Just want to die now

 I have officially given up. 

Ny cousin was nice enough to come and put up plastic on my windows as this RV can't maintin heat and I am freezing. So he did a trial window. It worked well. But,... now I can't see out of this window. He is doing all the rest tonight. So as of tomorrow ~ not only do I live in a tin can where everything is broken,... but now I can't even see outside.

My dream home has now become my PRISON. A 230 square foot prison. Cold and now I can't even see outside.

This is torture.

So I had a discussion with my cousin. A discussion I was afraid to have. He has bent over backwards to help me. Yet,... it has been a failure. 

I gave up. I was worried my cousin would be angry after all the hard work he has put into this RV. But surprisingly he agreed with me. He too sees this RV is a lemon and that I have been scammed once again. But theres nothing he or anyone can do to help me. 

I am fucked.

So I told him I am applying for MAiDs (medical assistance in dying) and again I was expecting him to get angry and walk out. But he didn't do that because he sees it. He sees my horrible conditions and he gets it. It has left us both angry (not at each other but at the world) he doens't have a great life either so he totally gets it.

And now that the news has been given I can move forward on it. I still have not received my MAiDs appication in the mail???? So today my whole goal is to get onto MAiDs and get this ball rolling.

Noone in Canada ~ at 63 years old ~ should be thrown away and left to rot. But thats what Canada has done to me.

So now I give up.

I am actively doing everything I can to die now.

Hurry up Maids,.... I just want to be gone now. For the pain and suffering to end.

I am very angry life has done this to me. Scammed,... conned,... bullied and left to deal alone. Isolated and heartbroken that I am so under valued and invisable to the Country i used to be so proud to call my home. 

Now at 63 I sit in a freezing cold RV I can't even see out the windows in feeling cold and claustrophobic to the point I am going mad.

No health care,.... I'm in invisable

No help at all,.... I am disposable

And coming to this realization has left me devastated that I am so unworthy to anyone.

So roll on death,... you can't come fast enough to get me off of this planet and out of this pain and suffering.