Friday, February 5, 2021

Continuing on,....

 I am back to this blog for good. The other one (Coffee Confessions) is being left on private so no one can get into it anymore and I will be continuing to blog on here.

You know when a writer writes,... they are baring their sole. What I write in my blogs is very personal and private. My blog is meant as a forum to purge all the shit in my head. After I have written,... I usually feel much better. It's therapy for me. In the beginning no one was ever suppose to see any of my writing. It was just a place to get all my thoughts and emotions out. But over the years,... people have found and read it. When someone reads my private thoughts,... it's like standing outside in a crowd naked. I have no protection from the people and their opinions. I am totally open for all to see.

And now,... the people here in my building have found this blog. And as you know they left a nasty message. I guess they didn't realize that their email and IP address is available for me to see so I have since proven it was this Tonya down the hall and her 'posse'. This is very upsetting to me. They have read my deepest thoughts. And they have made fun of them. Something has been taken away from me now. Whenever I see them I will know that they know EVERYTHING about me. My mental health,... everything,.... and they always remind me when I walk by. They mutter quotes  I have written to me as and laugh as I walk by. It has upset me to my core. My blog was the only thing I had that was MINE and mine alone. Now it is not. So that is why I am back here. Hoping no one from my friends or family has this website. I will be back to ANONYMOUS again. I can write freely and truthfully once again. 

And we are right back to the same old shit in the this new year. The weather has been bad lately. Canadian winters can be hard on us folk who don't drive. I have to walk to get my groceries and when the snow is heavy, I cannot pull my cart through it so I have to wait until the bad weather subsides to go and get supplies. I finally went out yesterday. It had been about 3 weeks since I left my apartment. My fridge is bare. My pantry is bare. I am living on the basic necessities now. No meat. Hardly any fruit or veg. Just cheap box and can food. (Beans, chili, spaghetti, Kraft dinner,....) My friend B***y picked me up and took me to go grocery shopping. I spent $96.00 and barely got anything I needed. Times are getting tougher and tougher. Food is getting so expensive.

And I went to pick up my medication but again I didn't have enough money. So I had to leave it there. Great,... another two weeks of no medication. I know the drill. Go off meds,... go into crisis,... roller coaster life. I hate it. But I just don't have the money. I may have to stop taking meds altogether. It may be better to not take any at all rather than taking them,... then not taking them,... then taking them and not,.... It's very hard on my body.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist this week. It was a phone appointemnt due to the pandemic. After an hour and a half of talking,.... he feels I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) with Bipolar 2. As well as depression, anxiety, and OCD. This now means he is going to give me NEW medication. And it will begin all over again. A doctor who doesn't even know me diagnoses me after talking for less than two hours,.... changes all my meds,... takes a couple months to start taking affect only to discover it doesn't work as well as they had hoped. And I have to start the process all over again.  Story of my life.  

So I am not happy. I am still not talking to anyone. I am terrified to let anyone ever get close to me again because I just cannot take one more rejection from someone I love. So I stay here in my prison - wondering why I have to endure such a difficult life. I must have been a serial killer in a past life and this is Karma.