What happened to Canada that left me invisable

I am waiting for my Walmart grocery order to be delivered. I have no car. I have always had to rely on delivery for food since I lost my car. But this is where being poor is so expensive. If I had a car I would have paid $156.00 total. But because I am poor and don't have a car, I had to pay a lot extra 

    *******************

$1.00 bag fee

$3.51 additional fee (doesn't even tell you what it's for!)

$8.97 delvery fee from store

$8.65 driver tip

$5.00 (cash) for driver at door

$27.13 Total ~ just because I don't have a car and needed delivery

    *********************************

He just arrived and dropped everything off. The delivery guy was very nice and helpful which is why I gave him a five dollar bill in cash. I don't know if Walmart actually gives the drivers their tips so if they are good deliveries I give them cash too. Afterall, they are just trying to earn a living too.

So if your poor and have no transportation your groceries will cost you $27.13 more. 

My laundry has gone up from $2.50 a load to $11.00 or up to $20 a load.

Groceries here are much more expensive than I ever anticipated. Whether this is the same all across Canada right now due to the tariffs and bad economy, or just here on the island, I don't know. But suddenly groceries have become a luxury for me. In that $156 of my MONTHLY shop, I still don't have enough to eat for a month. I will be living off of milk and cereal and hamburgers. Like I have for the past 3 or 4 years. 

Now that I have bought everything for the month on my budget, I can see I am in trouble. I went $400 in the hole last month due to unexpected costs. And we are only half way through October and I am already over $300 in the hole. This is telling me that the cost of living here is more than I can afford. 

I am going into the red every month by hundreds of dollars. At this rate I will be deeply in debt by the time I turn 65 and get my benefits to top me up to a livable monthly wage.

Canada has priced me right out of living!!!!

And with Superior propane scamming $600 more dollars which they are extorting me now. They are refusing to come and pick up their tank. It sits right infront of my RV. My cousin asked them not to put it there when they delivered it as my RV couldn't get out if there was a fire. They refused to put it anywhere else but exactly infront of my RV. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! If you don't pay they extort you,....

Pay or you can't move your RV or get propane from someone else. Now I have no heat or hot water once this tank runs out,...

It's like the world thinks I'm on this planet to be scammed,... conned,... bullied,...

I just can't take it anymore. WAY too much to deal with right now and I am not doing well. Pain,... money problems,.... can't find health care,... no car,... isloated in a tin can everyday going out of my mind with boredom. This is not living,....

Goint to Vancouver Whitecaps games is living,...

Getting to drive around and see the Island and all it's beauty is living,...

Having my daughters in my life and my grandchild is living,...

Being able to go where you want when you want and to afford it is living,...

But this???? This being completely isolated inside all day is NOT LIVING. It is surviving,.... it is not even existing, it is surviving. And surviving is fucking exhausting right now.

I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I am so numb inside that I can't even feel anymore. FROZEN

What the fuck happened to Canada that I am fucking invisable 

Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable

I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care

I guess I wasn't worth saving to anyone in this country

It's four o'clock in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I have given up trying and put the coffee on. I have a headache. I took my blood pressure. Very high. I should be calling 911. But I am not.

My life has not been good for years and years and years,....

I just hope I finally have a heart attack and die.

If I can't get health care,....

then lets hope tonight is the night that I finally have a heart attack and die.

I'm so tired of trying to get help.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy and undeserving in my life,...

I guess I just wasn't worth saving,.....

Canada is allowing me to die and not giving me help so FUCK CANADA!

My blood pressure is out of control again. My BP monitor broke from the move so I haven't been checking my blood pressure. But the past week or so I have had a pressure headache so I knew something was going on. Yesterday my cousin drove me to Walmart so I could buy a BP monitor. Theres another $70 wasted on stuff I hadn't budgeted for putting me behind even more.

It's DANGEROUSLY high again!!!

But this time,... I am not seeking help. Because this here is the cycle that I am in with no health care. I get severly high BP. I call an ambulance,... I go to hospital and get a BP perscription and go home. When that subscription runs out ~ I have to climb Mount Everestt to renew it. Walk an hour to walk in and then an hour back home. 

I am too old to do this anymore.

So I have made the decision to let myself DIE.

Health care is just too hard to access.

So roll on heart attack,.....

I can't wait to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!

And Canada ~ your badly run country just killed another one.

And YOU don't even care,.....

DUCK CANADA as you have literally allowed me to die!!!!!

Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU