So why stay?

 I don't know if this is a sign of living in Ontario Housing, or 'the system' or being mentally ill. But thinking about it I have to think it's a merging of all 3. But I have noticed a change in me over the past 10 years. 

If you have never felt it - you won't understand it. But being rejected - whether openly or just people ghosting you - it does something to your psyche. Every time it happens, a little piece of your self-confidense and your pride gets eroded. Every time you ask for something and get rejected? Or worse yet - not even seen. Ignored. A little piece of you erodes away. And over the years this rejection and feeling invisable takes its toll. 

I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to be so desperate for something and then told no,... we can't help you. 

Your not important! Your not worth the effort it would take us! You don't deserve help! THATS what I hear,.... and after years and years of people chipping away at you - you change.

I was never a saint. Far from it. But for the most part I never intentionally hurt anyone. I was not one to go out and physically hurt someone. I've never even hit anyone in my entire life. I tried to always be kind and fair to people. Of course it didn't always work out that way. A lot of times due to my mental illness and me not being able to read what I do that pisses people off, people do get hurt. But its never intentional.

As an adult I went to church twice a week. I volunteered for places freely giving my time. I wanted to be a good person and I tried hard to be one. But I think my illness prevented me from ever being 'normal' or even understanding what it is I do wrong. So, I ended up alone. Hated even by my own family.

And then on top of this, to live in this building,... to live in poverty,... to live in pain and be so alone is quite hard. And I will admit I didn't cope very well. But to have bullies on top of this and not even be taken seriously,... that leaves you more eroded. Every time someone says no - it hurts a bit more. I don't think I was ever conscious of this happening to me until now. Now I can see it. I have been rejected,... hated,... and ignored so many times I just internalized it all.

Now,... after 10 years of living here - I have changed. I went from a kind person wanting to help people in the building to being angry and resentful and hating people. I mean I really, really hate people now. I want nothing to do with anyone anymore. If I had money I would be out of here and in a cabin in the woods with no people. ***bliss***

But that is a pipe dream that will never happen. And becasue of that I know that my life will never change. I will be sitting in this unit watching tv until my heart gives out,... I can't do that.

I have to do what I have to do. If noone likes me anyway,... why stay? I mean people really do hate me. So why stay??? Even Ontario Housing won't help me,... so why stay?

It's sad how life changed me into someone so angry.

Lifes been hard. It hasn't been the life people think I had,... I was alone for most of it. Even when people were in my life - they didn't want to physically and actually 'be' with me. I was almost always alone.

So why stay?

Hated,... rejected,.... ignored,... a mentally ill monster,....

wouldn't everyone be better off if I just disappeared???

They will pretend they are sad,... but the truth is,... noone wants to be around me so they never actually liked me which means they won't miss me,...

so why stay?