I have woken up dispondent. I have only been in BC 7 weeks and already my dream has been shattered. All the plans I had to retire here and enjoy all that this island has to offer have been taken away. Stolen by a life of nickel and diming so much I have nothing left. I had so many plans,...
You can't survive here without a vehicle. I live in an RV park just outside of town. If I need anything, I have to walk into town. Groceries,... health care,... every basic need will require me to walk into town. No matter the weather or how I feel. With my 'dream budget' money gone I can no longer afford a car or to go anywhere.
And this leaves me no better off than I was back in Ontario. Now I am stuck inside my RV with no way to go anywhere unless I walk. Or ask my cousin and bother him. Which I am not comfortable doing. I know he probobly doesn't mind (or he wouldn't do it) but I don't like being beholden to anyone. I want to live self sufficient. I can't help thinking that somewhere down the line my cousin is going to get tired of being my personal assistant and taxi driver that he will start to resent me. And that will sour our relationship (which is excellent right now). I can't explain how awful it feels to have to rely on someone else just for your basic needs.
And it was never the plan. The plan was to get a car and LIVE! Go out and explore. Use the money I purposely put aside to be a tourist. Visit all the places the rest of the world come here to enjoy. But with no car or money,... I can no longer do this. Now, I just sit in my RV and watch tv. Exactly what I was doing in Ontario! What I was trying so desperately to escape. And the worst bit? The Island I want to explore is just outside my door. I just can't reach it,.... it taunts me but I just can't get to it. Unless I ask my cousin,...
I am really enjoying getting to know my two cousins. But so far, all I have done is been a burden to them. The cousin I live next door to in this park helps me every single day. Unfortunately I need him. I don't like knowing I need anyone to rely on.
Laundry. Is not only terribly expensive here at anwhere from $10 to $20 a load. I did a load on the weekend and it cost me $20. If I did that every 2 weeks it would be $40 a month just for laundry.
Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month.
The cost of groceries has sky rocketed so much I am back to living off of milk and cereal. I was doing alright the first month I was here but after the money drained I realized I can't afford the monthly cost to live here. It's much more expensive for everyday things that I had anticipated. So now I am back to rationing groceries to cereal,....
Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month.
My RV pad rental alone is $1200 a month. More than I make a month. Which is why I put so much away in the bank to save. So I would always have my RV pad rental for two full years. Now some of that is already gone. Used to 'fix' the tin can I call home.
Remember, I only bring in $1072.74 a month.
So what was suppose to open my life up to adventure and fun has been shut down forever. No car. No exploring. Back to living in poverty stuck inside watching tv.
And I haven't even started on my pain. I have lived with pain for years. But I am much older now and my pain has become unbearable. I will never get the health care I need (5 surgeries to correct stuff from being hit by a car) leaving me to continue to suffer. I am too old and in too much pain to walk two hours evertime I need to go to the clinic. That isn't even a family doctor - just a nurse practioner. I worked in the medical field so I know how inconsistant this care is. It's a bandaid solution. I desperately need a physical but I will never get one. You need a family doctor before you can get one. So I thought I would finally get the help I need but in the end nothing is different here in BC than it was in Ontario. If you dont have a family doctor ~ then you will have to 'chase' your health care. I am too old and tired and in pain for that. So I gave up even trying to access it.
If I have to 'ask' for everything I need like I am a child,.... then I dont' want this life. I came to BC thinking it would give me opportunities I couldn't access in Ontario. But after being here nearly 2 months I have learned that I am actually worse off here as now I either walk into town for everythig or ask for help. I DONT ASK FOR HELP. If i cant survive on my own ~ I dont' survive. I dont' rely on my cousin or others for basic needs. THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN and it goes agaist everything I feel comfortable with.
NOONE takes into consideration my pain. I live everyday in pain.
I am tired now. And pain prevents me from living self sufficiently. I am at the point now where I physically can't walk into town anymore as it's too painful.
I am depressed now because of this. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!
I am not happy living this way. I dont want to live this way anymore. And if people can't understand this then thats not my problem to explain it. My neighbour emailed me in dismay that I would want to die. But that nieghbour (back in Ontario) has a car and never has to walk anywere. So they dont get it. NOONE who has a car will ever understand having to walk for everything you need. If i have to explain that ~ then I give up. If you can't see that this new life is physically exhausting and you are dismayed I choose death then I guess I just am not getting across my desperation.
I AM 63 ~ AND IN PAIN AND EXHAUSTED.
And now I have no reward for living this life. I no longer get to do any of the stuff I had planned. Now I just sit in a freezing cold tin can watching tv. Because that is all I am capable of.
THIS IS NOT A NEW BEGINNING! This is my old life in a different place. Nothing has changed. I am still poor and in pain and isolated away from the world.
I cant get anywere
So if you have a car then please dont judge me. A car is freedom that I longed for but never got,... and having no car has left me in a trailer park with no way to get anywhere.
THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN and I refuse to settle for it. I physically can't keep us anyway even if I did accept this life.
So THAT is why I threw my blood pressure meds in the toilet and choose not to seek out health care. One it's just too ;hysically hard to access and two: I just want to have a heart attack and end the suffering.
I cant ask for help from the church i joined as I cant even get to the church i joined. I only ever got there twice. How? Asking my cousin. So i stopped going.
If I cant live self sufficinetly I dont want to live.
If I cant live without pain then I dont want to live.
If I cant live with a few bucks in my pocket to get me out of this RV, then I don't want to live.
I no longer wish to live. So please ~ God ~ give me a heart attack so I no longer have to wake up each morning in so much pain I can't do anything.
Please God ~ just let me die.
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