Friday, October 8, 2021

 Today has been the worst day yet. 

DON'T want to be here

Just feel totally hollow


M******* was suppose to come and pick me up and drive me back to Barrie today for Thanksgiving. But that is a 6 - 8 hour round trip and I just can't let her do that. WAY too much driving just so I can have dinner there. I feel like such a burden. If I need anything,... I have to put others out. I can't do anything for myself so I have to rely on the good nature of others to help. It makes me feel like a FUCKING BURDEN!

For me to live - I have to rely on others. I can't accept that. I have some pride. 

I need kitty litter. I can't get it myself. I don't have a car. So now I have to phone someone and ask for their help. To the point where all I feel like I do is ask people for help. I am a MOOCH. I am THAT person now. The one who only phones when they need something. 

I am a burden!!!!!

THAT is why I have cut everyone out of my life now. Because I would rather have people think of me as a bitch who ignored them ~ than be THAT person who is the mooch. I'd rather be alone than have people think of me as the mooch.

So good-bye Michelle,... Hayley,.... and anyone else in my life who USED to be in it. You have all been banished to a life where you no longer have to deal with my "issues" anymore. You have all been set free,...

And as usual,.... I am left alone to cope and struggle alone as I always have.

But at least I will fail alone and not bring anoyne down with me,

I hate you world. I hate what you have done to me. I hate how I am nothing but a loser and a mooch.


Tuesday, October 5, 2021

I can feel myself giving up,... again,....

Today has been a bad day. It's damp and foggy outside. My body is in pain. I can barely walk. I have spent most of the day stoned playing my computer game. It's a sad life. I bought mushrooms yesterday. "Golden teacher". I've never done mushrooms before. I have been reading up on them so I am not going into this impulsively. Marijanna is good. But I have developed a tolerance for it now. I barely get high anymore and it's not helping the pain like it used to. I need something more.

I just don't want to be sober anymore. It's too sad. Every day I wake up to the same nothingness. Theres nothing to look forward to. Just more hours to try and fill. More things to find to distract your mind. But it's not working. It's not enough. I need more. 

I just want to float inside my head with nothing but nothingness. Life is just too hard now. I can't escape it physically,... So I guess I have to escape it mentally.  The beauty of it is, I don't even care if I die. That would just be an added bonus. My real plan of course is to get my hands on some fentanyl and take a fatal hot shot. Quick. But where does one find this drug? I live in a small town. I know it's here somewhere but I'm not in that culture so I wouldn't know where to start looking. But I will figure it out. If I have to hang around the worst apartment complex in town I will,... If I have to hitch a ride into Guelph and find it there,... I will. I am determined. I WILL find some. (and feel free to help me if you can,...)

But in the meantime,... I am just not willing to endure this world sober anymore. It's just too damn sad. So everyday I vape,... smoke,... bong,... dab,... whatever I can get my hands on. Whatever and however much I can take,.... I just need to always remain high.

Friday, October 1, 2021

 I've made a decision tonight,....

I am no longer helping myself. I am no longer accepting any help from anyone . Not the food bank. Not transportation. No one. If I can't do it for myself,... buy it for myself,... then I won't have it.

I'm done being fucking humiliated going cap in hand to others just to live. So I am no longer going to do it. If I can't afford it,... I don't buy it. (Food) If I can't walk there. I don't go. No more phoning volunteers just to get a god damn ride to appointments. No more going to the food bank to see what I am allowed to eat that month. (By the way,... you don't even get a months wortth of food) No more going to ANY medical appointments. If I can't walk there. I don't go anymore. I'm not asking one more person to help me.

I am NOBODY's fucking burden. If I can't live independently without help. Then I guess I just starve to death.

And I have been told I cannot die. Well,... nice of you to forbid me this while you all sit in your ivory cages. FINE! You won't let me die. Then I do NOTHING to help myself live.

NO MORE BLOOD PRESSURE medication. No more doctors appointments. No more tests. No more drugs. No more nothing. I will do NOTHING to lift a finger to help myself live another fucking minute in this life I hate. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. So the quickest way to die is to just get so sick and frail and hungry that you perish. And therefore that is exactly what I plan to do.

No more help.

This world thinks I'm good enough to throw away for $1,169.00 a month? That I don't matter? That I don't deserve to be independent? That just because I am SICK then I'm not important enough? Then don't expect me to hang around in this prison you have made me. I'd rather starve to death than let my care be reliant on the generosity of others. If I can't care for myself? Then I just don't get care at all,.... Until I die.

And because of this,... I have cut every single person out of my life. Why? Because I am going down. And I'd rather do it alone with no one watching. I have cut out Michelle and Hayley. Everyone! Because I do have some pride. No one is going to watch me disintigrate into a nothing that society threw away. Like always,... I will do it alone.

Thursday, September 30, 2021

How did I get here?

 I'm trying. But,... life just isn't fun. I exist. I don't live. I exist.

The money that **** gave me is running out. I have been stock piling things. Toilet paper,... kleenix,... shampoo,... soap,.... everything I will need in the future but will no longer be able to afford now that I am on ODSP. I am striving to have a stockpile of 5 of everything. That way I know I have a few years to coast until everything is gone And when that happens? I don't know. 

I have been trying to live on the allotted $1,169.00 a month. But I can't. It's not possible. When I lost my spousal support,... my friend **** drove down from Wasaga beach during a lockdown to give me $10,000.00. An EXTREMELY generous gift. Her and her husband wanted me to have my rent paid for one year so I could ease my way into this new ODSP hell. Not wanting to affect my ODSP she had to give me cash under the table. With this money,... I put $100 each in individual envelopes and labelled them a different week. I wanted to have $100 a week to spend on groceries and things I needed. But of course, life got hard really, really quickly. I was dipping into those envelopes at an alarming rate. What had originally expanded well into the new year of 2022,... has now dwindled down to less than half. I am well stocked up,... but,... it has definitely shown me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on what I should only have. IT CANNOT BE DONE. Without ****'s generous gift of that $10,000 I would already be starving.

**** you are an angel. You say you wanted to help like it was no big deal. But the gift of that money SAVED MY LIFE and SAVED ME FROM BEING EVICTED. You will never know just how grateful I am. 

But to be honest,... It has just slowed down the inevitable. What happens when this money runs out and I have nothing.

What happens then?

I am scared. I am terrified. Because I know I will not have enough to eat and cloth myself and be able to survive. Who says modern day Canada is a privilege to live in? Because from where I sit,.... I feel like I have been thrown away. 

I am no longer useful to society being disabled and unable to work so I got thrown away. Disposable. No longer wanted or needed. And very few cared. It really did show me how little this society cares about others. As long as YOU get what you need in life,... to hell with others. 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to be alive anymore. I want to leave this life. Theres nothing left here for me anymore. I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting my hands on some fentanyl. One quick hot shot and \it could all be over. You know your ready when that sentence only leaves you feeling relieved. I am so ready to leave this unfair and unjust world. I just have to find the courage and the fentanyl.

Saturday, September 25, 2021

 I woke up sad this morning. I feel empty. I didn't wake up until noon. No reason to get up anymore. I try and waste my time by sleeping.

But now I am awake. Sad. hurt. And feeling empty.

I hate my life and just want to die in my sleep

Friday, September 24, 2021

 I'm so mad,....

This one IS for the ‘friend’ who got so uptight and mad about my comment I made on Facebook.

I said,… “The middle class have no idea how much easier they have it than the poor,…” Wow,… did I get messaged back with a “I didn’t like that comment,… **** and * work very hard for what we have,…. blah,…blah,…fucking blah,…”

Obviously she didn’t even stop to actually read and process what I wrote. I wasn’t even talking about her. I was talking about,….

And now for my last final rant because I am seriously done.

I have been trying over the past few months to get things. Just random things,…. Amazon Prime. Sign up through ROKU and everything is hunky dory until the month end. They cancelled my subscription because I need a credit card to pay for it. (Being told NO) I called customer service and told them I have a $200 Amazon gift card and I will pay for a two year subscription with it – NO,… YOU NEED A CREDIT CARD. So NO Amazon Prime. Do you know you can’t even sign up for Itunes without a credit card? EVERYTHING you do now needs a credit card.

Obviously I don’t have one. I’m poor. I live in fucking poverty.

Tonight I go to Walmart and try and see about a new cheaper phone service. I wait the standard half hour while the ONE person deals with other customers. Finally he gets to me. We talk and pick a new phone and plan that will be cheaper and have more data, etc,… AND I would get $350.00 in Walmart gift cards. I wait forever while he sets me up. Um,… do you have a credit card? here we go,…. No. So he decides he can accept my drivers license and my social insurance number (which I’m sure is illegal to ask for as id) and he seems happy. uh oh,… your drivers license expired 18 DAYS AGO. So we can’t accept it. Well you can imagine my reaction to that. I pled with him. I ask to talk to a supervisor (none on site) nothing. And now,… madder than hell,… I have to WALK back home.

I walked away with no phone. AND ~ not able to get one anywhere. Ever. I am so mad I could spit. This isn’t the first or the second or even the third time I have been told NO you can’t have it ~ all because I don’t have a credit card or drivers license. I can’t sign up with the ride-well transportation service which is geared to low-income people because I don’t have a credit card.

I’m so fed up. I have given up EVERYTHING. Soccer. Ancestry,… everything I enjoyed. I have nothing left. And everywhere I go now I am being told NO ~ You can’t have that.

All because your so fucking poor you don’t even have a credit card or a drivers license (can’t afford to renew and why should I? I don’t drive anymore) This world is so unfair to people in poverty. We do not get the advantages that the middle class get. Driving,…. disposable income,…. hobbies,… holidays,.. CREDIT CARDS. Everything is easily accessible for most of the middle class. But if your poor,… you don’t get to have anything. If this doesn’t make me feel singled out and punished I don’t know what does.

I feel like a low life piece of shit who has to rely on everything I get or do from someone else.

My food ~ the food bank

transportation ~ volunteers

shopping ~ WALK even in winter even when I’m in severe pain. I walk.

My life is fucking hard. And for her to compare her life to mine is laughable. She goes on holidays worth more than I get a month. She has no concept of no groceries in your apartment. She has no concept of needing to go to hospital in the middle of the night but don’t have a car so have to phone an ambulance. I now have four $45.00 bills I can’t pay and creditors after me for it.

Why am I still here? Why? Can anyone give me one good reason to stick around. Cuz aside from Michelle who will be heartbroken but will get over it,… (and I only see 3 or 4 times a year anyway,…) I have nothing to live for. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No money to go there. No car to get there. Just sit in my apartment day after day after fucking day. I can’t do it. It’s not a life. It’s a bloody existence and a hard one at that. Why should I continue this struggle? It’s been 21 years of nothing but struggle. And now on ODSP it’s gotten incredibly worse. Every month I lose something else I can’t pay for.

My life is now empty. Completely empty. What is my purpose? I don’t have one. I’m just wasting air

And so,... this is it for me. Nothing but a life of struggle and poverty.

 I am depressed. Actually,... I don't know if it's actual depression or if it's my situation. I just know I am not getting by on this ODSP $1,169.00 a month. Living on that amount is impossible. And more to the  point,... why should I? I didn't ask to be disabled. I didn't ask for Fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to be mentally ill. But because of these things no one wants me and I was thrown away.

Just the thought that no one seems to want me and I was thrown away to the wolves to fend for myself is enough to depress anyone.

But now add that for the rest of my life I have to live in poverty. POVERTY. And why? What did I do that was so terrible in this life that for the past 20 years I have done nothing but struggle. When do I get to rest. When do I get to enjoy? I don't. This is it for me. Poverty and depression.

I don't think I'm going to be hanging around for a whole lot longer.

There is zero JOY.  Just struggle and depression. 

Saturday, September 11, 2021

I've limped home

 I feel like I have limped back over here with my tail between my legs. I am defeated.

Just let me come back home here and cry for a while.

My heart is broken. Too sad to write.

But I'm coming back here.

I always come back here when I need to hide from the world.

And right now,... I am broken and need to curl up in my home and heal for a bit. I need to hide and lick my wounds.

But I will be back to write.

Thursday, April 22, 2021

I feel like I've been to hell and back

I can't write this on my other blog,...

I finally got through to legal aid. I am fucked. My ex IS going to win and my spousal support payments ARE going to end.

I do not want to be here anymore.

I am finished with this life. I've been struggling for over 20 years and nothing has changed. In fact,  now it is going to get WORSE!!

I want to end it. I don't know how but I want to end it. 

I no longer want to be alive. I refuse to beg just to exist. 

Friday, February 5, 2021

Continuing on,....

 I am back to this blog for good. The other one (Coffee Confessions) is being left on private so no one can get into it anymore and I will be continuing to blog on here.

You know when a writer writes,... they are baring their sole. What I write in my blogs is very personal and private. My blog is meant as a forum to purge all the shit in my head. After I have written,... I usually feel much better. It's therapy for me. In the beginning no one was ever suppose to see any of my writing. It was just a place to get all my thoughts and emotions out. But over the years,... people have found and read it. When someone reads my private thoughts,... it's like standing outside in a crowd naked. I have no protection from the people and their opinions. I am totally open for all to see.

And now,... the people here in my building have found this blog. And as you know they left a nasty message. I guess they didn't realize that their email and IP address is available for me to see so I have since proven it was this Tonya down the hall and her 'posse'. This is very upsetting to me. They have read my deepest thoughts. And they have made fun of them. Something has been taken away from me now. Whenever I see them I will know that they know EVERYTHING about me. My mental health,... everything,.... and they always remind me when I walk by. They mutter quotes  I have written to me as and laugh as I walk by. It has upset me to my core. My blog was the only thing I had that was MINE and mine alone. Now it is not. So that is why I am back here. Hoping no one from my friends or family has this website. I will be back to ANONYMOUS again. I can write freely and truthfully once again. 

And we are right back to the same old shit in the this new year. The weather has been bad lately. Canadian winters can be hard on us folk who don't drive. I have to walk to get my groceries and when the snow is heavy, I cannot pull my cart through it so I have to wait until the bad weather subsides to go and get supplies. I finally went out yesterday. It had been about 3 weeks since I left my apartment. My fridge is bare. My pantry is bare. I am living on the basic necessities now. No meat. Hardly any fruit or veg. Just cheap box and can food. (Beans, chili, spaghetti, Kraft dinner,....) My friend B***y picked me up and took me to go grocery shopping. I spent $96.00 and barely got anything I needed. Times are getting tougher and tougher. Food is getting so expensive.

And I went to pick up my medication but again I didn't have enough money. So I had to leave it there. Great,... another two weeks of no medication. I know the drill. Go off meds,... go into crisis,... roller coaster life. I hate it. But I just don't have the money. I may have to stop taking meds altogether. It may be better to not take any at all rather than taking them,... then not taking them,... then taking them and not,.... It's very hard on my body.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist this week. It was a phone appointemnt due to the pandemic. After an hour and a half of talking,.... he feels I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) with Bipolar 2. As well as depression, anxiety, and OCD. This now means he is going to give me NEW medication. And it will begin all over again. A doctor who doesn't even know me diagnoses me after talking for less than two hours,.... changes all my meds,... takes a couple months to start taking affect only to discover it doesn't work as well as they had hoped. And I have to start the process all over again.  Story of my life.  

So I am not happy. I am still not talking to anyone. I am terrified to let anyone ever get close to me again because I just cannot take one more rejection from someone I love. So I stay here in my prison - wondering why I have to endure such a difficult life. I must have been a serial killer in a past life and this is Karma. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

 Well I won't be able to write this one on my other blog so here goes truth,...

I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to end my life. But I don't know how. I have tried and failed in the past and this one CANNOT BE A FAIL ~ It has to be my end.

I've been having trouble with people in my building. That's no secret. I've been writing how frustrated they have made me over the past year. Well it seems when I told a neighbour to put on her mask,.... for the millionth time so I can walk by her she didn't. So I said "Fine, It's an $880.00 ~ just saying". Well an hour later the police are here. I was 'name-calling'    O M FUCKING God! You have got to be kidding me. She called the police over name calling??????? 

So, It would seem that these neighbours have declared war on me. 

I have to live here. I hate it here now. But there is no where else to go. I am on the bottom rung of the ladder. I am stuck here. And I cannot even afford HERE so the next rung is homeless. 

I HATE MY LIFE AND I WANT TO DIE! If anyone out there can help me with that,.... please get in touch,.... because I just really need to be gone.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

Jacquie,... Jake,... and Mathilda,...

Before I start getting into this,.... I cannot express enough that I DO NOT HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES!!! I say this because even though I have never told anyone about this, I did tell a psychiatrist in one of the psychiatric hospitals I had been in, and he diagnosed me with Dissociative identity disorder. I didn't know what that was and I had to look it up.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. The disorder is accompanied by memory gaps beyond what would be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. Dissociative disorders involve experiencing a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions and identity. People with dissociative disorders escape reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy and cause problems with functioning in everyday life. Dissociative disorders usually develop as a reaction to trauma and help keep difficult memories at bay. Symptoms — ranging from amnesia to alternate identities — depend in part on the type of dissociative disorder you have. Times of stress can temporarily worsen symptoms, making them more obvious.

Hmmmmm,... I do not think that this is me at all. But,....

My name is "Jacquie". But I have two other 'alter egos'. (How to explain this without sounding crazy,...) I tend to morph into what ever 'ego' I need for any particular situation. These are NOT 3 distinct personalities,... They are 3 facets of my one personality,.... Jacquie. And I am aware of all 3 at all times. I don't compartmentalize these egos. They all know about each other. It's just that one will be dominant and they end up in control.

Jacquie is the largest one. She has been running the show the most. She is average. She just wants to live her life peacefully. She is a bit of a hippy. Peace and love all the way. She is fair. Stable. Plain. And kind. And loves to help people. She has a special bond with animals and loves her pets. She is the one that most people meet.

Then there's 'Mathilda' - I once had a blog all about her named "Waltzing with Mathilda" but have since lost it somewhere. Mathilda is mentally ill. Her life is a train wreck. She is always unwell mentally. Mathilda goes through life holding on by the skin of her teeth. She disassociates all the time. She is the one that is self-destructive. She is a cutter. When Mathilda is running things I always end up with new cuts. I tend to revert back to her when I can't cope with life. Mathilda is agoraphobic and does not leave the apartment. She is delicate and fragile. She breaks easily.

And finally there is "Jake" - Jake is hard. And tough. She takes no crap from anyone. She is volatile and destructive. Jake is the one who causes me to get into so much trouble. Jake is a fighter. She is the one who keeps me going. She refuses to quit. She is bitter and resentful of her life and generally is miserable. No one wants to antagonize Jake. She can and will explode!!!

And the three of them makes up one "me"

I just re-read all this and I can see how it's going to look absolutely crazy to people. Maybe I have explained it wrong. It's quite complicated. Does anyone else have alter ego's? (besides Beyoncé as Sasha Fierce or Eminem with Slim Shady? I don't think this is the same thing as them though)

I don't even know what else to say about it. I think I just had to FINALLY get it out into the open. To write it down. I've been hiding it my whole life. And now that it's out there,.... I feel nervous. I'm not sure I really want anyone else to know about it. I know they won't understand properly. But I just felt compelled to get it off my chest. And now I have,...