Tuesday, October 5, 2021

I can feel myself giving up,... again,....

Today has been a bad day. It's damp and foggy outside. My body is in pain. I can barely walk. I have spent most of the day stoned playing my computer game. It's a sad life. I bought mushrooms yesterday. "Golden teacher". I've never done mushrooms before. I have been reading up on them so I am not going into this impulsively. Marijanna is good. But I have developed a tolerance for it now. I barely get high anymore and it's not helping the pain like it used to. I need something more.

I just don't want to be sober anymore. It's too sad. Every day I wake up to the same nothingness. Theres nothing to look forward to. Just more hours to try and fill. More things to find to distract your mind. But it's not working. It's not enough. I need more. 

I just want to float inside my head with nothing but nothingness. Life is just too hard now. I can't escape it physically,... So I guess I have to escape it mentally.  The beauty of it is, I don't even care if I die. That would just be an added bonus. My real plan of course is to get my hands on some fentanyl and take a fatal hot shot. Quick. But where does one find this drug? I live in a small town. I know it's here somewhere but I'm not in that culture so I wouldn't know where to start looking. But I will figure it out. If I have to hang around the worst apartment complex in town I will,... If I have to hitch a ride into Guelph and find it there,... I will. I am determined. I WILL find some. (and feel free to help me if you can,...)

But in the meantime,... I am just not willing to endure this world sober anymore. It's just too damn sad. So everyday I vape,... smoke,... bong,... dab,... whatever I can get my hands on. Whatever and however much I can take,.... I just need to always remain high.

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