I never seemed to fit in with the Morgans. I thought I did, but later learned they didn't fit with me. We ended up estranged and I no longer have any contact with my brothers of any kind.
Having no family naturally made me start thinking of my birth family. The Holyoaks. Because I already have all my paperwork strewn out all over my livingroom while I am packing, I came across all my mothers letters to me. I sat down and read every single one of them. And now,... I feel this overwhelming need to find out where she lived in BC and go there. All I know is key words from her letters,... Lone Butte,... 100 mile,... Williams lake,... She had 9.8 acres of land and lived in a trailer on that land. But where is that land??
So I took to google. Land property searches,... came up with nothing. I have to remember that a lot of what my Mother told me were lies. Cruel lies. But right now this is all I have to go on. None of the names she mentions seem to be close to each other. I dont think I will ever learn much about her. She seems to be a blank on the internet. But I may keep digging. Maybe I can find a death certificate. being her natural daughter I could easily send away for it.
I hate where I live so much I have become suicidal. I have been searching for a place to go for a few years now but so far,... no luck. And in the past year I have been feeling this pull towards BC. I have been feeling this need to learn more about my mother. Where did she live exactly.What hopsital did she die? What was her full real name? I dont even know that.
I feel like I have no family at all. The Morgans didn't want me but I dont really know the Holyoaks anymore. I feel adrift in a layer between families. Not in them,... just outside. Aside from my childhood days, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere,... always on my own. And now that I am older and feeling like a heart attack is close by, I feel this overwehlming urge to go and find my mothers life in BC. The rejection of my daughters and the Morgans ran deep and I never recovered. maybe I am searching for love and belonging somewhere else? I feel I have always been searching for love and belonging my whole adult life.
But why am I chasing the dead? I dont know. But I will continue to search. I hate Ontario. I can't live here anymore. maybe I will just throw a backpack on my back while in BC and just live homeless. Make my way from the island to Vancouver to do some research. I have enough moeny for rooms to rent, etc,... if I'm frugal. I can then make my way into the mainland and up towards Mission. My half-brother Tony lives there. He is mentally challenged and I really wouldn't know what to expect from him. All I know is he took her ashes and buried them somewhere only he knows.
I feel so untethered right now. Nothing connects me to anything. I am alone - adrift in life with noone.
What have I got to lose? I am so unhappy here I have daydreams of just walking out the door and never stopping,... just walk away from this life. Walk, walk, walk,... I just have this overwhelming urge to leave everything behind and just walk right out of my life,...
And the sad part? Noone would even notice I was gone,....
So much rejection in my life,... abandonments,... It has left me feeling like a nobody. And now I just want to leave. Tail between my legs and walk off into the sunset into nowhere,....
It can't be any worse than livng the life I'm living now.
I'm so miserable I just want to die
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