Now I hope to die

 I am sat here despondent. It's just after 3 in the morning. I can't sleep. I don't get a lot of sleep anymore. Too much on my mind. The air is cool so I am wrapped up in my housecoat trying to keep the damp out. Rain pounds down on my RV roof. I feel cold. I can never get warm these days. Feeling cold = pain for me. The damp gets right into my bones and just throbs. It's all consuming. I don't know how to cope with it. So I sit here and just cry.

I called the place to get health care today. I ended up so upset I threw my medication down the toilet and decided health care is just something that for some reason is just too hard to get for me. I found out the place I needed to go was an hours walk away. Much furthur than I had anticipated. I have not been well the past few days. Pain has been overwhelming. I am finding it harder to walk into town. Today,... I just couldn't face it. I asked to come in. She offered me 15 minutes to deal with my blood pressure but no other problems. So I am suppose to WALK for an hour just to talk about blood pressure and not allowed to discuss any other problem? And then WALK an hour home? I have 63 with no doctor. I have dozens of issues that need looking at. If I have to walk 2 hours for every appointment then it's useless to me.

I am too old to jump through hoops just for basic health care. 

Why can't I get a phsical and take care of ALL of my issues???? I have been without health care for years and it has piled up and I starting to suffer. But if 15 minutes is all I am worth and I have to walk two hours just to get it? Then I give up. I am too old and tired to deal with that nonsense.

So I took my meds and I threw them all down the toilet. From this day on I do nothing to help my health. And in this I hope to have a heart attack and die.

Health care should not be this hard to access and I am fed up and just dont care anymore.

ROLL ON HEART ATTACK! I am done suffering

I have now tried to get health care in two provinced in Canada and both were too hard to get.

Now I hope to DIE

 

I wish I had never even been born

 I'm back. I know this blog is only for when I am feeling overwhelmed and depressed, but that is how I feel today. And i need to write it all down to get it out.

This is not working out. It sounded great in theory. Buy an RV and live out my retirement in peace and happiness. But what theory doesn't expose is 'real life'. And in this case ~ money. I wish someone had sat me down and said buying an RV is just going to drain your bank account and leave you with nothing but a cold tin can to live in and a hefty RV pad rental cost each month.

I thought buying this RV was 'turn key'. All I had to do was move in. I had all these plans to make my life better ~ easier,... buy a car so I finally have transportation. I actually put money aside in my budget to make sure this would happen. With a car I could be self sufficient. Not have to rely on anyone to do my basic living errands. Groceries,... laundry,.... 

But instead nothing worked in this RV and I got stuck spending all my money just to make this thing livable. Now,... all that money I put aside is gone,.... This RV sure does look nice. Shiny and new,... but when you look closer? It's not well made. The windows are plastic and keep no heat in. It feels like a cold tin can. I know from this day forward I am always going to feel cold.

I have been 'conned' by Superior Propane into a very expensive propane plan. What I thought was free installation and $500 worth of free propane (an excellent deal I couldn't refuse) turned into a $119 charge for my monthly rental cost as well as $392 for the installation. (But I thought that was free?) Now I am learning that the $119 monthly cost is JUST THE RENTAL OF THE PROPANE TANK!!! I still have to pay propane on top of that! So i feel I was duped with fancy talking marketing promos that I obviously didn't understand. I cannot afford this at all so I have no choice but ot cancel out of this contract.

Now they are coming after me for over $1000.00 to break my contract. So I haven't even been on the island for two months and I already have debters coming after me. I got duped,... and it cost me way too much,... It cost me getting a car,...

And then theres laundry. Something that should be so simple. But here? A problem every time. I have no car, so I have to WALK into town pulling a big suitcase of all my clothes to the laudromatte where I pay $11.00 a load to wash my clothes. (I only paid $2.50 a load back at my old place) This wouldn't be a problem if I was 30 years old and not in constant pain. But for a 63 year old person to have to do this is just shit. Now I am sitting here with two large loads of dirty clothes on my floor and nothing clean to wear. Now I have to walk into town and spend $22 that I dont have. And because I dont have it ~ I have no clean clothes and dirty clothes everywhere as its so small in this RV I dont even have a dirty clothes hamper. No room. So they just lay on my bed or floor taking up room pissing me off every time I step all over them. If I want laundry done I have to do 'the fucking walk' or rely on my cousin.

I want to be self sufficient. If I cant do groceries and laundry myself then what is the fucking point???? I now have to bug my cousin every time I need something. I refuse to do this. So instead I have mounds of dirty clothes that need washing but I am too tired and sore to walk into town. SO IT HASN'T GOTTEN DONE IN 4 DAYS.

Now my money is all gone. It's not only gone,... but I am now in debt over $4000. The money I have set aside for RV pad rentals has been used for 'fixing' this broken tin can that was suppose to be 'turn-key' and move in ready. Instead I have spent a fortune to fix shit.

Now with no car in the future I am stuck right back where I started from. Being stuck inside my home with no way to go anywhere and no money to do anything. I am completely reliant on my cousin. I do not like this. I refuse to live relying on others for basic chores and needs. I am back to being POOR. Living in POVERTY. And stuck inside my home with nothing to do bored out of my mind watching tv again,...

I only get $1000 a month to live on. REREAD THAT.

$1,072.74 is all I bring in a  month. My rental pad is more than I bring in at $1200 a month.

So I am right back where I was 3 months ago. No money to live on,... no transportation to go anywhere and now I am stuck inside a cold tin can freezing. I can't even afford the cost of propane now. So now I have to live off of two 700 watt heaters (any stronger and I will blow out my fuses) to keep warm. It does not keep me warm. Infact,... it is so damp and cool my fibromyalgia has completely gone out of remission and I am now fighting that too,... SEVERE PAIN.

I dont' know what I did in life to deserve such hardship. But I am too tired to continue on,... I am 63 fucking years old and have been struggling for 25 or those years. I am done,....

I am not going to spend the remainder of my life freezing in a tin can I can't affrod to heat,...

I think I tried every which way I could to escape poverty. But Canada is too far gone and I can't survive. This country has priced me right of living. And now I'm not comfortable at all. I am not retiring peacefully and happily,.... I am cold. And broke,... and can't leave my RV as I have no car or money!!!.

It's time to realize all my efforts just weren't good enough. Canada just doesn't want me to survive. They made it too hard and I got too tired. The pain alone is unbearable,.... but no health care.

Now I plan my escape,...

How sad my life has been. I wish I had never even been born.

It's time to hand in my application to MAiDs.

I tried but Canada failed me.

Taking the good with the bad

 I have been in BC for just under one month. There have been good things happening,.... and there have been frustrating things happening. I am trying to embrace the good and cope with the bad. But boy there have been days that I wanted to pack it all in and just lay down in a heap on the floor and just cry.

But my cousin (Brian) has been awesome. He has not only stepped in and been my peresonal helper but he is also my cheerleader when I get discouraged. He reminds me that these are only teething pains. All RV owners go through them. He admits mine have been a lot and definitely frustrating but he did remind me that we will get it all sorted out and things will eventually settle down.

My refridgerator died. I lost all of my groceries. I had just bought about $60 worth of meat which went bad and I had to throw out. Infact, I had to throw out 3 bags of rotten food. I now have no food in my RV as I have nowhere to put it to keep it fresh. A neighbour brought me down a small bar fridge which I am thankfully using. At least I can still have milk and cereal now. Yesterday I had to go out and order a new fridge. It's going to be close to $1000 with delivery and taxes. THAT is one purchase I was NOT expecting and really hit my bank account hard. So today I have to walk to the Brick and pay for and order a new fridge. FRUSTRATING!

I had another issue where my batteries stopped working. Leaving me with no lights or tv or wifi. That took ages to figure out and fix. I am still having other issues I can't figure out so I had to break down and call an RV Technician to come out and take a look at all of these issues I am having. At $260 an hour I feel sick having to pay that but it has to be done. 

This RV that was suppose to be 'turn-key' ready,.... wasn't. And it has cost me way more than it ever should have leaving me with a lot less money. This wasn't part of the plan!!!!!!

But I did get some good news. The RV pad right beside my cousin has become available. So I have asked to move my RV down to be beside Brian. That way we can make an outside space for the both of us to enjoy. Share our space on the outside. Get a gazebo and a barbecue and chairs and make ourselves a nice out-door living space. It has been a real advantage having Brian in  my life. He is not only kind, but very knowledgable so he is always figuring things out for me when I run into something else that broke. He has offered me his time over and over again giving up things he had planned for himself. I owe my cousing a great deal.

I am feeling better mentally today. I just reminded myself again why I moved here. There are no 'nasty' Kelly, Darrens or Marks out to purposely make my life difficult. I can be whoever I want to be here. I can go wherever I want to go here. No bored drug addicts planning revenge just becasue they are bored. That part of my life - which was really bad when I left - is now gone. I can't tell you how much stress those 3 idiots caused me back in Ontario but now I am out. I am so grateful that I never have to deal with these people ever again. And that alone is worth all the shit I am going through now.

The bad news ~ I have sunk over $5000.00 into this RV just to 'fix' shit. I used way more money than I had anticipated so now I have to go out and find a cleaning job or something as I have to make back all this money I used. If i dont,... I will run out of money by 2028 and wont be able to pay my RV pad rental. So I have no choice but to find a job to make up $3000.00 over the next year.

But BC is so beautiful! Every time I get discouraged and have a melt down,... I pick myself up and dust myself off and tell myself I am still better off in BC than I ever was in Ontario. I just have to be patient and get through all these teething pains. I had not anicipated spending so much to start up. But I have. Instead of worrying about it, I just have to get through it. Once i am through all these unexpected 'fixes' I can relax. (At least that is the hope ~ please let me have some peace here eventually to just enjoy)

Today I have to walk into town to run some errands. I walk into town almost everyday. I have nothing in my (borrowed) fridge  as I threw it all out when it went bad. So I need to buy more groceries. (But no freezer now so can't buy meat). 

Life has been a challenge here. But i think once I settle it will all be worth it. I just have to hang in there and get through it.

 This ship is sinking,....

 Things just keep going from bad to worse. Today I woke up to no battery power. No battery power means no tv or wifi or lights. I have enough wifi left to google what the problem is and it sounds like when the hot water on demand tank was installed the wire got disconnected or loosened and now isn't working. Do I call the 'un-licenced' guy in my park who installed it for me? Or do I just finally call a real RV tech at A LOT OF MONEY to come and fix it? Either way I can't do anything right now as it's 6 o'clock in the morning.

This RV is a money pit.

I dont want to live in it anymore but I have nowhere to go.

So I am sitting here at 6 in the morning,.... with no tv and nothing to do. Sitting in a tiny RV with not a damn thing to do.

What have I done? I had no choice but to leave Ontario yet I find myself in yet another struggle I can't seem to get out of.

Maybe it's time to call it a day. My end of life stuff is all bought and paid for so maybe it's just time to end it all.

I am so tired of nothing ever going right. 

I think it's time to end it all.

 I have had enough but don't know what to do.

I can't stay in this RV anymore.

I am sat here - nauseaus - from the smell but have nowhere to go.

I just want to die

PLEASE just let me die