My life is now 'before' and 'after'

My life is now 'before' and 'after'. Before I learned I was not a liked person and after I learned I was not a liked person. I don't have an exact date or thing that had a defining moment that was the line. It was more over the past year. Things chipping away at me one piece at a time. It was a gradual knowledge. It was coming back from BC - traumatized and needing someone to care - and noone did. (They were furiious instead and to this day I still dont know why???) It was knowing whatever I did to them was bigger to them than my suffering homeless in BC and desperately needing my family. Which leads me to believe it had to be something terrible I did. Or do,... I'm not sure what it is I did ~ or do ~ so I can't talk about that. But I must be a very hard person to like if being homeless doesn't even get them to extend an olive branch.

It was everyone - and in the end finding myself alone because I'm such a bad person. Noone wants to be around me.

THAT was the realization in the end ~ noone wanted to be around me. So I must be bad. I tried to be a good person. I tried to be caring and kind. But people only saw my mental illness instead. And they thought it too severe to want me in their life.

Do you know what that does to a persons soul??? To know you tried - but failed. And your whole life was pointless. And to know that if you choose to remain here and live on,... you will be completely alone. Because noone wants you around? It's painful. It's more than painful. It's unbearable,.... shameful,.... I can't show my face anymore. I'm embarrassed I'm so unliked. But confused as to why so much???

I am so confused right now. How did I get to become so alone and invisable?

So now I live my life in 'after' mode. And it's not a good life. I used to get up in the morning and turn my laptop on with my morning coffee. Go to my social media sites and catch up. But now - I have deactivated all of those sites. So I no longer even bother opening my laptop anymore. Theres nothing to see. Its all gone. I only use it to bank and blog now. I am hidden from the world right now. If you look for me - my sites will be closed up. I have no connection to the outside world right now at all,...

and I just want to die 

I am so sad and humiliated and ashamed that I can never face the world again,....

so why stay? In the end,.... we all know noone will even notice I am gone,....

what a sad soul I am,... I wish I had never been born.

I don't even feel human anymore

 Since I have become a recluse ~ I don't even feel human anymore. I look at others and I envy them. They aren't hated,... disliked,... 

When I went into Service Ontario, my blood pressure was not only through the roof leaving me scared and worried I would have a heart attack or stroke, but I was also full of anxiety. I had not been 'out in the world' for over 2 months. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am too ashamed. When you know people just 'put up with you' to be polite - you tend to feel shame and isolate away where you are safe. I can't bother anyone hiding in my apartment. 

I can't be a terrible Mom if I never see my children,...

I can't be a terrible person to anyone if I never interact with anyone anymore,.... and that is my plan. I have been made to feel so unwanted and so undeserving i have given up.

You won't give me my OHIP back??? Ok,... I guess i'm a monster that doesnt' deserve it,...

You won't let me in your life? Thats ok,... I understand. I'm a monster. I get it.

But I don't want this life. I am so alone my heart literally aches - physically aches for my children that wont let me in,...

I am a monster so I don't deserve OHIP (health care). That women will never know she put a nail in my coffin. That was the last straw. The only way I can move forward is to go and BEG for health care,...

Noone should have to beg for any need,...

I have been told no by so many people in this community that I hav eto believe that i am blacklisted. Whenever they see my name or number they ignore me and leave me to rot,... she is a monster,.... let her rot on her own until she dies knowing she was a horrible,. horrible monster.

HURT HER - she deserves it!!!!

I'm not going to try and even get my health care back. I'm nost going to beg. I already feel like someone who isn't even human anymore. Undeserving of anything. 

I am a monster that deserves to die

and so i will

DIE
DIE
DIE

And then everyone in the world can rejoice. Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!

At this point even I will rejoice as i hate myself so much I can't wait to DIE

Please help me to die

 I am in trouble,.... big trouble. 

I can't get my OHIP

Becasue I'm a mentally ill monster who can't behave

I dont know why I am so hated,....

Maybe horrible people don't understand they are horrible,....

I thought I was a good person

But I am not

I am such a mentally ill monster I can't even get my OHIP fixed

why?

I dont' behave

I am a mentally ill monster that noone even sees anymore

I just need to die

PLEASE someone ~ 

will you help me to die

I will PAY

Just please help me to die

It's time to actively make a plan to die

 I think it's time to die.

 Not to wait until I have a heart attack like this province wants me to,....

 but to actually plan to die 

I am not going to suffer anymore

Ontario just refuses to help me

so now

Its now time to die

hanging?

fentanyl?

Jump infront of a truck???

whatever

so sick of being invisable when I need help

better to just die now

If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin

 

Facebook has no safety police,.... it's a bot. You can't even reach a human to stop bullying! Very, very unsafe place now

 I have been trying to get a neighbour to stop bullying me for over 5 years now. I have had the police involved,... Ontario Housing involved,... but noone can seem to finally catch her to punish her. I am of course talking about Tonya Halls. The woman who has been harrassing me for well over 8 years now in this building. I had reached out to the police finally in desperation but they really couldn't do much. She hadn't actually threatened my life (so everything else she did is legal???) so they aren't going to pursue it. I showed them all the evidence of all the fake accounts she made and then sent me nasty messages from but they need Facebook to help them find out more. But after 4 months of trying I cannot get any help from Facebook. 

The damn site is run by bots. There is NO human to talk to. It's all bots. You report and you are cut off and can't go any furthur. I have looked on the internet high and low for a phone number to get a REAL person to talk to at Facebook but even AI says there isn't anyone,...

No fucking wonder Facebook is now a cesspool of scammers and bullies and stalkers,....

they get away with it!!!!!!!!

Now I had written in here about calling the police so she would know I am fed up and coming after her now. I told her that the police had set it up for the next time she harrassed me they could right away catch her address and therefore prove it was her,... But the cowardly cunt stopped all activity,... the very same day. It all stopped. As soon as i let her know she was being set up in a sting,.... it all stopped.

But because of her I have had to close up ALL of my social media so I no longer am even on the internet anymore except this blog which is set to private/closed so noone can view it anyway. This woman has forced me to hide away fromt he world by closing my life down so she couldnt' find it anymore.

How would you feel having to delete every socail media account you had. You'd be pissed,.... and I am,.... for someone who is a recluse to start with - having my socail media taken away has completely shut out the world now.

I see noone

I talk to noone

I have no facebook or tiktok or Instagram or any of those platforms.

I am protecting my privacy at all costs now. But sadly to do that I have had to hide from life,....

Facebook has become a wild wild west of anyone who wants to do harm,.... theres noone stopping them but a bot,.... and the bot doesn't really give a shit so does nothing. 

I felt so unsafe on Facebook that having closed it up I now finally feel safe,....