I've made a decision tonight,....
I am no longer helping myself. I am no longer accepting any help from anyone . Not the food bank. Not transportation. No one. If I can't do it for myself,... buy it for myself,... then I won't have it.
I'm done being fucking humiliated going cap in hand to others just to live. So I am no longer going to do it. If I can't afford it,... I don't buy it. (Food) If I can't walk there. I don't go. No more phoning volunteers just to get a god damn ride to appointments. No more going to the food bank to see what I am allowed to eat that month. (By the way,... you don't even get a months wortth of food) No more going to ANY medical appointments. If I can't walk there. I don't go anymore. I'm not asking one more person to help me.
I am NOBODY's fucking burden. If I can't live independently without help. Then I guess I just starve to death.
And I have been told I cannot die. Well,... nice of you to forbid me this while you all sit in your ivory cages. FINE! You won't let me die. Then I do NOTHING to help myself live.
NO MORE BLOOD PRESSURE medication. No more doctors appointments. No more tests. No more drugs. No more nothing. I will do NOTHING to lift a finger to help myself live another fucking minute in this life I hate. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. So the quickest way to die is to just get so sick and frail and hungry that you perish. And therefore that is exactly what I plan to do.
No more help.
This world thinks I'm good enough to throw away for $1,169.00 a month? That I don't matter? That I don't deserve to be independent? That just because I am SICK then I'm not important enough? Then don't expect me to hang around in this prison you have made me. I'd rather starve to death than let my care be reliant on the generosity of others. If I can't care for myself? Then I just don't get care at all,.... Until I die.
And because of this,... I have cut every single person out of my life. Why? Because I am going down. And I'd rather do it alone with no one watching. I have cut out Michelle and Hayley. Everyone! Because I do have some pride. No one is going to watch me disintigrate into a nothing that society threw away. Like always,... I will do it alone.