It is noon hour on a Wednesday. I sit here with a heavy heart as I watch on tv yet another school shooting in the States. (Apalachee High School) I watch YouTube every morning and this is what I was hit with first thing. For the record I am ANTI-Gun and feel very strongly about that. I don't believe anyone but law enforcement and hunters need a licence for a gun. But that is a whole other debate I won't get into right now. Instead I sit here shaking my head wondering what the hell is wrong with people,...
However,... I digress,... let me start again. My life has been a big struggle this past year. And this past week has tried me to my limit. I have given up as I have nothing left to fight with (or for). I haven't for a long time,... but I don't seem to have a choice about it. I am just forced to "deal" and carry on anyway. I am so exhausted!
Losing my ODSP has devastated me. I just can't believe it has happened. It's been like the rug getting ripped out from beneath my feet. It has left me terrified for my future.
But I did get good news yesterday. I talk about my handful of angels on this blog a lot. I rarely see them (some I've never even met) but when the chips are down ~ these ladies seem to come out of the woodwork to let me know I am not alone. First it was Becky last week. And yesterday I got mail from my cousin L*****e. I met her through my ancestry search. We are second cousins or something. But definitely dna related. She infact helped me solve a couple of mysteries about my family tree while I was researching my ancestry. Anyway,... she has always proven to me that she is a kind and empathetic person. And yesterday she let me know again with a cheque in an evelope that saved me this month. THANK YOU L*****E! You gave me breathing room. I can pay rent and still breath,.... thank you,... thank you,... thank you,...
I have started searching for a new home. But of course there isn't anything out there. I actually contemplated contacting my daughter Hayley. Afterall only a few short years ago she came to me homeless and a fentenyl addict. I TOOK HER IN. I know in an ideal world where life is fair,... she owes me. But I don't want to live with a person who doesn't want me. No matter how desperate my situation gets,... I do have pride. She showed me where I fit in her life and it was on the bottom of her priorities. If I asked to stay with her ~ even if she agreed ~ I would feel like a burden as I would sense I wasn't wanted there and she would end up feeling resentful that she had to take me in. So in the end I didn't contact her.
What makes me sad is I wished they took interest in my life and knew I was struggling and wanted to help,... but they have no idea what my life is like so they probobly don't even know I lost my ODSP. But I think even if they did,... they still wouldn't reach out to help. It's a truly sad and tragic situration.
I am desperate. And i don't see any answer but ending my life at this point. Do they really expect me to live OUTSIDE homeless at the age of 60? That seems too cruel to me and I just am too old to do it. I have been homeless before. But I had a car. And a car when you are homeless is a lifesaver. It is what got me through. But I don't have a car anymore. just a walker. And I refuse to live homeless with a walker under a bridge. So as I have been saying for the past 5 years,...
I don't actually want to be DEAD,....
But I just don't see any alternative. I want to live,... but only if I have a life. Not homeless with no family and no future,... THAT would be cruel and I refuse to allow that to happen. So it breaks my heart to know that the only answer is suicide. If noone comes forward with a place to live I will have no choice but to find that courage to finally do what I need to do to end this suffering. I will relocate to another province I am so desperate!!!! Just please,... if you can offer me a home,.... I am desperate,.... please reach out. Michelle,... Hayley,... Doreen,... John,...??? I don't even need a kitchen. Just a bathroom and a bedroom. I practiacally live off cereal already. I don't need a kitchen. Sadly I will probobly have to eutahnise Maggie. I won't be able to take her with me wherever I end up. The only companion I had that was faithful and stayed. My beloved kitty cat Margaret Mary O'Rilley,... I won't put her through being homeless. Luckily for her,... I am allowed to end her life humanely through a vet with euthansia. Because I am a human and not a cat,.. i don't get the same respect. I will have to suffer pain and trauma to end my own life. I am just grateful my beloved cat won't have to endure pain. I will see that she has a painless and legal death. She deserves that. Actually so do I,... but,... the world would rather watch me suffer instead. (?????) Well i don't have to listen to the "world" do I? if help doesn't come I will make my own decision. No one can stop me,.... and if they did they are heartless and cruel,...
Why am I being forced to face all this now? I am suppose to be retired enjoying my sunset years. Instead I am being forced to live a life of pain,... poverty,... and now,.... homelessness,.... It's just inhumane now and I'm just holding on,.... I really do need someone to come and save me,....
It breaks my heart that I know deep down no one is coming,....
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