My heart is broken

 Murphy and Molly as kittens

The one good thing in my life right now are my two little kittens, Molly and Murphy. I got them on my birthday last year (sept) when they were just tiny. They are now about 10 months old and they have gotten much bigger,... It has been so much fun to watch them grow up. I dont' regret getting them at all. 

Being a football (soccer) fan, I have taught them how to play. I put Murphy in goal and use Molly as a defender. I am the striker and shoot a piece of their kibble across the floor. Molly tries to intervene but more often than not, Murphy is the victor and ends up with the kibble. I should have named them Neville (Man U defender) and Schmeichel (Best Manchester United goalie). They are just so much fun.

But I can't help feeling sad as it does remind me that I should be playing with my grand daughter like this - not cats. I think about her all the time. Every tv show with a little ginger toddler has me feeling sad. I've just stopped watching shows that are about babies and children. Too much of a reminder of what I am missing. I dream of getting her a Manchester United kit and teaching her how to play footy (soccer). I want to teach her piano,... go camping,... and on day trips,... I just want to be with her. Sometimes my heart actually aches thinking about her. I sound like a love sick woman pining after a man. But I have no interest in a man or a love interest of any kind. My heart onlylongs for that little baby girl I have never even met. Funny how you can miss someone so badly that you have never even met. 

I just thought the other day, I have no contact with anyone from that side now so my daughter very well could have another child by now and I don't even know about it. How sad that people do this to each other. All I want to do is love. Love my daughters,... love my grandchildren,... so sad I will never see any of them again. 

I must be a monster. I can't think of any other reason that I am so bad I cant even see my grand child. I have given birth to 4 children,... yet here I am ~ alone.

My heart is broken.