If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin

 

Facebook has no safety police,.... it's a bot. You can't even reach a human to stop bullying! Very, very unsafe place now

 I have been trying to get a neighbour to stop bullying me for over 5 years now. I have had the police involved,... Ontario Housing involved,... but noone can seem to finally catch her to punish her. I am of course talking about Tonya Halls. The woman who has been harrassing me for well over 8 years now in this building. I had reached out to the police finally in desperation but they really couldn't do much. She hadn't actually threatened my life (so everything else she did is legal???) so they aren't going to pursue it. I showed them all the evidence of all the fake accounts she made and then sent me nasty messages from but they need Facebook to help them find out more. But after 4 months of trying I cannot get any help from Facebook. 

The damn site is run by bots. There is NO human to talk to. It's all bots. You report and you are cut off and can't go any furthur. I have looked on the internet high and low for a phone number to get a REAL person to talk to at Facebook but even AI says there isn't anyone,...

No fucking wonder Facebook is now a cesspool of scammers and bullies and stalkers,....

they get away with it!!!!!!!!

Now I had written in here about calling the police so she would know I am fed up and coming after her now. I told her that the police had set it up for the next time she harrassed me they could right away catch her address and therefore prove it was her,... But the cowardly cunt stopped all activity,... the very same day. It all stopped. As soon as i let her know she was being set up in a sting,.... it all stopped.

But because of her I have had to close up ALL of my social media so I no longer am even on the internet anymore except this blog which is set to private/closed so noone can view it anyway. This woman has forced me to hide away fromt he world by closing my life down so she couldnt' find it anymore.

How would you feel having to delete every socail media account you had. You'd be pissed,.... and I am,.... for someone who is a recluse to start with - having my socail media taken away has completely shut out the world now.

I see noone

I talk to noone

I have no facebook or tiktok or Instagram or any of those platforms.

I am protecting my privacy at all costs now. But sadly to do that I have had to hide from life,....

Facebook has become a wild wild west of anyone who wants to do harm,.... theres noone stopping them but a bot,.... and the bot doesn't really give a shit so does nothing. 

I felt so unsafe on Facebook that having closed it up I now finally feel safe,....

I think my Dad was the only person who ever really loved me

I am in deep seclusion now. I don't talk to anyone,... I rarely see anyone. If I do see someone it's a quick hello and then I put my head down and keep walking. I dont' want anything to do with people ever again.

Hearing that you are not liked has left me so embarrassed and humiliated that I can't face anyone. I can never look at people the same way again. How can you try and be with people when you know the truth. They don't really want to be there,... I look back over my life and it has happened over and over again ~ I just refused to see it. Who wants to see and acknowledge THAT truth?

My own birth parents didn't want me,.... then my adoptive Mom. My Dad passed away many years ago and I think we had a wonderful relationship so I don't want to look back at it forensically because I want it to remain a cherished memeory for me. My Dad loved me,.. and if he didn't actually 'like' me? Well,... I am not going to think about that. I want one person in this world to have loved and wanted me,... and in my mind it was my Dad.

My ex-husband didn't even want to spend time with me at all! My kids? Well,... they're gone too. Infact, everyone is gone.

When you see that evidence - it can't lie. You have to come to the conclusion that you really are unliked. And with that knowledge I pulled my head back into my shell like a turtle and I refuse to come out. If I am not a likable person I am not going to embarrass myself by trying to force a relationship with anyone. It would just be fake,... and I don't want fake. If I can't have a real relationship where someone actually likes me - for me,... and I'm not 'annoying' then I would love that. But I have been told,... over and over again I am not what people want. After 62 years ~ I finally get it.

So I am too embarrassed to come out. I don't want to be the pity friend you see to be the good person. Becky was that for sure,... She stuck around a lot longer than most but funnily we didn't actually spend a lot of time together,... She was a nice person. But not even she could put up with me. 

I am so embarrassed,... so ashamed,... so humiliated,...

I just want to die

 I'm going to be dead before my holiday. Even gets here.

I am a monster

They say when you are dying, your life flashes before your eyes. I wouldn't know if that is true as I am still alive and breathing. But I have been reflective over the past few months. And it has left me quite saddened.

No matter how I look at my life ~ I can't help knowing it meant nothing. 

I have always had this belief about what life is. I think that in the universe before earth, we were souls. I believe that while up in 'heaven' your soul makes a plan. You life is planned already before you are even born. It's like your biography is already written. You are born to live that plan. Souls are joined up with other souls they are already connected to in past lives. That is what makes the love between families. They belong together so no matter what ~ your family is your life.

But I believe my soul got 're-routed' when i was adopted. I firmly believe that my 'planned path' was broken when I was born into one family and then abandoned and put into foster care and then eventually my 'adoptive' family. I think my soul was forever fucked up when my 'plan' was broken.

I loved my adoptive family. They were good for me. They gave me stability and consistency which allowed me to feel like I was wanted. Infact, for my childhood years I was very happy. I didn't want for anything. But thats how children are. As long as their needs are met they are happy. 

It wasn't until my adulthood that things went wrong. I would meet people and think I was liked. I thought people really actually had feelings for me and cared what happened to me over my life. But  I discovered that wasn't true.

The love I received from my adoptive family ~ had conditions. And the older and more mentally ill I got - the less my family liked me. They tried hiding it but after things happened I realized they were just fulfilling their obligation. They adopted me - theywere stuck with me. I didn't see it. I was so blind. I thought I was wanted.

But things happened,... invitations given to other family members but I wasn't included. (embarrassed? ashamed?) My ex-husband couldn't stand to even be home with me and therefore spent most of his time away from me and our home. Working,... baseball,... drinking and being with friends,... but he never wanted to be with me. I often wonder why he wanted to marry me? Becasue he sure didnt' show much emotiong or effection to me. Infact I can remember I hated the sound of the front door closing as it was him leaving,... always leaving,... I was never wanted.

My mother, in the end, couldn't even hide her disdain. I remember her dying and I drove my girls two hours to see her - she wouldnt' even look or talk to me and instead gushed over my daughters. She out and out IGNORED me,... my heart was broken. She literally couldn't hide her dislike for me. She tried but was too sick and didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. She just out and out showed me she didn't want me in her life. To be rejected by not only one mother - but two,... left me so broken I could never have another relationship. I obviously didn't know how to have a relationship with anyone. I know this as they all turned on me and left me and even though they all know exactly where I live,.... I will forever remain alone. 

So now,... in my senior years,... I am left with the tragic and painful knowledge that I was not wanted - nor was I liked - while I walked this planet. I was 'put up with' until it was ok to walk away from. 

I sadly learned that I was not a good person. I was a mentally ill monster that noone wanted around. That is a lot to get your head around. And after much agonizing I realize I never will.

So now I know my life is not only pointless,... but people activly want me gone,... out of their lives forever,...

And the biggest tragedy of all is I still dont' know what I have done wrong,...

And it leaves me in so much pain I really do wish I would just die. Living is humiating knowing people point and laugh at the mentally ill monster.

EVERYONE HATES HER SO YOU CAN TOO

I have hiden myself away now and i will never have another relationshiop with anyone ever again. NOONE wants me,...

I am a monster

It's been over a month now since I had to leave the ER because I had no health coverage. But this damn winter won't stop dumping down snow. Today is yet another snow storm,.... 

I am trapped inside my apartment and desperately need to get to Service Ontario to get health care so I can get to a doctor,....

But no buses,... no taxi,.... I have to walk a 7 km round trip to get health care.

I hate this,...

I am trapped. I cant get out!!!!!!!

I just need to die