For once I am prepared

Another night of not being able to stay asleep. It has become a pattern now. Go to bed early. Anywhere between 8 and 10:00pm. I used to be a night owl all of my life going to bed quite late. But lately, I am so bored and in so much pain, I go to bed early just for the escape. Life is bearable when your asleep. It's only when I'm awake I am miserable. I woke up at 3:30am and I have been up ever since. My world no longer has a concept of time. I rarely go outside my apartment so I live in a cocoon. Theres no need for time in my life,.... nowhere to go,... noone to see,... just 24 hours a day of boredom watching tv and sleeping. 

There is no point to my life anymore. I am just sitting in God's waiting room ~ waiting to die.

I did get out yesterday though. For the first time in awhile. It was suppose to be really warm (although I found out it wasn't) so I decided to walk to Walmart, the dollar store and Freshco. My cupboards have very little in them which is ok normally. I don't eat much anymore. But after watching the news over the weekend seeing the start of the Iranian war, I knew that in the next few weeks there would be changes that would ripple all around the world. I suffered during covid as I couldn't get out to get food. And when I did finally manage to get out to a grocery store ~ everything was gone. There was nothing left that I needed. So when the world starting tilting over the past month,... I started getting nervous. I know that the first thing people in the world notice, is the loss of the supply chain. Deliveries over goods and services get slowed down or stopped all together due to world issues. I'm not saying that I am concerned war will reach Canada and I will have to protect myself as I really dont' believe combat will ever see Canada. I feel safe physically. I am nervous about supply and deliveries causing me to be unable to get what I need. I wanted to stock up before the shelves started dwindling. That is all. I wanted to feel safe if another covid -like situation hit. I would rather be stocked up and never have to use it than not and then something happens where I can't get groceries again. 

So yesterday I was able to get everything I needed. And the stuff i couldn't, I ordered off of Amazon which is arriving today. Once that is delivered, I have about 4 - 6  months of everything I need (except produce and meat and other perishables). I know it seemed silly to panic but once hungry - you never forget. Now,... I feel like I can relax. I have everything I need and then some. THAT makes me feel safe.

My power source (generator) arrived yesterday and I have got it all charged up ready to go. We are actually expecting an ice storm here in Ontario in the next day or two so I got it just in time. We almost always lose power in an ice storm. The power source I got is not a big one. It isn't designed to power a whole cabin or anything. You would need one of the bigger heavy duty ones for that. This one is meant for power outages. Gives me enough power to have the heater running,... to power the kettle or coffee maker. It will even run the tv with a DVD player for 4 hours. People living in Ontario are well aware power outages. We see a few during most winters. I have always wanted a back up power source because of this and now I have one. This too, makes me feel safe. 

So just getting that and stocking up my cupboards has alleviated my anxiety. Now, I can sit back and just chill. If this war makes getting supplies hard in the future ~ it wont effect me. I have everything I need now and for the next few months. 

Anxiety is a horrible thing. So if I can stop it by preparing, I will. Small thing to do for peace.

Please God,... Please make me die!!!!

It's early. Really early. I don't sleep much anymore. I was awake before the cats this morning. I spend a lot of mornings in the dark before the sun has risen. Do I not sleep because of natural reasons? I'm older now? Or do I not sleep because I am so unsettled? Whatever the reason, I average about four hours sleep a night now. No wonder I always feel so draggy. But with nothing to do all day but sit on my ass and watch tv, I don't expend any energy so my body gets little exercise. I don't know what that does to your body physically, but I can tell you what it feels like. When you have nothing to do all day, It feels like your body is storing up all that adrenaline. By the end of the day, my body has too much. I can feel the need for my body to get up and move. So I walk the halls a few times a day,... some days it's so bad I find myself pacing. My body feels over-stimulated. I constantly shake my leg,... shake, shake, shake,... I can never fully sit still.

I need to DO STUFF during the day. It not only expends all this energy/addrenaline, but it also gets me out of that apartment ~ my prison ~ and my mind gets to do and see stuff. A change is as good as a rest,... my Nana used to say. 

I am so bored!!!! My mind is turning to mush,... my body going slack,... I am an empty vessel waiting to die,...

This winter has been the longest winter I have known. It has been the coldest with temps at minus 50 some days!! And snow never stopped falling,... It was the worst winter I can remember in my life. And I felt it's impact even more as it left me trapped in my apartment unable to get out. I have never had cabin fever so bad as I did this winter,...

I NEED TO GET OUT

I really do need to get out of Fergus and into a city with transportation but as I have tried for the past 5 years,... there is no place to move. 

No transportation means isolation and that has turned me into a recluse.

I no longer even feel human anymore. Just a vessel waiting to die,...

So please God,... please just let me die,...

War is much more terrifying when you are a recluse alone

When you live alone as a recluse you have noone talk to. When something is bothering me I have to blog it, as I have noone in my life to get their opinion on things. Noone to share my concerns or worries,...I am completely alone. And that isn't always a good thing when the world seems to be immploding. 

I talk of world war 3

I have been watching everything unfold with the rest of the world wondering what on earth is going to happen. For the first time in my life I feel uneasy. Trump is so destructive and unpredicatable  ~ It's like the world is going mad.

But yesterday I read something that scared me to death. The Canadian Government put out a warning. "Iran is set to attack Canada with cyber attacks". Up until now I have not feared any 'combat' on Canadian soil. I had not thought of cyber attacks. This warning made me so nervous I immediately went on-line and closed down all my accounts. I have de-activated Facebook. Apparently the Iranian attackers go after personal profiles with many friends so they can take them over and then post all their propoganda on that hi-jacked account. They also warned that Iran has already warned Canadian banks to be prepared for cyber attacks. This makes me worry about the only money I own which is sitting in a GIC in a Canadian bank. It terrifies me to think that the Iranians can go into my bank and delete or sabotage my account stealing my money. It sounds so paranoid but reading the news ~ very possible.

And throughout all of this ~ I am alone. I have noone to talk to. Noone to plan with,... so I am planning on my own.

Firstly I shut down all my social media. Already done.

Then I bought a back up power source. Everyone on Youtube is talking about being prepared for a cyber attack on the grid. Electricity being shut down. Internet unavailable,... NONE of this stuff is likely to happen,... but if it does,... I am going to be prepared.

I ordered a small back up power source. IF the power goes out - I will have a back up. Nothing big and expensive. Just a small unit that can power the kettle,... the coffee maker,... a hot plate,... and my tv and DVD player. I can also use it for my heater and fan if things get too cold or hot. In other words. If I find myself in a prolonged black out ~ I want to be comfortable. During covid I really suffered not being prepared. I will not let that happen this time.

So I have made a 'preperation' list.

Back up generator for electricity,... arriving today via Amazin. Start taking out cash as much as I can from the bank,... (when the grid shuts down no internet or ATM's will be working). I have made a list of things I still need to buy. A chargable radio that doesn't need internet. And can be hand cranked to work,... I am starting to stock pile my pantry as well. During covid I learned the first thing to break down is the shipping industry so suddenly the shelves in grocery stores are bare. I am stock piling now so this won't happen to me again. I actually went hungry during covid not able to get groceries.

I have to admit that I am scared. I have no idea what the future holds with this new war. And I am all alone. Noone to talk to about it. Noone to alleviate my anxiety. I tried sleeping last night,... but I kept waking up. This cyber attack and this new war playing over and over again in my head. The uncertainty is leaving me unsettled.

Planning is the only thing I can do. I can't change the war,... but I CAN be prepared if it gets worse. If we go off grid ~ I want to be comfortable. I want heat,... to be able to cook and make coffee,... to be able to watch tv on my DVD player (probobly onwt be any internet) 

I hate what this world has become. My life is already hard enough with pain and poverty. Now, I have to deal with Trump and his destruction of the world. 

Noone knows the outcome of this new war. But i hope and pray it never reaches Canadian soil. But if it does,... I am going to be prepared this time. 

But while it's happening? I hate that I am all alone,....

I couldn't have said it better myself

This Youtube channel talks honestly about what is happening to Canada. I have said previously that if you are rich or middle class you probobly dont' see what I see 'down here' in poverty. And what I see is a country in decline. I see a government that has spent all the money and is now floundering. Add all the world issues of today (Trump and the wars and tarriffs) and life is pretty grim.

Unfortuantely I am on the bottom. I am on ODSP (disability) and only bring in $1380 a month. I am not the only one who has to live this poverty. Every single person in Ontario on OW or ODSP is suffering. I am just very, very lucky that I came into a small settlement after being run over by a car 2 years ago. But even that money is nearly gone as I make so little a month I have been living on the settlement money too. But that money has now run out. I have some in GIC's but can't access until September. So right now I am living off of $1380 a month.

And it's fucking hard.

When I came across this video on Youtube I nearly cried. It's not just me,... I have been seeing hundreds of these videos of Canadians - who normally don't complain! - rant at how fed up they are of this life of all work and nothing in return. 

Canada is in decline,... and I am so confused as to why our government isn't in panic mode trying to fix it. Instead our groceries are so high that Canadians are skipping meals just to afford to eat for the whole month. My heart goes out to all the families out there trying to feed their children. I can't find a doctor and I am not the only one,... 

At 62 ~ I live in poverty. With no doctor. My life is an unbearable struggle. As the one fed up woman on this video said,... and I quote,...

"I'm not participating in this shit for the next 40 years"

And this is exactly how I feel right now. 

Why am I living right now?????? No life,... no joy,... nothing.

But pain and poverty and being a recluse - isolated away from society - to watch tv all day.

This is not a life - it's a punishment. And I'm not sure what I did wrong to deserve it,...

I can't do this anymore,... and it looks like I'm not the only one,...

Canada - you are decling and taking us with you.

I can't do this anymore,... it's time,.... it's time to leave this madness and unfairness and struggle behind,...

I used to be so proud to be Canadian ~ now they have thrown me away and left me to rot ~ alone,....

Time to end this madness.

Facebook is nothing but a cesspool of scammers and I no longer felt safe

 I have had to de-activate my social media accounts. Facebook was the worst for scammers and spammers and all-around annoying nasty 'commenters' who have nothing better to do than instigate every post they see. Facebook used to be a great thing as I had a lot of friends overseas so it was useful in keeping up to date with all my family and friends. I saw few ads and didn't even know about scammers when I opened my account way back in 2005 ~ over 20 years ago. I enjoyed it and it was an itegral part of my day.

But after I lost all of my friends and family,... Facebook lost it's meaning. It was no longer a tool to keep me connected. The whole platform had changed due to the advancement of internet scammers. And Facebook decided they would rather accept money for fake ads than protect the good and honest folk who used their site. Now it is just a cesspool of scammers trying every sneaky trick they can to get your data and your money. It now felt like a minefield of needing to protect myself from every post. NOTHING felt legit or real anymore. I saw few posts of the rare few friends I had left on there. For some reason my timeline was nothing but ads and posts from porfiles of fake people. 

The whole platform seemed like a hunting ground for the greedy.

So I left. But somehow your messenger stays open on your phone. And can you believe that i am still getting harrassed by scamming ads that I reported and I guess they are coming after me. 

Job Link 21 (they just delete each page and start a new one with a new number) and they message me 3 or 4 times a day in my inbox. If you do anything - they automatically resend over and over and over until you can't get rid and this is what happened. Even now - after I deactrivated my account - I am still getting messages from this Job Link scammer EVERY SINGLE DAY  ~ MULTIPLE times a day. That is just out and out harrassement. Now,... I have to figure out a way to de-activate my messenger too although I thought I had already done that. Every time it just miracously opens back up again every time I get one of these scammers messages.

I DONT FEEL SAFE NOW ~ why is this scammer now coming after me PERSONALLY???

It's the same everywhere now. Every single time i buy anything - I feel like I am taking a gamble. Is it legit or a scam???? I can't buy in person anymore as I am isolated in my apartment all winter and can't get out. So I am forced to order everything I buy on-line. I don't feel safe or secure with any transaction I make on line anymore. 

AI and the internet in general has become way too advanced and the greedy thieves and scammers are way ahead of the rest.

I feel like I am being paranoid but I DONT' TRUST ANYTHING ONLINE ANYMORE THAT I BUY. Every transaction - no matter how well researched for verification and authenticy - can be intercepted by scammers at any point in your sale. So I trust NOONE. 

So I feel like a bit of a paranoid now. I can't trust anyone online.

I can't even trust what I am seeing on line as it is probobly AI generated. Some are badly made and you can see instantly but they are getting better and better so now we never know,....

I don't want to live in a world where I don't know what is real and what is fake,...

The only way I knew how to protect myself was to get off of all social media ~ which I have done ~ and only buy off Amazon and Walmart as they have refund policies I know they honour. 

This world has become a minefield of scammers and thieves and nasty people. I had to hide away ~ completely isolate myself away - to feel safe. Tonya Halls no longer has ANY access to my life anymore. Facebook no longer has access to my life anymore. Infact, NOONE has access to my life anymore. MY CHOICE. When you get beaten up enough you stop going outside to play,....

I just need to die now

 I have just proved to myself that I am an unwanted person. 

I have had nothing but problems on Facebook. Mostly with Tonya Halls cyber bullying me. But also I just get nothing on my feed but ads and scams. So i just got fed up and deactivated my account. I also posted a post,...

I found peace leaving Facebook. I have completely left social media. The only way to contact me now is phone, email or knock on my door. The good old fashioned way. I deactivated Facebook and all other accounts about a month ago and I have felt calmer and more at peace not having to navigate all the scammers and ads. Not to mention my cyber bully,... (and you know who you are!!!) and all her mean minions that had made my life a misery. I wasn't seeing anything personal anymore or even fun or positive. So i gave it all up. Deactivated all my accounts. I FOUND PEACE!!! Facebook had turned into a trigger,... without it I feel so much safer. But now you can only reach me by me email or phone number. If you want that, ask me now as I am leaving social media altogether and wont be able to be reached at all. Internet and social media was definitely not for me,...

I posted this just to let anyone know that I will no longer be able to be reached anymore. So if you wanted to contact me, you will have to do it now before I 'disappear'. It was meant for my children ~ but as expected I got nothing back from them. They no longer even think of me anymore and I am not even present in their minds anymore. They have 'gotten rid' and they will not turn back. So the post was a waste. They wouldn't have even bothered to look. I dont' exist to my children anymore. So the post was a waste.

And even more hurtful? Noone cared - noone reached out - noone even noticed I was 'disappearing',...

And this has just proven to me that I need to just go away and leave this world. I am not wanted or even noticed,...

After learning just how invisable and unwanted I am ~ I have totally given up.

I just want to die now and can't wait to find a way to do that.

Fentanyl

hang myself

slit my throat

I dont' know

All I do know is I am alone and unwanted and unloved and just need to die

I just need to die and that needs to happen very very soon as I can't take one more day of this rejection from the world

I am in PAIN and need help

But instead I am a nobody that noone wants

I JUST NEED TO DIE NOW

There are no words for the pain of being rejected by your family