If things don't get better by June,....

Sunday morning. March 29th,... Spring is not coming in like a lamb this year,... it doesn't seem to be coming at all. It is cold this morning. I had a good sleep last night which is nice as I don't have good sleep anymore. So I actually woke up feeling good. The kittens had me up before six. 

"A" knocked on my door again yesterday and I again didn't answer it. He must be getting the hint by now. I took the garbage out to the garbage room early this morning and I happened to look out the window while walking down the hall. "A" was sitting outside on a bench beside his bicycle. (not a motorcycle - a bicycle - in the snow). That is just weird. Who gets up on a Sunday morning and just sits outside on a bench in the cold?? ~ at 6 o'clock in the morning???  I am beginning to think this man has gone off of his meds. And that tells me I need to stay away. Which is hard. He is a wanderer and is all over the place. I can't do my laps without running into him. So now I am in the hall looking out the window all the time before I do laps. I actually look for him. Where is he? And he is usually out there somewhere. As long as he is outside - I am safe to do laps. But between him and Mark and Darren - it's like hide and seek. I am doing guerrila warfare tactics evading all these people when i am doing my laps. Ducking into stairwells,... just trying to see them before they see me so I can hide and avoid any conflict or drama.

For some reason my pain has increased quite a bit. I am popping advil and tylenol like it's candy. I don't know the reason why either. And pain does horrible things. You can't think when your in pain,... you can't concentrate on anything while your body is throbbing with pain. It's all consuming ~ relentless. No break from it. And it totally wears you down. If I thought I had a hit a wall months ago,... I now can't even see the wall. I am broken - in a heap - on the ground.

All I see in my future is pain and bullying.

I am making final plans for my trip to BC. I am contemplating ending my life there and not even coming back here. It is so easy to get fentynel in Vancouver. How simple and beautiful would it be to take an OD and slip into unconsiousness and then die,...

All the pain would be gone!

If things don't get better by June,.... this is the plan,.....