Never felt so alone in my life

 It is four o'clock in the morning. I dont' sleep much anymore. My mind won't stop. So here I am again,... wide awake. And today I am thinking about my Aunt Doreen. 

My Aunt Doreen is my Moms sister. We were very close at one time. Infact I thought of her as my Mother rather than Diane. I never even met Diane. But Doreen,... when we met, we hit it off right away. And we were close for so many years. But one night I called her and she wouldn't answer the phone. Just texted back she would call me tomorrow,.... but she never did. And to this day - I still dont' know what happened.

I am also thinking of my grand daughter. It is Easter. Which means it is her birthday. But having never met her or even knowing any of her birth story ~ i dont' even know her exact birth date. Its the end of April right around Easter. (although this year Easter is early). I think it's somewhere in between the 17th and the 24th. But I just don't know as noone wants me in her life.

So maybe being the Easter long weekend has brought up all of these feelings. Spending every holiday alone effects you. And you can't help but remember the times you were loved and wanted and celevrated every holiday with loved ones. 

What happened?????

now I am alone and hated and feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to reach out to my Aunt Doreen to let her know about the headstone and how her Moms name will be on it. I have lost track of all emails and phone numbers of everyoone in my past so I didn't even have a way to write her. But I eventually found a facebook page I messaged her on. But it didn't look like she even used it so I doubt she will even get the message. And if she does,... she will probobly just ignore me anyway,...

I am having a gard time coping knowing my baby granddaughter is having a birthday and I am purposely not included.

Hurtful

I have been feeling very empty of late and I know that is dangerous. When I am still feeling,... I am still alive. But when I lose the ability to feel - I know I am coming to my end.

I just don't care anymore 

I just want it all overwith

No more pain,... no more poverty,... no more lonliness,...

no more feeling like the mentally ill monster everyone thinks I am

I need to delete this life and forget it ever happened

My life was a failure and it's time to pack it in and call it a day

There is no future for me

So why hang around struggling?

Time to set the plan in motion