Everything has gone wrong

Everything in this RV is breaking.

My window blinds are falling off. When my cousin went to fix them we discovered they are put into the valance which is a thin veneer of cardboard or pressboard or something. Nothing will hold in it. It's much too thin and weak. When we looked at the rest of the windows we saw they are the same. Designed to look aesthetically pleasing (They do look nice) but built on cardboard. And when we looked at screws in the slide wall, the wall is way too thin to get anything to hold. Besides, any RV owner will tell you that you never want to drill holes into your RV walls. It's a place for water to get in. So now, I have no idea how to cover my windows. I will have to buy black out material and just velcro or ducktape the stuff directly to the wall making it a bloody eye sore.

Now my body has rejected the only built-in chair I have in this whole RV. Again, it looked beautiful. But once my cousin and I started to sit in them a lot, we both started having back problems. Since then, my whole fibromyalgia body has rejected this chair. It is so painful I just can't use it anymore. But I have zero place else to sit as this RV is so tiny. Do I just stand all day?? So I have had to drag my mattress into the livingroom/kitchen which is almost the same size. Now my floor is a mattress.

Everything is going wrong.

My brand new fridge works ok. But the inside design is so poorly laid out, that I can barely get anything in it. And the bottom shelf has a 2 inch gap in the back which is unusable leaving even less space. I have to limit what I buy as I just don't have enough room for everything. A big disappointment for how much I had to pay.

And then theres health care. I can't get any. I have been getting more and more unwell as time goes on. Not only do I have FM and the deficits from getting hit by a car, I have many other issues going on. Serious issues. I desperately need a physical to discover why I am having these problems. Cancer?? I'm not going into all my medical problems on here, but one I am particularly worried about is a pain on my left side which I have had for two years now. I can't think that is good,... but,... I will probobly never know. Infact, I am never well anymore. And this on top of my pain has become unbearable.

My pain is so bad now I can't walk into town anymore. When I do, the next day I wake up seized up in pain. Unable to function. I have to spend the next 2 or 3 days having 'pajama days'. The pain just isn't worth it.

So now my life is stuck in a tin can with no comfortable place to sit. I live with a mattress covering my entire RV. And that is where I spend my time twenty four hours a day. I lay on a mattress on my RV floor,... My cousin can't even come and visit anymore as now there is no room for him to sit as his feet would be on my mattress!  (Yes this RV is that small) So now I am isolated and alone for 5 days a week. 24 hours a day. Laying on a mattress on the floor,... I am having panic attacks from feeling so claustraphobic. I won't last here,... 

I am fucking miserable.

I am in pain,...

I am depressed because I can't seem to get over my daughters,...

I feel angry I can't get any help for my health,...

I am bored out of my fucking mind being stuck in this box all week long,... nothing to do but watch tv as that is all I am physically capable of now. I am a mess.

The only two people on this entire planet that even care i exist are my two cousins here on the Island. My family think I am some kind of monster,... I can't seem to get over this. My girls were my life. Without them I am nothing,... without them I can't seem to make a life,....

It's time now

My MAiDs application will be at the post office now. I just have to get there somehow to pick it up. And once I do that,... 

Hopefully I will get accepted and i can finally end my life.

NOONE fucking wants me anyway!!!! So why would anyone even care. The only one I will hurt are my two cousins here. But i can't live for them.

I'm miserable