It's early. Really early. I don't sleep much anymore. I was awake before the cats this morning. I spend a lot of mornings in the dark before the sun has risen. Do I not sleep because of natural reasons? I'm older now? Or do I not sleep because I am so unsettled? Whatever the reason, I average about four hours sleep a night now. No wonder I always feel so draggy. But with nothing to do all day but sit on my ass and watch tv, I don't expend any energy so my body gets little exercise. I don't know what that does to your body physically, but I can tell you what it feels like. When you have nothing to do all day, It feels like your body is storing up all that adrenaline. By the end of the day, my body has too much. I can feel the need for my body to get up and move. So I walk the halls a few times a day,... some days it's so bad I find myself pacing. My body feels over-stimulated. I constantly shake my leg,... shake, shake, shake,... I can never fully sit still.
I need to DO STUFF during the day. It not only expends all this energy/addrenaline, but it also gets me out of that apartment ~ my prison ~ and my mind gets to do and see stuff. A change is as good as a rest,... my Nana used to say.
I am so bored!!!! My mind is turning to mush,... my body going slack,... I am an empty vessel waiting to die,...
This winter has been the longest winter I have known. It has been the coldest with temps at minus 50 some days!! And snow never stopped falling,... It was the worst winter I can remember in my life. And I felt it's impact even more as it left me trapped in my apartment unable to get out. I have never had cabin fever so bad as I did this winter,...
I NEED TO GET OUT
I really do need to get out of Fergus and into a city with transportation but as I have tried for the past 5 years,... there is no place to move.
No transportation means isolation and that has turned me into a recluse.
I no longer even feel human anymore. Just a vessel waiting to die,...
So please God,... please just let me die,...
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