I'm so done

I just heard from Superior Propane. A huge national company scammed me.

I can't fight a huge corporation

They want over $560 PLUS a bill when they come to remove my tank

So fuck off world this is the last straw

I am ending my life

Superior propane 

I hope this 'being right' was worth it because I can't take one more scam,... con,.... 

I am done

If i am dead NOONE can con me again

FUCK YOU SUPERIOR PROPANE Some people just don't have the money and can't be bothered being chased by debt collectors for the restr of my life.

YOU WIN ~ I DIE
Fuck this world

Happy Birthday to a daughter who hates me but I love her more than life itself

 October 19th 1994

This is the day my youngest daughter was born.

But she doesn't like me

I apologize ~ she ignores like I didn't even say anything

I don't even exist to my children. 

I am a monster

I can't live without my children

or knowing my family thinks I'm a monster

It's time to just go away,....

go away,....

go away,....

and thanks to our horrible health care system? I won't even need to do it myself. My blood pressure tells me I will be dead in 6 months anyway

I go to my grave a monster my children couldn't stand to even look at

I just want to die now

I am so frustrated right now. It is Monday morning. I have had a nice weekend. Infact, the weekends are the only time I am happy. And that is because on the weekend I have my cousin Brian. For companionship, (I am so fucking bored trapped inside that tiny, tiny RV!), for help getting laundry and other stuff done I have no way of doing on my own. Two days of relief from severe boredom and frustration. But now it is Monday morning again. A whole week ahead of me of nothing to do,... nothing to do,.... nothing to do,...

My blood pressure is up and down. Never good. Sometimes its only regular high but often it is dangerously high

I should be calling 911

I will not

Because health care is just too hard to get in Canada without a family doctor. I give up climbing mountains just for a 'you can only discuss one issue' visit with a nurse practioner. NO DOCTOR!!! Just bandaid care. well you can take your fucking bandaid care and shove it up your fucking ass. I'm tired and can't climb your fucking mountains to get help,.... so I give up.

I am fed up of being invisable to this country and to the world

I would rather die of a heart attack

I hate my life and I really just want to die

Sitting in a tiny 200 square foot tin can with nothing to do but watch tv is mind numbing. I am not living,.... I am just breathing.

My anxiety is out of control. I sit here feeling like I am going to have a panic attack all the time. My stomach is in knots,... my nerves are on fire,.. everything bothers me.

I just need to die!!!!!

What happened to Canada that left me invisable

I am waiting for my Walmart grocery order to be delivered. I have no car. I have always had to rely on delivery for food since I lost my car. But this is where being poor is so expensive. If I had a car I would have paid $156.00 total. But because I am poor and don't have a car, I had to pay a lot extra 

    *******************

$1.00 bag fee

$3.51 additional fee (doesn't even tell you what it's for!)

$8.97 delvery fee from store

$8.65 driver tip

$5.00 (cash) for driver at door

$27.13 Total ~ just because I don't have a car and needed delivery

    *********************************

He just arrived and dropped everything off. The delivery guy was very nice and helpful which is why I gave him a five dollar bill in cash. I don't know if Walmart actually gives the drivers their tips so if they are good deliveries I give them cash too. Afterall, they are just trying to earn a living too.

So if your poor and have no transportation your groceries will cost you $27.13 more. 

My laundry has gone up from $2.50 a load to $11.00 or up to $20 a load.

Groceries here are much more expensive than I ever anticipated. Whether this is the same all across Canada right now due to the tariffs and bad economy, or just here on the island, I don't know. But suddenly groceries have become a luxury for me. In that $156 of my MONTHLY shop, I still don't have enough to eat for a month. I will be living off of milk and cereal and hamburgers. Like I have for the past 3 or 4 years. 

Now that I have bought everything for the month on my budget, I can see I am in trouble. I went $400 in the hole last month due to unexpected costs. And we are only half way through October and I am already over $300 in the hole. This is telling me that the cost of living here is more than I can afford. 

I am going into the red every month by hundreds of dollars. At this rate I will be deeply in debt by the time I turn 65 and get my benefits to top me up to a livable monthly wage.

Canada has priced me right out of living!!!!

And with Superior propane scamming $600 more dollars which they are extorting me now. They are refusing to come and pick up their tank. It sits right infront of my RV. My cousin asked them not to put it there when they delivered it as my RV couldn't get out if there was a fire. They refused to put it anywhere else but exactly infront of my RV. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! If you don't pay they extort you,....

Pay or you can't move your RV or get propane from someone else. Now I have no heat or hot water once this tank runs out,...

It's like the world thinks I'm on this planet to be scammed,... conned,... bullied,...

I just can't take it anymore. WAY too much to deal with right now and I am not doing well. Pain,... money problems,.... can't find health care,... no car,... isloated in a tin can everyday going out of my mind with boredom. This is not living,....

Goint to Vancouver Whitecaps games is living,...

Getting to drive around and see the Island and all it's beauty is living,...

Having my daughters in my life and my grandchild is living,...

Being able to go where you want when you want and to afford it is living,...

But this???? This being completely isolated inside all day is NOT LIVING. It is surviving,.... it is not even existing, it is surviving. And surviving is fucking exhausting right now.

I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I am so numb inside that I can't even feel anymore. FROZEN

What the fuck happened to Canada that I am fucking invisable 

Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable

I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care