Maybe I need to find an abandoned house and disappear,.....

When I turned youtube on this morning, the documentary "God Knows Where I Am" popped up. I have not only seen this documentary before, but I was deeply effected by it. In Linda Bishop, the woman the documentary is about, I saw someone who felt the same way I did about society and mental illness.

Society has one answer for the mentally ill. medicate them and/or hospitalize them. I get that,... it makes life much easier for the families involved. Medicate them until they don't know what day of the week it is and the family get their peace. The person medicated is drugged,... and mechanical. When I was on meds I never, ever, ever felt well. They upset my stomach leaving me nauseous. They left me feeling like a zombie - a stepford wife. It made life easier for the family,.... but it made life empty and paralyzing for the patient.

But as long as the family is happy,... who cares that we feel like an empty vessel not even able to feel,.... thats not a life. But as long as we shut up and stop being annoying - our families will love us.

if not - then we are monsters they have to protect themselves from.

I did notice one difference in Linda Bishops life that was different from my own. Even though this woman was extemely un-well and made life hard for her family and loved ones - THEY NEVER GAVE UP OR STOPPED LOVING HER! They never pulled down the shutters leaving her out. They watched her be so destructive - yet - still loved her,...

This is what my family said to me,...

So how am I suppose to feel knowing Linda bishop was 50 times worse than i was - yet her family still loved and wanted her,....

So I must be the worlds worst monster if my family can't even see any good in me at all,.... 

I am a worthless - useless - piece of shit that doens't deserve the air I breath,.... 

I can't bear being so unloved and unwanted and actually HATED!

I just can't bear it,....

What the fuck did I do that made me feel like the worst human being that was ever born,...

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

I am so confused and hurt I just can't bear it

Jesus, take me home 

77 days and counting

April 14th. My grand-daughters birthday is sometime this week. I'm not even sure of the exact date. I can't settle. I should be packing and going to Barrie to celebrate my granddaughters birthday. But I am not wanted,...

Many years ago I received a phone call from a Toronto hospital asking if I knew a Bill Holyoak. I told her yes, he was my uncle. I had never met him, but I did know his daughter. She told me that he had died and they didn't have a next of kin to call. So I told her I would pass the details on to my cousin - which I did. But I am talking about this, as here is yet another Holyoak that died alone. Isolated,... So much so that noone even knew who to call when he died.

And this is now me. isolated and alone. 

My mother,... and my grandmother both died alone and isolated too. My Mom lived in a trailer in the mountains of BC alone with her pets. My grandmother, Ida, lingered for 15 years in a nursing home with noone visiting her. 

The Holyoak curse,... 

But the truth is I haven't felt wanted or normal since the day I was born.

I don't know what it is people want from me. I try,... but they just don't like me. It's actually quite painful. So I too, will die in isolation. Lonely and feeling like a monster.

My days are getting too hard now. Too much pain. Every time I move my body, I feel pain. Every,... single,.... move,.... it's relentless and exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

All I can say before I go is,.... I tried,... I really did try. But I don't even know what I did wrong,....

I just wish I had never even been born. What was the point???? 

Countdown to D-day,.... 77 days

I just want to die

I am never getting a doctor. I had made a bunch of calls a few weeks back in yet another attempt to get health care. Someone called me today to say there is a doctor accepting new patients,...

But it's in another town,.... and it's a male,.... and his name is so long I couldn't even pronounce it. Indian. I do not want a male doctor. I especially don't want a male indian doctor and before you go saying I am racist,... I had a very bad experience with a male indian doctor and I will never go back to another one.

THAT is what this province can offer me????? A first year doctor in antoehr town I can't even get to???? It's laughable at this point.

So I give up. I don't even want a doctor now. I am too far gone anyway. My pain is so severe I just want to die now.

If I had gotten proper help after I got hit by the car, I think I would have been ok. But not having a family doctor fucked me.

So now I just want to die.

I know the way,... I know the date,...

Fuck you Canada _ I hate that you threw me away and left me to rot on my own when i coulnd't take care fo myself anymore.

Fuck you all for leaving me to struggle

FUCK YOU!!!!!

Ontairo Housing refuses to help and I'm going to die for that

 Right now my life depends on whether I can get Darren Green evicted or not. It is clear the two of us cannot live in this building together. His raging and revenge just isn't stopping.

So I asked for a transfer and was told no. I was so upset about that as it told me that Ontario Housings rules are more important than their tenants safety. I literally told ***** that if she says no - I have a plane ticket booked June 30th to go to Vancouver to get MAids as thats how desperate I am to escape this building. 

The answer was still no.

My plane ticket still stands.

The only way I will escape this mess and not have to die to do it, is to get rid of Darren Green ~ right out of this building. And the only way I can do this is to write him up every time he smokes in his unit. And the idiot is doing it every single day - multiple times a day. He must think we are stupid if he thinks he is getting away with it. He doesn't realize that no matter how many blankets he hangs up - we can still smell it!! And his coughing fit while doing it is another dead give away. He is walking right into my hands,...

Darren Green underestimates me. He does not realize that my life literally depends on him getting evicted,... and I will not stop trying until the day I board that plane to Vancouver to end my life.

If I'm ending my life to escape this place,....?? I'm taking that asshole who caused all the problems with me.

If I have to die - HE is going to be homeless.

The absolute only way I will not end my life, is if Darren Green is evicted or Ontario Housing come to their senses and realize I WILL commit suicide if they don't transfer me out of here.

My life literally depends on getting Darren green evicted,...

What a horrible system I live in that to protect myself I have to either die or evict another person and make them homeless.

This life sucks 

If only Housing would help,... none of this would be happening

 My days are so empty now. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. My heart is empty. My life is empty.

tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... the hands on the clock move so slowly. Minutes feel like hours,... hours feel like days,... time seems to stand still. Boredom eats away at my brain like an itch. I can't settle. I can't seem to sit still. In between shows on the tv I get up and pace. 

pace,... pace,... pace,...

I have no human contact anymore. My choice. Safer this way. But the lonliness,... the lonliness overwhelms you. My chest hurts,... aches,... 

Every inch of my body wants to lay down and die,...

Medical Assisatance in Dying is nothing but a scam ~ they dont intend on helping anyone die

 Ontario MAiDs si nothing but a scam. I just called them and told them my story but she didn't even really listen . I could tell she was just waiting for me to stop talking so she could give me the 'speel'. They had no intention of helping me die. She instead told me to go to my local walk-in and ask for a referrl to a fibromyalgia specialist,....

WTF? She has never met me and didn't even listen to my story,.... they are told to start with pain relief and do 5 years of specialists before they will even consider MAiDS. Where are all of these people who are complaining because MAiDs is killing everyone who asks?????? Not here!!!! Not in Ontario,.... I have now tried 3 times and been denied.

Who the fuck are they to be GOD and decide who gets it and who doesn't,.... 

I told her to forget it I'll do it myself,...

How fucking dare they????? 

MAiDs is a fucking joke

I fly to BC now and take a fatal overdose

FUCK YOU MAIDS

To my Family,... 

All I ever wanted was to be loved and wanted.

But you guys never wanted me. Even after I got you girls back, you kept our relationship at arms length never fully letting me in. It was like you were scared of me. I have never hit or abused either of you girls. Infact I have never even yelled or raised my voice to you. Yet, somehow,... I became the monster mother.

I did not feel close to you girls ever again after your father stole you from me. You don't agree but I KNOW you were persuaded by the opinions of your father, his wife, and your Uncle and Aunt. It was very, very sutle but their influence was there whether you saw it or not. 

I was mentally ill but tried my best. I was punished for being mentally ill.

As a mother we LIVE for our children. And without my children, I felt I had no life. Yet all you girls and my so called 'family' could do was say,... "all you talk about is Maids and dying. We're tired of it so just do it already,..." That seems to be your attitude.

But your completely missing the whole point. I dont' have you girls in my life and it has killed me. Without my children ~ and remember ~ I have already buried two ~ I don't see the point of living. Life is about family but my family abandoned me. 

If you girls were in my life ~ sincerely ~ meaning you actually liked me, and wanted to be around me (which has not been the case) then I would not feel the need to die. I would be happy and fulfilled, as I would have my dream. My girls,... my family.

But you both rejected me. And without my children ~ and knowing the situation will never change (You all certainly made that clear) then I no longer wish to be alive. What for?

Pain,... poverty,... lonliness,... being rejectred and hated?????

So you all need to know that I wouldn't feel the need to die if someone just loved me,....

but noone does,... you girls don't even like me.

SO THAT is why,....

To me the only reason for living is family,... and without one I just don't care to be alive.

So dont' turn around and say "We tried to help but she wouldnt' listen to us" because that will be bullshit.

YOU wouldnt even answer your phones,.... you hated me 

I was just an annoying interference in your lives. And I will go to my grave knowing my own children HATED me.

Why was I even fucking born????????

So your off the hook. You can turn around and justify my death any way you want. But the truth is you rejected me and I couldn't handle it. 

I have been hanging around - waiting - but your not coming back

so it's definitely time to just die

The horrible mentally ill monster just needs to die

Good riddence to a worthlessm invisable piece of shit

Have a nice life girls,....

I do love you ~ but you didn't love me back,....

Justify it all you want to but I wanted you - YOU didn't want me.

I was only good for a place to get sober when noone else would take you. I TOOK YOU  IN and you still hated me,....

I couldn't win for trying.

Noone will ever understand how it feels to be so hated,....

I just need to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!