inside the hospital unaccompanied by staff. I loved this new privilege. I enjoyed meandering aimlessly through all the many halls. It was at this level that I discovered just how big and beautiful this hospital was. I never tired of exploring it.

Now I was allowed to go to the cafeteria for all my meals. I was pleasantly surprised at how good the food was here. All the patients would come to the cafe at the designated meal times of 7:30am,…. 11:30am,… and 4:30pm,… like dutiful cows to the trough. Meal times are a big deal here. In a sequestered world where there’s not a lot to do looking forward to meals was a good pass-time. We all clock-watched so we’d never be late for one.

And finally Thursday I was given level 4 privilege of “Grounds”. Grounds was the best. Now I was permitted to walk around the hospital grounds. Acres and acres of lovely gardens and forest. I spent a lot of my spare time outside after that. I had discovered this little get-away. Hidden behind our ward was this magnificent veranda. With peeling paint and lovely old features I claimed it as my own. I spent hours there snuggled up in a big muskoka chair reading or writing in my mandatory journal. I had to admit, It almost felt like a vacation.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011


“The hospital was on a hill outside of town the way hospitals are in movies about the insane. Our hospital was famous and had housed many great poets and singers. Did the hospital specialize in poets and singers or was it that poets and singers specialized in madness”                                                                                                                                                                                                             – Susanna Kaysen ~ ”Girl, Interrupted”

August 4th 2011  — I entered Homewood
A world-renowned hospital for the criminally insane (just kidding,…)  Homewood health Centre. A psychiatric hospital,… A big, rambling, slightly creepy old place. Steeped in history the labyrinth of halls and stairs and wings, told many a tale of human suffering, recovery and health. Built in stages over 128 years, It’s a maze of deep slanting corridors, crooked wings sticking out of halls that never seem to end. A rambling puzzle. Sectioned into different wards. All geared to different psychiatric conditions. Mental illness,… addiction,…eating disorders,… Locked doors separating each.And each ward a small community. I often wonder how many people have roamed these halls over the 128 year lifespan of this majestic building. (If only these walls could talk,… what stories they could tell,…)
When I first arrived I was taken to Trillium 1. (T1) A ward geared to patients in crisis. Most of us arrived from hospitals from all across Canada. By ambulance,…by police,…by taxi’s. (One celebrity even arrived by private plane a week before me!) all having suffered a mental breakdown of some degree. I was admitted as a prescription meds overdose. This ward was not fun. Here,.. you are not allowed belts, strings or cords. They are removed from all your clothes by the nurse when you first arrive. Hair dryers, flat irons and make-up are not allowed either. After 3 days of no personal grooming I had begun to resemble Gene Simmons!
I spent three tedious, mind-numbingly boring days on this ward. With only a TV to keep me occupied. I had brought a book but it was a hard cover — not allowed. It’s considered a weapon. (We may try to bash each other up-side the head???) So it was confiscated. So I sat on a hard plastic chair watching mundane TV shows. Hour after hour, the whole time I was there. I am now wondering if at some time boredom was used as an ancient medieval torture as it nearly drove me mad!!
The ceiling light was never shut off in your room. Sleep alluded me night after night as it frustratingly glared down at me. Nurses checked I was still alive and kicking every hour.
For the first few days I suffered from withdrawals. After years and years of many different meds fed to my system my body now started to rebel when my blood stream cleared. Sweats, nausea and other not-so-pretty symptoms claimed my body. I tried to endure it stoically (and drug free) but it wasn’t a fun time at all. I was relieved when it was finally over. Now — 12 days later — I feel so clear. Life is now in sharp focus and vivid colours.
When I was finally deemed “de-toxed” I was upgraded to the Trillium 2 ward (T2)
(will continue next entry,…)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Missing In Action.....

I have been missing in action. I checked myself into hospital I will be there for the next month or so. I look forward to writing on here again when I get back home. Wish me well in my recovery....... (as I hope all of you are well)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

frustrated with the system

Had a really bad few days. Sunday night I took an OD. But, I woke up Tuesday morning. Because I live alone there wasn't anyone to call 911 (yeah). When I did wake up I was really shaky and wobbly. Still am. But worst was punishing myself for not being successful I started cutting instead.
There is absolutely no doubt that I need help.But the wheels run very, very slowly. I went for my assessment at the psych centre where she took down as much info as she could (through my charts and what I told her) and then she directs me on to who would be the best care for me. She agreed I needed to have an immediate appointment. But... the best she could do was NOVEMBER 29th. That's an immediate appointment????? That's 4 months away.
I just don't know what to do. I'm struggling so hard to fight myself back to health but I don't seem to be moving forward.

Friday, July 29, 2011

struggling to see the point

Despite yesterdays upbeat post I am still struggling tonight. I think I was on a kind of high all day yesterday as i was so pleased to finally have someone validate how I feel and that I don't have bipolar. But when i woke up this morning, reality set in. OK,... I don't have bipolar. But I still have a lot of issues and I am still mentally ill.
My depression is so severe I cannot function anymore. I don't even want to.
Then there was the woman telling me that she is certain I have deep-seeded trauma that has yet to surface which is causing my depression and agoraphobia and anxiety. I really don't remember anything.
I was adopted when I was 2. I lived the real "Leave it to Beaver" lifestyle. My parents were loving, never fought, never drank, we went to Church every Sunday. I tried telling this woman that I think shes wrong but she swears that something went wrong somewhere in my life.
That leaves before my adoption. I was born to an 18 yr old who lived for drugs and alcohol. I lived in the family home with Grandma ~ who was a prostitute and alcoholic.... with Mom who was a prostitute and alcoholic and drug addict.... and with 7 Aunts and Uncles who were WILD. Grandma didn't have a hope in hell of controlling any of them. So,... OK,....maybe this woman is right. Maybe bad things did happen to me in my first 2 years of life in my biological home.
But here's the thing. Can you really be so affected by trauma you don't even remember happened? I was a baby and remember NOTHING. Could I still be subconsciously feeling the affects?
She says "definitely". So she has agreed to have me come to her once a week and we are going to get to the bottom of this. Trouble is,... I don't have the energy. It sounds like a lot of painful stuff could come up and quite frankly I am just too depressed right now to care or work at it. I'm done.
She told me I need to look up "Emotion regulation developmental trauma" on the Internet. Emotion,... what???? Never heard of it. It makes me wonder if these doctors and counselors really know what they are doing or are they digging for stuff that just isn't there. I can't decide. Maybe I'm just too frightened to even go there. Maybe nothing happened at all.
Regardless of all that......
I have a different problem tonight. (Or should I say this morning as it is after 1:00am now) I have given up. I just feel so sad and depressed and worthless that I just can't decide whether I even want to bother anymore. I'm just so tired of it all. Exhausted from the daily struggle just to get out of bed and have a shower. I just don't see the point to it all anymore.
I think I need to have a good long sleep tonight. But unfortuantely I have insomnia. For three nights now I just cant fall asleep. I don't have any meds to take to make me sleep either. I'm at the point where I want to smack my head with a 2 x 4 just to knock me out so I can get some rest. (Don't worry, won't actually do that....) I guess it's another night of warm milk,... melatonin,... relaxation CD...and graval. And to lie awake in bed hour after hour wishing my mind would just STOP and let me sleep. My doctor stopped my anxiety meds two weeks ago and I don't think I'm adjusting well not having them. I have been taking them for years so for her to just stop them all of sudden I think has screwed up my body and sleep. Maybe in a few weeks my body will adjust and I'll start sleeping better.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

4 O'Clock in the morning ramble

I had a not-too-bad day today. My first appointment with the  Mental Health Centre was this afternoon. I didn’t know what to expect so I kind of worried myself into a state of anxiety the night before and couldn’t sleep at all. But it went well. I’m not sure what the lady I had the assessment with was (counselor, doctor???) but I like her a lot. My 20 minute appointment ended up being well over an hour long. She had received a lot of my paperwork ahead of time from Doctors, social workers and even had copies of my Children’s Aid stuff from my adoption way back in 1965!! (I was taken into care at a year old and then adopted into a new family when I was 2) which she had requested weeks ago and I sent to her. And she had taken the time to read it all before I even had my first appointment with her. I liked that. Most people I have dealt with over the years just skim my charts and throw medication at me. I definitely felt like just another “chart” to them. But this woman really seemed to want to help and did all her homework in able to do that. FINALLY….. Someone is listening to me. My move to F***** this spring looks like it could have been the best thing I’ve done. First I land a great Family Doctor 2 months ago. She has been listening to me and taking a lot of time with me. No family doctor has ever been so caring and supportive. (win!) And it was her (my new family doctor) that got me hooked up with this local mental health centre. She even called them herself to ensure that I got in right away. My first app’t was supposed to be August 30th which my doctor really felt was too far away. So she personally called over there herself to get me in right away. Having this new-found care has really given me hope that we can now start from scratch and take the time to get a proper diagnoses (No doctors have ever agreed with each other on what my diagnoses is so I have ended up with many…) All of my adult life I have seen many different doctors and I have been told I have many different mental illnesses. I think,… and I’m no doctor here… but I think I have depression/anxiety/BPD. (Not Bipolar… not OCD….or any of the other dozen or so ‘types’ that have been thrown around in my charts for the past 30 years.
So,… (yup, kinda got off track there sorry…) I was really pleased to hear that she absolutely agreed with me that I should go for a thorough evaluation that will, once and for all, discover what it is I really DO have. The reason this is so important is because I need to be taking the right medication that helps for that specific illness.
This being said…. Imagine how relieved I was when this woman told me that in no way do I have bipolar. Hallelujah!! I could have wept with relief. I have been telling doctors for 10 years that I really don’t feel that this was the right diagnosis but they all insisted that's what I had. Now,… finally…. Someone agrees with me.  I don’t know why doctors found it so difficult to know I wasn’t bipolar. I never have the “highs” your suppose to get with this disease. I have only ever been depressed so how is that bipolar?
Anyway,… went off track again…
This woman also told me I had…. Oh God, dare I say it? The “a” word. I have been mulling this around in my head for the past 3 years but didn’t even want to go there but she said it. Agoraphobia. Yup, there it is, the mental illness that doesn’t allow people to leave their homes. There are obviously didn’t degrees of this illness so in my mind I guess I thought agoraphobics NEVER leave their homes. (Which isn’t me) I leave my apartment, although rarely, if I need to. I can go grocery shopping or to the bank or to my brothers house. But I can’t go anywhere where I might have to interact with people I don’t know. My comfort zone is my apartment and that is about the only time I’m comfortable. Once “out in the world” my anxiety rises so high it’s very unnerving and overwhelming to me. I have basically been a recluse for the past 3 years. I spend 90% of my time in my home. I only go out when I need to get groceries or deposit a cheque, etc… and even then it’s a quick trip and then strait home. I have forced myself to go on walks once a week just to make sure I get outside a little bit. (But I REALLY don’t like to)
This has been a huge problem for me over the past 3 years. My world has shrunk to these four walls of my apartment and a tiny little circle of people who I am comfortable with (My daughters and my brother and sister-in-law) Otherwise, any type of social event has me too anxious and overwhelmed to participate in. My brother was going to be going to the F***** truck show last weekend. (I had gotten 2 free tickets) so a few weeks ago we planned for me to go with them. But, as always happens, the closer it got to the day, the more freaked out I became. So I cancelled saying it was too hot. I do this ALL THE TIME! Weeks before something I agree to go (and at the time I say this I really do believe that this time I will go...) but as the event or party or whatever gets closer the more anxious I become and I almost always end up making an excuse to not be able to go. And in doing this I have burned a lot of bridges with people because they get fed up with me and eventually just stop calling me or asking me to do anything. I had one friend in St. Thomas (where I lived for the past 2 yrs before I moved here) who tried so hard to get me out so we could do stuff together but as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t leave my apartment. This poor girl tried over and over again and in the end she was really hurt because she felt so slighted all the time. She thought SHE had done something wrong and I was just mad at her or disinterested altogether. But I wasn’t mad at her at all. I just wasn’t able to allow myself to do anything outside my home. To this day she still keeps in touch on Facebook. I felt really, really bad for her (and disappointed and upset with myself for not being strong enough to overcome my “outside of my house issues” But really… she’s the only one who hasn’t completely given up on me. I don’t blame people for being so fed up… I’M fed up of myself so I can’t imagine how they all feel!
So yeah,… this has been an eye opener for me. I think I always knew I had this but I just didn’t want to admit it even to myself. I mean come on,… agoraphobia???? Only people on “The Learning Channel” get that… Not me…. But nope… today it was said ~ out loud ~ that I have it. Bad news is… I have just been diagnosed with agoraphobia…. The good news is… It’s apparently highly treatable to overcome.
So with my severe and (very long-standing ~ stubborn) depression (Have had it my whole adult life) and my anxiety and BPD…. I can now add agoraphobia to my list. :-( But, on the plus side…. I don’t have bipolar. :-)
So, now that I have admitted this to myself I can hopefully work with this woman to overcome it. So I will be seeing her once a week for counseling. I can’t tell you the relief I feel just knowing that I now have someone supporting/helping me professionally on a constant and regular basis. I haven’t had that in YEARS.

We also talked a lot about my past and different things I have gone through, etc,... She thinks my first year of life I was traumatized and it has effected me ever since. She wants me to look up "Emotion regualtion develpmental trauma" for next session. I'm not sold on this but I will do the reading.

What happened in my first year of life that could have been so traumatizing for me? I'm still working on that. I think that will have to wait for another blog post. I've rambled on enough in this one.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

So sad

I am so sad today. It's not just the numbing depression anymore... It's this overwhelming sadness... I just want to cry. This mental illness has robbed me of my life. I'm so tired of it. I long to be "normal"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Back on Seroquel :-(

I went to my GP yesterday. I did not tell her about taking all the Tylenol last week. Instead I told her about how 6 months ago I had 3 abnormal liver results in my blood work and my last doctor didn't tell me what that meant so I'm asking her now. She decided to have me go for blood work to get it re-tested. This is exactly what I wanted her to do so I was pleased. Now I will know if my liver was affected last week due to all the Tylenol I took. And my Doctor didn't have to know what I did. I know it isn't smart to not always be honest with your Doctor but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what I had done.
In regards to my meds. She is going to have me continue on with the Cipralex only I'm now doubling the dose from 10mg to 20mg a day. She did not continue any of my anxiety meds which has freaked me out as I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage without them. My seroquel ran out 3 weeks ago so i told her that so she told me to start them up again. I'm not sure how I feel about this as Seroquel has certainly given me problems over the past 4 or 5 yrs I've been taking it. It leaves me feeling completely 'tranquillized' and I find I can't function. Over the past 3 weeks I was off of it I had suddenly 'woken up' I was getting up again at normal hours and not sleeping my life away. It felt nice. But last night I took my 300mg at around 4 in the afternoon. By 6:30pm I couldn't keep my eyes open so went to bed. I didn't wake up again until 1:30 this afternoon. That means I slept for 19 hours!!!!! And that hangover feeling of not fully waking up is back. So I'm really disappointed that I have been told I have to stay on this medication. I feel like this med has robbed me of my life for the past 4 or 5 years.
I have no medical coverage. I am living on a small disability and can't afford meds. So my doctors have been giving me samples from drug reps for years. I am so very grateful for this. I could not be on medication at all if they hadn't done this. So I came home yesterday loaded with my one month supply of meds. Including the dreaded Seroquel. I wished I didn't have to take this drug but it's one of the few the doctors can get through reps so that's why they keep me on it. Although they do insist it is a very effective drug and is doing me a lot of good. I have my doubts. It all comes back to the "Which is worse,... the disease or the side effects of the drugs used to combat it??" I'm so confused I just don't know anymore. I mean really,.... sleeping for 19 hours???? What kind of a life is that? I feel like all I do in my life is sleep. ~ sigh ~ But when doctors insist I'm better off taking it what am I to do?
I'm really getting tired of this mental illness.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

Feeling a touch better

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not only did I manage a shower but I have done 3 loads of laundry as well. But it's 35 degrees and humid as hell here right now so I think I'm done for the day doing anything else. It's just too hot.
Tomorrow I have my GP doctors app't where I go to renew my meds. I think I will tell her that I have been feeling nauseous and light-headed all week ~ But of course won't tell her why. Hopefully she will require I go for blood work so I can check out my liver. Not being truthful with her about what I did with the Tylenol may not be the smartest thing but I'm just too embarrassed and scared to tell her the truth. I have had liver problems in the past so I can tell her that it may be acting up again. Hopefully she will agree and get it checked again.
And a week tomorrow I finally get in to the psych centre for my first assessment appointment.
I am feeling better that it is now a lot closer. Originally my appointment was August 30th!!! But when my doctor realized I was in more of a need (crisis?) she called them and they got me in next week. It is nice to know that they are listening to me when I say that I really am struggling.
Taking it easy and just taking baby steps forward.
I will get through this,...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Yes it was a silly thing to do,...

I'm still not feeling well today. And I know why. I'm the only one who does. Last Monday I did something. I have been struggling so much with my depression and worthlessness over such a long time now. I just couldn't bear it any longer. I have OD'd a few times in the past but it has never worked. I was either found, didn't take the right meds or threw up. So I knew something had to be done differently. I decided that I would take an OD of Tylenol. But, having worked in a medical office I know a lot about this drug. It has a delayed effect. It enters your system and then (if not thrown up or forced to go to hospital for anti-dote or charcoal) it will take up to a week to do the damage to your body. By that time it would be too late to fix. Problem was, I didn't know how many "too many" was going to have to be. I knew I needed to not throw up so I came up with the plan to take 3 every hour for the whole day. And I did until I got to 21. By that time I was so nauseous that I couldn't move from my chair. I couldn't even get water down anymore without feeling like I was going to throw up so I stopped at 21. (wanted to take lots more but I physically couldn't because of the nausea) In the end it obviously wasn't enough because it hasn't done anything to my body. Well, except make me feel completely nauseous for the past 6 days. It has steadily gotten better over the course of this week so that today I just feel 'unwell'.
I'm not going to lie. I am disappointed. I wished I had died. But I can assure you. I won't be doing anything like that again. The nausea has been unbearable and now I realize the whole plan itself was flawed and stupid.
I told my brother (who dropped by a few days ago) that I guess my new medication isn't agreeing with me ~ hence the nausea. He bought it and is none the wiser to my silly fiasco.
My body has now healed. My depression has not. I called the Psych centre where I am waiting for a first appointment (assessment) and told them that I was struggling ~ a lot ~ and that I needed to speak with someone soon. They managed to get me an appointment for July 19th. A week and a half away. So I guess all that I have to do now is just sit tight until then. (I promise you all reading this I will not try to commit suicide) I will not admit to anyone I did this though as I do have an intense fear and hatred of the hospital and as mentioned in my blog before I can't leave my apt as there really isn't anyone to take care of my cat or bills or stuff. I always do much better at home. The hospital just causes me a lot of undue stress and anxiety. I've been admitted 6 or 7 times in the past 15 years and i never felt it ever helped me.
So right now I am just staying in my apartment. I am NOT going to hurt myself. I am just going to sit it out until my appointment. I feel numb and depressed and worthless. I am struggling to do even the simplest of everyday chores. But I think if I can just get up everyday,.. have a shower everyday,... and just stay safe everyday I will be fine. At least I know now that help is just around the corner.
I will be fine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Still here

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I am still here. But struggling so much. I don't understand why I am so paralyzed and can't do anything. Writing seems too hard right now.  :-(

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Feeling really alone

Really having a hard go of it right now. Just can't function. Hate this 'hovering in nowhere land' feeling too sad and depressed to care about life. Only managing to shower and eat everyday. Apartment is a disgrace. Forgot to pay rent. Forgot to deposit cheque. Can't seem to even manage one load of laundry. I wished I didn't live alone. Help would be so appreciated right now. Probably have to admit I'm unable to live on my own right now but have no one else so am forced to. Trying my best to stay above water. But can't help feeling like I'm sinking.

Friday, June 24, 2011

I want to write but I'm just too tired. So tired


Progress? I think so,... not sure,...
After my disappointing intake phone call where I was told my appointment wouldn't be until August 30th I really went downhill. I literally cried with the frustration of it all. The next morning I made an appointment with my new GP. They tried to give me an app't in a weeks time but I insisted it was urgent and so they miraculously found me an app't that day.
I went in to her and I told her everything. I didn't hold back anything except that my suicidal thoughts were also urges and plans. I knew if I told her that I would end up in the hospital and that is the last thing I could cope with right now. So i just said I had suicidal thoughts. (I'm getting to know how doctors work now,... NEVER say your planning!)
She sat up and took notice.
I told her I didn't think my medication (Seroquel XR 400mg and Lorazapam) were doing a blind bit of good as I was still very depressed and this bout of it has now lasted for nearly 3 years. I tried getting across to her just how badly I have slipped and how deeply I have succumbed into this illness.
So she wrote me a prescription for Cipralex (only 10mg) and Clonazepam (only .25mg) and she assured me the clonazepam would only be for 4 weeks. No repeats at all. Ok,... obviously she has now read my chart from my past doctors and knows about my prescription medication overdose history. In fact,... she even asked for the bottle of my Lorazapam back as it still had about a dozen pills left in it. Oh oh,... This doctor is not going to be a pushover with meds. Damn. In fact,... she is extremely cautious and has told me she will not write any repeats if I use them all up before the prescription runs out. So no hoarding pills for "just in case"
I know in my head that this is a very good thing and shes actually being a great doctor. But I have always needed a stockpile of meds put aside "just in case" It comforts me to know it is there. I NEED that out. Now there is no way I will be able to have that. It makes me slightly unsettled. So unsettled that I have actually been getting desperate enough to start thinking of looking for illegal pills on the street. How on earth I would even know where to look or who to go to I have no idea. But I just feel like I need that "safety net" Yes,... I am a desperate girl right now. But I really do want to have some xanax or lorazapam or some other anxiety med to take when I get so "buzzy" I can't stand it. Doctors just don't seem to understand how horrible it is to be so anxious you can't concentrate because your mind is just too full and won't stop 'thinking'. All I can think of right now is how am I going to get my hands on anxiety meds??????
It seems ridiculous for a 47 yr old lady to be wandering the streets looking to find someone who looks like they might have a pharmacy under their jacket. But thats how desperate I am feeling. I think on top of my depression my anxiety is getting out of control or I wouldn't be thinking these ludacrous thoughts of "I must find meds ~ anywhere!"
The only good thing to come out of it all is that she is calling the Tr***s Mental Health Services herself to ask them to please get me in asap rather than two and a half MONTHS from now. I won't hold my breath but I am pleased that I finally got through to someone that I just can't take this depression and anxiety anymore and need help.
Time will tell how soon I get it,....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Discouraged for having to wait so long

I got a message from Tr****s, a Guelph-area mental health service, last week to give them a call to do a 20 minute intake. I did that today. My new family doctor had put in a "semi-urgent" referral for me to see a psychiatrist but this place is what is calling me so I'm a little bit confused. . I thought the referral was to an actual psychiatrist.  Anyway, she asked me general questions about my past mental health history and whats going on right now. She then made me an appointment for AUGUST 30th.  Seriously??? My doctor told them it was a "semi-urgent" referral. I told her how depressed I've been and how I'm not functioning anymore and yes I'm having suicidal thoughts but not urges (Yes, I lied about the urges as I don't want to go into the hospital) So I'm not sure what this place refers to as 'normal' 'semi-urgent' or 'urgent'. But for someone who has admitted to suicidal thoughts I would have thought they'd be concerned enough to get an appointment in less time than 2 and a half MONTHS. I'm really disappointed with this appointment being so far away. Anyway,.. I then asked her which psychiatrist I would be going to see and she then told me this wasn't for a psychiatrist. She said my app't would be with a "mental health worker" ??? What is that? Are they even a qualified doctor of any kind? I didn't ask. I didnt' think to until I got home and wondered about it. She said this person will speak with me and access me and then recommend any further treatments I should need. When I asked about psychiatrists she then said that there is a long wait for psychiatrists in my area. Now I know I should have been more on the ball and asked her questions while I had her on the phone but I didn't. So now I'm not sure if she meant I'm now on a list for a psychiatrist or if they even refer the patients to psychiatrists in the first place. I'm getting the feeling that this place recommends support in the community like support groups, etc,...
I don't know. I really am quite confused.
I had someone comment on this blog once that they live in Ontario and her and a few other family members have had great mental health care. I believe her. And that's why I'm wondering why I always seem to fall through the cracks in my care. How are all these other people in Ontario getting to see psychiatrists right away? The only thing I can think of is they are going private. I cannot afford to go private as I have no health coverage at all except OHIP. So I have to wait on a list of psychiatrists that are covered by OHIP.
I am quite discouraged right now.
I think the only way I am going to get any immediate care is if I am in crisis and brought to an emergency ward by ambulance. I certainly don't want THAT to happen. But I don't see why I have to wait until the fall to get any kind of support or care.
And then when I do attempt to OD people always ask why I did it. Well maybe it's because I needed help immediately but I was told I had to wait 2 and a half months ~ and that was just for the assessment where they would evaluate me and then recommend care. So there will be even more waiting after that appointment. It could be September or even October before I finally GET any actual help.
Now I'm not saying I'm special and deserve any special treatment. I'm just wondering why I seem to have to wait all the time on lists when other people from Ontario get in touch with me and tell me their care was much better. I'm only asking to be given the same opportunities as everyone else. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I am feeling quite disheartened tonight. I feel over-looked and like no one really cares if I get any professional help or not. I am definitely feeling like a "number lost in the system" right now. I expected more. But right now, I'm too tired and depressed to fight for anything. Right now having a shower is like climbing a mountain. Fighting the system is just way too overwhelming to think about let alone try.
I'm just too unwell.  ~ sigh,....


I am going downhill. My mood is going down. My motivation is non-existent. This depression has now paralyzed me. I am rotting away in my apartment. I am stuck. I can't move forward. I can't move at all. I am just sitting in this apartment rotting away.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

numb and flat

Feeling bad today. I knew the moment I woke up is wasn't going to go well. I was suppose to go to my sister-in-laws fathers funeral today but didn't. I just wasn't up to it. I feel so fragile mentally that I knew I just couldn't face a crowd of people I didn't know. (The only people I would know would be busy and wouldn't be able to 'caudle' me) I as very sad and tearful. My depression all consuming. There was just no way i was going to be able to 'fake it' today. So I did what i absolutely didn't want to do. I called my brother and said I wasn't well and that I wouldn't be able to go. He seemed fine about it (But was he really?) I, on the other hand, was NOT fine about it. I was upset and disappointed in myself for being so weak and fragile.
But really,... there was no way I was ever going to cope with that stress today. I really wasn't up to it.
I wanted to take a bunch of seroquel to pass me out. Yes,... self medicate. Knock me out so I didn't have to be in the world for awhile. But I wasn't sure if my daughter was coming up to visit me or not. (The one that's been in the hospital) She said if she got out today then she would drive out here to visit with me Saturday. But I never heard from her. After finally phoning her Dad I found out she did get out of hospital but she wouldn't be coming out to visit with me. My heart fell. I guess I hadn't realized how much I was hoping she would. The disappointment made me want to self-harm. But I didn't. Instead I spent the day on the couch watching show after show after show. Mindlessly doing nothing. My mind sad and depressed and flat.
I want to disintegrate into nothing.
I just don't want to be here anymore.
Right now it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm still awake. Once I post this I am going to try to get some sleep. But I don't look forward to tomorrow. Or any other day for that matter. It's just going to be another day of hating myself. Feeling worthless. Feeling depressed. feeling alone. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I want to, but I didn't,...

Today was really really hard. I went to see my daughter in the psych ward. I didn't realize how hard that was going to be for me. I was so intent on just getting there so I could see my daughter that I forgot about all the times that I had been in there myself and the horrible memories that entailed. It was quite unnerving. While I sat there talking to her in the common area, I found myself quite anxious and agitated and every fibre of my being just wanted to get up and run out. To check that I wasn't locked in and that I could leave at any time because I was the visitor and not the patient. But I put all that aside so I could be there for my daughter.
The good news is she wasn't mad at me and we had a good talk. It would have killed me if she wouldn't have seen me. But thank God she did and it looks as if things are good between us once again. Of course nothing was mentioned about the car repair money or the email my ex sent me as it obviously wasn't the time or place to get into all that. Instead she told me how shes been feeling the past few weeks and how she actually told her Dad to bring her to hospital because she wasn't feeling safe. We talked about her diagnoses she was given (alcohol/drug use ~ bipolar ~ depression and anorexic tendencies) She is ME when I was her age! I was exactly the same as her when I was 20. That really bothered me. It just reminded me that I am the one who has given her the "mentally unwell" gene. I know in my head it isnt' really my fault. But in my heart I feel really, really guilty.
She asked how I was doing and I didn't lie. I told her I have been feeling fragile over the past few weeks and I should probably be in hospital right along side her but I refuse to be honest with my doctor as I can't go into hospital. I live alone and theres no one to look after things if I go into hospital for a few weeks. I need to pay bills, feed my cat,.... Yes, they are real problems but we all know the real reason is I just can't bear to be "LOCKED UP"  Just typing the words gives me a chill up my spine. Being in a locked ward totally freaks me out. So I will do anything not to be admitted.
Anyway,... (starting to ramble on a bit there)
I am still feeling fragile and anxious and depressed. When I finally got home all I wanted to do was self-harm and self medicate. I wanted to take so many pills that it would have knocked me out for a week so I could just leave my mind. I wanted to take so many pills I may never wake up at all.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I have a sick daughter in hospital in crisis herself. I need to be there for her. I have a sister-in-law who's father just died yesterday so I have to attend that funeral on Friday. In other words, I have to be sober and conscious to meet my responsibilities this week.
But it was soooooooo hard! I just want to feel that soft and fuzzy world where everything slowly gets hazy and my mind finally stops going round and round. I want to drift off into a land of nothingness. To feel no more pain or stress or anxiety,.... To just not feel at all,....
But I won't. As much as my body is crying out to self harm (cut) and numb my brain,... I won't.
It's going to be a really long night,....

Monday, June 13, 2011

I feel like I'm falling apart

I felt really overwhelmed and anxious and depressed last night after having spent the day at my cousins shower. I hadn't been in a social situation in quite some time so i found it quite difficult. By the time i got back home I was feeling really sad and depressed. So i gave in to my BPD impulses and self-medicated with double my seroquel dose as well as wine, lorazapam and a beer. So i pretty much expected that I wouldn't wake up until later afternoon today. That was the intended goal. To sleep as long as I could so i didn't have to feel.
At 6:30am I heard my phone beep. My sister-in-law was texting me to say that her father had just passed away a few hours previously. I acknowledged that message thinking once I wake up I'll call her. Because I had self-medicated the night before I was feeling very groggy and couldn't keep my eyes open. I actually just dropped the phone in my bed & went right back to sleep.
I didn't wake up until 2 this afternoon. I didn't call my sister-in-law or brother right away as I was really feeling groggy. So i thought I would have a coffee first and check my email. I got another shock when i opened my email to find my ex husband had emailed to say that our eldest daughter M*******, the one I had just had the falling out with, had just been admitted into hospital for her mental health issues. OMG,... I felt sooooooo guilty. I know if I had never asked her for the car repair money or wrote her that email saying I was disappointed that she felt I hadn't put much effort into our relationship (and then detailed dozens of reasons why I HAD put her first over a lot of other things) then she probably wouldn't have gotten to the stage of needing to go into hospital. This really did push me over the edge. I felt horrible and guilty. I just broke down and cried. I just can't help thinking that I ruin peoples lives. If you have anything to do with me then eventually I will ruin your life,....
I called my ex but it was his answering machine. (No doubt he's having a field day blaming me for all of this) so i called the hospital directly and after a lot of line-directing I finally got through to M******* and asked if I could come to see her tomorrow. She said that would be okay. She sounded so,... small. So quiet and scared. It broke my heart.
But I have to be honest. I'm not coping with any of this at all well. My first urge was to take an overdose of medication so I could sleep for a week and not have to deal with all this. I'm so over-whelmed right now. My anxiety level is through the roof. I can't stop crying. I feel terribly guilty.
But I won't take anything. Because I know that tomorrow I have to drive back into Newmarket (where I was yesterday for the bridal shower) 2 hours there and 2 hours back. I know I have to appear strong for M*******. But inside,... I'm falling apart.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

finally,... this day is overwith

Well, my day went about as well as I thought it was going to. I could tell just by the awful sadness and depression I was feeling that it was going to be difficult to make it through.
I drove to Newmarket (Ont.) and went to my Aunts first to help her bring stuff to the shower. I haven't seen this Aunt in a while and I should have been thrilled to see her as we are very close. But I just couldn't muster up the energy. I don't think she actually noticed as she was running around trying to get all the food packed in our 2 cars to take to the shower. (It was her daughters shower - my cousin).
Honestly I really did try my best. I pasted on that oh-so-phony smile and greeted a whole bunch of people I don't know (Can you say anxiety???) and some I did. Luckily for me, women in general are talkative creatures so my silence didn't seem to even be noticed above all the chatter going on around me.
I did enjoy seeing my cousin and I was really happy for her. But as I said, I just couldn't find any emotion today above flat. If I wasn't driving so damn far I would have downed a couple of cocktails. But, medication AND alcohol was probably not the best idea so I stuck to the soft stuff.
Normally I would have stuck around to the very end but before the first hour was even up I found myself fighting back tears. My cousin looked so happy,... My Aunt looked so happy,.... all those damn happy lives,... I think I was just so envious. I don't mean I was jealous of them. Because i wasn't. Both of them work really hard and they deserve a happy life. I think it more that I felt it was "in my face". Look,.. look how happy other people are. Why can't you be happy? Why do you have to be so damn miserable all the time? I just felt like sobbing.
On the way home I did cry. I just couldn't hold it in. I cried for my sorry state of a life that I don't think I will ever be happy in. Too many money problems. Too many mental health issues. And then of course theres also the fact that my eldest daughter has now "ousted" me from her life. I mean,... I don't have many people in my life to begin with. My Aunt,... cousin,.... and my two daughters,... and sometimes my brother and his wife (when they're feeling up to dealing with me). And now I've lost one. That just hurt so much. So i think I'm just being overwhelmed with all the sadness and depression and loss.
Oh hell,... I think I have moaned on enough tonight. I think I'm going to take a double dose of seroquel with a smidgen of red wine and maybe even a sprinkle of lorazapam. My illness is screaming at me to escape my mind by self-medicating. And even though normally I don't give in to these urges, tonight I am saying to hell with it. I might even have a beer on top of it all.
Please let tomorrow be brighter,....