I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care

I guess I wasn't worth saving to anyone in this country

It's four o'clock in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I have given up trying and put the coffee on. I have a headache. I took my blood pressure. Very high. I should be calling 911. But I am not.

My life has not been good for years and years and years,....

I just hope I finally have a heart attack and die.

If I can't get health care,....

then lets hope tonight is the night that I finally have a heart attack and die.

I'm so tired of trying to get help.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy and undeserving in my life,...

I guess I just wasn't worth saving,.....

Canada is allowing me to die and not giving me help so FUCK CANADA!

My blood pressure is out of control again. My BP monitor broke from the move so I haven't been checking my blood pressure. But the past week or so I have had a pressure headache so I knew something was going on. Yesterday my cousin drove me to Walmart so I could buy a BP monitor. Theres another $70 wasted on stuff I hadn't budgeted for putting me behind even more.

It's DANGEROUSLY high again!!!

But this time,... I am not seeking help. Because this here is the cycle that I am in with no health care. I get severly high BP. I call an ambulance,... I go to hospital and get a BP perscription and go home. When that subscription runs out ~ I have to climb Mount Everestt to renew it. Walk an hour to walk in and then an hour back home. 

I am too old to do this anymore.

So I have made the decision to let myself DIE.

Health care is just too hard to access.

So roll on heart attack,.....

I can't wait to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!

And Canada ~ your badly run country just killed another one.

And YOU don't even care,.....

DUCK CANADA as you have literally allowed me to die!!!!!

Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU

 Maybe

 I was just not meant

 to be happy

I just need to die

I don't even know where to begin. I am not happy. I am in severe pain and I am getting no help.

I need to do laundry today. Will i do it? No. Why? Because I don't have it in me today to fill up my dirty clothes into a suitcase and walk that suitcase into town to the laundromatte. I honestly just don't have the energy. So how do I do laundry???? This has become a problem for me.

I guess I will just wear dirty clothes and smell now. :(

Living in an RV is not good for FM sufferers. My bed is a place of pain for me. Just getting in and out of it causes me such pain. Can you imagine waking up and just to get out of bed you have to endure severe pain. Not a nice way to start your day.

This RV is so small there is no room to do anything. And because of this, I am climbing over stuff to get to other stuff which is painful.

Everything about this RV causes me pain.

I HATE this fucking RV and I have made a terrible mistake.

Now I just want to die and get some relief from this fucking pain.

DIE
DIE
DIE

I hate my life and now I just need to die

I don't want this RV anymore

I don't want to live in this RV at all

But there are no other choices so I have to make a decision

And that decision is to die

I guess I was just never meant to be born,....