Come on Canada, I just lived on $16,022 for the whole entire year. No wonder I just want to die

Things have been grim. I feel as if I have been couped up in this apartment for years! It's only been the winter months but it seems to be the longest and coldest winter I can remember. Roll on spring,... I NEED to get outside! But even as I write this, it is raining out. And the temperature is dropping turning everything into ice. I won't be going out today.

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day. I actually did get outside. It was cold and damp but I just needed fresh air desperately. So I knocked on my 'bodyguards' door and we went out to the gazebo for a few minutes of fresh air. 

I finally got my taxes done yesterday. I am not by nature a procrastinator. But when it comes to my annual government taxes, I drag my feet and usually don't get them done until the last minute. There really easy for me. I own nothing,... and I live in abject poverty. So just as I figured,... I owe nothing,... I get nothing back,.... nil. I will take it. As long as I don't owe ~ I will just accept it.

But get this. In case anyone reading this blog wonders just how poverty stricken I am???? My annual income for the ENTIRE YEAR was,....

$16,022.00

And every person in Ontario on ODSP lived the same. It's a horrible thing to say and I never thought I would ever say this,... but thank God I got hit by a car two years ago as that is the only way I am surviving. And I am not surviving well,... I am just getting by. Infact,.. now that I have run out of the money I had from my settlement I am starting to hurt again. I did my monthly budget for April and already the money is all spent with nothing left over for groceries. I will either have to borrow from my cash I have saved up for my trip in June ~ or go to the food bank. 

Come on Canada!!!!!! Who can live on $16,022 a year.

No wonder people are using MAiDs at an alarming rate in this country. I WISH I WAS ONE OF THEM! I am so sick of poverty. So sick of having to walk everywhere,... so sick of no doctor,.... I am so sick of my life. Because this isn't a life

This is just surviving and not even barely,... I pray every morning with my coffee: "Please God,... I have had enough. Please just give me a heart attack and let me go,... I just can't cope with this life anymore,.... PLEASE just let me die and come home"

I am not coping

Today has just been a frustrating mess. I have broken down. I spend most of my days crying now. Watching tv and breaking down at every sad thing I see. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They rule me. And I seem to flip back and forth between severe sadness and anger. My tv and soundbar have been testing me. Every single time I turn on my tv - it doesn't work. I have to rip all the cords out to get everything to start up all over again - it's so maddening. EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch tv I have to fight with this. The second I turn my tv off - I lose the setting and the soundbar and it takes un-plugging,.... re-hooking up to the wi-fi (which is a pin in the fucking ass) WHY????? Why is everything I bought brand new Broken? I HATE THIS TV AND SOUNDBAR. I end up raging every morning tryng to get it to hook back up. Just that causes me to start my day so badly I can't recover and I spend my day angry,... sad,... hating life,.... This is not a way to live,... I am miserable.

While going by Darren's apartment during my laps I can smell he is blatantly smoking in there. I am worried. He knows it is me that got his priviledge revoked. And word through the grapevine is he couldn't get out to the gazebo fast enough to let everyone know! And he's not happy about it,... and when Darren Green is raging,... I am not safe. He will not forget about this as his life is so empty he has nothing else to do but sit in his boiling anger and get rager and rager until he loses it,.... I don't want to know what that looks like. I am so sick and tired of Darren fucking Green that I just want out of here.

I NEED out of here. And sadly there is only one way to escape this life and that is death....

I pray to God to give me a heart attack and let me end this suffering. But he doesn't hear me. 

The pain is getting worse. Unbearably worse and I am struggling to cope.

I am not coping

I just need to die

Canada's economy is so poor it represents a "Human Rights Crisis" I'm scared I'm not going to make it,....

I have been in crisis pretty much since covid way back in 2020. Canada has been declining and the people at the bottom of the ladder are the ones feeling it the most. Here in Ontario that would be the people on OW (Ontario Works) and ODSP (Ontario Disability). We are given so little that a lot of us don't even get basic needs. We are really, really struggling,....

I have felt it for awhile now. And I have to honestly say that if I had not been hit by a car two years ago and received a small settlement ~ I would be homeless right now. I do not bring in enough to pay rent, bills and groceries. I have to dip into my 'settlement' fund to get groceries. Once my bills and rent are paid there is NOTHING left for food. how sad is this country when getting hit by a car saved me,.... BUT,... that money is no longer there. It has run out,.... now I am scared. (I did put a small amount into a GIC but it doesn't mature until the fall and I can't touch it until then ~ but at least it is there for the future) 

I just heard that my CPP is going up 2%. A nice little break for us getting a few dollars more a month. But then I discovered that I don't get that raise. Why? Because people on ODSP are NEVER allowed to make more than $1408.00 a month. My total income comes from ODSP and CPP. With this 'raise' ~ I lose out becasue ODSP will just 'absorb' it and I still only get $1408 a month. WHY???? Inflation and the exorbitant cost of groceries right now effects me too!! CPP saw that we needed a raise due to this struggle with every bill we have right now and gave us a 2% raise. They gave it to us as WE NEED IT!

So why can't I have it,...? And that is what is wrong with this country and province right now. 

I am not exagerating ~ if I hadn't had a few extra bucks in the bank from my settlement, I would have LOST THIS APARTMENT months ago due to not being able to pay the rent. But ODSP still believes we all have enough and refuse to give us our raise from CPP.

This just stinks!!!!

Our groceries here in Canada right now are so highly priced I am eating HALF of what I used to. It's all I can afford in my budget. My settlement money has run out now and I am now starting back on my tight $1408 a month. That means living off of cereal, hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. I am so sick of eating the same cheap shit every day I could scream. How I would love fruit and veg,... and meat! I haven't had a roast beef dinner ~ my favourite meal ever ~ in about 10 years!!!!! YEARS!!!!! But those days are now gone,.... we are back to rationing cheap shit food I can barely afford. 

No groceries,...

No doctor,...

No fucking life,... 

WHO the fuck can live on $1408 a month. 

If you dont' think this country is in CRISIS ~ especially for the poor ~ you need to see this video. 

SHOCKING!

Please watch this video as our country is literally falling apart.

And us here on the bottom will fall first and hardest,... 

I AM SCARED I WON'T MAKE IT

FIFA is coming!

 It's yet another frosty day here in Ontario. I am starting to think this snow and cold is never going away. Longest winter ever,...

The kittens had me up at four o'clock again this morning. It doesn't bother me. I have no set hours or schedule. I sleep when I'm tired. I just made my coffee and turned on the tv to start my day. 

Youtube is a funny thing where you don't plan on watching anything, your topic sort of pics itself. Anyone who watches YT knows that you can go down a rabbit hole on one topic so easily. You don't plan what that topic is - the algorithum does. 

This morning turned out to be a day of football. As anyone knows I am a hige footy fan. I follow multiple teams on multiple leagues. Over the years, football has kept me sane. And 2026 is a big year as FIFA has rolled around once again. The tournament doesn't start until June, but I already know all I need to know before it gets here. And Youtube is a wealthy resource for finding out about anything FIFA.

It's going to be interesting this year as it will be played in both Toronto (where I live) and Vancouver - where I will be vacationing while it's on. If I wasn't poor, I could actually go to a game!! One in each city! What a life-long dream that is. But, as usual for world events the cost is so high that most middleclass folk can't afford it. But if I am in BC while it is on, then the sports bars will have tons of stuff playing. I will be able to find a game almost anywhere. I won't be there at BC Place,... but I will be in a bar close by able to absorb all the crazy atmosphere. My cousins are not soccer fans. But they might be by the time I leave. (or sick of it)

This weekend is also the season opener for the MLS. I have given up on Toronto FC. But I have been following Miami. One of my Manchester United idols owns Inter Miami and I have organically moved over there just with my interested in how this is going for him. I of course speak of David Beckham. And in following his career, I have grown a soft spot for Miami. So, maybe time to buy pink shirts instead of Torontos red?? The good news is that Apple has cancelled their (expensive - seperate) MLS app and is now just incorporating the games into the regular Apple tv subscription, which is much cheaper and I already have it. So I will be able to watch MLS games again this year.

My life is so boring and empty. Football gives me something to look forward to. Right now I am hitting the gold spot of football. We are still finishing up the Premier League (Manchester United) with MLS just starting. And FIFA is just around the corner.

Now,... I have something I love to look forward to. 

 

 

I want the 1970's back

I am a baby boomer. Born in 1963. I look back with nothing but fondness when I remember my 1970's childhood. I loved the serene 'no internet ~ no devices' era. And as I grow older, I am becoming more and more disillusioned with this modern world.

My rant all started because I received an email from Tiktok saying someone had tried to log into my account. Normally these are scammers but looking at the email it came from and then googling it,... I realized it was real. 

But I deleted my Tiktok account? How could it be around for someone to try and log into? And that is when I learned ~ after hours on the internet investigating ~ that Tiktok does not delete accounts. And you just have to google this to see thousands of people upset that they can't delete their account. The email told me to log in and check my security. But I deleted my account,.... didn't I? No,... apparently if you delete your account it doesn't go away. The minute you click on the Tiktok icon your profile immediately pops up and says "welcome back to Tiktok please sign in" and your profile is still there to sign in to,... I deleted that account 7 times yesterday but each time it re-opens immediately.

Tiktok is playing games. And this got me upset at how much the internet 'owns' you. A lesson learned,... if you open an account on any platform - it NEVER really goes away. I don't like that. 

And then, on top of that, I decided to look into buying a printer. I just need it to print out this blog so I can delete the account (but will it really go away?) so I don't have to worry about the "Tonya's" reading it. But that opened another can of worms ~ subscriptions. I discovered thorugh Youtube videos that if you buy a printer it will work for 6 months during the 'free trial' of ink. But the minute you try and print something after that trial runs out? The printer will not work. It will just spit out one piece of paper asking you to choose which subscription you want for your ink,... WTF? They force you to buy a subscription. You CAN buy the ink physically at four times the cost,.... extortion plain and simple.

Then I started seeing other videos about subscription fatigue and watched a few. I was shocked at the audacity of companies stealing peoples money through subscriptions. The worst I saw that day? If you buy a car with automatic seat warmers ~ you have to PAY A SUBSCRIPTION to use them,.... again,... wtf?

And there seems to be this overwhelming trend of buy a tangible material product ` but it needs a subscrioption to use. And they are doing it for everything now. I already pay a lot of money on subscriptions a month. Too much,... mostly streaming sites as my life is only about watching tv sadly so I need a lot of streaming sites not to get bored. 

Because you have to buy multiple sites to get what you want it all starts to add up. And after realizing this,... i have come to a conclusion. I am slowly weaning myself out of society. Cutting the tether of the internet and social media. I want to end up self-sufficient with no subscriptions except for tv watching.

I will NEVER buy anything that requires an internet connection to use. I am going back to basics. If it doesn't plug in ~ I don't buy it. The internet can be turned off in an instant and with it most people world goes silent. I want to be able to live like the 1970's. You buy somoething - it works for years without needing a subscription. I then went into my budget and widdled my subscriptions down to a much easier load to handle.

No more music subscription - I now just watch music videos on Youtube which I already pay for. (I actually gave all my CD's to TONYA! Wish I hadn't done that now)

I don't like how this new tech world grabs everything they can about you to use later,... and once they have it - they have it - no such word as delete in this society.

Another reason I am doing this is all the scamming out there. I just don't feel safe on the internet anymore. With AI ~ I don't know what is real and what is fake anymore and that is a confusing world to live in. I feel like the only phone calls I get are scammers and they are getting more and more sophisticated with AI. I don't feel safe buying anything anymore as there is always a risk of scammers interfering and hacking your sale on line.

So I am weaning myself off of the internet. Right now the only thing I use it for is my banking,... my blog,... and a game I play for an hour every morning. I deleted all my social media accounts (as best I can as I discovered they really dont let you). 

We live in a world full of fatigue. Subscription fatigue,... immigration fatigue,... (Canada has practicly given Canada to immigrants while those of us born and raised here go hungry and homeless),... AI fatigue,.... scamming fatigue,... this whole world right now just wears me out trying not to get scammed,.... it's every fucking day someone is trying to get my data and money!!! It's exhausting. 

I want the 1970's back!! But if I can't have that in true form,... then i will just create it.

Bye bye techno world - I am done with you. Back to reading, puzzles, and hiking,... unplugging from the grid and going back to a world where we didn't have to pay every month just to warm our asses with seat warmers that we already paid for through the sale of the vehicle,.... but now hve to pay monthly just to utilize,... 

I live in poverty. I cn't afford to pay a monthly subscription just to keep my printer running. 

I am shifting my life away from civilization and instead cutting the cord and trying to live 'off-grid' as much as I can. 

This world has become a hostile place for me now. I don't understand it,... I don't know how to navigate it,... and I seem to be failing at it. I can honestly say I don't like our world anymore.

I want my 1970's back,..... 

I fucking hate immature little gossips with nothing better to do than ruin lives,.... hate it!!!

I don't think anyone will be using the gazebo today. LONGEST WINTER EVER

I hate waking up in the morning. Because I know I have 16 to 18 hours of time to fill and I have nothing to do but watch tv and clean. I sit there knowing I have to live another day of BOREDOM and being hated. I really just wish I would have a heart attack and die. The monotony of 'nothingness' is getting unbearable.

At least today is game day. Manchester United play at ten this morning so at least I have something to look forward to. Even if it does only take up a few hours of my day. Life really has become all about finding stuff to do to combat the boredom. But with no car or transportation,... the winter becomes a secluded prison sentence hibernating inside my unit unable to go anywhere. With spring just around the corner I am hoping I will be able to get back outside and start living again.

I found something out yesterday. I have an aquaintance here in the building that I talk to every once in awhile. I knew she was gossipy, but not in a overwhelming way like Tonya Halls, but you do have to watch what you say around her. Anyway, yesterday I stepped outside of my unit into the hall to go down and get my mail. There ~ sitting infront of Tonyas door ~ was Marion. At first i started to wave,... but the look on her face stopped me. It was GUILT. Like she had been caught. She didn't wave,... she put her head down in shame and quickly went into Tonyas apartment.

So know I know ~ SHE is my mole. I have closed down all my social media to get Tonya Halls out of my life and yet here she is, using Marion to get info on me still,.... I am so disappointed in Marion. She KNOWS everything Tonya is doing to me and yet she pretended she wasn't friends with her while i talked to her. Now I realize they ARE friends - secretly. WARNIG bells went off instantly. It was the look on her face that said "I've been caught' that told me she is a secretive little gossip. 

And this has been a lesson. Now I don't TRUST ANYONE in this building. I keep my mouth shut and myself to myself. This place is a cesspool of gossips and addicts and alcoholics and mentally ill,... it's a mishmash of people living on the fringes of society. We all have issues and problems. So to have to deal with these immature little gossips is so fucking tiring,... everyday you have to be on alert,... what you say to whom,... it's like living on a playground.

But I have learned. So now all my social media has been deleted except my game account which is ONLY used for a game,.... Tonya no longer has access to my internet life. Becasue there isnt' one anymore ~ BECAUSE of her!!!! I RESENT that I have had to deactivate my social media. i certainly didn't want to. But I felt for my own safety and privacy I had no choice. It has worked - but at what cost? 

I don't understand Tonya Halls. What is the obsession with gossiping about others and making their lives miserable??? I just don't get it!!! WHY does she need to know everything about everyone???? I get so frustrated as I am a private person and just want to be left alone.

So fuck you Marion ~ you fake fucking friend working for Tonya,.... YOU were my mole all along. SO disappointed in you,.....

I absolutely HATE living here. 

Maybe it is just time to leave,....

and we all know that that means,.....

Missing my family

Well even though I am able to go out to the gazebo now ~ the weather turned and I had to stay inside. We have had the longest winter that I can recall in my 62 years on this planet. So much snow,... I am definitely feeling cabin fever and need this winter to end. I am desperate to get outside and start living again.

I had a meltdown yesterday. I was just watching a tv sereies. In this program they had a scene of the whole family coming together for a wedding. Scene after scene of happy faces,... people laughing and hugging and dancing,... everyone enjoying themselves celebrating a family members joyful day. And suddenly I saw my family,... and I was not there. I saw my daughters wedding. And it broke me,... all the things that I have missed suddenly hit me. My daughters proms,... weddings,... births,... all happening without me. 

I don't think anyone can understand the heartache that missing out on family events causes. These are events that only happen once. I can never get back the birth of my granddaughter,... that has passed and I was left out. Even if my daughters and I resumed a relationship once again,.... I would still have missed out on the most important events in my life.

THEY ARE GONE ~ I haven't even seen pictures,.... just events I was not welcome to. The sting of being rejected,... the pain of losing out is unbearable and it has left me broken. I can't even watch tv shows now as everything just reminds me of the life I dont' have. 

And why? Because I am not good enough for this society. I am flawed,... mentally ill,... a monster noone wants around.

And yesterday ~ my body just couldn't take that ache one more day and it broke. I was a sobbing heap on the floor. 

There is no lonlier feeling than not being good enough and told to go away,...

That is something I will never recover from.

And it leaves me wondering what is the point? If I'm just sitting here in Gods waiting room ~ waiting to die while my family enjoys life. 

Rejection is the most painful thing in the world. And I have been rejuected by everyone since the day i was born,....

I am so sad that I just don't want to be here anymore,....

I want my family,... but they don't want me,....

Unbearable