I get attached to people. I don't have a lot of people in my life but the ones I do are special and cherished to me. I do appreciate my friends enormously.

But I do find it hard to get close to people. Especially in this building. An organization named Traverse shares our building. So part of it houses their brain injury patients and the other half is Ontario Housing. The problem with Traverse patients is they are temporary. They are only here while they integrate themselves back into society after a traumatic brain injury. I find there average stay to be about 3 years. This is a problem for me. Over the past 8 years I have met some great people that were here through Traverse. But just as you really get to know them and consider them a good friend,... they disappear! For some reason the patients in Traverse don't get a lot of warning when they are removed. I am assuming they go to a place with less care as they are better. But I don't know. Anyway the reason I mention this is I lost another one last week.

Joy. Not his real name. He is Indian and has a long Indian name no one could pronounce so we just called him Joy. An adult with deficits. But this man was so aptly named as he radiated joy. He always had a smile on his face and he never failed to give you a big hello when he saw you. He never seemed to be down or in a bad mood. We all loved him around here. But last week he just disappeared. Gone. And noone seems to know where. Another Traverse friend gone,... I will miss his enthusiasm for life. He really was a joy to have around.

This is not the first person I have liked and then had disappear overnight. So now I find myself not wanting to get to know the new people from Traverse anymore. I know I will get attached to them only to have them leave. That is a theme I have had to deal with my whole entire life. People leaving. So I just can't do it anymore. Now,... not through a conscious decision or anything,... I have just found myself holding back on getting close to anyone. I have befriended a young girl right now though. Trinity. She was in a bad car accident and has had to relearn everything. She has worked so hard and come so far. I couldn't help but find myself warming up to her. But how long will she be here? How long before I go down to the gazebo one day and I am told she is gone. They transferred her out. I get so sad when things like this happen. So I am finding myself not getting close to anyone anymore. Self preservation I guess,...

Of course theres another side to that too. I got close to Darren and Tonya and they just out and out hurt me. So now I don't want to make friends here because of that. I don't want to make it sound like every single person here is an asshole. Because in actuallity they are not. It is like most things in life. Only a small percentage of people ruin it for everyone else. We have 54 apartment units in this building and I would say 40 of them have lovely descent people who are just down on their luck living in them. But then on top of them we have the Stephens,.. and the Garys,... and the Zevas,... and the Darrens and Tonyas. THEY make life hard for the rest of us. And I find the good people stay in their units and keep to themselves. It's the horrible ones that give me trouble that seem to be smokers and therefore they go out to the gazebo all the time. So I have to sit with them. You can't escape them. So as I have mentioned before in this blog,... I have now decided just to isolate. Since the big blow up with Darren last spring,...I just hide away inside my unit where noone can see me or bother me or tell lies about me or gossip. Actually Tonya always finds a way regardless but it's still better hiding than being "OUT THERE" as a target. Not a nice way to live at all. HIDING AWAY. And not being able to go out much I find this hiding just causes me to have severe cabin fever which manifests into a lot of anxiety for me. I am a girl who needs the outside. But living here I rarely get to go out and enjoy it. I find it suffocating. But theres nothing I can do but endure it. There is no place to move I can afford. 

I happened to open Instagram this morning which was a mistake. There were 10 photos on Hayleys account of her and her sister and my grandchild at the Toronto Zoo. My heart sank when I saw it. My granddaughter is beautiful. And growing so quickly. I am missing it all. I quickly looked at them and then closed the page. I just can't let things like this eat away at me anymore. It's so unhealthy to my mental health. I should just block her so i don't see these posts but I can't. Part of me wants to see her,... but the other half dies inside every time I do. Sad. So very sad,...