Another pajama day ~ ouch!

The past couple of days have been good. I got out to Walmart and the Dollar Store and Freshco,... I was outside in the gazego more than usual taking advantage of the last of the great weather. But when I woke up this morning I realized I was going to pay for all that fun. Infact I couldn't even get out of bed this morning because of pain. For some reason most of it is in my arms and hands. I have had to wait a few hours to even be able to physically type this. Today is definitely going to have to be a pajama day. *** sigh ***

But on the plus side,... I'm finally starting to feel my finger. The one that I broke in the accident. It has been numb and useless to me ever since I broke it. But here we are, 7 months later and I am just NOW starting to get feeling back into it. Both of my arms and hands are still numb with tingling as well. I have resolved myself to the fact that it's never going to get better and this is just how it's going to be from now on. My new normal. I still can't open small twist caps on bottles. I still don't have enough strength or dexterity. It's quite frustrating at times as you don't realize just how much you use your arms and hands until you can't feel them! I hold a lot of resentment because I never got healed properly from the accident. If I had had a doctor, I'm sure I wouldn't be suffering with these deficits. Very frustrating!! 

The gazebo still tends to be the problem in my life. I have no choice but to go out there to smoke. We are not allowed to smoke in our units or anywhere in the building. We ALL have to go out to the gazebo. That is two buildings of 54 units each all have to share one gazebo. So you can imagine the personalities that clash. When I go out to smoke it is for the intended purpose of a break. A bit of peace and quiet while I muffle the pain in my body. It's a time of escape. It's a time I am suppose to enjoy. But the playground games (this time I am not involved at all) become tedius. Right now it's a woman who has a new and old boyfriend coming into the gazebo. I hate having to hear other peoples business. If you have a problem? Take it out of the gazebo and leave us in peace. 

And that seems to be a problem around here. There is no place to go to get away from the drama. The community room,.. the gazebo,... every place has the "Karens" and I hate the "Karens" so I stay well clear. But now the gazebo is getting hard to be in. Oh what tangled webs we weave,.... It's like a friggin soap opera in there. It's one of the main reasons I HATE living in this building. But there is no escape. I am already on the bottom and there is no other place to go. You are broke. You are poor. And therefore you get what you get and you should just be grateful. I'm grateful,.... but I am also still very jaded and resentful I was thrown down here and forgotten about.

But,... I digress,... I am trying to stay optomistic but in my life,... and it's been proven over and over again,... I just don't get the breaks that other people get,... Once your down here in poverty, unless you are physically resued by a long lost family member or something ~ YOU WILL ALWAYS REMAIN LIVING IN POVERTY! The system seems to be designed to keep you down here. It's so depressing and leaves you with absolutely no hope for a future. It's really hard to remain optomistic in these conditions.

But for some reason,... as much as I want to just disappear. There is still a small flicker of light deep within me that is forcing me to continue on. I suppose as long as that light flickers, I will continue to fight. But I know in my heart things are never going to get better and I am always going to struggle for every basic need and I will always be living off of charities and benefits. It's a humiliating way to live.

Thanksgiving is coming. But I don't look forward to it. It will be just another day to me. Alone eating cereal or a hamburger. And THIS is the reason I want to end my life. What kind of life are you alone for every holiday??? A sad one,... that's what kind of life I have. A sad one,...