This place is a cesspool of nastiness and noone cares or helps

I know I talk a lot about the people in this building. But that is because they are different ~ sometimes to the point of creepy and borderline dangerous. Living here is not for the faint of heart. This is Ontario Housing. Home to drug addicts,... alcoholics,... the mentally ill,... all living in poverty on top of one another. Not a good situation.

I have always had problems with Arsene this old guy who I have dubbed "The king of the gargoyles". He is the only man amoung about 20 women he sits with and they just gossip,... they sit in the lobby and listen for anything they can use to hurt people. I have always disliked Arsene with a passion. He is just plain mean. Nasty.

Today while doing my laps I heard noise in the scooter room. No big deal as teneants park their scooters in there. But after 4 laps I noticed the noise stopped but noone had actually come out of the scooter room. So I went over to peek inside to see what the noise had been if noone was in there. To my surprise I see Arsene sitting on his walker ~ sleeping.  WHY is a man sleeping in our scooter room???????

So I woke him up by saying through the door "Why are you sleeping in the scooter room?" which of course woke him up. And he was MAD that I had said anything to him. He came after me. So I left but he still followed me angy. So I stopped and turned around and said "Arseen, look at this from my side, I see you sleeping in the scooter room - thats weird - I only said something because I thought you were DEAD" He was fuming and started shouting at me. I didn't care. I'm not the weird one sleeping in a scooter room,... All was recoreded on Tonyas doorbell camera (nosy cow placed it so she wouldn't miss a thing in the hall). So I know she will see it and have an opinion and it will now be all over the building. And this is exactly what I mean by there is nothing but nonsense in this place. 

NONSENSE

I left a 'tenant complaint' in the mailbox yesterday that they will be receiving today. It basically asked why Darren Green has had over 35 to 40 write ups about his smoking yet nothing has been done - when,... I was evicted with NO WARNING when Tonya witch-hunted me and said I was smoking in my unit. It was proven she lied and I was able to stay. But why did I get ZERO warnings while Darren has been smoking in his unit non-stop with multiple complaints (from me) and he gets to stay???? I told them this is a classic example of their 'two sets of rules'. One for the ones you like and one for the ones you don't and want gone,....

So after they read that I'm sure I will be reprimanded and probobly evicted myself. But at this point I just don't care. I wont' be alive by August 1st so I won't need my apartment. They can have their precious apartment,... My life has been nothing but hardship since I moved here. I want out anyway,.... I refuse to live in a place that allows people to get bullied so bad they are suicidal.

Living here is a minefield of bullies and gossips. All bored with nothing to do but hurt other people. I have had enough.

Roll on July ~ I plan on ending my life then.

Good ridence to a fucking prison of pain,... poverty,... bullying and hatred.

Good fucking ridence

My heart is broken

 Murphy and Molly as kittens

The one good thing in my life right now are my two little kittens, Molly and Murphy. I got them on my birthday last year (sept) when they were just tiny. They are now about 10 months old and they have gotten much bigger,... It has been so much fun to watch them grow up. I dont' regret getting them at all. 

Being a football (soccer) fan, I have taught them how to play. I put Murphy in goal and use Molly as a defender. I am the striker and shoot a piece of their kibble across the floor. Molly tries to intervene but more often than not, Murphy is the victor and ends up with the kibble. I should have named them Neville (Man U defender) and Schmeichel (Best Manchester United goalie). They are just so much fun.

But I can't help feeling sad as it does remind me that I should be playing with my grand daughter like this - not cats. I think about her all the time. Every tv show with a little ginger toddler has me feeling sad. I've just stopped watching shows that are about babies and children. Too much of a reminder of what I am missing. I dream of getting her a Manchester United kit and teaching her how to play footy (soccer). I want to teach her piano,... go camping,... and on day trips,... I just want to be with her. Sometimes my heart actually aches thinking about her. I sound like a love sick woman pining after a man. But I have no interest in a man or a love interest of any kind. My heart onlylongs for that little baby girl I have never even met. Funny how you can miss someone so badly that you have never even met. 

I just thought the other day, I have no contact with anyone from that side now so my daughter very well could have another child by now and I don't even know about it. How sad that people do this to each other. All I want to do is love. Love my daughters,... love my grandchildren,... so sad I will never see any of them again. 

I must be a monster. I can't think of any other reason that I am so bad I cant even see my grand child. I have given birth to 4 children,... yet here I am ~ alone.

My heart is broken.

Fuck you Ontario for leaving me to rot with no health care at all

It is a dreary overcast day. Cold,... wet,... not very inviting at all. I dont' think I am going to get outside again today,... :( So I guess it's another day of trying to fill in way too many empty hours. So boring,... I can't take the monotony of watching tv shows I have already seen. Over and over again,... time is my enemy now.

My pain has increased and i dont' know why. But I can barely cope with it anymore. If it stays this bad i may have to move my plans up and do it sooner.

I just can't cope with this pain anymore,....

And I am so angry and resentful and bitter that I know all I need is 5 surgeries and I could be well again. But with no doctor, they won't give surgeries,.... no office to do the admin which is a joke full of irony as I used to be a medical administrator ~ I could do the paper work myself!!!!!!!!! But no family doctor = no health care which equals UNNECESSARY overwhelming pain I can't deal with.

I am going to commit suicide becasue I have no family doctor to do paper work for my surgeries I so desperately need,... again,... rules and regulations come before a human soul suffering,...

I am not complaining anymore to anyone,... infact I have given up. I have started my new plan and it means I will be dead and buried before anyone realizes I am gone,...

I am refusing to live in pain becasue I dont' have a family doctor which means I won't get the health care I need,....

I am an invisable piece of shit that isn't worth saving apparently,... 

So this province,... this country,.... has NO fucking say what I do now. I asked for help ~ and got none and was left in severe overwhelming pain

You dont see me? Then you won't even notice I'm gone,...

Fuck you all for leaving me alone to rot,....

FUCK YOU ALL

Canada has given away BILLIONS while I suffer on $1408 a month as a natural Canadian citizen. Immigrants get more than I do a month!!!!!

I have become so disillusioned with our world. Ever since covid, the world has been different. And I don't like the changes. Infact, I have watched Canada systematically immplode due to our government. It has not been said,... but I strongly believe that Canada has spent all of our money and that is why the people on ODSP and OW are in such dire straits,... and to hear we just gave away 

• 120 MILLION for Sudan,....
• 2.5 Billion to support Ukraine,...
• 272 Million to the Indo-Pacific region,...
• 5.3 Billion for climate finance commitment which includes Philippines,... (what does that even mean?),...
• 9 Million just for 'international assistance" (didn't even say what that is)
• and here is the real sad one,... 25 Million in scholarships for more than 220 Indian students while Canadian students had their financial benefits taken away and now Canadian kids have to pay themselves.
• And here in Ontario? Premier Doug Ford ~ the Ontario Government just bought a 28.9 Million private jet just for the use of Doug Ford,.... while the folk in Ontario lose their homes and go hungry!!!!! DISGUSTING!

Yet people like myself BORN and RAISED in CANADA who are disabled or not working have to live on under $1500 a  month. I dont know everyones amount obviously, but I do know that folk on ODSP are not allowed to bring in more than $1408 a month as a single adult. (families would get more I hope) IMMIGRANTS GET MORE THAN I DO ~ not fair

So why do INDIANS get money?

So why do Sudanese get money?

So why do wars in other countries get money?

While Canadians are suffering,.... going hungry and losing their homes.

Homelessness is rampant,.... Canada is collapsing and yet our government is giving away our money. 

I give up. Maybe I should have been born in India and come to Canada as an immigrnat and I would have done much better. As a natural Canadian I am choosing to die rather than live in poverty. And it's all becasue Canada seems to HATE Canadian citizens,...

The Canadian government has let all Canadians down!!!!!!

And I can't survive in this poverty and being invisable to my country,...

FUCK YOU Canada,.... I am choosing death over your poverty

Wake up and start seeing CANADIANS and stop giving our country away!!!!!!

You have to die to escape this horrible life

I write on here to vent ~ and that is all. I do  not want people to read it. I used to leave it open but that was a huge mistake. Tonya Halls and Darren Green in this building used it for material to hurt me,... nice. I write a blog about the struggles of my mental illness and they use it against me to hurt me. That right there tells you the type of people i am dealing with. Low life scum bags that would hurt their own mother to get what they want. To use a blog about my mental illness was just low. 

So I had to lock it up. And it has been locked up tight ever since. Yesterday, I must have accidently set it to public. I sometimes do this while I am writing that days post. But I always turn it back to "private only to author" when i am done. I then keep an eye on my stats which should read 0 and then I know it's locked up. I don't know what happened yesterday but it got left open and it stayed open all day and night until i found it this morning. I immediately locked it back up again but the damage has already been done. 170 people opened it up and read it. If they are just random strangers who happened upon it? No big deal,... but I fear it was seen by my enemies here in this building. Tonya Halls and Darren Green.

How could I have been so careless????????

I have no way of knowing who has read it,... so I have to assume they did and know everything now. 

This buillding is the worst place I have ever lived. I wished when I moved in 10 years ago that I had not talked to a soul. Just put my head down - kept myself to  myself - and just reamin under the radar. Infact I was warned by people about Tonya,... but I didn't listen. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I wish I had known that the folk in here are parasites. It would have saved me alot of heartache and harrassment.

If I were to get transfered (which I'm not as apparently you have to be physically attacked first before they will grant you an emergency transfer) I would never speak to another tenant in that new building. I would put up walls so high they dont' even know my name,....

Sadly, all I have learned living here is that people love to hurt you,...(????) I mean really???? Who makes up fake Facebook profiles just to send nasty huhrtful messages to me to hurt me????? Just lowlife childish scum,.... Tonya Halls. A grown ass woman who behaves like a 12 year old on the playground. A nosy bully. She was definitely the downfall of living here. If she was never here??? I would probobly be ok. But she made it her goal in life to harrass and hurt me and she did. Over and over again until she got me evicted,..... CUNT!!!!!!~

But theres no leaving this building. I am trapped. And the only escape is DEATH/

I resent this country,... this province,... this bulding,.... they haven't helped me!!!! They have harrassed and witch-hunted me until I was suicidal,....

And with no way to escape,.... I have chosen death.

If anyone can help me - please help!!!!! Becasue if no help comes by the time I board that plane to BC, it will be too late,....

I will not be coming back,....

I will be taking an overdose of fentanyl and dying

THATS what you have to do in canada as you wont' get help

You have to die to escape the pain,... the poverty,... the bullying,....

you have to DIE to escape,...

How fucking sad is that?

Maybe I need to find an abandoned house and disappear,.....

When I turned youtube on this morning, the documentary "God Knows Where I Am" popped up. I have not only seen this documentary before, but I was deeply effected by it. In Linda Bishop, the woman the documentary is about, I saw someone who felt the same way I did about society and mental illness.

Society has one answer for the mentally ill. medicate them and/or hospitalize them. I get that,... it makes life much easier for the families involved. Medicate them until they don't know what day of the week it is and the family get their peace. The person medicated is drugged,... and mechanical. When I was on meds I never, ever, ever felt well. They upset my stomach leaving me nauseous. They left me feeling like a zombie - a stepford wife. It made life easier for the family,.... but it made life empty and paralyzing for the patient.

But as long as the family is happy,... who cares that we feel like an empty vessel not even able to feel,.... thats not a life. But as long as we shut up and stop being annoying - our families will love us.

if not - then we are monsters they have to protect themselves from.

I did notice one difference in Linda Bishops life that was different from my own. Even though this woman was extemely un-well and made life hard for her family and loved ones - THEY NEVER GAVE UP OR STOPPED LOVING HER! They never pulled down the shutters leaving her out. They watched her be so destructive - yet - still loved her,...

This is what my family said to me,...

So how am I suppose to feel knowing Linda bishop was 50 times worse than i was - yet her family still loved and wanted her,....

So I must be the worlds worst monster if my family can't even see any good in me at all,.... 

I am a worthless - useless - piece of shit that doens't deserve the air I breath,.... 

I can't bear being so unloved and unwanted and actually HATED!

I just can't bear it,....

What the fuck did I do that made me feel like the worst human being that was ever born,...

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

I am so confused and hurt I just can't bear it

Jesus, take me home 

77 days and counting

April 14th. My grand-daughters birthday is sometime this week. I'm not even sure of the exact date. I can't settle. I should be packing and going to Barrie to celebrate my granddaughters birthday. But I am not wanted,...

Many years ago I received a phone call from a Toronto hospital asking if I knew a Bill Holyoak. I told her yes, he was my uncle. I had never met him, but I did know his daughter. She told me that he had died and they didn't have a next of kin to call. So I told her I would pass the details on to my cousin - which I did. But I am talking about this, as here is yet another Holyoak that died alone. Isolated,... So much so that noone even knew who to call when he died.

And this is now me. isolated and alone. 

My mother,... and my grandmother both died alone and isolated too. My Mom lived in a trailer in the mountains of BC alone with her pets. My grandmother, Ida, lingered for 15 years in a nursing home with noone visiting her. 

The Holyoak curse,... 

But the truth is I haven't felt wanted or normal since the day I was born.

I don't know what it is people want from me. I try,... but they just don't like me. It's actually quite painful. So I too, will die in isolation. Lonely and feeling like a monster.

My days are getting too hard now. Too much pain. Every time I move my body, I feel pain. Every,... single,.... move,.... it's relentless and exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

All I can say before I go is,.... I tried,... I really did try. But I don't even know what I did wrong,....

I just wish I had never even been born. What was the point???? 

Countdown to D-day,.... 77 days