Life is very different when you have no one in it. And after learning that I am not liked by anyone, life has changed even more. I no longer live by the same foundation I came from. Now that I know I am not wanted or liked, I have changed how I will live from now on. I was so hurt by my childrens rejection that it changed me fundamentaly. I no longer have the same beliefs or hopes or wants,... When you are brutally told "I don't want you in my life" by your own child, it hits a place so deep in your soul, it breaks you. 

I am no longer the same person I used to be because of it.

Now I have choosen a life of solitude. No longer wishing to seek out any relationship of any kind. Friendship,... family,... romantic,... I just don't have it in me to start up a friendship only to have them reject me and leave. Or worse yet,... use me just to grift stuff and then leave when I catch on and stop giving. So to protect myself - I am choosing to stay alone.

My future plans only include myself and my two kittens. I am choosing not to re-connect with anyone (not that they would ever want to) If I am to stop this emotional pain of being rejected by my family? Then I have to walk away and pretend they never existed,... that is the only way to protect my heart.

I no longer tell people I have children. If they ask, I will tell them about my sons. But no daughters will ever be uttered from these lips as their names are just too painful to say. If I am to survive in the future I have to change who I am and where I came from.

Now I am a woman - never married with no children and no family.

Today I bury them in a symbolic burial. My past life is gone,... they didn't want me, so I had to erase them to survive. The pain of having children - but never seeing them and not being wanted in their lives is JUST TOO PAINFUL to bear.

And my future plans only include me. I no longer live for the hope of an extended olive branch. In the end, that hope was making me ill.

Time to let go,...

I love you girls,... look what I went through just to bring you into this world. But you couldn't see the good in me. I was not perfect. Noone is. I was mentally ill. But none of that matters. It was ME you rejected. Just me. And I can't recover from that. So I have to erase you. Move forward as a dementia patient who can't remember a thing,... you are gone,.... "poooof" 

And I go to my grave knowing I was so horrible my own children couldn't live with me. All the great things I did for them growing up. Stay-at-home Mom,... but that means nothing when your a monster.

I didn't stand a chance

It really does make me feel like I was put on this planet to be an incubator for Jeff and Lorraine to have a wonderful life with my children. Can you believe my own mother actually hung a portrait of Jeff, Lorraine and MY CHILDREN on her livingroom wall. THAT stung so bad I never recovered. It showed my Mothers hatred of me and love for my ex's NEW WIFE!!! Betrayal. And once they had my girls there was no need for me and I was tossed away. Jeff made everything immpossible for me to get them back. I had no money to fight back,....  Mental illness used as the excuse. And he literally took my children from me when they were only 9 and 12 and they have never felt anything for me since. They were gone,... physically AND mentally,... the bond had broken and I was left with empty arms and an empty soul,...

I was an incubator ~ who went thorugh hell to have those two girls ~ but incubators are not needed once the girls were born,...

NOONE wanted me

NOONE wants me now,...

So why the fuck am I even here????????