Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Maybe I need to find an abandoned house and disappear,.....


When I turned youtube on this morning, the documentary "God Knows Where I Am" popped up. I have not only seen this documentary before, but I was deeply effected by it. In Linda Bishop, the woman the documentary is about, I saw someone who felt the same way I did about society and mental illness.

Society has one answer for the mentally ill. medicate them and/or hospitalize them. I get that,... it makes life much easier for the families involved. Medicate them until they don't know what day of the week it is and the family get their peace. The person medicated is drugged,... and mechanical. When I was on meds I never, ever, ever felt well. They upset my stomach leaving me nauseous. They left me feeling like a zombie - a stepford wife. It made life easier for the family,.... but it made life empty and paralyzing for the patient.

But as long as the family is happy,... who cares that we feel like an empty vessel not even able to feel,.... thats not a life. But as long as we shut up and stop being annoying - our families will love us.

if not - then we are monsters they have to protect themselves from.

I did notice one difference in Linda Bishops life that was different from my own. Even though this woman was extemely un-well and made life hard for her family and loved ones - THEY NEVER GAVE UP OR STOPPED LOVING HER! They never pulled down the shutters leaving her out. They watched her be so destructive - yet - still loved her,...

This is what my family said to me,...


So how am I suppose to feel knowing Linda bishop was 50 times worse than i was - yet her family still loved and wanted her,....

So I must be the worlds worst monster if my family can't even see any good in me at all,.... 

I am a worthless - useless - piece of shit that doens't deserve the air I breath,.... 

I can't bear being so unloved and unwanted and actually HATED!
I just can't bear it,....

What the fuck did I do that made me feel like the worst human being that was ever born,...

What did I do???????
What did I do???????
What did I do???????

I am so confused and hurt I just can't bear it

Jesus, take me home 


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