Molly had me awake at 5 o'clock this morning. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. Tossing and turning and never really sleeping. I had sent a text to my daughter Hayley saying:
"Hi Hayley. First of all I have to say I miss you. But that's not why I am writing. I would like to talk to you about my plans. I am leaving Ontario and moving to BC. Only this time I have settlement money so I won't end up homeless. I would very much love to say goodbye. I do not want to leave on bad terms. I am needing a new start and this is it. I will not text anymore. Everything gets misconstrued so I would like to meet up for a coffee. But only if you want to. I wont bother either of you if you still want to be left alone I only want you girls to be happy. I am going to Vancouver for a week on June 30th. Do all the leg work and try and find a place to put an rv. My money is in a GIC until September so I can't buy an RV until September but I am going out for a week to do all the legwork. But don't worry my cousin Brian will be with me making sure I'm taken care of."
She replied: I need to think about it
That really hurt me. You have to think about it????
I waited two complete days hearing nothing from her. And every minute that passed I knew she didn't want to. So this morning I texted her back:
"Look Hayley I don't want any problems. I just wanted to say goodbye. But if you have to think about it, then forget it. If I'm too hard to be around then forget it. Talk about hurtful Hayley. I'll just go without you. whatever. I didn't realize I was that hard just to say goodbye to. I must be a fucking monster. I don't wanna see you. I don't even want to hear from you. We're done. Have a nice life. When you can't even say goodbye to your own mother. Theres no relationship to save. Sorry I reached out - how stupid of me. It'll never happen again. I am a good person if you can't see that, then you don't deserve me."
And now it's done. I am so sick of being the scapegoat. Hayley is not perfect. Yet she was allowed to make mistakes (she was a fentynal addict!! I took her in when noone else would!!) I am so tired of all of them hating me. I am done.
I have some pride left and this is it showing it's last harah. I am going for a brand new start in BC. And I refuse to go with the feeling of everyone hating me back in Ontario. They have made me feel like a monster.
NO MORE
If thats what they think??? Fine. But I no longer let it effect me. I will now be 4000 km away. I was hoping for them to visit someday and see where i have ended up. But they dont' care,... they never cared,... their father and the rest of that click all made sure I was hated.
I dont' deserve it and I refuse to wear it. I leave knowing I tried. Being rejected was on them.
I'm sorry it has to be this way. It's not my choice. But i can't keep taking their rejection anymore.
I dont' deserve it
So today I start a new life and my children will never be in.
The difference now is ~ before I was pinning for them. Now I don't want to see them either,..... they are too painful for my mental health and I need to protect myself now.
They have lost their power. I no longer care what they think. I am starting a new life and I don't need them.
How sad. How very fucking sad.
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