A Storm is coming,...

 

Everything is going wrong and now a storm is coming in. It has been raining the past week. Very normal for the Island I am told. It is a rain forest afterall. I actually like the rain. So I wasn't concerned about the past 2 storms and hearing a 3rd is on the way. But apparently this next storm is suppose to be different. We are expecting a lot of rain. A warning of flash flooding has been issued. Islanders are nervous,... and that is making me nervous. Apparently we are expecting more power outages,... heavy rainfall causing flooding and high winds. I am told that a storm in Ontario like this is not as bad as a storm in BC that comes off of the ocean. I am seeing that,... the ocean is angry. It looks like a washing machine. It is showing me that nature has a nasty day ahead for me.

I live in a 26 ft RV. In an RV park that is surrounded by the Cowichan river. IF THAT RIVER FLOODS ~ EVERYONE IN THIS PARK IS IN TROUBLE. I am looking outside right now and it is raining. It has been raining for days. The ground is getting saturated. I am anxious for this new incoming storm. If the ground is already saturated, where is the water going to go? I fear a flood. 

My situation just keeps on getting worse. I am now out of money,... all of my budgeted money for repairs and living is GONE. I am now back to living off of $1072.74 a month. (MY CPP and National Disability Benefit) 

MY RENT IS MORE THAN I HAVE COMING IN so you can see the trouble I am in. Everything went wrong and ate up all of my savings I had planned to draw on my savings ot top up my deficits to get by but that money is now all gone,... So there is nothing left for a car and other things to make my life easier. I am back to living in poverty,....

My RV drained me of every penny I had.

So now I have no  money to survive,...

No health care and I really do believe I have cancer. I am desperate for a physical to find out,... but can only get one issue visits, where I have to walk an hour there and back just to access it. My blood pressure is so bad I KNOW I will be dead by the end of the year. Noone survives a blood pressure that averages 180/110 every day. THAT is a death sentence. But I can't find a doctor,... and getting meds was like climbing a moutain so I gave up and stopped meds,... now I wait to stroke out or die,...

The weekends arent' too bad as I spend time with my cousin. But during the week I am alone and feel so claustrophobic trapped inside this 250 square foot tin can. When the temperature is alright (like the past 4 or 5 days) I can get by with heaters and extra clothes. But when it gets colder ~ I just feel pain. And nothing seems to warm me up enough to escape that pain. This RV is not the home I expected it to be and now I will be spending my winter freezing. I can't afford propane,.... I have some but once that runs out who knows if I can afford more. YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT PROPANE IN AN RV IN CANADA! you will freeze to death. Today is okay but I fear when the temps drop,...my bones will be nothing but PAIN.

All those months fighting with Ontario Disability to pay back what they say I was overpaid (over $2000). I phoned and emailed for months trying to pay this damn debt back but noone would call me back. And when I did get through to them they didn't seem interested,... wouldn't give me my client # to access the debt and I no longer have that client number. (So how can I pay the debt???) They were just disinterested and very unhelpful to the point they just got in my way and I wasn't able to pay it. So I gave up. 

Today I got an email they have sent collections after me,...

All I am good for in this society is peopke taking my money,...

ODSP wants $2000 (an over payment)

Superior Propane wants over $600 ( to cancel my contract)

The CRA wants $71 (another over payment - are overpayments not THEIR fault not mine???)

And I live off of $1072.74 a month

I have been priced right out of living,....

So fuck this world I am done

My plan is planned ~ and now I just do it

I asked for help ~  But I was invisable 

So now I do what I have to do 

NOONE should have to suffer like this - NOONE!

And to die so alone noone even noticed I was suffering,...

How fucking sad is that?

Had a total melt down

I hit my wall last night. I have had a break down. I just can't do this one more day. 

I am fucking freezing! But I dont dare use my propane as I am rationing it for showers and dishes and brushing my teeth. I am scared it will run out while I am in the shower and then the water will go icy cold instantly. I am so afraid of that I am not showering everyday anymore. I shower every 2 or 3 days now. And when you are wearng 2 and 3 layers of clothes to keep warm,... you sweat and smell bad.

So I was sat there cold and smelling bad. I lost it. I threw things around,... I had a good vent. But now the vent is over and I am just left completely numb and empty.

My life has just disintegrated.

So now I have ONE thing on my mind. DYING

I am so heartbroken - numb - empty,..... all I can think of is DYING

So I somehow have to find the energy to get dressed and walk into town and look for fentanyl.

I am DONE! A person can only take so much.

maybe my blood pressure will finally kill me today

Maybe God will take pity on me and with my blood pressure like this maybe I'll have a heart attack and die today kindest thing that could ever f****** happen

I seriously just don't know what to do

I give up

I feel like I am entering the end of my life. It's a general feeling throughout my whole being. Lately my thoughts have moved from the problems in my life that I can't seem to solve,... to a quiet acquiescene of acceptance that my life has been a failure and it's disintigrating right before my eyes.

And noone sees me falling so noone is coming to save me

And resigning to this downfall has left me melancholy. Reflective,... Because no matter how I view my life,... it wasn't a good life.

My mental illness (that noone ever let me forget I had) took everything and everyone from me. I didn't fit into this society and no matter where I was in my life ~ I felt it. I could feel people knew I was different. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in - I was different - and not in a good way. 

I just didn't seem to know how to fit it. And this has left me with an existential rejection that leaves me feeling such deep sorrow and sadness that I feel physical pain in my chest. A heartache that won't stop.

My family sees me as a monster. They don't use that word but in putting up a wall and not allowing me in has left me feeling like one. And this feeling I don't know what to do with. The over-powering pain is so deep it has changed me into a recluse who is afraid to even meet people as I know I will just eventually do something wrong and they will leave.

I am always alone.

And this has left me feeling something I can't even put into words. A deep lonliness,... a deep longing for loved ones who don't even want to try to 'like' you. Your just a mentally ill annoyance that ruined their lives,... you apologize but they don't want you back. What more could I have done?

I was not suppose to be born. I was a mistake after two teenagers got pregnant on New Years Eve 1962. Noone wanted me. I came about by accident. And I have felt 'not wanted' for the rest of my life. The only great years were my childhood with the Morgan family. From the time they adopted me at a year and a half old, to around 13 or 14. That was such a great time for me. It was the only time I felt uncondionally loved and actually wanted. It was probobly the only time I felt safe. 

But it didn't last. 

As an adult I was like a gypsy wandering through life. I have moved 24 times,... I have lived all over Ontario before I ended up here in British Columbia. But I could never put down real roots anywhere as I never felt I belonged. I always had that 'feeling' that noone really liked me. I can't tell you how awful that feeling is to never 'be good enough' and eventually dumped and abandoned. I have been dumped by so many people in life I can't help but feel like a monster.

So why would I continue to struggle. My RV is going to need $1000 just to fix all these issues. To make it insulated enough for me not to be cold anymore. BUT THE MONEY IS ALL GONE! I just wear 2 or 3 layers of clothes and winter hats and gloves. It's not fun and I hate it. 

But damn is it cold in here,..... brrrrrrr,.....

I make so many phone calls looking for help but I just get the run around. "We can't help with that but maybe this number can,..." but they can't. And so I spend my days feeling like an invisable ghost that noone sees.

How can you feel any self worth when the world thinks your a monster who is too horrible to even let me see my grandchild,...

I feel nothing but self hatred 

If my family don't even care that I am struggling,.... then what am I struggling for? They not only don't want to know _ they hope I fail so they can be 'right',... so sad,...

I am a soul that was never meant to be born. And because I was, I had no place. I never fit in anywhere,....

Noone saw any good in me - just a monster. 

And that has left a pain so deep,... I just can't bear it.

There was never a place for me on this planet and I always felt it.

It was not a nice feeling at all. And it never went away,...

 

I have never felt more invisable and unworthy in my life

 

I am sitting here in two layers of clothes,... a thick fluffy housecoat,...a winter hat,... slippers with wool socks and I am still cold,....

FUCK THIS SHIT

I didn't get my MAiDs application as the woman had the wrong address. She phoned me this morning. I didn't like her. She just blamed me for the mistake. Then she went on about we didn't have your phone number. You MUST leave your phone number! Obviously I thought I had but must not have. But here I am trying to access DYING! And she is repromanding me for asking for the application wrong,...

I give up

So as this poster says,...... If noone is coming to save me,... then it means noone is coming to stop me,.... and what I do from here on in is a necissity after being invisable to this country.

I got fed up of waiting to be seen and heard 

Now I just do it and they can all go to hell

I do it my way now ~ I asked for help and waited five years- noone came

I am so invisable to this world I can't even access MAiDs. I have tried everything but I am invisable to this world. They said they would send out an application 3 weeks ago. NO APPLICATION.

I have tried for 5 years to get MAiDs but noone takes me seriously. I am invisable. I have called every number given to me but every number failed me. Just said they couldn't help and gave me another number,.... I TRIED!!!!!

So forget MAiDs ~ If i dont'exist to them either then I take matters into my own hands and I do what I have to do to get pain relief.

FUCK YOU WORLD for letting me suffer alone. 

Not sure what more I could have done to get help. BUT EVRYONE failed me.

I'm done

I do it MY WAY NOW