It's 3:oo in the morning. I have been having trouble with the neighbour upstairs again with his noise. I had been trying to fall asleep but his stomping and scraping of furniture was excessive tonight. Normally even when it bothers me I just deal. During normal hours its fine to make noise. I get that. It's everyday living. If you live in an aprtment you have to expcet noise. But this guy has been walking around his aprtment pulling out chairs and stomping since midnight. At first I turned up my tv to drown it out. But that didn't work. So I banged on the wall once. It stopped for about 2 minutes and then went right back. I turned my tv up louder. But now I am irritated and theres no way I can sleep now. So I got up and I marched down to the Traverse office where his caregiver works and I knocked on their door and told them I'd had enough. I deal with his loudness all day. And I don't say anything. But at night just let me get some sleep please!!! She was all mad at me and tells me all her patients are in bed sleeping. I tell her she better go check on stompy up there then because he is anything BUT sleeping. I had just had enough after 3 hours of him walking around and making noise. Thats just rude. Not thinking of your surroundings and the people you are effecting at 3 in the morning. Just have a little descency and be quiet.

It's so discouraging living here. I live under constant irritation like this now. It leaves me feeling hopeless that I'm ever going to find a peaceful life again. And of course it probobly wouldn't bother me half a much if I was happy. But being stuck inside this apartment all the time I never get any joy or happiness or fun. Just negativity. It goes back to the therapists glass jar. For all the emotions you take out of your cup you have to fill it back up with new experiences. Otherwise your cup just remains empty. My cup is definitely empty. My anxiety level is high all the time. I feel stress all the time. I never feel just relaxed.  

And this afternoon I ran into the lady with the baby in the gazebo again today. I felt so awkward that I didn't even smoke. I just can't bring myself to light up a joint infront of a 9 month old baby. So I just waited until she left. But no one else seemed to care. They all carried on leaving a thick layer of smoke hanging in the air. It just wasn't right. I am really starting to sound like a bitch but it just seems everytime I go out to the gazebo it's something. But the rules say we HAVE to smoke there so we have to put up with it. Between people mooching and panhandling and (this one is gross) hoarking on the ground. DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING. But what can you do? NOTHING. So I just continue to smile and carry on like normal. But it's a horrible place to be in. And it's all these little things that add up and cause me such stress. My nerves are so shot, that I jump at the slightest of noise that startles me. My nerves are raw. I'm a complete wreck.

I don't think I'm going to survive living here. It has destroyed my mental health in the past year alone. I just need peace now but I don't know where that is. 

I want to go back to bed but I can still hear him up there. What the hell is he doing???? I know I will never fall asleep now so i may as well stay up. 

God I can't tell you how much I HATE my life and wish my heart would just beating,.... 

This isn't even my life. I have no say or control at all about how I live it. This isnt' my life. This isn't anybodies life. This is just existing.