Fuck Canada I'm out of here

 I am so done with this country and this province

I need a doctor! Can't get one

Asked for MAiDs - won't give it to me as I have no family doctor!

I live in such pain I can't take care of myself anymore

Groceries are so expensive I cant even afford produce. I live off of hamburgers, cereal and chicken thigh on a bun. $130 for a month of food gets you NOTHING but HUNGRY!

I am one step away from HOMELESS

But noone cares 

I am worhtless 

I am invisable

I ASKED FOR HELP

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

But the answer was no

So now this country and this province dont' have a say in what I do next to escape this pain 

FUCK YOU Ontairo

FUCK YOU Canada

I am not living just to placate a no suicide law.

If I'm in pain and I get no help

BYE BYE

Fuck yOU Canada I'm out of here

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN AND SUICIDE IS THE ONLY ANSWER NOW AND I HATE YOU FOR IT!!!! i HATE YOU!!!

I'm done with this province and country ~ you dont give me MAiDs? I do it myself

I just got a call from Health Care Connect. The organization that is suppose to be connecting me with a family doctor. They call about once a year to update my profile but it never changes - YES, I still need a doctor! Today I thought she might have good news,... but no,... no good news. No doctor. Infact she said they are having difficulties getting doctors in this area. And she kept saying that she did offer me a doctor last year but I turned it down. Ummmm,.... that doctor was not even in my town and I have no car to get out of Fergus. She kept saying I know, I know you dont have transportation but we did find you a doctor and you turned us down,....

I lost my car becasue I was forced to go on ODSP which paid so little I lost my car,... NOT MY FAULT 

Now your going to make me feel guilty for saying no to a doctor I had no way to get to?????? Was I suppose to walk with a walker to another town????? No,... she kept saying it over and over. I was starting to get upset. I didn't show it,... I was all smiles and thank you thank you thank you,.... but inside I was fuming. How dare they make ME feel guilty for not accepting a doctor I have no way to get to,....

And this is my life all over. Hitting walls,... hearing no,... no,.... no,... I just can't take being so fucking worthless and invisable.

I just want out now. DEAD. Anyway I can. I was hoping for MAids but they won't even talk to me unless - wait for it - I HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR! Without one the answer is NO,... NO,... NO,...

And last night I lay in bed is such severe pain I decided I have hit my wall and I am done. 

Help is NOT COMING,..... I have been thrown away and left to rot in pain

I go on vacation in June and I may not even return,.... Vancouver. The home of the most drug addicts in Canada. One trip to the downtown eastside on my last day of vacation and one fatal overdose,....

Everything goes away,... the pain,... the bullying,.... the family hating me,.... it all goes away,......

I think this is my new plan

Take my vacation ~ just dont bother coming home,.....

Because there is no life for me in Fergus Ontario Canada

Infact i dont think there is any place for me,....

I am worthless and I am invisable

worthless

& 

Invisable

Is Vancouver going to be safe for FIFA?

I am taking my first vacation in 26 years this June. I am flying to Vancouver Island. I have booked a hotel close to my 2 cousins and plan on enjoying my well-deserved get-a-way. Even though it would be a dream come true ~ I am not actually going to a FIFA game at BC Place while there. The tickets were just too expensive and hard to get. But I generally find that going to a local pub or a fan-base area where they set up jumbotrons playing the games can be just as much fun. I haven't actually 'planned' anything yet as we are still awaiting any schedule of who plays who and where,... but I know I will catch some games. And I'm really looking forward to that. In the words of Dani Rojas (Ted Lasoo) "Football is life!".

But after seeing the news last night and the Iranian threat of retaliation on 'tourist destinations' I had to sit up and take notice. FIFA is probobly the biggest event that is going to happen in North America this year in terms of massive amounts of people from all over the world converging on one event. Football. Fifa is to be played in 16 cities across Canada, Mexico and the United States, with Toronto and Vancouver being the Canadian venues. 

Normally I would not even be concerned. But with the climate of what is happening in the Middle East right now and Trump being such a loose canon,... I have to be a little concerned. I am telling myself that IF anything were to happen it would more than likely happen in one of the 12 cities in the States. I really can't see Canada becoming a target. However,... I honestly couldn't see this war coming either,.... it just seems in this world right now ANYTHING could happen. So I am not concerned,... but I am aware and following the news. I am pretty sure I will fly out there and have a great time. But the whole trip will have an added concern of travelling during a war. But football is my life and the risk is worth it. I will definitely go. But I will be a tiny bit more aware when I travel this time. 

So roll on June 30th,... it can't come fast enough,...

Sunday mornings are "off-grid" videos

It's Sunday morning. I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube. Sundays are "off-grid" days. I follow a few channels of people living off grid. It's what I would LOVE to do myself but am now too old. I couldn't survive on my own with all my physical limitations. So instead I watch others and live vicariously through them. It was my dream in life,... but never to see,...

As I sit here drinking my coffee Molly & Murphy have the zoomies. It's quite a sight first thing in the morning to watch two kittens literally 'fly' through your apartment. I am used to it now. I just calmly sip on my coffee as these two run around chasing each other and having fun. It's the reason I got them. They are now about 9 months old. Murphy has grown into a huge cat. While my little Molly has remained a little peanut at only 6 pounds. I have zero regrets getting these two kittens. They have changed my life. They have given me something to get up for in the morning. But the best part? Cuddling. My last cat ~ Maggie ~ God rest her sole,... hated human contact so I rarely got to hold or cuddle her. But these two love sleeping on my lap while I watch tv. It's my favourite time of the day.

You have to remember that I have noone in my life. I have not touched or hugged another human being probobly since I hugged my cousin in BC almost a year ago. No human contact does strange things to a person. I crave contact,... and with these kittens, I get as much as I want anytime I want. It has softened my heart having these two cats in my life. They are expensive with all the food, and litter with me living on $1408 a month again. But they come first. I buy their stuff before I buy my own. I will starve long before my pets do. They always come first. 

I will  never regret having these two cats in my life. They are my life.

I sent housing an email about what happened with Darren yesterday. But with it being the weekend I dont' plan on hearing from them until monday. No drama since then. I just felt I needed to put it in writing to document to housing as then they have a "record". I also ran into two of my gazebo buddies and they told me they heard he treats his cat like shit. So if others are hearing this - it's not just me. Darren Green does not deserve an animal. I wish they would remove it from him but at this point I want no part of it and will never mention it again to anyone. Darren Green is too unpredicatable and dangerous to fuck around with. Just leave well enough alone and hope he stays away. I did tell housing that I do expect retaliation. 

The weather actually looks promising today. No snow! No arctic vortex! It almost looks like it will turn out to be sunny and nice. If it is, I need to get out!! I have no money left to go grocery shopping so I will just take a long walk. I have cabin fever so bad right now. I need to get out!!!! And hopefully today might be that day,...

I need to get out of this building

Living here is just one thing after another. I had yet another run-in with Darren Green about the same thing I had a blow up with him about last time - three years ago. His treatment of his cat. I was in the hall and heard him yelling. When I knew it was directed at his cat I stayed there listening. It went on and on and on and on,.... he just yelled at his cat! It was obvious he was just in a bad mood and taking it out on his cat. But when his voice got louder and more aggresive, I panicked and shouted through the door "Stop yelling at your cat", which of course infuriated him. Now he was hurling abuse through the door at me. So I left,.... but I heard his door open and him start yelling but I was back at my unit by then and just shut my door. 

I am so fed up of his rages and taking it out on his poor defenceless cat. But I am still feeling the effects of Darrens revenge after calling the Humane Society on him last time. So i didn't want to call again. So i wrote a long detailed email to housing and left it in their hands. I reminded them that there is cctv footage as we now have cameras in the hall. It's ALL ON VIDEO this time. NO DOUBTS and he can't wigle his way out of his abuse. They will all hear it!!!

I want darren gone. I want that cat removed from his care. I had a friend here once many years ago (K.M.) I was still friends with Darren at the time and one afternoon there was me, Darren and my friend "K". Darren spent the whole time talking about how he was going to buy a dog. A military dog he would teach to protect and attack (why?). Anyway, when Darren left my apartment, my frined "K" looked at me in concern and said "That man should never own a pet" My friend didn't know a lot of Darren. just a few visits here when he was here. But in that short time of knowing him, "K" knew Darren should not own a pet. Thats telling. I had said nothing to him about pets or abuse or Darren at all. It was strictly "K"s opinion after only knowing him for a short time.

So I sit here now knowing I will probobly never feel safe in this building now,...

Time to get the fuck out of this building no matter WHAT IT TAKES!

I don't know what to do about this smoking in the gazebo situation. It's just not working out. In the end, I don't want to sit out there with those people. (Mark and Darren). But housing forces us to. 

I feel so trapped. I can't stay in this building anymore. I don't feel safe. I am suppose to go out to the gazebo to smoke but I am not welcome there and they let me know!!! Noone wants to have to be couped up inside a tiny gazebo with people giving you the death glare.

I will be using the gazebo very rarely. I don't feel safe out there at all.

But housing can't help,... they refuse to give us a second place to smoke. We have two buildings full of people and we all have to share ONE smoking area.

IT IS NOT WORKING

Very few women go out there. The gazebo itself is disgustingly dirty. People spitting ont he ground after they smoke - so disgusting! It needs to be power-washed before any woman would feel comfortable in there. So in the end only myself and maybe one or two other woman use the gazebo. The rest of the women smoke in their units as they don't feel safe either. But I did the right thing and did not smoke in my unit and went out. All I got was abuse,... I dont feel safe,....

I don't feel safe!!!

Darren has decided he is too good for losing the smoking in his unit priviledge. Every single time I walk by his apartment he is smoking. When I was talking with housing about this whole situation I let them know that Darren has no intention of following rules and will continue to smoke in his unit and get away with it. So housing told me to write down every time he smokes. Um,... no thank you. This is a man who has proved he will retaliate over any little thing. You want ME to be the spy that gets him evicted??? 

Do your own fucking work housing ~ I am not a rat or a mole. I dont' work for Ontario Housing so why should I put my life in danger doing THEIR spying??? No way! If you want to catch Darren Green - YOU can do the tattling. I am staying well clear of that man.

The only way to resolve this issue is one of us has to leave this building. And in the end WHY should it be me? This is a perfect opportunity for me to 'tattle' every time he smokes and he will eventually get evicted. But will i do that? Absolutely not. First of all,... I have been homeless myself - twice - and I don't wish that upon anyone. Even Darren Green. it's INHUMANE. I do not want to be the reason a person loses their housing. I want Darren Green gone,... he has ruined my living here,... but I stop at making someone homeless.

So housing this is your problem. you dont' want smoking in your building? Yet you want us tenants to do all the dirty work catching them. WE DONT WORK FOR YOU - It's not our job to tattle. Do it yourself.

And I can't help thinking if it's that immpossible to catch someone - then maybe I should just smoke inside too,.... Housing has said it's near immpossible to evict someone without 'written' complaints to document. Like Tonya did to me for years (and I had to fight to stay here). If they threaten to evict me,... at least I have a case behind me I can fight it. I told them multiple times I dont feel safe,... yet nothing was done to ensure my safety. So I choose to protect myself and stay inside. But will i do this? No,... becasue I live here too. Why should I be trapped inside all my life due two men who are bullies????????

Life is not fair. And I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. My body is in so much pain now I can't function and look after myself anymore.

BUT NOONE CARES I can't find a doctor,... and noone cares,....

So I think it really is time to just disappear

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more bullies,...no more feeling like your the biggest piece of worthless shit around,....

It is time to plan,....

Come on Canada, I just lived on $16,022 for the whole entire year. No wonder I just want to die

Things have been grim. I feel as if I have been couped up in this apartment for years! It's only been the winter months but it seems to be the longest and coldest winter I can remember. Roll on spring,... I NEED to get outside! But even as I write this, it is raining out. And the temperature is dropping turning everything into ice. I won't be going out today.

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day. I actually did get outside. It was cold and damp but I just needed fresh air desperately. So I knocked on my 'bodyguards' door and we went out to the gazebo for a few minutes of fresh air. 

I finally got my taxes done yesterday. I am not by nature a procrastinator. But when it comes to my annual government taxes, I drag my feet and usually don't get them done until the last minute. There really easy for me. I own nothing,... and I live in abject poverty. So just as I figured,... I owe nothing,... I get nothing back,.... nil. I will take it. As long as I don't owe ~ I will just accept it.

But get this. In case anyone reading this blog wonders just how poverty stricken I am???? My annual income for the ENTIRE YEAR was,....

$16,022.00

And every person in Ontario on ODSP lived the same. It's a horrible thing to say and I never thought I would ever say this,... but thank God I got hit by a car two years ago as that is the only way I am surviving. And I am not surviving well,... I am just getting by. Infact,.. now that I have run out of the money I had from my settlement I am starting to hurt again. I did my monthly budget for April and already the money is all spent with nothing left over for groceries. I will either have to borrow from my cash I have saved up for my trip in June ~ or go to the food bank. 

Come on Canada!!!!!! Who can live on $16,022 a year.

No wonder people are using MAiDs at an alarming rate in this country. I WISH I WAS ONE OF THEM! I am so sick of poverty. So sick of having to walk everywhere,... so sick of no doctor,.... I am so sick of my life. Because this isn't a life

This is just surviving and not even barely,... I pray every morning with my coffee: "Please God,... I have had enough. Please just give me a heart attack and let me go,... I just can't cope with this life anymore,.... PLEASE just let me die and come home"