I am not coping

Today has just been a frustrating mess. I have broken down. I spend most of my days crying now. Watching tv and breaking down at every sad thing I see. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They rule me. And I seem to flip back and forth between severe sadness and anger. My tv and soundbar have been testing me. Every single time I turn on my tv - it doesn't work. I have to rip all the cords out to get everything to start up all over again - it's so maddening. EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch tv I have to fight with this. The second I turn my tv off - I lose the setting and the soundbar and it takes un-plugging,.... re-hooking up to the wi-fi (which is a pin in the fucking ass) WHY????? Why is everything I bought brand new Broken? I HATE THIS TV AND SOUNDBAR. I end up raging every morning tryng to get it to hook back up. Just that causes me to start my day so badly I can't recover and I spend my day angry,... sad,... hating life,.... This is not a way to live,... I am miserable.

While going by Darren's apartment during my laps I can smell he is blatantly smoking in there. I am worried. He knows it is me that got his priviledge revoked. And word through the grapevine is he couldn't get out to the gazebo fast enough to let everyone know! And he's not happy about it,... and when Darren Green is raging,... I am not safe. He will not forget about this as his life is so empty he has nothing else to do but sit in his boiling anger and get rager and rager until he loses it,.... I don't want to know what that looks like. I am so sick and tired of Darren fucking Green that I just want out of here.

I NEED out of here. And sadly there is only one way to escape this life and that is death....

I pray to God to give me a heart attack and let me end this suffering. But he doesn't hear me. 

The pain is getting worse. Unbearably worse and I am struggling to cope.

I am not coping

I just need to die