The silence has been deafening

I have not slept. It is nearly 7 in the morning. My mind has been spinning and I have not been able to get any sleep. So earlier in the night I just got up and I have been sat in my chair ever since.

Many people have been reading this blog. (I can see stats) so I know my situation is known. To who is reading it, I don't know,... but there are people who know I am really struggling.

Last night as I lay in bed,... saddness weighing heavily upon me,... I realized that only ONE person on this entire planet reached out to me. And it didn't surprize me it was my friend Becky. She cares,... a lot,... but she is not in a position to help me out financially or place to live. I know she would LOVE to help me but like a lot of people she just can't. But she is the one and ONLY person who even reached out. And as I lay in bed starring at the ceiling trying to wrap my head around what has happened, I couldn't help realizing that other people have read this (and I am speaking of the people who personally know me - not random readers from the internet) and choose to remain silent. I know they probobly can't help me,... but either could Becky and she still reached out. The fact that only one person in this world cared enough to contact me and say they are concerned ~ left me feeling sad,... empty,... unwanted,... invisable,...

I have been given a choice. homeless or dead. And i am choosing death. I have said so in many, many posts on here. But I think people just think I am venting or bluffing or looking for attention. I am not,... I have a deeply seeded need to end my life. The fear of being homeless is overwhelming. The last 5 years of my life have detereorated severly. To the present where I have lost my income and benefits. This will have me homeless by the new year. I am too old and too tired and too unhealthy to be living outside. And this leaves me devastated. I have been writing about how desperate I am to get out of this building and now - losing my ODSP has taken away any life I had. But only ONE person read all this and cared enough to reach out. Becky had no way of helping except to come over and be here for me. Which she did. And just that visit helped tremendously. I had felt completely on my own up until then. When I was litte I remember my Nana telling me the story of the little starfish.

I can't help but feel like the tiny little starfish that needs help. But no one saw me. No one came to throw me back into the ocean. Sadly,... I am one of the thousands of starfish that will get left behind forgotten,... and it breaks my heart to realize how unimportant I am in this world. Invisable,....

So now I sit here ~ absolutely heartbroken ~ knowing no one is coming. They would have been here by now,...

And the fear of becoming homeless is bigger than me. There is only one thing to do now. And that is to find the courage to to end my suffering. And I really need to do it today,... I can't bear this feeling of lonliness and pain any longer,...

Sad little starfish left behind,...