Sunday mornings are "off-grid" videos

It's Sunday morning. I am sat here with my coffee watching Youtube. Sundays are "off-grid" days. I follow a few channels of people living off grid. It's what I would LOVE to do myself but am now too old. I couldn't survive on my own with all my physical limitations. So instead I watch others and live vicariously through them. It was my dream in life,... but never to see,...

As I sit here drinking my coffee Molly & Murphy have the zoomies. It's quite a sight first thing in the morning to watch two kittens literally 'fly' through your apartment. I am used to it now. I just calmly sip on my coffee as these two run around chasing each other and having fun. It's the reason I got them. They are now about 9 months old. Murphy has grown into a huge cat. While my little Molly has remained a little peanut at only 6 pounds. I have zero regrets getting these two kittens. They have changed my life. They have given me something to get up for in the morning. But the best part? Cuddling. My last cat ~ Maggie ~ God rest her sole,... hated human contact so I rarely got to hold or cuddle her. But these two love sleeping on my lap while I watch tv. It's my favourite time of the day.

You have to remember that I have noone in my life. I have not touched or hugged another human being probobly since I hugged my cousin in BC almost a year ago. No human contact does strange things to a person. I crave contact,... and with these kittens, I get as much as I want anytime I want. It has softened my heart having these two cats in my life. They are expensive with all the food, and litter with me living on $1408 a month again. But they come first. I buy their stuff before I buy my own. I will starve long before my pets do. They always come first. 

I will  never regret having these two cats in my life. They are my life.

I sent housing an email about what happened with Darren yesterday. But with it being the weekend I dont' plan on hearing from them until monday. No drama since then. I just felt I needed to put it in writing to document to housing as then they have a "record". I also ran into two of my gazebo buddies and they told me they heard he treats his cat like shit. So if others are hearing this - it's not just me. Darren Green does not deserve an animal. I wish they would remove it from him but at this point I want no part of it and will never mention it again to anyone. Darren Green is too unpredicatable and dangerous to fuck around with. Just leave well enough alone and hope he stays away. I did tell housing that I do expect retaliation. 

The weather actually looks promising today. No snow! No arctic vortex! It almost looks like it will turn out to be sunny and nice. If it is, I need to get out!! I have no money left to go grocery shopping so I will just take a long walk. I have cabin fever so bad right now. I need to get out!!!! And hopefully today might be that day,...

I need to get out of this building

Living here is just one thing after another. I had yet another run-in with Darren Green about the same thing I had a blow up with him about last time - three years ago. His treatment of his cat. I was in the hall and heard him yelling. When I knew it was directed at his cat I stayed there listening. It went on and on and on and on,.... he just yelled at his cat! It was obvious he was just in a bad mood and taking it out on his cat. But when his voice got louder and more aggresive, I panicked and shouted through the door "Stop yelling at your cat", which of course infuriated him. Now he was hurling abuse through the door at me. So I left,.... but I heard his door open and him start yelling but I was back at my unit by then and just shut my door. 

I am so fed up of his rages and taking it out on his poor defenceless cat. But I am still feeling the effects of Darrens revenge after calling the Humane Society on him last time. So i didn't want to call again. So i wrote a long detailed email to housing and left it in their hands. I reminded them that there is cctv footage as we now have cameras in the hall. It's ALL ON VIDEO this time. NO DOUBTS and he can't wigle his way out of his abuse. They will all hear it!!!

I want darren gone. I want that cat removed from his care. I had a friend here once many years ago (K.M.) I was still friends with Darren at the time and one afternoon there was me, Darren and my friend "K". Darren spent the whole time talking about how he was going to buy a dog. A military dog he would teach to protect and attack (why?). Anyway, when Darren left my apartment, my frined "K" looked at me in concern and said "That man should never own a pet" My friend didn't know a lot of Darren. just a few visits here when he was here. But in that short time of knowing him, "K" knew Darren should not own a pet. Thats telling. I had said nothing to him about pets or abuse or Darren at all. It was strictly "K"s opinion after only knowing him for a short time.

So I sit here now knowing I will probobly never feel safe in this building now,...

Time to get the fuck out of this building no matter WHAT IT TAKES!

I don't know what to do about this smoking in the gazebo situation. It's just not working out. In the end, I don't want to sit out there with those people. (Mark and Darren). But housing forces us to. 

I feel so trapped. I can't stay in this building anymore. I don't feel safe. I am suppose to go out to the gazebo to smoke but I am not welcome there and they let me know!!! Noone wants to have to be couped up inside a tiny gazebo with people giving you the death glare.

I will be using the gazebo very rarely. I don't feel safe out there at all.

But housing can't help,... they refuse to give us a second place to smoke. We have two buildings full of people and we all have to share ONE smoking area.

IT IS NOT WORKING

Very few women go out there. The gazebo itself is disgustingly dirty. People spitting ont he ground after they smoke - so disgusting! It needs to be power-washed before any woman would feel comfortable in there. So in the end only myself and maybe one or two other woman use the gazebo. The rest of the women smoke in their units as they don't feel safe either. But I did the right thing and did not smoke in my unit and went out. All I got was abuse,... I dont feel safe,....

I don't feel safe!!!

Darren has decided he is too good for losing the smoking in his unit priviledge. Every single time I walk by his apartment he is smoking. When I was talking with housing about this whole situation I let them know that Darren has no intention of following rules and will continue to smoke in his unit and get away with it. So housing told me to write down every time he smokes. Um,... no thank you. This is a man who has proved he will retaliate over any little thing. You want ME to be the spy that gets him evicted??? 

Do your own fucking work housing ~ I am not a rat or a mole. I dont' work for Ontario Housing so why should I put my life in danger doing THEIR spying??? No way! If you want to catch Darren Green - YOU can do the tattling. I am staying well clear of that man.

The only way to resolve this issue is one of us has to leave this building. And in the end WHY should it be me? This is a perfect opportunity for me to 'tattle' every time he smokes and he will eventually get evicted. But will i do that? Absolutely not. First of all,... I have been homeless myself - twice - and I don't wish that upon anyone. Even Darren Green. it's INHUMANE. I do not want to be the reason a person loses their housing. I want Darren Green gone,... he has ruined my living here,... but I stop at making someone homeless.

So housing this is your problem. you dont' want smoking in your building? Yet you want us tenants to do all the dirty work catching them. WE DONT WORK FOR YOU - It's not our job to tattle. Do it yourself.

And I can't help thinking if it's that immpossible to catch someone - then maybe I should just smoke inside too,.... Housing has said it's near immpossible to evict someone without 'written' complaints to document. Like Tonya did to me for years (and I had to fight to stay here). If they threaten to evict me,... at least I have a case behind me I can fight it. I told them multiple times I dont feel safe,... yet nothing was done to ensure my safety. So I choose to protect myself and stay inside. But will i do this? No,... becasue I live here too. Why should I be trapped inside all my life due two men who are bullies????????

Life is not fair. And I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. My body is in so much pain now I can't function and look after myself anymore.

BUT NOONE CARES I can't find a doctor,... and noone cares,....

So I think it really is time to just disappear

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more bullies,...no more feeling like your the biggest piece of worthless shit around,....

It is time to plan,....

Come on Canada, I just lived on $16,022 for the whole entire year. No wonder I just want to die

Things have been grim. I feel as if I have been couped up in this apartment for years! It's only been the winter months but it seems to be the longest and coldest winter I can remember. Roll on spring,... I NEED to get outside! But even as I write this, it is raining out. And the temperature is dropping turning everything into ice. I won't be going out today.

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day. I actually did get outside. It was cold and damp but I just needed fresh air desperately. So I knocked on my 'bodyguards' door and we went out to the gazebo for a few minutes of fresh air. 

I finally got my taxes done yesterday. I am not by nature a procrastinator. But when it comes to my annual government taxes, I drag my feet and usually don't get them done until the last minute. There really easy for me. I own nothing,... and I live in abject poverty. So just as I figured,... I owe nothing,... I get nothing back,.... nil. I will take it. As long as I don't owe ~ I will just accept it.

But get this. In case anyone reading this blog wonders just how poverty stricken I am???? My annual income for the ENTIRE YEAR was,....

$16,022.00

And every person in Ontario on ODSP lived the same. It's a horrible thing to say and I never thought I would ever say this,... but thank God I got hit by a car two years ago as that is the only way I am surviving. And I am not surviving well,... I am just getting by. Infact,.. now that I have run out of the money I had from my settlement I am starting to hurt again. I did my monthly budget for April and already the money is all spent with nothing left over for groceries. I will either have to borrow from my cash I have saved up for my trip in June ~ or go to the food bank. 

Come on Canada!!!!!! Who can live on $16,022 a year.

No wonder people are using MAiDs at an alarming rate in this country. I WISH I WAS ONE OF THEM! I am so sick of poverty. So sick of having to walk everywhere,... so sick of no doctor,.... I am so sick of my life. Because this isn't a life

This is just surviving and not even barely,... I pray every morning with my coffee: "Please God,... I have had enough. Please just give me a heart attack and let me go,... I just can't cope with this life anymore,.... PLEASE just let me die and come home"

I am not coping

Today has just been a frustrating mess. I have broken down. I spend most of my days crying now. Watching tv and breaking down at every sad thing I see. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They rule me. And I seem to flip back and forth between severe sadness and anger. My tv and soundbar have been testing me. Every single time I turn on my tv - it doesn't work. I have to rip all the cords out to get everything to start up all over again - it's so maddening. EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch tv I have to fight with this. The second I turn my tv off - I lose the setting and the soundbar and it takes un-plugging,.... re-hooking up to the wi-fi (which is a pin in the fucking ass) WHY????? Why is everything I bought brand new Broken? I HATE THIS TV AND SOUNDBAR. I end up raging every morning tryng to get it to hook back up. Just that causes me to start my day so badly I can't recover and I spend my day angry,... sad,... hating life,.... This is not a way to live,... I am miserable.

While going by Darren's apartment during my laps I can smell he is blatantly smoking in there. I am worried. He knows it is me that got his priviledge revoked. And word through the grapevine is he couldn't get out to the gazebo fast enough to let everyone know! And he's not happy about it,... and when Darren Green is raging,... I am not safe. He will not forget about this as his life is so empty he has nothing else to do but sit in his boiling anger and get rager and rager until he loses it,.... I don't want to know what that looks like. I am so sick and tired of Darren fucking Green that I just want out of here.

I NEED out of here. And sadly there is only one way to escape this life and that is death....

I pray to God to give me a heart attack and let me end this suffering. But he doesn't hear me. 

The pain is getting worse. Unbearably worse and I am struggling to cope.

I am not coping

I just need to die

Canada's economy is so poor it represents a "Human Rights Crisis" I'm scared I'm not going to make it,....

I have been in crisis pretty much since covid way back in 2020. Canada has been declining and the people at the bottom of the ladder are the ones feeling it the most. Here in Ontario that would be the people on OW (Ontario Works) and ODSP (Ontario Disability). We are given so little that a lot of us don't even get basic needs. We are really, really struggling,....

I have felt it for awhile now. And I have to honestly say that if I had not been hit by a car two years ago and received a small settlement ~ I would be homeless right now. I do not bring in enough to pay rent, bills and groceries. I have to dip into my 'settlement' fund to get groceries. Once my bills and rent are paid there is NOTHING left for food. how sad is this country when getting hit by a car saved me,.... BUT,... that money is no longer there. It has run out,.... now I am scared. (I did put a small amount into a GIC but it doesn't mature until the fall and I can't touch it until then ~ but at least it is there for the future) 

I just heard that my CPP is going up 2%. A nice little break for us getting a few dollars more a month. But then I discovered that I don't get that raise. Why? Because people on ODSP are NEVER allowed to make more than $1408.00 a month. My total income comes from ODSP and CPP. With this 'raise' ~ I lose out becasue ODSP will just 'absorb' it and I still only get $1408 a month. WHY???? Inflation and the exorbitant cost of groceries right now effects me too!! CPP saw that we needed a raise due to this struggle with every bill we have right now and gave us a 2% raise. They gave it to us as WE NEED IT!

So why can't I have it,...? And that is what is wrong with this country and province right now. 

I am not exagerating ~ if I hadn't had a few extra bucks in the bank from my settlement, I would have LOST THIS APARTMENT months ago due to not being able to pay the rent. But ODSP still believes we all have enough and refuse to give us our raise from CPP.

This just stinks!!!!

Our groceries here in Canada right now are so highly priced I am eating HALF of what I used to. It's all I can afford in my budget. My settlement money has run out now and I am now starting back on my tight $1408 a month. That means living off of cereal, hamburgers and chicken thigh on a bun. I am so sick of eating the same cheap shit every day I could scream. How I would love fruit and veg,... and meat! I haven't had a roast beef dinner ~ my favourite meal ever ~ in about 10 years!!!!! YEARS!!!!! But those days are now gone,.... we are back to rationing cheap shit food I can barely afford. 

No groceries,...

No doctor,...

No fucking life,... 

WHO the fuck can live on $1408 a month. 

If you dont' think this country is in CRISIS ~ especially for the poor ~ you need to see this video. 

SHOCKING!

Please watch this video as our country is literally falling apart.

And us here on the bottom will fall first and hardest,... 

I AM SCARED I WON'T MAKE IT

FIFA is coming!

 It's yet another frosty day here in Ontario. I am starting to think this snow and cold is never going away. Longest winter ever,...

The kittens had me up at four o'clock again this morning. It doesn't bother me. I have no set hours or schedule. I sleep when I'm tired. I just made my coffee and turned on the tv to start my day. 

Youtube is a funny thing where you don't plan on watching anything, your topic sort of pics itself. Anyone who watches YT knows that you can go down a rabbit hole on one topic so easily. You don't plan what that topic is - the algorithum does. 

This morning turned out to be a day of football. As anyone knows I am a hige footy fan. I follow multiple teams on multiple leagues. Over the years, football has kept me sane. And 2026 is a big year as FIFA has rolled around once again. The tournament doesn't start until June, but I already know all I need to know before it gets here. And Youtube is a wealthy resource for finding out about anything FIFA.

It's going to be interesting this year as it will be played in both Toronto (where I live) and Vancouver - where I will be vacationing while it's on. If I wasn't poor, I could actually go to a game!! One in each city! What a life-long dream that is. But, as usual for world events the cost is so high that most middleclass folk can't afford it. But if I am in BC while it is on, then the sports bars will have tons of stuff playing. I will be able to find a game almost anywhere. I won't be there at BC Place,... but I will be in a bar close by able to absorb all the crazy atmosphere. My cousins are not soccer fans. But they might be by the time I leave. (or sick of it)

This weekend is also the season opener for the MLS. I have given up on Toronto FC. But I have been following Miami. One of my Manchester United idols owns Inter Miami and I have organically moved over there just with my interested in how this is going for him. I of course speak of David Beckham. And in following his career, I have grown a soft spot for Miami. So, maybe time to buy pink shirts instead of Torontos red?? The good news is that Apple has cancelled their (expensive - seperate) MLS app and is now just incorporating the games into the regular Apple tv subscription, which is much cheaper and I already have it. So I will be able to watch MLS games again this year.

My life is so boring and empty. Football gives me something to look forward to. Right now I am hitting the gold spot of football. We are still finishing up the Premier League (Manchester United) with MLS just starting. And FIFA is just around the corner.

Now,... I have something I love to look forward to.