Well even though I am able to go out to the gazebo now ~ the weather turned and I had to stay inside. We have had the longest winter that I can recall in my 62 years on this planet. So much snow,... I am definitely feeling cabin fever and need this winter to end. I am desperate to get outside and start living again.
I had a meltdown yesterday. I was just watching a tv sereies. In this program they had a scene of the whole family coming together for a wedding. Scene after scene of happy faces,... people laughing and hugging and dancing,... everyone enjoying themselves celebrating a family members joyful day. And suddenly I saw my family,... and I was not there. I saw my daughters wedding. And it broke me,... all the things that I have missed suddenly hit me. My daughters proms,... weddings,... births,... all happening without me.
I don't think anyone can understand the heartache that missing out on family events causes. These are events that only happen once. I can never get back the birth of my granddaughter,... that has passed and I was left out. Even if my daughters and I resumed a relationship once again,.... I would still have missed out on the most important events in my life.
THEY ARE GONE ~ I haven't even seen pictures,.... just events I was not welcome to. The sting of being rejected,... the pain of losing out is unbearable and it has left me broken. I can't even watch tv shows now as everything just reminds me of the life I dont' have.
And why? Because I am not good enough for this society. I am flawed,... mentally ill,... a monster noone wants around.
And yesterday ~ my body just couldn't take that ache one more day and it broke. I was a sobbing heap on the floor.
There is no lonlier feeling than not being good enough and told to go away,...
That is something I will never recover from.
And it leaves me wondering what is the point? If I'm just sitting here in Gods waiting room ~ waiting to die while my family enjoys life.
Rejection is the most painful thing in the world. And I have been rejuected by everyone since the day i was born,....
I am so sad that I just don't want to be here anymore,....
I want my family,... but they don't want me,....
Unbearable
No comments:
Post a Comment