Friday, October 8, 2021

 Today has been the worst day yet. 

DON'T want to be here

Just feel totally hollow


M******* was suppose to come and pick me up and drive me back to Barrie today for Thanksgiving. But that is a 6 - 8 hour round trip and I just can't let her do that. WAY too much driving just so I can have dinner there. I feel like such a burden. If I need anything,... I have to put others out. I can't do anything for myself so I have to rely on the good nature of others to help. It makes me feel like a FUCKING BURDEN!

For me to live - I have to rely on others. I can't accept that. I have some pride. 

I need kitty litter. I can't get it myself. I don't have a car. So now I have to phone someone and ask for their help. To the point where all I feel like I do is ask people for help. I am a MOOCH. I am THAT person now. The one who only phones when they need something. 

I am a burden!!!!!

THAT is why I have cut everyone out of my life now. Because I would rather have people think of me as a bitch who ignored them ~ than be THAT person who is the mooch. I'd rather be alone than have people think of me as the mooch.

So good-bye Michelle,... Hayley,.... and anyone else in my life who USED to be in it. You have all been banished to a life where you no longer have to deal with my "issues" anymore. You have all been set free,...

And as usual,.... I am left alone to cope and struggle alone as I always have.

But at least I will fail alone and not bring anoyne down with me,

I hate you world. I hate what you have done to me. I hate how I am nothing but a loser and a mooch.


Tuesday, October 5, 2021

I can feel myself giving up,... again,....

Today has been a bad day. It's damp and foggy outside. My body is in pain. I can barely walk. I have spent most of the day stoned playing my computer game. It's a sad life. I bought mushrooms yesterday. "Golden teacher". I've never done mushrooms before. I have been reading up on them so I am not going into this impulsively. Marijanna is good. But I have developed a tolerance for it now. I barely get high anymore and it's not helping the pain like it used to. I need something more.

I just don't want to be sober anymore. It's too sad. Every day I wake up to the same nothingness. Theres nothing to look forward to. Just more hours to try and fill. More things to find to distract your mind. But it's not working. It's not enough. I need more. 

I just want to float inside my head with nothing but nothingness. Life is just too hard now. I can't escape it physically,... So I guess I have to escape it mentally.  The beauty of it is, I don't even care if I die. That would just be an added bonus. My real plan of course is to get my hands on some fentanyl and take a fatal hot shot. Quick. But where does one find this drug? I live in a small town. I know it's here somewhere but I'm not in that culture so I wouldn't know where to start looking. But I will figure it out. If I have to hang around the worst apartment complex in town I will,... If I have to hitch a ride into Guelph and find it there,... I will. I am determined. I WILL find some. (and feel free to help me if you can,...)

But in the meantime,... I am just not willing to endure this world sober anymore. It's just too damn sad. So everyday I vape,... smoke,... bong,... dab,... whatever I can get my hands on. Whatever and however much I can take,.... I just need to always remain high.

Friday, October 1, 2021

 I've made a decision tonight,....

I am no longer helping myself. I am no longer accepting any help from anyone . Not the food bank. Not transportation. No one. If I can't do it for myself,... buy it for myself,... then I won't have it.

I'm done being fucking humiliated going cap in hand to others just to live. So I am no longer going to do it. If I can't afford it,... I don't buy it. (Food) If I can't walk there. I don't go. No more phoning volunteers just to get a god damn ride to appointments. No more going to the food bank to see what I am allowed to eat that month. (By the way,... you don't even get a months wortth of food) No more going to ANY medical appointments. If I can't walk there. I don't go anymore. I'm not asking one more person to help me.

I am NOBODY's fucking burden. If I can't live independently without help. Then I guess I just starve to death.

And I have been told I cannot die. Well,... nice of you to forbid me this while you all sit in your ivory cages. FINE! You won't let me die. Then I do NOTHING to help myself live.

NO MORE BLOOD PRESSURE medication. No more doctors appointments. No more tests. No more drugs. No more nothing. I will do NOTHING to lift a finger to help myself live another fucking minute in this life I hate. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. So the quickest way to die is to just get so sick and frail and hungry that you perish. And therefore that is exactly what I plan to do.

No more help.

This world thinks I'm good enough to throw away for $1,169.00 a month? That I don't matter? That I don't deserve to be independent? That just because I am SICK then I'm not important enough? Then don't expect me to hang around in this prison you have made me. I'd rather starve to death than let my care be reliant on the generosity of others. If I can't care for myself? Then I just don't get care at all,.... Until I die.

And because of this,... I have cut every single person out of my life. Why? Because I am going down. And I'd rather do it alone with no one watching. I have cut out Michelle and Hayley. Everyone! Because I do have some pride. No one is going to watch me disintigrate into a nothing that society threw away. Like always,... I will do it alone.

Thursday, September 30, 2021

How did I get here?

 I'm trying. But,... life just isn't fun. I exist. I don't live. I exist.

The money that **** gave me is running out. I have been stock piling things. Toilet paper,... kleenix,... shampoo,... soap,.... everything I will need in the future but will no longer be able to afford now that I am on ODSP. I am striving to have a stockpile of 5 of everything. That way I know I have a few years to coast until everything is gone And when that happens? I don't know. 

I have been trying to live on the allotted $1,169.00 a month. But I can't. It's not possible. When I lost my spousal support,... my friend **** drove down from Wasaga beach during a lockdown to give me $10,000.00. An EXTREMELY generous gift. Her and her husband wanted me to have my rent paid for one year so I could ease my way into this new ODSP hell. Not wanting to affect my ODSP she had to give me cash under the table. With this money,... I put $100 each in individual envelopes and labelled them a different week. I wanted to have $100 a week to spend on groceries and things I needed. But of course, life got hard really, really quickly. I was dipping into those envelopes at an alarming rate. What had originally expanded well into the new year of 2022,... has now dwindled down to less than half. I am well stocked up,... but,... it has definitely shown me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on what I should only have. IT CANNOT BE DONE. Without ****'s generous gift of that $10,000 I would already be starving.

**** you are an angel. You say you wanted to help like it was no big deal. But the gift of that money SAVED MY LIFE and SAVED ME FROM BEING EVICTED. You will never know just how grateful I am. 

But to be honest,... It has just slowed down the inevitable. What happens when this money runs out and I have nothing.

What happens then?

I am scared. I am terrified. Because I know I will not have enough to eat and cloth myself and be able to survive. Who says modern day Canada is a privilege to live in? Because from where I sit,.... I feel like I have been thrown away. 

I am no longer useful to society being disabled and unable to work so I got thrown away. Disposable. No longer wanted or needed. And very few cared. It really did show me how little this society cares about others. As long as YOU get what you need in life,... to hell with others. 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to be alive anymore. I want to leave this life. Theres nothing left here for me anymore. I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting my hands on some fentanyl. One quick hot shot and \it could all be over. You know your ready when that sentence only leaves you feeling relieved. I am so ready to leave this unfair and unjust world. I just have to find the courage and the fentanyl.

Saturday, September 25, 2021

 I woke up sad this morning. I feel empty. I didn't wake up until noon. No reason to get up anymore. I try and waste my time by sleeping.

But now I am awake. Sad. hurt. And feeling empty.

I hate my life and just want to die in my sleep

Friday, September 24, 2021

 I'm so mad,....

This one IS for the ‘friend’ who got so uptight and mad about my comment I made on Facebook.

I said,… “The middle class have no idea how much easier they have it than the poor,…” Wow,… did I get messaged back with a “I didn’t like that comment,… **** and * work very hard for what we have,…. blah,…blah,…fucking blah,…”

Obviously she didn’t even stop to actually read and process what I wrote. I wasn’t even talking about her. I was talking about,….

And now for my last final rant because I am seriously done.

I have been trying over the past few months to get things. Just random things,…. Amazon Prime. Sign up through ROKU and everything is hunky dory until the month end. They cancelled my subscription because I need a credit card to pay for it. (Being told NO) I called customer service and told them I have a $200 Amazon gift card and I will pay for a two year subscription with it – NO,… YOU NEED A CREDIT CARD. So NO Amazon Prime. Do you know you can’t even sign up for Itunes without a credit card? EVERYTHING you do now needs a credit card.

Obviously I don’t have one. I’m poor. I live in fucking poverty.

Tonight I go to Walmart and try and see about a new cheaper phone service. I wait the standard half hour while the ONE person deals with other customers. Finally he gets to me. We talk and pick a new phone and plan that will be cheaper and have more data, etc,… AND I would get $350.00 in Walmart gift cards. I wait forever while he sets me up. Um,… do you have a credit card? here we go,…. No. So he decides he can accept my drivers license and my social insurance number (which I’m sure is illegal to ask for as id) and he seems happy. uh oh,… your drivers license expired 18 DAYS AGO. So we can’t accept it. Well you can imagine my reaction to that. I pled with him. I ask to talk to a supervisor (none on site) nothing. And now,… madder than hell,… I have to WALK back home.

I walked away with no phone. AND ~ not able to get one anywhere. Ever. I am so mad I could spit. This isn’t the first or the second or even the third time I have been told NO you can’t have it ~ all because I don’t have a credit card or drivers license. I can’t sign up with the ride-well transportation service which is geared to low-income people because I don’t have a credit card.

I’m so fed up. I have given up EVERYTHING. Soccer. Ancestry,… everything I enjoyed. I have nothing left. And everywhere I go now I am being told NO ~ You can’t have that.

All because your so fucking poor you don’t even have a credit card or a drivers license (can’t afford to renew and why should I? I don’t drive anymore) This world is so unfair to people in poverty. We do not get the advantages that the middle class get. Driving,…. disposable income,…. hobbies,… holidays,.. CREDIT CARDS. Everything is easily accessible for most of the middle class. But if your poor,… you don’t get to have anything. If this doesn’t make me feel singled out and punished I don’t know what does.

I feel like a low life piece of shit who has to rely on everything I get or do from someone else.

My food ~ the food bank

transportation ~ volunteers

shopping ~ WALK even in winter even when I’m in severe pain. I walk.

My life is fucking hard. And for her to compare her life to mine is laughable. She goes on holidays worth more than I get a month. She has no concept of no groceries in your apartment. She has no concept of needing to go to hospital in the middle of the night but don’t have a car so have to phone an ambulance. I now have four $45.00 bills I can’t pay and creditors after me for it.

Why am I still here? Why? Can anyone give me one good reason to stick around. Cuz aside from Michelle who will be heartbroken but will get over it,… (and I only see 3 or 4 times a year anyway,…) I have nothing to live for. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No money to go there. No car to get there. Just sit in my apartment day after day after fucking day. I can’t do it. It’s not a life. It’s a bloody existence and a hard one at that. Why should I continue this struggle? It’s been 21 years of nothing but struggle. And now on ODSP it’s gotten incredibly worse. Every month I lose something else I can’t pay for.

My life is now empty. Completely empty. What is my purpose? I don’t have one. I’m just wasting air

And so,... this is it for me. Nothing but a life of struggle and poverty.

 I am depressed. Actually,... I don't know if it's actual depression or if it's my situation. I just know I am not getting by on this ODSP $1,169.00 a month. Living on that amount is impossible. And more to the  point,... why should I? I didn't ask to be disabled. I didn't ask for Fibromyalgia. I didn't ask to be mentally ill. But because of these things no one wants me and I was thrown away.

Just the thought that no one seems to want me and I was thrown away to the wolves to fend for myself is enough to depress anyone.

But now add that for the rest of my life I have to live in poverty. POVERTY. And why? What did I do that was so terrible in this life that for the past 20 years I have done nothing but struggle. When do I get to rest. When do I get to enjoy? I don't. This is it for me. Poverty and depression.

I don't think I'm going to be hanging around for a whole lot longer.

There is zero JOY.  Just struggle and depression.