Everyone thinks I'm an uncaring bitch,...

Hard

When really I just don't understand what people want from me

So I say the wrong thing

I don't read conversations the same way,...

I don't know how

so everybody leaves

I miss my girls

Without them,.....

I have no life

:( 

I really do give up

 I have woken up dispondent. I have only been in BC 7 weeks and already my dream has been shattered. All the plans I had to retire here and enjoy all that this island has to offer have been taken away. Stolen by a life of nickel and diming so much I have nothing left. I had so many plans,... 

You can't survive here without a vehicle. I live in an RV park just outside of town. If I need anything, I have to walk into town. Groceries,... health care,... every basic need will require me to walk into town. No matter the weather or how I feel. With my 'dream budget' money gone I can no longer afford a car or to go anywhere.

And this leaves me no better off than I was back in Ontario. Now I am stuck inside my RV with no way to go anywhere unless I walk. Or ask my cousin and bother him. Which I am not comfortable doing. I know he probobly doesn't mind (or he wouldn't do it) but I don't like being beholden to anyone. I want to live self sufficient. I can't help thinking that somewhere down the line my cousin is going to get tired of being my personal assistant and taxi driver that he will start to resent me. And that will sour our relationship (which is excellent right now). I can't explain how awful it feels to have to rely on someone else just for your basic needs. 

And it was never the plan. The plan was to get a car and LIVE! Go out and explore. Use the money I purposely put aside to be a tourist. Visit all the places the rest of the world come here to enjoy. But with no car or money,... I can no longer do this. Now, I just sit in my RV and watch tv. Exactly what I was doing in Ontario! What I was trying so desperately to escape. And the worst bit? The Island I want to explore is just outside my door. I just can't reach it,.... it taunts me but I just can't get to it. Unless I ask my cousin,... 

I am really enjoying getting to know my two cousins. But so far, all I have done is been a burden to them. The cousin I live next door to in this park helps me every single day. Unfortunately I need him. I don't like knowing I need anyone to rely on. 

Laundry. Is not only terribly expensive here at anwhere from $10 to $20 a load. I did a load on the weekend and it cost me $20. If I did that every 2 weeks it would be $40 a month just for laundry. 

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

The cost of groceries has sky rocketed so much I am back to living off of milk and cereal. I was doing alright the first month I was here but after the money drained I realized I can't afford the monthly cost to live here. It's much more expensive for everyday things that I had anticipated. So now I am back to rationing groceries to cereal,....

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

My RV pad rental alone is $1200 a month. More than I make a month. Which is why I put so much away in the bank to save. So I would always have my RV pad rental for two full years. Now some of that is already gone. Used to 'fix' the tin can I call home.

Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month. 

So what was suppose to open my life up to adventure and fun has been shut down forever. No car. No exploring. Back to living in poverty stuck inside watching tv.

And I haven't even started on my pain. I have lived with pain for years. But I am much older now and my pain has become unbearable. I will never get the health care I need (5 surgeries to correct stuff from being hit by a car) leaving me to continue to suffer. I am too old and in too much pain to walk two hours evertime I need to go to the clinic. That isn't even a family doctor - just a nurse practioner. I worked in the medical field so I know how inconsistant this care is. It's a bandaid solution. I desperately need a physical but I will never get one. You need a family doctor before you can get one. So I thought I would finally get the help I need but in the end nothing is different here in BC than it was in Ontario. If you dont have a family doctor ~ then you will have to 'chase' your health care. I am too old and tired and in pain for that. So I gave up even trying to access it.

If I have to 'ask' for everything I need like I am a child,.... then I dont' want this life. I came to BC thinking it would give me opportunities I couldn't access in Ontario. But after being here nearly 2 months I have learned that I am actually worse off here as now I either walk into town for everythig or ask for help. I DONT ASK FOR HELP. If i cant survive on my own ~ I dont' survive. I dont' rely on my cousin or others for basic needs. THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN and it goes agaist everything I feel comfortable with.

NOONE takes into consideration my pain. I live everyday in pain. 

I am tired now. And pain prevents me from living self sufficiently. I am at the point now where I physically can't walk into town anymore as it's too painful.

I am depressed now because of this. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

I am not happy living this way. I dont want to live this way anymore. And if people can't understand this then thats not my problem to explain it. My neighbour emailed me in dismay that I would want to die. But that nieghbour (back in Ontario) has a car and never has to walk anywere. So they dont get it. NOONE who has a car will ever understand having to walk for everything you need. If i have to explain that ~ then I give up. If you can't see that this new life is physically exhausting and you are dismayed I choose death then I guess I just am not getting across my desperation.

I AM 63 ~ AND IN PAIN AND EXHAUSTED. 

And now I have no reward for living this life. I no longer get to do any of the stuff I had planned. Now I just sit in a freezing cold tin can watching tv. Because that is all I am capable of. 

THIS IS NOT A NEW BEGINNING! This is my old life in a different place. Nothing has changed. I am still poor and in pain and isolated away from the world.

I cant get anywere 

So if you have a car then please dont judge me. A car is freedom that I longed for but never got,... and having no car has left me in a trailer park with no way to get anywhere.

THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN  and I refuse to settle for it. I physically can't keep us anyway even if I did accept this life.

So THAT is why I threw my blood pressure meds in the toilet and choose not to seek out health care. One it's just too ;hysically hard to access and two: I just want to have a heart attack and end the suffering.

I cant ask for help from the church i joined as I cant even get to the church i joined. I only ever got there twice. How? Asking my cousin. So i stopped going.

If I cant live self sufficinetly I dont want to live.

If I cant live without pain then I dont want to live.

If I cant live with a few bucks in my pocket to get me out of this RV, then I don't want to live.

I no longer wish to live. So please ~ God ~ give me a heart attack so I no longer have to wake up each morning in so much pain I can't do anything.

Please God ~ just let me die.

I just got an email from my old neighbour saying 

I am dismayed that you are talking about dying when a call to the Minister would solve your problem, unless I am missing information".

And I am dismayed that NOONE FUCKING GETS IT!!!

It's everything,.... it's no car and being stuck watchint tv all day,.... it's no health care,... 

I am not justifying my actions. Unless you have walked in my shoes then you have no idea what I am going through. 

I'm glad your life is so good you can't contemplate suffering but I am suffering and just want to die. if you dont get that then keep your fucking opinion to yourself.

spoken like a true person with money and a a car and doesn't have to walk anywhere or ask anyone for anythig=ng. When you have to ask people for everytthing you do and still can't understand me then by all means call me on it. But from someone who has what i need and judges me for complaining FUCK YOU

Now I just wish to die

 It's really early on Monday morning. It's still dark out. But I can't sleep ~ again. So I drag myself out of bed and put the coffee on. My head is still pounding. I have had this headache for nearly a week now. I'm pretty sure it's my blood pressure. But my blood pressure monitor broke so I can't even check it. But I don't feel right so I think my blood pressure is high.   

I made the decision to stop my blood pressure medication. I tried to get health care but I am finding it too hard. Going to the doctor should not have to feel like climbing Mount Everest. Way too much work. Knowing I will have to walk an hour each way just to get to this place and then only being allowed one complaint, tells me I am never going to get consistant health care.

I am desperate for a physical as I have NUMEROUS issues to deal with. Not just small issues - big issues. But if I am going to be forced to have to make an appointment for each and every issue then fuck it. 

I AM NOT WALKING TWO HOURS FOR ONE COMPLAINT AT THE DOCTOR. If I can't get a physical - which is what I desperately need - then fuck it. I GIVE UP.

So as of today, I have made the decision to stop all medication in the hopes of having a heart attack and dying. I can't live with this pain anymore - but I see no relief or help with it in the future. Just more suffering and struggling.

NOONE should have to work so hard just to see a doctor.

So I am not buying a new blood pressure monitor. I am choosing not to worry about it anymore and let nature take it's course. But with no meds,.... I can't see me surviving more than 6 months.

Thank you Canada for allowing me to fall between the cracks and giving up,.... I feel invisable and unworthy and most of all nothing but a burden. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR HEALTH CARE???????

I am in too much pain to go on,.... but noone seems to give a shit that I am suffering. So I guess they won't give a shit when I die of a heart attack ~ even though I COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SOMEONE JUST SAW ME STRUGGLING!!! But noone does because I am invisable to this country. Just another disabled person draining the resources of this country. Unwanted and now uncared for,....

Well fuck you Canada,..... now I just wish to die

I just hope to die

I am done with this life.

I did everything right. Yet,... this move has done me no good. Infact, when it comes to health care, I am worse off. I made a decision that day last week. I no longer fight for health care. I am so tired of jumping through hoops just to get help. Now the place i need to go is an hours walk away. I have relapsed,... my pain is unbearable,.... I cannot walk an hour there and an hour back. And all for ONE complaint??? I have to make individual appointments for each and every problem I have and walk an hour before and an hour after just to do it????

Fuck off 

It has now been over 5 years that I have tried to get help for my health. Now I give up. 

I stopped my blood pressure medication. Why protect myself from a heart attack just to be 'trapped' inside a cold tin can for the rest of my life with no way to do anything or go anywhere as 'life' nickeled and dimed my entire savings,... I am now BROKE and in debt and can't get by anymore.

I was suppose to be able to buy a car which was to change my life. But that money got eaten by 'fixing' this fucking RV so it's gone. NO CAR. To me - that equals no life. I am now 100% reliant on my cousin. If I need anything ~ I have to ask for a ride to go and get it. This is not ok.

I only want to live if I have REAL health care and the means to 'live' and not just exist. The whole point of moving here was so I didn't get stuck sitting in my apartment watching tv. This move was suppose to give me freedom to enjoy life for a change.

But the money is gone. There will never be a car,.... just me stuck in a freezing cold tin can watching tv for the rest of my life. A beautiful province I can't enjoy as life has robbed me again and taken my money so I have nothing. AGAIN.

My pain is too severe. And noone is listening. Even my cousin has the attitude well at least your not homeless - be grateful for what you have,....

So for his sake I just said ok and pretended I just had a wobble and now everything is ok. But it's not ok. I am done. I stopped my medication and now I hope to die.

I dont' know what happened in this country that I just can't survive but I can't,... and now I'm just too tired to even try

Oh and I got am invoice from Siperior propane for over $500. What a joke. They already have $511 of my money and now they want $500 more to break the contrarct. I am just  a means to take money to this world, free money for everyone. Jacquie has lots,... go scam her,... take her money,.... I"M FUCKING SICK of being used and nickeld and dimed. This company has fucked me. Over $1100 and I was only with them a month. Fucking sick of it all,.... The only reason I seem to be on this planet is to be scammed and conned. Well I have had enough and Superior Propane ~ I hope you can fucking sleep at night knowing you are the reason I gave up. You were the last straw of people being manipulative and sneaky to get all mymoney. YOU WON!!! I'm fucking broke now. You won!!!!!! and ruined my future.

So,.... Roll on death ~ I welcome you with open arms.

And for the record,.... Just because othres have it worse doesn't mean my pain doesn't matter. And thats the whole attitude of this life. Others have it worse so stop your complaining. NOONE cares about your stupid pain just deal and get on with it.

Well I care about my pain,... and I need it gone. But it will never go away as noone cares that I can't access health care. You can't walk the hour there and back? Then I guess your just shit out of luck.

I am fucking done

Roll on death

Now I hope to die

 I am sat here despondent. It's just after 3 in the morning. I can't sleep. I don't get a lot of sleep anymore. Too much on my mind. The air is cool so I am wrapped up in my housecoat trying to keep the damp out. Rain pounds down on my RV roof. I feel cold. I can never get warm these days. Feeling cold = pain for me. The damp gets right into my bones and just throbs. It's all consuming. I don't know how to cope with it. So I sit here and just cry.

I called the place to get health care today. I ended up so upset I threw my medication down the toilet and decided health care is just something that for some reason is just too hard to get for me. I found out the place I needed to go was an hours walk away. Much furthur than I had anticipated. I have not been well the past few days. Pain has been overwhelming. I am finding it harder to walk into town. Today,... I just couldn't face it. I asked to come in. She offered me 15 minutes to deal with my blood pressure but no other problems. So I am suppose to WALK for an hour just to talk about blood pressure and not allowed to discuss any other problem? And then WALK an hour home? I have 63 with no doctor. I have dozens of issues that need looking at. If I have to walk 2 hours for every appointment then it's useless to me.

I am too old to jump through hoops just for basic health care. 

Why can't I get a phsical and take care of ALL of my issues???? I have been without health care for years and it has piled up and I starting to suffer. But if 15 minutes is all I am worth and I have to walk two hours just to get it? Then I give up. I am too old and tired to deal with that nonsense.

So I took my meds and I threw them all down the toilet. From this day on I do nothing to help my health. And in this I hope to have a heart attack and die.

Health care should not be this hard to access and I am fed up and just dont care anymore.

ROLL ON HEART ATTACK! I am done suffering

I have now tried to get health care in two provinced in Canada and both were too hard to get.

Now I hope to DIE

 

I wish I had never even been born

 I'm back. I know this blog is only for when I am feeling overwhelmed and depressed, but that is how I feel today. And i need to write it all down to get it out.

This is not working out. It sounded great in theory. Buy an RV and live out my retirement in peace and happiness. But what theory doesn't expose is 'real life'. And in this case ~ money. I wish someone had sat me down and said buying an RV is just going to drain your bank account and leave you with nothing but a cold tin can to live in and a hefty RV pad rental cost each month.

I thought buying this RV was 'turn key'. All I had to do was move in. I had all these plans to make my life better ~ easier,... buy a car so I finally have transportation. I actually put money aside in my budget to make sure this would happen. With a car I could be self sufficient. Not have to rely on anyone to do my basic living errands. Groceries,... laundry,.... 

But instead nothing worked in this RV and I got stuck spending all my money just to make this thing livable. Now,... all that money I put aside is gone,.... This RV sure does look nice. Shiny and new,... but when you look closer? It's not well made. The windows are plastic and keep no heat in. It feels like a cold tin can. I know from this day forward I am always going to feel cold.

I have been 'conned' by Superior Propane into a very expensive propane plan. What I thought was free installation and $500 worth of free propane (an excellent deal I couldn't refuse) turned into a $119 charge for my monthly rental cost as well as $392 for the installation. (But I thought that was free?) Now I am learning that the $119 monthly cost is JUST THE RENTAL OF THE PROPANE TANK!!! I still have to pay propane on top of that! So i feel I was duped with fancy talking marketing promos that I obviously didn't understand. I cannot afford this at all so I have no choice but ot cancel out of this contract.

Now they are coming after me for over $1000.00 to break my contract. So I haven't even been on the island for two months and I already have debters coming after me. I got duped,... and it cost me way too much,... It cost me getting a car,...

And then theres laundry. Something that should be so simple. But here? A problem every time. I have no car, so I have to WALK into town pulling a big suitcase of all my clothes to the laudromatte where I pay $11.00 a load to wash my clothes. (I only paid $2.50 a load back at my old place) This wouldn't be a problem if I was 30 years old and not in constant pain. But for a 63 year old person to have to do this is just shit. Now I am sitting here with two large loads of dirty clothes on my floor and nothing clean to wear. Now I have to walk into town and spend $22 that I dont have. And because I dont have it ~ I have no clean clothes and dirty clothes everywhere as its so small in this RV I dont even have a dirty clothes hamper. No room. So they just lay on my bed or floor taking up room pissing me off every time I step all over them. If I want laundry done I have to do 'the fucking walk' or rely on my cousin.

I want to be self sufficient. If I cant do groceries and laundry myself then what is the fucking point???? I now have to bug my cousin every time I need something. I refuse to do this. So instead I have mounds of dirty clothes that need washing but I am too tired and sore to walk into town. SO IT HASN'T GOTTEN DONE IN 4 DAYS.

Now my money is all gone. It's not only gone,... but I am now in debt over $4000. The money I have set aside for RV pad rentals has been used for 'fixing' this broken tin can that was suppose to be 'turn-key' and move in ready. Instead I have spent a fortune to fix shit.

Now with no car in the future I am stuck right back where I started from. Being stuck inside my home with no way to go anywhere and no money to do anything. I am completely reliant on my cousin. I do not like this. I refuse to live relying on others for basic chores and needs. I am back to being POOR. Living in POVERTY. And stuck inside my home with nothing to do bored out of my mind watching tv again,...

I only get $1000 a month to live on. REREAD THAT.

$1,072.74 is all I bring in a  month. My rental pad is more than I bring in at $1200 a month.

So I am right back where I was 3 months ago. No money to live on,... no transportation to go anywhere and now I am stuck inside a cold tin can freezing. I can't even afford the cost of propane now. So now I have to live off of two 700 watt heaters (any stronger and I will blow out my fuses) to keep warm. It does not keep me warm. Infact,... it is so damp and cool my fibromyalgia has completely gone out of remission and I am now fighting that too,... SEVERE PAIN.

I dont' know what I did in life to deserve such hardship. But I am too tired to continue on,... I am 63 fucking years old and have been struggling for 25 or those years. I am done,....

I am not going to spend the remainder of my life freezing in a tin can I can't affrod to heat,...

I think I tried every which way I could to escape poverty. But Canada is too far gone and I can't survive. This country has priced me right of living. And now I'm not comfortable at all. I am not retiring peacefully and happily,.... I am cold. And broke,... and can't leave my RV as I have no car or money!!!.

It's time to realize all my efforts just weren't good enough. Canada just doesn't want me to survive. They made it too hard and I got too tired. The pain alone is unbearable,.... but no health care.

Now I plan my escape,...

How sad my life has been. I wish I had never even been born.

It's time to hand in my application to MAiDs.

I tried but Canada failed me.