FIFA is coming!

 It's yet another frosty day here in Ontario. I am starting to think this snow and cold is never going away. Longest winter ever,...

The kittens had me up at four o'clock again this morning. It doesn't bother me. I have no set hours or schedule. I sleep when I'm tired. I just made my coffee and turned on the tv to start my day. 

Youtube is a funny thing where you don't plan on watching anything, your topic sort of pics itself. Anyone who watches YT knows that you can go down a rabbit hole on one topic so easily. You don't plan what that topic is - the algorithum does. 

This morning turned out to be a day of football. As anyone knows I am a hige footy fan. I follow multiple teams on multiple leagues. Over the years, football has kept me sane. And 2026 is a big year as FIFA has rolled around once again. The tournament doesn't start until June, but I already know all I need to know before it gets here. And Youtube is a wealthy resource for finding out about anything FIFA.

It's going to be interesting this year as it will be played in both Toronto (where I live) and Vancouver - where I will be vacationing while it's on. If I wasn't poor, I could actually go to a game!! One in each city! What a life-long dream that is. But, as usual for world events the cost is so high that most middleclass folk can't afford it. But if I am in BC while it is on, then the sports bars will have tons of stuff playing. I will be able to find a game almost anywhere. I won't be there at BC Place,... but I will be in a bar close by able to absorb all the crazy atmosphere. My cousins are not soccer fans. But they might be by the time I leave. (or sick of it)

This weekend is also the season opener for the MLS. I have given up on Toronto FC. But I have been following Miami. One of my Manchester United idols owns Inter Miami and I have organically moved over there just with my interested in how this is going for him. I of course speak of David Beckham. And in following his career, I have grown a soft spot for Miami. So, maybe time to buy pink shirts instead of Torontos red?? The good news is that Apple has cancelled their (expensive - seperate) MLS app and is now just incorporating the games into the regular Apple tv subscription, which is much cheaper and I already have it. So I will be able to watch MLS games again this year.

My life is so boring and empty. Football gives me something to look forward to. Right now I am hitting the gold spot of football. We are still finishing up the Premier League (Manchester United) with MLS just starting. And FIFA is just around the corner.

Now,... I have something I love to look forward to. 

 

 

I want the 1970's back

I am a baby boomer. Born in 1963. I look back with nothing but fondness when I remember my 1970's childhood. I loved the serene 'no internet ~ no devices' era. And as I grow older, I am becoming more and more disillusioned with this modern world.

My rant all started because I received an email from Tiktok saying someone had tried to log into my account. Normally these are scammers but looking at the email it came from and then googling it,... I realized it was real. 

But I deleted my Tiktok account? How could it be around for someone to try and log into? And that is when I learned ~ after hours on the internet investigating ~ that Tiktok does not delete accounts. And you just have to google this to see thousands of people upset that they can't delete their account. The email told me to log in and check my security. But I deleted my account,.... didn't I? No,... apparently if you delete your account it doesn't go away. The minute you click on the Tiktok icon your profile immediately pops up and says "welcome back to Tiktok please sign in" and your profile is still there to sign in to,... I deleted that account 7 times yesterday but each time it re-opens immediately.

Tiktok is playing games. And this got me upset at how much the internet 'owns' you. A lesson learned,... if you open an account on any platform - it NEVER really goes away. I don't like that. 

And then, on top of that, I decided to look into buying a printer. I just need it to print out this blog so I can delete the account (but will it really go away?) so I don't have to worry about the "Tonya's" reading it. But that opened another can of worms ~ subscriptions. I discovered thorugh Youtube videos that if you buy a printer it will work for 6 months during the 'free trial' of ink. But the minute you try and print something after that trial runs out? The printer will not work. It will just spit out one piece of paper asking you to choose which subscription you want for your ink,... WTF? They force you to buy a subscription. You CAN buy the ink physically at four times the cost,.... extortion plain and simple.

Then I started seeing other videos about subscription fatigue and watched a few. I was shocked at the audacity of companies stealing peoples money through subscriptions. The worst I saw that day? If you buy a car with automatic seat warmers ~ you have to PAY A SUBSCRIPTION to use them,.... again,... wtf?

And there seems to be this overwhelming trend of buy a tangible material product ` but it needs a subscrioption to use. And they are doing it for everything now. I already pay a lot of money on subscriptions a month. Too much,... mostly streaming sites as my life is only about watching tv sadly so I need a lot of streaming sites not to get bored. 

Because you have to buy multiple sites to get what you want it all starts to add up. And after realizing this,... i have come to a conclusion. I am slowly weaning myself out of society. Cutting the tether of the internet and social media. I want to end up self-sufficient with no subscriptions except for tv watching.

I will NEVER buy anything that requires an internet connection to use. I am going back to basics. If it doesn't plug in ~ I don't buy it. The internet can be turned off in an instant and with it most people world goes silent. I want to be able to live like the 1970's. You buy somoething - it works for years without needing a subscription. I then went into my budget and widdled my subscriptions down to a much easier load to handle.

No more music subscription - I now just watch music videos on Youtube which I already pay for. (I actually gave all my CD's to TONYA! Wish I hadn't done that now)

I don't like how this new tech world grabs everything they can about you to use later,... and once they have it - they have it - no such word as delete in this society.

Another reason I am doing this is all the scamming out there. I just don't feel safe on the internet anymore. With AI ~ I don't know what is real and what is fake anymore and that is a confusing world to live in. I feel like the only phone calls I get are scammers and they are getting more and more sophisticated with AI. I don't feel safe buying anything anymore as there is always a risk of scammers interfering and hacking your sale on line.

So I am weaning myself off of the internet. Right now the only thing I use it for is my banking,... my blog,... and a game I play for an hour every morning. I deleted all my social media accounts (as best I can as I discovered they really dont let you). 

We live in a world full of fatigue. Subscription fatigue,... immigration fatigue,... (Canada has practicly given Canada to immigrants while those of us born and raised here go hungry and homeless),... AI fatigue,.... scamming fatigue,... this whole world right now just wears me out trying not to get scammed,.... it's every fucking day someone is trying to get my data and money!!! It's exhausting. 

I want the 1970's back!! But if I can't have that in true form,... then i will just create it.

Bye bye techno world - I am done with you. Back to reading, puzzles, and hiking,... unplugging from the grid and going back to a world where we didn't have to pay every month just to warm our asses with seat warmers that we already paid for through the sale of the vehicle,.... but now hve to pay monthly just to utilize,... 

I live in poverty. I cn't afford to pay a monthly subscription just to keep my printer running. 

I am shifting my life away from civilization and instead cutting the cord and trying to live 'off-grid' as much as I can. 

This world has become a hostile place for me now. I don't understand it,... I don't know how to navigate it,... and I seem to be failing at it. I can honestly say I don't like our world anymore.

I want my 1970's back,..... 

I fucking hate immature little gossips with nothing better to do than ruin lives,.... hate it!!!

I don't think anyone will be using the gazebo today. LONGEST WINTER EVER

I hate waking up in the morning. Because I know I have 16 to 18 hours of time to fill and I have nothing to do but watch tv and clean. I sit there knowing I have to live another day of BOREDOM and being hated. I really just wish I would have a heart attack and die. The monotony of 'nothingness' is getting unbearable.

At least today is game day. Manchester United play at ten this morning so at least I have something to look forward to. Even if it does only take up a few hours of my day. Life really has become all about finding stuff to do to combat the boredom. But with no car or transportation,... the winter becomes a secluded prison sentence hibernating inside my unit unable to go anywhere. With spring just around the corner I am hoping I will be able to get back outside and start living again.

I found something out yesterday. I have an aquaintance here in the building that I talk to every once in awhile. I knew she was gossipy, but not in a overwhelming way like Tonya Halls, but you do have to watch what you say around her. Anyway, yesterday I stepped outside of my unit into the hall to go down and get my mail. There ~ sitting infront of Tonyas door ~ was Marion. At first i started to wave,... but the look on her face stopped me. It was GUILT. Like she had been caught. She didn't wave,... she put her head down in shame and quickly went into Tonyas apartment.

So know I know ~ SHE is my mole. I have closed down all my social media to get Tonya Halls out of my life and yet here she is, using Marion to get info on me still,.... I am so disappointed in Marion. She KNOWS everything Tonya is doing to me and yet she pretended she wasn't friends with her while i talked to her. Now I realize they ARE friends - secretly. WARNIG bells went off instantly. It was the look on her face that said "I've been caught' that told me she is a secretive little gossip. 

And this has been a lesson. Now I don't TRUST ANYONE in this building. I keep my mouth shut and myself to myself. This place is a cesspool of gossips and addicts and alcoholics and mentally ill,... it's a mishmash of people living on the fringes of society. We all have issues and problems. So to have to deal with these immature little gossips is so fucking tiring,... everyday you have to be on alert,... what you say to whom,... it's like living on a playground.

But I have learned. So now all my social media has been deleted except my game account which is ONLY used for a game,.... Tonya no longer has access to my internet life. Becasue there isnt' one anymore ~ BECAUSE of her!!!! I RESENT that I have had to deactivate my social media. i certainly didn't want to. But I felt for my own safety and privacy I had no choice. It has worked - but at what cost? 

I don't understand Tonya Halls. What is the obsession with gossiping about others and making their lives miserable??? I just don't get it!!! WHY does she need to know everything about everyone???? I get so frustrated as I am a private person and just want to be left alone.

So fuck you Marion ~ you fake fucking friend working for Tonya,.... YOU were my mole all along. SO disappointed in you,.....

I absolutely HATE living here. 

Maybe it is just time to leave,....

and we all know that that means,.....

Missing my family

Well even though I am able to go out to the gazebo now ~ the weather turned and I had to stay inside. We have had the longest winter that I can recall in my 62 years on this planet. So much snow,... I am definitely feeling cabin fever and need this winter to end. I am desperate to get outside and start living again.

I had a meltdown yesterday. I was just watching a tv sereies. In this program they had a scene of the whole family coming together for a wedding. Scene after scene of happy faces,... people laughing and hugging and dancing,... everyone enjoying themselves celebrating a family members joyful day. And suddenly I saw my family,... and I was not there. I saw my daughters wedding. And it broke me,... all the things that I have missed suddenly hit me. My daughters proms,... weddings,... births,... all happening without me. 

I don't think anyone can understand the heartache that missing out on family events causes. These are events that only happen once. I can never get back the birth of my granddaughter,... that has passed and I was left out. Even if my daughters and I resumed a relationship once again,.... I would still have missed out on the most important events in my life.

THEY ARE GONE ~ I haven't even seen pictures,.... just events I was not welcome to. The sting of being rejected,... the pain of losing out is unbearable and it has left me broken. I can't even watch tv shows now as everything just reminds me of the life I dont' have. 

And why? Because I am not good enough for this society. I am flawed,... mentally ill,... a monster noone wants around.

And yesterday ~ my body just couldn't take that ache one more day and it broke. I was a sobbing heap on the floor. 

There is no lonlier feeling than not being good enough and told to go away,...

That is something I will never recover from.

And it leaves me wondering what is the point? If I'm just sitting here in Gods waiting room ~ waiting to die while my family enjoys life. 

Rejection is the most painful thing in the world. And I have been rejuected by everyone since the day i was born,....

I am so sad that I just don't want to be here anymore,....

I want my family,... but they don't want me,....

Unbearable

I'm back in the gazebo

I went out to the gazebo yesterday for the first time since Mark attacked me. It's been months. All fall and winter. But with the nice weather soon to arrive I have been feeling claustrophobic from being couped up inside all winter. I have been fighting cabin fever and need to get out. So when I saw the woman who runs Ontario Housing was here, I asked her into my apartment to talk. 

I told her everything

I told her it wasn't fair that Darren got to smoke in his unit which left me with NO smoking area as they have 'banned' me from the gazebo. She was surprized to hear that Darren has permission to smoke in his unit. I told her I thought it was 'two sets of rules' and he wins and every other smoker loses. I pointed out the inconsistency in their decisions. That 'J**y', a parapalegic with only the use of ONE HAND was told NO, even she is not allowed to smoke in her unit and was forced to go outside in all weather as a parapalegic in a wheelchair. Not fair,... but what could she do? YET,.... they allow Darren a 30 year old male who is 100% able bodied ~ to smoke in his unit. The inconsistency was glaring. 

NOBODY KNEW Darren was allowed to smoke in his unit. So she will be looking into it and probobly make him 're-evaluate' his permission. They will probobly make him get a doctors note to prove he is unable to go out to the gazebo as he is too 'disabled' (joke!!). There is nothing physically wrong with Darren Green what-so-ever so I told her it was shocking that he 'conned' them into allowing him to smoke in his unit when even a parapalegic was denied,..... two sets of rules in this building. It's been a major problem for years. 

Anyway, I had run into A****** yesterday and he asked why I am never outside in the gazebo anymore. I told him about Mark. He was furious. He had no idea. And do you know what he did? He stuck up for me!!!! The first person in this building to do that. he said he wasn't afraid of Darren or Mark and he will be having words with them. In the meantime he literally took me himself and we went out to the gazebo for my first time in months. Noone else was out there so nothing happened. But I am very nervous about when Mark and Darren are out there. I will continue to use A***** as my 'body-guard' until they realize I am not going anywhere and they will have to put up with me in the gazebo. Mark lied. he told me everyone hates me that uses the gazebo,... A****** just told me they didn't even know Mark had done that to me. ANOTHER LIAR in this building. 

Living amoungst the personalities in this low-income building has been quite a ride,.... Tonya Halls and Darren Green alone have made my life unbearable. And I told Ontario Housing ALLof it yesterday. I got it all off of my chest and I feel 100% better. To give credit where credit is due,... she listened and is going to send out a memo 'reminding' tenants that everyone is allowed to use the gazebo. This way, Mark will know I have talked with housing and he may will be apt to just leave me alone if he knows housing is behind me. In the end,... all i want is to be left alone and have no drama. I just want to be able to go  out for a joint in the gazebo without having deal with other people.

Darren Green - I called the Humane Society on you three years ago!!!! For God's sake just get over it  and let it go,.... It's ancient history and all your doing is showing us you are obseessed and can't let go. Revenge is you only goal in life,.... take a good long look at yourself in the  mirror Darren. No family - No friends - as youe raged and pissed everyone off with your constant bad mood and fits of rage. 

Now he has one friend left talking to him - Mark. Now that A****** knows,... he is pissed and telling everone about it and how unfair Darren Green and Mark have been to me. FINALLY someone not only see's me,.... but did something about it. 

So the gazebo issue is somewhat solved. I wont know for sure until I am out there when Mark or Darren come out,... that will be the true gage of where things lie. I am hoping everyone will just leave it all alone and we can all move on. But with Darren Green? King of revenge and hatred??? I cross my fingers and hope he is done,.....

I also ~ not intentionally ~ tattled to housing about Darren smoking in his unit which most definitely result in him not being allowed to do that anymore. But really - thats fair! if a parapalegic is told NO - then what the hell is so special about Darrren Green??? housing fucked up with that one. And now they need to remove his priviledge and he will have to come out to the gazebo in all weather ~ just like the rest of us have to do! 

I am not sure what todays weather forecast is,... but I WILL be going outside to the gazebo to smoke. And Darren Green and Mark Rathwell will just have to deal,.....

I am no longer allowing them two or Tonya Halls to ruin my life.

Fuck you,... I pay rent here too,... and I will do as i please,.... if they don't like me in the gazebo then THEY can stay away.

And finally I get to go back outside,...

We are expecting an ice storm today

 Finally! I feel like I have made good choices. When I got my settlement money I knew it wasn't a lot and it wouldn't go as far as I hoped it would go. Putting most of it into a GIC and forcing me to sit on it has been the best choice I could ever have made. It has forced me to really sit down and think about how it can help me in this precarious time.

Governments are not taking care of their people. Our helath care is in crisis ~ I dont' have a family doctor and it has RUINED my life to the point I now just want to hurry up and die because I live my whole life in severe pain!!! The funding for the disabled and poor is WAY TOO LOW and so far below the cost of living folk are choosing to die rather than starve on ODSP or OW. The decline has been happening over that past few years. Some didn't pay attention,... but I did. 

Once you have felt hunger with no food in your pantry or fridge ! you never forget hardship and you learn to plan so it never happens again.

So instead of buying frivolous garbage like furniture and fancy devices,... I instead took care of my end of life needs as I knew my family wouldn't. If I hadn't done this myself - I would have ended up in a paupers grave just like my Grandma Ida did. Again,... taking care of myself.

I'm planning my first vacation in 25 years. Booked and paid for already. Now I am hearing that air fares will be sky rocketing in price due to the war and the cost of fuel. I AM ALREADY BOOKED AND PAID! If I had waited to book it could have cost so much I wouldnt' have felt it cost effective and probobly wouldn't have gone. But now - I don't have to worry. Just enjoy it when it comes June 30th. 

But the biggest thing I have been doing is preparing for war and the loss of supplies in the future. I stocked up. I have a years supply of toilettries and about two months of food (which I will be adding to over the next few months) I am now buying powdered versions (milk, bouillon,...) so if I can't get out to get fresh I will have powdered for back up. My whole struggle in life is NOT being able to access  basic needs. So this has helped me. Instead of panicing over when I can finally get out to get all this stuff ~ it is done.

All of this with the new generator has me feeling relaxed. I haven't felt safe and relaxed in a very, very long time. 

And today the ice storm is coming,.... so I sit back and smile. While others will end up sitting in the cold and dark - I will have power to run the heater and the kettle and coffee maker and most importantly for me - the tv so I dont' get bored. 

Roll on ice storm!! I am ready for you!

For once I am prepared

Another night of not being able to stay asleep. It has become a pattern now. Go to bed early. Anywhere between 8 and 10:00pm. I used to be a night owl all of my life going to bed quite late. But lately, I am so bored and in so much pain, I go to bed early just for the escape. Life is bearable when your asleep. It's only when I'm awake I am miserable. I woke up at 3:30am and I have been up ever since. My world no longer has a concept of time. I rarely go outside my apartment so I live in a cocoon. Theres no need for time in my life,.... nowhere to go,... noone to see,... just 24 hours a day of boredom watching tv and sleeping. 

There is no point to my life anymore. I am just sitting in God's waiting room ~ waiting to die.

I did get out yesterday though. For the first time in awhile. It was suppose to be really warm (although I found out it wasn't) so I decided to walk to Walmart, the dollar store and Freshco. My cupboards have very little in them which is ok normally. I don't eat much anymore. But after watching the news over the weekend seeing the start of the Iranian war, I knew that in the next few weeks there would be changes that would ripple all around the world. I suffered during covid as I couldn't get out to get food. And when I did finally manage to get out to a grocery store ~ everything was gone. There was nothing left that I needed. So when the world starting tilting over the past month,... I started getting nervous. I know that the first thing people in the world notice, is the loss of the supply chain. Deliveries over goods and services get slowed down or stopped all together due to world issues. I'm not saying that I am concerned war will reach Canada and I will have to protect myself as I really dont' believe combat will ever see Canada. I feel safe physically. I am nervous about supply and deliveries causing me to be unable to get what I need. I wanted to stock up before the shelves started dwindling. That is all. I wanted to feel safe if another covid -like situation hit. I would rather be stocked up and never have to use it than not and then something happens where I can't get groceries again. 

So yesterday I was able to get everything I needed. And the stuff i couldn't, I ordered off of Amazon which is arriving today. Once that is delivered, I have about 4 - 6  months of everything I need (except produce and meat and other perishables). I know it seemed silly to panic but once hungry - you never forget. Now,... I feel like I can relax. I have everything I need and then some. THAT makes me feel safe.

My power source (generator) arrived yesterday and I have got it all charged up ready to go. We are actually expecting an ice storm here in Ontario in the next day or two so I got it just in time. We almost always lose power in an ice storm. The power source I got is not a big one. It isn't designed to power a whole cabin or anything. You would need one of the bigger heavy duty ones for that. This one is meant for power outages. Gives me enough power to have the heater running,... to power the kettle or coffee maker. It will even run the tv with a DVD player for 4 hours. People living in Ontario are well aware power outages. We see a few during most winters. I have always wanted a back up power source because of this and now I have one. This too, makes me feel safe. 

So just getting that and stocking up my cupboards has alleviated my anxiety. Now, I can sit back and just chill. If this war makes getting supplies hard in the future ~ it wont effect me. I have everything I need now and for the next few months. 

Anxiety is a horrible thing. So if I can stop it by preparing, I will. Small thing to do for peace.