As I say on here almost everyday now, I don't sleep much anymore. Infact I am awake by four or five every morning now. And thats not really because of the kittens. It's just me. I have heard as you get older and enter into your 'senior' years you require less sleep. Maybe this is all that is happening now. But I don't think so. I think I'm just stressed so much it's deeply effecting my sleep. But whatever the reason, here I am again - up at four.
Now when I write about this, I am sincerely not trying to be unkind. I am merely stating facts to show what it is like to live in this building. Ontairo Housing. The lowest of the low,... the poorest of the poor,... the oddest of the odd,... all the bottom feeders ~ not my term obviously, as I am one of them, but a term used often to describe us at the bottom. Again, I am not trying to be unkind - just stating facts. The people who live in housing have issues. Financial,... mental,... or physical. And sometimes all three. These are people who have problems holding down jobs due to physical disabilities or mental states. No job = poverty ~ and that lands you here.
I ended up here when I couldn't work anymore due to the fibromyalgia pain. I was divorced and lived on my own so had noone to 'pick up the slack' while I got myself sorted. Instead I just had to stop working which slowly led to the downfall of my life. Had to go into housing,... go on disability,... and before you know it ~ your a bottom feeder.
So in talking about the folk here it is just facts of how they are. (not judgement) I am just showing how I can never let my guard down and never feel safe in this building.
As I do every morning, while my coffee is brewing, I go out into the hall to look out the hall window which looks out over the parking lot and gazebo. It faces the other building. Today, mother nature is drunk, as it is very cold and snowing. Not a day to be outside. Yet as I squint through the snowflakes, I see J** (who is suppose to be in rehab) walking through the parking lot going over to the other building. She knocks on someones door and goes in. It's not even 5:30 in the morning! I start to do a few laps in the hall. I wake up in severe pain most mornings and sometimes just doing a few laps of the hall loosens me up a little aleviating the pain a bit. I was on my third lap when I look out one of the windows as I walk, and there is A****n (the guy I was having issues with a few weeks ago being creepy to me). Now he is outside - in the cold - in the snow - just walking around. Aimlessly. If he was smoking I would just say hes having a smoke break. But he's not smoking. It's too cold and windy and snowy to smoke. He is just walking around,... like he is lost. This man has been deteriorating right before my eyes. Over the past few months he has become creepy and unpredicatable forcing me to ignore him until he got the hint. To his credit - he has completely left me alone. He has no bad intentions. He is just off his meds and a schizophrenic. So that leaves me cautious. And J**, she must have walked out of rehab. It's been less than a week. Which means she will be walking around knocking on everyones door at all hours of the day and night - high - grifting for stuff.
Living here is navagating a minefield of odd and unsettling personalities. Not just one. Many. This is where they all end up. On the bottom. All in one place. And I live amoung them. (which shows I'm not perfect either, sadly,...) Not everyone living here is different. There are many nice people here. But unfortunately there seems to be more 'odd' and 'marginalized population',... 'The precariously housed'. I don't make up these terms. Some rich person thought they would be kind to use politically correct terms. But to us 'down here' its' all the same no matter what lipstick you put on the name. It's the bottom of the social ladder. A cesspool of people - thrown away by society and left to fend for themselves. Some have families,... some have social workers,... some, like myself, have noone and have to cope alone. But whatever the situation is, it's not usually easy. These people are struggling. And we seem to be forgotten about. So noone can get the hell out of here no matter how hard they try. Once you are in the system - you can't get out. And thats whats so frustrating and leaves you feeling so hopeless. If I thought I had a sliver of a chance of escaping this life? I would not be choosing suicide. I would be fighting. But I tried to get out and failed and now realize - I am here until I die.
Alone,... lonely,... in pain. This is not the life I want. It's been ten years now since I have lived this poverty and now I have had enough. My old-timer acquaintences in this building are all slowly leaving. (dying or going in homes) leaving only the younger people coming in. I don't like the younger generation. I find them rude and entitled and have to be the centre of attention. Just loud and obnoxious. I liked the old quiet crowd,... but they seem to be all gone now. Everything is changing for the worse when it was already pretty difficult to cope. Now I dont even want to try.
I guess some people have good enriched lives. But not everyone is priviledged enough to have that. And I guess I am just one of those folks who was meant to have a bad life.
I should have commit suicide 15 years ago. My life has been nothing but a worthless waste of breath since I fell down here. I have done nothing but "sit in Gods waiting room - waiting to die"
I should have left this earth 15 years ago. If only I had known back then that there would never be hope,... I should have just done it years ago,....
I just need to go,....
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