I have a special bond with animals. All of my life, I have felt much more comfortable around animals than I do around people. Animals take to me,... If I am in a room full of people (which I hate) if there is a dog or cat, it will find me. I think they sense my unease and seek me out to comfort. Animals just seem to 'get me' when humans don't.
After learning that I am different - unliked - by most people it completely changed how I live my life now. I no longer seek out friendships or human contact at all anymore. Knowing there is something about me that turns people off has left me feeling embarrassed and shame. So I purposely don't associate with humans at all anymore. I know they will eventually leave after they learn what a monster I am. A mentally ill monster,...
But animals,... they don't think I'm a monster at all. I think God knew that being unliked and unwanted would leave me horribly lonely. So he gave me this gift of having a precious rapport with animals. Over my lifetime I have had many pets. And those pets have got me through some really tough times.
And that is why I choose to get Molly and Murphy. And it has ended up being the best decision I could have made. My life is horrible. It's lonely,... I live in pain all day long. I live in poverty,... with no family or friends ~ because I am a monster. These two kittens have really filled a void for me. They have given me a purpose to get up in the morning. They are 9 months old now. My life is very very empty. So having these two around fills up my day.
It is the Easter long weekend right now. And as usual this unwanted - unliked monster is alone. Noone thought of me this Easter. Just another holiday alone. I am so used to it now I barely even register when there is a holiday. They are just another day to me. So there is no dinner,... no chocy bunnies,... nothing at all. Just another weekend. Alone.
Being ostracized is horrible. It leaves you sad,... empty,... with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I go days and days without even seeing another human being. My choice - it's what I strive for now. Stay out of humans way,... they hurt you,.... You are a mentally ill monster ~ they hate you! You never recover from that,... it stays with you. It changes you,... your life is forever over. I knew I didn't have a future anymore. Noone wanted me! Where was a future with that???
I think God knew I was going to have a lonely and ostracized life. He knew my life was going to be miserable.
So he gave me the gift of animals. To this day, I know I can sit with my pet and they get me. When I am sad,... they seek me out and cuddle. When my blood pressure gets too high I pick up a cat and snuggle and my pressure goes down. I have this thing where I can put my forehead on an animals forehead and something clicks. A bond is formed. I can't explain it but animals don't judge me,... they don't get mad when I do something that I don't know is wrong yet everyone hates me for,... (???) I can't navigate relationships with humans. I dont' get what they want from me and they are always mad. But animals,... they don't do any of that. They just love,...
I want to end my life by going through MAiDs in Vancouver. My life is that bad that I just can't deal with the physical pain anymore. It has become unbearable leaving me unable to do basic things anymore to take care of myself. With no doctor to help me I just can't go on.
The pain is too severe now
But what do I do with these 2 beautiful cats??? My pain is too severe to put them first anymore. I just need to die to get some relief. I can't go on in this pain,....
But what do I do with Molly and Murphy? I can't go unless I know they will be in the care of someone who will take both of them together and love them and care for them like I do. In my life,... those two cats come before me. I cater to these kittens and they have everything they need. They are spoiled. They expect to be spoiled and loved.
I hate that I am left in so much pain that I am forced to make this decision. And I am resentful that I have no doctor which is forcing me to do this.
I don't want to die!!!!!!!!! But I have no choice as the pain has become too unbearable.
But what do I do with these two kittens? They deserve so much. But in the end, I can't stay around just for them. My pain is just too bad.
I fucking hate Ontario and Canada for putting me in this position. All they had to do was SEE ME,.... but I am invisable to this world.
I can't bear to do this to these two cats,... but I also can't bear the physical pain anymore,....
It's just time to go,...
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