Maybe I need to find an abandoned house and disappear,.....

When I turned youtube on this morning, the documentary "God Knows Where I Am" popped up. I have not only seen this documentary before, but I was deeply effected by it. In Linda Bishop, the woman the documentary is about, I saw someone who felt the same way I did about society and mental illness.

Society has one answer for the mentally ill. medicate them and/or hospitalize them. I get that,... it makes life much easier for the families involved. Medicate them until they don't know what day of the week it is and the family get their peace. The person medicated is drugged,... and mechanical. When I was on meds I never, ever, ever felt well. They upset my stomach leaving me nauseous. They left me feeling like a zombie - a stepford wife. It made life easier for the family,.... but it made life empty and paralyzing for the patient.

But as long as the family is happy,... who cares that we feel like an empty vessel not even able to feel,.... thats not a life. But as long as we shut up and stop being annoying - our families will love us.

if not - then we are monsters they have to protect themselves from.

I did notice one difference in Linda Bishops life that was different from my own. Even though this woman was extemely un-well and made life hard for her family and loved ones - THEY NEVER GAVE UP OR STOPPED LOVING HER! They never pulled down the shutters leaving her out. They watched her be so destructive - yet - still loved her,...

This is what my family said to me,...

So how am I suppose to feel knowing Linda bishop was 50 times worse than i was - yet her family still loved and wanted her,....

So I must be the worlds worst monster if my family can't even see any good in me at all,.... 

I am a worthless - useless - piece of shit that doens't deserve the air I breath,.... 

I can't bear being so unloved and unwanted and actually HATED!

I just can't bear it,....

What the fuck did I do that made me feel like the worst human being that was ever born,...

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

I am so confused and hurt I just can't bear it

Jesus, take me home 

77 days and counting

April 14th. My grand-daughters birthday is sometime this week. I'm not even sure of the exact date. I can't settle. I should be packing and going to Barrie to celebrate my granddaughters birthday. But I am not wanted,...

Many years ago I received a phone call from a Toronto hospital asking if I knew a Bill Holyoak. I told her yes, he was my uncle. I had never met him, but I did know his daughter. She told me that he had died and they didn't have a next of kin to call. So I told her I would pass the details on to my cousin - which I did. But I am talking about this, as here is yet another Holyoak that died alone. Isolated,... So much so that noone even knew who to call when he died.

And this is now me. isolated and alone. 

My mother,... and my grandmother both died alone and isolated too. My Mom lived in a trailer in the mountains of BC alone with her pets. My grandmother, Ida, lingered for 15 years in a nursing home with noone visiting her. 

The Holyoak curse,... 

But the truth is I haven't felt wanted or normal since the day I was born.

I don't know what it is people want from me. I try,... but they just don't like me. It's actually quite painful. So I too, will die in isolation. Lonely and feeling like a monster.

My days are getting too hard now. Too much pain. Every time I move my body, I feel pain. Every,... single,.... move,.... it's relentless and exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

All I can say before I go is,.... I tried,... I really did try. But I don't even know what I did wrong,....

I just wish I had never even been born. What was the point???? 

Countdown to D-day,.... 77 days

I just want to die

I am never getting a doctor. I had made a bunch of calls a few weeks back in yet another attempt to get health care. Someone called me today to say there is a doctor accepting new patients,...

But it's in another town,.... and it's a male,.... and his name is so long I couldn't even pronounce it. Indian. I do not want a male doctor. I especially don't want a male indian doctor and before you go saying I am racist,... I had a very bad experience with a male indian doctor and I will never go back to another one.

THAT is what this province can offer me????? A first year doctor in antoehr town I can't even get to???? It's laughable at this point.

So I give up. I don't even want a doctor now. I am too far gone anyway. My pain is so severe I just want to die now.

If I had gotten proper help after I got hit by the car, I think I would have been ok. But not having a family doctor fucked me.

So now I just want to die.

I know the way,... I know the date,...

Fuck you Canada _ I hate that you threw me away and left me to rot on my own when i coulnd't take care fo myself anymore.

Fuck you all for leaving me to struggle

FUCK YOU!!!!!

Ontairo Housing refuses to help and I'm going to die for that

 Right now my life depends on whether I can get Darren Green evicted or not. It is clear the two of us cannot live in this building together. His raging and revenge just isn't stopping.

So I asked for a transfer and was told no. I was so upset about that as it told me that Ontario Housings rules are more important than their tenants safety. I literally told ***** that if she says no - I have a plane ticket booked June 30th to go to Vancouver to get MAids as thats how desperate I am to escape this building. 

The answer was still no.

My plane ticket still stands.

The only way I will escape this mess and not have to die to do it, is to get rid of Darren Green ~ right out of this building. And the only way I can do this is to write him up every time he smokes in his unit. And the idiot is doing it every single day - multiple times a day. He must think we are stupid if he thinks he is getting away with it. He doesn't realize that no matter how many blankets he hangs up - we can still smell it!! And his coughing fit while doing it is another dead give away. He is walking right into my hands,...

Darren Green underestimates me. He does not realize that my life literally depends on him getting evicted,... and I will not stop trying until the day I board that plane to Vancouver to end my life.

If I'm ending my life to escape this place,....?? I'm taking that asshole who caused all the problems with me.

If I have to die - HE is going to be homeless.

The absolute only way I will not end my life, is if Darren Green is evicted or Ontario Housing come to their senses and realize I WILL commit suicide if they don't transfer me out of here.

My life literally depends on getting Darren green evicted,...

What a horrible system I live in that to protect myself I have to either die or evict another person and make them homeless.

This life sucks 

If only Housing would help,... none of this would be happening

 My days are so empty now. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. My heart is empty. My life is empty.

tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... the hands on the clock move so slowly. Minutes feel like hours,... hours feel like days,... time seems to stand still. Boredom eats away at my brain like an itch. I can't settle. I can't seem to sit still. In between shows on the tv I get up and pace. 

pace,... pace,... pace,...

I have no human contact anymore. My choice. Safer this way. But the lonliness,... the lonliness overwhelms you. My chest hurts,... aches,... 

Every inch of my body wants to lay down and die,...

Medical Assisatance in Dying is nothing but a scam ~ they dont intend on helping anyone die

 Ontario MAiDs si nothing but a scam. I just called them and told them my story but she didn't even really listen . I could tell she was just waiting for me to stop talking so she could give me the 'speel'. They had no intention of helping me die. She instead told me to go to my local walk-in and ask for a referrl to a fibromyalgia specialist,....

WTF? She has never met me and didn't even listen to my story,.... they are told to start with pain relief and do 5 years of specialists before they will even consider MAiDS. Where are all of these people who are complaining because MAiDs is killing everyone who asks?????? Not here!!!! Not in Ontario,.... I have now tried 3 times and been denied.

Who the fuck are they to be GOD and decide who gets it and who doesn't,.... 

I told her to forget it I'll do it myself,...

How fucking dare they????? 

MAiDs is a fucking joke

I fly to BC now and take a fatal overdose

FUCK YOU MAIDS

To my Family,... 

All I ever wanted was to be loved and wanted.

But you guys never wanted me. Even after I got you girls back, you kept our relationship at arms length never fully letting me in. It was like you were scared of me. I have never hit or abused either of you girls. Infact I have never even yelled or raised my voice to you. Yet, somehow,... I became the monster mother.

I did not feel close to you girls ever again after your father stole you from me. You don't agree but I KNOW you were persuaded by the opinions of your father, his wife, and your Uncle and Aunt. It was very, very sutle but their influence was there whether you saw it or not. 

I was mentally ill but tried my best. I was punished for being mentally ill.

As a mother we LIVE for our children. And without my children, I felt I had no life. Yet all you girls and my so called 'family' could do was say,... "all you talk about is Maids and dying. We're tired of it so just do it already,..." That seems to be your attitude.

But your completely missing the whole point. I dont' have you girls in my life and it has killed me. Without my children ~ and remember ~ I have already buried two ~ I don't see the point of living. Life is about family but my family abandoned me. 

If you girls were in my life ~ sincerely ~ meaning you actually liked me, and wanted to be around me (which has not been the case) then I would not feel the need to die. I would be happy and fulfilled, as I would have my dream. My girls,... my family.

But you both rejected me. And without my children ~ and knowing the situation will never change (You all certainly made that clear) then I no longer wish to be alive. What for?

Pain,... poverty,... lonliness,... being rejectred and hated?????

So you all need to know that I wouldn't feel the need to die if someone just loved me,....

but noone does,... you girls don't even like me.

SO THAT is why,....

To me the only reason for living is family,... and without one I just don't care to be alive.

So dont' turn around and say "We tried to help but she wouldnt' listen to us" because that will be bullshit.

YOU wouldnt even answer your phones,.... you hated me 

I was just an annoying interference in your lives. And I will go to my grave knowing my own children HATED me.

Why was I even fucking born????????

So your off the hook. You can turn around and justify my death any way you want. But the truth is you rejected me and I couldn't handle it. 

I have been hanging around - waiting - but your not coming back

so it's definitely time to just die

The horrible mentally ill monster just needs to die

Good riddence to a worthlessm invisable piece of shit

Have a nice life girls,....

I do love you ~ but you didn't love me back,....

Justify it all you want to but I wanted you - YOU didn't want me.

I was only good for a place to get sober when noone else would take you. I TOOK YOU  IN and you still hated me,....

I couldn't win for trying.

Noone will ever understand how it feels to be so hated,....

I just need to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hold out NO HOPE Ontario will help me. They have failed me

Today was horrible,... unbearable,... and I can't do this anymore.

So I made some phone calls. I am going to go through MAIDS. I did some digging and apparently you don't need a family doctor to access MAIDS. So I called 811 and left my details with them and now I wait. A registered nurse is going to call me back in the next 24 to 48 hours. I am not taking no for an answer this time. I will let them know if they won't help I already have a call out to MAIDS in Vancouver and I'm now waiting to hear from them too. And between the two provinces./// ONE of them better be able to help me.

Becasue if they dont???? I have definitely had enough and will just do it myself.

I will try the right and legal way,.. but experience has shown me they wont help,... they will have some excuse why I can't go through MAIDS. But I dont care. if they say no,... I have a back up plan.

But I no longer wish to live and now all I do is plan my death

Theres nothing else to do anyway,.... my life is that empty

I hope Ontario will help me,... but experience tells me they dont' give a fuck what happens to me,... so i really dont' give much hope getting any help of any kind here in Ontario,... they have FAILED me.

But one way or another - I will be dead this summer.

Fuck you Ontario Housing

There used to be a time, many, many years ago,.... when peoples lives mattered. That is gone,... 

I, desperately, went to housing to ask for a transfer to get away from all of this bullying. I was told NO. The rules state you have to be domestically violated to get a transfer. In other words, they need you to wait until you finally get physically hurt before they will help.

It's just a rule. She saw how desperate I was, but a rule cannot be broken. I wasn't worth the hassle. So now,... I have nothing left to lose. I will be dead and buried this summer so it's not going to care if Ontario Housing is mad I dared to speak up and say "You failed me". I called them and left them a message saying just that this morning. I am expecting an eviction notice any day now for daring to speak up!

S**** ~ You looked me right in the eye. SAW how desperate I was. HEARD I will choose death and STILL said no. FUCK YOU! YOU just signed my death certificate.

Now,... I plan my death. If Vancouver MAiDs fails me too??? Then June 30th I fly to Vancouver and then on to the Island to spend my first vacation in 26 YEARS! I will not give that up. But I will not be using my plane ticket to come home. I will fly from the Island to Vancouver airport and then I get off and walk to the downtown eastside.

My Fahter died here,... My Mother died here,... and I guess I am too,...

One fatal hit of fentanyl and it will all be over.

FUCK YOU Ontario Housing for choosing your rules over a human being.

I am dying because I am invisable and NOT WORTH helping

FUCK YOU Ontario Housing

You could have helped ~ You CHOOSE not to,...

Life is just so cheap and disposable now. Well, you can have your apartment back. And within 2 months I will be gone, buried and forgotten about and some other stranger will be living in my unit.

*** poof **** gone,... and noone fucking cared,...

FUCK YOU Canada,... Ontario,... Ontairo Housing and the whole fucking system that is designed to not allow you to get out!!!!!

Finally - Good news!!

 Finally! Good news! My phone rang a few minutes ago. It came up as 'suspected spam' so I wasn't even going to answer it. But in the end I did. (gut feeling?) It was Service Canada. I have been accepted for the National Disability Benefit! $200.00 a month. When you only get $1408,... an extra $200 is a big bonus. Between now and September is going to be really tight but now I can get better groceries. Meat,... produce,... I'm getting quite sick of the 'beige' diet. People who live in poverty have to a lot of preserved foods as it's much cheaper. I have always thought there is something wrong with that. It's like they encourage people to buy crap rather than good wholesome food. Now I can squeeze a few more luxuries into my kitchen. I have said that I will never starve. I am the queen of budgeting and can stretch a budget like elastic. But theres no 'fun' stuff in that. No chocolate (my addiction ~ KitKat, Mars, Aero bars,...) No cookies,... or Ice Tea. Just the basics. They feed me - but once in awhile I really do dream of hot roast beef dinner with all the trimmings,... a luxury for some people nowadays. I haven't had roast beef in years,.... maybe that will be the first thing I treat myself to after my first payment.

I applied for it two years ago and was denied because I didn't have the back of one of my ID's photo copied. Its difficult for me to get into town to get photo copies so it got shelved. I finally re-applied last month and this time it looks like I got it. And i don't even have to get any photo copies. It's all done ~ accepted ~ just waiting for the deposit into my account,...

I really needed this. Something positive to happen. And this is very positive.

Well done Canada! You came through for me. I know most people are laughing at me being soo excited over $200, but to me its a lot and well really help. 

I am grateful!!! Thank you,... Thank you,... Thank you,...

Living in housing is just,... unsettling

As I say on here almost everyday now, I don't sleep much anymore. Infact I am awake by four or five every morning now. And thats not really because of the kittens. It's just me. I have heard as you get older and enter into your 'senior' years you require less sleep. Maybe this is all that is happening now. But I don't think so. I think I'm just stressed so much it's deeply effecting my sleep. But whatever the reason, here I am again - up at four. 

Now when I write about this, I am sincerely not trying to be unkind. I am merely stating facts to show what it is like to live in this building. Ontairo Housing. The lowest of the low,... the poorest of the poor,... the oddest of the odd,... all the bottom feeders ~ not my term obviously, as I am one of them, but a term used often to describe us at the bottom. Again, I am not trying to be unkind - just stating facts. The people who live in housing have issues. Financial,... mental,... or physical. And sometimes all three. These are people who have problems holding down jobs due to physical disabilities or mental states. No job = poverty ~ and that lands you here.

I ended up here when I couldn't work anymore due to the fibromyalgia pain. I was divorced and lived on my own so had noone to 'pick up the slack' while I got myself sorted. Instead I just had to stop working which slowly led to the downfall of my life. Had to go into housing,... go on disability,... and before you know it ~ your a bottom feeder.

So in talking about the folk here it is just facts of how they are. (not judgement) I am just showing how I can never let my guard down and never feel safe in this building. 

As I do every morning, while my coffee is brewing, I go out into the hall to look out the hall window which looks out over the parking lot and gazebo. It faces the other building. Today, mother nature is drunk, as it is very cold and snowing. Not a day to be outside. Yet as I squint through the snowflakes, I see J** (who is suppose to be in rehab) walking through the parking lot going over to the other building. She knocks on someones door and goes in. It's not even 5:30 in the morning! I start to do a few laps in the hall. I wake up in severe pain most mornings and sometimes just doing a few laps of the hall loosens me up a little aleviating the pain a bit. I was on my third lap when I look out one of the windows as I walk, and there is A****n (the guy I was having issues with a few weeks ago being creepy to me). Now he is outside - in the cold - in the snow - just walking around. Aimlessly. If he was smoking I would just say hes having a smoke break. But he's not smoking. It's too cold and windy and snowy to smoke. He is just walking around,... like he is lost. This man has been deteriorating right before my eyes. Over the past few months he has become creepy and unpredicatable forcing me to ignore him until he got the hint. To his credit - he has completely left me alone. He has no bad intentions. He is just off his meds and a schizophrenic. So that leaves me cautious. And J**, she must have walked out of rehab. It's been less than a week. Which means she will be walking around knocking on everyones door at all hours of the day and night - high - grifting for stuff. 

Living here is navagating a minefield of odd and unsettling personalities. Not just one. Many. This is where they all end up. On the bottom. All in one place. And I live amoung them. (which shows I'm not perfect either, sadly,...) Not everyone living here is different. There are many nice people here. But unfortunately there seems to be more 'odd' and 'marginalized population',... 'The precariously housed'. I don't make up these terms. Some rich person thought they would be kind to use politically correct terms. But to us 'down here' its' all the same no matter what lipstick you put on the name. It's the bottom of the social ladder. A cesspool of people - thrown away by society and left to fend for themselves. Some have families,... some have social workers,... some, like myself, have noone and have to cope alone. But whatever the situation is, it's not usually easy. These people are struggling. And we seem to be forgotten about. So noone can get the hell out of here no matter how hard they try. Once you are in the system - you can't get out. And thats whats so frustrating and leaves you feeling so hopeless. If I thought I had a sliver of a chance of escaping this life? I would not be choosing suicide. I would be fighting. But I tried to get out and failed and now realize - I am here until I die.

Alone,... lonely,... in pain. This is not the life I want. It's been ten years now since I have lived this poverty and now I have had enough. My old-timer acquaintences in this building are all slowly leaving. (dying or going in homes) leaving only the younger people coming in. I don't like the younger generation. I find them rude and entitled and have to be the centre of attention. Just loud and obnoxious. I liked the old quiet crowd,... but they seem to be all gone now. Everything is changing for the worse when it was already pretty difficult to cope. Now I dont even want to try.

I guess some people have good enriched lives. But not everyone is priviledged enough to have that. And I guess I am just one of those folks who was meant to have a bad life. 

I should have commit suicide 15 years ago. My life has been nothing but a worthless waste of breath since I fell down here. I have done nothing but "sit in Gods waiting room - waiting to die"

I should have left this earth 15 years ago. If only I had known back then that there would never be hope,... I should have just done it years ago,....

I just need to go,....

Never felt so alone in my life

 It is four o'clock in the morning. I dont' sleep much anymore. My mind won't stop. So here I am again,... wide awake. And today I am thinking about my Aunt Doreen. 

My Aunt Doreen is my Moms sister. We were very close at one time. Infact I thought of her as my Mother rather than Diane. I never even met Diane. But Doreen,... when we met, we hit it off right away. And we were close for so many years. But one night I called her and she wouldn't answer the phone. Just texted back she would call me tomorrow,.... but she never did. And to this day - I still dont' know what happened.

I am also thinking of my grand daughter. It is Easter. Which means it is her birthday. But having never met her or even knowing any of her birth story ~ i dont' even know her exact birth date. Its the end of April right around Easter. (although this year Easter is early). I think it's somewhere in between the 17th and the 24th. But I just don't know as noone wants me in her life.

So maybe being the Easter long weekend has brought up all of these feelings. Spending every holiday alone effects you. And you can't help but remember the times you were loved and wanted and celevrated every holiday with loved ones. 

What happened?????

now I am alone and hated and feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to reach out to my Aunt Doreen to let her know about the headstone and how her Moms name will be on it. I have lost track of all emails and phone numbers of everyoone in my past so I didn't even have a way to write her. But I eventually found a facebook page I messaged her on. But it didn't look like she even used it so I doubt she will even get the message. And if she does,... she will probobly just ignore me anyway,...

I am having a gard time coping knowing my baby granddaughter is having a birthday and I am purposely not included.

Hurtful

I have been feeling very empty of late and I know that is dangerous. When I am still feeling,... I am still alive. But when I lose the ability to feel - I know I am coming to my end.

I just don't care anymore 

I just want it all overwith

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more lonliness,...

no more feeling like the mentally ill monster everyone thinks I am

I need to delete this life and forget it ever happened

My life was a failure and it's time to pack it in and call it a day

There is no future for me

So why hang around struggling?

Time to set the plan in motion

I only pray Molly and Murphy will get a great loving home together

I have a special bond with animals. All of my life, I have felt much more comfortable around animals than I do around people. Animals take to me,... If I am in a room full of people (which I hate) if there is a dog or cat, it will find me. I think they sense my unease and seek me out to comfort. Animals just seem to 'get me' when humans don't.

After learning that I am different - unliked - by most people it completely changed how I live my life now. I no longer seek out friendships or human contact at all anymore. Knowing there is something about me that turns people off has left me feeling embarrassed and shame. So I purposely don't associate with humans at all anymore. I know they will eventually leave after they learn what a monster I am. A mentally ill monster,...

But animals,... they don't think I'm a monster at all. I think God knew that being unliked and unwanted would leave me horribly lonely. So he gave me this gift of having a precious rapport with animals. Over my lifetime I have had many pets. And those pets have got me through some really tough times.

And that is why I choose to get Molly and Murphy. And it has ended up being the best decision I could have made. My life is horrible. It's lonely,... I live in pain all day long. I live in poverty,... with no family or friends ~ because I am a monster. These two kittens have really filled a void for me. They have given me a purpose to get up in the morning. They are 9 months old now. My life is very very empty. So having these two around fills up my day.

It is the Easter long weekend right now. And as usual this unwanted - unliked monster is alone. Noone thought of me this Easter. Just another holiday alone. I am so used to it now I barely even register when there is a holiday. They are just another day to me. So there is no dinner,... no chocy bunnies,... nothing at all. Just another weekend. Alone.

Being ostracized is horrible. It leaves you sad,... empty,... with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I go days and days without even seeing another human being. My choice - it's what I strive for now. Stay out of humans way,... they hurt you,.... You are a mentally ill monster  ~ they hate you! You never recover from that,... it stays with you. It changes you,... your life is forever over. I knew I didn't have a future anymore. Noone wanted me! Where was a future with that???

I think God knew I was going to have a lonely and ostracized life. He knew my life was going to be miserable.

So he gave me the gift of animals. To this day, I know I can sit with my pet and they get me. When I am sad,... they seek me out and cuddle. When my blood pressure gets too high I pick up a cat and snuggle and my pressure goes down. I have this thing where I can put my forehead on an animals forehead and something clicks. A bond is formed. I can't explain it but animals don't judge me,... they don't get mad when I do something that I don't know is wrong yet everyone hates me for,... (???) I can't navigate relationships with humans. I dont' get what they want from me and they are always mad. But animals,... they don't do any of that. They just love,... 

I want to end my life by going through MAiDs in Vancouver. My life is that bad that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. It has become unbearable leaving me unable to do basic things anymore to take care of myself. With no doctor to help me I just can't go on. 

The pain is too severe now

But what do I do with these 2 beautiful cats??? My pain is too severe to put them first anymore. I just need to die to get some relief. I can't go on in this pain,....

But what do I do with Molly and Murphy? I can't go unless I know they will be in the care of someone who will take both of them together and love them and care for them like I do. In my life,... those two cats come before me. I cater to these kittens and they have everything they need. They are spoiled. They expect to be spoiled and loved.

I hate that I am left in so much pain that I am forced to make this decision. And I am resentful that I have no doctor which is forcing me to do this. 

I don't want to die!!!!!!!!! But I have no choice as the pain has become too unbearable.

But what do I do with these two kittens? They deserve so much. But in the end, I can't stay around just for them. My pain is just too bad. 

I fucking hate Ontario and Canada for putting me in this position. All they had to do was SEE ME,.... but I am invisable to this world.

I can't bear to do this to these two cats,... but I also can't bear the physical pain anymore,....

It's just time to go,...

I dont want to be here anymore.

Noone wants me

Noone noticed when I disappeared out of society

NOONE NOTICED I WAS GONE

I will end my life one way or another

If MAiDs Vancouver wont help? 

Then Vancouvers downtown eastside and fentanyl will

But however it happens

I will be dead by summer

And that can't come fast enough 

Fuck you Canada

You throw us away to rot and then say we can't commit suicide

well fuck you

I can do whatever the fuck i want

YOU are the ones who ignored me leaving me in pain

So fuck off and leave me alone and let me do what I need to do 

to finally get rid of this

PAIN!!

I will be dead in 6 months with this blood pressure but no doctor = no help - DEATH

 email I sent to Ontario Housing after they said they will not give me an emergency transfer out of my building:

I am emailing as there are no more tenant issue forms in the common room right now.

Darren Green is smoking in his unit and has been all morning.

If I am going to the unwanted decision of using MAiDs to end my life to escape the people in this building then I'll be making sure Darren Green gets evicted before I go. Even if he was evicted it still wouldn't help me as I would still have to endure the wrath of his bodyguard Mark.

But Darren Green was smoking at 9:58am this morning. But he will never get evicted as people like hm never do,...

I want this organization to know I have booked my plane ticket to Vancouver for June 30th. I am accessing MAiDs there as Ontario won't do it for me as I have no family doctor. The irony of that isn't even funny,...

Your organization told me on Tuesday that I am not important enough to break your rules or regulations. I am not a victim but an annoying Karen. It's bad enough that I am the VICTIM - yet I am the one who is having to die to escape,.... 

I wasn't worth the effort of helping me escape the bullies in this building. I guess the work was too much. Too much involved and it would stir up a huge hornets nest that has been going on for 10 years. 

I have my burial plot and headstone bought and paid for as of last month. I have taken care of every 'end of life' care I need to. Do I wan tto die? No,.... but I can never escape this building or the system where you are invisable.

My life is already hard,... I don't need to be afraid in my own home to walk out my front door.

I hope you all read this _ I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE IN THIS BUILDING OF BULLIES 

And on June 30^th that is what I am going to do

Thank you 

for not seeing me and my fear

And today??? Look at my blood pressure. No doctor!!!!!! I am so fed up of no health care and this is my blood pressure every morning.

I will be dead in 6 months time anyway,....

Becasue I am INVISABLE!

If Ontario Housings rules are more important than my safety ~ then I choose suicide as I can't see an escape. I am fed the fuck up of never being seen or helped

 I can't stay in this building. I am being bullied beyond comfort. So on Tuesday, I sat down - in person - with the woman in housing, to request an emergency transfer to another building. It's already bad enough that the 'victim' is being ignored and the one being made to move. But I was willing to do that to find peace. So imagine my surprise when I was told - yet again - NO. My situation doens't constitute as an emergency. I dont' fit in with their fucking rules and regulations,... and do you know what I heard in my head????

Your not important enough for us to see you as an individual. To us you are just a number - and if it doesn't fit into our rules and regulations? Then tough shit for you,....

And in hearing that? I heard "Your not worth the aggravation it would intale for us to help you,..."

Worthless,...

Invisable,...

Never worth the effort,...

So I made my decision. I leave for BC on June 30th and I am not coming back home. I am stopping on the downtown eastside of Vancouver and finally getting my end,.... fentenyl

Ontario has failed me to the point I no longer wish to breath. It's too painful,....

and if Ontairo housing's rules are more important than my safety and well being,.... then I guess I really am a worthless piece of shit

Not worth saving

So fuck you all,... roll on June 30th,... I have had enough of being a worthless piece of shit

I dropped out of life and noone even noticed,... so why the fuck am I here? 

NOONE noticed I was gone,... not loved,... not wanted,... not even noticed when I disappear,... so they won't notice when I die,...

I must be some kind of horrible mentally ill monster,... but I still dont' know what i've done,...

but I must be horrible,...

cuz I disappeared and noone even noticed I was gone,...

I wish I had never been born