Ok,... I have had some time to sit and process. Just after I wrote my last post I received an email from the law clerk saying I will be receiving these non-earner benefits for two years. That means for another year and four months. I can live with this. The insurance payments are slightly more than what I was receiving from ODSP. So that is good. The drawback is losing ODSP (Ontario Disability) means I also lose my benefits. Prescription drugs and dental care. But at this point I am literally in survival mode and I will take this insurance money. It means changes but I can deal with changes. What I can't deal with is being homeless. Now the worry of that is no longer. With the insurance money paid out until January 2026 gives me peace of mind.

I am mentally ill. I have been diagnosed with depression and OCD and anxiety. But I know I have more. Infact I am pretty sure I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The issue I have that is a real concern in my life is I don't do well with conflict. If my life is calm and going well I thrive. But when conflict arises, I don't handle it well. I was told in therapy that when people like me get faced with crisis our minds go from A to C rather than A to B like normal people. our trama and mental illness causes us to process things differently and therfore react differently. And a lot of times our reaction is inappropriate to the situation. With me,... I find lack of commucication my biggest issue. I am good when I know the facts. But if I need answers and get ghosted I panic. My generation seems to be very different from the business world today. In my day, if you called a business they called you back right away. Even if they didn't have the answer at that time it was a courtesy call to let me know they received my call and are looking into it. In doing this, I don't have to sit here wondering. Did they get the message? Are they working on it? Silence and no communication at all is what sets me off. I am the type of person that doesn't beat around the bush. just tell me. Even if it's bad news, just tell me and get it over with. Wondering while I wait for answers literally fucks with my head. I don't d well with silence. I need people to let me know what is going on and where I stand. And with this lawyer,... I was just getting emails from the law clerk but no actual phone calls to me and no actual answers to my questions. That left me feeling invisable and made me feel like this case was just getting too overwhelming. When I worked at York Medical when someone called, I immediately answered them back and kept them abreast of all that was happening. It's the unknown that makes us panic. So why did this lawyer leave me hanging for 10 days wondering what was going on and in those 10 days the whole time I believed I was going to be homeless as i didn't realize I got the insurance payments for two years. I had no idea how long these payments lasted. i thought it was just a few months. THAT made me panic as having being homeless once before,... you are always scared of becoming homeless again. When you live the poverty and precarious lifestyle that I do,... becoming homeless is a real threat and I do have to worry about it. So them leaving me hanging with no answer for 10 days just sent me spiralling. This is what people don't see with mental illness. We torture ourselves with our own minds.

But now I have answers. Now I can sit down and take what I know and plan. I can live on this budget. I won't have benefits anymore or dental but I will be able to pay my rent now. And THAT is the best news ever. I can stop panicing and relax. I WILL NOT BE HOMELESS NOW. See how just one phone call could have prevented all this anxiety and panic. My mind is not my friend. And not being medicated makes it even more difficult to navigate life. I am different than everyone else. I react differently than everyone else. So I just need alittle more information with situations. To me,... information is power and being forewarned and forearmed. I NEED to know what is happening.

So as of this minute, I know I can get by. it is not going to be easy and I will be going without a lot. But I can pay my rent now. And I am so grateful for that.

This just seems to be my life. I feel like I was dragged through a hedge backwards trying to keep up all my life,... but never succeeding and always falling behind. I seem to go from one crisis to another. I can never find peace and just enjoy life. It is always about survival and struggle,....

I'm just so tired of it all now.