The past week has been the worst week of my life.
I have felt myself spiralling. My thoughts getting more fragmented and harder to pin down. It has been harder to write. I have never had a problem writing in my entire life. The second my pen hit paper my mind raced. It was too full. It is why I feel the need to write every single day. Like some people go the gym for release ~ I write. It has been my one and only saviour in this world. It has allowed me to understand my thoughts. It has been my therapist.
But now I am at the end. I had a difficult week that completely shifted my foundation. For years I have suspected that I was not a good person. I always felt different. I always felt like I was never completely accepted into the "circles" of my friends and family. I felt like an obligatory invite a lot of the time. I really did have the sense people were annoyed with me but put up with me to be polite. I just have to admit and accept that I am not a likeable person.
This has been soul destroying as it has made a mockery of what I thought my life was. I thought I was one thing ~ but it turns out I was nothing. People didn't want to be around me. I felt it. I felt it a lot. But I tried anyway,... My own birth parents didn't even want me. And from there over my 61 years,.. people have been leaving me in every aspect of my life. My ex husband left me. He took my kids with him and noone lifted a finger to say it was wrong. That hurt. I literally lost a piece of my soul when those girls were taken from me. And it is very hard to even want to continue on after you have lost FOUR children.
But I did,... I did TRY my best to make a life for myself after that.
But people just kept leaving me.
I fooled myself for a long time but after asking for Hayleys help and getting her home truths I was devastated beyond repair, Her words hit me hard. And they hurt.
I hurt people. I am toxic, Now I get it,... Now I see it,... I really can see it now. hayley said I was just feeling sorry for myself saying I am a bad person. But thats not it at all. I really, really do SEE it now.
And ever since my whole life shifted. I have now realized that my whole life has been a waste.
I failed at my life. Most people succeed. but I didn't. I am leaving this world as poor as a church mouse with nothing but two daughters who won't even be in my life because I am too toxic.
I spent the past 20 years drifting around town to town looking for a life but never finding one. Noone wanted me in it. Some did for awhile. But they all eventually saw the real me and we parted ways.
Now I am completely and sadly alone. And after Hayleys text i realize that this is exactly what I deserve.
So,... I think it's time. There really is no point anymore. My family really isnt' coming back and I have noone else.
I can't physically look after myself anymore to the point that life has just become a tedious chore. I just don't have it in me to drag groceries home on a walker anymore,... I am too exhausted and in pain.
So it is with heavy heart I tell you all this is my last entry as no longer have any business hanging around this palnet. Theres no reason. There is nothing left to do. Infact there are way too many hours in a day that I jsut can't fill. The boredom is causing me insanity.
It is time.
Thank you all for reading but the party is over,....
This blog will be printed out and deleted next week.
Peace
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