Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU

 Maybe

 I was just not meant

 to be happy

I just need to die

I don't even know where to begin. I am not happy. I am in severe pain and I am getting no help.

I need to do laundry today. Will i do it? No. Why? Because I don't have it in me today to fill up my dirty clothes into a suitcase and walk that suitcase into town to the laundromatte. I honestly just don't have the energy. So how do I do laundry???? This has become a problem for me.

I guess I will just wear dirty clothes and smell now. :(

Living in an RV is not good for FM sufferers. My bed is a place of pain for me. Just getting in and out of it causes me such pain. Can you imagine waking up and just to get out of bed you have to endure severe pain. Not a nice way to start your day.

This RV is so small there is no room to do anything. And because of this, I am climbing over stuff to get to other stuff which is painful.

Everything about this RV causes me pain.

I HATE this fucking RV and I have made a terrible mistake.

Now I just want to die and get some relief from this fucking pain.

DIE
DIE
DIE

I hate my life and now I just need to die

I don't want this RV anymore

I don't want to live in this RV at all

But there are no other choices so I have to make a decision

And that decision is to die

I guess I was just never meant to be born,....

The thought of death is just so peaceful to me

 I have woken up a bit calmer. I think because I have made the decision and started the ball rolling. I feel such a deep exhaustion ~ a deep pain ~ that I just can't go on anymore. And making the decision to go through MAiD's has given me peace.

I know my suffering will stop soon

I love my children but they are never coming back. And them believing I am a monster is just too unbearable. So horrible I am not allowed to be part of the family - is a pain I cannot deal with. It has eaten me up inside. I go to bed every night and think about my children. I torture myself knowing they hate me.

I can't live without my children.

I can't live knowing they think I'm a monster

I feel relief having started the process to finally die,...

I am so heartbroken and in so much pain,...

How can you live in peace knowing your children think your a monster??? I can't,.... the pain of that tortures me and can no longer deal with that pain.

I am a failure

I have failed

I just need to die now

All i want to do now is die.

And the thought of death is just so peaceful to me.

The ball is rolling to start MAiDs

I know that people won't understand. But I have to do what is right for me at this point. My Pain has gotten too bad for me. I am not able to be self sufficient anymore which is very important to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and that is what I have become.

I made some phone calls today. They are sending out the MAiDs application form to me through the post as I couldn't print it out when they emailed it. I had a problem with a witness watching me fill out the form and sign it as I had noone to ask. The woman I spoke with said she would be my witness. So that problem is now sorted. 

I can't tell you how disappointed I am in Canadas health care system. It has failed me. But I am not going to spend my remaining years in agony just because my govenment can't get their act together and supply every Canadian with a family doctor. Those without have to jump through hoops for care and I am too old and tired for those hoops.

Life has not been kind or gentle for the past few years and it has destroyed my spirit. If I had my children and grandchild in my life the pain would be worth fighting through. But with noone in my life anymore,… and being isolated away in a trailer unable to go anywhere to live life,…. thats not living,… thats suffering.

Just let me end it now.

Life should never have been this way

So sad

 I have made phone calls. But apparently life is very unworthy and doesn't have a lot of value here in Canada as all I have got is the run around so far. Call this number - call that number,.... I have called about half a dozen numbers but so far - noone has called back. When you leave a message that you are 63 and in pain and can't access heaelth care in Canada so would like to go through MAiDs,... and you get the run around 

YOUR LIFE HAS NO VALUE

I can't even get help to die

I will wait for today. If noone calls me back that tells me I am an invisable piece of shit noone cares about.

I will just do it myself

RV Life is not for me and I am walking away. Taking a huge loss and walking away. I have had enough. 

I am so depressed and unhappy I can't go on.

So I am doing whatever it takes to die.

I cant eat,... I can't sleep. I am miserable because I know now there is no place for me on this planet.

I am not wanted

I am not loved

I am hated

I am a monster

I deserve to die