I was awoken at 6 this morning by "stomp, stomp, scrape,..." upstairs. That is the name I have dubbed the guy who lives above me. Once I am woken up I can't get back to sleep so even though I did try, I couldn't. I instead got up and put the coffee on. SIX O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING STOMP! WTF?

So my day didn't start well. But as the morning progressed I realized I just don't feel well physically today. My anxiety is at an all time high which is creating that "feel like I'm just about to go into a panic attack" feeling. On top of this I have noticed that over the past few days I have had a heavy feeling on my chest. As if something is just sitting there. Not a pain. Just a heaviness. But I am sensing it has more to do with anxiety than my heart. I know I have high blood pressure which has me feeling like my heart is probobly not 100%. So i do look out for heart attack symptoms. But this doesn't feel like my heart. This feels like a rising panic. A bad energy in the pit of my stomach. It's unsettling. I tried vaping it away but even though this normally works it didn't today. So I am sat here feeling quite "off". I don't know what other word to use. I just don't feel right,... You know that feeling you get when you let yourself get too hungry. It's like a hypoglycemia attack. Light headed,... shaky,... irregular heartbeat,... I tried eating but it hasn't gone away. So I am just sitting here feeling 'delicate'. I've been noticing a lot of changes to my body over the past few months. But with no doctor I'm not sure if it's anything I should be concerned about or not. It could just be simple stress. All the symptoms fit. But they fit a lot of ailments. All I know for sure is that over the past few months I have slowly been feeling unwell. Weak. Again the only word I can think of is "off" (???) What I really need is a complete physical. But I just don't feel like calling the walk in 230 times again just to get through. I'd rather die of a heart attack. I'm not being facetious. I really would rather just give up and die than have to work to get medical care. I'm too tired to care anymore. 

So i sit here watching tv. I am bored. I am jittery. I have cabin fever and need to get out of this apartment. But I don't feel well enough to leave the safety of my unit. What if I pass out while I am outside? I would be so embarrassed. I think i would rather just hang out here inside and hope it's just anxiety.

What a way to live,....