To my Family,... 

All I ever wanted was to be loved and wanted.

But you guys never wanted me. Even after I got you girls back, you kept our relationship at arms length never fully letting me in. It was like you were scared of me. I have never hit or abused either of you girls. Infact I have never even yelled or raised my voice to you. Yet, somehow,... I became the monster mother.

I did not feel close to you girls ever again after your father stole you from me. You don't agree but I KNOW you were persuaded by the opinions of your father, his wife, and your Uncle and Aunt. It was very, very sutle but their influence was there whether you saw it or not. 

I was mentally ill but tried my best. I was punished for being mentally ill.

As a mother we LIVE for our children. And without my children, I felt I had no life. Yet all you girls and my so called 'family' could do was say,... "all you talk about is Maids and dying. We're tired of it so just do it already,..." That seems to be your attitude.

But your completely missing the whole point. I dont' have you girls in my life and it has killed me. Without my children ~ and remember ~ I have already buried two ~ I don't see the point of living. Life is about family but my family abandoned me. 

If you girls were in my life ~ sincerely ~ meaning you actually liked me, and wanted to be around me (which has not been the case) then I would not feel the need to die. I would be happy and fulfilled, as I would have my dream. My girls,... my family.

But you both rejected me. And without my children ~ and knowing the situation will never change (You all certainly made that clear) then I no longer wish to be alive. What for?

Pain,... poverty,... lonliness,... being rejectred and hated?????

So you all need to know that I wouldn't feel the need to die if someone just loved me,....

but noone does,... you girls don't even like me.

SO THAT is why,....

To me the only reason for living is family,... and without one I just don't care to be alive.

So dont' turn around and say "We tried to help but she wouldnt' listen to us" because that will be bullshit.

YOU wouldnt even answer your phones,.... you hated me 

I was just an annoying interference in your lives. And I will go to my grave knowing my own children HATED me.

Why was I even fucking born????????

So your off the hook. You can turn around and justify my death any way you want. But the truth is you rejected me and I couldn't handle it. 

I have been hanging around - waiting - but your not coming back

so it's definitely time to just die

The horrible mentally ill monster just needs to die

Good riddence to a worthlessm invisable piece of shit

Have a nice life girls,....

I do love you ~ but you didn't love me back,....

Justify it all you want to but I wanted you - YOU didn't want me.

I was only good for a place to get sober when noone else would take you. I TOOK YOU  IN and you still hated me,....

I couldn't win for trying.

Noone will ever understand how it feels to be so hated,....

I just need to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!