I am totally broken,....

I am walking away from RV life,...

Selling this money pit of a tin can,....

I'm done

But I have nowhere to go or money to move there 

So it's time,...

If society won't allow me to afford breathing 

then I leave this world

Buying an RV is a scam. They are garbage!!!!

DO NOT BUY A NEWER RV!

When I bought this RV, it was because I was in a desperate situation. I had to get out of a toxic situation in Ontario. My plan was to move to BC. Buy an RV and start a fresh life. Seemed fool-proof in theory. In practice,... it has been a nightmare.

What annoys me most of all is that I did my homework. I researched RV's for 5 months before I bought one. The one thing I did hear over and over again from the RV community was that RV's built after covid (around 2020) are all manufacturing GARBAGE! But the problem with that is,... that RV Parks will only allow new RV's to use their parks now. Ten years old and newer. So I had to buy a newer RV so I would have parks accept me for the next 8 years. Anything after 2016 will not get you into any RV parks. The system doens't allow you to buy older, better built RV's. So we are forced to buy newer ones and then we have all found out newer ones are garbage! 

I have a 2024 Rockwook Mini-lite. 26 foot. It looks beautiful!! When I walked onto the "Arbutus RV sales lot" I asked to see 4 season RV's. The sales men immediately said on Vancouver island you won't need a four season RV. Luckily for me I had my cousin with me and he immediately cut him off and said we only want to see 4 season RV's. They only had 4. I looked at the one I bought and i fell in love. It was beautiful. All shiny and clean and sleek looking. Both Brian and I gave it a good going over and saw nothing to concern us.

I went ahead and paid $51,000 for this RV.

I was promised it was turn-key. No problems - just  move in and enjoy.

Lets move ahead to last night. I WAS FROZEN. I have learned that this trailer has no way to maintain the heat. It instantly disappears through this shoddily built tin can. When the furnace is on (run by very expensive propane) I am warm. But 5 minutes after the furnace shuts off it is freezing again. All the heat has disappeared. Last night I didn't even sleep I was so cold. I sat up in 3 layers of clothes. A winter hat and blanket with a hearting pad plugged into a bluetti charger (as plugging it into my wiring would short it out). 

I was still cold. Toasty warm when the furnace ran,... but after it stopped the cold rushes right back.

To date I have spent so much money I have gone into debt. When I started this move I had over $100,000.00. Today I am in debt. This RV hemorrhaged money out of my bank account. Every day something new broke I had to replace. I have spent thousands on repairs just to make it livable and I have only been in it for less than 3 months.

I belong to a few Facebook RV groups and I am seeing that I am not the only one who has been scammed by this industry. THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people are facing the same harsh reality. The Rv's we spent our life savings on, are garbage. I only lost $100,000.00 but there are people who paid well over $200,000 (and more) for their new RV's for a fresh new start and almost all of these folk are regreeting their buy.

RV manufacturing is a joke. Everything they produce now is garbage. And, WE, the consumer are paying for it.

I myself have decided that my life has to end. I have been scammed,... used,.... conned and bullied once too often and now I have given up. I am old,... disabled and in pain. I refuse to live my last few years in a freezing tin can miserable. Unable to get the health care I need I am deciding to give up.

Last night was horrible. FREEZING cold. I dont deserve this. I did my homework. I did everything right and yet life scammed me anyway.

I am learning that life will never let me win.

To the people making and selling RV's. STOP taking good folks money just to have them watch their homes fall apart right infront of their eyes.

Our dreams,.... our hard earned money,.... GONE. Stolen by an industry that just doens't care what happens once that tin can drives off their lot.

Well I, and many, many others are paying for it.

Every single day I find something else that is broken and will cost me more money to fix. Well as of today I no longer put one more penny into this lemon. Infact,... I am thinking of how I can walk away from this RV altogerther. It's a badly built tin can that can't even hold any heat. And I am stuck with it. Can't sell it as it has depreciated so much I wouldn't get my money back. But I can't live in it. You can't live in a place that you have to wear a winter hat and 3 layers of clothes to stay warm.

I did not deserve this. But I am too tired to care anymore,....

I just want to be gone now. Die of a heart attack and escape this mess.

I hate my life and just want to die now. And with my heart problem, that probobly won't be long from now. I would say weeks rather than months i will be dead.

And after the past 10 years ~ I couldn't be happier I will die.

Get me off this unfair horrible planet ~ I have had enough.

If noone cares anyway,... why should I even bother trying to get help?

I don't even know where to begin this post. I have been phoning multiple agencies for help but all I get is "We can't help you here,... try this number instead" I feel like all I do is sit on the phone and BEG for help that never materializes. Just the fucking run-around.

My blood pressure is extremely high again. Infact, just for fun I googled it. And the answer??? GO GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!

So do I call 911 and have to pay $80 I don't have? Go to ER - sit in there all day for a 2 month prescription and then when that runs out have to start all over again looking for meds? NO ~ I am done with that bullshit bandaid care.

Do I phone the urgent care in the HOPES of getting an appointment and where I am only allowed ONE complaint??? Even if they DO have an available appointment I have to walk an hour there and an hour back just to access it. I am not well enough anymore to do that.

Or do I do nothing and hope to die,....

I am totally alone looking for health care. Noone is helping me at all. No matter who I call or talk to it is bandaid care that I have to climb a mountain to get. So I sat and asked myself.

If noone else cares about my health care then why should I anymore?????????

And with that ~ I decided to stop looking for care and just let myself die.

But this realization broke me. Discovering that NOT ONE PERSON gives a rats ass about my severe high blood pressure, has just left me feeling despondant. Invisable,... unworthy and a waste of breath

So if noone even notices I am desperate then that tells me noone cares anyway,...

and that has left me feeling like the worst fucking person on this planet.

A MONSTER that does't deserve 

And with that, I now just pray to die

If noone cares about my health care, then noone will care that I am dead.

And that is the most devastating realizations and I just can't live with that. NOONE FUCKING CARES!

All I wanted was help ~ too late now ~ I will be dead in a few months

I need help. With multiple things,.... but instead I am invisable. Unseen,... worthless to this society.

I have been on the phone for the past few weeks trying to get health care and help with Superior Propane gouging me. But it just seems I never dial the correct number and I just get fobbed off and told to call another number which ends up equally useless.

NOONE seems to be able to help me. NOONE!

So I am done.

I no longer ask for help from anybody, about anything.

I sit here and wait to die

And that wont' take long with my blood pressure 

Fuck you canada ~ I do not need to die! but I dont see how to get help

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN and now I will die

FUCK CANADA

I'm so done

I just heard from Superior Propane. A huge national company scammed me.

I can't fight a huge corporation

They want over $560 PLUS a bill when they come to remove my tank

So fuck off world this is the last straw

I am ending my life

Superior propane 

I hope this 'being right' was worth it because I can't take one more scam,... con,.... 

I am done

If i am dead NOONE can con me again

FUCK YOU SUPERIOR PROPANE Some people just don't have the money and can't be bothered being chased by debt collectors for the restr of my life.

YOU WIN ~ I DIE
Fuck this world

Happy Birthday to a daughter who hates me but I love her more than life itself

 October 19th 1994

This is the day my youngest daughter was born.

But she doesn't like me

I apologize ~ she ignores like I didn't even say anything

I don't even exist to my children. 

I am a monster

I can't live without my children

or knowing my family thinks I'm a monster

It's time to just go away,....

go away,....

go away,....

and thanks to our horrible health care system? I won't even need to do it myself. My blood pressure tells me I will be dead in 6 months anyway

I go to my grave a monster my children couldn't stand to even look at

I just want to die now

I am so frustrated right now. It is Monday morning. I have had a nice weekend. Infact, the weekends are the only time I am happy. And that is because on the weekend I have my cousin Brian. For companionship, (I am so fucking bored trapped inside that tiny, tiny RV!), for help getting laundry and other stuff done I have no way of doing on my own. Two days of relief from severe boredom and frustration. But now it is Monday morning again. A whole week ahead of me of nothing to do,... nothing to do,.... nothing to do,...

My blood pressure is up and down. Never good. Sometimes its only regular high but often it is dangerously high

I should be calling 911

I will not

Because health care is just too hard to get in Canada without a family doctor. I give up climbing mountains just for a 'you can only discuss one issue' visit with a nurse practioner. NO DOCTOR!!! Just bandaid care. well you can take your fucking bandaid care and shove it up your fucking ass. I'm tired and can't climb your fucking mountains to get help,.... so I give up.

I am fed up of being invisable to this country and to the world

I would rather die of a heart attack

I hate my life and I really just want to die

Sitting in a tiny 200 square foot tin can with nothing to do but watch tv is mind numbing. I am not living,.... I am just breathing.

My anxiety is out of control. I sit here feeling like I am going to have a panic attack all the time. My stomach is in knots,... my nerves are on fire,.. everything bothers me.

I just need to die!!!!!

What happened to Canada that left me invisable

I am waiting for my Walmart grocery order to be delivered. I have no car. I have always had to rely on delivery for food since I lost my car. But this is where being poor is so expensive. If I had a car I would have paid $156.00 total. But because I am poor and don't have a car, I had to pay a lot extra 

    *******************

$1.00 bag fee

$3.51 additional fee (doesn't even tell you what it's for!)

$8.97 delvery fee from store

$8.65 driver tip

$5.00 (cash) for driver at door

$27.13 Total ~ just because I don't have a car and needed delivery

    *********************************

He just arrived and dropped everything off. The delivery guy was very nice and helpful which is why I gave him a five dollar bill in cash. I don't know if Walmart actually gives the drivers their tips so if they are good deliveries I give them cash too. Afterall, they are just trying to earn a living too.

So if your poor and have no transportation your groceries will cost you $27.13 more. 

My laundry has gone up from $2.50 a load to $11.00 or up to $20 a load.

Groceries here are much more expensive than I ever anticipated. Whether this is the same all across Canada right now due to the tariffs and bad economy, or just here on the island, I don't know. But suddenly groceries have become a luxury for me. In that $156 of my MONTHLY shop, I still don't have enough to eat for a month. I will be living off of milk and cereal and hamburgers. Like I have for the past 3 or 4 years. 

Now that I have bought everything for the month on my budget, I can see I am in trouble. I went $400 in the hole last month due to unexpected costs. And we are only half way through October and I am already over $300 in the hole. This is telling me that the cost of living here is more than I can afford. 

I am going into the red every month by hundreds of dollars. At this rate I will be deeply in debt by the time I turn 65 and get my benefits to top me up to a livable monthly wage.

Canada has priced me right out of living!!!!

And with Superior propane scamming $600 more dollars which they are extorting me now. They are refusing to come and pick up their tank. It sits right infront of my RV. My cousin asked them not to put it there when they delivered it as my RV couldn't get out if there was a fire. They refused to put it anywhere else but exactly infront of my RV. NOW I KNOW WHY!!! If you don't pay they extort you,....

Pay or you can't move your RV or get propane from someone else. Now I have no heat or hot water once this tank runs out,...

It's like the world thinks I'm on this planet to be scammed,... conned,... bullied,...

I just can't take it anymore. WAY too much to deal with right now and I am not doing well. Pain,... money problems,.... can't find health care,... no car,... isloated in a tin can everyday going out of my mind with boredom. This is not living,....

Goint to Vancouver Whitecaps games is living,...

Getting to drive around and see the Island and all it's beauty is living,...

Having my daughters in my life and my grandchild is living,...

Being able to go where you want when you want and to afford it is living,...

But this???? This being completely isolated inside all day is NOT LIVING. It is surviving,.... it is not even existing, it is surviving. And surviving is fucking exhausting right now.

I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I am so numb inside that I can't even feel anymore. FROZEN

What the fuck happened to Canada that I am fucking invisable 

Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable

I'm probably going to stroke out today. But I've given up trying to get Healthcare!

This is my blood pressure this morning. Am I going to call 911? 

NO

Why? Because I am sick of using 911 as my health care. I will call 911,... an ambulance will come and it will cost me $80.00. For whoever is reading this? Let me tell you CANADA's health care is NOT free to the poor folk without a family doctor. For us it costs us a fortune for health care.

REREAD that:  If I call for help it will cost me $80.00

I live off of $1,072.74 a month from my CPP and National Disability. I don't even make enough a month to cover my RENT for my RV! I don't make enough for food!! I can't afford an ambulance!!!

 My settlement money is gone! I am back to living in poverty. $1.072.74 a month.

FUCK this society I would rather die of a heart attack. But of course, I will probobly just stroke out and will end up living with severe deficits and end up in some government run facity (as who can afford private care???) and end up just like my Grandma Ida Holyoak.

 Thrown away and forgotten about until you die.

I am so fucking angry and I just want to die of a heart attack now.

I hate Canada right now. This governemtn lost our health care system and I am going to pay for that,.... If you don't have a family doctor in CANADA you won't get any health care. Your fucked!

So FUCK OFF CANADA ~ Now I just hope to die to end my suffering.

 I fucking give up

I am never getting

Health Care

I guess I wasn't worth saving to anyone in this country

It's four o'clock in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I have given up trying and put the coffee on. I have a headache. I took my blood pressure. Very high. I should be calling 911. But I am not.

My life has not been good for years and years and years,....

I just hope I finally have a heart attack and die.

If I can't get health care,....

then lets hope tonight is the night that I finally have a heart attack and die.

I'm so tired of trying to get help.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy and undeserving in my life,...

I guess I just wasn't worth saving,.....

Canada is allowing me to die and not giving me help so FUCK CANADA!

My blood pressure is out of control again. My BP monitor broke from the move so I haven't been checking my blood pressure. But the past week or so I have had a pressure headache so I knew something was going on. Yesterday my cousin drove me to Walmart so I could buy a BP monitor. Theres another $70 wasted on stuff I hadn't budgeted for putting me behind even more.

It's DANGEROUSLY high again!!!

But this time,... I am not seeking help. Because this here is the cycle that I am in with no health care. I get severly high BP. I call an ambulance,... I go to hospital and get a BP perscription and go home. When that subscription runs out ~ I have to climb Mount Everestt to renew it. Walk an hour to walk in and then an hour back home. 

I am too old to do this anymore.

So I have made the decision to let myself DIE.

Health care is just too hard to access.

So roll on heart attack,.....

I can't wait to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!

And Canada ~ your badly run country just killed another one.

And YOU don't even care,.....

DUCK CANADA as you have literally allowed me to die!!!!!

Fuck you Canada for throwing away a disabled senior to fend for themselves until they only want to die

It's Tuesday at noon. I was up early as usual. Not becauseI want to get up early, but because my body is so used to it, I simply can't sleep in. I wish I could. If I could sleep in until noon everyday it would eat up time I usually spend watching tv ~ bored out of my mind. 

I moved here because I was stuck inside my apartment with no money, no transportation so I was literally just existing. It was horrible. I was having panic attacks from the boredom of nothing to do. Moving here was suppose to change all that. 

I was suppose to have a car.

Now? No car,... I will never be able to afford a car. So all this effort to move provinces has been a complete waste. I am still stuck inside my home with no money to do anything and no car to go there even if I did. I have no health care which was suppose to be different.

Are you telling me that in all of CANADA you can't find me a doctor to give me the physical I so desperately need??? Not in all of CANADA??????? I will be dead of heart disease in 6 months anyway without care.

So, in short ~ NOTHING HAS CHANGED

So,... here I am at noon on a weekday. I have cleaned this whole RV top to bottom. I have showered. I am ready to start my day,... but I am trapped inside this tin can. 

I am so bored I am having panic attacks. I suddenly start pacing and then I get this overwhelming need to leave so I grab my purse and leave. But I have nowhere to go. So i just walk and walk and walk until I am in so much pain I can barely drag myself home again. And in the end all this achieved was to leave me in pain for the next 3 days.

I am so bored I am tearing my hair out.

I won't survive.

It is literally like living in a prison cell. 

I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS BOREDOM.

I sent away for my MAiDs application and it should come in the mail this week.

I have never felt so invisable and unworthy in my life. 

No purpose

Just get up and be bored and have panic attacks all day

FUCK THIS

I'm done

I tried for 10 years to make a better life but this country doesn't want me to have one

So with that I will end my life and finally find the peace I crave.

FUCK YOU CANADA for throwing people away when they are desperate,.... FUCK YOU

 Maybe

 I was just not meant

 to be happy

I just need to die

I don't even know where to begin. I am not happy. I am in severe pain and I am getting no help.

I need to do laundry today. Will i do it? No. Why? Because I don't have it in me today to fill up my dirty clothes into a suitcase and walk that suitcase into town to the laundromatte. I honestly just don't have the energy. So how do I do laundry???? This has become a problem for me.

I guess I will just wear dirty clothes and smell now. :(

Living in an RV is not good for FM sufferers. My bed is a place of pain for me. Just getting in and out of it causes me such pain. Can you imagine waking up and just to get out of bed you have to endure severe pain. Not a nice way to start your day.

This RV is so small there is no room to do anything. And because of this, I am climbing over stuff to get to other stuff which is painful.

Everything about this RV causes me pain.

I HATE this fucking RV and I have made a terrible mistake.

Now I just want to die and get some relief from this fucking pain.

DIE
DIE
DIE

I hate my life and now I just need to die

I don't want this RV anymore

I don't want to live in this RV at all

But there are no other choices so I have to make a decision

And that decision is to die

I guess I was just never meant to be born,....

The thought of death is just so peaceful to me

 I have woken up a bit calmer. I think because I have made the decision and started the ball rolling. I feel such a deep exhaustion ~ a deep pain ~ that I just can't go on anymore. And making the decision to go through MAiD's has given me peace.

I know my suffering will stop soon

I love my children but they are never coming back. And them believing I am a monster is just too unbearable. So horrible I am not allowed to be part of the family - is a pain I cannot deal with. It has eaten me up inside. I go to bed every night and think about my children. I torture myself knowing they hate me.

I can't live without my children.

I can't live knowing they think I'm a monster

I feel relief having started the process to finally die,...

I am so heartbroken and in so much pain,...

How can you live in peace knowing your children think your a monster??? I can't,.... the pain of that tortures me and can no longer deal with that pain.

I am a failure

I have failed

I just need to die now

All i want to do now is die.

And the thought of death is just so peaceful to me.

The ball is rolling to start MAiDs

I know that people won't understand. But I have to do what is right for me at this point. My Pain has gotten too bad for me. I am not able to be self sufficient anymore which is very important to me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and that is what I have become.

I made some phone calls today. They are sending out the MAiDs application form to me through the post as I couldn't print it out when they emailed it. I had a problem with a witness watching me fill out the form and sign it as I had noone to ask. The woman I spoke with said she would be my witness. So that problem is now sorted. 

I can't tell you how disappointed I am in Canadas health care system. It has failed me. But I am not going to spend my remaining years in agony just because my govenment can't get their act together and supply every Canadian with a family doctor. Those without have to jump through hoops for care and I am too old and tired for those hoops.

Life has not been kind or gentle for the past few years and it has destroyed my spirit. If I had my children and grandchild in my life the pain would be worth fighting through. But with noone in my life anymore,… and being isolated away in a trailer unable to go anywhere to live life,…. thats not living,… thats suffering.

Just let me end it now.

Life should never have been this way

So sad

 I have made phone calls. But apparently life is very unworthy and doesn't have a lot of value here in Canada as all I have got is the run around so far. Call this number - call that number,.... I have called about half a dozen numbers but so far - noone has called back. When you leave a message that you are 63 and in pain and can't access heaelth care in Canada so would like to go through MAiDs,... and you get the run around 

YOUR LIFE HAS NO VALUE

I can't even get help to die

I will wait for today. If noone calls me back that tells me I am an invisable piece of shit noone cares about.

I will just do it myself

RV Life is not for me and I am walking away. Taking a huge loss and walking away. I have had enough. 

I am so depressed and unhappy I can't go on.

So I am doing whatever it takes to die.

I cant eat,... I can't sleep. I am miserable because I know now there is no place for me on this planet.

I am not wanted

I am not loved

I am hated

I am a monster

I deserve to die