Taking the good with the bad

 I have been in BC for just under one month. There have been good things happening,.... and there have been frustrating things happening. I am trying to embrace the good and cope with the bad. But boy there have been days that I wanted to pack it all in and just lay down in a heap on the floor and just cry.

But my cousin (Brian) has been awesome. He has not only stepped in and been my peresonal helper but he is also my cheerleader when I get discouraged. He reminds me that these are only teething pains. All RV owners go through them. He admits mine have been a lot and definitely frustrating but he did remind me that we will get it all sorted out and things will eventually settle down.

My refridgerator died. I lost all of my groceries. I had just bought about $60 worth of meat which went bad and I had to throw out. Infact, I had to throw out 3 bags of rotten food. I now have no food in my RV as I have nowhere to put it to keep it fresh. A neighbour brought me down a small bar fridge which I am thankfully using. At least I can still have milk and cereal now. Yesterday I had to go out and order a new fridge. It's going to be close to $1000 with delivery and taxes. THAT is one purchase I was NOT expecting and really hit my bank account hard. So today I have to walk to the Brick and pay for and order a new fridge. FRUSTRATING!

I had another issue where my batteries stopped working. Leaving me with no lights or tv or wifi. That took ages to figure out and fix. I am still having other issues I can't figure out so I had to break down and call an RV Technician to come out and take a look at all of these issues I am having. At $260 an hour I feel sick having to pay that but it has to be done. 

This RV that was suppose to be 'turn-key' ready,.... wasn't. And it has cost me way more than it ever should have leaving me with a lot less money. This wasn't part of the plan!!!!!!

But I did get some good news. The RV pad right beside my cousin has become available. So I have asked to move my RV down to be beside Brian. That way we can make an outside space for the both of us to enjoy. Share our space on the outside. Get a gazebo and a barbecue and chairs and make ourselves a nice out-door living space. It has been a real advantage having Brian in  my life. He is not only kind, but very knowledgable so he is always figuring things out for me when I run into something else that broke. He has offered me his time over and over again giving up things he had planned for himself. I owe my cousing a great deal.

I am feeling better mentally today. I just reminded myself again why I moved here. There are no 'nasty' Kelly, Darrens or Marks out to purposely make my life difficult. I can be whoever I want to be here. I can go wherever I want to go here. No bored drug addicts planning revenge just becasue they are bored. That part of my life - which was really bad when I left - is now gone. I can't tell you how much stress those 3 idiots caused me back in Ontario but now I am out. I am so grateful that I never have to deal with these people ever again. And that alone is worth all the shit I am going through now.

The bad news ~ I have sunk over $5000.00 into this RV just to 'fix' shit. I used way more money than I had anticipated so now I have to go out and find a cleaning job or something as I have to make back all this money I used. If i dont,... I will run out of money by 2028 and wont be able to pay my RV pad rental. So I have no choice but to find a job to make up $3000.00 over the next year.

But BC is so beautiful! Every time I get discouraged and have a melt down,... I pick myself up and dust myself off and tell myself I am still better off in BC than I ever was in Ontario. I just have to be patient and get through all these teething pains. I had not anicipated spending so much to start up. But I have. Instead of worrying about it, I just have to get through it. Once i am through all these unexpected 'fixes' I can relax. (At least that is the hope ~ please let me have some peace here eventually to just enjoy)

Today I have to walk into town to run some errands. I walk into town almost everyday. I have nothing in my (borrowed) fridge  as I threw it all out when it went bad. So I need to buy more groceries. (But no freezer now so can't buy meat). 

Life has been a challenge here. But i think once I settle it will all be worth it. I just have to hang in there and get through it.

 This ship is sinking,....

 Things just keep going from bad to worse. Today I woke up to no battery power. No battery power means no tv or wifi or lights. I have enough wifi left to google what the problem is and it sounds like when the hot water on demand tank was installed the wire got disconnected or loosened and now isn't working. Do I call the 'un-licenced' guy in my park who installed it for me? Or do I just finally call a real RV tech at A LOT OF MONEY to come and fix it? Either way I can't do anything right now as it's 6 o'clock in the morning.

This RV is a money pit.

I dont want to live in it anymore but I have nowhere to go.

So I am sitting here at 6 in the morning,.... with no tv and nothing to do. Sitting in a tiny RV with not a damn thing to do.

What have I done? I had no choice but to leave Ontario yet I find myself in yet another struggle I can't seem to get out of.

Maybe it's time to call it a day. My end of life stuff is all bought and paid for so maybe it's just time to end it all.

I am so tired of nothing ever going right. 

I think it's time to end it all.

 I have had enough but don't know what to do.

I can't stay in this RV anymore.

I am sat here - nauseaus - from the smell but have nowhere to go.

I just want to die

PLEASE just let me die

I just need to die

 Well I am back to the old misery blog so what does that tell you? I am miserable again. Moving to BC has not been the 'save' I thought it was going to be. Infact,... so far, it's been nothing but a money drain. I have not only used up my whole budget but have had to tap into my 'living expenses' budget. Ro the tune of thousands of dollars. That money was put away as I DONT MAKE ENOUGH TO SURVIVE EACH MONTH AND THAT MONEY IS TO SUPLEMENT THAT LOSS!! Now when the time comes to pay my rent - the money wont be there.

This RV has been nothing but a money pit.

I like the RV and I like the place i am in. But I was not expecting to be drained of every penny I had to start up this life. I have had smells,... water issues,... and everything came with a hefty pricetag to fix. Today I find out I need a new fridge. The one in here is so bad I have had to throw out chunky milk 3 times as the fridge wont work. I have had to throw out expensive meat and groceries as they have gone bad.

I can't help thinking I have gone from the frying pan into the fire,....

Why am I being forced to live? Why is everything i touch a struggle? Why can't I just live - normally - without hassle? WHY?

I have decdied this move was not the right thing to do. If the RV had been sound and i didnt' have to waste money 'fixing' it, things would have been fine. But they are not fine. Everything in this RV was broken and cost me my savings to fix. Now I have nothing left and have gone into debt and still I need a new fridge.

Time to make some hard decisions,.... stop my meds and hope to die.

I have had enough of being scammed and treated like a horrible fucking person,...

I just need to die!!!!!!!!!!!

What did I ever do in this lifetime that has left me struggling every single place I go,.... I can't take it anymore. I just want to die now.

 I am in crisis. All I want to do is DIE

I have woken up to NO WATER. But being brand new to the RV life I have no idea how to fix it. So I am sat here - crying - as I hate where I am. This RV still smells horrible and I can't stay here. So I gave Brian all of his stuff back and i plan on walking away. But I can't find affordable housing. Story of my life,.... noone wants me,... and I can't find a place i can afford.

So I think I am going to pack a bag and get myself over to the mainland and find a cheap hotel there and find fentanyl and die.

And now its all gone to shit

 I have decided I have had enough. I called MAiDs today and I am going to apply.

My brand new RV smells absolutely HORRIBLE of sewar gas and mold. I landed in the ER today and walked out with meds for steroids and puffers. I will suffer this horrible fiberglass feeling in my lungs for as long as I live here in this RV,

So I cant live in thsi RV.

This will be the third time I have lost everythign and had to start again.

I will not be doing that

I am exhausted and too traumatized to want to.

I did everything RIGHT but still paid $51000 for a moldy tin can.

I give up

FUCK LIFE

I'm going through MAiDs ~ and if they say no then I do it my fucking self. I take the ferry to Vancouver to the downtown Eastside and take a fatal dose of fentanyl.

NOONE SHOULD BE SCAMMED 3 fucking times and lose everything,....

 Things were going so well,... I was so happy. But in my life we all know happiness doesn't last. And today I reached out to MAiDs as I have had enough.

I have been in BC in my new RV for one week. The first few days were wonderful. Awesome,... the stress of the idiots in the gazebo had lifted and I was starting to feel peace. 

But now real life is setting in and with that comes a horrible horrible smell. My RV smells like sewage gas and mold. So bad I am sick. I have been sick since the day I moved in. Obviously it sat too long somewhere and it got mold and mildew. But on the inside. Even though this thing was in mint condition and was perfect ~ I guess mold was in here all along. As soon as I started turning my a/c or fan on I was blasted with a mildewy aroma that fills this whole RV. I have been sick because of it. I have been coughing up green flem and have a bad cough and feel nauseous all the time.

And then yesterday,...the smell of sewer gas started. This morning it's over-whelming and I can barely stand it. But when I went outside for some relief, it was too hot for me. (I'm quite sick and cant take the heat) so I am back sitting inside 'my new home' feeling like death warmed over.

I hate it. Not BC,.... this RV. I got sold a lemon.

But I refuse to be scammed once again and left with something I can't even live in.

I called the dealership and they are coming out at one o'clock and i know they are going to con me as they have said we will get you duct cleaning,.... what a joke. Its mold. dangerous mold and it cant be removed with duct cleaning.

So I know i will get bullied and left with this problem on my own. I refuse to deal.

I will just talk with MAiDs and if they wont help me then its the last option in my arsenal - Vancouver DES ~ Downtown Eastside. And a healthy dose of fentanyl and I will be gone,...

I am too old and too exhausted and too traumatized from all the shit I've had to endure to carry on,...

Now I just want to be dead. 

Now all I concentrate on is getting dead.

I am done with this fucking world