I don't recognize this world anymore

I don't recognize this world anymore. I was born in 1963. A very different time. My life really was Leave it to Beaver. I grew up in a town that was clean and safe. I had the ideal childhood. (after being adopted, of course)

I was rasied in a Christian family that went to Church (Emmanuel United in Brampton) My parents were one of the first parishioners. My parents generation founded that Church. And I grew up with the belief that if I did everything right, I would be rewarded with a good life.

I lived my life within the law and tried to be the best person I could be. I never stole anything in my life,... not even a stick of gum,... I have never struck another person. I cross at the crosswalks and paid my bills. I volunteered with the Church and other organizations. 

I wrongly thought I was a contributing member of society that was liked. I thought I was kind and caring and fun. (But people only saw the mental illness).

While I was growing up in that idealistic generation, I was told to work hard and I would achieve. And the thing about living back then was,... you COULD achieve. Most people had a list of what they wanted in their life and it was very achievable. Go to school,... get a job,... and things would work out for you.

In my 1960's - 1970's family my father worked and my Mother stayed home. We were able to go on two vacations a year. My parents bought a home while us kids were toddlers and mortgage payments and taxes were reasonable. And most families had enough left over to enjoy a life.

That has gone,... For me it died in 2000. When I divorced and my life fell apart after my ex took my children and never gave them back. But i didn't give up. I went back to school - got a job,... even bought my own home. But if all fell apart as the cost of living was getting more difficult. I ended up selling my home in the nick of time before it was re-possessed. But I lost money as I had to take a loss.

Now,... jump ahead to 2026 and life doesn't even resemble those days when a family really thrived. Now, everyone seems to be struggling. Ever since covid life has gone way down hill. Especially here in Canada. I don't even recognize my country anymore.

And it's not just me. I watch tv all day long (not my choice but all I have to do anymore) and I see it from everyone in all walks of life. Life is really hard now. Young kids can't find jobs coming out of school,... jobs are being lost to AI. And don't even get me started on Trump with his tariffs. All I see now when i turn on my tv is hardship and evil.

World leaders being found out as pedophiles! I am so disallusioned with this world right now. I am so disappointed in what it has become. But more importantly,... I dont' want to be a part of it anymore.

It's been 40 years since the 'good ol' days' and I have fallen down to the bottom. Infact the last five or six years I have gotten my ass whooped. I have seen our Country have a government who just does not care for the poor. And becasue of this we have fallen far into poverty. So far that even getting money from a settlement coudlnt' help me escape this life of misery.

I have seen the world change and I I don't like it. 

I hate our world leaders,... I feel decieved by them all

I hate the Canadian government who set it up so that only the wealthy get ahead and the lower class don't survive.

I hate society for throwing me away just becasue I'm different and in trouble and desperate. Instead of help ~ I got ridiicule and told I can't have OHIP,...

I hate my life for being too hard to navigate anymore. I dont' understand people and what they want from me. I try but only upset people.

My life is imploding right now and I have had to make plans I really didn't want to make. I want to go on my holiday in June. But without OHIP or a doctor I will be dead by then or the very least so weak I can't travel alone or enjoy sighseeing.

And most painful ~ without family there just isn't any point for me.

I am not a woman who needs or even wants a man. I am quite happy without one. But what I do need is my children,... and without them I don't have a life,...

My life is gone

And now I am left an empty vessel that just need to be dead and gone 

My life is now 'before' and 'after'

My life is now 'before' and 'after'. Before I learned I was not a liked person and after I learned I was not a liked person. I don't have an exact date or thing that had a defining moment that was the line. It was more over the past year. Things chipping away at me one piece at a time. It was a gradual knowledge. It was coming back from BC - traumatized and needing someone to care - and noone did. (They were furiious instead and to this day I still dont know why???) It was knowing whatever I did to them was bigger to them than my suffering homeless in BC and desperately needing my family. Which leads me to believe it had to be something terrible I did. Or do,... I'm not sure what it is I did ~ or do ~ so I can't talk about that. But I must be a very hard person to like if being homeless doesn't even get them to extend an olive branch.

It was everyone - and in the end finding myself alone because I'm such a bad person. Noone wants to be around me.

THAT was the realization in the end ~ noone wanted to be around me. So I must be bad. I tried to be a good person. I tried to be caring and kind. But people only saw my mental illness instead. And they thought it too severe to want me in their life.

Do you know what that does to a persons soul??? To know you tried - but failed. And your whole life was pointless. And to know that if you choose to remain here and live on,... you will be completely alone. Because noone wants you around? It's painful. It's more than painful. It's unbearable,.... shameful,.... I can't show my face anymore. I'm embarrassed I'm so unliked. But confused as to why so much???

I am so confused right now. How did I get to become so alone and invisable?

So now I live my life in 'after' mode. And it's not a good life. I used to get up in the morning and turn my laptop on with my morning coffee. Go to my social media sites and catch up. But now - I have deactivated all of those sites. So I no longer even bother opening my laptop anymore. Theres nothing to see. Its all gone. I only use it to bank and blog now. I am hidden from the world right now. If you look for me - my sites will be closed up. I have no connection to the outside world right now at all,...

and I just want to die 

I am so sad and humiliated and ashamed that I can never face the world again,....

so why stay? In the end,.... we all know noone will even notice I am gone,....

what a sad soul I am,... I wish I had never been born.

I don't even feel human anymore

 Since I have become a recluse ~ I don't even feel human anymore. I look at others and I envy them. They aren't hated,... disliked,... 

When I went into Service Ontario, my blood pressure was not only through the roof leaving me scared and worried I would have a heart attack or stroke, but I was also full of anxiety. I had not been 'out in the world' for over 2 months. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am too ashamed. When you know people just 'put up with you' to be polite - you tend to feel shame and isolate away where you are safe. I can't bother anyone hiding in my apartment. 

I can't be a terrible Mom if I never see my children,...

I can't be a terrible person to anyone if I never interact with anyone anymore,.... and that is my plan. I have been made to feel so unwanted and so undeserving i have given up.

You won't give me my OHIP back??? Ok,... I guess i'm a monster that doesnt' deserve it,...

You won't let me in your life? Thats ok,... I understand. I'm a monster. I get it.

But I don't want this life. I am so alone my heart literally aches - physically aches for my children that wont let me in,...

I am a monster so I don't deserve OHIP (health care). That women will never know she put a nail in my coffin. That was the last straw. The only way I can move forward is to go and BEG for health care,...

Noone should have to beg for any need,...

I have been told no by so many people in this community that I hav eto believe that i am blacklisted. Whenever they see my name or number they ignore me and leave me to rot,... she is a monster,.... let her rot on her own until she dies knowing she was a horrible,. horrible monster.

HURT HER - she deserves it!!!!

I'm not going to try and even get my health care back. I'm nost going to beg. I already feel like someone who isn't even human anymore. Undeserving of anything. 

I am a monster that deserves to die

and so i will

DIE
DIE
DIE

And then everyone in the world can rejoice. Jacquie the mentally ill monster is DEAD!!!!!~
YAY!!!!!!!!!!

At this point even I will rejoice as i hate myself so much I can't wait to DIE

Please help me to die

 I am in trouble,.... big trouble. 

I can't get my OHIP

Becasue I'm a mentally ill monster who can't behave

I dont know why I am so hated,....

Maybe horrible people don't understand they are horrible,....

I thought I was a good person

But I am not

I am such a mentally ill monster I can't even get my OHIP fixed

why?

I dont' behave

I am a mentally ill monster that noone even sees anymore

I just need to die

PLEASE someone ~ 

will you help me to die

I will PAY

Just please help me to die

It's time to actively make a plan to die

 I think it's time to die.

 Not to wait until I have a heart attack like this province wants me to,....

 but to actually plan to die 

I am not going to suffer anymore

Ontario just refuses to help me

so now

Its now time to die

hanging?

fentanyl?

Jump infront of a truck???

whatever

so sick of being invisable when I need help

better to just die now

If this doesn't prove I am a hated piece of shit I don't know what would

I have had it. I had the morning from hell and now I hope to just have a heart attack ~ just get it the fuck over with.

As you know I have no OHIP (healthcare) coverage. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP re-activated. I ended up in the ER over a month ago and had to walk out without being treated as my OHIP was found to be invalid.

So I have been living high anxiety for over a month trying to get to Service Ontario to get this done. But this damn Ontario weather has been working against me and I have not been physically able to get out. But I woke up this morning to temps above zero so I quickly had a shower and walked all the way to Service Ontario

It did not go well

I went today as I was forced to. My blood pressure was over 200 and I couldnt' wait another day. It was just fortuante today the weather was cooperative. By the time I walked all the way there though, I was shaking. I was not feeling well at all. I was good for the first bit but then she told me I had to have the exact dates I was out of the province and I didn't remember them. (I was only gone 13 days!!!) I just guessed on the form. Then she said I filled out one part wrong. By this time, I am not feeling well and I am getting annoyed this is taking so long. So I said what should it have said,.... Your address in BC she said,.... I didn't have one,... I said,... I was homeless,....

It was here I started to shake really badly. I got flustered and I lost it and said forget it - I'll just go to the hospital without health care. I don't have time for all of this,... I need to get to the hospital. She didn't care. She just looked past my shoulder for the next person,...

All my fucking life I have been DISMISSED!!!!!!

That woman will never know what it took for me to walk there today,.... but all for nought,.... punished!!!!

I went back to her and said ok what do I  need to do then as I need to get to the hospital,... but I dropped all my papers because I was really shaking and I said oh for fucks sakes (to myself but out loud) and that was that,...

"I am refusing to serve you Ma'am so get out of my office and you can't come back. You will have to use another service ontario office now"

I was so upset. Dismissed,.... dismissed,... dismissed,....

So now I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I don't even deserve OHIP now????? I'm such a piece of shit you can't even help me get OHIP? When I'm suffering a severe high blood pressure attack and not feeling well?????  You can't give me a fucking break????  I can't get to another office,... it took me over a month to get to this one. I can't get out of Fergus so I am shit out of luck for health care,...

I am so done.

My blood pressure has come down but only to 175/112. 

I am DYING of hypertension but after today I was made to feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve,....

and maybe I don't,....

SO I WILL NEVER ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

That woman just sealed my coffin