Sad day

It's been a sad time around here. Murphy left us about dinner time yesterday and I have been crying on and off ever since. I knew I had become attached to him but I had no idea just how much. I miss him terribly.

The good news is he went to a wonderful home. An older couple who had lost their cat a few months earlier and were looking to get a new one. They have only ever had orange cats so they knew how mischievious and busy orange cats are. They were the perfect fit for him. They live in a house so he will have a lot more room. They already fell in love with him before they even left. And Murphy took to them well. He even gave the woman kisses.  They were here for about an hour so he got used to them while I was around. In the end it worked out perfect. I know he will be loved and looked after well. But I just miss him. He had such a big personality. Without him this place is so quiet. Poor Molly had a bad night. She spent most of it walking around looking for him. It broke my heart. She has settled down since I woke up and fed her. She is now sleeping contently. But I think it's going to be a sad adjustment for the both of us.

Love you Murphy,... I will miss you terribly,....

Sad day,...

Since I made the decision to move to BC, it's been full speed ahead. I have sold some of my stuff already and have more listed yet to sell. But the sad news is, I have to rehome Molly & Murphy. I didn't want to seperate them, however the young girl upstairs who has already befriended them would like to take Molly but can't take Murphy. (they really can't,...) so I made the difficult decision to seperate them. (the guilt). I put an ad in Kijiji and within a few minutes I had a message. A couple in Waterloo would like to come and see him. They just lost a cat of their own and feel it's time to get another one. I warmed up to them instantly. I spent the whole afternoon with Murphy. I keep getting weepy. I'll be talking to him and suddenly get all choked up and start to cry. So I know he senses something is up. I have become so attached to these two little kittens. But I just have to keep the bigger picture in mind.

A new life in BC

I don't feel like writing right now. My heart is heavy. My buddy Murphy will be gone in an hour,...

Murphy "Baba O'Reily"

Marketplace - a cesspool of scammers

 And here we go again,.... having to sell everything I own. And unfortunately that means opening my Facebook back up so I can sell it all on marketplace. 

I hate marketplace

I have only listed all my stuff and already I have dealt with a scammer.

They message you with no questions just 'Ok where are you?" so you give them your address but they wont give you a time. (??) People really do think they can say I dont know I'll let you know,... so you try and get them to tell you a day at least but they wouldn't,... so I just said no thanks - no time your picking up - then it stays for sale. They didn't even respond. WHY? 

I just can't stand that people don't respect your time. All i want is a day with either the morning, afternoon or evening. I think that is reasonable. To not even give a time? or day??? Something is up. So i went to find their profile and it wont let me. There is no 'see profile' button to click on. I googled the situation and they say if there is no button to see the profile? then it's a scam.

And I have to do this for the next 2 months. Deal with people who think they can 'drop by and pick it up this week sometime" or the other pet peeve I hate,.... trying to talk the price down. Once is ok,... but to continue to want a $50 item for $5 is just taking the mick. Fuck off,.... I am so sick of dealing with these people. But I have no choice. I need to sell my stuff. 

When I make a decision I don't let the grass grow

Well when I make a decision I don't procrastinate. Now that I know I am moving to BC I have already put the gears in motion. I put a bunch of stuff up for sale on Marketplace and have already sold a dozen things. 

I know I should slow down as nothing has been set in writing yet. But I hate it here so much I jsut can't stop myself from starting the process of getting the hell out of here. And in the end,... even if my plans in BC don't work out?

There is always the Downtown Eastside in Vancouver,... Canada's worst drug infested area. Getting a fatal dose of fentenyl here will be so easy,... I never want to have to do this,... but I won't be able to find the courage to make the leap to BC if i don't have that 'safety net'. Because once I give Ontario Housing my notice I am leaving,... that is it. There is no turning back.

My plan is to fly to Nanaimo on June 30th and look for a place to live. Buy an RV or rent a temperary place until I can find an RV to buy and a park to put it in. All of this could take a lot of time. So I am probobly going to have to fly back home and then tie up all the lose ends and then fly back to BC a second time. This way, I can bring a lot more with me as I am hoping to leave my stuff at my cousins and come home with an empty suitcase so I can bring the rest back on my second trip. I will probobly still have to mail out boxes through Canada Post like I did last year for the remainder. But this way I can bring everything I want to bring as long as it fits into a suitcase.

I am so excited. I have not told anyone yet. But I put up a bunch of posts on Facebook selling stuff in marketplace so my friends will all have seen that and will probobly wonder why I am selling all my things again.

I also put a post up saying I have to rehome Molly and Murphy. I just said due to unforeseen circumstances I am losing my home and need to rehome my kittens,...etc,... The problem is I don't want my family to know what I am doing - not yet anyway. I wanted to have some concrete plans before I say anything. But now someone on Facebook will have seen the post and will probobly let them know,... (I don't have them as friends) so far noone has contacted me to ask me anything. Not surprized. My experience over the years has told me noone cares what I am doing. So with that in my mind now,... I just live for me. I would just rather not have my family sending nasty messages about it. I just want to go and put it all behind me. It's been nearly a year since I last talked with them and noone has extended an olive branch. So I think I have to admit defeat and realize they are never going to.

Time to live for yourself. I need a life of my own. I have been 'on hold' for so long that I am miserable. Now I need to just do it,... just make some plans for your future and just do it.

Today is the beginning of a new life

I am making plans. Big plans. After speaking with my cousing yesterday, he gave me hope. Now, I have hope that I can leave this horrible place behind and not have to die to do it.

I am moving to BC. The plans have not yet been made but the decision has. I fly to BC on June 30th to look for an RV to buy and a park to put it in. And once that is done, I fly home and sell everything - again.

The only bad new? I can't take Murphy and Molly. It would not only cost way too much to fly them (about $1500 each) but I can't see them having a good time doing it. It would be too traumatizing for them. I will have to rehome them. But with the excellent vet care they have been given and their lovely sweet temperments I know I can find them a good home before I go.

I don't want to do that, but sometimes in life you just have to do what you have to do to move forward for a better life. They are still kittens and will survive just fine. I'm not happy about this but needs,... must and all that. Maybe whoever takes them will allow me to watch them grow up by keeping me posted on their lives. 

In life, sometimes you have to do things you dont' want to do in order to get ahead in other areas. And this is one of those times. I feel so guiilty but I really don't have a choose. There is no life for me in Ontario anymore and if I stay here I am sure I will end up homeless again as the cost of living and the horrible bullying in this building have forced me to leave. 

I have to do what I have to do ~ to survive.

I dont want to die. That was only because I couldnt survive. I just was getting priced right out of living here in Ontario.  MAiDs was my only escape. But this? this could be my alternative.

So I am starting a completely new mind set. HOPE. From here on in I have hope. That is something I haven't had in a very long time.

So I have decided to start a new blog. I will keep this one for my daily venting as it really does help to get it all out so I dont have to sit with it all day long. The new blog will be all about my new life and the jouney I will follow.

It's on the "Medium" blogging platform as I wanted something brand new. I am not familiar with this blog site so I am finding it hard to find the actual link to my blog posts and not the link to my editing page. So I'm not sure if this link will even work. But if it does,... this is my new blog.

My new blog at Medium

Lets hope,... for once in my life,.... I can escape this poverty 

Dare I hope?

I just had a long text thread with my cousin Brian in BC. This is the man who rescued me when I found myself homeless. He is the one who drove around Duncan looking for me and then taking me into his home. An RV in a trailer park. I had not seen this man in over 54 years. I met him once while my family was visiting all of the Morgans in 1972 when I was only 9 years old. We were both just small kids. We are now in our golden years,...

I texted him to let him know that I had deactivated all of my social media and that he would have to text or email me now. We got chatting and he really raised my hopes. 

I can move to BC 

He thinks I can buy a trailer for well under $40,000. (He only paid 10 for his) and then it would be about $1100 a month for the pad to place it on in a park. And he could look in the park he is living in right now. We actually chatted for awhile. Learning about all the ins and outs of RV living and the REAL overhead cost of it all. And we both thought that with my settlement money behind me to drain from when I'm short,... I could do this!

RV living is so different but I was willing to do it last year at 'that womans' (whos name I will never say again) in Crofton. So why can't I do it in Duncan with my cousin? At least I know my cousin has my best interest at heart. (You don't go looking for a long lost homeless cousin like he did for me unless you are a good person) I know i can trust him and Sheila.

I just need him really to get set up. I am a very independent person so I won't be bothering him to do this and do that. I have always done everything on my own. He also suggested that i dont even need a car. Duncan is small and a bicycle or ebike would work. Remeber I walked from one end of Duncan to the other while homeless. I know the town inside out and know I can get around. Duncan also has buses and doctors which Fergus doesn't have. 

So I have gone from miserably suicidal to having hope!

I am a tenacious person when i want something. I really hope to do everything I possibly can to try this again,...

Am I brave or stupid????

Is the BC dream really over?

I was happier

 homeless in BC

Than I am having a home in Ontario

I made some decisions today. I think it's clear I don't actually want to die. I just feel forced into it as I am so done with poverty and living in the system. I know that the absolute ONLY way to escape this is to buy property. Not rent,... buy. Renting is far too expensive. I can barely afford my rent now and I am in housing. So I need to buy a piece of land that NOONE can evict me from,... or tell me what to do. It will be MINE. I need a tiny plot with a tiny home on it. I have been researching this for a few years now. And I have found a place in BC that specializes in this. I emailed them to tell them exactly my monthly income as well as the $90,000 for buying the land. I asked them if this is just a pipe dream and I am being delusional? Or if it can be done? 

I am waiting to hear back from them now.

I also put a suggestion in my cousins ear who lives in an RV in an RV develpment. I asked him to think about bringing his RV onto any property that I buy. Not for both of us - just for him. I told him I could never live with someone anymore,... but someone parking on my property to share expenses could be an idea. Anyway again - a pipe dream. But the alternative is Death with MAiDs. So I owe it to myself to at least try. What have i got to lose? Nothing,....

I have seen land for as cheap as $50,000.00 in BC but I have also found that you have to be very careful of by-laws and zoning as a lot of land wont let you put a tiny home on it. (???) So I would definitely need a professional who knows all of these answers. I do not want to go through what I went through last year and get scammed. I need solid - legal - advice.

I know,... I know,.... I'm just desperate and dreaming,...

but what if,.... what if I could actually pull this off?

 I am so heartbroken that I'm not worth saving

All I wanted was a transfer but I wasn't worth the paperwork

S****,.... (employee at Ontario Housing)

 all you had to say was "I can see your really desperate so let me look into it for you,..."

 but all I got was NO,....

 no "but,...."

 no "let me look into it,... 

just no,...."

I wasn't even worth looking into,....

Just 

NO

I think Ontario housing just wants me gone

how could you look me in the eye

knowing I was so desperate

and say no

where has empathy and kindness gone,...

All i wanted was a fucking transfer

and all I got was 

NO

Fuck you S**** ******!!

I hope you can sleep at night

I am invisable to this world.

I have never been taken seriously. My pain has been so severe over the past 2 years but I can't even get seen or heard to fix it,...

I am being bullied and just need a transfer but I'm not worth the paperwork,...

Ontario Housing does nothing but placate. 

Noone seems to see or care that I am ending my life.

I am invisable

Not one person cares that I exist

I have never felt so alone and unworthy in my life

I just need to die now

So why stay?

 I don't know if this is a sign of living in Ontario Housing, or 'the system' or being mentally ill. But thinking about it I have to think it's a merging of all 3. But I have noticed a change in me over the past 10 years. 

If you have never felt it - you won't understand it. But being rejected - whether openly or just people ghosting you - it does something to your psyche. Every time it happens, a little piece of your self-confidense and your pride gets eroded. Every time you ask for something and get rejected? Or worse yet - not even seen. Ignored. A little piece of you erodes away. And over the years this rejection and feeling invisable takes its toll. 

I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to be so desperate for something and then told no,... we can't help you. 

Your not important! Your not worth the effort it would take us! You don't deserve help! THATS what I hear,.... and after years and years of people chipping away at you - you change.

I was never a saint. Far from it. But for the most part I never intentionally hurt anyone. I was not one to go out and physically hurt someone. I've never even hit anyone in my entire life. I tried to always be kind and fair to people. Of course it didn't always work out that way. A lot of times due to my mental illness and me not being able to read what I do that pisses people off, people do get hurt. But its never intentional.

As an adult I went to church twice a week. I volunteered for places freely giving my time. I wanted to be a good person and I tried hard to be one. But I think my illness prevented me from ever being 'normal' or even understanding what it is I do wrong. So, I ended up alone. Hated even by my own family.

And then on top of this, to live in this building,... to live in poverty,... to live in pain and be so alone is quite hard. And I will admit I didn't cope very well. But to have bullies on top of this and not even be taken seriously,... that leaves you more eroded. Every time someone says no - it hurts a bit more. I don't think I was ever conscious of this happening to me until now. Now I can see it. I have been rejected,... hated,... and ignored so many times I just internalized it all.

Now,... after 10 years of living here - I have changed. I went from a kind person wanting to help people in the building to being angry and resentful and hating people. I mean I really, really hate people now. I want nothing to do with anyone anymore. If I had money I would be out of here and in a cabin in the woods with no people. ***bliss***

But that is a pipe dream that will never happen. And becasue of that I know that my life will never change. I will be sitting in this unit watching tv until my heart gives out,... I can't do that.

I have to do what I have to do. If noone likes me anyway,... why stay? I mean people really do hate me. So why stay??? Even Ontario Housing won't help me,... so why stay?

It's sad how life changed me into someone so angry.

Lifes been hard. It hasn't been the life people think I had,... I was alone for most of it. Even when people were in my life - they didn't want to physically and actually 'be' with me. I was almost always alone.

So why stay?

Hated,... rejected,.... ignored,... a mentally ill monster,....

wouldn't everyone be better off if I just disappeared???

They will pretend they are sad,... but the truth is,... noone wants to be around me so they never actually liked me which means they won't miss me,...

so why stay?

 It just happened - exactly how I predicted it would,....

Arseen was sitting on his walker infront of the mailboxes in our lobby. He sits there to challenge us to have to say 'please move", in which case he then tries "You have plenty of room" and then you know how it goes,... in other words he just instigates and 99.9% of the time - I totally ignore him and just get my mail and leave. But today, after learning about how S***** isnt' going to help me, I don't care anymore. I am in a I dont give a fuck anymore mood, So I did exactly what Arseen wanted and I let him have it. BAD. He actually laughed ~ as he knows he got me. But I dont' care,... I have had enough!!!!!! More than enough!!!! I am mentally breaking down from it and my blood pressure is sky high from the stress. It's been 10 years of his nonsense and I have had enough!

I am done 

I let him have it and we all know what that means? He wins. The one time I lose it and fight back. And I gave him 10 years of built up frustration. I really let him have it!! But, Housing doesn't care about the truth. They just want their paperwork done - correct or not - as long as it's done and dusted and they can say they took care of it. Who cares if it's not the truth.

So I am whole heartedly expecting an eviction notice. I walked right into Arseens trap. 10 years I avoided talking back but today,... I lost it and now I lose.

You can't win once housing doesn't want you here. Once they label you as a problem you will get evicted at some point. No matter the reason,... they will find one. You will be gone. And thats what they are doing to me right now. They have been ever since I came back from BC. I honestly think Brianne got me in here and now that she isn't with the company? They want me gone as they never wanted me back in the first place. They want to remove this mistake.

They didn't evict darren for smoking in his unit every single day for 3 months in a row. Even with me writing him up over 35 to 40 times. I'll bet he got a letter just telling him to stop - which of course he didnt - he still smokes in their all day long with no consequennces. But for this,... what I did today? WILL get me evicted.

Good thing I already have my plans in motion,... by the time they have the legal rights to forceably remove me??? I will be in BC,... ending my life.

All they had to do was hear me and give me a transfer and NONE of this would be happening.

The bullies won and I will be dead 

doesn't seem fair somehow but nothing I can do about it. When people dont like you - you don't stand a chance.

I am nothing but a poverty ridden pain in the ass to this country

 This may be a long rant,...

Where to begin? The police and ambulance were here again yesterday. I have been communicating with this person (to be honest I don't even know how i got connected with them as I leave so many messgages now with organizations just to get help) But they referred me to anther organization which called the police on me. (after learning I'm ending my life) But instead of asking how or when or how serious? They just assumed and came a running lights and sirens,... nice. Instead of asking why I am doing this they just assume I am having a mental breakdown and want to cart me away,... passs the buck. They cant see "I cant look after myself anymore" They only see "suicide"

I am so done with this 'victim blaming mentality" that I am considering moving my plans up and ending my life sooner. I asked Ontario Housing for help. I think I may have made a complete post on this blog of my email to housing. The answer back was brutal. Not only will they not help but now I am the one to blame.

So I'm done with Ontario Housing. I will not live here anymore. They not only do not have my best interest at heart but in asking for help they have completely turned the tables and are now saying I called Arseen something and I started it. For the truth,  (and they have it on cctv!) I went to walk into the common room past Arseen, as you have to pass areseen, as he sits his walker right infront of the double doors and doesnt' move. So I looked at him ~ and he looked at me, as if to say,.. "Why you going in there to talk to housing???" He knew it was about him. So I said "Yes, I am trying to get you removed from this spot right infront of the doors" (this is not me being petty he challenges me every time I have to get past him and I just dont want to deal with him) and he lost it and started saying "Go to hell,... blah, blah,blah" I even wrote in S****'s email that "I finally lost it and yelled back" but she used that against me and blamed me for the whole thing. Her email was so "correct" She just thinks there is no problem ~ I am just being a Karen. Not in exact words of course - that would  be illegal. But a very politically correct and legally iron clad email back to me was just letting me know I will never be getting help from Ontario Housing. They are too inept at what they do to even see the truth. They are so REactive rather than PROactive all they seem to do is stamp out fires. Clueless to the bullying that goes on around here. And not just to me,... to many, many people who just hide in their units for peace. I am the only one who is Irish enough to call them out,... but that was a mistake,...

I don't feel safe here. But they wrote a memo (which I had to basically tell her what to say) and of course that did NOTHING. I knew it would do nothing. She doesnt' live in this world and cannot understand how nasty and evil people can be. She does not want to get involved so she PASSED THE BUCK to me. YOUR the problem

I didn't even entertain an answer to her. I informed her I will no longer be communicating with her at all and not to contact me again. I will instead get a lawyer and you can deal with them.

And then I called a lawyer. And I am awaiting their call back.

Ontario Housing is absolutely CLULESS to the abuse going on in this building and more dangerous,... they don't want to know,... so silence and putting their ostridge heads in the sand is easier,... let the victims of the bullies suffer and the bullies win. Much easier,...

Housing employees have no understanding of living in poverty and all the other abuse thatcomes with living in this building. They are lily white princesses who drive nice cars and have nice lives,.... they also have far too much control over our lives. One bad mood and we are threatened with their infamous eviction. WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING POWER. And when is it ok to use a persons HOME as leverage for bad behaviour. Or what they call bad behaviour. I call it being ignored for so long you lose it and have to have a loud conversation to even get their attention. They literally ignore every phone call and do not call you back. So after 3 or 4 attempts to hear from them and still get ignored???  I get frustrated and loud and *poof* now its my fault. Bad behaviour????? Oh we must evict you,...

The Karen is now gone and they get no consequences.

They don't seem to have to ansswer to why they never get back to us until we have to get mad. They dont seem to have to answer to anything,.... but we fart too loud and we lose our homes.

I refuse to live this way. I am being bullied here and I refuse to be bullied any longer.

Unfortunately, as a poor person you have no choices. You can't move out of here - your trapped. So the only escape is death. I have been saying this for 5 years now. 

And death it shall be as I am fed up and exhausted from trying to cope on my own with no help. I physically cannot do it anymore. I am exhausted!!! And in too much pain to even think anymore.

Roll up the date on my plans now,... as I'm so angry at being so disposable and USED. They do not want to deal with Darren Green so they do nothing. He gets to smoke in his unit. Another tenants bad behaviour wins while the rest of us have to go outside. They just don't want to deal

I have been cyber bullied by Tonya Halls for over 5 years and got zero help. Not even the police could help as she didnt' actually 'threaten my life' but even after telling housing - nothing was done.

But if you rasie your voice or dare to lose control and say fuck - your evicted.

Fuck you Ontario Housing I dont need this shit

Death sounds so easy and peaceful right now.

Infact,  Death sounds wonderful,.....

Roll on plans,... I have had enough,.... a person can only TAKE so much,....

Why has Canada made it so damn hard for Canadians to survive???

I cannot believe the cost of groceries right now, Infact everything in Canada has gotten so dear I can barely afford anything. So today I sat down and have made some choices to cut my grocery bill. I took a look at all of my main grocery items. What could I save on?,...

One was bread. Not only has bread gotten so expensive, but I don't have a lot of room in my tiny fridge/freezer to freeze much of it. So I bought a bread maker. Now I can make all my bread, dinner rolls and pizza dough. I can't even almost afford take out pizza. Why does a $17.99 pizza advertsided on their webiste cost $40 by the time it's delivered to your door????? I can't afford that! Thats nearly half my gorcery bill! But it is one of my favourite things to eat. I have been surviving on frozen but dont really like it. Now I can make my own fresh pizza. 

I plan on changing everything about my life to spend less. I have been watching Youtube videos on how to 'shrink' your life and make it easier,... smaller,... less,... If I had my wish, I would live in a small tiny house and live practically off-grid. My age and health prevent that complete cut from society but I would like to live the closest to that I could. I have no idea how but I am looking into it. 

I refuse to spend another wasted year in this building. If I can't escape, I will end my life so I NEED AN ESCAPE!

I dream of that tiny house ~ on a plot of land that is MINE! Noone can bully me or evict me ~ it's MINE! A pipedream that will never happen but I will never give up dreaming it until the last breath I take.

I can live on nothing. I have for years. If I can just escape this living arrangement my life could be so much better,...

I go to sleep wishing,.... hoping,... dreaming,....

but I know it will never happen and I will be forced to board that plane to BC ~ and never come back,....

Why has Canada made it so damn hard for Canadians to survive???

This place is a cesspool of nastiness and noone cares or helps

I know I talk a lot about the people in this building. But that is because they are different ~ sometimes to the point of creepy and borderline dangerous. Living here is not for the faint of heart. This is Ontario Housing. Home to drug addicts,... alcoholics,... the mentally ill,... all living in poverty on top of one another. Not a good situation.

I have always had problems with Arsene this old guy who I have dubbed "The king of the gargoyles". He is the only man amoung about 20 women he sits with and they just gossip,... they sit in the lobby and listen for anything they can use to hurt people. I have always disliked Arsene with a passion. He is just plain mean. Nasty.

Today while doing my laps I heard noise in the scooter room. No big deal as teneants park their scooters in there. But after 4 laps I noticed the noise stopped but noone had actually come out of the scooter room. So I went over to peek inside to see what the noise had been if noone was in there. To my surprise I see Arsene sitting on his walker ~ sleeping.  WHY is a man sleeping in our scooter room???????

So I woke him up by saying through the door "Why are you sleeping in the scooter room?" which of course woke him up. And he was MAD that I had said anything to him. He came after me. So I left but he still followed me angy. So I stopped and turned around and said "Arseen, look at this from my side, I see you sleeping in the scooter room - thats weird - I only said something because I thought you were DEAD" He was fuming and started shouting at me. I didn't care. I'm not the weird one sleeping in a scooter room,... All was recoreded on Tonyas doorbell camera (nosy cow placed it so she wouldn't miss a thing in the hall). So I know she will see it and have an opinion and it will now be all over the building. And this is exactly what I mean by there is nothing but nonsense in this place. 

NONSENSE

I left a 'tenant complaint' in the mailbox yesterday that they will be receiving today. It basically asked why Darren Green has had over 35 to 40 write ups about his smoking yet nothing has been done - when,... I was evicted with NO WARNING when Tonya witch-hunted me and said I was smoking in my unit. It was proven she lied and I was able to stay. But why did I get ZERO warnings while Darren has been smoking in his unit non-stop with multiple complaints (from me) and he gets to stay???? I told them this is a classic example of their 'two sets of rules'. One for the ones you like and one for the ones you don't and want gone,....

So after they read that I'm sure I will be reprimanded and probobly evicted myself. But at this point I just don't care. I wont' be alive by August 1st so I won't need my apartment. They can have their precious apartment,... My life has been nothing but hardship since I moved here. I want out anyway,.... I refuse to live in a place that allows people to get bullied so bad they are suicidal.

Living here is a minefield of bullies and gossips. All bored with nothing to do but hurt other people. I have had enough.

Roll on July ~ I plan on ending my life then.

Good ridence to a fucking prison of pain,... poverty,... bullying and hatred.

Good fucking ridence

My heart is broken

 Murphy and Molly as kittens

The one good thing in my life right now are my two little kittens, Molly and Murphy. I got them on my birthday last year (sept) when they were just tiny. They are now about 10 months old and they have gotten much bigger,... It has been so much fun to watch them grow up. I dont' regret getting them at all. 

Being a football (soccer) fan, I have taught them how to play. I put Murphy in goal and use Molly as a defender. I am the striker and shoot a piece of their kibble across the floor. Molly tries to intervene but more often than not, Murphy is the victor and ends up with the kibble. I should have named them Neville (Man U defender) and Schmeichel (Best Manchester United goalie). They are just so much fun.

But I can't help feeling sad as it does remind me that I should be playing with my grand daughter like this - not cats. I think about her all the time. Every tv show with a little ginger toddler has me feeling sad. I've just stopped watching shows that are about babies and children. Too much of a reminder of what I am missing. I dream of getting her a Manchester United kit and teaching her how to play footy (soccer). I want to teach her piano,... go camping,... and on day trips,... I just want to be with her. Sometimes my heart actually aches thinking about her. I sound like a love sick woman pining after a man. But I have no interest in a man or a love interest of any kind. My heart onlylongs for that little baby girl I have never even met. Funny how you can miss someone so badly that you have never even met. 

I just thought the other day, I have no contact with anyone from that side now so my daughter very well could have another child by now and I don't even know about it. How sad that people do this to each other. All I want to do is love. Love my daughters,... love my grandchildren,... so sad I will never see any of them again. 

I must be a monster. I can't think of any other reason that I am so bad I cant even see my grand child. I have given birth to 4 children,... yet here I am ~ alone.

My heart is broken.

Fuck you Ontario for leaving me to rot with no health care at all

It is a dreary overcast day. Cold,... wet,... not very inviting at all. I dont' think I am going to get outside again today,... :( So I guess it's another day of trying to fill in way too many empty hours. So boring,... I can't take the monotony of watching tv shows I have already seen. Over and over again,... time is my enemy now.

My pain has increased and i dont' know why. But I can barely cope with it anymore. If it stays this bad i may have to move my plans up and do it sooner.

I just can't cope with this pain anymore,....

And I am so angry and resentful and bitter that I know all I need is 5 surgeries and I could be well again. But with no doctor, they won't give surgeries,.... no office to do the admin which is a joke full of irony as I used to be a medical administrator ~ I could do the paper work myself!!!!!!!!! But no family doctor = no health care which equals UNNECESSARY overwhelming pain I can't deal with.

I am going to commit suicide becasue I have no family doctor to do paper work for my surgeries I so desperately need,... again,... rules and regulations come before a human soul suffering,...

I am not complaining anymore to anyone,... infact I have given up. I have started my new plan and it means I will be dead and buried before anyone realizes I am gone,...

I am refusing to live in pain becasue I dont' have a family doctor which means I won't get the health care I need,....

I am an invisable piece of shit that isn't worth saving apparently,... 

So this province,... this country,.... has NO fucking say what I do now. I asked for help ~ and got none and was left in severe overwhelming pain

You dont see me? Then you won't even notice I'm gone,...

Fuck you all for leaving me alone to rot,....

FUCK YOU ALL

Canada has given away BILLIONS while I suffer on $1408 a month as a natural Canadian citizen. Immigrants get more than I do a month!!!!!

I have become so disillusioned with our world. Ever since covid, the world has been different. And I don't like the changes. Infact, I have watched Canada systematically immplode due to our government. It has not been said,... but I strongly believe that Canada has spent all of our money and that is why the people on ODSP and OW are in such dire straits,... and to hear we just gave away 

• 120 MILLION for Sudan,....
• 2.5 Billion to support Ukraine,...
• 272 Million to the Indo-Pacific region,...
• 5.3 Billion for climate finance commitment which includes Philippines,... (what does that even mean?),...
• 9 Million just for 'international assistance" (didn't even say what that is)
• and here is the real sad one,... 25 Million in scholarships for more than 220 Indian students while Canadian students had their financial benefits taken away and now Canadian kids have to pay themselves.
• And here in Ontario? Premier Doug Ford ~ the Ontario Government just bought a 28.9 Million private jet just for the use of Doug Ford,.... while the folk in Ontario lose their homes and go hungry!!!!! DISGUSTING!

Yet people like myself BORN and RAISED in CANADA who are disabled or not working have to live on under $1500 a  month. I dont know everyones amount obviously, but I do know that folk on ODSP are not allowed to bring in more than $1408 a month as a single adult. (families would get more I hope) IMMIGRANTS GET MORE THAN I DO ~ not fair

So why do INDIANS get money?

So why do Sudanese get money?

So why do wars in other countries get money?

While Canadians are suffering,.... going hungry and losing their homes.

Homelessness is rampant,.... Canada is collapsing and yet our government is giving away our money. 

I give up. Maybe I should have been born in India and come to Canada as an immigrnat and I would have done much better. As a natural Canadian I am choosing to die rather than live in poverty. And it's all becasue Canada seems to HATE Canadian citizens,...

The Canadian government has let all Canadians down!!!!!!

And I can't survive in this poverty and being invisable to my country,...

FUCK YOU Canada,.... I am choosing death over your poverty

Wake up and start seeing CANADIANS and stop giving our country away!!!!!!

You have to die to escape this horrible life

I write on here to vent ~ and that is all. I do  not want people to read it. I used to leave it open but that was a huge mistake. Tonya Halls and Darren Green in this building used it for material to hurt me,... nice. I write a blog about the struggles of my mental illness and they use it against me to hurt me. That right there tells you the type of people i am dealing with. Low life scum bags that would hurt their own mother to get what they want. To use a blog about my mental illness was just low. 

So I had to lock it up. And it has been locked up tight ever since. Yesterday, I must have accidently set it to public. I sometimes do this while I am writing that days post. But I always turn it back to "private only to author" when i am done. I then keep an eye on my stats which should read 0 and then I know it's locked up. I don't know what happened yesterday but it got left open and it stayed open all day and night until i found it this morning. I immediately locked it back up again but the damage has already been done. 170 people opened it up and read it. If they are just random strangers who happened upon it? No big deal,... but I fear it was seen by my enemies here in this building. Tonya Halls and Darren Green.

How could I have been so careless????????

I have no way of knowing who has read it,... so I have to assume they did and know everything now. 

This buillding is the worst place I have ever lived. I wished when I moved in 10 years ago that I had not talked to a soul. Just put my head down - kept myself to  myself - and just reamin under the radar. Infact I was warned by people about Tonya,... but I didn't listen. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I wish I had known that the folk in here are parasites. It would have saved me alot of heartache and harrassment.

If I were to get transfered (which I'm not as apparently you have to be physically attacked first before they will grant you an emergency transfer) I would never speak to another tenant in that new building. I would put up walls so high they dont' even know my name,....

Sadly, all I have learned living here is that people love to hurt you,...(????) I mean really???? Who makes up fake Facebook profiles just to send nasty huhrtful messages to me to hurt me????? Just lowlife childish scum,.... Tonya Halls. A grown ass woman who behaves like a 12 year old on the playground. A nosy bully. She was definitely the downfall of living here. If she was never here??? I would probobly be ok. But she made it her goal in life to harrass and hurt me and she did. Over and over again until she got me evicted,..... CUNT!!!!!!~

But theres no leaving this building. I am trapped. And the only escape is DEATH/

I resent this country,... this province,... this bulding,.... they haven't helped me!!!! They have harrassed and witch-hunted me until I was suicidal,....

And with no way to escape,.... I have chosen death.

If anyone can help me - please help!!!!! Becasue if no help comes by the time I board that plane to BC, it will be too late,....

I will not be coming back,....

I will be taking an overdose of fentanyl and dying

THATS what you have to do in canada as you wont' get help

You have to die to escape the pain,... the poverty,... the bullying,....

you have to DIE to escape,...

How fucking sad is that?

Maybe I need to find an abandoned house and disappear,.....

When I turned youtube on this morning, the documentary "God Knows Where I Am" popped up. I have not only seen this documentary before, but I was deeply effected by it. In Linda Bishop, the woman the documentary is about, I saw someone who felt the same way I did about society and mental illness.

Society has one answer for the mentally ill. medicate them and/or hospitalize them. I get that,... it makes life much easier for the families involved. Medicate them until they don't know what day of the week it is and the family get their peace. The person medicated is drugged,... and mechanical. When I was on meds I never, ever, ever felt well. They upset my stomach leaving me nauseous. They left me feeling like a zombie - a stepford wife. It made life easier for the family,.... but it made life empty and paralyzing for the patient.

But as long as the family is happy,... who cares that we feel like an empty vessel not even able to feel,.... thats not a life. But as long as we shut up and stop being annoying - our families will love us.

if not - then we are monsters they have to protect themselves from.

I did notice one difference in Linda Bishops life that was different from my own. Even though this woman was extemely un-well and made life hard for her family and loved ones - THEY NEVER GAVE UP OR STOPPED LOVING HER! They never pulled down the shutters leaving her out. They watched her be so destructive - yet - still loved her,...

This is what my family said to me,...

So how am I suppose to feel knowing Linda bishop was 50 times worse than i was - yet her family still loved and wanted her,....

So I must be the worlds worst monster if my family can't even see any good in me at all,.... 

I am a worthless - useless - piece of shit that doens't deserve the air I breath,.... 

I can't bear being so unloved and unwanted and actually HATED!

I just can't bear it,....

What the fuck did I do that made me feel like the worst human being that was ever born,...

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

What did I do???????

I am so confused and hurt I just can't bear it

Jesus, take me home 

77 days and counting

April 14th. My grand-daughters birthday is sometime this week. I'm not even sure of the exact date. I can't settle. I should be packing and going to Barrie to celebrate my granddaughters birthday. But I am not wanted,...

Many years ago I received a phone call from a Toronto hospital asking if I knew a Bill Holyoak. I told her yes, he was my uncle. I had never met him, but I did know his daughter. She told me that he had died and they didn't have a next of kin to call. So I told her I would pass the details on to my cousin - which I did. But I am talking about this, as here is yet another Holyoak that died alone. Isolated,... So much so that noone even knew who to call when he died.

And this is now me. isolated and alone. 

My mother,... and my grandmother both died alone and isolated too. My Mom lived in a trailer in the mountains of BC alone with her pets. My grandmother, Ida, lingered for 15 years in a nursing home with noone visiting her. 

The Holyoak curse,... 

But the truth is I haven't felt wanted or normal since the day I was born.

I don't know what it is people want from me. I try,... but they just don't like me. It's actually quite painful. So I too, will die in isolation. Lonely and feeling like a monster.

My days are getting too hard now. Too much pain. Every time I move my body, I feel pain. Every,... single,.... move,.... it's relentless and exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

All I can say before I go is,.... I tried,... I really did try. But I don't even know what I did wrong,....

I just wish I had never even been born. What was the point???? 

Countdown to D-day,.... 77 days

I just want to die

I am never getting a doctor. I had made a bunch of calls a few weeks back in yet another attempt to get health care. Someone called me today to say there is a doctor accepting new patients,...

But it's in another town,.... and it's a male,.... and his name is so long I couldn't even pronounce it. Indian. I do not want a male doctor. I especially don't want a male indian doctor and before you go saying I am racist,... I had a very bad experience with a male indian doctor and I will never go back to another one.

THAT is what this province can offer me????? A first year doctor in antoehr town I can't even get to???? It's laughable at this point.

So I give up. I don't even want a doctor now. I am too far gone anyway. My pain is so severe I just want to die now.

If I had gotten proper help after I got hit by the car, I think I would have been ok. But not having a family doctor fucked me.

So now I just want to die.

I know the way,... I know the date,...

Fuck you Canada _ I hate that you threw me away and left me to rot on my own when i coulnd't take care fo myself anymore.

Fuck you all for leaving me to struggle

FUCK YOU!!!!!

Ontairo Housing refuses to help and I'm going to die for that

 Right now my life depends on whether I can get Darren Green evicted or not. It is clear the two of us cannot live in this building together. His raging and revenge just isn't stopping.

So I asked for a transfer and was told no. I was so upset about that as it told me that Ontario Housings rules are more important than their tenants safety. I literally told ***** that if she says no - I have a plane ticket booked June 30th to go to Vancouver to get MAids as thats how desperate I am to escape this building. 

The answer was still no.

My plane ticket still stands.

The only way I will escape this mess and not have to die to do it, is to get rid of Darren Green ~ right out of this building. And the only way I can do this is to write him up every time he smokes in his unit. And the idiot is doing it every single day - multiple times a day. He must think we are stupid if he thinks he is getting away with it. He doesn't realize that no matter how many blankets he hangs up - we can still smell it!! And his coughing fit while doing it is another dead give away. He is walking right into my hands,...

Darren Green underestimates me. He does not realize that my life literally depends on him getting evicted,... and I will not stop trying until the day I board that plane to Vancouver to end my life.

If I'm ending my life to escape this place,....?? I'm taking that asshole who caused all the problems with me.

If I have to die - HE is going to be homeless.

The absolute only way I will not end my life, is if Darren Green is evicted or Ontario Housing come to their senses and realize I WILL commit suicide if they don't transfer me out of here.

My life literally depends on getting Darren green evicted,...

What a horrible system I live in that to protect myself I have to either die or evict another person and make them homeless.

This life sucks 

If only Housing would help,... none of this would be happening

 My days are so empty now. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. My heart is empty. My life is empty.

tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... tick,... the hands on the clock move so slowly. Minutes feel like hours,... hours feel like days,... time seems to stand still. Boredom eats away at my brain like an itch. I can't settle. I can't seem to sit still. In between shows on the tv I get up and pace. 

pace,... pace,... pace,...

I have no human contact anymore. My choice. Safer this way. But the lonliness,... the lonliness overwhelms you. My chest hurts,... aches,... 

Every inch of my body wants to lay down and die,...

Medical Assisatance in Dying is nothing but a scam ~ they dont intend on helping anyone die

 Ontario MAiDs si nothing but a scam. I just called them and told them my story but she didn't even really listen . I could tell she was just waiting for me to stop talking so she could give me the 'speel'. They had no intention of helping me die. She instead told me to go to my local walk-in and ask for a referrl to a fibromyalgia specialist,....

WTF? She has never met me and didn't even listen to my story,.... they are told to start with pain relief and do 5 years of specialists before they will even consider MAiDS. Where are all of these people who are complaining because MAiDs is killing everyone who asks?????? Not here!!!! Not in Ontario,.... I have now tried 3 times and been denied.

Who the fuck are they to be GOD and decide who gets it and who doesn't,.... 

I told her to forget it I'll do it myself,...

How fucking dare they????? 

MAiDs is a fucking joke

I fly to BC now and take a fatal overdose

FUCK YOU MAIDS

To my Family,... 

All I ever wanted was to be loved and wanted.

But you guys never wanted me. Even after I got you girls back, you kept our relationship at arms length never fully letting me in. It was like you were scared of me. I have never hit or abused either of you girls. Infact I have never even yelled or raised my voice to you. Yet, somehow,... I became the monster mother.

I did not feel close to you girls ever again after your father stole you from me. You don't agree but I KNOW you were persuaded by the opinions of your father, his wife, and your Uncle and Aunt. It was very, very sutle but their influence was there whether you saw it or not. 

I was mentally ill but tried my best. I was punished for being mentally ill.

As a mother we LIVE for our children. And without my children, I felt I had no life. Yet all you girls and my so called 'family' could do was say,... "all you talk about is Maids and dying. We're tired of it so just do it already,..." That seems to be your attitude.

But your completely missing the whole point. I dont' have you girls in my life and it has killed me. Without my children ~ and remember ~ I have already buried two ~ I don't see the point of living. Life is about family but my family abandoned me. 

If you girls were in my life ~ sincerely ~ meaning you actually liked me, and wanted to be around me (which has not been the case) then I would not feel the need to die. I would be happy and fulfilled, as I would have my dream. My girls,... my family.

But you both rejected me. And without my children ~ and knowing the situation will never change (You all certainly made that clear) then I no longer wish to be alive. What for?

Pain,... poverty,... lonliness,... being rejectred and hated?????

So you all need to know that I wouldn't feel the need to die if someone just loved me,....

but noone does,... you girls don't even like me.

SO THAT is why,....

To me the only reason for living is family,... and without one I just don't care to be alive.

So dont' turn around and say "We tried to help but she wouldnt' listen to us" because that will be bullshit.

YOU wouldnt even answer your phones,.... you hated me 

I was just an annoying interference in your lives. And I will go to my grave knowing my own children HATED me.

Why was I even fucking born????????

So your off the hook. You can turn around and justify my death any way you want. But the truth is you rejected me and I couldn't handle it. 

I have been hanging around - waiting - but your not coming back

so it's definitely time to just die

The horrible mentally ill monster just needs to die

Good riddence to a worthlessm invisable piece of shit

Have a nice life girls,....

I do love you ~ but you didn't love me back,....

Justify it all you want to but I wanted you - YOU didn't want me.

I was only good for a place to get sober when noone else would take you. I TOOK YOU  IN and you still hated me,....

I couldn't win for trying.

Noone will ever understand how it feels to be so hated,....

I just need to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hold out NO HOPE Ontario will help me. They have failed me

Today was horrible,... unbearable,... and I can't do this anymore.

So I made some phone calls. I am going to go through MAIDS. I did some digging and apparently you don't need a family doctor to access MAIDS. So I called 811 and left my details with them and now I wait. A registered nurse is going to call me back in the next 24 to 48 hours. I am not taking no for an answer this time. I will let them know if they won't help I already have a call out to MAIDS in Vancouver and I'm now waiting to hear from them too. And between the two provinces./// ONE of them better be able to help me.

Becasue if they dont???? I have definitely had enough and will just do it myself.

I will try the right and legal way,.. but experience has shown me they wont help,... they will have some excuse why I can't go through MAIDS. But I dont care. if they say no,... I have a back up plan.

But I no longer wish to live and now all I do is plan my death

Theres nothing else to do anyway,.... my life is that empty

I hope Ontario will help me,... but experience tells me they dont' give a fuck what happens to me,... so i really dont' give much hope getting any help of any kind here in Ontario,... they have FAILED me.

But one way or another - I will be dead this summer.

Fuck you Ontario Housing

There used to be a time, many, many years ago,.... when peoples lives mattered. That is gone,... 

I, desperately, went to housing to ask for a transfer to get away from all of this bullying. I was told NO. The rules state you have to be domestically violated to get a transfer. In other words, they need you to wait until you finally get physically hurt before they will help.

It's just a rule. She saw how desperate I was, but a rule cannot be broken. I wasn't worth the hassle. So now,... I have nothing left to lose. I will be dead and buried this summer so it's not going to care if Ontario Housing is mad I dared to speak up and say "You failed me". I called them and left them a message saying just that this morning. I am expecting an eviction notice any day now for daring to speak up!

S**** ~ You looked me right in the eye. SAW how desperate I was. HEARD I will choose death and STILL said no. FUCK YOU! YOU just signed my death certificate.

Now,... I plan my death. If Vancouver MAiDs fails me too??? Then June 30th I fly to Vancouver and then on to the Island to spend my first vacation in 26 YEARS! I will not give that up. But I will not be using my plane ticket to come home. I will fly from the Island to Vancouver airport and then I get off and walk to the downtown eastside.

My Fahter died here,... My Mother died here,... and I guess I am too,...

One fatal hit of fentanyl and it will all be over.

FUCK YOU Ontario Housing for choosing your rules over a human being.

I am dying because I am invisable and NOT WORTH helping

FUCK YOU Ontario Housing

You could have helped ~ You CHOOSE not to,...

Life is just so cheap and disposable now. Well, you can have your apartment back. And within 2 months I will be gone, buried and forgotten about and some other stranger will be living in my unit.

*** poof **** gone,... and noone fucking cared,...

FUCK YOU Canada,... Ontario,... Ontairo Housing and the whole fucking system that is designed to not allow you to get out!!!!!

Finally - Good news!!

 Finally! Good news! My phone rang a few minutes ago. It came up as 'suspected spam' so I wasn't even going to answer it. But in the end I did. (gut feeling?) It was Service Canada. I have been accepted for the National Disability Benefit! $200.00 a month. When you only get $1408,... an extra $200 is a big bonus. Between now and September is going to be really tight but now I can get better groceries. Meat,... produce,... I'm getting quite sick of the 'beige' diet. People who live in poverty have to a lot of preserved foods as it's much cheaper. I have always thought there is something wrong with that. It's like they encourage people to buy crap rather than good wholesome food. Now I can squeeze a few more luxuries into my kitchen. I have said that I will never starve. I am the queen of budgeting and can stretch a budget like elastic. But theres no 'fun' stuff in that. No chocolate (my addiction ~ KitKat, Mars, Aero bars,...) No cookies,... or Ice Tea. Just the basics. They feed me - but once in awhile I really do dream of hot roast beef dinner with all the trimmings,... a luxury for some people nowadays. I haven't had roast beef in years,.... maybe that will be the first thing I treat myself to after my first payment.

I applied for it two years ago and was denied because I didn't have the back of one of my ID's photo copied. Its difficult for me to get into town to get photo copies so it got shelved. I finally re-applied last month and this time it looks like I got it. And i don't even have to get any photo copies. It's all done ~ accepted ~ just waiting for the deposit into my account,...

I really needed this. Something positive to happen. And this is very positive.

Well done Canada! You came through for me. I know most people are laughing at me being soo excited over $200, but to me its a lot and well really help. 

I am grateful!!! Thank you,... Thank you,... Thank you,...

Living in housing is just,... unsettling

As I say on here almost everyday now, I don't sleep much anymore. Infact I am awake by four or five every morning now. And thats not really because of the kittens. It's just me. I have heard as you get older and enter into your 'senior' years you require less sleep. Maybe this is all that is happening now. But I don't think so. I think I'm just stressed so much it's deeply effecting my sleep. But whatever the reason, here I am again - up at four. 

Now when I write about this, I am sincerely not trying to be unkind. I am merely stating facts to show what it is like to live in this building. Ontairo Housing. The lowest of the low,... the poorest of the poor,... the oddest of the odd,... all the bottom feeders ~ not my term obviously, as I am one of them, but a term used often to describe us at the bottom. Again, I am not trying to be unkind - just stating facts. The people who live in housing have issues. Financial,... mental,... or physical. And sometimes all three. These are people who have problems holding down jobs due to physical disabilities or mental states. No job = poverty ~ and that lands you here.

I ended up here when I couldn't work anymore due to the fibromyalgia pain. I was divorced and lived on my own so had noone to 'pick up the slack' while I got myself sorted. Instead I just had to stop working which slowly led to the downfall of my life. Had to go into housing,... go on disability,... and before you know it ~ your a bottom feeder.

So in talking about the folk here it is just facts of how they are. (not judgement) I am just showing how I can never let my guard down and never feel safe in this building. 

As I do every morning, while my coffee is brewing, I go out into the hall to look out the hall window which looks out over the parking lot and gazebo. It faces the other building. Today, mother nature is drunk, as it is very cold and snowing. Not a day to be outside. Yet as I squint through the snowflakes, I see J** (who is suppose to be in rehab) walking through the parking lot going over to the other building. She knocks on someones door and goes in. It's not even 5:30 in the morning! I start to do a few laps in the hall. I wake up in severe pain most mornings and sometimes just doing a few laps of the hall loosens me up a little aleviating the pain a bit. I was on my third lap when I look out one of the windows as I walk, and there is A****n (the guy I was having issues with a few weeks ago being creepy to me). Now he is outside - in the cold - in the snow - just walking around. Aimlessly. If he was smoking I would just say hes having a smoke break. But he's not smoking. It's too cold and windy and snowy to smoke. He is just walking around,... like he is lost. This man has been deteriorating right before my eyes. Over the past few months he has become creepy and unpredicatable forcing me to ignore him until he got the hint. To his credit - he has completely left me alone. He has no bad intentions. He is just off his meds and a schizophrenic. So that leaves me cautious. And J**, she must have walked out of rehab. It's been less than a week. Which means she will be walking around knocking on everyones door at all hours of the day and night - high - grifting for stuff. 

Living here is navagating a minefield of odd and unsettling personalities. Not just one. Many. This is where they all end up. On the bottom. All in one place. And I live amoung them. (which shows I'm not perfect either, sadly,...) Not everyone living here is different. There are many nice people here. But unfortunately there seems to be more 'odd' and 'marginalized population',... 'The precariously housed'. I don't make up these terms. Some rich person thought they would be kind to use politically correct terms. But to us 'down here' its' all the same no matter what lipstick you put on the name. It's the bottom of the social ladder. A cesspool of people - thrown away by society and left to fend for themselves. Some have families,... some have social workers,... some, like myself, have noone and have to cope alone. But whatever the situation is, it's not usually easy. These people are struggling. And we seem to be forgotten about. So noone can get the hell out of here no matter how hard they try. Once you are in the system - you can't get out. And thats whats so frustrating and leaves you feeling so hopeless. If I thought I had a sliver of a chance of escaping this life? I would not be choosing suicide. I would be fighting. But I tried to get out and failed and now realize - I am here until I die.

Alone,... lonely,... in pain. This is not the life I want. It's been ten years now since I have lived this poverty and now I have had enough. My old-timer acquaintences in this building are all slowly leaving. (dying or going in homes) leaving only the younger people coming in. I don't like the younger generation. I find them rude and entitled and have to be the centre of attention. Just loud and obnoxious. I liked the old quiet crowd,... but they seem to be all gone now. Everything is changing for the worse when it was already pretty difficult to cope. Now I dont even want to try.

I guess some people have good enriched lives. But not everyone is priviledged enough to have that. And I guess I am just one of those folks who was meant to have a bad life. 

I should have commit suicide 15 years ago. My life has been nothing but a worthless waste of breath since I fell down here. I have done nothing but "sit in Gods waiting room - waiting to die"

I should have left this earth 15 years ago. If only I had known back then that there would never be hope,... I should have just done it years ago,....

I just need to go,....

Never felt so alone in my life

 It is four o'clock in the morning. I dont' sleep much anymore. My mind won't stop. So here I am again,... wide awake. And today I am thinking about my Aunt Doreen. 

My Aunt Doreen is my Moms sister. We were very close at one time. Infact I thought of her as my Mother rather than Diane. I never even met Diane. But Doreen,... when we met, we hit it off right away. And we were close for so many years. But one night I called her and she wouldn't answer the phone. Just texted back she would call me tomorrow,.... but she never did. And to this day - I still dont' know what happened.

I am also thinking of my grand daughter. It is Easter. Which means it is her birthday. But having never met her or even knowing any of her birth story ~ i dont' even know her exact birth date. Its the end of April right around Easter. (although this year Easter is early). I think it's somewhere in between the 17th and the 24th. But I just don't know as noone wants me in her life.

So maybe being the Easter long weekend has brought up all of these feelings. Spending every holiday alone effects you. And you can't help but remember the times you were loved and wanted and celevrated every holiday with loved ones. 

What happened?????

now I am alone and hated and feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to reach out to my Aunt Doreen to let her know about the headstone and how her Moms name will be on it. I have lost track of all emails and phone numbers of everyoone in my past so I didn't even have a way to write her. But I eventually found a facebook page I messaged her on. But it didn't look like she even used it so I doubt she will even get the message. And if she does,... she will probobly just ignore me anyway,...

I am having a gard time coping knowing my baby granddaughter is having a birthday and I am purposely not included.

Hurtful

I have been feeling very empty of late and I know that is dangerous. When I am still feeling,... I am still alive. But when I lose the ability to feel - I know I am coming to my end.

I just don't care anymore 

I just want it all overwith

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more lonliness,...

no more feeling like the mentally ill monster everyone thinks I am

I need to delete this life and forget it ever happened

My life was a failure and it's time to pack it in and call it a day

There is no future for me

So why hang around struggling?

Time to set the plan in motion

I only pray Molly and Murphy will get a great loving home together

I have a special bond with animals. All of my life, I have felt much more comfortable around animals than I do around people. Animals take to me,... If I am in a room full of people (which I hate) if there is a dog or cat, it will find me. I think they sense my unease and seek me out to comfort. Animals just seem to 'get me' when humans don't.

After learning that I am different - unliked - by most people it completely changed how I live my life now. I no longer seek out friendships or human contact at all anymore. Knowing there is something about me that turns people off has left me feeling embarrassed and shame. So I purposely don't associate with humans at all anymore. I know they will eventually leave after they learn what a monster I am. A mentally ill monster,...

But animals,... they don't think I'm a monster at all. I think God knew that being unliked and unwanted would leave me horribly lonely. So he gave me this gift of having a precious rapport with animals. Over my lifetime I have had many pets. And those pets have got me through some really tough times.

And that is why I choose to get Molly and Murphy. And it has ended up being the best decision I could have made. My life is horrible. It's lonely,... I live in pain all day long. I live in poverty,... with no family or friends ~ because I am a monster. These two kittens have really filled a void for me. They have given me a purpose to get up in the morning. They are 9 months old now. My life is very very empty. So having these two around fills up my day.

It is the Easter long weekend right now. And as usual this unwanted - unliked monster is alone. Noone thought of me this Easter. Just another holiday alone. I am so used to it now I barely even register when there is a holiday. They are just another day to me. So there is no dinner,... no chocy bunnies,... nothing at all. Just another weekend. Alone.

Being ostracized is horrible. It leaves you sad,... empty,... with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I go days and days without even seeing another human being. My choice - it's what I strive for now. Stay out of humans way,... they hurt you,.... You are a mentally ill monster  ~ they hate you! You never recover from that,... it stays with you. It changes you,... your life is forever over. I knew I didn't have a future anymore. Noone wanted me! Where was a future with that???

I think God knew I was going to have a lonely and ostracized life. He knew my life was going to be miserable.

So he gave me the gift of animals. To this day, I know I can sit with my pet and they get me. When I am sad,... they seek me out and cuddle. When my blood pressure gets too high I pick up a cat and snuggle and my pressure goes down. I have this thing where I can put my forehead on an animals forehead and something clicks. A bond is formed. I can't explain it but animals don't judge me,... they don't get mad when I do something that I don't know is wrong yet everyone hates me for,... (???) I can't navigate relationships with humans. I dont' get what they want from me and they are always mad. But animals,... they don't do any of that. They just love,... 

I want to end my life by going through MAiDs in Vancouver. My life is that bad that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. It has become unbearable leaving me unable to do basic things anymore to take care of myself. With no doctor to help me I just can't go on. 

The pain is too severe now

But what do I do with these 2 beautiful cats??? My pain is too severe to put them first anymore. I just need to die to get some relief. I can't go on in this pain,....

But what do I do with Molly and Murphy? I can't go unless I know they will be in the care of someone who will take both of them together and love them and care for them like I do. In my life,... those two cats come before me. I cater to these kittens and they have everything they need. They are spoiled. They expect to be spoiled and loved.

I hate that I am left in so much pain that I am forced to make this decision. And I am resentful that I have no doctor which is forcing me to do this. 

I don't want to die!!!!!!!!! But I have no choice as the pain has become too unbearable.

But what do I do with these two kittens? They deserve so much. But in the end, I can't stay around just for them. My pain is just too bad. 

I fucking hate Ontario and Canada for putting me in this position. All they had to do was SEE ME,.... but I am invisable to this world.

I can't bear to do this to these two cats,... but I also can't bear the physical pain anymore,....

It's just time to go,...

I dont want to be here anymore.

Noone wants me

Noone noticed when I disappeared out of society

NOONE NOTICED I WAS GONE

I will end my life one way or another

If MAiDs Vancouver wont help? 

Then Vancouvers downtown eastside and fentanyl will

But however it happens

I will be dead by summer

And that can't come fast enough 

Fuck you Canada

You throw us away to rot and then say we can't commit suicide

well fuck you

I can do whatever the fuck i want

YOU are the ones who ignored me leaving me in pain

So fuck off and leave me alone and let me do what I need to do 

to finally get rid of this

PAIN!!