Had a total melt down

I hit my wall last night. I have had a break down. I just can't do this one more day. 

I am fucking freezing! But I dont dare use my propane as I am rationing it for showers and dishes and brushing my teeth. I am scared it will run out while I am in the shower and then the water will go icy cold instantly. I am so afraid of that I am not showering everyday anymore. I shower every 2 or 3 days now. And when you are wearng 2 and 3 layers of clothes to keep warm,... you sweat and smell bad.

So I was sat there cold and smelling bad. I lost it. I threw things around,... I had a good vent. But now the vent is over and I am just left completely numb and empty.

My life has just disintegrated.

So now I have ONE thing on my mind. DYING

I am so heartbroken - numb - empty,..... all I can think of is DYING

So I somehow have to find the energy to get dressed and walk into town and look for fentanyl.

I am DONE! A person can only take so much.

maybe my blood pressure will finally kill me today

Maybe God will take pity on me and with my blood pressure like this maybe I'll have a heart attack and die today kindest thing that could ever f****** happen

I seriously just don't know what to do

I give up

I feel like I am entering the end of my life. It's a general feeling throughout my whole being. Lately my thoughts have moved from the problems in my life that I can't seem to solve,... to a quiet acquiescene of acceptance that my life has been a failure and it's disintigrating right before my eyes.

And noone sees me falling so noone is coming to save me

And resigning to this downfall has left me melancholy. Reflective,... Because no matter how I view my life,... it wasn't a good life.

My mental illness (that noone ever let me forget I had) took everything and everyone from me. I didn't fit into this society and no matter where I was in my life ~ I felt it. I could feel people knew I was different. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in - I was different - and not in a good way. 

I just didn't seem to know how to fit it. And this has left me with an existential rejection that leaves me feeling such deep sorrow and sadness that I feel physical pain in my chest. A heartache that won't stop.

My family sees me as a monster. They don't use that word but in putting up a wall and not allowing me in has left me feeling like one. And this feeling I don't know what to do with. The over-powering pain is so deep it has changed me into a recluse who is afraid to even meet people as I know I will just eventually do something wrong and they will leave.

I am always alone.

And this has left me feeling something I can't even put into words. A deep lonliness,... a deep longing for loved ones who don't even want to try to 'like' you. Your just a mentally ill annoyance that ruined their lives,... you apologize but they don't want you back. What more could I have done?

I was not suppose to be born. I was a mistake after two teenagers got pregnant on New Years Eve 1962. Noone wanted me. I came about by accident. And I have felt 'not wanted' for the rest of my life. The only great years were my childhood with the Morgan family. From the time they adopted me at a year and a half old, to around 13 or 14. That was such a great time for me. It was the only time I felt uncondionally loved and actually wanted. It was probobly the only time I felt safe. 

But it didn't last. 

As an adult I was like a gypsy wandering through life. I have moved 24 times,... I have lived all over Ontario before I ended up here in British Columbia. But I could never put down real roots anywhere as I never felt I belonged. I always had that 'feeling' that noone really liked me. I can't tell you how awful that feeling is to never 'be good enough' and eventually dumped and abandoned. I have been dumped by so many people in life I can't help but feel like a monster.

So why would I continue to struggle. My RV is going to need $1000 just to fix all these issues. To make it insulated enough for me not to be cold anymore. BUT THE MONEY IS ALL GONE! I just wear 2 or 3 layers of clothes and winter hats and gloves. It's not fun and I hate it. 

But damn is it cold in here,..... brrrrrrr,.....

I make so many phone calls looking for help but I just get the run around. "We can't help with that but maybe this number can,..." but they can't. And so I spend my days feeling like an invisable ghost that noone sees.

How can you feel any self worth when the world thinks your a monster who is too horrible to even let me see my grandchild,...

I feel nothing but self hatred 

If my family don't even care that I am struggling,.... then what am I struggling for? They not only don't want to know _ they hope I fail so they can be 'right',... so sad,...

I am a soul that was never meant to be born. And because I was, I had no place. I never fit in anywhere,....

Noone saw any good in me - just a monster. 

And that has left a pain so deep,... I just can't bear it.

There was never a place for me on this planet and I always felt it.

It was not a nice feeling at all. And it never went away,...

 

I have never felt more invisable and unworthy in my life

 

I am sitting here in two layers of clothes,... a thick fluffy housecoat,...a winter hat,... slippers with wool socks and I am still cold,....

FUCK THIS SHIT

I didn't get my MAiDs application as the woman had the wrong address. She phoned me this morning. I didn't like her. She just blamed me for the mistake. Then she went on about we didn't have your phone number. You MUST leave your phone number! Obviously I thought I had but must not have. But here I am trying to access DYING! And she is repromanding me for asking for the application wrong,...

I give up

So as this poster says,...... If noone is coming to save me,... then it means noone is coming to stop me,.... and what I do from here on in is a necissity after being invisable to this country.

I got fed up of waiting to be seen and heard 

Now I just do it and they can all go to hell

I do it my way now ~ I asked for help and waited five years- noone came

I am so invisable to this world I can't even access MAiDs. I have tried everything but I am invisable to this world. They said they would send out an application 3 weeks ago. NO APPLICATION.

I have tried for 5 years to get MAiDs but noone takes me seriously. I am invisable. I have called every number given to me but every number failed me. Just said they couldn't help and gave me another number,.... I TRIED!!!!!

So forget MAiDs ~ If i dont'exist to them either then I take matters into my own hands and I do what I have to do to get pain relief.

FUCK YOU WORLD for letting me suffer alone. 

Not sure what more I could have done to get help. BUT EVRYONE failed me.

I'm done

I do it MY WAY NOW

I am freezing but I guess I'm to fend for myself

I am freezing! I wear three layers of clothes with a winter hat and gloves and I am STILL COLD! And once the cold gets into my bones I am done. Amd it has,.... 

I am in so much pain I am fucking miserable

I am rationing my propane to only showers and dishes. Once it runs out I have NO HEAT and NO HOT WATER and that will be any day now. So I am afraid to take a shower for fear the propane will run out while I am in it. And once it does,... the water is ICY COLD and there is no way to shower in it.

So I am sitting here counting down the days until I go from freezing to NO HEAT AT ALL!!!!!!!

And then what do I do??? I am fucked. Superior Propane won't pick up their tank until I pay their extortion fee of nearly $600. This is never going to happen as I dont'' have that money.

All of my money is GONE

And I am living back in severe poverty. One hamburger a day and two bowls of ceral,.... thats my groceries.

But as for the past few days? I can't get warm,.... and winter hasn't even started yet,....

This is INHUMANE!!!!!!

What I do from this day on is nobodies business.

I asked for help,.... none came,....

Now I do what I need to do to find peace